Evening
I hardly slept last night at jack's
like seriously no sleep
i was knackered when i got this morning
and man did i have to get up
i killed!!! i ached so badly
so i left jack in bed for another hour and listened to my ipod
upstairs eating candy XD
i came and woke him up after an hour tho cus i was bored
it took ages to motivate jack -___-
honestly that guy does not do mornings
it was warm as well and yeah dont think it helped matters
but we got showered and dressed eventually
i didnt suggested golfing to him as frankly i couldnt be arsed to drive in
the heat and be stood outside with no shade playing mini golf
so we went round the city instead
i got some cream to try and sooth my skin
ive been scratching my skin to death lately
and i have noticed its since i upped the pain killers
so im trying to reverse the damage
jack kept stopping me from scratching
i dont even realise im doing it!
its like a stress thing to
i do it when im in pain or anxious or even in my sleep
i also picked up and antique hand fan! oh my god its soooo fluid
its really ugly but really good and makes the proper sound too
amazing value at £4
i will be using it for dancing
we went back to his flat
and i asked him to show me the game he is always on about
and always always playing
elder scrolls online? i think
it was good to finally see what he was going on about anyway
but no way could i sit and play that
not my thing at all
i came home for dinner and to see Ozwald
i did some drawing of senko-san
not getting anywhere with it ><
jack was creeped out my psychotic kitty picture
said it would give him nightmares XD
it was such a lovely sight to come home and see in my subscription box
that monogatari had released a song i like 'for me' so im well happy to be
listening to that
wonder if i will be learning it soon~
i ache so much
but i am wheening myself of my pain killers
probably too fast but im not telling anyone how fast im ditching them
as i know its wrong but i just want it over with
i will suffer from withdrawal ether way so might as well just get rid
see how i go
tomorrow im at home all day til the evening
going out with the lads which hopefully should be good
Evening
Could not sleeppppp
so annoying when I just can't sleep
the night goes on and on
but here is the picture I spent an hour drawing before bed
psychotic kitty isnt it
cant believe how sodding long it took me
this morning i did some dancing
i managed half hour but i had had enough to be honest
so i went and hit the shower
then i did some sewing really
been sewing a lot today
i did fall asleep cus id had enough of life really
needed a break for it all
i did how ever eventually get the hoodie finished
it gave me the run around a bit as the neck line was tricky but i got there
i will photograph it in better light
yoga was good
did some work on the butt which is gonna hurt tomorrow i think
but good to go anyway
going to jack's tonight
i never sleep well on a yoga night so i figured whilst im off school
i will go stay over after yoga
as i dont wanna stay over friday night as theo has his woman over
and im not listening to their sex noises all night
hopefully me and jack can actually do something during the day tomorrow
maybe the final round of mini golf...
Yo~
Didnt sleep too bad
didnt have to get up or anything at least
I danced for 40 mins this morning
my god i was just dripping and i got fed up of mopping sweat from my face
also i was exhausted so i called it a day with dancing
it was good tho
i think after my shower i fell asleep
just feel so god damn tired last two days
very annoying
i got up and had lunch
then i got my sewing stuff out
did a fair bit of sewing today
the bodice is together
all thats left to do
sew sleeves on
make hood
sew hood on
sew little cogs on
done~~
so not much at all and could probably get it done tomorrow
i went out for a walk with mum and had a brew in a cafe
came back and sewed
and read a manga
as i had done a walk today i didnt feel the need to go for another one tonight
so instead i sat drawing a cat a psychotic cat with a pen
took a sodding hour i had no idea it would take me that long
tomorrow
i plan to dance in the morning then sew really
i have yoga in the evening~
Evening~~~
Yesterday I went to work
did 4 hours
it went ok, I got the displays done in the prep room so its all fresh for september
jack was with me and it didnt feel too bad working
afterwards we went to pain clinic
my god i did not want to be there
my usual therapist called me through and she was with a nurse
i talked about how things were and stuff
and both she and the nurse recommended i ditch my pain tablets
i have exhausted all avenues of medication basically
and they dont want me back on morphine at my age
so they said to cut it out as its obviously doing more harm than good
i went into panic as they were taking away something ive had for 9 years
that 1/3 of my life ive spent taking some sort of pain relief
and they were not going to replace it with anything....
so we talked about weening me off it and stuff as its got to be done gradually
i want to be off my medication but i always figured it would be done
under my terms and when i felt ready, not someone taking it from me
so yeah i have that to go through
also when i go back to work i am not allowed to sleep when i come home....
that is gonna be hard
life is gonna suck so badly
im gonna be at work, tired and in withdrawal
my god how will i get through it
as a way of saying thank you for coming with me
i gave or sent jack a photo of me, hes wanted to see pictures of my past for ages now
so i sent him this one
cus its me with short hair
i got him and theo to guess my age they both joked saying "it was taken last week right?"
i was like "im 18 there!!"
they were like "jo you dont seem to age"
vampire~~
we went back to jack's after that
and theo was there
we all went food shopping
we got pick and mix ^^
in the evening me and jack made a monster of a dinner
it was loaf tin inside was layered bacon, mashed sweet potato, baked beans, cheese
jesus it was good
i didnt sleep that good jack's bed isnt comfortable really
then today pretty much done bugger all
i had a bath, a very hot bath i was a bit pink afterwards and could strongly feel my pulse afterwards so i sat down then i got changed and went to bed
i came home and didnt do a lot i was just tired and drained today
i went for a walk in the evening tho
tomorrow i plan to sew my jacket
i want to work on it
but in the morning i have the house to myself so i plan to dance!
looking forward to it actually
i might start another dance maybe
Evening
I was up til 3 -_____-
could not sleep at all
i had music on and everything
and yeah just sucked
so I got up late
this morning I sat with millie on my knee she was so soft
then i had molly also on my knee
Oz on the sofa with me
he came and licked molly's ear
he loves the guineas
I cut out the jacket on the kitchen floor
makes such a mess cutting up blanket so i have to hoover afterwards
but its done now
i spent a while working on the jacket
i got the sleeves done
and the back i stitched on some clock hands
its looking good
ive got to work on the front panels next then i can begin to sew it up~~
i did 45 mins of dancing and got Monogatari's re:born finished
just need to practice it a fair bit to improve it
i was sweaty afterwards
i think fell asleep today at some point too
in the evening i went for a walk in the woods
ive been doing it now whenever its not raining and not at jacks
think jack wants me to stay over tomorrow but i will see
basically we're both going to school tomorrow from 10:30 - 2:30
at 2:50 I have an appointment not far from school
and its pain clinic
most depressing thing ever
he's on about coming with me but ive told its not necessary and that im fine by myself
and that i wont put him through something so dull
so if i do sleep at his tomorrow it means him coming to my appointment and im
not 100% sure how i feel about that really
but yeah i will see anyway
Evening
Yesterday marked the milestone that me and jack have made it to 6 months
6 months without killing one another!
i hope he sticks around for another 6 month ><
I stayed over at jack's last night
I went over to see him around 3pm
we went to his mum's house for his sister's birthday
we were there til like 8pm when jack decided to fetch my shoes
as his younger sister was getting out family photo albums XD
ahhh ive seen cute little pictures of jack
i like seeing people my age younger as you can tell a 90's child
i like see what toys and clothes they had as i usually had the same XD
so yeah to say he was keen to leave was an understatement
and he now wants to see photos of me as a kid or any photos for that matter
he has seen nothing of my past and i plan on keeping it that way!
we picked up food on the way back and had that when we got to his place
to find theo james and brandon there ready to start the night out
as it was a rainy day we opted out of the suit and dress code thing
later harvey joined us and we played some random german card game of brandons
i didnt find it enjoyable but then i dont enjoy board or card games
we went out and jack brought me a non-alcoholic drink
theo saw me drinking it and took it off me thinking it was alcohol XD
think everyone is a bit scarred from me that night
we had a drink in a bar then headed for a club....
i have never been to a club before and nor do i want to repeat such experiences
it was awful like just awful
so loud and full of people
i coped at first
but after midnight i just couldnt hold it together any longer
i felt mental to say the least
any longer in that place and i think i would have changed as i couldnt hack anymore
jack took me outside for air but it didnt help so we went home
i felt so bad and stupid taking him away from it all even tho i never actually asked to go home
and i said i could go by myself but he said he hates clubs anyhow
on the way home my head was a total mess
i had had enough
every little sound i was alert to and yeah i just wanted to change and not feel or think
jack made me look at him and told me i could do it and get home as myself
and i did
we pretty much went to bed after we got home
i was shattered
in the morning as usual it takes some time to motivate jack
but good job i did as we had to go meet his dad and his family
we met up and went to a chinese
im not particularly fond of chinese but managed a bit to eat
it was his dad, step mum, 17 year old step sister and 8 year old half brother
half brother didnt have an issue with and his step sister was kinda ok
his dad was nice actually
but im guessing his step mum didnt like me as she never once spoke to me
and when i looked at her she looked away
ive shown my face now and proved to his dad that jack is not gay
and i pretty much am not in a rush to spend time with them again
definitely prefer his mum's side which he does too
we came away and i went home
id had enough of noise, people.
i just needed time alone
in the end i went to sleep
id had enough
i pleased ozwald before i went to sleep bless him he was happy to see me
mum has bathed the pigs so theyre soft too
cus my god they stunk like farm yard pigs
i got up and went for a walk
then had a shower and dinner now here doing diary
im gonna sit with oz and go to bed
not sure how i will sleep
i have come to conclusion that upping my pain relief has not helped and that i need to reduce it back to how it was as its messing with my antidepressant far too much
im going pain clinic on monday so i will see what they say
tomorrow id like to start the jacket as i pretty much have all i need :3
Evening~~~~~~~
Didnt sleep too bad
I went straight to bed with the tablet on really
and found it helped I didnt need to get up during the night
In the morning I spoke to mum and basically got off the hook
with going to the hospital as we both think it will be a waste of time
so i rang the hospital and cancelled that
i rang the doctors to see if/when id be due a tetanus booster
turns out ive had 5 during my life time!! i couldnt believe id had that many
3 as a baby, 1 as toddler and 1 at age 15
so the lady said i was covered for life
no injection for me :3
i did some dancing
i didnt get as far as i wanted as it was hard to see the dance at parts
so it takes far longer to work out the moves and how they flow
i need much more practice too
i went for a shower and was at work for 11am
i did some tidying up and some other bits
then i sat and painted
no one was around at all so it was so peaceful just listening to my ipod and painting
i got a fair bit done too
i came home and had lunch this was 3pm
then i went to bed as i just wanted to
i went for a walk after dinner
and that was my day really
tomorrow
i was meeting jack's dad for the first time but its been cancelled
so that is one less thing to do tomorrow which is rather handy
as we have his younger sister's birthday meal
then im dressing up in my black dress for a night out
so should be a nice day and im looking forward to seeing jack too
dont know what time we are meeting up
im gonna dance hopefully in the morning
might do my nails tonight too
