I'm here
I just needed space
I had had enough of writing the same crap basically
but I will try and keep going with my diary blog
so over the last few weeks these are the highlights
I have been in awful pain for some reason despite doing all the exercises I do
one night i hit breaking point and needed to feel a different pain
so at 8:50pm I grabbed a needle and by 9pm I had made a new piercing in my ear
yes it bled and it didnt hurt much the different pain was welcomed
i cried when i told mum, she couldnt judge me too much as she had done the same as a teenagers so had jack actually so they both couldnt judge me but they were concerned
next day i was much better mentally
currently my piercing is healing well with a stud through it, no infection yet to say i didnt even clean the needle...
i went back to work for the first time since lock down
me julia and jack went in to clear the labs for student use we were there a few hours
i was sad to see my plants had died
we have since been put on a rota and every thursday morning we come in to help out with the 40 year10 students that are coming in, so far we've only been in once to do this and the next shift is tomorrow, its nice being in and getting the prep room how we want it for september
the first shift we did last week, i had packed some leggings to wear and when i put them on in the morning jack noticed that i had two massive holes on both inside thigh, i knew they had little holes but they had really worn through. and the only other bottoms i had was lilac joggers - not appropriate for school! so i had to borrow a pair of jacks black trousers and he made a new hole in his belt so i could keep them up >< i actually looked alright in them surprisingly, no one even noticed.
we started looking at houses!
in fact this week we had our first viewing which stressed me out a lot as i liked it and so did jack but my parents said we could do better and i was tired and in pain and i just cried and had a bit of panic attack and ended up sleeping at jacks as he tends to sooth my soul some how
we have more house viewings lined up for friday
i went to see mia for the first time since lock down
met her new puppy - wilma, or as mia calls her - winnie
shes very sweet and it was lovely to see mia rob walt and wilma
ive been doing art work still to keep me quiet
me and jack did a piece together actually
i got a frame made its 20"x20" box frame and we filled it with pokemon stuff we had from 1999 to 2000 and this is how it turned out
i saw nigel and he treated me, which was very kind of him to see me as he says i have been the 3rd person he has seen, he knows people suffer so yeah he did cupping on me, massage and acupuncture it was brutal and i was in agony for days afterwards but it has helped loads and i might go see him again next week
think that was it really
just been a bit all over the place with pain and mentalness
ive still been dancing and yoga and walking and taking care of myself but yeah im not quite right but im hoping i will level out with time.
tonight im staying over at jack's so i can take him to school with me tomorrow
saves him taking public transport
then im coming home
Konbanwa~
Did not sleep well
I ached and couldnt switch off so i went downstairs at midnight for an hour
played on pokemon for a bit
went to bed at 1am but still took me a while to actually sleep
then i woke up at 6am then 8 then 9
i was shattered and rough but still managed a walk an dancing ^^
I had a Teams video call with the dept head - same person who gave me my job!
and she was just finding out if i would like to return to school before the summer holidays
jack had txt me an hour previous saying he was gonna go in to do science work and help shepherd the children. which is what i will be doing. but both of us dont HAVE to do it. in fact at any time we dont want to or feel unsafe then we have the right to say no. I said i would give it ago if anything just to help me with my anxiety. i can tell mum isnt happy about it but theres only 6 weeks left and i wouldnt be needed every day. i want to try but i already feel sick about doing it. I told her that i was really anxious so shes taken me off the rota for week one but allowing me to come in and observe. i will try! doesnt start til i think monday 15th 9:30am for me. I am going in on monday 8th tho just to help jack put away science stuff from the labs before the students return.
I finished Disgaea5 today! it was really good and i really enjoyed it
i have post game content i can do which is always a bonus
but i think im gonna play more on pokemon really
started doing my next painting
i have drawn it out and started painting it
not entirely sure how i will paint it all yet but im sure it will reveal it's self to me
its looking alright, mum said "dont know where you come up with these ideas. its good,, certainly quirky" i just do what comes to mind, something to do isnt it
apart from that i havent really done much else!
just been in my own bubble
of course i have spent time with Oz and we sat with the girls as well.
never have a peaceful brew when theyre invited XD
tomorrow i have asked jack if i can see him
we might go for a walk round the country park near me and maybe have dinner here
unsure yet whats happening i guess a lot depends on the weather as today we've had showers throughout the day. my parents are fine with him coming over as he hasnt been anywhere and i have been going to see him. we will probably play pokemon too. i plan on spending the weekend with him and monday cus of work.
Evening
Back from Jack's
it is helping my mental health loads by getting out
So tuesday
started my day with a meeting with all of science
i had hardly slept and one thing keeping me up was my anxiety about a stupid online meeting just how stupid and annoying is that!?
as I thought there was nothing to be worried about
but it went on for 45mins!! my god, and i cant say i got a great deal out of it
just more for teachers which is usually is
then as soon as it was over with i was out the door with mum for a much needed walk!
i came back and danced then showered, went to bed
spent time with Ozwald even tho it was hot
then by 4pm I went over to jack's
I showed him that I had got pokemon sword! he was happy and wanted to know what pokemon I wanted, my god he had done my team before i had taken the wrapping off the game....if only he was the keen for other things XD
we did a walk - yet another walk for me
played on switches but i played disgaea5 - still have it to finish!
we went to bed around midnight as the 3 of us sat on the sofa playing games really
i slept pretty well
Wednesday
my cousin turned 22!
woke up at 6am to the sound of something i havent heard in a while - rain
we had to get up as we had a meeting at 10am online but it was our first all staff meeting not just department. it went on for over an hour and once it was done both me and jack said the same thing "didnt learn anything new" it was quite dull if im honest
i got up and showered and we went for a walk
i started pokemon but after 15mins i went and had a nap XD
jack was like "you gotta play it so you can have these pokemon before you go home"
we did a walk in the drizzle as yesterday we actually had rain!
we made jack's character for his next D&D game starting tomorrow
yet another thing to highlight how different we are, i was like "have an assassin or someone athletic or good with guns. Jack you guy is gonna die at this rate" but what did he do? made a total nerd. someone not good an reading emotions good academically and yeah just a total dork i said "what youve done there is made yourself" my god i would not have gone down that route
but he was dead happy with it!
then he and theo were playing on some dull space game together - theo on his laptop - jack on his PC downstairs in his room
I went to go do half hour of yoga where theo was
afterwards i tried reading manga but i was just tired it got to 10pm
and i said to jack "im really tired" he said "ok well i'll just wait for theo to get to this planet then ill come to bed"
30mins later i gave up waiting and went to bed
grabbed my big hamster plush and went to bed, behind jack who was still on his PC
i wasnt arsed, i wasnt gonna stay up by myself for nothing, sod the lot of them
i woke up at 1:30am and was in agony i really hurt, jack was awake and hadnt actually been to sleep i told him that i hurt and needed to get up and he decided he was gonna get up and make us both a hot chocolate i told him it wasnt necessary but he wouldnt hear of it
so we sat upstairs til 2:45am and i had got my tens machine on, something he'd heard of but never seen and i havent ever told him i use one. i dont like making myself different. mum insisted last time i took it but i didnt then this time she was like "take it you might need it" and as i had it with me i was gonna use it. jack had a go with it and i have it on a very very weak setting as i cant bare it strong, jack who is rubbish with pain, had it on max...like he couldnt feel it. very odd
we went to bed but it took me til well gone 3am to sleep
so we were both a bit tired this morning
i had a bath and we went for a walk
jack did a lot of the talking he talked candidly about if we got married...he went on and on and went into detail who he would have to invite. it neared 100 as he has over 50 'close' relatives. i have 7
i would be massively outnumbered
i would dread the day id be in front of all those people. i hate being centre of attention anyway never mind in front of that many people the majority of which i dont know...
we got back and had lunch
i slept after lunch and jack played on the space game with theo again
when i woke he gave me my pokemon
i had only been on the game 2 hours and i came across a shiny! shinies are so rare
it wasnt anything amazing it was Chewtle but hey a shiny is a shiny so i caught it and jack said i should have it in my team but im unsure who to swap out for it
i could tell it annoyed him that id only been on it 2 hours and had a shiny XD
i came home and saw my Oz
i sat in the garden with him
ive since sat with him on my knee on the sofa and im about to do so again
tomorrow probably exercise and start drawing out my painting
i may have a meeting with the dept head but not sure yet - just to discuss returning to work but i have health issues so yeah
im staying over at jacks over the weekend and on monday me jack and julia are going into school to tie up loose ends before september as its looking like we as technicians wont be in til september potentially :/
Konbanwa~~
my nails came out better, Killing Eve was alright
I kinda slept
I got off before midnight anyway which is a plus
I got up at 8:20am and heard mum saying "right thats it you're going home!"
I came downstairs and she said "ive been out to him 3 times in 1 minute! I wasnt standing for anymore!" it was Oz....on mum's plants...
so he had gone back to his cage before id even gotten downstairs, that has to be a new record Ozwald XD usually it gets to 9am and he starts snacking on the plants cus hes hungry so i have to put him home for carrot which he scoffs. Honestly Oz
same every day
Tilly today is quiet, shes eating tho and weighs the same. We have syringe fed her water 3 times today just to make sure she is hydrated in this heat.
we just dont know why shes quiet and withdrawn
we check her often throughout the day
I went for a walk by myself this morning
and then did 25mins of dancing til i was dripping mess...my god its so hot lately
had a shower
then i painted really
I broke off and did some baking
just felt in the mood to bake
so i baking biscuits and sandwiched them together with Nutella
they were good
i did one in the shape of a willy for my brother, mum was not amused XD but my brother found it good XD and he ate it
then I had a brew with mum and Oz
talked to Jack for a short while
he seemed a bit hard to talk to and kept yawning so i was like "you ok?"
he said "yeah i just got off the phone to my family" but i dont know he just felt a bit off to me
he doesnt seem like hes a hurry to see me despite it being over a week, cus we were gonna meet up tomorrow but he doesnt want to see me til like 4pm cus he has 'work' to do despite him saying work will only take 10mins...i couldnt weigh him up he was hard work. i said id only stay one night but he insisted i stayed 2 as he said there wasnt gonna be much time together otherwise. so i couldnt make up my mind whether he was bothered about seeing me or not! maybe i was reading too much into it. but im seeing him tomorrow at some point. god knows what we are doing. and i will be back thursday. then staying over at his on the weekend.
then i did some more painting, had dinner, finished my painting
did 25mins of yoga which i felt a bit better for
i have another idea for a painting i want to do i just need to get on and start it tomorrow
havent done any digital drawing today as i didnt have the time XD
Konbanwa~~~
Jo slept!
my god I slept!
took me til gone midnight but i slept through til 8:30am!
that is a good sleep
and i actually woke up not feeling like death
and its been a while since i have felt semi-refreshed
i had breakfast outside with mum and Ozwald
we watched the guinea pigs playing on the grass
tilly has been a bit off today tho, very quiet, didnt finish her cucumber and she lives for food. she just seems like lethargic, im not sure if it is the heat or not. So we have syringe fed her water a couple of times today just to make sure she is actually hydrated. See how she goes, shes eating grass and stuff but just quiet.
I went for a walk with mum, we went into the woods
glad i have the woods on days like these as its so shaded
i got back and did 45mins of yoga then i had a shower
i felt exhausted and tired but it is simply because of hayfever
also my pain has been awful today, i could have laid in a hot bath all day even in todays heat
just ache big style
so i have had a lot of pain killers today, my stomach feels rotten
i have been working on my wolf painting
its nothing amazing but gave me something to do
i have the black lines to do next then it is finished
might do that tomorrow
i did 10mins of dance practice in my room
and finished Keyakizaka46's kataru nara mirai wo
feels good to finish a dance ^^ still got the other hard one to finish by fairies
i cooked the dinner
we had tuna pasta it was good ^^
im doing my nails again tonight
as my god they turned out so crap last night! i hated them and removed them this morning
i am gonna stick with my original idea of clouds :3
im gonna sit with Oz, then do nails, then watch killing eve with my parents then go to bed!
tomorrow probably exercise and drawing
the same old
there was a science meeting but its been moved to tueday morning
Evening
Couldn't sleep and ended up being up til 3am, I took a lot of pain killers too....
then I woke up at 7am and got up
only had 4 hours sleep T^T
I went for a walk with mum this morning
then we came back and cleaned pets out
i did 25mins of dancing i was dripping
went for a shower
then went on my laptop and did a bit of drawing
i had lunch watching Killing Eve on iplayer
then I went to bed for an hour
played on disgaea5 and i can confirm that im on the final chapter!
its good ^^ done 80 hours on it :D
did 30mins of yoga
ive done all this exercise and still sodding ache!!!! life is not fair
did some more drawing
and then doodled an abstract wolf on scrap paper then i ended up drawing it in my A3 sketch book and i have done a water colour wash background which has made the page rather crinkly...
i have other ideas for it but depends on how well the paper dries!
this is how far i got with my picture today
im gonna sit with Oz now and do my nails
god i hope i sleep i literally cant face another night of being up til 1am in pain alone
Jack says i could go over to his but i will wait
besides im kinda glad i didnt go over this weekend, theo had invited friends to the park for a picnic then stupidly invited them back to the flat it was only 2 people but still made jack unhappy about it all and i wouldnt have felt comfortable about it if i was there
tomorrow probably painting and exercise and drawing
Evening
Didnt sleep well
probably the first time since lock down that I have fallen asleep before midnight tho
but i kept waking up like every 40mins for some strange reason
then 1:15am i woke up and just couldnt get back off
I felt sick and achy so I got up
had cereal, sat with heat bags and tens machine playing my switch
went to bed at 3am and it took me a while to get off to sleep again
i slept with my thermal socks on which was making me sweat to death...
this morning i looked and felt like death
my skin had a greyish look to it, i had dark rings under my eyes and my lips had no colour
mum said i was grouchy but it was understandable why i was grouchy
i still wanted to go for a walk with her tho
by the time i had had pain killers, sugar, caffeine and fresh air
i felt alright really
i did 20mins of dancing and 20mins of yoga
then went for a much needed shower
the rest of the afternoon consisted of me thinking about art work i wanted to do
telling myself it would turn out crap
walking away and pouting on my bed
sleeping on my bed
then was outside with my mum and brother til dinner time
i have since started doing a drawing for the final coaster
well should be final coaster
i looked at yesterdays drawing of the emo cat girl and im not sure if i like her or not
she just doesnt seem good enough somehow so i might ditch her and do another one
i shall see
but ive done a rough outline
i might go do some yoga now as my parents are in the garden out the way and my brother is out
so i have space in the living room to stretch!
i hope i sleep tonight
i felt quite down with it all at 3am
tomorrow probably be same old
its the weekend :/
first weekend at home for a while too
hate being home on the weekends
