Evening
Jo was up til 5am
head was far too busy and noisy
i got up at 4am in the end and played on my switch for an hour
came to bed and could hear the birds doing the morning chorus...good start
theyre waking up and im going to bed
woke up at 8am
I could have turned over and gone back to sleep but I hate wasting the day
but also i knew mum wanted to go for a walk in the morning so i got up for her also
we went for a walk round the usual
glad we didnt do a big walk as i was struggling to breathe due to hayfever
chest was so damn tight
wasnt coughing tho which is good
i came back and did 40 mins of yoga and then had a shower
then spoke to jack
he seemed alright, nether of us have a great deal to say really
but i was cuddling Flump during the whole phone call to annoy jack as he could see Flump XD
then i had some lunch and went to bed for a couple of hours
i was shattered and felt better for it
when i got up i quilted my blanket and got it finished
took it outside for photos, so here it is
backed onto a bunny fleece blanket
jack is pleased with it, its going on our sofa when we move out
then didnt do much else
played on my switch and talked to my brother for a bit
sat with Oz a couple of times, and the girls
put truffs with Oz, she was stressing him out and she kept almost kissing him he growled a few times but was submissive the whole time to her XD no aggression in him what so ever
might do a bit more of my picture then sit with Oz
tomorrow probably exercise and drawing
as i havent got my fabric in the post yet
apparently the postal service is over worked but im not complaining im grateful theyre still even working. it just means i cant work on the cushion
Konbanwa~~
Couldnt sleep
didnt fall asleep til gone 1:30am :/
woke up around 8am
This morning me and mum went for a walk
we did a big walk round a country park we can walk to from the house, they have shut the car parks to it so it was really empty it was nice
we came back and had a brew
she then very kindly dyed my hair, my hair had gone light but i fancied just making it fresh and shiny and soft. I picked medium ash blond. i am shocked how dark it has gone!
im fine with it as its soft and shiny now but just darker
then i had a shower
i had some lunch and then went to bed
i was tired and had been in really bad pain all day so i needed escapism
when i got up i worked on my quilt
i have attached the patchwork to the blanket all that is left to do is to quilt it
but i wasnt in the mood to do it, so i will start it tomorrow
I spoke to mia on the phone for half an hour again
basically an old child hood friend we've known for 20 years or so ditched us a couple of years back but got in contact with us both and i said i wanted nothing to do with her but mia contacted her and told her she doesnt want friendship anymore (in a kind way) and got it thrown in her face. so i was glad i hadnt bothered to respond to the message. mia is done now, she wasnt upset or anything she was just filling me in.
Oz was in a bit of a mood with me, but turns out he had tummy ache bless him
i dont think he's 100% now but im sure he will be ok
i know what it is, its a food sometimes i buy by mistake and it doesnt agree with him
im gonna try my new physio exercises today
i havent spoken to jack today
he did an all nighter last night as he couldnt sleep so just didnt
guessing hes tired as ive hardly heard from him today
i shall let him get on with it
i got disgaea4 in the post and it came with a poster and book mark
tomorrow
i shall be quilting and doing my drawing
same old
Evening
I slept! took me til about midnight but i slept through til 8am! woo!!
so yeah that was good ^^
this morning i danced for half hour til i was sweaty
then showered and mum and my brother came home with a week's worth of shopping so i helped unpack that
then went on my laptop for a bit
bathed my girlies
made soup
went for a walk with mum
spoke to jack
my fabric for the quilt arrived today so i was able to add the border to that finally
all thats left is to sew it to the blanket and quilt it!
did some drawing
just got the outline of the tea cup done and the eyes
spoke to mia
now im gonna see my Ozwald
tomorrow i will be quilting my quilt!
Evening
Jo did not get to sleep til 3am...
couldnt switch off
its strange but when i listen to the house there is no noise, maybe the odd sound from my family sleeping but apart from that, no sound. yet in my, the noise. its relentless
so many thoughts and voices
it is going to drive me mad one day
i woke up at 7am and thought "you can forget it" rolled over and woke up at 9am
6 hours sleep isnt too bad
today it was starting out to be a warm day rather quickly
and i felt like going for a walk in the morning rather than afternoon
and i was just about to announce that to mum when she came out and said the same thing!
so we went for a morning walk and walked deep into the woods
it was good actually
then i came back and showered and had a brew
i was hoping for fabric to come in the post
sadly it did not
but what did come in the post was my new camera battery and so far it seems to work fine
so i can actually record dances now without it dying!
i cleaned my room which i meant to do yesterday but totally forgot
so i changed my bed, dusted my room, hoovered up
all tidy ^^
i didnt fall asleep today so im hoping i sleep tonight
i spoke to jack he looked tired
he said he was up til 3am gaming then couldnt sleep and woke up at 12:30
i said it never seems fair that he is up by choice at that time playing with his mates and such whereas i am up at that time simply cus im in pain and or cant turn off mentally and im alone
always always alone at night
he hasnt been doing a great deal with himself
i said i would really really like to see him sunday as its easter so dad is home sunday AND monday and whats more mum is on about getting him to do some DIY, some decorating...thats just asking for it. i cant cope with that - i never can. so i will try and escape to jack's of course the lock down will hopefully be over with but who knows im still tempted to go over as i think i will crack
i struggled to think of ideas for coasters i want to draw and get printed/made
i looked and then i had a random idea
seeing as jack wasnt helping me with any ideas i thought "make em crazy cute"
so im doing some proper loli/moe/kawaii coasters
all girls and all drinking tea
i told him and i think he is ok with it actually
he has no choice XD gonna be sickly cute
i started the outline of the first one - i have 4 to do in total
just need to draw her tea cup in front of her mouth
something i am not used to drawing i have to say so it will be a new challenge for me
i might have a quick run through of the dances im learning right now tonight as its 8:30pm
i will then see my lad who is sulking as i keep kicking him out the shed
i did sit outside with him today and brought him in for a brew
he gets love X3
tomorrow i hope fabric will come to be honest it is said to arrive tomorrow and thursday so we shall see which out of the 4 pieces ordered will actually come!
if not i will continue with my drawing
i am gonna dance in the morning as my family are out
dad working
and mum and brother are going for the weekly food shop
i have to stay home >.>
need a change of scenery so badly
anyway i cant complain as others have it far worse than me
i think id be fine if i wasnt mentally ill
its that which is getting to me right now
cus im stressed and not handling it its making my pain worse
when im suffering the voices become louder
we all wish for normality again
Yo
I took a fair few tablets last night
it took me til 1am to sleep i didnt get up i just laid there i couldnt switch off once again
bit of a pattern to this isnt there
I woke up at 7am but turned over and went back to sleep luckily
but didnt wake up til almost 9am....
Oz has been playing outside today as we have had another nice day
we sat with the girls and i did their claws with mum
my god tillie was so mardy anyone would think i was clipping her paws not claws
jesus XD got to be done my tills
I attempted some dancing this morning but only managed 15 mins
just felt so done in and tired for some reason so i didnt want to push it
i had a shower and played on my switch
fell asleep for 2 hours
then went for a walk with mum
came back and looked for some inspiration to draw
but i looked for ages and nothing really jumped out at me
i dont think i was totally in the mood to draw today
i felt like what ever i would draw would be ether rubbish or meaningless
i did 15 mins of yoga half hearted
nothing has held my interest today really
everything i thought about doing i couldnt be bothered to actually do
i found myself after dinner just listening to my ipod on my bed
just didnt want to do anything
im sure i will be back on form tomorrow
im hoping this time next week i can reunited with jack X3
he texted me at 7pm to ask if we could speak but i had bad stomach ache from eating my dinner so i didnt txt him back cus i wasnt sure when id be finished with dying and i wasnt in the mood to talk ether really. i shall speak with him tomorrow
i told him i have done nothing all day which to this he asked what was wrong as i never do nothing XD
im aching like crazy today which seems really unfai considering how much exercise i actually do do. so im dreading tonight in a way
i had a weird dream last night were i was getting a tattoo, didnt even know what tattoo just that i wanted it on my stomach. the guy was getting the needles ready and i was thinking "i cant have my stomach felt by anyone and when they do i tense like crazy, how am i suppose to get a tattoo there?" so when the guy wasnt looking i ran off, i dreamed this when i turned over at 7am XD
tomorrow
my god i am hoping some fabric comes in the post for me
need something to do!
Konbanwa~~
Took me a while to get to sleep
probably around 1:30pm
but i remained in bed the whole time
I cried a little bit but that was probably to be expected given how low I was feeling
I woke up at 6:45am this morning from coughing....T^T not how I wanted to wake up
so I got up to get a sodding drink
and I thought I may as well stay up now I'm up
so I brought my lad in and I put and anime on tv called Charlotte - never heard of it
watched one episode with Oz and then turned it off as he needed toilet and i went on my switch
i stayed downstairs for a while playing my switch
im enjoying disgaea but i suddenly thought "what will i do when i have finished it!?"
I went upstairs and crawled into bed
i was tired but couldnt sleep i was mainly reading and monging out to be honest
til about 11am anyway
got some lunch, i havent been bothering greatly with breakfast as of late
then i went to the shower and sat epilating my legs XD
first time i have used it this year, i got into epilating last year as mia introduced me to it
but i got impatient with it at times and ended up shaving
and once winter came round i didnt bother that greatly with leg hair - as who sees it!
but the other day i came across my epilator and thought id give it ago
could not believe all the hair i grow XD to be honest its not that im quite lucky as i have light hair there for my hairs arent that noticeable
my brother banged on the bathroom door "what you doing in there? whats that noise?"
i replied "just ripping the hairs out my legs!"
so that entertained me and gave me a different pain to focus on
which lead me think "i see why people self harm" as its a different focus point
not that i think i would but admittedly my thoughts did drift there at midnight last night
anyway
so after my shower and such
i talked to jack on the phone he is missing me and me him
i think he's literally just gaming his life away tho
i recorded a dance! my first one this year!
no one was home and i felt certain i could record it in one go before the battery died XD
i went for an hour long walk i walked to the next town
and back again so it was a good walk
came back and had a brew
worked out what i needed to cut out for the pumpkin cushion and started cutting
but i was having second thoughts on some aspects so in the end i have ordered 3 fat quarters for this damn cushion as i cant decide on background fabric and border fabric -___-
its hard not being able to go and physically see and choose fabric :/
still i suppose i should be grateful i can order online still
i had a look online for disgaea4 as i keep looking out for a good deal on it
and today i found it for sale for £32 new
so i ordered that! i was happy with that
i havent finished 5 yet but i know im half way and im gonna need something afterwards
and in this current state of affairs theres no way i want to be left with nothing to play!
i uploaded my dance
and its been a long time since i checked out my channel
got like 59,900 views in total. bit weird when you think that many people have watched me dance. nothing compared to my original channel. but then i was working during the period i had my original channel so i cracked out 3 dances a week! ah those were the days XD
now i dance more for my own benefit more than my channel
tonight i dont feel like doing a lot but i have been putting off learning new dances for the last few days so i might make a start. I fancy having a go at onepixcel's girls dont cry
tomorrow
seeing as i have come to a total standstill with my sewing due to having to wait for fabric to come through my door, i guess i will have to do some drawing or something instead :/
i shall pass the day one way or another
and pray this is the last week of lock down!
Evening~~
I couldnt sleep
was up til 2:30am
I wanted to go downstairs for a bit but I could hear my brother down there and I wasnt sure whether to join him or not but i managed to drop 4 hours later than what I went to bed at
this morning I cleaned Oz out
I did 50 mins of yoga
then went for a shower
had lunch and went to bed
whilst I was in bed my brother had kindly taken the hutches out the shed
so the pets are outside the back door once more!
Oz was going mad checking out all the areas of the shed XD
he been a busy bunny today, not sure hes that impressed with being kicked out the shed tho
I did some sewing then went for a walk with mum
got back and had a brew outside with mum and Oz
then continued sewing
managed to get all 140 squares sewn together
yesterday it was in squares
day before or so in whole pieces
its looking good, i ordered some fabric at midnight as i forgot
so i ordered baby pink for the border
so i actually cant go any further with it til i get fabric in the post
i decided i would start the pumpkin cushion and whilst i have managed to scrap together enough orange fabric for the pumpkin, i havent been able to find anything that takes my fancy for the background so i ended up buying yet more fabric -____- i already have so much
we were ordering pizza
and whilst i waited jack phoned me
i havent really been in contact with him i have very much been in my own bubble
i find i slip back to my old ways pretty quickly in that i distance myself from others as its less painful. and missing him is painful so if i stay out the way its not as bad but he always wants to call which is right and i know its right its just goes against me trying to protect myself from feeling hurt
my brother is on about if the isolation period is lengthened then he might go live with his girlfriend and her parents. my god id miss him so damn much if he does that
i told jack and he said he'd speak to theo about living with them but i cant its not feasible to do that as i cant look after my health as well there, id get bored as all my hobbies are here and big items to take over and of course there is my baby boy who i feel guilty about leaving just for 1 night never mind weeks! so i cant and it sucks and it hurts and im trying not to feel. i want to be numb as if this continues i will cry as im fed up of it all.
might take a lot of painkillers tonight. sick of not sleeping and being left alone with my thoughts
not healthy
tomorrow i might cut out squares for the pumpkin but i obviously cant finish it as i havent got enough fabric, so everything comes to a halt til i see mr. postman
i have other stuff i could do maybe?
