Sick of nightmares

Evening

I keep having nightmares
so sick of it i really am as it keeps me awake
and you should have seen my bed this morning
even the bottom sheet had come away! 
just how much was i moving in my sleep!?
at least im burning calories in my sleep i guess
my nightmare was that this child/doll/thing was after me
i threw it against a wall and it landed at a dodgy angle
but still got up...
then came at me with knives 
we faught, there was blood
then it starting cutting it's self i asked it to stop then i had to watch as knives slowly seeped out of it skin blood oozing from the cuts
yeah my mind is warped to say the least
i mean where does that even come from?
i dont watch horror or even like blood related stuff
yet i dream gruesome things
and theyres really graphic too
ive been up since 4am
again...
im so tired
what with work and hayfever i am shattered
my eyes look like ive been punched as im tired and have literally rubbed the skin away from my eyes theyve been so itchy from hayfever

anyway today
school was fine
i kept busy and was helping both julia and jack
i made oxygen for julia i was rather proud of myself considering ive only done it twice and both times i watched and guided by jack and he wasnt even there to supervise this time
i got loads done
i hardly ate but still had bad stomach ache
just not fair

i came home in the pouring rain
sick of rain damn it
mum gave me millie to sit with
she took her as i about fell asleep with her and then fell asleep for an hour
i was done in
i couldnt be bothered to talk or listen i just needed tune out time

i havent done anything since then if im honest
just zoning out then getting stuff ready for tomorrow
i knew id find it hard to adjust to working full time
and what with not sleeping, eating and having hay fever
im struggling to keep up!

my leg hurts so much i have a bit of a limp
it is painful and out of place
i even drove home left footed which was an odd experience because driving was pulling my knee. but tomorrow i am going chiropractor and hopefully all will be well after the agonising placing of my knee joint. i hate hyper mobility 
im just cursed 
i cant even think about having it put back in
truly a necessary evil

tomorrow just school and chiropractor really
mum said she might come chiropractor with me which would be nice

god i hope i sleep tonight -____-

6.5mm of rain

Evening

I had a total repeat of yesterday
waking up at 1am
then laying awake from 4am
the rain did not and has not stopped since yesterday
and the direction of the wind was towards my bedroom
therefor splatting rain up my window all sodding night
i could not sleep
im shattered
im dark under my eyes T^T

school was fine
i got all my stuff done
plus a load of jack's as well
i'll be good at physics soon at this rate XD
but he has so much to do so im trying to help
and he totally appreciates it ^^
i ate a banana at lunch but felt like bringing it up so i didnt eat anymore
i listened to all the teacher complain about it being parents evening XD

i got to leave early as i worked extra on friday
as soon as  i got home i had a yogurt, apple and cereal
i was so hungry and felt shaky
i could not be arsed to go to hypnotherapy but of course i went
it was fine and i struggled to come round i think cus i was so tired!

i got home and got changed into my pajamas
and had dinner and sat with Oz as hes not been out all day
well i sat and had a brew with him before work but he hasnt been able to play outside
it literally has not stopped i cant believe how much we've had
i think we have had 6.5mm of rain today it said
which i dont think sounds a lot
my poor brother had to come home during his shift to get changed
as his water proofs were over powered i think
he was cold and wet through
its dark too it feels like autumn

im so tired, dying of hayfever
and everything feels like an effort
so im gonna get my stuff sorted for tomorrow 
have a hot choc with Oz and have an early night i think

just another school day tomorrow

Cookie Nails

Konbanwa~~

I didnt sleep well
woke up at 1am but luckily got back off to sleep
then i woke up at 4am and was pretty much awake from then
id had a nightmare
watching helplessly tourists going into the creepiest forest ever
to watch as the roots of the trees latch on to them and drain the blood from them
the screams, and empty bodies
was disturbing
and i was doing my best to get to the entrance to warn people not to enter 
but how ever hard i tried i simply couldnt find a way in and had to keep enduring the image
so yeah safe to say i didnt want to fall asleep again for a while

i got up showered and got ready
it was a chilly morning but it wasnt raining 
Oz couldnt be arsed to go out so i sat on the sofa having my morning brew with him
then went to work

work was alright actually
the day certainly passed
i dont think i stopped
and we were all almost half hour late for our lunch
i didnt want to eat but my body was shaking so i knew i HAD to eat
and i ate all the food i had on me
i didnt get stomach pains but i did feel like bringing it up

i got all my stuff done and some of jacks
i had a teacher quiz me on my relationship with jack
i knew she knew but she's never brought it up
so it was nice to talk to her
and from her i found out that another teacher knows about us....
we told jack and he pulled the same face i did XD

i rained allllllll afternoon and all evening
hasnt stopped and suppose to be like this all week too
i got home in the rain
sat with Oz who hasnt been arsed to go out today

i did half hour of yoga
went on my laptop
sat and read and that was it really
quite done in to be honest
but hopefully tomorrow will be less tiring
i have hypnotherapy tomorrow where she will be working on my pain
i dont think my pain has been any different from last week really
so im keen for it to work this week

my cookie nails from last night
theyre ok i guess

might play some digimon tonight 

Started Digimon Champions

Evening~~

I didn't sleep great
I ended up getting up for a bit
I did start digimon at 4am tho
it is a weird game its like theyre pets and you have to catch them
i havent played anything like it
hopefully i wont get bored of it

this morning i cleaned my bedroom as it needed doing from
all the fibres the quilt had made 
so it looked better for doing that
then i cleaned the interior of my car
glad i didnt bother washing it as it only poured down again
it thundered and lighting too actually

i played digimon, read some more of my book, then when everyone
had gone out i did 45mins of dancing
i was sweating and it was hard to breathe 
my throat feels raw today for some reason

i want to paint my nails tonight
im gonna do cookies
i did my nails thursday night and by friday after work they were so chipped! D:

been drawing for the last hour just cus i needed another thing to do whilst sitting down
trying to rest today
which is what jack did too from sounds of things 

think tara gets back off her holiday tomorrow
so maybe i can see her soon

tomorrow i have work as per usual
should be an alright day really i hope
just lunch times are my worst at the moment
im hoping it will get better
im gonna take my ipod and listen to that whilst eating as jack suggested it

here's how far i am with my science picture

Bear Paw Quilt

Evening~~

I finished my first week at school!
such an achievement to me!

Friday went alright
Jack was late as he caught the wrong tram i think he was half asleep
so he was 15mins late
which gave me time to plant my little prank
i had written on an empty envelope 
'made you look, made you stare, made you lose your underwear'
and on the reverse side
'10 points to Jo'
such satisfaction
i put it in the 'science technicians' tray in the staff room
as hes the only one to check it
he came in and said "that was unfair Jo, damn you"
ahhhh what a great way to start the working day

a teacher said to me they were doing a forensics year 7 lesson
and was on play ground duty and couldnt set the room how she wanted it
so i offered
i had to find a toy monkey with a screw in it's head
draw a chalk outline round him
stick 'crime scene' tape across the classroom door
i said to the teacher "can i do blood too?"
she said "that will annoy jack wont it...yeah go for it"
so i got paint from the art department
and jack was like "what you doing with that?"
i said "doing blood on a lab floor"
he about blew up saying no and all that
i know how to stress him out XD
i still did it
looked good and the teacher approved 

also i spoke to head of biology and she said they used to have a class hamster...
she stopped having them as it fell on her shoulders to always have the hamster during holiday periods so i said id be thrilled to have a hammy and id look after it
jack was instantly stressed XD
im so gonna win this!
she said "come see me in september and we will discuss it more, i still have the cage and ball and everything"
that would make my year being able to look after a hammy!!!
love my job XD

i ate my dinner inside as it was pouring down
and i couldnt be bothered with it
but i had awful stomach ache
i had forgot my ipod too

i ended up staying 15mins later with jack as i didnt finish with julia til late
but i can finish 15mins early one day next week
so i will do that on a hypnotherapy day
i brought us to my house in the pouring rain 
got my stuff and saw Oz and went to jacks
i was tired from work
he made dinner, we sat round watching comedies and in the end i went to bed
i told he can stay up with theo but i was tired
he came to bed with me  

in the morning we had breakfast
i ached so bad
so i had a hot bath and felt a bit better
i think the week had literally caught up with me
we went looking for pokemon heartgold but didnt have any luck
then we came back to the flat
watching anime
we ate donuts and a cheese and bean wrap
so many anorexic thoughts
theo came in and we joked about i almost fell asleep
and decided to go home i was tired

came home and sorted stuff out
i had got my digimon game in the post and my converse
both of which are in like brand new condition 
so im well happy
im yet to try the shoes on and play the game

not bothering with dinner tonight
cant face more food

its new Killing Eve tonight
cant wait to see it!

tomorrow not sure what im doing as of yet

here's my new quilt its ok but by far not my best

theo and jack love it tho
they want it to stay on the sofa >< 
im glad its getting use i guess

Almost through my first full week!

Evening~~

I slept well
I drank some of that tea that gives you dreams before bed
i dreamed i was a wolf
seems to be a common dream for me some how
perhaps i was one in a former life
i keep waking before my alarm
almost like im worried it will fail to go off on me

anyway school
school was fine really same old
i had a bit of time with jack today which was nice
i also explained to julia my mentalness
and jack made me go sit in the car after trying to suggest we all go eat outside
but i felt that was drawing too much attention to myself
i came in and complained about eating alone
as it does suck
jack suggested i bring my ipod in tomorrow and sit inside and zone off to that
he knows music helps me 
so im gonna give that ago
i just hope julia understands and doesnt think im being rude
im finding it hard to eat tho 
a lot of anorexic thoughts at lunch

i got to repot a shed load of plants today
and some were so small and cute 
jack is taking one for his flat
what he doesnt realise is that ive stuck a sticker on it saying "spike"
as i named it, ive faced it away so he cant see the sticker til he picks it up XD

i came home
couldnt be bothered to talk
i was too damn tired
i just ate loads
god i ate so much but i only managed a banana at lunch

went to yoga
and karen was a right beast honestly that woman will be the death of me one day
all i could think was "i volunteered to come here"
i came back and ate more XD
i feel so bad for eating tho
its all the wrong foods too!

i ordered a digimon game on DS back from 2008 to have ago with
as i wanted a new game to play and im struggling to get into pokemon ultra moon
its just boring 
i got a tshirt in the post its so cool
and i got some face stuff too
a different face oil to try from korea its just a variation of one ive had before and i brought a face base with SPF50 in it so i protect my face this summer

tomorrow i have school
we finish earlier on a friday
i have a fair bit to do tho
i think jack is coming home with me and im staying at his tomorrow night

doing my nails tonight~
i am tired tho
im wearing out
my knee is still not right 
i can see a visit to chiropractor coming up

New Avatar

Evening~~

So yesterday I had my second day of full time work
I didnt sleep that well
I had some awful nightmares
like where does some of that stuff come from 0.0
i dreamed i could hear cats meowing and i found  hung up in a shed
swinging by rope tied round their necks they each had only 3 legs down to the knee and had been blinded but could still meow for help
disturbing on so many levels
where does that come from?
I dont read or watch or play anything gross or horror related
maybe im just warped

anyway school
it was a good day
i managed everything
it was very dull doing a chemical stock take we are not even half way through -___-
some chemicals and bottles were older than me 
i got all my prepping done as well as well as some of jack's cus hes still helping julia out
we did get 5 mins alone to have a chat in the staffroom
he asked if i would come over that night and have dinner with him
i said i could but had hypnotherapy and to maybe sleep over

i came home and went near enough straight back out
as i had hypnotherapy 
she focused on self esteem and mental pain
i literally remembered none of it, if she had told me i had fell asleep on her couch i would have well believed her but obviously not the case. she said the more sessions you have the easier and deeper you go into it all
she suggested that as im struggling to eat at work to take work away from eating. so she suggested to eat my lunch in my car and to park facing away from the school
i came home and saw my Oz whilst i got my stuff ready for jack's
i grabbed a quick shower and i went at 7pm
one of those days you just do not stop

he was happy to have me over and so was theo
we were making sick jokes and it made me laugh
i was glad i had made the effort to come out instead of being tired round the house
jack cooked me pasta it was good actually even if he was getting distracted by pokemon go whilst cooking >.>
i slept really well too i couldnt believe it was morning

i got up at 6:20am
got myself practically ready and came into the bedroom to find jack where i left him -___-
i know he doesnt do mornings
he made me breakfast and i made him a brew which he was grateful for
then we went to work together
its a lot quicker to work from his place than mine

work was fine
ive even prepped stuff for friday
prepped some stuff for jack too
he was like "you're making me look bad" XD
he was like "go do this"
"done it"
"go do that"
"done it"
"bloody hell jo"
I said "when i get good at something im good"
it was quite satisfying him trying to give me a job and id already done it
thats using initiative for ya 
i did loads today
i found a mouldy lasagne someone had made in the fridge
ive cleaned all the sides in the prep room
im gonna do the office next
so i am slowly getting round it all
and people have said how good it looks lately ^^

lunch time came and i cant say i was fussed about eating
but i had had a headache the whole of yesterday and i think that was down to not eating
and i knew i would have to try it just so i could the hypnotherapist id tried it
but i felt bad leaving jack alone with julia
also i didnt want to look rude
but jack said - in front of julia - you going out for lunch today then jo *hint hint go eat your lunch in your car jo*
damn him >.>
so i went and did that
i came back and had bad anorexic thoughts cus id eaten lunch and thought i was like 20 stone for doing so i only got a bit of stomach ache so i guess on some level it did relax me and i was able to eat. but this leaves me with a lil problem
im gonna have to go eat by myself for a few lunch times now :/
and jack obviously knows my issues and is fine
julia does not
and avoiding her on our only break together could look rude
and id be leaving the two of them together but they seem to get alone fine
so i think tomorrow im just gonna have a little word to her about me and what i need to do for a little while just so she doesnt get the wrong idea about me
we gotta work together as a team at the end of the day and i dont want it to look like i have an issue with her or with jack.
dont wanna look a jerk basically

i came home and got my Ozwald out straight away
id missed him
he'd missed me~
so cuddles and brew was needed and a bit of food as i didnt eat much at lunch
i wanted to dance but dad was home :/
so i packed my stuff away from jack's
looked at a few things online but soon got bored of being on my laptop
so i had a shower and dinner
then my brother and dad went out (not together)
so i decided to dance and do some yoga for an hour
felt better for it 
now just doing my diary and getting stuff ready for 6:15am tomorrow
got yoga tomorrow as well

i finished my new avatar the other day

its cute
and i used it as a banner for facebook as i dont think ive changed mine since i got facebook back in 2014 so that looks fresher