my legs and burns

 Evening

We were watching RWBY last night and I wanted to watch 2 episodes so it was like 35mins of TV time. During that time I sat with the heat lamp on my legs. I was laying there thinking "this is the perfect distance from the lamp, it feels so nice, I hope I can recreate this next time". We finished watching anime and I went to the toilet and Jack heard me say "whoops" he said "whats wrong? what have you done?" I came through with my pyjama bottoms down to reveal....slightly burnt legs ^^; yup that delightful feeling I was feeling in front of the lamp was actually my skin burning! it must have felt nice to me as that 'pain' was a different feeling to my constricting growing pains pain in my legs so it felt nice to me. Never once thought "maybe my skin is cooking" so I had red blotches on the tops of my knee caps. Didnt hurt and I wasnt bothered. I was gonna photograph it and send it to mum but through the camera lens it actually looked like a full on burn! so I thought I best not send her that ^^; 

We were in bed at 8pm I think it was last night!! XD so early! But we were playing pokemon together which was nice. I stopped playing at 8:50pm to go to sleep. I had nothing more to give yesterday.

I slept pretty well again last night til 5am anyway. No extra pain killers were needed

This morning tho, my legs T^T the burns had disappeared so it was a relief that I hadnt damaged my skin too much there! but i couldnt walk that well. I knew realistically I should stay home but I didnt want to.

I pushed myself to go to school, I just hate working from home so much!!!

School was ok, I had chris come see how I was, Lizi popped by too so I had social time today. But all morning for 2 hours odd I didnt stop. I was on the go and struggling to walk. I couldnt wait for a sit down but I just had so much to do. But after my cup of tea I didnt get that much work done to be honest. I was spent. 

I went home and had lunch with mummy and Ozwald. She keeps bringing him banana or apple and he loves it. so cute watching him run off with it in his mouth.

mum left me to sleep and I had an hour

then I got up for a cup of tea and some more flap jack mum brought over for me she made. 

I ordered her a new make up bag as she told me shes after one, hopefully what i ordered is ok.

Then I made Jack some lunch for tomorrow, did him tomato, bacon and cheese. Hes gonna love it but I told him its  a surprise, he will never guess hes got bacon! Mum brought me bacon over for my stew as I forgot to by some to put in my thai curry stew today so half the packet I cut up and mixed in the stew the other half I laid on top of the stew to cook in the slow cooker. 

I havent been able to exercise, my legs are struggling so much so I decided to have an early bath and have dinner in our pyjamas. So I went for a bath then Jack came home and hes in the bath now. We will  have dinner, hobby time, anime, switchs in bed.

tomorrow

i gotta be real and admit defeat, i need to work from home tomorrow T^T I dont wanna but im gonna have to. mum says she will pop in and see me tho some point in the day :)

I shall try not burn my legs tonight, even tho i feel like sawing them off

Green Nails

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night ^^ Jack played on pokemon next to me too :D

I got ready for school, despite sleeping I still felt tired T^T

School was ok, but I was so scatty, I could not think straight at all. It was frustrating and I must have looked crazy going from task to another. I think I got my jobs done tho. 

I got home and had lunch with Ozwald, Oz who decided to make a break for it out the lounge, found him upstairs!!! I cant remember the last time he even attempted the upstairs!! I had massive sweat on in case he had found Jack's computer cables...luckily it all looks intact 0.0 He then was mounting me in front of mum -______- 

Mum left me and I went to sleep for an hour, felt no better. Once I was up I had a biscuit and caffeine but nothing was helping, I started doodling but wasnt happening I just couldnt focus so I pretty much just monged out on youtube and then I did 15mins of dumbells as I cant do much more with throbbing to death  legs

jack came home, we prepped stew for tomorrow and then we did dinner which was easy and so damn good we would have it again.

Now I will go for a bath then maybe attempt some art with the rest of my evening? I am pleased with my first green nails, green isnt a colour I wear but I wanted to try it. They came out well

tomorrow

school really, about it

up til 2

 Evening

So my Jack got home at about 9:15pm, but didnt come into bed for another hour as he had a bath and then said he was hungry so he was sat in the lounge snacking on chocolate and crisps...I was trying to sleep but my body hurt and I couldnt get comfy at all. Jack gave me a quick cuddle in bed and just dropped off to sleep. He was then thrashing in his sleep, grinding his teeth, mumbling and talking. At 11:30pm I got up for extra pain killers and stayed up til midnight, I crawled back to bed and tried again.

failed.

still couldnt sleep cus of pain, and Jack. Honestly. So I was up taking yet more pain relief that I didnt want to take but I was getting desperate. I was up til 2am I was up in 4 hours time

god I felt so rough this morning. I needed sleep so bad. But I got up and ready as I didnt want to work from home. 

On the way to school I told Jack about my crappy night and he said I should have woke him. But i hate waking him up.

School, was quite hard. I was busy. I just had a lot to do. 

I told mum not to come have lunch with me as all I wanted to do was sleep. But on the way home I decided to drop in on her, she was happy and surprised. I had a quick milk hot chocolate and sat with the girls who are so fluffy and soft!! Tilly already has a grass stain T^T

I left and came home for lunch with loaf. I went to bed leaving him on plush pad but I could hear him thudding, which isnt like him so I went through to him and he was one unhappy bun. i couldnt get him from behind the sofa he was thudding like mad. So I went outside to check for cats etc but nothing. I eventually got Oz and he had been panting so much he made himself sweaty under his nose. He had been really stressed and upset so I stayed with him to reassure him then we both went to sleep for an hour

I had a cup of tea with him then i did some weights, then started cooking the dinner, took me ages to do dinner and Jack's lunch. Jack was late home as he was late leaving, I was glad I had already worked out. Dinner was so nice tho, then I went outside with Oz to water the garden. I had a cuddle for 15mins on the bed with jack as we havent spent much time together lately so it was nice just having a quiet cuddle together. He loves me very much ^^ I love him very much to he is my life ^^

I had a bath and now just doing diary. We will watch RWBY then play pokemon in bed. Jack hasnt played pokemon for over a week but he says he will join in tonight as hes been playing that boat game. I have over taken him on pokemon!

God I hope I sleep tonight. I need bloody sleep!!!

tomorrow

school really, about it. I hope I can go as my legs hurt like a bitshhhh~

Bichi.Mao entry

 Evening

Couldnt sleep, what else is new? was up til midnight with Jack

I slept through after I had extra pain killers but Jack made me set an alarm for 7:30am >.> cus he needed to get up and leave. He told me to stay in bed but I knew if I didnt get up and have breakfast with him then I wouldnt see him til he climbs into bed tonight! so I got up and bought the lad in, he can never wait to lick my face when I pick up out his cage in the morning. Usually Jack brings him in first thing in the morning so he likes it when I do it for a change ^^

Jack left me, and I could tell he was a bit worried about doing so but assured him I didnt feel as bad as yesterday. 

I was 'suppose' to see Mia this morning but she didnt txt me and I didnt txt her. I was secretly hoping to not have to socialise today simply because I wasnt in the mood and was short on energy so I didnt txt her but if she txt me I would have accepted that I would need to actually socialise. But at it goes I spent the morning alone. Well I spent it with Ozwald

I got my picture finished for a competition on instagram for Bichi.mao I know I have no chance in winning but mum and Jack said I should at least try. You can win a new tablet and seeing as mine in 12 years old I thought I would give it a shot.

I have no confidence in drawing cats tho... I tried to keep it in the style of Bichi.mao by using the same colour palette 

My brother came and picked me up at midday and dropped me off at mums. I then had lunch with mum then dad came home. I sat and sheered truffs, it was the first time I used Oz's clippers on her and I thought she would hate it but she seemed to enjoy it! she was shutting her eyes!! it was so strange she must have felt so relaxed. I obviously scissored her face. I thinned Tilly's fur out as hers in long and dense round the rump. Then we bathed them both. Mum was very grateful. The girls were so good they didnt fight or squeak throughout the whole pamper. And now mum says theyre all fluffy and sofa and truffs is purring, she must feel much better

Mum dropped me off and I went to bed for an hour I was so tired but in all honesty it did nothing for me I felt no better afterwards and so I had a brew with Oz once i was up

When I had that I decided to cook the sheer amount of meat I had got to cook, took me almost an hour to cook it all! I also made Jack his wraps for his lunch tomorrow in that time. I then did my dinner as I was quite hungry after being round food for an hour! I was so full afterwards tho @.@ 

Its now 6:30pm and Jack hasnt even left his Nan's in Birmingham yet and thats almost 2 hours from us then hes got to drive 30mins from his mums! Lord knows what time that guy is gonna be home

After dinner I ordered some skin care to try that was on offer. I am always going to have skin and so I store stuff away I buy it in when its offer. Especially if theres stuff I wanna try!

I feel like I need to do some sort of work out as I did nothing yesterday, my muscles are so tensed up too so I feel I need to do something you know. I am trying to have a bath last minute so its not stone cold when Jack gets home but I am wondering if he will even have time for a bath at this rate!! I want my Jack but I am glad I am not there I would be in so much pain and mega stressed about getting home and getting into bed on time.

I will probably watch something on tv tonight so I can sit in front of the heat lamp and have a hot chocolate and I will have a pamper once I am out the bath too

I will probably play pokemon in bed too~

yeah today hasnt been too bad, better than yesterday

tomorrow

it's school, my legs are killing me now so I really hope I can manage to go school tomorrow 0.0

we have our new acid cupboard so we need to sort that tomorrow and I would like to be there to help. I also dont wanna work from home so I am going school i just hope I can manage it!

before after

 Evening

We were up til almost midnight because of me. I hurt. As usual. So Jack came to bed at almost 11pm after gaming and then had to deal with me -______-

I got up at 8am after having a dream about raiding a werewolf monster lair and finding myself at a spooky house belonging to a vampire and then the vampire wanted to marry me and wouldnt let me go. Like something out of a teen novel isnt it XD Jack didnt get up til 10am

By which I had got ready, cleaned Oz out and cleaned the bathroom. I hadnt really bothered with breakfast. I wasnt hungry and I couldnt be bothered to make myself anything ether. Once Jack was up I went back to bed. I felt so done with life. Really couldnt do life today.

I got up and had a BIG lunch to make up for my lack of breakfast. But it did nothing. No energy still. I tried to draw. but it was all just an effort. I went back to bed.

I got up and had a cup of tea with Jack who has gamed all day really. I managed to sit and do some drawing, Oz picked my spirits up. I wanted him earlier but he was so content in his fresh hutch I didnt want to bother him. I googled my house and the photos are still online from when we bought it and me and Jack were having a flick through as the house and garden looks totally different we have done SO much. Honestly. It boosted my mood. I can tell my depression is ruling life right now.

Here is our new front door too~

I made biscuits and now Im doing dinner

I say dinner, I told Jack I dont want to sit and eat a meal. I just cant face it. I am also not in the mood to cook. I know he would have cooked if I had asked him but I just want any of it tonight. So I have whacked a pizza in the oven for him and Im gonna have a warm cookie and milk hot chocolate as its better than nothing and will hopefully give me a sugar boost.

After dinner we are going to go and do our food shop for the week. Then have baths.

Im not sure if I will do any exercise tonight or not but I would like to do my nails.

tomorrow

Mia is coming over at some time in the morning. And at some time in the morning Jack is going over to his mums and then theyre taking him down to birmingham to have a buffet with his nan and his cousins family. I was obviously invited but I am no way up to that. Not only do have zero energy right now to look happy for people and make conversation, I cant sit in the car for that long then sit uncomfortably at his nans house for hours and hours. Cus yeah he wont be home til like gone 9pm probably!

so its day by myself really tomorrow but I am fine about that and I dont want Jack to miss out on family time cus of me.

Garden so far

Evening

Jack got home at 9:15pm and went for a bath and sorted himself out, he came in the bedroom and I was trying to sleep at this point as it was nearly 10pm and I was nicely settled. But he kept talking to me whilst getting dressed. In the end I said "can we talk about this tomorrow?" he said "yeah yeah sure" as he wasnt getting the hint that I didnt want to talk right then!

I slept really quite well to be honest much to my surprise

I got up and didnt care how my legs were feeling - i was going school

School was ok, I mean I was struggling to walk but once I had finished my prepping I sat and did display work and got quite for with it actually, I was happy with my work effort today.

I left school and got home, I had lunch with mum and Oz and she bought us both a slice of cake from yesterday ^^ so happy!!! 

I wanted to go round a shop aimlessly, I wanted to go round TK but I needed to be realistic. I was struggling to walk but I could a little. So we went to a garden centre. I didnt walk round all of it and told mum when I needed to leave as theres no where to sit down obviously. I picked up a baby cactus to replace the one that died in my Viridian forest the other week. It was only £1.49 and ive rescued it. I liked it in the shop but now as I look at it, its looks a lil like a garden weed! all well XD

I got home and went straight to bed for an hour and woke up feeling crippled. I ached. I wondered if doing a bit of exercise would help. No. I did do 15mins of weights but it was making me hurt. I ran a bath and soaked, Jack came home and I let him have the bath whilst I got dinner ready. I was determined to get him on time to his nerdery session. He was only 10mins late. So not bad

I went out to water the garden and Oz just watched me water his kingdom. Hes still out but I will put him home soon. He likes to be in bed at 7 and its 7:30pm ill see how he does

I am by myself again tonight but its fine I dont mind. I might draw, I have got to do my meal plans and shopping list.

tomorrow

chores and were gonna do food shop in the evening as we're busy sunday. About it

here is the garden so far anyway. The corner was just mud, 1000 weeds, few massive bushes and now its a 2 tier rockery garden. I kept forgetting to upload the photo. The grass seeds needs to fill in a few areas yet

Pokemon Psychics and my depression

 Evening

So we had tears last night

I got to bed and could feel my legs throbbing and I also was having so many thoughts. One being my favourite part of the day is bed - sleep - being out of pain, not having the think, not having to do anything and keeping up. My best part of the day in not being conscious. Thats not right is it? I thought "what do I want in life? what makes me happy? what do I want to do? why do I endlessly suffer to have nothing good happen. I cant walk, I cant go anywhere. whats the point in life?"

My legs hurt

I would have cut them if I knew it would have helped. If I knew it would provide relief. So that was a self harm thought. 

I cried

Jack realised I was crying.

We got up and there on the sofa I confessed everything that way weighing on my mind

that I havent been happy for many months now

that even why I draw and stuff, I dont get any joy from it. I just do it. I go through the motions. almost like a job. I like working out but I get set back like my legs. so even when I am trying to help myself my body fights back. 

I made it very clear I was happy with my Jack and grateful for everything he does. I didnt want him to think I was unhappy in life because of him. No way. Love my Jack and I couldnt go on without him.

We had a piece of flap jack mum bought over and a cup of tea and went to bed around 11:30pm I was awake til gone midnight as there was a police helicopter looking for something. Jack was well off. 

I slept apart from that and the alarm was needed. I needed sleep

I got out of bed and my legs felt like an octopus has strangled and constricted my legs with growing pains. That was my first stand of that. I couldnt walk could I. I couldnt go to school. Not like this. But i wasnt 100% sure what I would do from home

Jack went to sleep

I went to work at my desk, I kept re-doing things, I changed designs. I could not think straight. I was getting frustrated. I went to bed and woke up 2 and half hours later at midday....WTF

when did the last time that happen!?

to be honest I came to terms then that my depression is bad, I think it has been getting bad for a while now I just wouldnt accept it. I felt poorly today like mentally poorly and the affect that has on the body. 

I got up and had lunch quickly then went back to work. I managed to get a bit done but dont feel i was that productive today. Wasnt my best effort. But I guess I wasnt feeling my best.

I managed to finish my next pokemon piece and I think I will leave it there with pokemon for a bit and draw something different.

I bought Oz in for a drink and something to eat and then mum came to pick me up. Oz sat on the sofa and I sat with the pigs on my lap. I told her about last night and how I think its just my depression and that I dont want anymore mental help. 

I checked my phone as I was a bit anxious about Jack. He would be driving to his mums from school by himself for the first time. I txt him asking if he was ok and he rang me saying he just got back to school after having a massive heart attack - driving to his mums to find the main road closed and he was unsure where he was driving then found his way back. he said he would ring his step dad and ask the way. He then txt me to say he was gonna have another attempt. He did it. So proud I thought he would do it. 

She did dinner and I ate dinner with mum and dad it was there 32nd wedding anniversary. Mum had made a cake - excuse for a cake. It was so good I struggled to finish it but I sure as hell shoved that last bite down me. i was happy I had managed dinner without getting stressed out as I felt stressed out and out my comfort zone with it last night

It's 8:30pm Jack hasnt left his mum's yet! He's got a bath here waiting for him XD ive had to do the washing up and my medication. I hope he gets back ok. I told him not to rush and that I was totally fine. I was home safe and Oz was home - he had such a lovely time hopping round mums garden I bet hes shattered.

tomorrow

id like to be able to go to school

i dont fancy another day from home

I told mum id like to go somewhere with her after school, she said she would like to but to see how my legs were first.

I am gonna hop into bed and play pokemon