Evening~
I woke up at 8:15am
felt a little better for more sleep than usual
but Ive been so low on energy today
I spent the first part of the morning finishing off
my guinea pig garland~~
My 12 piglets are finished!
theyre gonna look great up this year
i like to add something new to the decorations each year
and it has built up
2018's addition is the garland ^^
Then me and mum were able to pop out together
as my dad actually went out by himself D:
the shock!
but then again its not that shocking as what he went to do was work related
me and mum went to a local garden centre
one we dont frequent as its so damn expensive
I actually bumped into a teacher from school would you believe
small world
anyway
every bauble or christmas tree hanging was £5+
unbelievable
just for 1 decoration
nice to look round stuff
and i saw they sold cacti so ive ordered mia online for christmas a Bulbasaur plant pot then you place a cactus in its back to look like the bulb on the back
and Bulbasaur is her favourite honestly she loves that guy so im sure she will be pleased with her present ^^
I managed to pick up my dad some christmas season marmalade so ive actually got him something this year as hes so difficult to buy for its unreal
we left there and came home for lunch
the sun was out but it was still cold i have to say
i went for a 50min walk by myself
mia said she was too hungover
i do everything by myself these days
not socialised in over a month can you believe
the walk was hard work in every aspect
i came back tried to dance but i had no energy
so i came on my laptop for a short while
decided id watch an anime I randomly came across
Kekkai Sensen I believe it was called
gonna watch another episode as it wasnt bad actually
studioBones always throws out good animes~
I then did some drawing for a bit
sat with Oz and read
just tried to chill out
did a bit of reading about the school
not very far in the sheer mass of pages they printed out for me to read
but its a start and i wasnt prepared to give it anymore of my weekend
my short weekend -___-
tomorrow is school
im already wondering what the day will bring and if i can get through it
i hope i can
such a challenging job
its cold tonight and its gonna be a cold week with strong winds low temperatures and rain
joy
if its indoor play it makes life harder but standing out on the playground in the cold aint fun ether
i shall try not to dwell on it anyway and just wrap up
not going running club tomorrow think i will go wednesday
still snotty and not putting myself through it
Evening~
I didn't sleep well
I was up in the night blowing my nose
a lot -_____-
so this morning I was quite tired and could not be arsed to go park run
but knew Id get little other opportunity to do exercise today
so I got on with it and said I was just gonna jog instead of really trying
I got there and it was a lil muddy
I briefly saw mum's friends and told them that she hopes to join them
on wednesday for a walk at running club
then I set off I just took my time and didnt competitive with it
but the last stretch the part I like to RUN i started off and took over
a woman with her dog as dogs are a real pain to get past but today
there wasnt many dogs at all to my relief
anyway so when I over took her she shouted to a runner ahead
"go Nick go!!!!" like yelled it as I passed her
I worked out that Nick was this bloke with a blue top on that said Nick on the neck
so I went to pass him, not to be spiteful but just because I was running
upon passing him he suddenly sprang to life and challenged me
he started like really running so i couldnt help myself i pegged it
and beat him
yeah i was happy with that XD
i did it in 29:03 which proves I can go slower and take my time
i got home and brewed up and then bleached my eye brows, massaged my face and neck to make it look smaller as im fat and horrible and went for a shower
then quickly got ready me and mum were like headless chickens getting ready and ramming lunch down our throats all to get out the house for 12pm as we had my brother's graduation to attend
heres me i had 2 mins with the camera
as you can see fat faced, fat wrists and fat fingers
all fat and a diet is what i need
hate myself and trying not to rant to mum about it too much
she said i looked too thin at 8 stone but thats where i want to be
hate myself and my body
we got into the city centre which is stressful when we're with dad
hes incredibly hard work he truly is
like an old man already
i spotted my brother and went over to him
i took his photo with mum and dad then mum took one of me and my brother ^^
never get photos together
i look bloody awful on it tho
we hovered around inside as i was getting cold stood outside
but so many people were there
we were allowed to be seated at 1:15pm and had to be seated for 1:45pm
so many people tho to get by
my brother had been picked from the whole graduates that year to be shortlisted with 2 other people for an award.
We sat and waited for his turn to go on stage and whilst he walked up in his smart gown it was announced he''d been short listed and i took photos of him entering the stage
bless him, my heart pounded i felt so happy and proud of him as hes not had it easy
and he got the highest possible grade too
after all the certificates were handed out the awards were announced
and it turns out my brother got it
he actually got it
so he got the award of "graduate of the year 2018"
amazing
we were stunned mum was thrilled
i recorded him collecting his award
its a frame with a certificate inside mum will probably hang up some where XD
he was also given £100
after 2 hours we were allowed out thank god
and we found my brother outside
i saw my old TA tutor as well so i talked to her ^^
went to my brother then
he said he'd got to talk to press and other people because of his grade and award
so we left him
we went to the bead shop and brought some sequins that had been binned this week
then caught the bus
i was frozen i have to say
my brother phoned to say he caught the bus too so when we got to the car we waited for him
he was tired and had achy shoulders from wearing the big gown for hours
it is heavy 0.0
we came home it was 5pm
so another day i get no time to myself!
i came in and had a brew to warm through
then a hot shower i was just so cold
then i came into my room and started sewing my guinea pigs to try and relax and feel like ive actually done something for myself
its now 9pm and ive finished the sewing now just got the final pieces to do
its too late to do any drawing or japanese
but i hope to do some tomorrow
im glad i went to my brother ceremony tho
it was good to witness
hes now gone over to his tutor's house for a party would you believe
i hope he has a good night as he deserves it
tomorrow me and mum are popping to a garden centre to look at bits together
then maybe going pets at home
ive got the guinea to do and drawing
mia was on about seeing me but cant see it happening
dont get any time to myself ><
Konbanwa~~
ahhhhh I have not stopped
how is it possible to do so much in one day?!
I didn't sleep too bad I was in bed for 9pm tho
and got up for a wee
I got up at 6:55am as i was under the impression dad had drifted off
to sleep again which he indeed had done
I got ready for children in need day
so i had streaks in my hair, spots, and bear ears
school i was in nursery til lunch which was crows control
and we gave the children 2 cakes each
so they were high on sugar
i robbed a cake too
then it was lunch and the dinner lady came through and said
the children werent a fan of the flapjack today so she brought a WHOLE tray through
so i robbed two
so ive had a big bowl of cereal this morning
3x biscuits
2 flap jacks
1 cake
im fat
seriously fat and ugly
want to starve myself but know i need energy to get me through life
anyway after lunch i was in the other foundation class
all went fine really
i had been to fetch stuff during lunch to do my group work at 2pm
so a TA could show me but because we were short staff i was unable to
do my group work
so 2 days in a row i havent done group work and ive explained that to the teachers
they say it cant be helped
so i stayed in class and we gave the kids yet more cake
jesus it was crazy
but they had brought in so much cake for pudsey day
i cleared up and stuff then dismissed the kids
at the end of the day the teacher talked to me and said how good it was to have me on board and how i get on with stuff and it helps big style
she asked if i was on any medication for my anxiety and i told her i wasnt but seeing the psychologist on wednesday next week
so we talked a bit about that
then i put the stuff back i didnt really need in the end
and went home through bad traffic
i just do so much at school i dont sit or anything
but i feel its getting easier as ive learned about 80% of the kids names
and im connecting with a lot and working harder with others the ones with needs
to which there are plenty of
but i think i am getting there
i havent felt stressed or over whelmed past 2 days anyway
i came back and mum did me a brew
i was very annoyed as some sequins id ordered on sunday arrived yesterday and i left them still in the postal packet and i wanted them for the guinea pig garland i plan to finish this weekend
well when i came to the packet today it had gone
dad had put it in the wheelie bin which was emptied this morning
he lives for bins like an old man
my brother had a good look for it on the table but i knew it was in that bin
i was so annoyed
really peeved me off
so when dad did come home i got told off by him
no "sorry" or "ill get you some more"
it was "dont like the attitude sod off"
yep he told me to sod off
at least i know where i stand
he talks to customers nicer than me
and if he does talk to me 'nicely' its about work
a subject i find boring so i keep to one word answers as he likes to argue and say everything differently to me anyway
i dont like him
my robotic dad that resembles a cog
hes the same on all sides, just keeps doing the same thing over and over, souless and plain
anyway wasted enough time talking about him
i did some yoga and mum bless her gave my very hurting shoulders and neck and massage
then i went for a 20 minute run as being talked to like that from dad boy did i need it
i really enjoyed it even if it was drizzling
i didnt see mia tonight as she takes forever to respond despite not working fridays
she said she will see me sunday but thats not likely to happen is it
i came in and had dinner
after dinner i sorted stuff out
i had ago dying my mum's eyelashes which went ok
then i changed my bed
saw my pigs
and done my ipod as i needed a fresh playlist to run to
then diary then its Oz then bed
ive been at school for 10 days now and it does feel a bit easier i have to say
and i pray i dont spend my weekend worrying over school
over stuff i cant help
tomorrow id like to do park run
but see what weather is doing
i need to get my stuff ready for that also
one thing after another
i have no time lately!
tomorrow is also my brother's graduation!
he graduated from Uni this year with a First degree in Photography
were all very proud and hes even won an award for his work!
i have never been to a graduation tomorrow so im looking forward to it
its happening in the royal concert hall too~
so i need to look human for that XD
we are near a bead shop tomorrow so mum says we will call in to see if they have my sequins
still getting through my xmas cards photos
this is my cousin's
Evening~
look who 'got through' another day
i slept better as i was in bed for 9pm but i didnt fall asleep right away
and i woke up at 11pm coughing
but soon fell asleep and woke up at 6:50am to the sound of dad getting up
my body must be hyper aware of listening out to my dad getting up
not wanting to miss my wake up call
so i got ready for school, didnt want to go but i said to myself
i wasnt gonna cry anymore
not this week anyway!
School was hectic as im still getting used to me pee-taking time table
im back to back with no breaks
so i had class then at 9am group work which i watched TA do
then class then at 11am i was suppose to go group work but id forgotten
as a 1000 other stuff happens in that stuff
all the staff say how crazy it is and how tired they are
it was lunch time and i went as soon as it was my lunch time
god only knows why we have to serve them food as every single day so far
ive seen the dinner staff stand around chatting! literally!
it really does make me question why it is we have to do it when clearly they have time
and only work for an hour
after lunch i was with the other class then break but during break I group work
which i watched the TA do again
im making the most of it as ive been told next week that im solo
i was suppose to have a further 2 other groups - solo this afternoon
but due to us being a TA down i was forced to take over a class
so i had half the class to myself in the craft room which went fine actually
and then i had the class to myself for 5 mins as we waited for a teacher to come back
i managed fine
I was told to get down and play with children twice today by two members of staff
this annoyed me - internally - as first time i was shadowing a autistic child who rushes everywhere so the idea of getting up and down all the time is not gonna happen as im not wearing myself at 9:30 in the morning like that, secondly was they all had break time i didnt get break time i had group time so i was just having a moment ON A CHAIR observing the whole class
i deserve that much it wasnt like i was on it for even 5 mins
some people
sod off
i went to log out for 4pm as theyre not getting any more out of me
before i left i saw the head TA and she asked if i had a better i day i replied yes, couldnt be arsed to talk to her cus all i see in her eyes is regret, regret she chose me and i get the feeling she doesnt like me much or doesnt know what to make of me yet
i said "yesterday was just like crisis day"
she said "some times we have to reach rock bottom to get back up again"
i said "oh thats a regular occurrence in my life"
she looked horrified at me
i said "but its usually behind closed doors and not at school"
she did not impressed
but cant say im arsed
she doesnt know me or know what i have going off
and i signed out and went home
had a brew and cereal as i have been doing lately
then got ready for school for tomorrow
then got ready for yoga
yoga was good, hard work but good karen worked us
then home for dinner, shower, Oz bed
pattern to my life lately
tomorrow last day of school for the week thank bloody god
its also children in need day
so gotta wear spots for school
i only have one item of clothing with spots on would you believe
and thats blue leggings with white spots on
so gonna wear them and a jumper
then im doing yellow eye shadow, bear ear hair clips, and streaks in my hair
done
after school may see mia
my god i may socialise! D: forgotten how to do it
two days of no japanese
but at least i exercised today
here is Ed's christmas card
Evening
I woke up at 1:30am for a massive wee
im guessing its cus i have this cold that im peeing for Britain
anyway i tried to get back off to sleep but it just wasnt happening
so by 3am i got up and did some yoga downstairs
i had a hot chocolate and cereal
came to bed at 4 depressed in the knowledge that i would probably wake in 2 hours
luckily i did sleep til 6:50am
got up and got ready for school
i looked like death
i could have quite easily not have gone school
i got to school
i wasnt even allowed to take my coat off before the teacher
was cramming my new time table down my throat
i thought "let me get through the door!"
so she pointed stuff out to me and what i noticed is that im down to help
2 year yes sodding 2 year olds on a wednesday afternoon
god thats my nightmare that age group
didnt think id be working with them that young
so i had group work to do an i left the classroom early to prep for it
to find out after id prepped that the teacher had already planned something
thanks for the heads up there
so a fellow TA did that with me
went back to class
screwed meal time up and found out we cant even sit down whilst serving the children
we have to bend our backs over the tables and do it now >.>
hate that
i left ASAP at lunch and mum pulled up at the gates
good timing
we went to a pub like a 3 min drive from school
we'd never been before
we ordered sticky toffee pudding with custard to share and a brew each
it was nice but i burnt my mouth
i cried to mum telling her how tired i am and how much im struggling
a repeat of last night it would seem!
we drove back to school and i sat in the car until the whistle blew
i told her i felt sick
i walked to sign back in and id obviously been crying and a TA saw me and asked if
i was ok i just said i wasnt feeling well
i went to my building to wait for the head TA to collect me
and in that moment that seemed enough to top me over the edge
i had an anxiety attack and ran for the office to do it through there - out the way
unfortuntely a teacher found me and got me water and went to speak to the head TA
the head TA came and told me to come somewhere quieter with her
so we started talking i told her how hard it as that ive been given a 4th class to learn
in just 8 days and all the information that comes with it
its hard to adjust and take it
i told her i had health issues but didnt say what they were as i said nothing can be done anyway
she said its awful to see me suffering, she thought from my interview that i was the kinda person used to going class to class getting stuff done - and for the record I AM, I CAN DO THIS, i know i can and i told her that i just need more time but i get more stuff rammed down me
all the while im crying like a total pathetic moron
she said is it the right thing for me maybe i needed a part time position maybe i didnt understand what this job entailed. and to be frank with her no i didnt and i said i got fed up of applying to jobs so of course im gonna take the first one actually offered to me
she said she could understand
i asked her if she regrets taking me on and would rather i leave
but she said no she just hopes its the right thing for me
we started doing the music intervention - what we originally were meeting for
she got 2 mins and i started crying again
cus all i could think about was that it was something more to learn and how pathetic and weak i was
so she said we would leave it
she told me to wipe my face and compose myself and take myself off into the 2 year old centre
i sat in a room quietly and got my self together
then went through
i was warmly welcomed but i wasnt there long as i had to cover in the nursery for the 3 year olds as something had kicked off in main school and needed someone from nursery
so i spent the remainder of the day in there which wasnt too bad just a bit dull
then we had a meeting after school to do with dates again like always on a wednesday
found it hard to grasp and wrote nothing down
i dragged my corpse to my car
drove home crying
just so tired, i never ate my lunch
mum said i looked awful when i came in and was surprised that they kept me there looking and feeling like that
she feels for me and i told her my afternoon and how i had an anxiety attack
i keep telling her i want to give it longer and its just cus i have a cold im feeling so crap
so i ate a cookie she made and some cereal
and i went to bed til 7pm
woke up mum made me omlet and cheese
but like all food lately its given me stomach ache
then i came upstairs for my diary
now going for a shower then Oz then bed
done nothing for myself today cus im dead and unhappy and cant think
so no walk like i have been doing no japanese or anything
just been resting so i can get through tomorrow
because that seems to be a reoccurring saying at school "you got through another day"
dont want to go tomorrow
i hope i die peacefully in my sleep if im honest with you
cus ive had enough of my life at this point in time
why cant i cope like everyone else does
so unhappy its unreal
i hope i sleep tonight
and i want my voice back
here is Tara's christmas card
Evening
I went for a walk with mum last night~
I didnt fall asleep til gone 10:30pm
woke up in the night for a massive wee again
whats up with me i dont usually have to that kinda thing
then woke up at the traditional hour of 6am
so sick of waking up at 6am
why cant i sleep through?
like a anxiety thing or paranoid
So i got up for school and felt rotten and i hardly had a voice
i didnt want to go school
i got to school
and its a mad house it truly is
i started working in my usual class of class 7 and i had to sit doing english
with 4 children, i use the word english loosely as we were just writing
the letter H over and over and they still couldnt do it well
then we went into the creative room, breaktime and i was in creative room
again after that
lunch time i went to the actual staff room but didnt have my lunch with me
so i just sat quietly for half of lunch and someone gave me an Oreo
i went back to the classroom and grabbed my lunch
but i wasnt even hungry i felt too churned up for that
i still ate it tho even tho it was only fruit it still gave me stomach ache
afternoon i was suppose to be in class 8 but nursery requested unscheduled
group interventions that i had to quickly whip up
then she gave me 5 children instead of the usual 3
it went ok i guess
then i went to join class 8 for P.E. my first ever P.E. session
after that i went and did some display work
my first ever display work which was nice cus it got me out of class
after that and that i had tidied up the rooms for the 50th time that day
it was time for my first induction
my induction was with the dept head and head of TAs
both normal woman really
but i kid you not the information booklet theyve given me to READ actually READ
is huge stupidly huge
the only good thing is that its on green paper for my dyslexia
but they gave me so much information my anxiety was in over drive
they told me not to look so worried
but how can i not be
im so unhappy
it was the end of the day
i cried coming home
i dived home, brushed my teeth and dived straight back out
literally a 2min dash
i cried on the way to the dentist
mia was in the reception waiting for me i must have looked like death
she made me laugh but it felt like a forced laugh
mia, not that she had to, was my dental nurse cus she chose to be XD
so that was nice of her :)
she said we could maybe meet up on friday
i havent socialised in weeks
luckily my teeth were fine thank god
i came home and didnt want to talk about my day cus i knew id cry
so i sat with Oz on the sofa
then i got stuff ready for school so i wouldnt have to do anything school related anymore that day
then it was dinner
then i talked with my brother a bit and then i decided to go for a 45min walk with mum
talked everything off my chest i hardly have any voice so i sound awful
and i cried on the whole walk and cried when i got home
im just struggling to adjust to a very physically and mentally demanding thankless job
and not getting any enjoyment out of it
and instead of seeing any remote positives out of it i see the negatives
i have constant thoughts
if theyre not about school theyre about
what ive eaten
how fat i am
how tight clothes feel on my body
how i look in the mirror
the way my body feels
its endless
and so very tiring
mum says i might need some form of medication
came in did my diary
shower Oz and bed
and start again tomorrow
so tired and unhappy i want to give in and die
karens xmas card
Evening~
I managed to do some Japanese last night
wrote out Kira Kira Boshi and numbers 1 - 10 in Kanji
and my usual 10 different sentences + hiragana and katankana
I didnt fall asleep til gone 10pm
and I woke up at 6:15am
I got off for school alright
cant say I was willing to start my school day which I knew wasnt
finishing until 5pm
So I was with my usual class in the morning
there was an incident where the other TA got hit in the face from a child
and it shook her up a bit, she got upset and needed to compose herself
so i had 15 children to myself but i was fine
we had break time then i was just working in the class really
lunch time was a bit different
i sat and ate my lunch and then went to the staffroom finding a guy who was 29
and a supply TA who turned out went to the same secondary school as me!
small world!
so we talked about that but i was laughing and joking but he looked uncomfortable
so i left him really as i could tell i was having a bit of a hyper moment
one of the TAs i know in there practically rounded me up and left with me XD
after lunch i had my groups
1st group didnt go so well purely because of the mix of children i had so we are reviewing that as i believe one child would benefit from 1 to 1 rather than group work
but my other 2 groups went fine i enjoyed them
been told i need to start writing it all down tho which i dont have an issue with
just more stuff to do
then i came out of there and had to monitor a child for half hour in nursery which i didnt enjoy
then i ended up spending the rest of the day in nursery /:
i had to change 2 children
never had to change a child before
luckily it was just wee and i made them undress and dress themselves
at the end of the day we had a meeting involving govenors
ugh
so we had 2 mins on each table to tell them who we were and what we did
we went in groups but we were in a 4 instead of a 2 or 3 so basically
we didnt have as long to speak and in some cases the bell rang before i had chance to speak!
i wasnt upset by this
as when i did speak to them i said "im Jo its my 6th day here and im finding my feet still"
quite easy for me to role up and practically say "Its my first day" XD
gets you off the hook with anything
we could leave at 5pm and when our group finished it was 4:58pm
after a lot of standing around waiting and a long day and a sore throat
id had enough and went home
i ran to my car and went to brace traffic which was surprisingly good at that time of day
i got home and didnt do much before my dinner
mum made me a brew as usual and i sat and talked to her about work
had dinner and dad washed up for me not that i asked him to
and i think hes put the chore to my brother now.....
seeing as im working and hes not my parents think im putting a lot on myself
after dinner i did 25mins of yoga cus i was aching
then i went for a 45min walk with mum as its a pleasant evening
but i have next to no voice left
tomorrow another school day really
dont know how i will get through it but sure i will
i never uploaded the xmas cards i made so thought i would
this one is karens
this time last year we put the pets in the shed
