Evening
Jo did not get to sleep til 3am...
couldnt switch off
its strange but when i listen to the house there is no noise, maybe the odd sound from my family sleeping but apart from that, no sound. yet in my, the noise. its relentless
so many thoughts and voices
it is going to drive me mad one day
i woke up at 7am and thought "you can forget it" rolled over and woke up at 9am
6 hours sleep isnt too bad
today it was starting out to be a warm day rather quickly
and i felt like going for a walk in the morning rather than afternoon
and i was just about to announce that to mum when she came out and said the same thing!
so we went for a morning walk and walked deep into the woods
it was good actually
then i came back and showered and had a brew
i was hoping for fabric to come in the post
sadly it did not
but what did come in the post was my new camera battery and so far it seems to work fine
so i can actually record dances now without it dying!
i cleaned my room which i meant to do yesterday but totally forgot
so i changed my bed, dusted my room, hoovered up
all tidy ^^
i didnt fall asleep today so im hoping i sleep tonight
i spoke to jack he looked tired
he said he was up til 3am gaming then couldnt sleep and woke up at 12:30
i said it never seems fair that he is up by choice at that time playing with his mates and such whereas i am up at that time simply cus im in pain and or cant turn off mentally and im alone
always always alone at night
he hasnt been doing a great deal with himself
i said i would really really like to see him sunday as its easter so dad is home sunday AND monday and whats more mum is on about getting him to do some DIY, some decorating...thats just asking for it. i cant cope with that - i never can. so i will try and escape to jack's of course the lock down will hopefully be over with but who knows im still tempted to go over as i think i will crack
i struggled to think of ideas for coasters i want to draw and get printed/made
i looked and then i had a random idea
seeing as jack wasnt helping me with any ideas i thought "make em crazy cute"
so im doing some proper loli/moe/kawaii coasters
all girls and all drinking tea
i told him and i think he is ok with it actually
he has no choice XD gonna be sickly cute
i started the outline of the first one - i have 4 to do in total
just need to draw her tea cup in front of her mouth
something i am not used to drawing i have to say so it will be a new challenge for me
i might have a quick run through of the dances im learning right now tonight as its 8:30pm
i will then see my lad who is sulking as i keep kicking him out the shed
i did sit outside with him today and brought him in for a brew
he gets love X3
tomorrow i hope fabric will come to be honest it is said to arrive tomorrow and thursday so we shall see which out of the 4 pieces ordered will actually come!
if not i will continue with my drawing
i am gonna dance in the morning as my family are out
dad working
and mum and brother are going for the weekly food shop
i have to stay home >.>
need a change of scenery so badly
anyway i cant complain as others have it far worse than me
i think id be fine if i wasnt mentally ill
its that which is getting to me right now
cus im stressed and not handling it its making my pain worse
when im suffering the voices become louder
we all wish for normality again
Yo
I took a fair few tablets last night
it took me til 1am to sleep i didnt get up i just laid there i couldnt switch off once again
bit of a pattern to this isnt there
I woke up at 7am but turned over and went back to sleep luckily
but didnt wake up til almost 9am....
Oz has been playing outside today as we have had another nice day
we sat with the girls and i did their claws with mum
my god tillie was so mardy anyone would think i was clipping her paws not claws
jesus XD got to be done my tills
I attempted some dancing this morning but only managed 15 mins
just felt so done in and tired for some reason so i didnt want to push it
i had a shower and played on my switch
fell asleep for 2 hours
then went for a walk with mum
came back and looked for some inspiration to draw
but i looked for ages and nothing really jumped out at me
i dont think i was totally in the mood to draw today
i felt like what ever i would draw would be ether rubbish or meaningless
i did 15 mins of yoga half hearted
nothing has held my interest today really
everything i thought about doing i couldnt be bothered to actually do
i found myself after dinner just listening to my ipod on my bed
just didnt want to do anything
im sure i will be back on form tomorrow
im hoping this time next week i can reunited with jack X3
he texted me at 7pm to ask if we could speak but i had bad stomach ache from eating my dinner so i didnt txt him back cus i wasnt sure when id be finished with dying and i wasnt in the mood to talk ether really. i shall speak with him tomorrow
i told him i have done nothing all day which to this he asked what was wrong as i never do nothing XD
im aching like crazy today which seems really unfai considering how much exercise i actually do do. so im dreading tonight in a way
i had a weird dream last night were i was getting a tattoo, didnt even know what tattoo just that i wanted it on my stomach. the guy was getting the needles ready and i was thinking "i cant have my stomach felt by anyone and when they do i tense like crazy, how am i suppose to get a tattoo there?" so when the guy wasnt looking i ran off, i dreamed this when i turned over at 7am XD
tomorrow
my god i am hoping some fabric comes in the post for me
need something to do!
Konbanwa~~
Took me a while to get to sleep
probably around 1:30pm
but i remained in bed the whole time
I cried a little bit but that was probably to be expected given how low I was feeling
I woke up at 6:45am this morning from coughing....T^T not how I wanted to wake up
so I got up to get a sodding drink
and I thought I may as well stay up now I'm up
so I brought my lad in and I put and anime on tv called Charlotte - never heard of it
watched one episode with Oz and then turned it off as he needed toilet and i went on my switch
i stayed downstairs for a while playing my switch
im enjoying disgaea but i suddenly thought "what will i do when i have finished it!?"
I went upstairs and crawled into bed
i was tired but couldnt sleep i was mainly reading and monging out to be honest
til about 11am anyway
got some lunch, i havent been bothering greatly with breakfast as of late
then i went to the shower and sat epilating my legs XD
first time i have used it this year, i got into epilating last year as mia introduced me to it
but i got impatient with it at times and ended up shaving
and once winter came round i didnt bother that greatly with leg hair - as who sees it!
but the other day i came across my epilator and thought id give it ago
could not believe all the hair i grow XD to be honest its not that im quite lucky as i have light hair there for my hairs arent that noticeable
my brother banged on the bathroom door "what you doing in there? whats that noise?"
i replied "just ripping the hairs out my legs!"
so that entertained me and gave me a different pain to focus on
which lead me think "i see why people self harm" as its a different focus point
not that i think i would but admittedly my thoughts did drift there at midnight last night
anyway
so after my shower and such
i talked to jack on the phone he is missing me and me him
i think he's literally just gaming his life away tho
i recorded a dance! my first one this year!
no one was home and i felt certain i could record it in one go before the battery died XD
i went for an hour long walk i walked to the next town
and back again so it was a good walk
came back and had a brew
worked out what i needed to cut out for the pumpkin cushion and started cutting
but i was having second thoughts on some aspects so in the end i have ordered 3 fat quarters for this damn cushion as i cant decide on background fabric and border fabric -___-
its hard not being able to go and physically see and choose fabric :/
still i suppose i should be grateful i can order online still
i had a look online for disgaea4 as i keep looking out for a good deal on it
and today i found it for sale for £32 new
so i ordered that! i was happy with that
i havent finished 5 yet but i know im half way and im gonna need something afterwards
and in this current state of affairs theres no way i want to be left with nothing to play!
i uploaded my dance
and its been a long time since i checked out my channel
got like 59,900 views in total. bit weird when you think that many people have watched me dance. nothing compared to my original channel. but then i was working during the period i had my original channel so i cracked out 3 dances a week! ah those were the days XD
now i dance more for my own benefit more than my channel
tonight i dont feel like doing a lot but i have been putting off learning new dances for the last few days so i might make a start. I fancy having a go at onepixcel's girls dont cry
tomorrow
seeing as i have come to a total standstill with my sewing due to having to wait for fabric to come through my door, i guess i will have to do some drawing or something instead :/
i shall pass the day one way or another
and pray this is the last week of lock down!
Evening~~
I couldnt sleep
was up til 2:30am
I wanted to go downstairs for a bit but I could hear my brother down there and I wasnt sure whether to join him or not but i managed to drop 4 hours later than what I went to bed at
this morning I cleaned Oz out
I did 50 mins of yoga
then went for a shower
had lunch and went to bed
whilst I was in bed my brother had kindly taken the hutches out the shed
so the pets are outside the back door once more!
Oz was going mad checking out all the areas of the shed XD
he been a busy bunny today, not sure hes that impressed with being kicked out the shed tho
I did some sewing then went for a walk with mum
got back and had a brew outside with mum and Oz
then continued sewing
managed to get all 140 squares sewn together
yesterday it was in squares
day before or so in whole pieces
its looking good, i ordered some fabric at midnight as i forgot
so i ordered baby pink for the border
so i actually cant go any further with it til i get fabric in the post
i decided i would start the pumpkin cushion and whilst i have managed to scrap together enough orange fabric for the pumpkin, i havent been able to find anything that takes my fancy for the background so i ended up buying yet more fabric -____- i already have so much
we were ordering pizza
and whilst i waited jack phoned me
i havent really been in contact with him i have very much been in my own bubble
i find i slip back to my old ways pretty quickly in that i distance myself from others as its less painful. and missing him is painful so if i stay out the way its not as bad but he always wants to call which is right and i know its right its just goes against me trying to protect myself from feeling hurt
my brother is on about if the isolation period is lengthened then he might go live with his girlfriend and her parents. my god id miss him so damn much if he does that
i told jack and he said he'd speak to theo about living with them but i cant its not feasible to do that as i cant look after my health as well there, id get bored as all my hobbies are here and big items to take over and of course there is my baby boy who i feel guilty about leaving just for 1 night never mind weeks! so i cant and it sucks and it hurts and im trying not to feel. i want to be numb as if this continues i will cry as im fed up of it all.
might take a lot of painkillers tonight. sick of not sleeping and being left alone with my thoughts
not healthy
tomorrow i might cut out squares for the pumpkin but i obviously cant finish it as i havent got enough fabric, so everything comes to a halt til i see mr. postman
i have other stuff i could do maybe?
Evening
I was up til 2am as I couldnt get off to sleep
my throat and my breast plate were just burning
I wasnt coughing tho luckily
so after getting up and playing on my switch for a bit i went to bed, read, and fell asleep
today my brother has painted his room
hes done a really good job and done it all himself
no way would i have the energy for that
its like a grey colour not my choice but suits his room :)
i did 20 minutes of dancing
i didnt push it as i was tiring and beginning to cough
my cough hasnt been too bad just when i do cough it really burns and my chest is tight
apart from that im fine, im surprised how little i have actually coughed
i had a shower after dancing
then i made some biscuits using the other half of the coconut milk in the fridge which had gone to a weird consistency but i used it anyway as it had only been open a couple of days
my biscuits tasted rank my god they were gross and i swear it was that coconut milk as everything else was the same as it always is. but yeah gross they went in the bin :( mum tried them and said they were not nice, luckily she had made nutella biscuits so i robbed hers XD
I laid out all my fabric and counted the squares
worked out i needed 140 for this blanket then i counted how many i had done
143....i could not believe my luck! as i hadnt worked out how many i needed and hadnt been keeping a record of how many i was cutting i just cut away as usually i dont cut enough!
so i was well impressed with that
i laid them all out and mum had a look and we decided they were in a good composition so i went with that :)
i had lunch and went to sleep
then i got up and went for a walk with mum
then i began sewing my squares into rows and i have the rows done i just need to sew them together now, but i havent got any fabric for my border :/
so i might order some online
might have to do that tonight :/ i shall see
its annoying the shops not being open!
didnt phone jack today
in all honesty i had nothing much to say
and he didnt ask when he could call so i kinda got away with it quietly
i did however draw this for him
its a picture of Flump (who i have borrowed) and hes perving on me whilst i change
as i have been telling jack that flump has been getting 'a show' and jack has expressed how much he hates that pumpkin XD so i spent half an hour drawing that just to make him laugh really and i think it worked XD he showed it theo also
tomorrow probably work more on the quilt
maybe dance or something
Evening
Took me til 1am to get to sleep but once I had fallen asleep i did sleep through :)
so i wasnt too tired this morning
I ached tho
so I did 45mins of yoga which i felt better for but I still ached :/
After I had showered mia phoned me for half hour it was good to talk to her
she says she might put her name down for a puppy this week
walt is 9 months old but she wants another whippet! she talks so casually about getting another dog like its not much work, having 2 dogs would kill me! so much work!
but its what she wants and im sure she will be happy with another addition
I cut some fabric out
then fell asleep
when i got up i had a brew with Oz and mum
then i went for a walk with her
coughing....i had been trying not to cough all day but the walk did make me cough
mum looked at me like i had got the black plague
she frightened to death of the virus so shes hoping i havent got it
but i dont see how i could have got it
at first today i thought it was just hay fever
but it has gotten worse and it proper burns too
but i think i feel ok
i dont have a thermometer to test myself
im sure i am fine
jack phoned and i talked with him and theo
he was getting concerned at the amount i was coughing but i assured him that i am fine
but he was giving me his usual concerned face
he hasnt been doing a lot from sounds of things
i said as soon as next week is over im coming over no matter what
missing him T^T
never thought id actually miss a guy or need a guy in my life
but here we are
Jo has sunk to a new low XD
i will lay out my squares tomorrow and see how much more i need to cut
it usually ends up depressing me how much more i end up cutting -_____-
id like to dance maybe i guess depends if i do have a sore throat or not
cant dance around coughing
my rib cage aches which is an odd ache to have and i feel like someone is sitting on my chest
we shall see~
i would have had a massage tomorrow T^T missing out big style there
Nigel sent me a txt today to see how i was which was nice of him
im sure i will be fine tomorrow
i hope i sleep tho
Evening
I slept!
For the first time in 2 weeks I actually slept!
My god XD
took me til midnight to actually sleep but I aint complaining
Today my mum and brother went to the shops
and naturally I have to stay home >.>
as much as they hate going out in public right now I envy they get a change of scenery
So I cracked out the tunes and did 30 mins of dancing til I was a sweaty mess
I showered and rang the chemist to see if my medication was ready to collect
turns out it was so i told mum and asked if i could go get them
she said it was ok but i could tell she wasnt 100% happy me going
it felt weird to drive for the first time in 2 weeks
and the roads are dead
i still see police officers everywhere
you were only allowed 2 people in the chemist at one time which was strange but i suppose its the norm everywhere right now
what did surprise me how ever was that the staff didnt have face masks on
i thought they'd be well covered what with dealing with sick people :/
i said my name and a woman id spoke to called to the guy "its the carrier bag on the bottom shelf"....i said "you know its good when you have a carrier bag full" >.> they just laughed
i took my 'goods' and left
i did send jack a photo of my bag and he replied "omfg thats a lot of meds"
i thought 'its actually less than i used to get' but thought id leave that out
then did some patchwork research whilst I was looking through my stash of rabbit fabrics, i didnt realise how many i had gotten over the years
i was basically just throwing fabric to the back of my wardrobe and just left it to grow
i think have almost 20 different fabrics! all with bunnies on X3
I decided in the end to do just squares and its more about the fabrics thats used rather than the patchwork design it's self
so squares it is, but as always with patchwork quilts, I need A LOT
i have cut a few squares out but not loads
went for a walk with mum
sat with Ozwald who is just so damn lazy XD
fell asleep for an hour
i have had a headache for 2 weeks in the same place and its very draining
not only is my pain bad i also have to deal with a headache
its my right side of my forehead it hurts
so i sleep to escape pain for a bit
i didnt want to sleep but i couldnt do much else i dont think
I had a stab at the school logo
sent it to chris see what he thinks
only took me an hour or so
so i wont be heartbroken if he thinks its crap XD
i used the school colours and stuff
so i have done some work today
jack didnt send me any to do anyway
i havent actually talked to him on the phone today
i will do tomorrow tho
we have texted
i told him id like to do a patchwork pumpkin cushion and he says he'd like that as he knows how much i love pumpkins - theyre beautiful *0*
he is happy having any quilt on the sofa too as long as there is something to cuddle under he is fine he says, so bunnies it is X3
tomorrow probably continue with the quilt
i have dances i need to learn but i have just finished one so i suppose i could start another but they are tricky so i have put them off a little bit
i never get any alone time to record but id like to
