cried 3 times before lunchtime

 Evening

So as I got into bed last night I started crying again. Full of self hate and the usual mentalness but Jack cuddled me. After he said "do you need to go wash your face?" (from tears) I said "no I think your pyjama top got it all" he moved it and suddenly felt the sheer wet patch I had made XD

He said I was talking in my sleep but the voice didnt sound like mine. How freaky is that! He said it was deeper. I said to him *after getting over the initial embarrassment*  that my other personality was offering to take over and make everything numb so maybe it was her dreaming? her voice is deeper to mine. He said that given what I was saying he said it made sense as he said, and I quote 'you sounded like a clique anime villain' -_________- good lord. I could have died of embarrassment 

So I did sleep pretty well, but still felt tired

I got to work and within 20mins I was already crying, yup. Just could not cope today with my job, talking to people, thinking, organising, everything....before lunch I had cried 3 times and was very nearly about to go home. But I decided to stick it out. I somehow even got my work done. I did find that putting my new wireless headphones on and wearing them round the prep room doing jobs was actually alright and helped me cope better as I couldnt hear the usual sounds of school which for some reason was causing me stress today.

We came home and I just felt exhausted but I still wanted to see mum, I told her before hand what sort of a day I had had and that she could still come over but as long as shes gone for 5pm. Glad she kept to that as well cus i was running very low on energy by the end of it

we did dinner which was noodles so it was easy enough

then I decided I fancied a walk tonight rather than working out. I thought a walk would do more for my mental health as well so me and Jack went for an evening walk. I enjoyed it and so did he

we got back and I went in the bath, he cleared up from dinner then went in the bath and now we just with Oz. Oz who got to stay in for almost 2 hours after school as it was raining when we got home. He was very lucky but also full of attitude >.>

Looking forward to my bed

tomorrow, its another new day - which is what I said yesterday but was rather unlucky to wake up with my depression cloud. But I hope I can cope better tomorrow. Mum says I am ready for the holidays. I need a full rest. 

Jack is so good an supportive tho. Dont know what I would do without him

Just had enough of people and caring about people

 Evening

I kinda slept but my nose kept getting clogged, you know how colds are >.>

mum said that tilly seems to be doing a bit better at least

it has been getting colder and Oz when I picked him up this morning from the grass was shivering a bit bless him - its not THAT cold yet tho Oz, so I put him home with morning carrot and he soon forgot about being cold.

We took the DT technician to work again. We have had him for 5weeks now but he did announce this morning to us he has brought a car - finally ^^

I was sicky anxious about work today just because of the practical. But I tried so hard with it all and did myself too without Jack holding my hand. I got nailed. But it stressed me out loads

I got the rest of the day done, tried my new headphones also which was good but literally only got to play one song! 

On the way home the DT technician asked to drive by somewhere on the way home - this is the 3rd time I have played taxi for this guy. So I pulled in off the main road to find the place blocked up but I tried to drive up somewhere to find signs everywhere saying "no dropping off or parking or stopping!" followed with "£100 fine!" I felt sick and stressed as I waited the DT technician to come back to my car with a stupid car part he had ordered!! All I could think about was "am I getting a £100 fine now!?" I dont have £100 to waste right now!!!! So I was stressed out and I was sure to tell the technician off my stress when he got back to the car a few mins later. I bit Jack's head off so yeah

he made me fruit loaf and tea when I got home but I felt so sick with stress that I didnt enjoy the treat I look forward to each day >.>

I cried a bit on the bed and Jack cuddled me whilst I ranted off to him that

"i put so much effort into practicals and get stressed by them, and for what? for some members of staff to talk to me like crap, I kindly take a technician to get a car part and I end up worrying and getting stressed out over a potential fine. Why is it I try to be good to people but I get stressed out by it? stress makes my aches so much worse. They go home not giving the day a second through whereas I am left with the stress and pain. I should just stop caring so much about others maybe. Be selfish"

he cuddled me and I decided to get up and do dinner. Wasnt gonna do its self was it.

we had dinner and then I decided to do my diary and then I am gonna try a new GrowwithJo video. Jack offered a walk but I didnt want to get cold cus its kinda dampy cold out there tonight. But he just thought it would calm my head. To calm my head I cut my skin with scissors. Skin is hard to snip but I did  it a blood came straight away, I left it there but gave my mind something else to think about. Hurts now tho, I shall show no one. My underpants cover it so no one will see. I have just had enough

tomorrow is a new day tho

I hope I sleep tonight, at least I can watch anime with Jack tonight as he hasnt come to bed with me for 2 nights now.

No hard practicals tomorrow luckily~

2nd cold in 3 weeks

 Evening

I was awoken by Jack at 11:45pm as he came to bed >.> I got up for pain killers and went back to sleep. I woke up a few times in the night tho. I got up at 7:30am and had breakfast alone, I left Jack for an hour. Then at 9:25am we did our usual weekly shop which wasnt too bad. I found it quite tiring tho as I do have a bit of a cold. I am dizzy headachy and got green snot. But its not as bad as the cold 3 weeks ago at least

We came home, unloaded shopping and sat with Oz with a brew like we usually do on a sunday

then as usual Jack helped me make my soup which tastes amazing this week, I also made biscuits and cooked my meat for the week. I was just in the kitchen for a solid hour cooking.

After lunch I went to bed for an hour as I was exhausted. 

I got up and both me and Jack went to join Ozwald outside. jack gardened and I did 50mins of yoga on the picnic blanket in the sun which was nice.

I went inside and did my sewing I wanted to get done this weekend. Took me longer than I thought but its done now. Just a cover to go over my bookcase so my manga dont get any more sunbleached 

I am hanging it up tomorrow as the hooks holding it up need 24 hours to set. Jack helped me with the hooks which was nice of him. We had tea and a snack then later we did dinner

I got school stuff ready whilst dinner cooked I have a cute outfit this week as I have new purple spacey leggings.

After dinner I once again laid on my bed and fell asleep instantly. Body is tired.

jack woke me and now I am just with him and Oz in the living room. Jack is off to game shortly with harvey and theo. I will sit with Oz then have a nice bath and go to bed from there I think.

I plan to be in bed for 9

tomorrow is school. The final week before 2 weeks off. I hope I can get through this week even with another cold! Got a hard practical tomorrow as well T^T

Tilly is in mourning

 Konbanwa

We were in bed at 11pm my god I was shattered

I woke up at 6:45am for a wee then I slept til 8:45am and I did feel better for actual sleep

but I also didnt feel quite right, my nose felt burny like I had water up it, I had a headache and I felt like poorly achy not just my everyday ache pain. I hope to god that I am not coming down with another cold in the space of 4 weeks >.>

So all morning I was just tired, mum popped a parcel round but didnt stay. She did leave me with the news that Tilly is in mourning....how awful is that. She is missing her mummy mole so much that shes lost 100g in 3 days...thats a lot. Mum says she put her on grass and shes not bothered, she even brought her favourite spinach which they shouldnt eat but mum thought she would treat tilly but no she just walked away from it....she must be sad, Tilly LIVES for food.

Mum is keeping a close eye on her an monitoring her weight. She is giving her plenty of love. Truffle seems ok. Since today mum has brought an edible toy for them and Tilly seems to be enjoying that. Its just so sad. I told mum that Tilly needs a baby pig to raise and she was like "Im trying not to get another pig if I can help it!" she doesnt want any fights or it to upset them.

I laid on my bed with the intent of going to sleep but decided if i stay in bed all day I really will hurt so I asked Jack if he wanted to go for a morning walk as it was so nice and so thats what we did for about 50mins. It was nice but tiring

I cleaned Oz out as my god did that rabbit need cleaning out. But its because hes caged up during school :/ and not able to play out til late as the nights are shorter. He helped me a bit

I then cleaned the bathroom and did a few other chores then had lunch. Then went to bed for 2 hours as I felt awful but after  my sleep I didnt feel any better!! what a total waste of time T^T 

I didnt do much with my afternoon as I was just dead, I kept Jack company a bit whilst he gardened.

We did dinner and then had baths and Jack has gone to game with Theo tonight think hes staying up late but I selfishly want to watch anime with him before I go to bed. I might ask him...

I did a bit more on my drawing so I am glad I managed to do a bit of that. I didnt get any sewing done today as I am not in the right frame of mine to do that. But hopefully tomorrow!

tomorrow

got weekly shop, soup to make, meat to cook for my breakfasts and then I have the rest of the day free. I just hope I feel ok tomorrow and not have a full blown cold

Tilly is missing Molly

 Evening

Mum said she slept okish after losing Molly. She said that Tilly - who was always next to her mummy Molly - is still looking round for Molly and its very said to see. She has truffle but she loved her mummy mole. Mum put her on the grass and normally Tilly doesnt move from where you place her as shes that keen to start eating but mum said she didnt seem interested in the grass. Everytime mum has put her back in her cage, Tilly has gone looking to see if Molly is there. So sad, but she will get there. 

I went to have my morning biscuit so find my last two that I had budgeted for today had gone mouldy!! HOW!? I looked at it contemplating picking the mould off but Jack looked at me and was like "no bin it" I had a strop so he did me fruit loaf. I had all mould inside my biscuit tin and he said "you dont clean it out do you?" errr nooo? its never been cleaned out ^^; he said "well thats me cleaning it after every use" 0_0' 

I had school this morning - biscuit-less school >.>

when we picked up the DT technician, he gave me a home grown pumpkin!!! he found out this week my love of pumpkins and said I could have one of the eight he had managed to grow. I was so surprised as I didnt think I would actually get a pumpkin AND its so damn perfect too!!! more like a beach ball than pumpkin!

I was doing well, got a big practical on monday so that filled with me with anxiety and I have been dizzy and headachy today. I got all my jobs done but didnt manage to do much art, instead I cleared up the prep room.

We came home and had a quick brew then didnt stop

I helped cut Jack's hair and I was sweating before, during and after his hair cut. I was then going to do some exercise whilst he showered but I was so hot and sweaty (not sure why) that I thought id make myself ill if I made myself even hotter. So I thought I would calm down and do some baking. But through the whole of baking I was dripping with sweat. At this point I was starting to feel angry as well. And poor Jack would be in the firing line as hes the only one around. He came out the shower and I dived in. I told him afterwards why I showered and I felt a lot better for cooling off in the shower.

We had dinner when I finished drying up and getting dressed

then I near enough went straight over to pick mum up, we went to TK MAXX and I got a new top as I am struggling to find autumn wear in my wardrobe. I have tshirts and winter wear so jumpers but no like long sleeve tops. Its too warm for jumpers but my arms are cold but I dont seem to have anything that isnt a jumper. so I got that, some diffusion oils for Jack, some skin products, and a bluetooth headset as I keep breaking my headphones at work. So I am trying cableless now as its the cable i keep snagging. They were only £15, no point in having anything nice for work.

I got home and unpacked then I got Oz in and now just waiting for Jack but I cant stop yawning. I am shattered. I havent stopped. 

Tomorrow think I am gonna do the bookcase covering and maybe some drawing. and of course my 1000 weekly house chores. Its just nice not to have to get up to an alarm

We lost Molly - Molly appreciation post

 Evening

I slept well but my mum didn't, she keeps thinking about Molly....

So today work started alright and I was getting through my jobs even if I was a bit scatter brained and jumping from one thing to another. I also decided that I wanted a sugar binge today so I ate a lot of biscuits.....

I was ready for lunch but upon sitting down with my lunch I had checked my phone to find a 27 second video from mum. My stomach flipped when I saw it. It was of Molly heaving. We've had this once before with our pig Lily. And she died a long death and was doing these heaving things all through the night and in the morning we put her to sleep as she was not well.

mum left me message

"Molly is doing these heaving actions, ring me when you can"

Piggies dont have the reflux muscle to cant be sick so its odd to see them heave.

she has lost even more weight and is now 827g compared to a week ago of over 1100g

So I put my lunch down and rang mum - knowing really, what had to be done

I was planning on having 'the talk' with mum tonight but it seems Molly has gotten worse quicker than I thought.

Mum was obviously upset she loves that pig. We agreed that the kindest thing was to have Molly put to sleep. Mum said Molly's eye had begun to water and she just looks tired and fed up. Shes lost the sparkle in her eye. I offered to ring the vets up on mum's behalf. She was grateful of that as she said she thinks she will just break down on the phone

so I rang the vets - arranging for a death. I hate it

I got off the phone and bravely rang my mum

"they've had a cancelation so can you be down in half an hour?"

so sudden but I guess it gets molly out of pain and mum is just waiting for it all day

I couldnt escape work or even get the vets in half an hour so mum had to go alone. I wish I could have been there to support her....

I cried for 10mins after that phone call to mum. Its not nice arranging a death, knowing im losing a pig and not being able to see her one last time. And also upsetting my mum and knowing the heart ache she has to go through. She really loves molly. I know you shouldnt have favourites but molly certainly was my mums.

She sent me a txt later saying it was done and dad had come home to bury her in the garden.

It was a relief in a way as it wasnt nice seeing her in such a way and clearly the antibiotics werent doing a damn thing which I knew they wouldnt. I think she was just riddled with cancer.

I rang mum again and asked if she was ok and the she said she was. It was the same vet that saw her on Tuesday and she didnt faff with Molly, she just took her and did the deed. The vet said molly went quickly. She mustnt have had much strength left I am guessing

I finished work and we left 5 mins home I had got a bad headache and sore eyes, I had worked hard

Mum came over with Tilly and Truffle. Dont think its hit tilly whats happened yet. Tilly was always with mummy mole. But I had a fuss of them and put them in my garden. Jack sat and had a cup of tea with us and then went outside to garden with Oz

Mum is ok and says she knows she made the right decision and that Molly had a great life, we rehomed her after all. Think she lived til ether 4/5 years old we will never know.

Mum went home and we had dinner, then I laid on my bed exhausted 

did 10mins of exercise which was all I could managed, a bath then just with Ozwald

tomorrow is school and its mental health awareness day so its wear something yellow. Im using it as a non-uniform day so yellow tshirt and leggings. Jack and Julia are going in full uniform the suckers

I hope I sleep and I hope the girls and mum sleeps

Molly, we had her for just over 2 years. On tuesday we had tilly and truffle for 2 years and Molly died this Thursday so she has raised them for exactly 2 years. She did her motherly duty of raising those two sows. She was such a loving motherly pig and so gentle but protective - she would never let Oz near her babies! Even tho he is anything but threatening XD we have had some good memories with Molly and I glad she got to have a good life with us and mum. We rescued her at about a year old and she had been starved and forgotten by someone with mental health problems. Mum soon fattened her up and got her trusting people. I hope she is at peace

amazing how it varies

 Evening

I feel I didn't sleep too well. I kept waking up cold and achy which wasnt nice. I also got up for a wee. I felt tired when i got up this morning.

I was anxious in the car about school

and I have had an off day - mentally - today

I have teared up at work, I got frustrated with myself. I have allowed myself to be mentally drained which has drained my energy. Jack ended up helping me a lot today with my jobs as I was just so done. I felt like I weighed double. Everything was an effort. I couldnt wait to go home

I had a lot of practicals, I got spoken to rudely by a certain teacher who I dont like. She is so rude to me which sets my anxiety off massively. Sometimes I feel stupidly anxious about fetching her stuff in from her classroom as I am worried about what she is going to say to me. Its no bullying, shes just rude.

We got home and I had a tea and some fruit loaf then 50mins in bed as I was done. Jack went to garden with Oz. Wish I had that energy. Then I did 30mins of yoga which was hard but felt better for doing it. We had dinner and now I think I will have a bath.

Doing nothing else tonight anyway

Jack was gaming last night but came to bed the same time as me as Harvey and Theo were tired so they all finished at 9pm! I think Jack is coming to bed with me tonight. I wish to be cuddled up with him.

I want an easy night of nothingness

tomorrow is school

got the same amount of practicals TT^TT

I hope theres no tears tomorrow tho

I wish to have a better day tomorrow

amazing how mental health varies day to day - hour to hour

yesterday I did really well at work. Totally different story today