Evening~~
I went for a half hour run last night which I enjoyed more
than the run at running club on Wednesday
I came in showered and sat with Oz
I also took a sleeping tablet and was in bed for 9:30pm
which is the latest I've stayed up all week!
I woke up at 6:20am
wow go me im still waking up at 6am!
But at least I had slept through I suppose
just spending the rest of the day with a really gross taste in my mouth from sleeping tablets, doesnt tend to wear off til like 5pm
So in the morning I went to Mia's at 9:30am
she was keen to show me her christmas tree which was nice
and when I turned up Rob was putting up the decorations outside
It was good to see her, we had an hour together anyway
even tho I was only over and hour my clothes still manage to smell like her house XD
even at her parent's house she had a strong house smell not a bad one just strong
and its followed her to her new home XD strange isnt it house smells
i came back home and went on Just Dance 3 for a bit
it was then lunch time and I did myself a salad
then I went out to a town
I parked up and walked the long way taking me through a park
then to the shops
mum had said she was gonna buy herself an advent calendar just to annoy dad
but i noticed when they came in from food shopping she hadn't followed through with it
so i went to the shops and found a Kinder Chocolate one reduced to £3!!!
i LOVE kinder chocolate so I brought it and decided mum could have my Cadbury's one
so here is my new one! I dont think mum has ever had an advent calendar you know
I also picked up a few various pieces for putting up at christmas
its my job to decorate so i want it to look good and stuff
so yeah i brought a few pieces which came to £10 so good value
I walked through a few other shops and then walked to my car and came home
I went on my laptop for a short while
then as I had the house to myself for the first time in a long time
i practised my dancing downstairs
so I did the 'Eevee March' and Mana Ashida's Gyu Gyu Gyu
2 short dances Id like to get done~
i enjoyed it tho but I was running short on energy as i havent been grabbing out to sugar today no matter how much I may have wanted to I didnt
I feel like ive got withdrawal XD
then I had a brew with mum
I sat upstairs doing my Japanese, practised Kanji and started to learn how to tell the time too
I helped out with dinner
now im just here doing my diary so i can get in the shower, sit with Oz, do my nails and go to bed to wake up at 3am and worry about a job I dont want to do!
tomorrow is sodding school
i cant tell you how much i dont want to go
and i havent been there a month yet! also but not yet
gonna start my day with a big bowl of cereal thats for bloody sure
Evening~~
I went to bed at 9:20
think I must have fallen asleep well before 10pm I was shattered and didnt read
i was in pain as well and quite grumpy too
and look who woke up at 6:30am!
at 7:10am I crawled into bed with mummy for 20 mins
In the morning I had girls in who were still fresh from their bath on friday ^^
I weighed myself to discover I have put even more weight on
so I cried
I cried on my mums bed
mum told me I wasnt fat and I told her that im cutting down as im unhappy
and that im not eating anything sweet now and she needs to help me
she said she will point out to me when im reaching for sweet stuff
but why do i bother exercising? seriously why do i bother?
i know people who eat worse than me and do less than me and dont put anything on
how is it fair? whats up with my body?
im gonna buy weight loss pills for over the christmas period
me and mum were off to the city centre this morning but because she takes
longer than me to get ready in the morning i went out to post office
to post my international christmas cards and my 2 UK presents
its early to post christmas presents but I refuse to make two journeys to the post office
so that came to £8 just to make others happy
I picked up some bread for mum on the way home too as no one else will do it and it saves her
i came back and she was there waiting for me thank god
we got into the city for 10am
it was raining
rained all morning so i was glad i wasnt doing park run
but it was annoying we had rain as we were looking round the outdoor xmas market
it had the same tat on it like it does every year which i told mum it would do
but she insisted on looking round it
our annual hot chocolate was disappointing i found as usually you get some chocolate bar with it and we got crumbs and i said to the woman how crap it was she didnt seem impressed with me but i was cold my feet stung i ached and id had enough of people
but still i drank it
me and mum said next year we'd bring our own chocolate bars to add to it
there was so much good food on the market but i didnt eat any
probably for the best as im crazy enough with food thoughts without eating rubbish
from our trip i picked up a thicker bigger snood for work as mine isnt big or warm enough
i got 2 pairs of reduced fleece pajamas from debenams the snood was from there too so everything should last pretty well
i picked up a present for karen which is a plastic bauble filled with white feathers she loves angels and wings, and i picked up for our tree a mini sledge
mum got her friends christmas presents
then we came away really
i came home and had porridge for lunch
then i went to bed
i was so cold and tired id just had enough and couldnt even think of what to do with myself so i just had an hour sleeping
not slept during the day for a while!
i got up and spent ages applying to that school job and applying to a weekend job
i can but try
took me ages tho
then me and mum popped out to the pot shop so i could pick up my penguin plate
must say its come out better than i had thought actually
just need a plate stand now for it
i will photograph it tomorrow~
i watched a couple of things on youtube whilst i ate my dinner
i made myself a salad but ate too much bread with it
then i did some japanese
did a bit of yoga
then went for a run for half hour, came in and showered and now gonna go for Oz and bed
im happy as ive ordered my dad something offline for christmas
cus my god is he hard to buy for
he says not to buy him anything but then moans on christmas day he has nothing to open
so cant win ether way as hes not even that bothered about what you buy him
and he buys for no one not even his wife
anyway ive brought him Karl Pilkington Sick of It on DVD
we have all wanted to see it and it only aired in Autumn so i was surprised how quick its come out on DVD it was aired on Sky1 and we dont have Sky so we couldnt see it
so yeah i can tick him off now~ he was my last person to do but wasnt the end of the world if i didnt buy him anything kinda thing
today its 1st December which is a lil frightening really
i opened my advent calender and got a reindeer face chocolate
my calender here was £1.99 which I thought was enough to pay
i saw some REDUCED in debenams today for like £20....seriously who is gonna pay that
no wonder the shelves were full of em
dad said i should have treated myself to one now im earning money but i couldnt understand the logic in spending £20 on well packaged chocolate especially as im cutting down
tomorrow mia says i can see her for a cuppa at 9am
its early but only time she has spare and saves me waiting round for her
we were going for a walk but she wants me to see her tree that shes put up today...
level of sadness there i think
planning on taking a sleeping tablet tonight~
It's friday!
My god thank you
Hello it's me who has been awake since 2:30am!
woohoo go me for once again not sleeping and thinking about my crap job!!
i got up and i looked white with blue tinted lips
Dad got up at 6:40 which is extra early considering i dont need waking til 6:50am
but i know he is keen to start his morning routine and get on that computer
i had so much cereal this morning thought i was gonna chuck it up
the traffic was dead light this morning so i got to school early
but sat in my car texting as i dont work any longer than im paid for
my morning was busy in nursery but quite pleasant as we were doing
Henna designs on children's hands (using face paint) so i was in my element really
then the teacher had me cutting out stuff
so i had no outside duty to do
mum picked me up at lunch and we went for a brew at a pub it was nice
and i shared my lunch time biscuits with her as id been robbing biscuits from the staffroom anyway
she dropped me off just as the whistle blew
but it was nice to get off the school grounds
after lunch was fine
i just felt a lil woozy and a staff member said i looked a bit green another said i looked pale they were 2 separate occasions so im guessing i wasnt looking good
still i got the job done
didnt do much after i had kicked the kids out as i felt like i was gonna keel over to be honest
and got home to have a brew with mum and cereal
ive eaten so much cereal today but i just needed a little happiness in my life
i went on just dance despite how i was feeling and enjoyed flexing out a bit
im sore after yoga yesterday so i have yet more pain to deal with
then i popped on my laptop but that soon bored me
then i realised i had 2 more xmas cards that need to go post office tomorrow and a present so i sat and sorted them out, honestly ive got a bag full going to this post office tomorrow but if i can give happiness to others then it is worth it
me and mum set off for a walk after dinner but only got down the road before it rained!
can you believe that!? so typical
i may dance in my room yet
tomorrow it best not rain
i have a nice morning lined up, part from going post office thats just dull
im going into the city centre to on the christmas market with mum for our yearly tradition of a hot chocolate from the hot chocolate stall. we will do any shopping mum wants to do
as i dont believe theres anything i want/need
not sure what im doing rest of day
be strange not going park run but we want to get into the centre
oh mum bathed pigs today so they are fresh ^^
dont want to return to school
im gonna apply to that local school tomorrow
feel fat and horrible still cant even bare looking down at myself when i take my clothes off and im unhappy about every aspect of my life as well lately but maybe it has something to do with crap job, pain and not sleeping
weighing myself tomorrow assess the damage of the week
Konbanwa
I went running club last night
turns out we werent running 3 miles that night
we were doing just 2
but in all honesty i found doing 2 bloody hard work
and a woman was trying to talk to me as well >.>
i cant talk and walk as it effects my breathing rhythm
but also its my tune off time my time to think about nothing
but if im talking im thinking
so in the end i decreased my speed and let her go cus she winding me up
i dont go running club to make small talk with strangers
i was quite done in afterwards
didnt sleep great again
but much to my surprise my dad was 8 mins late getting up!! O:
should have seen him rush XD not that he neednt rush he had nothing to get for
but it was because his autistic routine was broken
things werent done by certain times in the morning
funny
i had amazing cereals too mum picked them up and i could sit and eat the box
traffic was bad this morning i got there tho on time
my morning was just a typical morning really
group work in the morning was alright
i just dont enjoy the nursery children just brats really
coming back to class you just dont have a minute its just chaos really
lunch time i sat in the staff room in silence then did yoga in class
my body is in need of the chiropractor thats for sure
mum had kindly booked me in for an hours massage on 22nd december
the afternoon wasnt too bad i guess
my groups were nice
and gets me out of class which is a bonus at times
after i had dismissed the children i had to go learn interactive music in the staffroom with the head TA it went fine and we were finished for 4pm much to my surprise
so i can now teach interactive music and im down to start it tomorrow
i can give it a go i guess
kids dont know if youre winging things
i came in and had a brew
sat with Oz too offered him cereal but he didnt want it so i ate it
i was annoyed at myself as i robbed a biscuit from the staffroom today and i shouldnt
need to cut back man
but it was white chocolate
i need to have more restraint
im weighing myself on saturday as usual anyway
probably put even more weight on as usual
tomorrow its effing friday thank god for that cus jesus im ready to see the back of that place but i know school looks in the horizon im never truly free of it
but i have a decent weekend to look forward to
just gotta get tomorrow done
i dont like working in nursery as i have to on a friday til lunch and no group time ether in the morning i hate it its just crowd control and being stood outside in the cold really too
but once its done its done
earning money isnt even making me happy
as i have nothing to spend it on
and i dont like the job
so why do i go?
im off to yoga in a minute anyway
should be good
and i best be able to tune off
and tonight my god do i hope i sleep
ive been taking things to help sleep but its not working
tired -_____-
just got tomorrow to do
come on Jo
Evening
Im not sleeping
please someone tell me why i wake up in the night and when i do why am I thinking about school!? its doing my effing head in ive had enough im so damn tired
i didnt really want to go school today
my morning i was in the other class and I was outside to start with which
it was a bit chilly but not the worst we've had so i tried to not to complain there
then it was break time and then computers and lunch
all went pretty to be honest
lunch i did my usual of eating not speaking to anyone
then i did yoga for 20 mins
after lunch it was a bit dull
id had enough to be honest
the job is just relentless and not getting any enjoyment or satisfaction out of it
when i leave that job it will be like the best day ever
its just a true pee take and thankless
i hate it
and hate going
i hate the kids
i just hate it
then when all is said and done
i go on to hate myself
i get told by my head not to eat my lunch that im fat
im constantly told by my head how ugly and fat i am
i cant remember what happiness feels like i really cant
and i cant even think of anything that would truly make me feel happy right now
i came home and mum had made for the first time Nutella cookies
i wasnt gonna eat one but i could tell she wanted me to try one
so i did and i couldnt taste it i was so wound up
that lead to me hating myself and how much weight i would put on cus i gave in
and ate the cookie
ive got running club today
its mega windy out there but has stopped raining as its been raining
on and off today but that wind is strong i hope its not against me tonight
does not feel like a week since ive been tho so thats a lil scary
im so tired mentally and physically that im not sure how 5k is gonna get ran tonight
and its gonna make my muscles feel even more sore than they already do
god id kill for a hot steamy bath
but im hoping the run will make me feel better - mentally
i believe mum is coming and walking it
its a push for her with her bad foot but i know shes trying
and cus of the way i am tonight shes trying for me i know she is bless her
cus its nice having company even tho we dont actually do the 5k together
god im gonna be shattered if i dont sleep tonight
tomorrow just another crappy day at school really
got my groups to do which i dont get on a wednesday
at least i wasnt with nursery or 2 years old today
and i will have yoga after school too
right thats it
i could quite easily go into school tomorrow and tell them they can stick this job up their arse
Evening
I managed a walk with mum last night
and did some more work with Kanji
I didnt sleep that well tho so im tired physically and mentally
and its only tuesday feels like it should be thursday at least!
I got ready for school
it was freezing last night and this morning
so i super dashed round this morning and was able to find time to bring
the girls inside and feed them too
i did well this morning
my morning at school was a lil different
as i suddenly had to cover someone which is what im there for a lot of the time
but got me out of my lesson of looking after the child that screamed down my ear yesterday
then i had a talk on autism
which i cant say i learned anything and brought back a lot of memories with my brother
and there was only parents there who were concerned about their children
so i shared my brother's story and the dept head said to me it was really good of me to share a positive story like that
we've got to have another session as we didnt get through everything
i was so cold tho
cold from covering outside earlier then the hall where the talk was held for an hour was so damn cold i said good bye to the feeling in my toes anyway
then it was time for lunch so i helped feed the children
then went to lunch i was grateful of my hot drink that was for sure
then a woman walked into the staffroom and i knew her
she works at my old primary school! she does 3 days there and 2 days on supply
small world so i spoke to her about school
she said they got rid of a TA last year as there was no money to pay her...wow
no classroom has a full time TA ether
i went back to class and we didnt have P.E. much to my disappointment
the after noon went pretty slow to be honest as it chucked it down outside so we couldnt play out
so that made the afternoon even longer
i didnt have group work ether to go and do
at the end of the day i got a few things ready and helped with display work
then left at 4:01
ran to my car which is becoming a habit but it was also lashing it down
so i had a horrid drive home in the dark and rain!
i came in and sat and had a brew with Oz knowing he wouldnt have been out much this afternoon due to the weather and he was practically sleeping next to me like hes had a hard day or something!
lazy bunbun
then i went on Just Dance 3 for 25 mins
couldnt be bothered but enjoyed it and knew i wouldnt be walking tonight
then i went upstairs and wrapped my cousin's xmas present
god wrapping already
feels so surreal that its less than a month til the horrid day
but im planning on posting my cousin's xmas present and card on saturday
and im not gonna get any other time to wrap now til then
and im sending the xmas cards that need to go abroad too on saturday
so whilst sending my couins xmas present is early it also me not wanting to make 2 trips to the post office so two birds two stones kinda thing
but feels too early to start christmas crap
yet ive seen people with their trees and decorations up!
mia is putting hers up on saturday!
tomorrow is school
and hopefully running club after school as well
im hoping i wont be put with 2 year olds tomorrow but who knows
tonight might do some more japanese
and have an early night really
Evening~~
I went to bed at 8:45pm after sitting with Oz and doing my nails
I needed a wee but refused to go
and then i woke up during the night thinking "dad will be up anytime"
he wasnt so i checked my phone it was only 4:30am -____-
i dosed from there really my bladder killing me but knew i would not sleep
at all if i got up for a wee
so im quite tired and have sore eyes
I got ready for school as normal
and didnt feel too apprehensive about going school actually
my morning was busy and group work went ok
but what i wasnt happy with was a special needs kid i got lumbered with
sat crying and screaming in my ear for 40 mins
wouldnt stop it was crazy
other staff tried with him but no avail
so i was stuck with him and an ever growing headache
he was sent home as we believe he was poorly
thank bloody god is what i can say
lunch i ate in the quiet
and then i did yoga in another classroom
for about 20 mins it felt good to stretch out
then after lunch i was in the other class and we joined classes to go have a talk on tools...
yes tools and i dont mean plastic ones ether
im talking saws with actual metal teeth on them and even something
called a Dozuki!! jesus what were these people thinking
theyve brought these tools for 4 years to use!!!!
it was hard to get my head round
just when do they think we're gonna have the time to sit and carefully watch each child not hurt themselves, the guy giving the talk was the groundsman and he made a wooden car whilst we watched and said there was enough for everyone to make one.
when this is gonna happen i am unsure
crazy if you ask me
we werent even tasked with such a thing as 13 year olds at high school!
after that i had my groups to do which went fine really
then got ready for home time near enough
not sure where the day actually goes!
i got home quick too as i signed out 4:01 and light traffic so that was good
i came in and mum made me a brew ^^ and brought Oz to sit with me
then i went on just dance for about 25mins cus i needed to get rid of the tense feeling i felt
then went on my laptop but didnt do a lot really
and had dinner i had left overs so i got to sit by myself in the quiet
now me and mum are going for a walk
im tired but i know i can do it
tomorrow another day at school
i will be attending and autism meeting at 10:30 for an hour
so i will have a different morning
heres a new lip stick ive been trying its alright actually
and doesnt hurt my lips too much
