Not remembering my evening

Evening~~

I literally have no memory of going to bed last night
honestly i took a sleeping tablet and sat with Oz and then i woke up in my bed
what happened?
mum said i was staggering and swaying she'd never seen me like that it
was like a i was drunk she said
whats more cringing is that yesterday i said id text tara to say i was home
and this morning i thought "damn for forgot to text tara i best do it"
there on my text messages at 9:30pm last night was a non english text from me to her!!!
i dont remember doing that at all!!!
how embarrassing 
im not sure if it was a combo of extra antipressants and sleeping tablets that did it
but my god i was away with the fairies
i woke up at 4am but went straight back to sleep
waking up at 7:30am
i was zombiefied tho

i managed to do some dancing this morning some how
showered and then did some chores 
i went to bed then i got up and went food shopping with mum
then i started my guinea pig water colour which is going well
then did half hour of yoga
watched a comedy dvd - i actually sat down watching tv!
i was just so much like a corpse
i watched an episode of anime tonight
and i just wanna go to bed

dad wants me to take another tablet tonight
but balls to him i dont want to 
but then he ALWAYS right 
dont know how im gonna get out of it without him having a go at me
dont want to spend another day as a corpse

i got this lip gloss in the post today
it looks blue but its clear when it goes on and has glitter in it :3
want it to go over the top of colours~

not sure what im doing tomorrow
i might go running club

I met his Mother

Evening~

got 4 hours sleep
im so sleep deprived its unreal
how do i even function!?
i got up at 7am anyway

I did some dancing this morning
i did some drawing
then i sat with Oz and a brew
and got ready for work and had lunch

school was alright
alan said i looked tired and hes never said that to me before
i said i wanted to do stuff the didnt require any thinking
so i just did washing up
i couldnt even be bothered to talk to be honest

At the end of the school day Jack's mum was picking him up
as he was taking a load of cardboard boxes home so me and alan thought we'd help
him carry them out to her car
so ive met Jack's mother...and yeah i can tell he has a few of her features
i was only there like 30 seconds
and she had no idea what so ever who i was
and jack didnt seem to think i was worthy enough to be introduced
so yeah i kept quiet
i put the boxes in her car and thought i'd see how the land lies
i said "theyre for jack's body parts" - i have no shame 
she said "oh theres no need for that, hes moving out now"
i said "id drive off now and make him take the tram home" jack just told me to shut up XD
so yeah that was me meeting his mummy

i called into hobby craft on my way home
picked up water color paper for the guinea pig painting i need to do
so i can start that this week~

i came home and had a quick brew
then i headed off to tara's house
i sat and talked to her and james joined us
we were talking and he said "why are you aiming your foot at me?"
i said "sorry i didnt even realise id moved, i cant help but fidget"
he said "yeah i have noticed"
i burst "ahh no you havent!!!"
he said "i really have"
tara said "i havent noticed she fidgets"
james said "are you joking? she never keeps still!"
i said "jack thought i had ADHD when i first met him"
james said "yeah i can well believe that"
i told him to shut up XD 
its nice were so comfortable with one another
but i did kinda feel conscious of my fidgeting its just cus im constantly in pain
so i feel better when i move
i do it without even noticing 

i came home and made myself salad
did my diary then im gonna sit with Oz and take a sleeping tablet
as mum has said for our sanity that i take one 
i am starting to crack
i need sleep 
i hope it works
but i have no plans tomorrow anyway 

pain clinic rang today and im having a telephone appointment next tuesday to talk about my pain basically i think. joy

i got my lace trousers in the post today theyre awesome i love them
but theyre a size 10 and im hoping my none existent hips can hold them up ><

heres the 2 place mats i made for the neighbours by mum's request

7 hours sleep over 48 hours and leopard nails

Yo

I didn't sleep well again

had to get up and sat with tens machine on whilst watching videos on a tablet

fun times

i fell asleep around 3am and woke up at 7:20am

so ive had 7 hours sleep over 48 hours

whens this gonna end

i hurt so much

and im so tired 

this morning i somehow motivated myself for a run

i did 30 mins of yoga before i left

i enjoyed it as even tho it was a lil chilly the sun was out it was good

and for the first time this year i ran through the woods!

i LOVE running through the woods i truly do

leaping over branches and the like~

i wasnt even out of breath ether surprisingly 

i came back and showered

then i got ready to see Jack

i got into the city centre and hour early so i could have a look round

just for something to do really

i picked up a nail varnish and an eye shadow

two good brands like loreal paris from poundshop!

cant wait to give em a go

then i met jack

we did his house shopping which wasnt too much as it goes

we had a hot chocolate

then we sat in a different pub for a change and we talked

he stayed with me til my bus came

it had gotten cold and it was a 25min wait but i was grateful he stayed with me as i was robbing his heat i was so damn cold and i was more layered up than he was! 

i got home and was in time for dinner

then i sat with Oz

then i could feel myself start to fray

as the evening creeps on i know the night is baring down on me

and its another night by myself 

a long night alone, in pain

and its so depressing

so i went to my mum for a hug and started to crumble

later i talked to her about stuff

i didnt get too upset just a few stray tears 

im just tired is all, not sleeping and being constantly in pain is so tiring 

dad annoyed me this morning with his comments about my sleep

he knows nothing and doesnt understand anything and it infuriates me as he thinks hes always in the right and that youve done wrong

if he says anymore i will literally brick his balls 

my nails last night

theyre ok but not as good as last weeks

tomorrow i will exercise in the morning

and go to school after lunch

i listened to some songs the other day i havent heard since my college days, bands such as Alice Nine and i was surprised how much i could understand compared to those days

and today i went through some anime music and i forgot all songs i used to enjoy

one has just made it into my drawing playlist "Aka no Seijaku" 

its good to look back on music and its always always jpop with me~

A bit of an early mother's day

Evening~

Look who didn't sleep until 4am!
god what a sodding night
i could not sleep i hurt so much
that i got up at 12:30am
i even tried going on the Wii in thinking that when i exercise the pain lessens 
but after song one, despite being on the lowest volume my brother came down and said he could hear the tv so i turned it off which annoyed me
but when i told mum this morning she said i should have pleased myself and carried on
i went to bed at 3am and drifted off around 4am
what a long sodding night
and i woke up at 7:15am so i'd had 3 hours sleep

i got up and got dressed and left the house
it felt like a prison as id been round it all night by myself
so i went and brought some flowers for my mum
then i went, without my ipod, for a walk by the river
i needed to be soothed by water, by the sounds and smells of it
and i enjoyed that, that was at 9:15am
so peaceful~

I came back and did the flowers for mum she appreciated them ^^
then i pretty much went to bed
whilst i had been out my mum and brother had brought the pets out the shed
so theyre by the back door now and when that happens it always feels like spring to me
its so lovely seeing them outside the door
cant see them in the shed
molly has, by day 1, clocked that if she squeaks loud enough we can hear her through the door and mum literally goes running to her with salad in her hand like praising a guinea  pig for actually squeaking....*sigh*

i had lunch when i woke up and then i went on my laptop
ordered a couple of clothes 
and then i did some baking

ta-da~~ said id do mum some cookies for the early mother's day
i havent given her her card yet she can have that on actual mothers day
the cookies taste good and i told jack i made them and he wants one
mum was like "take him a love heart one"
i said "does it look like i want to give him a love heart cookie!?" XD
not happening
ah yeah the git as well
basically i said before i see him tomorrow id go for a run to burn off some energy so i wasnt too hyper when i saw him 
and he said "do i not make your heart beat fast?"
i said "i said i was burning energy not raising my heart rate, besides im surprised you doubt that considering how nervous you make me"
he said "yeah i can actually feel your heart at times"
WHAT!!?? why am i only finding out about this now!? jeez like i can sleep after knowing that!!!! how embarrassing is that. just want to die T^T

the cookies were good~
I did some dancing after that and worked a bit more on cross road
i want to relearn onepixcel's Tondeke
i showered and decorated the biscuits

then i went and put some new songs on my ipod
ive sat with Oz a few times today bless him
hes missing the shed to sit in and brood in XD

Jack had put on the group chat that its lord of the rings quiz night on tuesday
i said id rather watch paint dry
made everyone laugh and agree with me XD
not attending that i can assure you

i watched an episode of anime tonight
one about a ghost in a hot springs it was random and funny so i might finish it at some point theres only 12 episodes

tomorrow im gonna go for a run then meet jack in the city centre i think 

god only knows if i'll sleep tonight
but cant be any worse than last night
i caught an hour's sleep today 
i dont hurt like i did last night anyway
i mean i hurt but nothing like yesterday

Wolf painting

Otsukararesama deshita~~

I didn't sleep great
I woke up at 12:30 which is taking the pee as I couldnt have been
asleep for longer than an hour if that
by 1:30am i was up and stayed up til 3am
i did half hour of yoga
i woke up at 6:40am and decided to get up as I hated being in bed

I got ready for work I wasnt feeling too bad about work on the whole
I got there and there was written Rebecca's list of stuff I had to sort
my god it was a list it was the whole of the school's biology lessons for monday
so it took me quite a while and cus im still learning on the go it did take a while
but i got there and later on Rebecca only picked me up on a couple of minor things, she said at the start i was gonna make mistakes tho but on the whole i did well ^^
I saw Liv when I went to go photocopying and I brought my memory stick to print out the drawing i did for her, she called Alacia up and she came straight over and they printed and laminated an A3 copy each and did smaller copies for their offices :3 its nice when my work is appreciated and i can make others happy

Lunch time came round it was just me jack and alan
those two proper winding me up as they love my reactions
talking about bloody fetishes!!! and they kept asking jack what was his but i was adamant he wasnt gonna say it as i didnt want to know and alan told us his and the more i found out about the going offs of the world the more i slowly (without realising it) wheeled my chair further away from jack til alan pointed out i wasnt near jack any more XD puts me off men when i hear crap like that
but theyr were in hysterics from winding me up

after lunch i did some bacteria work which stunk but i got it done
rebecca did it with me
i was trained up on the radioactive cupboard too
and did some washing up for jack
man I just did not stop today! 

came home and mum made me a brew 
i ate some food as the only thing i ate at school was a brownie liv gave me which i regret eating as it gave me bad stomach ache all afternoon but i was just joining in with everyone
i was gonna dance as i needed to fling myself around but dad sodding came home early so that screwed that up
in the end i fell asleep on my bed
got up for dinner and mum sad i looked rough
i felt like death my pain was through the roof
i did half hour of yoga but still no relief
i was stressed like a caged tiger 
so at 8:45pm i went for a walk by myself
im a little bit better for going but i am still in loads and loads of pain
shouldnt be this painful
so it looks like a rough night/early morning for me
cus no way can i sleep whilst hurting this badly

tomorrow im gonna buy mum some flowers and give her her mother's day card 
and maybe do some baking too
and apart from that i havent got anything else planned really
might do some art

here's last weekend's art
its the wolf i used liquid masking tape for 
didnt come out well

heres what it looked like with paint on before i pealed it off

weird isnt it

anyway i might take a lot of pain killers tonight
we shall see what fun awaits me~

Doodle of Alacia and Liv

Evening~~~

I had an exact repeat of the night before
woo for me -______-

I got up for school at 6:50am

School was fine I was with the youngest class which I have been in before
but hadnt worked with that teacher
and it all went fine I had two lots of group work
and yeah she appreciated all I did and said I was good at my job
and I got to leave at 11:45! bonus!
I can be a TA with my eyes shut its so easy for me

I came home and mum got home half hour before
me and kindly made me a salad :D
I ate that and dosed on the sofa for half hour
then i went on my laptop watched make up tutorials and then ordered a few
bits of make up just to try and play with 

Then as I was left home alone i decided to do some dancing
did kinda well but my god i was so sweaty
why do i sweat so much when i dance!?
good session tho i needed it
so i hit the shower

we havent got yoga tonight i think karen is poorly
so ive had the evening to myself
which has given me the time ive needed to do the picture for Liv and Alacia for tomorrow
just this minute finished it 

im pleased with the outcome its cute
and they seem well happy with it also
so i will take that in on a memory stick tomorrow for them to print
now just got like an hour to kill really so i might do a face pack or something

Jack told me ive got lesson prep to do tomorrow for monday its biology
then im doing some biology work
ahhhhhhhhhhhh thats me not sleeping tonight
i hope i dont screw up too much
i just want to get it right and expect better of myself 
but Jack said he and alan are around to help
but i will try and figure out as much as i can by myself

think my next art piece is a painting of guinea pigs ><

tomorrow just got school really

mia went gym yesterday so proud haha
she says she doesnt hurt too much today and is going again tonight
wonder how long she can keep this up for 
she wants to do it til august but i will be amazed if she does XD

My god I hope I get some sleep tonight
sick of wanting to cry cus im in that much pain

Return to running club

Konbanwa~

Went to bed at 9:30pm
but had to get up and so didnt go back to bed til 2am
i was in so much pain I felt like crying
it horrendous that I didnt know what to do with myself
I slept on top of my bed in my dressing gown just because it was more padded
but i woke up so many times cold
just cold and achy
awful night
i felt like death this morning but still i got up at 7am 
as much as i would have liked to have laid in i couldnt stand being in bed any longer

I cleaned Oz out this morning
then I had a shower and went food shopping with mum
I came home and went to bed
then I went out with mum for a short walk
i could not believe the weather it was 18c!!

I came back and went on my laptop and decided
id make mum a mothers day card as I need to and I wasnt in the mood
for digital art work
so I took my time and got that done ^^
Im pleased with it

I started to get nervous as running club was on the horizon
i dont know why i felt so stupidly nervous! 
whats there to be nervous about!?
I did some stretches and got myself ready to go
i saw mum's friends as they passed me to do the walking group
mum misses going but shes just having so much pain with her feet she struggles to walk
its taking ages to repair its self tho must be so frustrating to her
so i said hello to them
and my running group they pointed out the route and who was front runner
I found the front runners easy to keep up with so i ran behind the lead runner
until he turned and said he was gonna run 4miles not 3mile and told me the route for 3mile
so i ran the 3mile route becoming the lead runner as there was only 2 people doing 4 miles
so yeah i ran alone, under a full moon
it was nice but i have to question if theres much point in me attending as they run too slow for me
not to show off or anything but they are just too slow, i dont go to push myself
i didnt come away tired in fact i feel i have energy to dance 
so maybe im better off running by myself as and when i want to :/

i came home ate my dinner and went for a shower
its now 8pm and im wondering how my evening will go
not in the mood to focus on anything really
heres a blusher i got in the post this week
its really nice, looks like nail varnish XD

Jack gave me a number to ring today as i havent been paid by school
but apparently i wasnt on the february pay list so i was forgotten about
but everything will be owed to me on friday :)
Jack said he's managed to almost sort his paper work out for his house
and that work have agreed to give him a pay rise so he has decided to stay 
im really relieved hes staying and not switching schools!
speaking of school
ive got school tomorrow
just a primary school ive been to quite a few times now
with the little ones but luckily its only til lunch
then freedom!
i will be home alone so im unsure what i will do
might dance or draw i shall see