Flump's pumpkin girl

Evening

I tried to sleep last night
got up for a wee at 1am and climbed into my bed and tried to sleep
and i did get off around 1:30am and i remained IN my bed as opposed to ON it
like I have been the last several nights
got up at 8:30am

this morning i went to pet shop with mum, but i waited in the car
seeing as the pet shop was close to a park we walked round it
which made a change as we have been walking the same routes for weeks!
we walked for 40mins

i came back and had a brew
then i did an hour of yoga with my physio exercises
i was shaking and sweating afterwards
jack said he managed to do his weight work out, so hes doing well
but said theo killed him off XD
i went for a shower

after my shower i sat colouring in the bikini girl from yesterday
so she is finished

i wrote note with it saying "i caught flump trying to pin this to my wall. this is evidence"
im sure jack will laugh at it
only him will understand the joke
i swear our plushies have a mind of their own now
we have given them actual personalities and stuff
mum said it was good
later on i took a 20min walk and posted it to jack
he doesnt know i have done him anything
he should get it start of next week at a guess

i played on my switch a few times
i also had a stab at the baby blanket
it just needs quilting then its finished :) shouldnt take me too long

dad is home saturday and sunday ugh
how unfortunate 
so thats me staying well out the way this weekend
i cant cope with him right
to be honest i cant cope with much full stop
like i feel it wouldnt take much to make me cry or angry
prehaps im reaching breaking point?
due a cry maybe? i know i am bottling my emotions and feelings
we shall see

i have been watching jpop videos mainly keyakizaka46
i love the lyrics to 'eccentric' 
one like 'kawarimono de ii' - i am fine being strange
its a good song but i mainly enjoy:

Mou Mori He Kaerou ka? and fukyouwaon and silent majority and hiraishin

i was doing some research into dances, as i have a few i want to learn but when i try my heart isnt in it which means - it is not the time to learn those particular dances. so i researched hard into the one i do want to learn its by Monogatari and its called Monogatari. But there is no clear video of the dance and its a fast one at that. so i havent learned it in the past just cus ive struggled for videos to learn from but i have amassed a few and i hope i can learn from them - its just no easy learning this way. but i want to try as i can tell this is the one my heart wants to learn!

that will be something i work on tomorrow as its 8:30pm and im tired. plus i need something to work on over the weekend in my room!

tomorrow i will probably finish off the baby blanket
do some drawing maybe
i havent really been doing a lot on the drawing front, just bits and pieces
but there isnt any rush with it anyway
and i dont like sitting there for ages working on it unless i have to

thats all really

Pumpkin girl

Evening~~

Last night mum asked me why I had written "baked beans" on her shopping list
i hadn't as i knew we had a load of beans in
but when i looked...there was my hand writing
i have no memory of this at all
i think i am slowly cracking
i have been answering and talking to my mum and brother and not knowing
and now im writing stuff as well apparently
i know im stressed but yeah this is getting weird
psychosis is a strange illness
the wolf is literally at the door

Took me til 1:30am to sleep
I was restless and went to bed at like 9:15pm
for some reason i had even less reason to tolerate my dad's presence so i just went out the way
i woke up at 7:30am

this morning my mum went shopping and dragged dad with her this was 8:40am
so I decided that even tho i had only been awake an hour that i would dance
that way i can have the living room and have it as loud as i wanted
i was there a whole hour
i was a dripping hot mess!!! i had done 45mins dancing and 15mins yoga
god i was hot so dived straight into the shower 

i came out and mum and dad came back i helped unpack the food
then i began making my soup for the week
turned out alright actually so i had that for lunch
then ended up falling asleep on my bed afterwards
wasnt that tired but i was aching from dancing so much

when i got up the postman had been
my green frame for bulbasaur had come but sadly its half an inch too big
i had measured the outer ring not the inner one - i had no idea how they were measured
luckily they are only £2.50 but its annoying i have to wait for another ring now
as i have ordered the one i do believe is correct

i wasnt in the mood to do anything much creative today
just wasnt feeling it
jack rang spoke to him for a bit
i think he did most of the talking i didnt really have anything to say
he seems ok and is doing weight training with theo's weights 
as hes worried he will grow fat, lazy and even more unfit
i think cus he leaves the house once a day for a walk and thats it
but i cant say im doing much more really
i guess dancing hard is good for cardio and yoga is good for strength
so in that respect i am doing my body a better service than jack is doing for his
see how long he keeps it up
hes missing me
its bank holiday next weekend which means dad wont be at work on monday
its like hell for me
so i asked jack if i can stay over next weekend and he says it was fine
so it would have been 3 weeks again before we would have met up
seeing each other just twice in 6 weeks is hardly anything

after my video call with jack, mum wanted to know if i would go a walk with her
it was plenty hot out but i thought id go with her
we did a good route around the forest
so i think ive done almost 2 hours worth of exercise today

i played on my switch before food
then after dinner i got to work drawing a picture for jack
its a joke picture

im gonna say i caught Flump pinning it to my wall XD
i think he will laugh
i need to colour it in and get it sent off
he wont be expecting it XD
not to my usual taste i have to say, but its good to draw different things sometimes isnt it
the pen drawing took me 30mins
i will take my time colouring in
i showed mum she laughed and said she wouldnt be surprised if jack pinned it up somewhere in his flat XD

might do a bit of digital drawing tonight
then go down for my Ozwald

done charmander

Evening

I am so damn tired -___-
had a real rough night
couldnt sleep i ached and i felt sick
i did get up at 1am for a bit, couldnt take anymore pain relief as i felt like id actually be sick. i ate some cereal to try and help the sickness it didnt work >.>
i went to bed around 2ish and i was just drifting off when i heard someone on the street behind me holding down their car horn and i thought "what arse hole does that at 2am"
that was nothing cus then what followed was some sort of domestic
a woman screaming and shouting - i couldnt tell what i dont think she even knew what she was saying. a man yelling his F words left right and centre
i mean who does this? pulls up at 2am and has it out in the middle of the street?
such selfishness
it stirred me up really so it passed 3am by time i could actually settle
it left me thinking "i hope i never have to experience such things. why cant people just talk it out?"
i woke up at 8am, like death

went for a walk with mum this morning which was nice as we did a long route round the woods
i came back and did 20mins of dancing, i was sweating like mad
i went for a shower and apilated my legs again but this time wasnt as much hair XD

when i came out i started doing a bit more of charmander then ended up doing charmander
here he is with squirtle

ive played on my switch a few times today
sat with my lad
cleaned Oz out as well to which he helped of course
checked my work email but there was nothing there for me

sorted a few things on my ipod
and read on my bed
nothing much really
im so tired tho and ready to fall asleep

think jack wants to talk to me 
im so tired tho but i will talk to him for a bit i guess
dont think he's doing a lot with himself
i know hes having take away tonight and gaming online with theo and harvey
so the usual really there 

tomorrow
i want to do bulbasaur but i havent got the green frame as of yet :/ 
i dont want to do it without the frame really
it can wait
i have a baby blanket i can finish off so i might sit and do that

done squirtle

Konbanwa

I knew I couldnt sleep last night
so I got up at 11:45pm and stayed up til almost 1am
just had some cereal and  hot chocolate as i felt a bit sick and off
and thats when i worked out i had had 150mg again...
need to stop doing that -____- but its so easy to do when youre in pain
i woke up at 7:30am but went to sleep for another hour

I went for a walk with mum this morning for about 40mins
then came back and did 50mins of yoga
my body was shaking after all that exercise!
i had a shower then sat working on my cross stitch
i sat doing it in front of keyakizaka46 arena 2019 tour 
an i got squirtle done and the outline on charmander done

cute isnt it, considering the frame is only 3 inches

jack txted and said he had received my doodle ^^
he really liked it and said it had made his week :) 
so it was worth doing
thought we were gonna talk today but we havent 

my brother left for his girlfriend's family house today :(
hes gone for a whole week just for a change of scenery he says
i will miss him a lot i know i will
and means i will be eating my dinners by myself for a week ><
but if it makes him happy then so be it
jack has said i can go over to his but im ok at the moment
im only gonna go over if i am really struggling
although from sounds of it he would quite like me over

tonight i would like to work on some dancing
and maybe do a bit of drawing
i have really bad back ache tho so im not sure how things will go just yet
what will be comfiest to do kinda thing

tomorrow i might do some dancing and sweat it out
probably go a walk with mum as i know she likes doing that with me
do some cross stitch pokemon, drawing and anything else i wanna do i guess

No work luckily

Evening

I tried sleeping in my dressing gown on top of my bed last night
didnt work the other night but worked last night
took me til after midnight and few swipes at my face but finally got to sleep
i felt sore from running this morning and my face felt dry and sore from scratching it in a half sleep state - something i do when im unhappy and stressed and do without thinking -____-

This morning i went for a good walk with mum which was nice
then i came back and had a brew with the lad then had a shower
had my lunch then went and checked my work emails
i rubbed in jack's face i had 26 emails and no work XD woohoo!
i went to bed after that i was in pain
extra pain relief had done very little and i didnt want to take anymore if i could help it
i was desperate for escape so that what i did

when i woke up
i began planning out my snorlax candle holder as the clay came today all 454g of it!
its a brick! never had so much clay in one chunk before
but i needs to be weighty to support a candle
i might start it tomorrow maybe? not sure yet
i need hours at it and have to it in one day otherwise clay goes off
its gonna be a birthday present for jack
thats if it isnt crap!

i had an idea in bed last night about doing some cross stitch for my would be house
so i planned that out
i have 3 inch frames and inside i will cross stitch 
red frame - charmander
blue frame - squirtle
green frame - bulbasaur
theyre gonna be so cute as the cross stitch of the pokemon will only be like an inch big X3

today we had to ring the vets up and report my molly's runny eye shes had for the last 3 days
the receptionist said they will request a photo of molly's eye then the vet will decide on whether molly needs to come in or if they will just prescribe something for her
given shes already had a runny eye i was kinda hoping we wouldnt have to take her in
luckily they didnt even request a photo! they rang up and said they would leave us some eye drops on the desk for us. so mum went down to collect them
she said people had to leave the pets on the door step and a member of staff came and collected them. how hard must that be! to not physically give them over but to leave them in a box at the door!
god i couldnt do that to Oz! mum said she watched a woman leave her puppy in the box!

also today was a little gusty but nothing major but blew the felting off the shed roof
so dad had some come home and nail that back on

i had truffle on the sofa with Oz today
he was grooming her and he licked her ear and she shudder and shut her eyes
one happy pig, he loves his guineas

i did 20mins of dancing tonight but i was making myself hot and bothered so i gave in
i did 20mins of yoga earlier in the day and a 50mins walk so i havent done bad today

im gonna paint my nails tonight
as i got too distracted with watching killing eve last night

heres how far i am, i didnt do any last night
and only 15mins tonight and i mostly sorted the layers out

first run 2020

Evening

couldnt sleep
was up til 3am just in pain and id had enough really
but i got up at 8am so didnt sleep too bad

i have done bugger all today
really unmotivated
tired, in pain, fed up
self destructive
the other day i took 150mg of codeine instead of the recommended 64mg
today i was trying to pierce my ear but gave up because it wasnt going anywhere not cus of the pain, the pain was welcomed 
i ached and ached
so decided to go for a run as i thought if that makes me ache then it cant make me feel any worse than what i already felt, was my reasoning

so i did a route that i used to do
i managed but did have to walk twice for a minute
as i literally couldnt breathe due to hayfever
i sounded like that penguin toy - weezy - from toy story 2
i sounded awful and my ribs and lungs hurt from trying to breathe
i came home and coughed and sounded like i was very heavy smoker
took a while for my lungs to feel ok, even after i could catch my breathe
i hate hayfever
my body ached after the run just from using different muscles i guess
but my knee joints hurt and i think running just isnt for me really
as much as i loved it like last year and the year before i just think its too damaging on my body and i already have bad joints and muscles, im making myself worse for no reason
so dancing and yoga it is :) it was nice going for a run but i didnt even enjoy it as much as i once did

i had a shower
and played on my switch in bed
laid in bed
zoned out in bed
just didnt want to involve myself in the world
i havent done anything
my brother says he is going ether tomorrow or tuesday to stay at his girlfriends family house for a couple of weeks
so im gonna find that hard and im dreading him going
im on the edge as it it, never mind losing him as well

i told jack i wasnt that happy with life
i spoke to him for 15mins 
he said i can come stay with him for a couple of days
he wasnt that impressed to find out i had been falling into my self destructive ways
and he said even if i just come over to sleep properly at night it would be something
as i do seem to sleep better a lot of the time with him there
i will see
if my brother goes and i go then my mum will be alone
with dad....

im sure tomorrow will be a better day
i will have to check my work emails and see if i have had any work come in from over easter
ugh i might actually have work to do....

tonight is the first episode of the 3rd season of killing eve
actually something i want to watch on tv! 
oh and i trimmed truffle today and did a really good job of her she looks so much better and tidier and even younger. she was much better behaved and yeah im pleased with her hair cut and so is mum :)

Pumpkin cushion

Evening all~~~~

my pumpkin cushion before i forget

I couldnt sleep - no surprise
but the sheer amount of pain  I was in last night, I felt like crying
even now i am not sure how it didnt break me
i stayed in bed til 2am til i was that tense and knotted up and stressed that i had to get up
and i stayed up til 4am, read in bed for half hour then tried to sleep
then i woke up at 7am dripping in sweat from having a nightmare...
sodding nightmares, i have so many when im unhappy and stressed
this one was about being in some abandoned warehouse, i could hear people and screaming so i searched and searched til i found the source. It was a long ramp where people were tied up like they were to be hung then rode down the ramp whilst being hung then at the bottom a blade met them where it finally ended their suffering by clieving their head clean off. The sounds, screams, blood, images it was horrible and i felt sick thinking "what if they find me??"
so i woke up and somehow i fell asleep which i think was due to exhaustion more than anything

this morning i did half hour of dancing, followed straight up with half hour of yoga
i was a dripping mess and in need of a shower
afterwards i went to bed really as i was shattered
i got up and had some food which was 2pm and my first meal of the day
then i went for my 45min walk so ive done almost 2 hours worth of exercises today

i sat outside with mum with a brew when i got back which was nice
then i spoke to jack for the first time in almost a week
it was good to see him and speak with him not that ether of us had much to say as were always in contact anyway.

afterwards i helped mum with the dinner as she had a bad headache and couldnt think straight
after dinner i did some drawing and i got pretty far

its looking cute :)

i have a couple more physio exercises to finish off then next i am gonna sit with Oz and then play my switch

tomorrow probably just drawing and exercise