Saw Ed for the first time in 2 years!

 Evening!!

Jack was up gaming last night but came to tuck me in bed at 10pm

I was struggling to sleep but as luck would have it he stopped gaming at 11pm and got into bed and as soon as he did I fell asleep! I slept well too :)

This morning I got my jobs done which was to order mum a new tissue box cover as she asked me to order her one, I cut back the school geraniums, did some painting and cooked my meat for the breakfasts. So a productive morning all in my pyjamas

then I got ready and fell asleep on my bed next to Jack who was on his switch. He woke me up at midday to say he could hear Ed's motorbike.

Ed had arrived ^^ so good to see him and he gave me a hug straight away ^^

He stayed til 8pm :D

it was a good day, just very tiring! I was struggling but luckily Jack and Ed seemed to get along just fine and talked about nerdy stuff mainly gaming so I could rest sometimes.

We had lunch and dinner outside on the picnic blanket. Dinner was good but gave me stomach pain so I had to lay on the bed for half hour with hot bag on my stomach

He went for a walk with me in the afternoon too as I was struggling to sit for so long, I was aching. Jack and Ed played on their switch on the TV screen as well whilst I cooked dinner. So yeah it was a good day. He even gave us house warming gift! No one else has given us one as no one else has bothered or seen the house really

When he left Jack cleared up and I had a bath then he had the bath after me

he said he liked Ed and it was good to meet him finally

Now I am gonna get Ozwald inside for some fuss. Hes had fuss from the 3 of us today but to say we were sat outside he didnt come see us and has been a bit quiet too.

tomorrow 

we are suppose to be going out to the sherwood pines for a walk and picnic but going to see how I feel as I am quite dead and mum & jack dont want me pushing myself 2 days in a row but I would like to go >< we said if we go on the way home we will call in white post farm - where Oz is from, and buy him a new toy :) I hope tomorrow we can go out but if not I have painting to do.

was painting

 Evening

Yesterday I couldnt get to my laptop to do my diary....my craft room was just a MESS

but the mess involved A LOT of WET paint. So I didnt feel it worth dropping something on the carpet or anything so just left it really.

But yesterday I didnt sleep very well. Jack again keeping me awake

I saw my mummy for a morning walk :3 

I came home and had a cup of tea with Jack but he wouldnt let me have it til I had used my inhaler >.> I confessed to him and mum that I havent been using my steroid inhaler for about 3 weeks now

at first I did genuinely forget then I thought "do I need this?" another medicine in my life to take you know? but Jack has been pointing out how out of breath I get on walks and mum saw yesterday so I thought I would confess my sins. Jack has been on my back about using it now >.> 

yes Im stubborn

I did a fair bit of painting yesterday, started my canvas and drawers. I cleaned Oz out too and also made some more biscuits to snack on

mum dropped off some parcels which was nice of her

she txt me later saying she had made scones but forgot to halve the recipe so she had made too many XD I asked if I could come over for one

so I saw her for the 3rd time that day! X3 So I had a scone whilst mum cooked her dinner and then I sat with my brother whilst he ate his dinner which was nice

I saw the girls briefly and helped tilly with her meds, mum says shes really good ^^ we caught it early so she seems to have healed up. Of course in her having her medicine molly thought she was getting something good and starting squealing in her cage --___--  I walked back home carrying 4 scones mum let me have for me and Jack ^^

I came home and had a bath and watched anime with Jack and Oz

Last night I didnt sleep well again T^T Jack was snoring and my mind was going at 100mph

so I felt dead when i woke up at 7:30am. I got up for Oz who didnt give me a single lick >.>

Jack woke up at 8:30am and we had breakfast together and got ready to go shopping

I could not be arsed but I got it done with next no anxiety

I was so dead tho 

we came home and put it all away then had a scone and tea ^^

Jack helped me make my soup and then I cleaned the bathroom and he hoovered the whole house - this is a usual routine for us.

We had lunch and I felt pretty dead but I needed to do my dusting so I got up and dusted the living room, hall and bedroom. Then flopped on the bed for an hour

when I got up I went for a walk with Jack, I could not be arsed but I did it

I do have a lot of tiredness lately which is partly due to my anxiety and depression and partly due to me still getting used to my increase of antidepressants. It is hard. And I do question sometimes why life is so hard and unfair but I somehow just keep going. Not wanting to give in and waste life. Yes I can waste up to 3 hours on the bed sometimes each day but I managed everything in the day I set out to do. I just have to take more breaks than most people and I dont get to do what I WANT to do, I just get done what I NEED to. So in that instance it does feel massively unfair as I watch Jack get his chores done then goes to do what he WANTS to do. Whereas I have to rest. I will never have it easy. But I chose to not let rule my life. I do try my best. even if its not what my mind is telling me to do that instant. If some days my anxiety feels crippling and huge. I still fight on. The fight is harder some days but I still get up and continue. I am grateful I am the person I am as I feel I could easily live the life of a hermit which is how many people with depression and anxiety live. But I think id rather be dead then do more time in a coma like state. AS it was like being dead. I did nothing and remember nothing but aged 2 years. Not sure where this rant has come from but I guess my mind has been busy lately ^^;

Im gonna go chill out with Oz now ^^;

tomorrow

I am really really really hoping tomorrow happens

Ed is visiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I havent seen him in over 2 years!! Like last time I saw him me and Jack had only just starting dating!

I cant wait to see him ^^ be so good to see him

be weird that he lives the furthest away out of my friends but hes seeing the house before them!

I hope he can make it tomorrow 

he says hes happy to just come over and chill, I said I would cook for him

so just gonna feed him pulled pork cobs I will put on in the morning to slow cook

Can't wait ^^

I cleared my desk and craft room a bit this evening so I could do some weights and actually use my laptop! ^^;

Im also going to bed by myself tonight, Jack is gaming late with Harvey and Theo I said to him to ask them and he did not hesitate XD but he said to get him if I need him. Just hope I can sleep without him. At least theres no snoring

Went to the city centre first time in 10months

 Evening

So yesterday we did in fact go into the city centre

we got up and set off for 9am in hoping it would be quieter that time of day

I did feel ok, getting on a bus for the first time in over a year was ok too

but actually getting into the city its self was just overwhelming to say the least

My anxiety just rocketed, I could barely breathe, Jack supported me all the way

I was determined to do this

luckily everywhere was dead to be honest. I was surprised at how quiet it all was

we did a lot of shops, at 10:30 we stopped for a tea and shared a cake, I wasnt going to have any of it but I was shaking from being drained from anxiety. Needed to up my sugars otherwise I think I might have fainted. I also used my inhaler. It was a well needed pit stop

We continued shopping and it was Jack that mainly brought cus I literally got some cheap brushes and paint! Jack got clothes, a 20 sided dice lamp (its so cool it changes colour), anime, shoes, snacks

he did really well but I buy offline and he doesnt, so I get my stuff throughout the year and he just hasnt spent any money in like a year XD

we caught the bus home at midday, yes we were like ninjas, in and out. It was starting to get busier. I had had enough, Jesus I was like a corpse. Anxiety is shattering. If it had been busy when we had arrived I would have turned back for home, I am glad it wasnt too bad.

I was shocked at what the high street looks like in Nottingham tho!! D:

its been destroyed by corona. Id say its 90% food stores. Not even joking

so many stores had gone, they are bordered up or replaced with food.

so much food.....we wont starve thats for bloody sure!!

Where I get my bras from is gone TT^TT 

its changed everywhere thats for sure. We didnt do one end of the city as I was struggling to walk much further but the bus drove through it and I could just see FOOD every sodding where. Quite depressing. Im guessing people online shop these days but its not for everyone and also some things are nice to actually try on you know?

we got home and I had lunch then went straight to bed

I went to bed twice in the afternoon. I was like a corpse.

we were to go over to Harveys in the evening for takeaway so I needed to rest and gain energy but did feel like a waste of life

we had a bath then went over to Harveys

the guys ordered Pizza, I took leftovers over

dessert came and I ate so much I did so well, we ordered my brother a waffle as payment for doing such a good job on my car.

I think Jack could see I had had enough and at 9pm we set off for home. We had had a good time and it was nice to see everyone. Jack had leftover pizza for breakfast so he was happy XD

we dropped off my brothers waffle and he was VERY happy to receive it XD

we got home and had Oz in to watch Inuyasha

I was tired but couldnt sleep

too many thoughts about food. Making me wonder was any of it bloody worth it!? I do need to keep eating treat food otherwise it will win but when it keeps you up til 2am you have to wonder if it is worth it you know? It wasnt just the thoughts that kept me awake tho it was Jack as well. Crushing me in his sleep and tossing and turning which pulls on the duvet. I got up in the end as it was doing my head in. At one point he got up for a drink and I stood there thinking "if he acknowledges me we  will get up together as he did say to wake him if I cant sleep" he saw me and said "alright?" and climbed into bed and fell asleep straight away.......what!? how is that possible? its like he was sleep walking. I asked him about it this morning and he has no memory of it XD

I went and did some photoshop work and came to bed at 2am and woke up at 9:30am

I had a massive blood blister bite thing in my mouth where I have bit my mouth in my sleep but its huge like how that didnt wake me I have no idea. I can feel it each time I swallow and eat. its the size of 3 finger nails. never had one that big. surprised I was choking on blood in the night

Jack didnt dare wake me, for the best as it would have been the last thing he did, he waited to have his pizza with me and made me tea :3 

I have been sluggish and tired all day tho, not a good day

i picked myself up this morning and sanded down my drawers in the garage and Jack helped. Oz thought it was great he was constantly there! very cute!

I went to bed after lunch and just was slug. We went for a walk and took the umbrella and the rain did come and my god did we get wet it was heavy rain! it woke me up tho and I kinda enjoyed it in a way. I came in and ran a bath to warm us up - this was 3pm

so by 4pm we were both in pyjamas X3

had an easy dinner of leftovers but still fell asleep after dinner. I hope I sleep tonight

Jack is gaming for 4 hours tonight. I am just here really - existing

I need to write to do lists each day, I need structure and goals as this isnt doing me any good and I am not seeing anything I get done. I keep writing my days off as having done nothing whereas I have actually done stuff even through my tiredness. I am so fed up of being tired

im tired of being tired

its frustrating as hell

tomorrow I am determined to start some painting!

my go city centre tomorrow - first time in 10 months

 Evening

I had such a bad night T^T I had stomach pains and stomach rot from pain killers. I wanted to face Jack in bed as that side felt ok to sleep on compared to the other side - my left side - that hurt 

But he was thrashing in his sleep and kept squishing me and was snoring and robbing covers and ughhhhh I got up twice, even made a bed on the sofa but decided that I couldnt stay there so came to bed after overdosing. I had an awful dream and woke up wet through, so glad it was bed change day. Even Hammington was wet...I woke Jack up and started to peal the covers off him and stopped...

"are you naked!?"

he said "No!!" and pealed the covers down further

I said "thank god, felt sick then. Thought id been next to you naked all night"

poor Jack, thats how he was woken up, me repulsed by the idea of him sleeping naked next to me XD

I felt so out of it this morning. My morning consisted of food and sleep -____-

I went over to my mum's at 10:50am, we had tea and a chat and my brother came to chat which was nice. I said that im having waffles tomorrow and I said to him if he washes and cleans my car (as he does a pro job) that Id buy him a waffle. Cleaning my car wipes me out but its effortless to him.

so he did that after lunch, after we had lunch mum dyed my hair so its all fresh, I also epilated and shaved in the shower so I feel  fresh, then we sat with the girls which was nice. I was home for 3pm

I had fruit loaf when i got home, we went for a walk, then made biscuits and then did dinner. Had Oz in as it was thundering and lightening so I wanted to make sure he was ok. Its totally blown over, 1cm hail stones and all, now its sunny!

So I might do a bit do a bit on my drawing then watch anime with Jack and Oz

tomorrow

we are thinking of going into the city centre - early

I havent actually been in the city centre for about 10months, yup its sure been a while! But with covid, I cant say I fancied it and also everywhere was in lock down!

But more and more people we know are going and say its ok but I am unsure....nothing I need really I just miss going. But I am gonna see how my anxiety is in the morning. Heck my parents have been to the city loads! if they can do it I can! But we shall see. We also have takeaway in the evening with Harvey and Theo. 

I need to plan my weeks so I get the most out my holidays

if I dont go out tomorrow then im working on my drawers

Finally bloody finished this year and got Dedenne!

 Evening

my god thank you sooo much! I have finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like a dream come bloody true

So last night I slept pretty well really

This morning I was parading around saying how much I didnt want to go!!

I hurt

I know why tho. I did something stupid yesterday. I did weights and exercise for 25mins then had a cold bath which I wanted but what I needed was a warm bath to soak and relax my muscles. I had got so cold in the bath I had goosebumps which made me tense up after a work out. Not a good idea

so I hurt

We left Ozwald at home today

At school

as we entered the building we went straight to the cafe for our free breakfast cob

I got bacon and Jack got sausage - he ate both 

I made us both a tea which was was meh tea 

it was a total scrimped out breakfast tho as the tea and coffee wasnt good, no biscuits, 2 rashes of thin bacon and the sausage - when jack bit into it he showed me the inside and it looked the same colour and consistency as the cob....he was effetely eating a cob sandwich 

still, he ate it

we sat with chris and Julia and Karen

nice start to the day, not that anyone was socially distant.....

we went upstairs to the prep room to start the day

I got some more tidying done~

we got given presents and cards of appreciation which was lovely, but Jo cant have any of it. As its alcohol and sweets/chocolate. Jack does well out of my diet!!! But the cards are nice :) And its nice to feel appreciated. 3 out the 4 biologists came up to me individually to thank me for my hard work this year ^^ you can guess the only one who didnt >.> no surprises there

we had lunch with the science department as we may as well and there was leftover fuddle food which Jack took part in. Then about 40mins later it was home time. So easy day but I still found it difficult and tiring just because I was aching so much really and I think yesterday had taken it out of me.

I was glad to get home and go to bed but before then.....Dedenne! jack gave me my Dedenne plush!!!! Its sooooo very cute I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up and 20mins later mum came over for a brew

then an hour later I did some dinner which was good

I did a 15min work out and had a warm bath

now I think we are gonna sit with Oz and have a bit of an earlier night as I am just done. But we can stay up more tomorrow anyway~ we have the whole holiday!!!

So bloody glad

tomorrow I am going over to mum's at 11am for a brew, then lunch, then dye my hair!  

Managed my first full day in weeks!

 Evening

I slept ok but didnt wanna wake up as I knew it would be school

I did wake up like 2 mins before my alarm so I cuddled Jack who said he had a bad dream and didnt sleep well. He said his dream was that he lived in Harvey's house and there was giant ants there.

I said "you probably dreamed that as you upset me and Harveys is where you would end up without me" XD he was like "yeah probably" XD

I did my yoga before school, Jack went to see Oz and came in saying "he was on the garage floor when I walked in?" huh?

I worked out what had happened. I had put Oz home in the dark and hadnt seen/noticed that his door was locked it was shut to but not locked so he had obviously nudged it open in the night and then it has swung closed on him and hes not been able to get home all night....safe to say he was STARVING my god that rabbit was hungry. And he was off to mum's today! mum's flourishing garden T^T

we took him over to mums and I just hoped I wouldnt get angry txt messages from my mother...

school was hard but not as hard as it has been some days

we gave Julia her bday card and her plant present, we were given chocolates from a trainie teacher and the biscuits from the art technician so it was gifts all round. We had the 'fuddle' and I took my own food in and no one said anything, Jack enjoyed his food. I did my 1 practical for just 2 students. I got in contact with Occupational Health finally as I kept forgetting. But said the woman is out of office til 29th. I got loads of washing up that has been piling up. I have a bit more to do but ran out of room on the drying board which is saying something.

Tomorrow at school we start the day with free bacon/sausage sandwich. I will go down for it but I wont have it. Theres usually tea and coffee so I will have a tea~ Jack says he will eat my sandwich on my behalf >.> he benefits greatly from my diet at times! We finish at 1pm too. We have no lessons~ I just hope the day doesnt go dead slow.

We picked Oz up and went home and a brew and snack

then I wanted my dinner as I was hungry and tired but I had my breakfast meat to cook otherwise it would go out of date TT^TT that was a kick in the teeth as I really thought I had zero cooking to do tonight but i got it done. We had dinner and I fell asleep on my bed for half hour.

Now I am here and I need to do some form of exercise if I want to sleep tonight

so tomorrow is half day at school really and then when we get home I get my plush that Jack hid away in the wardrobe and I will give him a new earring. I can't wait for new plush!

Not sure what else I will do with my day as it depends on how tired I am

picture of the fish cakes I made a few weeks ago and I of course made the chips too

because once again he doesnt communicate

 Evening

I could not be bothered to do my diary last night

so yesterday I was tired and achy, I was disappointed that I wasnt able to do all I wanted but I did get some stuff done

we went to a local town in the morning and I got some new earrings from a jewellers theyre just little hoops as my hoops for my ears were just too large. I got paint for my drawers too. The whole shopping experience was tiring tho as I had bad anxiety everywhere! I felt totally fine all morning but as soon as I was in a shop I was just overwhelmed with it all without even thinking about anxiety! So frustrating

We came home and I went to bed

had lunch and then had a warm bath. I didnt have the energy for exercise so I decided on a warm bath

we set off for one last shop as I wanted a canvas to sit and do during the holidays then from there

 we went over to Jack's mums where we had 5 hours with his family and a BBQ it was alright I dont mind seeing them I just find it exhausting having to look well and happy for that length of time without a break! Its intense! 

I drove us home as Jack wanted a drink with his sisters which is fair enough.

we got back around 8:30pm which I was glad about as I had had enough. I was just aching bad

so I managed 25mins of exercise and then we had Oz in whilst we watched Inuyasha then we went to bed and we both slept pretty well

this morning we got up and went food shopping and I was ok today I wasnt anxious

I was tired tho and achy

we unpacked and I had a tea then crawled up on the bed. I knew I had stuff to do but couldnt face it all. However I did pick myself and went to make my soup with Jack, cleaned Oz out who enjoyed helping and then cleaned the bathroom. Had lunch and went to bed

When I got up I couldnt be bothered but I decided to go a walk, using my strength i drove us to the river for a walk round but Jack hardly spoke it was no fun at all. I was really disappointed that the only thing I had actually had time for myself for was a walk with my boyfriend and I had pushed myself and done the river walk for it to be a total grumpfest. 

We came home and I went on the bed

he wanted my opinion on some tshirts and i ordered a couple for myself then went back on the bed and cried as I ached, my pain killers had done nothing all day. I was tired. Jack was in a mood.

He came and we talked about it and he felt bad for being grumpy but it turns out it was cus we had been talking about his birthday and he doesnt like his birthday and doesnt want any fuss made over him. I knew that but I didnt know he hated his birthday so much. I was looking forward to going out for the day with my boyfriend and he doesnt want to. I said "so once again its me upset because you havent told me how you actually feel!" he always bottles up how he feels about something and then I have no idea why hes not happy, think its me and yeah. He needs to work on that. he was sorry and said he doesnt mind going out for his birthday but said to leave it if it doesnt make him happy. I said "we best actually go places in the holidays tho right?" he said "yeah we can go places" we best >.>

i was also fed up as I had biscuits and food to make but was too tired and drained but i got it done somehow

dont want to go school tomorrow ether

just cant face a full day T^T not done a full day in weeks

its also the department "fuddle" where you bring food in and have a bit of a get together

I am bringing stuff in with Jack but I wont actually be having any of it as I cant face that

I just want to get the day done

Oz will be at bunny day care~