Konbanwa~~
Despite falling asleep during the day yesterday
I did manage to sleep
it did take me a while but i got there! and I slept
once again having weird dreams but keeps me quiet I guess XD
This morning I danced for 45 mins
got to the end of Sexy Cat no Enzetsu which i wanted to learn again
but i need to practice it more yet
im gonna get to the end of cross road maybe tomorrow
i literally ran out of energy today
my arms ached! i ached a lot today and dancing did help but was a strain
I did a bit of sewing before work
then got ready for work
work was alright
prepped biology with the help of alan
did a shed load of washing i dont wanna see another test tube for a bit
then i prepped jack's chemistry stuff
honestly i was doing everyones job today XD
but made the time go
i had the job of cutting grass as soon as i got in so i went outside and cut grass with my back to the path and with my jacket on and black trousers and pig tails
i had two teachers come up to me and ask if i was ok. im sure they thought from the back of me that i was a student not staff... XD
but yeah school was fine
even tho i could have been sick with anxiety before i left
i didnt eat lunch anyway
i came home and had a drink and got changed then went to hypnotherapy
she worked on my anxiety today
which im hoping is gonna help!
i came back and had dinner
then ive been sorting out patchwork really
doing 5 more hopefully tomorrow but realised i need to cut more sodding fabric ugh
doing the grey and the black tomorrow and if i get them done it raises my total to 20 blocks
im hoping i sleep tonight
i should do im tired enough!
tomorrow i plan on dancing in the morning
then i will get on with sewing really
about it
heres my nails from i believe last week i never uploaded
i like this weeks nails i hope i photographed them as theyre all chipped now
i need to do my nails
do em maybe wednesday
Evening~~
Yeah I just haven't been doing my diary entries have I XD
well basically I have still been sleeping
even thursday night which is usually a total curse to me
I actually needed my alarm clock friday morning 0.0
i honestly cant remember the last time i had need of my alarm clock
usually im awake before the bugger has time to chime XD
I got up and showered at 6:30am for work
i felt sick before work i truly did -_____-
work was alright tho
i was none stop busy in the morning
one of my jobs was freezing 52 pig and lamb hearts
a lot of the teachers walked through and were cringing and glad they didnt have to deal with them
im fine with it, doesnt bother me in the slightest
maybe im just abnormal like that
i joked around with alan and got him to add me on facebook so i dont lose contact with him
lunch time came and i had really force the porridge down me
i did it
but got stomach ache
after lunch i had to work out chemicals like translate what NaHO meant and i got it right! i had work out how to dilute 1M acid to 0.4M and i asked Jack how to do it but he gave me a look that kinda said "come on jo you should know by now"
i took a stab at it and got it right
my god sleep does amazing stuff
i obviously know stuff but too slept deprived to actually use my brain
and yeah i got through the day i didnt stop
i came home and rested a bit i was shattered to be honest
then once i picked up i started up cushion making and didnt stop til 9:30pm!!
they were looking so good i just wanted to see them finished
so here we have
Skyrim Imperial Symbol (Jack's) and Mortal Kombat 2 (Theo's)
Pokemon (Jack's) and Marvel (Theo's)
i went to bed and slept
saturday
originally i wasnt seeing jack but because he was still home alone
i took pity on him and decided to go see him
i didnt see him til the afternoon tho
i had a slow morning of doing practically nothing
no sewing i couldnt face it after doing it til late the previous night
we went and did his shopping and got other bits
mainly for work if im honest
then we went to his and i cant remember what we did
but i decided to spend the night so he popped home with me to collect my stuff
we saw Oz who was all over him like a rash >.>
got back to jack's and had dinner he made egg fried rice with veg
then we went to bed at 11:30pm trying to keep with my bed time
my head had been a total mess for the last 3 days
hearing noises and everything and Eko was pent up like a tiger in a cage
so it came as no shock to me when i changed
i dont even remember going
but her and jack had tea together...at like midnight he was making tea and having it with her of course none of us know how she takes her tea so he was experimenting with her letting her try it different ways. Turns out she likes her black with 1 and a half sugars
the thought makes me cringe, black tea
i have mine very milky and half sugar
quite different
very weird
he said it was surreal sitting there having tea with her
i think next hes introducing her to biscuits
having split personality is very strange
but im oddly getting used to it
as long as jack is ok im becoming accepting of the situation
he still finds it very weird at times and finds her very creepy
says we have different voices and different smiles
he says mine is cheeky like im gonna get up to something and hers is downright creepy
today!
i woke up later than jack at 8am
i had to get up tho so i left him in bed for another hour
he said he felt bad but i reassured him my friends are all used to me getting up before them
they know im in pain i have to move and take medication
so i left him, went upstairs and danced, did some doodling and listened to my ipod
then i went to wake him XD
we got ready and ate waffles for breakfast *0*
i drove us to country park 30mins away
went for a walk in the woods which he enjoyed
we ate ice cream it was soooo damn good that was lunch i guess XD
then we left and i went somewhere to an old tea room and we had tea i had lady earl grey, jack tried something random but my god it was good!!! It was Lapsang Souchong tea. It was like smokey and he wrote it down to buy some at some point
we left there and went to his
when we got there i literally fell asleep on the sofa
dont know if it was fresh air, walking, hay fever, driving but i just went
i was so annoyed at myself but jack said i obviously needed it
i was like "why didnt you wake me!?"
he said "you looked so cute" -__________-
i left his and came home at 6pm
ive since had some food and hate myself for eating
sick of hating myself for eating as of late
just dont enjoy eating or want to eat but i do cus i have to
i came on my laptop and i ordered some lapsang tea and a hair clip
and now gonna sit with Oz and hope i sleep today even tho i fell asleep earlier
tomorrow im dancing in the morning
and then I have work
im going in half hour early and leaving half hour early because I have hypnotherapy at 4:30pm and it doesnt leave me a lot of time to get there if i finish work at 4pm so jack said it was fine to finish at 3:30pm then im not having hypnotherapy in my uniform
think shes gonna work on my pain
Evening~
Last night I was sooo ready for bed
but it did take me a while to actually get off to sleep
and those wondering doubts slip into your head "was it a one off? will i sleep?"
but I did eventually and woke up at 4am really needing a wee XD
then I fell straight back off to sleep
usually i cant sleep if i get up
so i am surprised
and very grateful
hopefully it continues
This morning I got up to take mum to the doctors as she was having a steroid injection in her foot at 9am and once she'd had it done it meant she cant be on her feet for the remainder of the day in order to give the steroid the best possible chance of working
so i drove her and told her when she got in
"you're only allowed up for the toilet!"
she had made herself lunch yesterday ready so i wouldnt have to do that for her -___-
makes me feel like im not capable but she said it was just not to trouble me
this morning i didnt dance as mum was in the living room with her feet literally up XD
so i showered and got to work sewing
i got 4 more blocks done making it 15/24!!! im getting there
so today i did hot pink, baby blue, and 2 turquoise
all i have left is blue, green, grey and black
boring colours til last XD
Theo's fabric came in the post at 2pm
so i thought once i had finished my 4 that I would start the cushions
i was so careful cutting it all out
i literally only just had enough fabric would you believe
in the end i got done the pokemon and the marvel one
so i just have the two applique dragons to do
which wont take me long to do at all
i'll have them done for sunday when i see jack
dont think im seeing him saturday think hes watching lord of the rings with his friends
like all the films in a day. i cant sit through one never mind all of em
so i opted out XD
i cooked mum dinner
she requested scrambled egg on toast
and whilst i was at it i made it for dad too
simple dinner mum was grateful for ^^
ive cleaned up today, made loads of cups of tea, fetched things, sorted the girls out
sat with mum as well
i ordered some stuff online as well
went for a walk tonight
and did 20mins of yoga
but couldnt do all my routine as it involves being on knee caps
and at 8am this morning i thought it was a good idea to walk into the back door frame
with my knee cap hitting the corner of the frame
i shuddered in pain my god that was some strong pain
forget having ear pierced and stuff
that hurt
and i think ive bruised the bone
cus i cant put any pressure on it without it screaming at me
*sigh* another stupid this i do that causes yet more pain
tomorrow i have work
gonna shower before i go as i need waking up
last two mornings im half asleep after actually sleeping XD
im taking porridge for my lunch which i havent done before
i think im making something with rebecca as well tomorrow
should be an alright day
hope i sleep!
Hiya~~~
Ahhhh such brilliant news~
after being hypnotised yesterday
i did in fact sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the first time I have slept in my own bed, sleep tablet free, through the night SINCE NOVEMBER!
what a bloody achievement
I am so pleased
I was really hoping for it to happen and it did
felt kinda surreal to wake up and it be...morning
wow when was the last time that happened? and I didnt feel hungover from sleeping tablets
proves theres something in this hypnosis stuff huh
kinda excited to know what will come of it when she works on my pain and other stuff
hopefully tonight will be a repeat!
i didnt wake up with bags under my eyes which was amazing in its self really
so this morning i had a shower and went out with mum
she wanted to spend the day with me basically as shes making the most of me
before i start working full time
we went round a few clothes shops
i got bra, pants, 2 tops and a pair of jeans
yes JEANS
i dont wear jeans but i found a pair reduced from £42 to £4....woah
and theyre charcoal and really baggy and loose like you cant see my legs in em XD
they will look good with a top and converse and for £4 you cant go wrong
i'll give em a go
hopefully i might tolerate them
then we went for lunch we shared a sausage panini and a piece of toffee cake
we came home and put the girls out then went food shopping
i came back and started sewing
got my two purples done i had laid out last night
so that makes my total to 11!
think pinks will be next
i went over to tara's
it was good to see her
her garden looks so good now her and james has finished it
i talked about all sorts with them
we're planning on meeting up and bringing jack along too
i got to my car and realised i had a flat tire....
never in my 10 years of driving have i had a flat tire before D:
i thought my car felt a bit weird driving there
i knocked on their door and said i had a flat
i dont think id finished the sentence before james was out the door
he loves tinkering with cars and worked in a garage for years
so he took my spare and kindly changed it for me *0*
such a gentlemen
im very grateful
im also grateful that of all places to have a flat it was outside james's house XD
i got home and told my dad he was ok with it
i was anxious about telling him
i got in pajamas and made a salad
then did my diary
so not been home much today really
gonna lay out my pink fabric for tomorrow tonight
and do that in the morning
2/3 fabrics have come of cushion fabrics so i can start of them soon
tomorrow morning im taking mum to the doctors at 9am for an injection in her foot
in makes he unable to be on her feet aaaaaaaallllllllll day so i will be home being her legs for her
ive told her shes only allowed up to use the toilet
i will do everything for her
so im sewing and looking after her
also means no yoga but that suits me as it gives me time to work on my sleep
as i never sleep well on a yoga night
wish me luck for tonight
please be a repeat performance!
Evening~
Really didn't sleep well last night
woke up at 1:30am and fell back to sleep after a lot of tossing and turning
then woke up at 3:30am dreaming of being in pain
I got up and stayed up til 5:30am I went back to bed for a couple of hours
i felt like death when I woke up
This morning
I danced for 50 mins~
working on different dances and I got one recorded too!
not sure what i will record next as some dances ive been doing have copyright infringement :/
i'll learn something i can share
not sure how long im gonna keep sharing dances for really
im not sure when im gonna find the time to record when i start working full time, its not only finding time but finding time when im home alone too :/ might be the end of my youtube dancing days
who knows
after showering i checked if i had fabric for the back of the 4 cushions jack and theo want
and sadly i was a bit short
so i hit the shops and luckily found what i wanted
then i came home and sewed til 1pm
fell asleep on my healing ear for an hour
it still hurts now and is red -___-
hate falling asleep on it cus it really hurts and feels bruised when i do ><
I got up and sewed some more
and over the course of the day I did get my 6 done
making it a total of 9 out of 24 completed~
looking good huh
at 4:30pm I had my first hypnotherapy session
god i felt sick i was so damn nervous
im not sure why i was so nervous cus really it was relaxing
weird
but relaxing
its like someone talking at you but if you tried to recall the sentence theyve just said you physically cant as its gone to your subconscious not your conscious
it got Eko's back up a bit at the start then she soon relaxed
which the therapist said it proves shes in my conscious not subconscious and therefore a part of me, a part i think the therapist wants to have ago 'curing'
i felt quite relaxed afterwards
and she said i SHOULD sleep tonight
fingers crossed
she said most tend to sleep after it
then it should improve from then
i came back and finished my patchwork and had dinner
designed my nails
ahhhhh just havent stopped!
jack's pokemon fabric came
but im waiting til everything is here before i sit and make the cushions as it will just be easier that way i think
i want to do them tho ^^
tonight im doing my nails
i might go for a walk after ive done my diary its 8pm and so nice out
tomorrow im gonna go out for the day with mum
and probably do some sewing
Otsukararesama deshita~~
I slept pretty well last night
I went to bed with everyone like I have been doing at 11pm
didnt take me long to get off and I woke up at 4am
and by all accounts that is pretty damn good for me
i did manage to stay in my bed all night too and fall asleep
i could tell i was struggling as i could feel myself tossing in my sleep
but i woke up at 6:30am and got up at 6:50am when dad did
had enough at that point
by 7:30am i was doing patchwork~~
i wanted to make a good dent in it this morning
I broke off at 9am to do 40 mins of dancing then had a shower
by 11am i had made two more patchwork blocks
so that makes 3/24 so far!
I got ready for school
school i did a bit of washing up
i mixed an acid that can blind you and i actually did it whilst breathing!
i wasnt too tense ether so i was pleased with that
then jack sent me on the run of getting alan and rebeccas leaving card signed
as he had printed out that morning and they look good
i had so many compliments about them too
3 members of staff said i was wasted as a technician there XD
but i said "art doesnt pay the bills, science is just my day job"
then it was pretty much home time
i did have another member of staff think i was only 21 years old -____-
will i ever look my age? XD
i came home and actually didnt need to fall asleep
i got ready to see tara then she sent me a txt saying work had kept her
and could we do wednesday instead
i was kinda relieved in one sense as my stomach didnt feel right
i sat and did a bit of patchwork and laid out some to sew tomorrow
im a bit mentally wound up tonight so im trying to chill out and distract myself
im wound up about the night
and the fact that at 4:30pm tomorrow i will have my first hypnosis session...
im anxious as hell about it
just cus i dont know what to expect really
but we shall see
tomorrow i will dance, patchwork, maybe shop for fabrics i need to see what i have in, and go hypnotherapy.
Evening~~
So yesterday I got up at like 7:30am
couldnt face the day and was back in bed for 8:15am
didnt wake up til 9:30am
just couldnt face it
id had enough of being shattered
I did some dancing then went for a shower
I went with mum to go drop Karen's birthday present off
she wasnt in but we left it by her porch
mum said i seemed off
i was just in my own world
stuff gets to me more i think when im tired
and all i wanted to do was spend the day wrapped up in my own world
but i knew i was seeing jack
i thought id be seeing jack round lunch but he was catching up on sleep himself
he kept falling asleep and wasnt getting out of his bed basically
so i didnt see him til nearly 2pm!
We went round the shops and had a white hot chocolate
which was nice and he treated me to it too
we spoke about alan and rebecca leaving at work and jack mentioned that he wished he'd asked me weeks ago to design them a card each and i said that i meant to say to him last week did he want me to draw them a card. so i decided id draw them a leaving card each. he worried it was too short notice and a lot of work. i asked him if he was doubting my skills
i picked up some nail varnish
jack brought cheap pokemon cards and dominos
we got back to his and we played a game of pokemon cards
to say ive had mine since i was 10 years old, i havent actually played a game with them...
shameful really
so he explained it to me as he had the rules on his lap
i didnt win which i wasnt shocked about
he excels at games and tactics
its just the way his mind works
i found it amusing watching him tho
i can see his little mind working XD
we played dominos and i lost at that too >.>
i gave up at that point theres just no point in playing against him
unless of course its a physical game then of course i tend to win XD
we sat and talked and stuff
and i knew home time was looming for me
he said to me "you know youve seemed kinda off all day today, if theres something up you can tell me you know"
i said "Im fine i think im just tired"
i could tell he didnt believe me and it wasnt the first time he had broached the subject that day but i didnt want to talk about it, not only cus i dont want to talk about but because i felt like i would get a bit upset if i did unload what was going off.
in the end i could tell it was bothering him and as hard as it was i told him
cus he said "i cant help and i cant understand unless you tell me"
i said "its nothing anyone can help with"
its just so damn hard letting someone into my life letting someone know what goes off in my head, my world, my body. i keep it all from everyone to appear 'normal' to others. its how i am. so i find it really hard to let others in
so i said "im tired, i dont want to go home, im fed up of not sleeping, of waking up feeling so sick cus im in so much pain, of being so tired i cant think, taking so much pain relief that i cant think, i cant eat work without getting stomach ache, i dont want to eat half the time"
he said "right sit up (as i was laying down on the sofa) do you sleep better at mine?"
i said "yeah i seem to as it does me good to get away from my bed"
he said "ok well youre staying here tonight then, we can eat cake and watch anime."
i kinda just looked at him i think it still surprises me and is still a lot to understand that someone, well, cares basically even tho they havent known me long
he said "of course its all optional, that did sound forceful" XD
i said "no no i can stay i just dont like relying on you, relying on staying over here all the time"
he said "what use am i as a boyfriend if you cant rely on me? you cant do everything on your own Jo its important to let others help"
i know i know -________- just easier said than done
and id lost a few tears at this point
so i went home and grabbed my stuff and had a quick bite to eat and saw Oz
then went over to jack's at 9pm he asked me to bring my laptop and drawing stuff
he was home alone
we sat and talked
he told me ive been invited for a 60th birthday party of his aunt's at the end of the month which i could he thought was gonna scare me. it didnt. im happy to go my only trouble is is that its in birmingham and im not keen on driving to birmingham so i dont know how id get there :/
i told him that. i said if i cant get there i wont go basically but for him to have fun without me
i did some drawing til about 11:15pm
then we got ready for bed
i got no kisses at all tho as he thinks he has a bit of a cold
think we fell asleep around midnight
next thing i knew i was waking up to the morning -- odd
jack was awake he said morning and that it was 9am
i had slept through for 9 hours
I HAD SLEPT THROUGH.....
9 hours....
no pain killers
no sleeping tablets
i felt sooooooo much better and if im honest i had forgotten how it felt to sleep through and that feeling of a good nights sleep
ive slept 3 times through the night since november and that was due to being dosed out my head on pain killers and sleeping tablets so when i woke in the morning id feel like a zombie from the drugs
so natural sleep just felt amazing
jack said i looked better
guess i must have done as it was like first thing he said
i dreamed
i actually dreamed
i havent been dreaming as i havent been sleeping long enough of deep enough
i was dreaming of fighting zombie pirates
it was good actually
jack said i was talking in my sleep cus he thought i was awake
just shows how much i was into my dream
he said every time he woke up he saw i was still asleep he said it was weird seeing me sleeping so well
we got up and had breakfast and stuff
then we went and got 4 cushions as jack and theo want cushions made for their living room
and now i know what they want i can actually create!
we did his food shopping
then i pretty much sat and drew all sodding day
he played pokemon
it made a change
and he found it interesting watching me draw as he has never seen me at work before or the software i use. i let him have ago on my tablet and he found it weird which everyone does at first
but after many hours i got it finished and emailed to jack's work email address so he can print out the cards and get them signed
here's rebecca's
and alan's
not bad really and i know they will appreciate them
the whole of the science teacher staff will see my art work ><
jack was impressed and grateful
but im grateful to alan and rebecca for all their help
i left and came home
made myself a salad
then i went for a walk
had a shower
and did my diary now im gonna sit with Oz and go bed
i actually dont feel half dead
its weird i feel quite well
if i could sleep like that every night i could live a semi-normal life i think
see what comes of hypnotherapy which is looming
i go on tuesday...
tomorrow i plan on dancing in the morning
maybe ironing some patchwork
then school~
