Evening
I woke up at 1:30am for a massive wee
im guessing its cus i have this cold that im peeing for Britain
anyway i tried to get back off to sleep but it just wasnt happening
so by 3am i got up and did some yoga downstairs
i had a hot chocolate and cereal
came to bed at 4 depressed in the knowledge that i would probably wake in 2 hours
luckily i did sleep til 6:50am
got up and got ready for school
i looked like death
i could have quite easily not have gone school
i got to school
i wasnt even allowed to take my coat off before the teacher
was cramming my new time table down my throat
i thought "let me get through the door!"
so she pointed stuff out to me and what i noticed is that im down to help
2 year yes sodding 2 year olds on a wednesday afternoon
god thats my nightmare that age group
didnt think id be working with them that young
so i had group work to do an i left the classroom early to prep for it
to find out after id prepped that the teacher had already planned something
thanks for the heads up there
so a fellow TA did that with me
went back to class
screwed meal time up and found out we cant even sit down whilst serving the children
we have to bend our backs over the tables and do it now >.>
hate that
i left ASAP at lunch and mum pulled up at the gates
good timing
we went to a pub like a 3 min drive from school
we'd never been before
we ordered sticky toffee pudding with custard to share and a brew each
it was nice but i burnt my mouth
i cried to mum telling her how tired i am and how much im struggling
a repeat of last night it would seem!
we drove back to school and i sat in the car until the whistle blew
i told her i felt sick
i walked to sign back in and id obviously been crying and a TA saw me and asked if
i was ok i just said i wasnt feeling well
i went to my building to wait for the head TA to collect me
and in that moment that seemed enough to top me over the edge
i had an anxiety attack and ran for the office to do it through there - out the way
unfortuntely a teacher found me and got me water and went to speak to the head TA
the head TA came and told me to come somewhere quieter with her
so we started talking i told her how hard it as that ive been given a 4th class to learn
in just 8 days and all the information that comes with it
its hard to adjust and take it
i told her i had health issues but didnt say what they were as i said nothing can be done anyway
she said its awful to see me suffering, she thought from my interview that i was the kinda person used to going class to class getting stuff done - and for the record I AM, I CAN DO THIS, i know i can and i told her that i just need more time but i get more stuff rammed down me
all the while im crying like a total pathetic moron
she said is it the right thing for me maybe i needed a part time position maybe i didnt understand what this job entailed. and to be frank with her no i didnt and i said i got fed up of applying to jobs so of course im gonna take the first one actually offered to me
she said she could understand
i asked her if she regrets taking me on and would rather i leave
but she said no she just hopes its the right thing for me
we started doing the music intervention - what we originally were meeting for
she got 2 mins and i started crying again
cus all i could think about was that it was something more to learn and how pathetic and weak i was
so she said we would leave it
she told me to wipe my face and compose myself and take myself off into the 2 year old centre
i sat in a room quietly and got my self together
then went through
i was warmly welcomed but i wasnt there long as i had to cover in the nursery for the 3 year olds as something had kicked off in main school and needed someone from nursery
so i spent the remainder of the day in there which wasnt too bad just a bit dull
then we had a meeting after school to do with dates again like always on a wednesday
found it hard to grasp and wrote nothing down
i dragged my corpse to my car
drove home crying
just so tired, i never ate my lunch
mum said i looked awful when i came in and was surprised that they kept me there looking and feeling like that
she feels for me and i told her my afternoon and how i had an anxiety attack
i keep telling her i want to give it longer and its just cus i have a cold im feeling so crap
so i ate a cookie she made and some cereal
and i went to bed til 7pm
woke up mum made me omlet and cheese
but like all food lately its given me stomach ache
then i came upstairs for my diary
now going for a shower then Oz then bed
done nothing for myself today cus im dead and unhappy and cant think
so no walk like i have been doing no japanese or anything
just been resting so i can get through tomorrow
because that seems to be a reoccurring saying at school "you got through another day"
dont want to go tomorrow
i hope i die peacefully in my sleep if im honest with you
cus ive had enough of my life at this point in time
why cant i cope like everyone else does
so unhappy its unreal
i hope i sleep tonight
and i want my voice back
here is Tara's christmas card
Evening
I went for a walk with mum last night~
I didnt fall asleep til gone 10:30pm
woke up in the night for a massive wee again
whats up with me i dont usually have to that kinda thing
then woke up at the traditional hour of 6am
so sick of waking up at 6am
why cant i sleep through?
like a anxiety thing or paranoid
So i got up for school and felt rotten and i hardly had a voice
i didnt want to go school
i got to school
and its a mad house it truly is
i started working in my usual class of class 7 and i had to sit doing english
with 4 children, i use the word english loosely as we were just writing
the letter H over and over and they still couldnt do it well
then we went into the creative room, breaktime and i was in creative room
again after that
lunch time i went to the actual staff room but didnt have my lunch with me
so i just sat quietly for half of lunch and someone gave me an Oreo
i went back to the classroom and grabbed my lunch
but i wasnt even hungry i felt too churned up for that
i still ate it tho even tho it was only fruit it still gave me stomach ache
afternoon i was suppose to be in class 8 but nursery requested unscheduled
group interventions that i had to quickly whip up
then she gave me 5 children instead of the usual 3
it went ok i guess
then i went to join class 8 for P.E. my first ever P.E. session
after that i went and did some display work
my first ever display work which was nice cus it got me out of class
after that and that i had tidied up the rooms for the 50th time that day
it was time for my first induction
my induction was with the dept head and head of TAs
both normal woman really
but i kid you not the information booklet theyve given me to READ actually READ
is huge stupidly huge
the only good thing is that its on green paper for my dyslexia
but they gave me so much information my anxiety was in over drive
they told me not to look so worried
but how can i not be
im so unhappy
it was the end of the day
i cried coming home
i dived home, brushed my teeth and dived straight back out
literally a 2min dash
i cried on the way to the dentist
mia was in the reception waiting for me i must have looked like death
she made me laugh but it felt like a forced laugh
mia, not that she had to, was my dental nurse cus she chose to be XD
so that was nice of her :)
she said we could maybe meet up on friday
i havent socialised in weeks
luckily my teeth were fine thank god
i came home and didnt want to talk about my day cus i knew id cry
so i sat with Oz on the sofa
then i got stuff ready for school so i wouldnt have to do anything school related anymore that day
then it was dinner
then i talked with my brother a bit and then i decided to go for a 45min walk with mum
talked everything off my chest i hardly have any voice so i sound awful
and i cried on the whole walk and cried when i got home
im just struggling to adjust to a very physically and mentally demanding thankless job
and not getting any enjoyment out of it
and instead of seeing any remote positives out of it i see the negatives
i have constant thoughts
if theyre not about school theyre about
what ive eaten
how fat i am
how tight clothes feel on my body
how i look in the mirror
the way my body feels
its endless
and so very tiring
mum says i might need some form of medication
came in did my diary
shower Oz and bed
and start again tomorrow
so tired and unhappy i want to give in and die
karens xmas card
Evening~
I managed to do some Japanese last night
wrote out Kira Kira Boshi and numbers 1 - 10 in Kanji
and my usual 10 different sentences + hiragana and katankana
I didnt fall asleep til gone 10pm
and I woke up at 6:15am
I got off for school alright
cant say I was willing to start my school day which I knew wasnt
finishing until 5pm
So I was with my usual class in the morning
there was an incident where the other TA got hit in the face from a child
and it shook her up a bit, she got upset and needed to compose herself
so i had 15 children to myself but i was fine
we had break time then i was just working in the class really
lunch time was a bit different
i sat and ate my lunch and then went to the staffroom finding a guy who was 29
and a supply TA who turned out went to the same secondary school as me!
small world!
so we talked about that but i was laughing and joking but he looked uncomfortable
so i left him really as i could tell i was having a bit of a hyper moment
one of the TAs i know in there practically rounded me up and left with me XD
after lunch i had my groups
1st group didnt go so well purely because of the mix of children i had so we are reviewing that as i believe one child would benefit from 1 to 1 rather than group work
but my other 2 groups went fine i enjoyed them
been told i need to start writing it all down tho which i dont have an issue with
just more stuff to do
then i came out of there and had to monitor a child for half hour in nursery which i didnt enjoy
then i ended up spending the rest of the day in nursery /:
i had to change 2 children
never had to change a child before
luckily it was just wee and i made them undress and dress themselves
at the end of the day we had a meeting involving govenors
ugh
so we had 2 mins on each table to tell them who we were and what we did
we went in groups but we were in a 4 instead of a 2 or 3 so basically
we didnt have as long to speak and in some cases the bell rang before i had chance to speak!
i wasnt upset by this
as when i did speak to them i said "im Jo its my 6th day here and im finding my feet still"
quite easy for me to role up and practically say "Its my first day" XD
gets you off the hook with anything
we could leave at 5pm and when our group finished it was 4:58pm
after a lot of standing around waiting and a long day and a sore throat
id had enough and went home
i ran to my car and went to brace traffic which was surprisingly good at that time of day
i got home and didnt do much before my dinner
mum made me a brew as usual and i sat and talked to her about work
had dinner and dad washed up for me not that i asked him to
and i think hes put the chore to my brother now.....
seeing as im working and hes not my parents think im putting a lot on myself
after dinner i did 25mins of yoga cus i was aching
then i went for a 45min walk with mum as its a pleasant evening
but i have next to no voice left
tomorrow another school day really
dont know how i will get through it but sure i will
i never uploaded the xmas cards i made so thought i would
this one is karens
this time last year we put the pets in the shed
Evening~
Managed to do some Japanese last night
I wanted to try writing the Kanji for numbers 1 - 10 for something new to learn
upon watching a youtube video on how to do the strokes correctly
i found the Japanese version of 'Twinkle twinkle little star'
the English song is something I hear a lot in my line of work
so hearing it in Japanese was a lil weird but I could understand it as its basic
but yeah I think Ive learned it anyway
its called Kira Kira Boshi
I was in bed for 9pm
I was shattered and didnt feel that well
When I woke up at 7:45am today my throat felt like sand paper and it sounded
just as rough
Felt rough too -______-
I sorted my piglets out this morning and had a shower
I went on my laptop for a lil while
I did 30 mins of yoga
i felt alright after my massage to be honest
but felt i needed a good stretch
went on Just Dance for a short time too as i had little energy
I had lunch then went for a 45 min walk
i used my new thermal gloves gave them a test drive before tomorrow
and i can confirm they do what they say on the tin they do keep you warm
so im pleased with that
I came home and had a brew
I sat cutting out guinea pigs out of felt as i saw someone had made little
felt guinea pigs and i thought about making a christmas guinea pig garland
i soon realised i needed a few pieces like ribbon and pompoms
so i ordered bits on line then i went to the shops and mum came with me
i got what i needed
we called in Pets at Home for guinea food but their suppliers hadnt been so
they had ran out!! luckily we have enough for the week or so
mum says she will call in again soon
came home and sat doing guinea pigs whilst watching Angerme on youtube
quiet afternoon in my room as i was tired and have no mates XD
i ate dinner which was really nice
but i had chronic stomach pains afterwards which are still dissipating
food gives me stomach ache a lot lately which is why i havent been taking much food to school
speaking of school thats tomorrow
and im hoping i will be ok
been thinking about school too much
feel like it takes over my mind
which is why i sat doing guinea pigs today to take my mind off it
ive got to stay at school til 5 sodding pm tomorrow -_____-
i will be suicidal by the end of the day im sure
i wont be going running club thats for sure
heres the drawing i did for my cousin for christmas
and here it is in the frame
think it will be alright for a gift
best get ready to start another week of feeling like a rabbit in headlights
Evening
I couldnt sleep
just couldnt sleep
I was up til 1am
woke up at 7:15am and laid there for 15 mins but gave in and got up
i was tired
cleaned my pets out
felt weird not doing a park run
i went on my laptop before massage which was booked for 10am
got to the massage place for 9:55am
turns out I didnt have an appointment
i did it online and it hadnt worked...
so she said "would you like 11am?"
i agreed and went home
i was peeved so very peed off as i felt like i was wasting my day
so i rang up to see if i could make it an end of the day appointment
and the woman on phone said they had no people in to give massages...?
what? id just booked in tho 10 mins ago?
so i told her to just leave it
i danced to get the irritation out i felt towards the human race
then i went AGAIN to the massage place
and luckily the woman was waiting for me
she was no messing just got straight to it, im too used to karen who likes
a chat before we begin XD
the woman was lovely but yeah she talked and talked
id stopped listening really
it wasnt painful i thought it would hurt but didnt really
i could feel my knots tho i have to say
she was good and even ran over by a few mins too
i think id go again anyway, maybe before christmas or something
i came home and showered
then i got ready to go to the city centre
I realised i had a bunny filter on my phone today XD
so i was playing with that before i went off out
i got to the city centre easily enough
i had the aim of potentially picking up any xmas presents and then my main reason for going in the first place was to pick up warm clothing for school
so heres what i picked up
thermal socks, thermal gloves, thermal snood all of which are for school
a hoodie which big and baggy and cheap and will be used for school to keep me warm i think
fleece lined leggings i have several pairs already but dont have any patterned ones
a lip stick, and bunny xmas ornament for the xmas tree this year as if i ever come across any bunny ornaments i pick them up no messing
finally dog socks for mia, hedgehog socks for mum, oil for mum and candle for mum
so i was glad that i was able to pick up a few presents also
to be honest my xmas shopping is close to being finished
it helps having no friends and family i have to say
ive only really got a few more bits and pieces to finish off i think
i will get there with it all im sure
i sat in a cafe and had a hot chocolate which was good and warmed me
not to mention kept me from the rain outside
by time i went back out it had stopped raining
i caught the bus home after my shopping
i had got what i needed and i kept feeling panicky for some reason
but ive been unbalanced last week or so
but worse since ive had this job
im all over the place i mean mentally not physically XD
i rang mum on the bus home to say i was coming home and i feel a bit panicky
i knew i was ok tho
i came back and saw her for 5 mins before she headed out with dad
so i did a bit of dancing but if im honest i was exhausted so i didnt do it for long
just worn out but massage adds to that
plus the week ive had plus not sleeping
food hasnt cut it for me today
not enjoying anything im putting in my mouth
so not eaten a great deal today
just dont wan food really
im 9stone i weighed myself this morning
so i have plenty of meat on me
i had another shower
i didnt want to but i felt dirty and i wanted my pajamas on
mum came home and i showed her what i had brought
then i put it all away then ive been on my laptop
ate my dinner which was good but just didnt satisfy me
ive found dances i want to learn
got so many to do but its having time and energy you know
i feel fed up a lot and dont want to go back on monday
dreading monday
cant stop thinking about school
but what good is it doing? its not helping or changing anything so why am i worrying over it?
im fed up of it all if im honest and feel crap about myself and about life
at least ive managed to get all the warm stuff i need for school anyway
hopefully it will help
i plan on wearing the hoodie all the time at school almost like an apron so it protects my clothes from children and keeps me warm
i will be always wearing my snood and socks too
tomorrow i have no clue what i will be doing yet
cant see any friends cus honestly the ones i have are just too busy
so im just adjusting to living in my own world really
adam hasnt texted me since sunday and i havent replied to him
yeah
see how i am mentally tomorrow
and see how crippled i am from my massage
she said i may hurt
oh my instagram thing if anyone wants it
lunatique_designs
Evening
A congratulations is in order
Ive done my first week!
I survived!
Last night I was in bed for 9pm
I had had enough I was mentally drained
honestly just drained and couldnt be arsed to stay up
i was that tired i didnt bother watching the last episode of Task Master
and I love that show
I woke up at 6am as I have been all week
stupid body clock making me even more tired by sticking on more time to my day!
i got up for school and felt sick but knew it was anxiety
i still shoved a brew and cereal down me tho
dont think i sat with Oz tho just too tired to and he was happy to go outside
school was alright
sam told me to tell the head of TAs of my dyslexia
i didnt want to be a bother to anyone but she seemed to feel it was necessary
so i told her and also told her ive got to leave early on 21st for a psychology appointment
I was in the cold cold nursery all morning
which was just what i call 'crowd control' just making sure theyre happy and safe
easy enough
but had to stand outside for 45mins
safe to say i was rather cold
and when it became lunch time i stood running my hands under the hot tap (steam was coming out) for a few mins until i had feeling in my hands and they had turned red
but i could feel them
lunch was cold and half way through i went to main school staff room
found a few faces i knew
so warm in there ^^ i know where to go in future
after lunch i was with the foundation class i least prefer - class 8
but sam pulled me away for groups which im still getting my head round
i came with her to main school to see where some equipment is stored and the computer guy talked to me about doing 7 days residential trip in december with year 5 and 6 to which theyre doing classroom activities and walking i told him id think about it.
then the dept head came to talk to me and shes starting my induction process on tuesday seeing to any support i may need and sorting out school bits
then sam said she'd sort something through with me on the end of the day
head was spinning
ive had a headache from the sheer amount of information
i came back to class to help clean up which prevented me sadly from standing out on the playground getting cold again.
then it was pretty much home time
sam came with me the end of the day to talk about groups i will have to do solo on monday afternoon which i dont feel too bad about and ive brought my stuff to have a flick through over the weekend what a joy
i came away at 4pm not wanting any more information or conversations
traffic was a bit bad coming home but i was glad to get home to
a brew and cake cus my god i needed it
even though id felt sick from breakfast and lunch i thought id eat
i went just dance for 25mins
i was so stiff tho i have to say
so maybe that massage tomorrow will do me some good
i managed my dinner
mum hasnt been overloading me on food luckily
then i washed up cus im determined to keep that up
despite mum offering to wash up telling me ive been at work all day
but i gotta do these things
i can do them
i will be relieved to go bed tonight
i had cake after dinner too
im fat and ugly thats for sure
ordered 2 pieces of make up i wanted to try seeing at the £90 i earned all of last term came in from the agency
tomorrow
not doing park run
im gonna have a 30 min sport massage at 10am
hope i can walk afterwards
from there unsure what i will do really
but id like to make the most of my weekend if i can
here is part of mia's christmas present
i drew her this which randomly popped into my head
then i brought a frame for it
always pressure giving someone art work when they are great at art themselves
but i hope she will like it
i hope i can tune off from work this weekend
Konbanwa~~~
I woke up at 1:15am for a wee that must have gone for a minute
my god no wonder my bladder woke me XD
then dad woke me up at 6:50am
i was quite tired actually but i think its from running last night
i had time to have a brew with Oz in the morning
I felt a bit apprehensive about school today
i knew id be fine but i think i was just mentally drained
i realised on the way to work as i thought on about school
that i actually had tears running down my face
I was upset on my way to school
but wasnt even sure what it was i was upset about
i got to school and sat in my car and wondered whether or not to ring mum
i did
wasnt sure what i was even gonna say or what the problem was but
felt like i would feel better if i talked to her
she told me how well im doing and how proud she is
being a usual amazing mum to me
i did stop crying and composed myself and headed into school
i worked with the teacher that does the end of the week as the staff for both foundation classes seem to job share and i met them yesterday but today was my first day of working with them
so this morning she kindly talked to me about school
and i just started crying!
i felt like such an idiot but i couldnt even explain to her what was up
i just said its so much to take in and i want to do well
she sat me down and talked to me reassuring me it will come with time, theres no expectations, theyre grateful to have me, were a big team, i wouldnt have the job if they didnt have faith and confidence in me.
i felt better and she let me go wipe up my face in the toilet as the children came in
i was in foundation in the morning with the class i do seem to gel with
then did the weird lunch thing which i still dont enjoy
i went to lunch by myself again cus id had enough of serving meals
i sat quietly, i talked a bit to those who joined us but on the whole i think i zoned out
in the afternoon i was with the other class but first the lovely and amazing sam grabbed me and said we would start the intervention groups so i could finally learn from her
so she went through toys and crap with me and we talked toys and i asked her if she was a 90's child she says shes '96!! making her younger than me and my brother
shocking!
she has such an aura of maturity i was convinced she was 26 or 27
so i got to see what happens in the groups and i enjoyed that
then i was with the class at the end session
id had enough
and i said i was sorry for coming in the way i did
but they were fine with it and said we're all human and have our own personal pulls and stresses
theyre so lovely there, if they werent i think i would have jacked it in by now
but because of the staff are amazing i believe they will help me muddle through
i came in and mum had made Nutella cake!?
never had that before and its actually pretty good i liked it
so i offered Oz some and he actually turned cake down
so i got him a treat and i ate some cereal and cake
needed to boost my sugar for yoga XD
yoga was good
hard work but good
i struggled to tune off from work tho
came in and had soup for dinner with mum
i felt a bit panicky afterwards and lost a few tears
but i think its because im tired really
i hope i sleep tonight
just got one more day to go
hope it doesnt break me
i think its just a massive overload and will get easier with time
i just have a lot going on with my physical and mental health
which makes dealing with a new job all the more harder
but last day chin up
i got these in the post
cat ear clips
cat ear clips are rare believe it or not as theyre usually on a headband
so i was happy with this find off ebay
