Photo of me and granny from 2005

 Evening~~

I kinda gave up waiting for midnight last night

we did stay up longer and I was hand sewing something on my jacket and jack was reading next to me. Then we played pokemon in bed but I didnt want to wake up late in the morning and ruin half my day. So I crawled into a ball and tried to sleep, I heard the fireworks at midnight then slept til 3am to which I needed a wee. Then I slept til 8am

This morning I cleaned Oz out and it looked so nice out that Jack suggested we do a walk

I wanted to go shops just to get out. I felt quite penned in and the looming sense of school on the horizon. So we decided to walk to TK MAXX and yeah we left the house at 10am and got back at 12....

the shop was dead. No one was shopping there was also next to nothing on the shelves. It was a bit of a wasted journey but nice to get out. I got a pair of trainers reduced from £65 to £6 and face sheets reduced from £8 to £4. So yeah that was alright really

then we had to walk back

I was so tired and achy

It wasnt cold or anything it was just a long time to be on my feet

so we got home, got lunch then I tried to go sew but felt so tired and achy and grouchy

Jack told me to go bed but I didnt want to but in the end I went for 45mins and felt no better, so turned to drugs and felt a bit better

I sat doing my jacket, the jacket that has tested me all holiday. To be honest I have had enough of seeing it!! But because I want it to look good and improve on my jacket making skills I have been taking my time with it. I brought Oz in at 3pm and sat with him whilst working on my jacket as some of it I was hand sewing - tacking. Then I left him to sew it up, only left him 5mins he was fine.

Then I did dinner which Jack really enjoyed and its so cute when we come through with dinner as Oz comes running up to us wanting his evening carrot - i love watching him then run off with it. Like Id take it back! 

I then rang mum as she wanted to talk to me, nothing major it was all mundane but think she needed to talk to a female. Then I had a bath, then looked at how to make a lined draw string bag as mum wants me to make one for her friend. I dont mind doing it at all. I just want to get it right.

I had asked my brother to photoshop an image of me and granny, which I then want to frame and give to mum on mothers day. I said it can be a joint present as hes edited it and I will buy the frame.

but his skills are so good

heres what he produced for me

the original

This was taken 2005 - I am 13 here. What a precious photo tho. Me and my granny. I would give anything to have 5 minutes with her again

I might start the draw string bag tonight as Jack is gaming with theo til late. Told him id rather him game late tonight that tomorrow or monday. i want to get into a good sleep routine before school. so I am by myself tonight as I just took Oz to bed.

tomorrow is food shop, back into our sunday routine~

Last day of 2021

 Evening~~

It's the last day of 2021! 

I got off to sleep ok last night but woke up at 1am for a wee then slept til 8am and left Jack in bed he woke up at 9:30am

but jesus christ waking up, I felt like I had been in a car accident in the night

I hurt a lot from my massage -_______-

I worked on my jacket and mum came over at 11am for a cup of tea and brought Ozwald's birthday present too, it looks good. A tube made of willow I am sure he will like it. He gets it next friday when he turns 5! Mum said she will bake a cake ^^

I had lunch then did a bit more sewing but I was so tired and crippled, I reluctantly went to bed for an hour. When I got up I asked Jack if we could go for a short walk. I felt so exhausted doing our 40min walk. We came in and had a cup of tea

then I did some more sewing, the sleeve cuffs really challenged me >.> I was patient and got it done but it took far longer than it should have...

we did dinner, it was a different meal. it was left over chicken with scrambled egg in a wrap, then salad on the side. Yeah it was good. We also finished darker than black :) not sure what we are going on to next actually

Then I had a bath, but I could hear Oz thudding in the living room, Jack was trying to calm him down but its me he wants. So I got out and dressed and fussed him. I cut Jack's hair as well as he was a bit untidy to say the least.

Now just doing my diary on the living room floor with him

Not sure what we are doing tonight and how long I will keep Oz inside for.

we said we might play pokemon in bed til midnight and I might keep Oz in til 9ish 

I shall see. Depends how tired I am and how the fire works are.

But anyway this is the last post of 2021!!

So this year....lets see.....

well first off my goals for this year which I set this time last year were

to keep working full time

to be able to look after myself in my home and working life

to get my craft room up and running and to do all my craft work from my own home

to keep up with my art and crafts and japanese - its important to find time for myself

to not get snowed under with life and put too much on myself

to put myself first, ask for help, not be hard on myself, and bloody look after myself more

So I am still working full time - however I did have practically all of the summer term off sick from work. I think I burned myself out. With work, the house, exercising, dieting. Looking back, I really wasnt kind to myself...

Look after myself in home and working life - I am still exercising each day and eating home cooked food. But once again I know I havent been totally able to look after myself I suppose. I do self destruct myself. I rely on Jack to help a lot with the house work. But I am trying. Its hard as this is the first full year of working AND living from the family home. Its A LOT

my craft room! its done really! its so much better than when we moved in. It feels like MY room and its so nice to be able to leave stuff out each day without having to pack it all away. I LOVE my craft room. I am still doing wall art but theres no rush with that and i might get some shelving but not sure yet. All my fabric is over and my sewing stuff so I can do my stuff from here now :) I have a lovely welsh dresser full of my paper crafts. The under the stairs cupboard is full of fabric. To be honest I am still learning where I have put everything...

keeping up with arts and craft, well I know I didnt do as much as what I did in 2020, as I have a house now and a full time job. Both require time and energy....T^T so my arts and crafts has suffered however I am still doing them. I didnt give them up! I still do Duolingo app on my phone each day and I was in the top 5% of the hardest workers on it this year ^^ I am also reading Japanese Kanji information posts on instagram. So I am still educating myself on Japanese

and as for putting too much on myself....well I know I have been too hard on myself. I expected a lot on myself in the summer months. I was losing weight and trying to do the house up and work and yeah it was a lot on me. I guess I wasnt asking for help. I burned myself out and ended up being no good to anyone. Jack had to go to work by himself. I was around the house in a coma like state just recovering. It wasnt fun and probably could have been prevented.

what happened this year?

well in the last month I have lost 3 people, they have sadly passed away. One being Karen who was very important to me, she did so much for me and helped me recover from my illness. She met me at 20 when I was at my worst and really helped me. The other was Lynn's husband den who was such a character and always treated me to food, and sewing things. He was very kind to me. And i could tell he loved Lynn who had been mistreated by men, I was happy she had someone like him in her life. Lastly was Brian, my mum walks with his wife and I used to run with him when I used to be in running club 3 years ago. Mum still walks with his wife each week and has supported her through his sudden illness, he was very gentle and kind.

we lost Molly mole, she was so lovely and raised Truffle and Tillie. Mum still misses molly and tillie has become a mini mole XD

My friends - most of them - have turned 30! we are entering our 30's the next decade of life. Some have got married, planning weddings, planning children. 30's looks like it will bring a lot of changes. And potentially change our friendship dynamic but I am not afraid I want to embrace the change. I know that children arent an option for me but I wish to support my friends who do choose to have children.

we did a lot of the house up, we had our bathroom ripped out start of January and finished end of January and I love our bathroom, I clean it every week without fail. We started on the garden and made a good dent in it, all to try make it more manageable for ourselves but we are yet to finish. We decorated every room tho. Id like the kitchen ripped out but its money....

I started my biology GCSE, which I find difficult but I would like to continue and see it through over the next few years

so what it is it I want for this year?

Well I know I want to get more of the garden done!!! Get to a point where its easy to manage

keep going with my biology GCSE, ask for help if I need it without worrying about looking stupid

I want to keep going with my exercises mainly my weights. I want to become stronger. I dont want to be muscly I am not into that look but I just want to be stronger and strengthen my joints.

too keep enjoying living with my Jack and love him to pieces as I do. I want our relationship to remain strong like it has done this year. We are certainly a lot stronger this year for living together.

I want to try and take better care of myself. I need to stop and rethink before i burn myself out. Its not fair to myself and does no one any favours if I become in such a state. So I think I need to be more honest with how I am actually feeling. Put myself first instead of work, instead of pleasing others, instead doing things in the day i THINK i should be doing. I  do not need to live up to pressures I put on myself. No one put these pressures on me, so why should I do it to myself?

to try and take a few more photos of myself. I think I took about 2 or 3 of myself this year and even then they had to be taken on a good mental day. I have been hating the way I look. And why? why should I feel this way? because of this, I have no way to physically look back. I have no evidence of myself. and its....sad....I know I will regret this. So I need to get over the way I am feeling about myself and proudly take photos of myself. for my future self

I think these are all things I can work on in the year. Its still difficult with corona so I had to choose more mindfully. And theres things Id love to do with the house but thats a joint decision and one based on money AND my stress levels/mental ability.

so I think thats it

I hope my friends and family are healthy this year, I am very lucky to have had anther year with my amazing bunny. I hope hes around this time next year!

Let's welcome 2022 with a smile its twenty-tutu~

last massage of the year and it was good~

 Evening

My pierced ear is sore >< 

Last night I couldnt sleep I was aching and felt very sick

think taking tablets on a salad didnt help matters so Jack got up with me and I had some fruit loaf and biscuits and I did feel better

we were back in bed for midnight

I dreamed again

I also got 10 hours sleep

making it 10am when i woke up....> <

My mum rang me and said she was on a walk and could she pop in for a brew so she did that at 10:45am so I just about had time to sort my self out she came in when I was just finishing my skin care off

its good to see her tho

I then did 40mins of yoga and really ached afterwards

we had lunch

then I did some sewing and my jacket it looking more like a jacket now ^^

then I had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack before I went to my massage

which felt so damn good 

I came in had a bath, did dinner, and felt wiped out after all that

I am done -_____- Jo is ready for bed

told jack to go game with theo as I need an early night >< I am so shattered

so I will go have a hot chocolate, play pokemon, sleep.

thats me done

tomorrow

just sewing really~

couldnt remember how much id taken ^^;

 Evening

I was by myself last night which I told Jack - several times - its fine

and it was 

But I didnt count on aching as much as I did

and I took extra pain killers and tried to sleep

I heard someone say - a mans voice - "are you ok?" so that made my heart hammer, obviously no one was there I do just hear things on the odd occasion 

it was 1:30am when I looked the time and i was like "man" T^T

next thing I knew I could hear footsteps outside at the side of the house, I think I must have been asleep about half hour, so I was half asleep listening thinking "just what is jack doing?"

then when I woke up a bit more I could hear Jack was actually in the bathroom

but I could also hear these footsteps outside, so I laid and listened

then outside wasnt going on so I was like "just what the hell!?"

when Jack came out the bathroom did I notice for the first time that those footsteps sounds were actually a very odd popping noise my stomach was making. it was a very odd sound. I was still like half asleep

I could feel my heart hammering tho. When Jack climbed into bed I told him I was awake

he asked if I was ok and it was like 2am

I said "no my stomach doesnt sound right, my heart is hammering and i feel sick and not well"

he asked "how much have you had"

and when I thought about it

i didnt know

I actually couldnt remember how much I had taken from 9pm onwards....

so of course this panicked him. He tried not to panic but i could tell he was worried

he offered to get up with me and make me some fruit loaf as usually eating helps

I had earlier at 9pm a milk hot chocolate and at 11ish I had a biscuit

so I had had something

we got up and he turned the lights on and was like "jesus Jo you dont look good"

I looked at myself and I looked like a druggy, I just looked awful

he made me fruit loaf and we were up til 3am til I felt a bit better and he said I looked better but blamed it all on his self

i said "how is this your fault!?" he said "cus I wasnt around to see you take drugs, I wasnt around to make you fruit loaf"

not his fault. I wasnt self inflicting myself or anything I just was getting desperate as nothing was working and kinda forgot how many drugs I had taken ><

safe to say he's decided not to game tonight XD

so we went to bed at 3am and he fell asleep like instantly

and was snoring

I still couldnt sleep so I got up, went on my laptop, pinned some fabric, was up til 4:30am anyway

I had set an alarm for 8am as I needed to get up for food shop

So I did get some sleep, and even managed to have a dream

we got the food shop done but I felt a bit rough round the shop

we got back and had a cup of tea then I went to bed for 90mins

I got up we had lunch then I went over to mum's for a bit to see her and her freshly bathed sows then I came in at 3pm finally got to do some sewing.

did some dinner which was salad. salad that was obviously cold. cold food gives me stomach ache

how can i forget!? so i had stomach pains for a while

I could not be arsed to do a work out but did about 25mins of weights

had a bath now I am gonna watch anime and have hot chocolate and play pokemon in bed ^^

tomorrow

just got a massage at 4pm so I plan on doing some yoga before then

I also would like to do some sewing as I hardly did any today probably less than an hour

Pierced my ear

 Evening

Keep thinking about Karen. 

I went to bed by myself as Jack was gaming

But I got up. I decided I would pierce my ear in remembrance of Karen. I have had a self piercing kit thing for months now but just couldnt bring myself to pierce my ear again >< But last night I got the courage to do it. Thinking what ever I put in that hole will be special and make me think of her. It will be my final piercing. My last and 9th piercing. 

Weirdly I didnt feel anything!! I could feel a slight throb when I got back into bed tho. It soon went and I soon fell asleep.

I woke up at 1:30am for a wee but got back off to sleep til 8:30am! Jack was awake and I expected him to go back to sleep but he got up. He said he was up til 2am. I didnt even hear him come to bed! I fell asleep that quickly under my weighted blanket. I have also had dreams the last 2 nights. something that had stopped the few months. I dream EVERY night without fail and theyre very vivid but they had stopped. Maybe that was because my sleep quality was bad? Maybe I was so drained? dont know. But last two nights ive had vivid dreams again which also helps keep me asleep

I told Jack about my ear. He was ok about it. I didnt tell him I did it for Karen and I want to have a special earring in it

We had Ozwald in and then we put him outside. I did a bit of sewing then mum came over at 11am for a brew it was good to see her. I didnt tell her I had pierced my ear.

she ranted off about living with two autistic men XD how hard  it. How we do nothing as a family cus of dad and how shes trapped in her relationship 

what do i say? I get told off for saying "you chose to marry him" XD so I dont say it anymore.

she reluctantly left at 12:15pm and Jack came down stairs to have lunch with me

I did a bit more sewing but it makes me tired and achy

I laid on the bed for an hour, had a brew and then did a bit more sewing whilst jack sat with Oz. But I dont feel like I have gotten that far with it all!! Its very slow but some of it is because I want to do a detailed jacket not a plain one.

we had dinner then I am just doing my diary in the lounge with Oz and Jack

I will go on just dance with my weights after this then have a bath

Jack will have the bath after me then hes going to go game late with theo again

he was going to have an evening with me but I told him to go make the most of having late nights during the holidays. We go back to work on tuesday after all!

so I am by myself again tonight. its fine I can cope

tomorrow

going food shopping so we have enough food til sunday then we will be back on our normal sunday shopping routine. Need to go doctors to drop a prescription in but thats it really rest of the day will hopefully be mine!

my brother had his covid booster yesterday and he feels rough today. Glad he got it done even tho he says its the last one hes getting done >.>

Karen...

 Evening~~

We watched anime and stuff last night, then I checked my phone at 9:15pm. My mum had txt me at 8:30pm saying Karen had passed away peacefully and pain free.....jesus it had really happened. I couldnt really speak for a while as I knew id break out in tears and I didnt want to do that right before bed time. But I couldnt stop thinking about her, how much she did for me, and her poor family left behind....its awful. Such a beautiful soul. I had never met someone with such love and kindness for life. She taught me so much. She helped me so much. I am truly blessed to have known her. she truly was one in a million. I just cant quite get over that I will never ever see her again. Its a hard pill to swallow. Her poor family tho.....

I managed to get off to sleep even tho I was aching. I was under both the weighted blanker AND the duvet. I woke up at 1:30am dripping in sweat. I had over heated!!!! I woke Jack up and we were up for an hour whilst I waited for numerous pain killers to kick in

I slept after that til 8am, I left Jack to sleep he woke up at 9am. I was already with Oz and had breakfast

I let Oz play outside today even tho it was wet and cold and he appreciated playing out which was nice.

I had fallen back to sleep after breakfast >< Jack said maybe the work out I did last night was too big....

I got up at 11am and went on my phone for a bit and then spoke to my brother

We had lunch at 12:30pm

then we tackled something I knew Jack didnt want to do.....mount the Dyson bracket to the wall

that means DRILLING. Jack HATES drilling it fills him with anxiety and stress. Not sure why. So I supported him every step of the way even if he was a bit stressy >< 

But he did it!! such an achievement I knew he could do it ^^ he just needs confidence!

So the Dyson is good to go

then I worked on my jacket, finally......

I got it all cut out which took a fair amount of time

we had a brew together as Jack had been gaming

we had Oz in

my mum rang me saying she felt suicidal with my dad's company. She needed to hear a female voice

then had dinner around 5pm as I was hungry

Then I fell asleep after dinner but Jack woke me up and I did a work out. I chose a 45min long video but Jack told me not to do it all and so I only got to do 30mins >.>

I had a nice bath

now Jack is in the bath then hes gaming with Theo tonight, he wants a late night. So hes not coming to bed with me.

So I dont know whether to do some sewing or drawing before I settle down for the night.

I shall see how I feel

Tomorrow

mum is coming over in the morning for a brew. Dad will still be at home, she needs space from him....

apart from that another day to do hobbies I guess

weighted blanket

 Evening

So last night we tried the weighted blanket....Jack did not like it and didnt even attempt to sleep with it. I found it a bit crushing and I could not move it, its just far too heavy so I had to get Jack to position it on me. I slept on top of the duvet but under the blanket, however I know I had times in the night when I was cold in my sleep. 

But apart from that I SLEPT....maybe theres something in this weighted blanket

also what I found interesting was that I had gone to bed really quite achy, normally I would be up til midnight with Jack taking more pain killers but last night, I got off to sleep. That NEVER happens!!

I will be trying it again tonight~

We got up at 8am and I had a bit of breakfast Jack didnt want any XD

He kindly hung my pokemon pictures on the wall in my craft room and my cousins canvas

I took the christmas tree down, christmas is done with for another year woop!

we didnt have lunch and I went to bed, I was so frustrated!!!! I wanted to do stuff but my body was tired and achy and I couldnt think. Jack said to go to bed for an hour and then I will be good to go

so he put me under my weighted blanket and I soon dropped off

I was cobby when I woke up

I was so annoyed, i felt no better!!!

so I sat with Oz in the lounge as Jack gamed on his new game for 3 hours straight

I was unpicking a jacket I want to use the templates for with my new jacket and of course I was fussing the lad

I made some biscuits then microwaved our dinner which took a lot longer than I thought but hey it was easy I guess

Then after dinner I wrote my 2022 calendar, birthdays etc

now going to do a bit of drawing then do a work out! 

I want to get back into my weights, I am not strong. And not being able to move that 6kg blanket around is pathetic so I need to train my muscles if I am to get stronger.

I would like to get stronger in this next year.

oh here's my drawing so far

Tomorrow

no plans really so hopefully I will get more done, we are going to find some where to mount the dyson, we charged it up today but we dont know where to put it yet ^^;

 I will have another go with my weighted blanket tonight~