Evening~~~
Yesterday I was early for work
so I waited at the tram stop for Jack
we walked into the school grounds together and i moved a thorn bush out
my way with my bare hand
he pulled such a face
I said "whats up?"
he said "it had thorns on it!"
i said "yeah and?"
he said "what if it had hurt your hand?"
i said "its only a thorn bush and look im fine, you worry too much"
he said "what if you had cut your hand, saw blood and passed out outside the school gates"
i said "does your mind actually leap to that kinda thing?"
he seems to ask me a lot "do you not think or just not care what happens to you?"
bit of both I guess XD
nice having him look out for me tho
my day went well
it was probably the first day in a while i didnt actually feel faint!
i got through the day alright
the head of biology asked if i wanted company with going to fetch maggots
i said "no no im fine honest"
she was like "i dont mind"
jack said "yeah you two go together it will be good"
damn you jack for volunteering me like that >.>
ive never had a teacher in my car before XD
after school
i went food shopping with jack as we needed food for dinner
and also stuff for work like 40 oranges
and 40 oranges weighs a lot so i suggested to jack get them whilst i was driving instead of him carrying them on tram
then we went to his and i just relaxed in his pajamas
helped make dinner
then lazed
then he and theo wanted to watch some trashy program called "love island"
i went to bed
he crawled up to me an hour later
i woke up in the night, had the rape dream
not had it for a few weeks
it had a different spin on it this time,, really psychotically weird
i woke up panting and sweaty
jack asked if i was alright, i told him id had the rape dream
and he held me
it was a little strange having rape dream and waking up next to someone and hearing all the noises in his apartment i was struggling not scream to make it all go away
but i just listened to his heart beat and after a long while fell asleep
i woke up at 6am and had a shower
leaving jack half dead in bed as per usual
but getting ready together is nice i guess for school for a change
as we both dont have company in the morning as we're just up too early compared to those we live with
got to school and he was busy prepping stuff as he was leaving at 12:15pm to have the internet installed at his flat after waiting 3 months without it
yeah he and theo were well missing internet
mid morning i had to go out and get maggots...
i went with the teacher and it was fine
the shop stunk
my god i had no idea fishermen shops stunk that bad
and the guy got half a pint of maggots for us
just seeing them wriggle made my stomach flip
but after i looked at them for a few seconds i kinda got used to it i guess
we got back to school just in time for me to say bye to jack
leaving me in charge of the ship
whilst no one was looking i took a photo of the maggots
my job is pretty gross at times
i was sure to send this to my brother
he responded with "eat one"
i had a heart dissection to contend with but only 4 hearts were used
i went to see the art department for paper to paint on
i spoke to the art teacher for a while
she said i was welcome to come during year 7 art club at lunch tomorrow
so im gonna quietly slope off to that without anyone noticing hopefully!
i did some display work
i hope to do a before and after
cus my god the display work is seriously crap
chemistry want a lot of display work doing
my god so much work!
but its creative so im not complaining
i was ready to leave
cus it was sooooo hot and humid
i had sweated buckets
i got home and showered, again
i havent heard much from jack since hes been reunited with internet XD
i said "try not to watch too much porn"
he said "ill try not leave myself too drained"
so sick XD we have a sick sense of humour
and im not sure why i laugh at what he says as most girls would be repulsed
he finds it great i have such a weird and gross sense of humour
certainly not like other girls
i fell asleep for an hour
had dinner
and then saw my pets
mum wants to take millie vets as her skin is a bit dry and shes got two patches of fur missing which is odd and we hope molly hasnt pulled it out
ive had to order another hair dye tonight
as despite doing mine permanent, you cant even see it!!!
so ive tried another brand
school tomorrow
and hopefully yoga
suppose to rain tomorrow
im hoping that means it will be cooler and not just unbearably humid
Evening~~
Didn't do my diary yesterday as I didnt go on my laptop!
So yesterday Jack wanted me to see him
even if all we did was laze around he said
so after lunch i went over to his and we just laze around
he asked me if i was worried about the blood test results
i said "no i think i have gone past the stage of caring"
he said "how can you not care? does it not concern you?"
i said "no not really, ive accepted ill never be truly well so whats more health issues"
he worries more than i do
he made me dinner
i didnt want to leave
i felt crap
what i had to go back home to was taking medication i didnt want to take
and a blood test in the morning
im fed up of being sick and unwell
i told him i didnt wanna go home as i have the blood test in the morning
he offered for me to stay over but i knew it wouldnt make a difference
this morning i woke up
knowing what was gonna happen that morning
i felt sick
it felt weird not to getting up at 6am for work tho
blood test
i did so well
i remained conscious but getting up off the sofa thing i kinda went a bit then
but over all it didnt take as long as it has done in the past
so i came home had a sweet tea and biscuits and recovered
then went to work
didnt want to all i wanted to do was sleep
got to work and the first person i saw said "you look knackered"
good start
everyone asked me if i was feeling alright
guess i looked bad
i mean jack did say i looked like death
i felt like it too
a few times i felt like going home
i felt like i couldnt handle the day
i couldnt think straight
i wanted to cry
id had enough basically
but Jo stuck it out
jack kept me going as he knew how annoyed id be at myself if i gave in and went home
he also brought me white choc chip cookies to keep me going
i came home
undressed into pajamas
bed
woke up for dinner and ate that
then got stuff ready for school
and thats my life
work and sleep
tomorrow its school and same old really
Evening
what crappy day
literally
life is unfair
i have no life lately
work + sleep = jo's current life
I tried to dance this morning
i managed 20 mins but i was so done in
my heart felt like it was working over time and i was incredibly hot
i had a shower and was still red in the face
felt ill
once i was dressed i went to bed
and thats where i stayed til 5pm
kid you not
didnt sleep for all that time
but i was just there
and i was suppose to meet alan rebecca liv and jack for food at 6pm
i hadnt heard from jack til 4:30pm when he asked if i was seeing him before food
i said i had been poorly in bed all day and wasnt coming out
jo missed out once again
so ive been quite low
ive slept so much today as i couldnt bare to be awake today
just couldnt cope with it all
wanted to be numb away from it all
i made myself some food at 6:30pm
ate it and did a bit of drawing afterwards simply so i would feel like
i have achieved something with my day
tonight is Killing Eve
looking forward to it
tomorrow Jack wants me to see him
but im unsure
if im feeling rough im not ruining his day
i hope i feel better cus im fed up frankly
Evening
ahhhh im so tired -_____-
i managed school
luckily a load of cakes and chocolates were brought in
so Jo got through the day using sugar
but my day was busy
and i kept expecting to hear jack's voice or expect him to come in
it was weird not having him there
first period i went into lesson to help out with making shells
i cleared up and talked to head of biology about display work
she's given me a shed a load of work which i really want to do
she also told me theyre gonna train me on A-level (aged 16-18) practicals!
i didnt stop and then i had 2 heart dissections to prepare
i went into one heart dissection to help out and that went well
then i had both of them to clear up
other practicals going off
and yeah i just didnt stop
but i didnt feel too bad but i think its cus i was living off adrenaline and sugar
me and julia survived
and the teachers thanked me for the help i provided
everyone said how well i managed with out jack XD
they were like "we dont need him" XD
it was a mad rush at the end of the day i could have used his help but apart from that i managed
i got home
and all i wanted to do was shower
cus my god it was hot and i sweated buckets all day as i was constantly on the go
so a shower was needed
but i realised i had got my pink hair dye in the post!!!
its permanent O:
i have never ever used permanent hair dye as i cant be doing with roots and stuff
but i decided to dye the underneath part of my hair 'pink hazelnut'
so mum kindly did that for me
then i had a shower
my hair looks nice its subtle which is what i was wanting
wonder what everyone will think
since then ive been talking to mum and brother and resting
i am shattered
but have remained awake!
i hope to sleep tonight
gonna paint my nails tonight
tomorrow
in the morning i am dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont care how the hell i am feeling I AM DANCING
i have missed it terribly
during summer holidays i plan to catch up with my recording and uploading
so i need to get back into practising!
then i will take it easy as i am seeing jack then i do believe at 7pm we are meeting up rebecca and alan and possibly liv and alicia and going for a meal out somewhere
so that should be nice
then i will sleep at jack's probably
Evening
I woke up 1 minute before my alarm
beat it~
Got ready for school
as i was leaving the house mum said "i dont want you doing any sports day stuff, theres always next year. be sensible, i know you dont like being sensible" >.>
got to school and saw jack in the car park i said "got literally banned from doing sports day"
he said "yeah, good cus youre not doing it" >.>
school was fine
but by 9:30am i was feeling dizzy and sick so i was on the floor with my feet against the wall
sick of it
so frustrating
jack made me sweet tea
i was able to continue
spent and hour of the morning trying to source maggots...
yup as it falls on jo's shoulders - the biology technician - to source maggots for lesson
jack said "buy some a store them in your fridge over night and bring them into school"
i said "jack i live at home, do you think my parents want maggots in their fridge?"
wasnt happening
so luckily i found somewhere near the school that sells them
so next week i need to leave during school to go buy some and store them in the fridge at work. thank god it worked out for the best
i dont wanna buy them or have anything to do with them
they stink and are gross
i managed to get through the day
it was hard to say the least
i felt rotten after my lunch too
had a text from mum during lunch 'you best not be doing any sports day stuff'
jesus
we had Liv upset so we comforted her
im so gonna miss her she only had 3 weeks left with us :(
i annoyed jack as much as i could seeing as he isnt in tomorrow
i will be in charge of the ship
so i was winding him up about stuff that i will get up to tomorrow XD
i can tell hes not 100% happy about leaving work
but he chose to go to a nerdy technician meet in York
he says hes actually gonna check up on me through Julia >.> the git
doesnt trust me
he says "julia is in charge"
hows he figure that when shes upstairs in chemistry
im downstairs manning physics and biology and everything else
therefor im in charge
should be a fun day XD
i got home
slept
mum woke me for yoga
but i knew i couldnt do it
so she went alone
i went back to sleep
woke up for food, my diary and now im gonna sit with oz and sleep
just got tomorrow to do
Evening~~
Had weird dreams
a horse had died and it's friend - another horse - was protecting it's dead body
i tried to get to it so i could lead the horse away from the dead one
but it was protecting it fiercely
i was chased away
i was then walking in the room bellow the dead horse and i watched a guy walk ahead
and i called out to him to stop walking
as the ceiling gave way
the dead horse came through it and along with a load of green rotting bodily fluids
luckily i wasnt touched but the guy was covered in it
so gross and disturbing
why do i dream of such weird stuff?
i was a bit sweaty when i woke up at 5:45am
i stayed awake and got up 10 mins later
felt dizzy this morning but still went to school
this morning jack was having a meeting with a science equipment rep
leaving me in charge of 6 classrooms by myself for 2 hours >.> the git
he had such a cushy morning
me on the other hand i was actually running between labs and the prep room
i had solutions to make up, things to mix up, things to print off
staff wanting stuff, students wanting stuff
it was endless and i was about dead!
jack came back and we had a cup of tea i needed it
i didnt want my lunch i felt off before i had even looked at it
but julia and jack both told me to eat
i then knew i had the delightful job of draining the blood from the hearts
as they were bagged up and sitting in a puddle of blood
14 hearts
14 puddles
safe to say i needed a lay down afterwards
doing that job when you already feel quite sick and off is not good
a teacher asked me "should you be doing that if youre not feeling good?"
i said "dont have a lot of choice ill get it done"
i had 3 teachers ask me if i was ok so i was starting to think 'perhaps i dont look good?'
jack said i looked like death
he let me lay down
he said "what am i gonna do with you?"
i said "why whats up?"
he said "well most people would say 'im sick im going home' but youre like 'no i wanna work'"
i said "ive missed so much school already i cant miss anymore they will sack me"
he said "they wont sack you. have you thought about going part time?"
i said "Not going part time. im doing this"
but i was getting frustrated laying there as it was 2:30pm and i hadnt even looked at tomorrow's classes
i said to him and the head of science "i dont have a life at the moment, i work, come home, sleep, get woken for food, go back to bed. then repeat"
jack asked if i wanted to come over friday evening but hes not getting home til 8pm
and i wont have energy anyway so i said id probably see him over the weekend
i got all my prepping done for tomorrow with 1 minute to spare
i was done in
and i had the job of disposing the hearts as well
lovely
got home ate food and had a brew
Oz was outside so i left him
then i went to bed
mum woke me for food
after food i worked a bit more on jack's present
got his shading done
i will next work on myself
it will get done
speaking of drawing
a chemistry teacher has asked me to draw the chemistry teachers thats 5 teachers for a wall display so thats a lot of work to be done over summer
tomorrow school then yoga
jesus how am i gonna get through it all
i almost came home today
i hope i can get through tomorrow
Evening~~~
Didn't sleep too bad but was awake before my alarm
must say i wasnt feeling it today but continued on~
Got to school and felt stupidly anxious
Jack asked if everything was ok and I said I was feeling anxious to the point I felt sick, but I said I wasnt even sure what I was anxious about
in the end I got up to distract myself and busied myself with work
i kept feeling a bit off during my shift
i got to go help a teacher give a lesson to year 6 which was nice
it was like being a Teaching Assistant again
and the teacher appreciated my help
and i think i get to help with a year 7 or 8 lesson tomorrow and its heart dissection tomorrow as well i said id go and help with
the head of science who's display i did yesterday said he'd had a lot of good comments about the display ^^
year 9 had exams and a teacher walked in
"ah i dont wanna mark these, I have bottom set to mark"
she picked up a paper "its a good start when the child cant even circle correctly the teacher they have for science, theyve only been taught by them for a whole year"
i laughed and said "good luck with that"
she came back later
"when you think you've seen it all Jo. theres a question in the exam paper 'how does a microwave work?' and the student drew how to cook an instant microwaveable meal...."
i laughed. thats the level we have at school sometimes
Because I felt so off I kinda wondered about the blood test i have booked on monday, originally i thought id be better by then and therefor wouldnt need to go. but im still not feeling that well so im thinking i should go. I asked jack what he thought
he said "you need to go Jo this has gone on long enough dont you think?"
i said "yeah i know but its not til 9:50am and i have to recover AND drive to school it might be like near lunch time by time i get here..."
he said "doesnt matter youre going"
so bossy but hes right and just concerned
i didnt want lunch, shoved it down me and had stomach pains
im so sick of anorexic thoughts as well
its so relentless and i tried to talk to mum about it last night but i could myself tearing up so i stopped i cant describe the sheer hate i have for my body
i cant look at it
i really hate the look and feel of it
so having to eat lunch is a real kick in the teeth
i just about made it through my shift
dont know how i drove home safely
half zombied
got home
pajamas on
went to bed mum woke me for dinner
then i talked with my brother for a bit
did some drawing and got stuff ready for school
that was it
i have no life lately just so tired and dead
tomorrow just another day at school to get through really
did the eyes and started shading but didnt work much on it
too tired and eyes full of hay fever
