socialised for the first time in 3 months

 Evening

Couldnt sleep last night. I ached so much the bed was not comfy. So I got up and took extra pain killers, tried again to go bed but then I was plagued with self harm thoughts and at this point I thought it was best not to be alone so I woke Jack. He made me tea and fruit loaf and we stayed up til 12:30 I woke up a lot in the night. I got up at 8am

I bought Oz in and he was looking round for Jack is was very cute and I couldnt bare it any longer so I took him through to the bedroom to wake Jack up with. I told Jack Oz had been looking for him and I dont think Jack minded being woken by Oz

I cleaned the bathroom and got a txt from mia saying is 10am ok? So maybe I got the wrong weekend last weekend! I felt better about socialising this week than what I did last week so I said she could come over

we talked for 2 hours well she talked for 2 hours XD I didnt want to talk about myself and my dull life and my health so I let her talk about moving house, weddings, life stuff. It was good to actually socialise. Tiring. But good. I feel better for doing it as it has been 3 months now. But god I was exhausted.

Me and Jack had lunch then I flopped on the bed next to him as he played his switch.

Later on he went over to his family's house, I fell asleep for 40mins, mum came over to dye my hair so its all fresh now and I had a cup of tea with her. I have been a social butterfly today! 

Me and Jack had korean noodles which was good I am getting better at the recipe!

Now we gonna watch anime and play pokemon in bed!

Tomorrow its school ugh

Im gonna wear shorts! 

My legs hurt like a bitch. That dinner killed my legs off. I hope I can walk tomorrow. My head feels fuzzy I cant think properly and my sentencing when I talk it all wrong like english isnt my first language XD

head feels a bit messy and dead

 Evening

ahhh last night was 31c.....so hot. I thought I didnt have a chance in hell getting sleep, but I started my extra dose of antidepressant. Yup I slept. I slept like the dead. Jack even said to me this morning I slept well! I hope I wasnt being annoying in my sleep. he said he did not sleep well it was just too hot.

I woke up at 7am and got my loaf in, I left Jack to sleep. However, upon bringing the loaf a morning treat I noticed he had gone missing....he had gone to find Jack and woke him up by running into the bedroom T^T ahhh loaf I was leaving him to sleep damn it! So that was Jack awake. He was ok about being woken by Oz, said there was worse ways to be woken up XD

This morning I did feel deathy from reflex yesterday and also my head felt a mess. Like I could have cried but I also could have been horrible/mean and I would have enjoyed it. Yeah a real mess.

I decided to get on with my day

I cleaned Oz out

I did 20mins of arms and core workout

I had a shower

I went for my hair cut (the room was 1000c no windows or doors open I sweated to death) I didnt enjoy my hair cut and literally ran out the door, I asked her not to blow dry my hair cus I was so hot. I sweated to death. She had to lift my fringe from my forehead as sweat and stuck it down. 

I had a cup of tea then went on my laptop for a bit and then we had lunch I went to rest on my bed but ached too much to sleep. The whole whole day it has rained. So we have kept Oz in all day

I decided to repot my cacti so I sat and did that. Oz came to see and quickly took a bite out a new cacti T^T I was so sad, Jack chased Oz away.

hes a menace but i love him. Hes had it good today, always does well when its raining damn him.

I didnt do much all afternoon as I was quite dead to be honest. Jack has been doing hours of admin. I did dinner then we went food shopping and I felt done in from that. I got back and had a bath. 

This evening I would like to paint my nails

tomorrow

its fathers day tomorrow, I just gave my dad a bottle wine - done

I already arranged for mum to come over and dye  my hair and have some time away from dad and also I usually see her on a monday but shes got her hair appointment so I cant see her til tuesday so we arranged to do my hair on sunday. But then Jacks mum messaged today offering for us to go over for tea and scones which I would love to do but dont have the energy for that right now. I feel so dead and messed up. So i am gonna stay home and see mum. Its what I want to do. I need to put myself first instead of pleasing others. So Jack is gonna go by himself. 

I have some cooking to do in the morning

31c + upping antidepressant

 Evening

It was warm last night @.@ I was aching in bed so I got up and took extra tablets I was only up til 11pm so it wasnt too bad

I dreamed about karen again. My dream was me crying to her husband Si, asking him how hes able to be so strong as I am still upset about losing her. Yeah guess im still healing from losing her ><; 

My legs hurt this morning. i was so disappoints T^T I really thought I would be able to go to school. Jack told me all was well, to stay home and take it easy. I had got work to do but I just wanted to go school with my Jack.

Instead I worked all morning, and got my picture done

Ive been keeping Oz where its coolest, depending on where the sun is! So hes out in the garden as its shaded now. This country isnt able to handle 31c!! Hes been good boy and hasnt been panting much, think the trimmed coat makes a difference!

I had a quick 45min sleep after my lunch and Mum came over for a bit then she took me too reflex as Jack had my car. 

reflex was nice, most relaxed Ive been since errrm my last massage? so yeah it was nice and didnt hurt much at all! I almost fell asleep! She said my glands the make the stress hormone was bad and she said my body felt tired. yup thats me! 

Mum picked me up and she kindly took me to the garden centre as its on the same street. I picked up 4 baby cacti, cacti soil and a plant for my rabbit planter outside ^^ I was very happy but I had managed to 2mm long baby thorns stuck in 3 fingers from a cacti - I didnt buy that one thank god

but i needed to get the thorns out but needed twicers as they were so tiny, I could see my fingers going red and blotchy, I have had a bad reaction to a cacti before in my fingers. Luckily I got home and saw to that, took a while as they were sooo small! Jack was home ^^

we had dinner and sweated to death having dinner -______- then had a cool bath which was nice, I could have slept in that bath!! 

Jack has gone to game upstairs, I hope he doesnt die in the heat up there. But knowing him he will hyper-focus and not notice the heat >.>

As for me, god knows what I will do. Its too hot -___- just too hot. God knows how we will sleep tonight 0.0; 

Tonight I am upping my antidepressant. I currently take 3 tablets a day I am suppose to take 4 I have never taken 4. 4 is the max. once I have got used to 4 and 4 stops working. thats it. I will have to change antidepressant. SOMETHING I DO NOT WANT TO DO! So I have been very hesitant to up my dose as I dont wanna get to the stage of needing to change. I always always get to the stage were medication no longer works. But this has been the best antidepressant I have ever been on and this is my 7th antidepressant to. Venlafaxine. It stops the voices. I am worried about the side effects. it is gonna me VERY tired. always does when I have upped it. But its come to it. I need to.

Tomorrow I have got hair cut in the morning~ and cleaning Oz out too in the morning, maybe do the bathroom too. My biggest bestest thing to do tomorrow tho, it have a mammoth sort out of my cacti!!! going to be so much mess and repotting!!! Might do the food shop in the evening too

I was actually able to think

 Evening

Last night we had managed to get some free time to ourselves, however, as usual, I was shattered. So I wasnt up to much. So I said to Jack that I was going to go and sit on the picnic blanket outside and sit with Oz basically. I didnt ask him to join me as I wasnt sure how he wanted to spend his free time but he chose to keep me company! For 45mins we sat out just the 3 of us, Jack had his Pina Colada and yeah it was really quiet outside and it was really nice and relaxing. Jack really enjoyed it. And Ozwald. My goodness how many times did that rabbit run across the blanket!? he loves the crinkly sound of his feet running across it XD Then after 45mins he loafed, he was done. So I put him to bed and we came in to watch anime. I was more mindful in front of the heat lamp ^^;

I slept good again last night, I mean were in bed about 8:30pm again!

This morning my legs were pretty good, but I knew I shouldnt push it. The alarm had gone off but because I knew I was working from home I didnt bother to get up with Jack. I had an extra 45mins in bed which was nice!! Jack kindly made me a cup of tea when I got up tho ^^ Then he went to work. I got ready for work on time. 

I sat drawing and I got pretty far today and I worked hard too. My morning was a bit odd as at first I felt really anxious, like something bad was going to happen. But then once that passed i had this complete clarity. So odd and hard to explain but it was like I could think straight there none of the tired fogginess I feel EVERYDAY and I was there thinking "im like that everyday, how the hell do I think or get anything done!?" Today I felt like if you had put an exam in front of me i would have aced it. I could think. 

I didnt feel exhausted and tired. What has changed? nothing. Just fluke with my body. But god I would PAY to feel like that

mum came to see me at 11am for a brew and I told her about how good I was feeling

she left, I had a quick lunch then did one more hour of work as mum had come to see me during my 4 hours of work. I like to honestly work from home

Then I went to flop on my bed to rest, I didnt fall asleep I just needed to be quiet

I got up and bought Oz in, and as its 27c he had taken refuge in the back of the garage where its cool. Like coldest place on the whole property! I bought him in for a drink and things and then I decided to shave him. His fur has really grown and I want him to be as cool as possible. He was so GOOD. I was even able to hold him up a bit with his back feet on the ground so I could shave his tumtum, bless him he was so good and he looks much neater. 

He got a treat out of me and has been asleep on plush pad since. He didnt get stressed with me but he needed to rest it out XD

as I could feel my body flagging, yes sadly that good feeling was passing, I decided to do a good work out as I didnt do one yesterday and I wont do one tomorrow cus of my appointment. So I did 40mins and it was a good sweatfest, I can not wait for a cool bath!!

I made biscuits and got Jack's dinner on as hes chosen pie and chips for the first time and they take 35mins so its having the oven on for a while T^T on a hot day T^T

Then I will have a bath and then water my garden as its desperate! 

tomorrow

school, im hoping to be able to go. Then I will have lunch with mum then at 3pm I have reflexology to try and boost my energy levels. Jack will have nerdery in the evening so I will be by myself.

my legs and burns

 Evening

We were watching RWBY last night and I wanted to watch 2 episodes so it was like 35mins of TV time. During that time I sat with the heat lamp on my legs. I was laying there thinking "this is the perfect distance from the lamp, it feels so nice, I hope I can recreate this next time". We finished watching anime and I went to the toilet and Jack heard me say "whoops" he said "whats wrong? what have you done?" I came through with my pyjama bottoms down to reveal....slightly burnt legs ^^; yup that delightful feeling I was feeling in front of the lamp was actually my skin burning! it must have felt nice to me as that 'pain' was a different feeling to my constricting growing pains pain in my legs so it felt nice to me. Never once thought "maybe my skin is cooking" so I had red blotches on the tops of my knee caps. Didnt hurt and I wasnt bothered. I was gonna photograph it and send it to mum but through the camera lens it actually looked like a full on burn! so I thought I best not send her that ^^; 

We were in bed at 8pm I think it was last night!! XD so early! But we were playing pokemon together which was nice. I stopped playing at 8:50pm to go to sleep. I had nothing more to give yesterday.

I slept pretty well again last night til 5am anyway. No extra pain killers were needed

This morning tho, my legs T^T the burns had disappeared so it was a relief that I hadnt damaged my skin too much there! but i couldnt walk that well. I knew realistically I should stay home but I didnt want to.

I pushed myself to go to school, I just hate working from home so much!!!

School was ok, I had chris come see how I was, Lizi popped by too so I had social time today. But all morning for 2 hours odd I didnt stop. I was on the go and struggling to walk. I couldnt wait for a sit down but I just had so much to do. But after my cup of tea I didnt get that much work done to be honest. I was spent. 

I went home and had lunch with mummy and Ozwald. She keeps bringing him banana or apple and he loves it. so cute watching him run off with it in his mouth.

mum left me to sleep and I had an hour

then I got up for a cup of tea and some more flap jack mum brought over for me she made. 

I ordered her a new make up bag as she told me shes after one, hopefully what i ordered is ok.

Then I made Jack some lunch for tomorrow, did him tomato, bacon and cheese. Hes gonna love it but I told him its  a surprise, he will never guess hes got bacon! Mum brought me bacon over for my stew as I forgot to by some to put in my thai curry stew today so half the packet I cut up and mixed in the stew the other half I laid on top of the stew to cook in the slow cooker. 

I havent been able to exercise, my legs are struggling so much so I decided to have an early bath and have dinner in our pyjamas. So I went for a bath then Jack came home and hes in the bath now. We will  have dinner, hobby time, anime, switchs in bed.

tomorrow

i gotta be real and admit defeat, i need to work from home tomorrow T^T I dont wanna but im gonna have to. mum says she will pop in and see me tho some point in the day :)

I shall try not burn my legs tonight, even tho i feel like sawing them off

Green Nails

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night ^^ Jack played on pokemon next to me too :D

I got ready for school, despite sleeping I still felt tired T^T

School was ok, but I was so scatty, I could not think straight at all. It was frustrating and I must have looked crazy going from task to another. I think I got my jobs done tho. 

I got home and had lunch with Ozwald, Oz who decided to make a break for it out the lounge, found him upstairs!!! I cant remember the last time he even attempted the upstairs!! I had massive sweat on in case he had found Jack's computer cables...luckily it all looks intact 0.0 He then was mounting me in front of mum -______- 

Mum left me and I went to sleep for an hour, felt no better. Once I was up I had a biscuit and caffeine but nothing was helping, I started doodling but wasnt happening I just couldnt focus so I pretty much just monged out on youtube and then I did 15mins of dumbells as I cant do much more with throbbing to death  legs

jack came home, we prepped stew for tomorrow and then we did dinner which was easy and so damn good we would have it again.

Now I will go for a bath then maybe attempt some art with the rest of my evening? I am pleased with my first green nails, green isnt a colour I wear but I wanted to try it. They came out well

tomorrow

school really, about it

up til 2

 Evening

So my Jack got home at about 9:15pm, but didnt come into bed for another hour as he had a bath and then said he was hungry so he was sat in the lounge snacking on chocolate and crisps...I was trying to sleep but my body hurt and I couldnt get comfy at all. Jack gave me a quick cuddle in bed and just dropped off to sleep. He was then thrashing in his sleep, grinding his teeth, mumbling and talking. At 11:30pm I got up for extra pain killers and stayed up til midnight, I crawled back to bed and tried again.

failed.

still couldnt sleep cus of pain, and Jack. Honestly. So I was up taking yet more pain relief that I didnt want to take but I was getting desperate. I was up til 2am I was up in 4 hours time

god I felt so rough this morning. I needed sleep so bad. But I got up and ready as I didnt want to work from home. 

On the way to school I told Jack about my crappy night and he said I should have woke him. But i hate waking him up.

School, was quite hard. I was busy. I just had a lot to do. 

I told mum not to come have lunch with me as all I wanted to do was sleep. But on the way home I decided to drop in on her, she was happy and surprised. I had a quick milk hot chocolate and sat with the girls who are so fluffy and soft!! Tilly already has a grass stain T^T

I left and came home for lunch with loaf. I went to bed leaving him on plush pad but I could hear him thudding, which isnt like him so I went through to him and he was one unhappy bun. i couldnt get him from behind the sofa he was thudding like mad. So I went outside to check for cats etc but nothing. I eventually got Oz and he had been panting so much he made himself sweaty under his nose. He had been really stressed and upset so I stayed with him to reassure him then we both went to sleep for an hour

I had a cup of tea with him then i did some weights, then started cooking the dinner, took me ages to do dinner and Jack's lunch. Jack was late home as he was late leaving, I was glad I had already worked out. Dinner was so nice tho, then I went outside with Oz to water the garden. I had a cuddle for 15mins on the bed with jack as we havent spent much time together lately so it was nice just having a quiet cuddle together. He loves me very much ^^ I love him very much to he is my life ^^

I had a bath and now just doing diary. We will watch RWBY then play pokemon in bed. Jack hasnt played pokemon for over a week but he says he will join in tonight as hes been playing that boat game. I have over taken him on pokemon!

God I hope I sleep tonight. I need bloody sleep!!!

tomorrow

school really, about it. I hope I can go as my legs hurt like a bitshhhh~