Evening
Didnt sleep too bad
but i had a dream of being in a bad area and running away with a guy with a big gun....
wasnt pleasant
i started my day with my new cereal and new milk
i had a handful of cereal which turned out to be enough
the milk was fine tho just watery
the cereal was good, nothing like ive had before so i cant compare it to normal cereal
as its like a totally different meal
but im pleased with it and it didnt give me stomach pains
i told jack and he says he has enough to do another batch so he will show me how to do it
this morning i helped mum bath the pigs as my god they smelt
truffle and tillie havent had a bath before
molly has had 1 previous bath with us
truffs went first and wasnt too bad but she'd soon had enough
tillie freaked even before touching the water
molly complained and kicked about
but they were done
and now all soft and cuddly and smell loads better
i finished mia's card which didnt take much doing
im actually pleased with it for a change!
whilst the pig were still drying in the hall i walked to the shops with mum
with my pyjama top on, joggers and a coat
full slob XD
but such freedom!
we came home and had lunch
and i was determined not to fall asleep!
i cut the chicken up ready for tomorrow
as theres only 4 of us we have a whole chicken instead of turkey
as we'd end up eating turkey for days...
mum cooked it today as it was only in date today
then she made the sponge cake tomorrow so she doesnt have to do it tomorrow
i licked the bowl ^^
sat with my Ozwald for a brew
he was a bit off with me tho for some reason
i went for a walk with mum
then had a brew
after the brew i attempted to take a photo of the girls
it did not go well...
none of them kept still, we even gave them cucumber
but no just squabbled and walked around
in the end mum did a whistle, they stopped and i took a snap and this is what i got
this was the best picture -____-
it will do
jack gave me a little knitted hat he got and i was gonna use it in the photo shoot
but i will tell you what happened to said hat
its under truffle's foot in the photo....
thats what she thought to it
i changed my bed and sorted out a few bits in my room
my room needs a dust this week :)
i looked at make up online, Jo is always drawn to eye shadows but i dont need anymore...
i started doing a bit of digital drawing but it really does suck
its not neat at all and its crushing my soul
but it should come with practice...
tonight im not staying up late or anything
im just proud of myself not falling asleep today as my god i could have done
then its actually sodding christmas tomorrow 0.0
just be the 4 of us and my brother will go to sleep over at his girlfriends in the even
jack says he might ring. he's stuck at his mums house now til boxing day XD
i know he'd love to see me but im not sure how dead i will be
i hope everyone likes their gifts this year
and it will be good to get the day done and dusted ^^
then i can die quietly somewhere
Evening~
didnt sleep great
got up for a hot chocolate at 12:30
this morning i started working on a birthday card for mia
its almost done it was just drying so i couldnt continue with it
then i decided to do a bit of dancing which ended up
being a 45 minute session
after i sat and ate a apple then showered
went on my laptop and sorted a few bits out on my ipod
made a salad for my lunch
went outside and sat with truffle on my knee
she needs a hair cut
mum has decided this and so have i
but i cant work with mum there
so i did it whilst she was at work
truffle sat so beautifully on my knee and even stretched out!!
she looks and feels so much better and neater too
i think shes even pleased with it
im so glad it went well ^^
drifted off to sleep for 30mins
waiting and waiting for jack to say i could come over
even tho i felt like death
i just knew it was the last present run to do and i could rest once it was done
i set off but if im honest i didnt feel safe driving
it occurred to me half way that i probably wasnt that fit for driving...
i got to jacks he saw the state i was in and said i should have told him
and he could have come to mine but i said he'd been over to me the past few times
he told me that it didnt matter
he wasnt annoyed at me
we went inside and i literally just laid on his bed in his dressing gown
we talked and laughed
and i said i wanted to see the christmas market
i couldnt believe how many shoppers there still was at 5pm tho!
i brought a pulled pork, stuffing and apple sauce cob from the market
which was really really good, jack was having food that evening with his family
but i brought him 5 pigs in blankets from the same stall as i dont like eating alone
we got back to his and i just laid again
trying and hoping not to get stomach pains (i have them now of course)
he said i need to have some of my christmas present now as its in the fridge...
he said that was why it took him so long to get ready this morning, it took longer than he thought to make...
jo is secretly hoping for a cake *0*
we went upstairs and he got out his fridge a mason jar filled with granola
he said "its safe for you to eat, its all things you can eat on the new diet. I mixed all this together with mashed banana and baked it. wasnt too hard. i hope it tastes ok. and here's coconut milk too"
i was really touched
i couldnt believe he'd gone to the trouble of doing this for me
even i havent looked that much at my new diet
he said "i know youre a cereal addict and will find losing cereal the hardest part"
tis true tis true
so yes i can not wait to try it
i havent tried coconut milk ether
but he said if i like it theres more stuff to make it from and he can teach me how to make it in the holidays.
even tho i havent started my new diet yet im gonna eat it tomorrow as it doesnt keep for as long normal cereal
but it will be nice to have something safe to eat in the morning as i havent been bothering with breakfast in all honesty. unless you count a yogurt or apple.
then i left him as he was going to meet his family at a pub at 7:30pm for food
i was really glad i wasnt going
i was dead and he could see that
i could tell he wanted to see me for christmas and said id be welcome over
but i said i havent promised him anything because this is the state im in currently
he understands but it doesnt make me feel any less crap about it all or about myself
i have borrowed Flump for over christmas
i got home
pyjamas and talked with mum
she was impressed with the cereal
santa came on his sleigh on the street being pulled by his usual Volvo
always feels like christmas when i see him do the annual round
gonna sit with Oz now
who will probably love my new cereal as its got everything in it he eats! no lie there!
i might show it him tomorrow
then im going bed as im exhausted
tomorrow i will finish mia's birthday card
and maybe do some art
and bath the girls! the babies havent had a bath yet so theyre gonna be all nice for christmas
and rest
just bloody rest
Evening
didnt sleep too bad
but woke up at 5:30am for a massive wee >.>
annoying as it took me a while to sleep again after that
i cut the girl's claws for the first time with mum this morning
tillie looked like she was in shock XD surprisingly truffle was well behaved
hopefully they will behave when its their first bath too
I finished my wrapping this morning
its up to standard i think
did 30 mins of yoga too
cus i was rather stiff this morning
then i went to bed feeling rotten
got up and showered
and went for a walk
then i had mia's table cloth to do
didnt take too long but its done
went over to mia's at 4:30pm
it was just me and her
and waltie of course
i gave her the bulbasaur plant pot and cactus and she loved it so i was pleased
couldnt leave that in a present bag for a few days it felt wrong
to leave a plant out of the sun even if it a hardy cactus
we sat and talked which was nice
then i came home for foodage
ive managed a decent lunch and dinner today
and not paid too dearly for it ether which has been nice
tomorrow~
im home alone so might work on some dancing if i have the energy
then seeing jack as i have his christmas present to give
his is the last one i have to give out
he says im invited out for food in the evening with his family
but im unsure whether or not to go basically
as ive told him that all id be able to eat would be the soup
whilst they all had full on meals
but he says not to worry as some of the are recovering from colds and stuff
so wont think twice about me being careful what food im eating as they might not eat much too
but yeah its how i feel about it
and also my energy levels
so i guess i will have to see how i feel
also id have to sleep over at jacks probably and i know mum wants to wash the girls for the first time tuesday morning and i said id help. if i stay at jacks that messes that up
i have loads of time to see him in the holidays anyway i guess
see what i feel like doing
in all honesty i dont know if i can be bothered to go out
but i havent shown my face in a while to his family
but i shall see
ive missed out on every other christmas activity this year whats one more XD
Evening
I was up til midnight as i just couldnt sleep really
got up this morning and mum had the girls in the hall
they stress me out XD truffle is running everywhere and molly oinks for more food...
i cleaned Oz out
then i sat looking at this diet i have got to go on
ordered a book on it too
did 45mins of dancing/yoga which was hard but felt good
and had a shower
by this point it was 11am and i realised it had been nearly 24 hours since
i had last eaten so decided i should get some food really
i had a piece of cheese on toast
gave me a bit of stomach ache but not too bad
jack came over after lunch to see me
he'd been out for 3 hours in the morning with theo finishing his
christmas shopping he said everywhere was packed
we werent going out for lunch anymore as his step dad wasnt feeling well
i told him he's welcome to come over but it wont be exciting
because theres no where we can go everywhere is packed and wet
but he came over
we sat and had a brew and talked
then went for a walk before i fell asleep
then watched anime and then i walked him to the bus stop
he was having people over tonight for drinks then going out for drinks
i was invited but there was no way in hell i was going
im shattered anyway
my parents were having take away pizza i was offered it
but couldnt face having it
so had a bit of bread and a yogurt
but its hurt my stomach a bit
feel like its getting worse
and im convinced ive lost weight on my chest and butt
cus everything falls down on me and when i looked at the bra i had on
i wasnt filling it...and im sure i used to.
but i wouldnt know if i have lost weight as i dont weigh myself
it makes me a lil mental to say the least
tomorrow i am sorting this table cover of mia's
wrapping hers and jack's christmas presents and also mia's birthday present whilst im at it
might do some drawing too
its only 8pm and im so tired
body is tired and eyes stinging
go to bed early i think
not sure what i will read in bed tho as i finished reading the book ive been reading for weeks its the first 5 books of Overworld Chronicles which i have enjoyed it was like 1700pages!
theres 18 books total and like £3.80 each :/ so i will find something else to read
Evening
Did not sleep
didnt sleep til 2am
i ached and couldnt sleep
but laying in bed all day and not exercising is literally the worst thing i can do to myself
so it was to be expected
i even got up for a hot chocolate but it made no odds
i was shattered this morning
truly shattered
it was nice not having to have a cold shower tho as i think that would have finished me off
i got to school and waited for jack
he was questioning whether i should be in or not, guess i looked bad XD
i did all the little jobs i needed to do before we broke up
we took the lift at around 11:30am to go to julia's car as she had brought in a load of glass ware from her husbands work place, soooooo many bottles. about £2000 worth...
i got in the lift with jack to go back upstairs
upon getting out the lift i almost fainted....
i know i was asking a lot of my body but i was almost there damn it!
julia saw and her and jack helped me into the print room opposite the lift and i sat in a chair
shaking
i told them id be fine
few mins later the school nurse pops in....ugh
me and her are like BFF i feel XD she sees me so much and not for the right reasons
i told her i was fine i just wasnt doing wel and havent been digesting food properly for 7 weeks now, she asked if i had been doctors i said no. she said i should go for a blood test to see if i am lacking any vitamins and stuff. but hell with that. i aint volunteering myself for that
i got up and walked to the prep room where i sat at my computer and typed up a tech guide
then it was lunch
christmas lunch no less
it wasnt bad actually
and the cake and custard at the end was good but tiny portions >.>
luckily for me chris gave me his pudding ^^ so i was happy
but also incredibly full
and the stomach pain soon encroached upon me
at this point we were going home anyway
i got home and went to bed
got up and still had stomach pains
had a brew with Ozwald
then laid on my bed with stomach pains
its 8:30pm and the pain has kinda gone but feels burny now
mum didnt make me eat dinner i told her i ate so much at lunch i couldnt face more food and more stomach pain
did a bit of dancing
got to the end of onepixcel's final call
i want to do girls dont cry next which doesnt look too bad
tomorrow im gonna dance in the morning
well id like to anyway
not sure how dead i will be
then not sure what i will do
at 2pm im set to have a lunch out with jack's family
not sure yet if im seeing him before or after the meal
see what he wants to do
hes got a night out with the lads in the evening so i know im not staying
he says i can go out with them but hell no on that one
last saturday before christmas.....suicide
but what i will do with the rest of the day remains to be seen
i have mia's table cloth to do and her present to wrap
as im seeing her sunday evening
right im all done with school now til i think its 6th jan
have all that time to literally recover
and start my new no-fun-diet
it is good knowing i can recharge tho
Evening
I was so tired when I got up
it was hard facing another cold shower and cold house
but i got on with it
telling mum i wasnt feeling that good but hoped i could see the day through
got to school
and no one talked about the bowling and meal evening i missed in front of me
head of science said it was sad id missed it but maybe i can go next time
i didnt feel well really
and i know i looked deathly
by 10am i made the decision to go home
i got a bit teary but it was out of frustration
i feel like ive missed out on everything lately and everything is getting taken away from me
i told jack life isnt fair
i felt shaky, dizzy, exhausted and sick
i wasnt good
and i thought when i come to smelling those rats i will be sick
so i went home
i was in my bed at 10:40am
and thats where i stayed til 6pm
i had cheese on toast for lunch other than that i just fell in and out of sleep
getting up at 6:30pm to do dinner for me and mum
as she went to christmas yoga
so that made all 3 of my christmas events gone from me
i had missed them all
dad had a go at me about my diet cus of course his logic is always correct
so i argued that back
cus thats what i felt like doing after spending the day in bed - an argument
but he couldnt care less
asked if i was going school tomorrow
how the hell should i know!!? course id like to bloody go
im going anyway whether i not i make the whole day remains to be seen
jesus
had a shower and plaited my hair
so im not showering in the morning
i get an extra half hour in bed tomorrow cus of not showering
im only at school til like 1pm so i can shower when i get home
having christmas dinner at school tomorrow for free
its christmas jumper day so im borrowing mums as i dont have one
it might drown me a bit tho
but still im going and i want to finish the day
fed up of feeling so crap
not done any exercise today just cus i havent been able to
Konbanwa
couldnt sleep last night
had a lot on my mind
mainly school and rats...
had horrific nightmares about the suffering of guinea pigs
i was so done when i woke up this morning
school was hard work like a real hard slog
i got there and went straight upstairs to julia's prep room
to see my rats
i needed them at 10am it was only 8am but thought id get them out
until i smelt them...
my god they smelt far worse than i thought possible
to say there were in a sealed bag...
i left them in the fume cupboard
started talking to julia who saw me
then my phone went off 3 times it was jack wondering where i was
as it was 8:15am and he hadnt seen me so i came down to him
to report that yes i was in and yes i was on time
he said he wasnt bothered about that he was just worried
the dissection was bloody rank
the smell and everything
i could hear them being hammered and jack shut the prep room door
i put ear phones in as i really didnt want to hear what was happening
they put the bodies in the bag so i didnt have to deal with them
but still had the blood soaked board to clean and the instruments....
just ew
the smell was turning my already sensitive stomach, over and over again
i managed tho for the first class
second lot of dissection was after lunch and i couldnt bring myself to do the boards
the smell....theyre wooden so soak up blood and smell....
jack did them they were only 3 to do
he could see i was finding it all hard
during lunch tho we did secret santa
i got a 365 day art book which seems pretty cool and thoughtful and also white chocolate!
so i was happy
jack got a game of thrones cook book which seemed a lil naff if im honest
especially as he doesnt like game of thrones and he doesnt cook much!
i told him about thrashing myself to pieces last night
and how i wasnt going out with the department that evening
he gave me a hug and said how much it must suck for me and that he wondered if he could do anything. and there isnt. i can rely on him just about during school. i cant rely on him outside of school. so i said it was fine and missing out on stuff it just part of my life
i didnt tell anyone else i was skipping out
i couldnt be doing with that question
"why?"
no one knows, no one understands
i felt so rotten after lunch
i had stomach ache and felt sick and dizzy
jack told me to go home but i didnt want to go home
it got to 3:10pm and he told me to go home but i didnt want to
i said it wasnt fair if i got to go home early
but by 3:40pm i was shaking and everyone came in the prep room
i couldnt think and i had had enough
so i got my stuff and left
it hurt knowing they were all meeting up later and i wasnt
i came home and sat with my piglets and Oz
had a brew, complained to mum about my stomach
and begged her to not make me eat dinner
i told her i couldnt handle anymore that night and sitting with a stomach full of battery acid will finish me off. i went to bed and she didnt wake me for dinner
so she heard my pleas
she doesnt usually let me 'get away' without dinner
but i think she could see how low and fed up i was
jack txted to see if i got home ok and said everyone was better than him at bowling
i told him to have fun
since then i have done 45 mins of yoga
whilst my body shook the entire time with sheer exhaustion
but i have to do something
life is cruel
and id be lying if i didnt say that sometimes i want to jack in my life
ive had enough
im so done im so tired and drained
ive got 1 and a half days left
im hoping i can do this
tomorrow theres 2 more dissections then done for a whole year with rat dissection
i hope i can do it
then christmas yoga to push my body on through
hope i sleep tonight
