31~

 It's half term!! woo thank bloody god 

what a week!!! 

Monday night Jack's parents wanted to come over so they were over til 9pm. I was shattered! Nice to see them for the first time this year but not on a school night >< I had the day working from home which did help a bit

we were also told my brother can in fact start school on thursday! instead of the 20th february.

Tuesday, my birthday! I turned 31! officially my early 30s~ I got a card written by the science department, a gift from Lizi and a teacher. The school day was just another school day. I had lunch with mum and opened her gifts she got me lovely gifts like plant babies, 3kg weights, bunny ornaments, funky socks, chocolate teas. When Jack came home I opened his gifts which were some earrings I asked for from Ana Luisa - they have mushrooms dangling that glow in the dark! he got me some cute bunny stationary.

something else that happened on my birthday...I got a new car ^^; completely not expecting it. My dad rang my mum just as I was open my presents. He'd bought a honda jazz (my favourite car ever) from his friend and its 2014 so not 14 odd years old and yeah says I could have it. But I do not have the money for an 8 grand odd car. So he took my car and gave me the Honda.....my brother is getting money to make it fair between us.

it took days to sink in that I had an actual nice car to be proud of. but at first the whole thing wasnt sitting well with me.

1 I already owe my parents money for funding my house

2 my car works I technically dont NEED another car

3 I did not want to take MORE money from my parents

4 I wouldnt just be costing them money for the car but the additional money they would be handing to my brother

after expressing this to both Jack and mum separately, they both came out with the same argument! that basically

1 the car we have now is over 10 years old and not sure how long its gonna keep going for it looks and feels battered

2 your dad wants you to have the car otherwise he wouldnt have bought it 

3 eventually I would inherit my parents money so why not have something now they can see me enjoy

and yes this was all true i just felt a bit guilty about it all. so yeah I turned 31 and got a 'new' car! its proudly sat on the drive now. 

people asked me "what you doing for your birthday?" well nothing as I have half term next week so might as well do stuff then when I have time and energy so I probably looked dead boring haha we didnt even go out for food as that stresses me out. So I got off leftover food from christmas dinner and we had that and it was bloody fantastic!

wednesday  

same old day really at work, I had an awful phone call from a doctor stating I have got to have a camera down my throat, up my arse, biopsies taken of my intestines. yeah....I almost cried just on the phone. I am scared stiff. They said I could be knocked out for it all which yes 100%  I will be doing. I dont know HOW they knock you out tho but mum is coming with me thank god. I feel like I will be in tears that day. I am so scared. Nothing goes up my arse and the thought of something going down my throat makes me panic and want to be sick. I am scared.  safe to say, I did not sleep well that night. 

thursday, I was so burned out that I worked from home I did an all nighter! I was so stressed out with everything. That my pain was horrific in the night and no amount of painkillers was touching it so by 1:30am I made the decision to get an do my work through the night. I sat working on drama front cover.

I woke Jack up at 6am, told him I hadnt actually been to bed but did my 4 hours of work. I went to bed and work up a 11am. I was drained all day. 

friday I worked from home then mum took me out to choose some earrings from jewellers. I found my pair straight away no other pair compared and weirdly they were like one of the cheapest at £30 but I thought they were the best! we then went for lemon cake and tea at a cafe next to the jewellers. Nice time together ^^ Jack didnt have gaming and typically finished school at 2pm so he would have been early for gaming instead of the last to arrive!

so a busy week

and even tho my brother started school on thursday I havent been to school to see him there! but jack looked after him at times like at lunch time etc. They even travelled together on his first day :) But he seems to be doing well. Hasnt hated it or got upset. He says its a lot to take in but its interesting being on the other side of the classroom.

Oz had his bunny weigh in yesterday. He hasnt lost anymore weight. Its fine. I think I know why. He just isnt doing a lot with his little self. He only wants to play out if I am out with him. And after a while I am freezing! its winter! so I have ordered 3 5-way tubes  for him to play in and hopefully feel more confident with having things to hide in and will actually play out with out me holding his hand/paw....

next week~

its half term and before i knew it, my days got filled up!

so monday I am seeing Mia in the morning for a dog walk, then after lunch I am seeing Ed. I was suppose to see him last weekend I think but I was too tired and burned out and couldnt face it

tuesday is so far free....but dont want to jinx it

wednesday got the hospital

thursday our anniversary! so were going for bad food into the city centre then I have a massage

friday recovery day

saturday seeing jack's friends for drinks

ahhhhh its a lot >< 

i do need to socialise and actually leave the house tho

31 on Tuesday

 Evening

It's my birthday on tueday! entering my early 30s~

This week, I dont feel an awful lot happened. I worked from home once and got my work finished for the biology teacher that was a nice achievement 

work its self wasnt too bad really

my brother got his start date for work, 20th february which is when we go back after half term I am so excited to have him at school!

On friday Ed texted me to ask if he could see me saturday

saturday Jack was leaving around 1pm and coming back at literally midnight. He was going to birmingham for a family party. I was invited but it would have killed me off. He did not really want to go ether ^^;

saturday came round and from the moment I woke up I felt anxious and shaky. I didnt feel happy about the day at all

we came in from food shop and I cuddled up with Hammington. Jack found me after putting the shopping away he asked me if I was ok and stuff and yeah thats when I had a mini meltdown. Got upset and everything. Just couldnt cope with anything that day. Seeing Ed, having Jack leave, having him come back late. Just all of it wasnt sitting well with me. Think it was because it was all last minute and change of routine. Not to mention that the whole week I had felt a bit burned out and didnt sleep very well friday night -_____- 

so after i confessed all that he said he didnt have to go and all that. I said I would be fine and he should go. He then txted his mum saying i was sick and didnt want to leave me. I txted Ed and we had a rest day. I got my chores done in the morning and sat drawing in the afternoon whilst jack did warhammer. I felt awful cancelled Ed,  again. but i couldnt cope and wasnt in the best mindset. Socialising lately has become a very daunting task for me. I am so tired all the freaking time. Its not so bad when you know you will be with them like an hour or so but when theyre there all day its too much. I am too tired.

Oh and we weighed Oz, he was 2.9kg! our scales arent very accurate but I love him for maintaining anyway. He could have lost more but like I said theyre not that accurate. Im sure he will be 2.8kg next week cus I can see bunny shape on him!

I have been doing a pointless drawing in my sketchbook. Yup a drawing just cus I want to, no purpose, doesnt matter if its crap and yeah its good. I am starting to chill out with my art again. I think whats massively helped is quitting instagram, social media cus I am not looking at art and comparing myself to others. Thinking I am crap so whats the point in doing my art. Yeah best decision. Quit social media.

my brother came over yesterday with his Ebike. I have never even seen one. So he wanted me to have a go and that was an amazing experience! I can see how he got up to 44mph now. Hes so happy with it like a kid with a new toy but its good for him. 

today just done chores, bit of drawing and mostly resting. I am so tired. we went for a walk down the river together at 9:15am this morning. It was only 2c but I felt I needed it as part of the TLC weekend. 

this week

well tomorrow Jack's mum and step dad are coming over in the evening to drop my birthday card over and as we havent seen them since christmas they will no doubt stay for a bit....

tuesday jo's birthday

wednesday I am thinking of working from home and maybe going out for cake with mummy. maybe. also have a hospital phone call about my tummy

thursday normal

friday we have inset day and then school finishes!!

in the 2kg section!!

 Evening

Jesus, what a week

Only one day out of the weekdays did I get to rest after work.....

there was just a lot on this week

I went out one day for mum's birthday for tea and cake! yes I had a break from my diet! and it was nice dont get me wrong but yeah I dont feel like im missing 'normal' foods that much anymore. But I had a nice time just doing that with mummy

then another day it was actually mum's birthday so she came to open presents and also a window was changed

another day my brother was going for the DT technician job so I was txting him, mum, Jack. Phone calls all afternoon. Jeez it was stressful. But on the plus my brother got the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO happy I am so pleased for him. his boss wasnt expecting him to get a job so fast! it was brilliant and they let him leave on friday.

Another day I did Julia's daughter's hair (sarah) for picture day at school bless her and did a tiny bit of make up too! shes never had any hair or make up done bless her, she looked so mature! I hope shes happy with that photo but I havent seen her since to ask about it

I ended up having 2 working from home days this week just because work and home life has been full on that I was left a bit burnt out come friday morning. 

I also did mum's hair another day as she was going out for a meal with friends for her other friend's birthday treat. Yeah this week was A LOT!

Im hoping for a much quieter week this week!!!

Today has been A LOT

whats wrong with me this week!? cut me some slack life >.>

we got up for food shop, came home and I cleaned loaf out - oh speaking of loaf! its saturday so bunny slimming world day and so we weighed him and he weighed 2.9kg!!!!! how fantastic is that! hes doing so well and Im helping him through it, its a big achievement to get off the 3kh section!

then I marinated some meat, put other meat in the slow cooker, cleaned the bathroom. Then we realised oz was in a bit a mess so we had to sort his bum out bless him. I know whats done it its that dried apple it goes through him sometimes so I have found locus beans to give him instead. Then we both cleaned the car well just washed it anyway. The roads are filthy this time of year so I dont do it as much in the winter but it was getting to the stage were it was hard to see through the smearing of the windscreen wipers! 

so I was done, fell asleep on my bed for half hour

then I was struggling to motivate myself for exercise so I asked Jack if he'd do a walk with me and so we went for a 40 mins walk, had a bath and did dinner

oh I havent lost weight this week, I didnt feel like I had so that was good. Dont wanna drop it every week otherwise thats not healthy. I dont want to ever be 45kg again. I still have plenty of meat on me but I dont know what I weigh. Jack weighs 73kg and says he weighs more than me so I suppose thats something XD

tomorrow, just got a bit of cooking to do in the morning 

then I hope for a bloody easier day!!!!

next week

we actually dont have anything on

my brother would be allowed to come start his new job at school but hes waiting for his DBS to come through so until then hes got time to himself! id rather get him into school before his anxiety cane build too high....

we have teacher strikes on wednesday something we have never experienced before so that will be odd 

so yeah hopefully an easier week next week!

and hopefully loaf will be 2.8kg!

100g down

 Evening

Ahhhh what a week!!!

Monday I was off school sick I was still suffering massively with the stomach bug. I managed to attend the rest of the week with a huge struggle honestly. I think I am just about over it. After talking to staff about it it was amazing how many of us were off poorly with it! everyone said same thing that it takes like a week to go and had green poo. Awful bug

My brother was offered an interview for the DT technician job which is happening tomorrow at 9am!

I had a massage on friday which crippled me

I weighed my Ozwald this weekend, his first weigh in at Bunny Slimming World XD he lost 100g!!!! how good is that for week one!! But I know it will slow down. So he's gone from 3.1kg to 3kg. I am looking forward to him being in the 2kg section!!! Hopefully next week!

we went to get him some fancy hay today, his 1.5kg box of fancy Norfolk leaves arrived in the week and he likes it and likes making a mess with it. I have been going out everyday but Friday with him. Help him burn those calories

to be honest I have spent A LOT of time with him this week. I know first hand how  much diets SUCK and I know when I am distracted I dont feel the hunger as much so I have spent all my free time with him. Normally when I would do house jobs or art i spent with him, fussing him, playing with him, chilling with him. I am fully supporting his little diet and helping him through it. He has so much choice of food right now too!

I also lost more weight this week. I can tell my body has lost weight from even a month ago cus of the way my tummy and thighs look. I feel better in myself I have to say for losing some weight

tomorrow~

my brother is coming to school at 9am for his intense ass interview. He gets lunch! how long and intense is this freaking interview, jesus. No wonder hes terrified. I did go see the DT teacher and talk to him and he cant wait to meet my brother. I have a meeting at 10am with someone and Jack to discuss my health which is gonna be a HUGE waste of time but hey its time I dont have to work! jack has doctors so will be leaving school a bit earlier. Yeah a lot on tomorrow!

the rest of the week is ok

wednesday going out for a cup of tea with mum for her birthday

thursday is her birthday so I get to give her gifts

and thats it I think?

ahhh I took a real cute picture of Oz this week but forgot to upload it. Never mind

Massively body shamed

 Evening

It's been another week~

Last week I did wed-fri at school as we returned on wednesday. This week I did mon-weds at school, started to not feel good on weds, mum picked me up when I finished work. Thursday I worked from home doing online training, friday I had to day of sick

I have had a stomach bug. I wont go into details as it wasnt pretty. I can tell you this tho, I have lost weight! I still dont feel 100% and some foods when I eat feel like literal food poisoning. But I am on the mend! 

Friday Oz had the vets so no matter how I was feeling I needed to take my little boy for his vaccinations. The vet was really lovely but massively body shamed my baby!!!!

she commented on his chest, his bingo wings, his pouch on his tummy. My poor Oz!! She weighed him.....he's suppose to be 2kg, hes 3KG!!!!

we talked about his diet and I get where I am going wrong now, its amazing how little things have crept and just happened and when i think about his diet, he is a very loved and spoilt bun. We are killing him with kindness. 

so he is going on a diet. I let him off today tho as I wasnt sure if he was gonna feel a bit off due to his vaccination but hes been fine

hes got to have hardly any pellets per day

up to 3 pieces of fruit a week

plenty of hay and grass

currently, he gets unlimited supply of pellets (as I dont want him to have an empty dish I never want him to be hungry I didnt want to be cruel), he gets carrot slices twice a day, piece of fruit once a day, grass and hay, 2 treats

So we are going to be weighing out his pellets, no fruit, carrot slices will be a lot smaller, his treats will be dried fruit. I ordered 1kg of this fancy ass rummage leaf stuff yesterday.

I will make more of an effort to be outside with him to motivate him into moving instead of loafing.

I need to do this in order to prolong his life. I shouldnt have let it get this bad. I feel awful. Jack is on board with it all and will support me with his diet. I want to things well so he doesnt become unhappy

I must say tho he was such a good boy at the vets and co-operated and was just so well behaved. I was very proud. the vet had no other worries apart from his weight

Jack's treat cupboard on the other hand tho, guess who's self is who's. This is from christmas

today, I didnt have to do food shop as Jack kindly did it after school on friday cus I wasnt feeling up to it. Dad took the car for an MOT and that passed all fine so that was good.

My brother came over to apply for a job at my school! he got some feedback from his job this week and thought enough is enough and wants a new job and that DT technician job is still going at school so he wanted Jack's help in applying for it :) be weird if hes at school too. I wouldnt mind of course and I just want him to be happy. I would be fine if he decided it wasnt for him and didnt stay long. But his job does suck and take the pee

tomorrow

just cooking food, I hope I feel ok, Id like to see my weekend before i go back to school. 

next week, just another week at school and got massage on friday :)

Oz's 6th Birthday!

 It's 2023~

so what. Who cares. Its just the date changing. I never celebrate it. We might as well celebrate the first of each month, how is it any different? Pointless. 

Anyway we had our first week back at work, everyone said the same thing that it was hard work, tiring and that they were hungry XD we'd all had two weeks of stuffing our faces and eating when we like right? 

I found work quite hard work. Couldnt believe Id only done 3 mornings. Felt a lot more than that!!

It was a same old week apart from we have a new head of department. He's ok I guess. 

Yesterday marked a very special day

it was my loaf's 6th birthday!! I was so thrilled. 

I have had 4 buns

only my first bun Sky made it to 6

Kip made it to 2

Tiffin only lived to 1

Now my Oz has made it as far as Sky! I hope he over takes Sky!! You can do it my Ozwald~

We bought him a new grassy hay house thing as he had devoured his, and a willow grass ball.

He hopped straight into the house no hesitation as he's used to them and I think it was a sign he'd missed his and appreciated his gift. He didnt bother to so much as sniff the willow ball but I did find it later literally dismantled -____- maybe that one should have gone in his cage. It has made a lot of mess on the carpet but I am just happy he is pleased with his gifts ^^

I hate buying pet stuff like toys and treats and they end up not liking them.

I love my Oz so much tho, he is my life. My day revolves round that loaf. I take for granted how well behaved he is, I can leave him in the lounge alone and hes fine, for hours! He so affectionate and never aggressive hes just the best. Make it to 7 loaf!

I had a hair cut on Oz's  birthday and after that I went to mum's to go give Truffs a hair cut and bath both her and tilly as they were smelly little piglets. They look like baby pigs now so cute and fresh.

Apart from that its just been a normal weekend of shopping and cooking. Today has been a write off for me as I have had zero energy. Also a banging headache i was hyper aware of every sound, didnt want to talk to anyone. I laid on my bed for 2 hours in the quiet, played on my switch too. I didnt get done what I wanted to get done today anyway! I was gonna do some colouring in and make my mums birthday card but all well

we did solve the mystery of these god damn mini black flies round our house

we've had them a month now. They wont go no matter how many we squish. I tried to cut off food sources but noticed it made to difference as they dont seem to feed on human food. Theyre always round my plants and a couple have even died. Jack research and theyre Fungus Nats, they eat fungus and plant roots, living in soil. so its them who have killed my cacti off >.> death to them.

To try kill them you need to cover the soil layer so they cant lay eggs in the soil so I have ordered 2kg of salty stone pebble things today to cover my plants. Poor plants. I have killed 15 today tho. Literal genocide. The problem is getting out of hand. I hope the stones come soon

next week.

It is a normal school week. 

friday Oz will have his annual trip to the vets for his check up and his vaccination. It was last year he had the new version of the vaccine due to a new pathogen affecting buns in the last 2 years. It costs double the normal vaccine T^T but best to be safe. But since that vaccine he now gets randy and humps me - something he never used to do. I blame the vaccine XD messed with his hormones. 

can't believe its school again tomorrow T^T 

Last day of 2022

 I am alive, I can confirm this XD

I haven't been here since 21st Novemeber

if I am honest, I got fed up of it all. I got fed up of writing the same thing

"i'm tired" "I havent slept" "I ache" "fed up"

Its depressing and really brings home to me how I feel, how crap I feel and how restricted my life is because of my health. And when I am feeling exhausted, in pain and fed up, the last thing I wanna do is write about it! So I took a break, meaning to only be away for a week or 10 days but to be honest I got a taste for freedom. I enjoyed having that extra time in the evenings what I would usually use to write this, it can sometimes take up to half hour for me to do this and sometimes I would rather spend that time doing something more enjoyable.

I confessed to Jack I hadnt done my diary in 2 weeks, he suggested doing it at the end of each week not each day but even that felt like an ask. I decided I would leave it and just do a post at the end of this year to wrap the year up then 2023 I might do weekly diaries.

so I havent been up to a great deal this past month, I confirm I finished school without a sick day this half term so that was a nice achievement. I saw Mia's new forever home which is like a freaking mansion she has a mammoth project on her hands but I see the potential, my family dug up my drive so we can fit 2 cars on the drive, we had christmas together, we had asthma checks, just daily life really. I wasn't able to join in anything at school and friends with christmas and food cus of my diary but I did have 48 hours away from my diet on christmas eve and day. I stuffed my face with cake and chocolate, the sheer amount of calories those days was intense. and yes I did very much pay with my arse hole a couple of days later.....so much death.....

we have just ordered 6 months worth of this probiotic I have been taking as it seems to be the only thing working for my tummy. I cant rely and wait for NHS help. I am 99% sure that the problem with my stomach is that I am not making the right bacteria therefor acids are burning my linings. So I decided to research the best probiotics on the market. They were pricey but its actually been working. You dont mind paying if it flipping works. And jack kindly said he would go halves with me T^T so kind of him

tonight we have no plans - just the way I like it. Its 9pm and were gonna watch Yashahime together drinking hot chocolate then play scarlet and violet in bed together. Oh yeah the other day I completed the dex! I have never in my 20+ years playing pokemon, completed a dex. Never. But i have and i am so proud. Whats more is my brother bought pokemon

my brother bought pokemon. Those words dont go in the same sentence. He hasnt played pokemon since blue version when he was like 5 years old and too young to really understand it. Plus pokemon games were much harder in the day.

tomorrow, I am cleaning this house! it will be chore day! I have a lot of cooking to do also. Jack doesnt know it yet but he too will be cleaning. He wont be hungover anyway.

so lets review the year shall we

at the end of 2021 I said for 2022 I wanted to;

get more of my garden done

to work on biology GCSE

keep exercising - mainly weights

live well with my Jack and to continue strengthening our relationship

take better care of my self and be honest how I am really feeling

take more photos of myself to look back upon

so the garden, huge victory there. The victory credit mainly goes to mum and Jack if I am honest. those two worked solidly on that. I helped where I could but a lot of the time was banned from help cus of my health. But they have done a cracking job. I am so proud of my jack. He had such a tan by the end of summer!. We have a nicer looking garden that should be a lot easier to do in 2023 summer. Here's hoping we dont suffer 42c heat again....

biology GCSE....^^; eerrrmm I gave that one up. I ended up having that much time off work that I had missed too much and I got into my head that I didnt want to stay at school I didnt want to do science anymore so what was the point of it all. As much as I found it interesting, the science sadly wasnt coming natural to me. I had to study hard for things that most people already know. In the end I decided it wasnt worth the effort. I wasnt that bothered and would rather use the time for other things.

exercising, of course I exercise. God knows I exercise. I dont get away with it. And the guilt I feel for skipping a day! if I skip 2 days in a row man do I know about it! I have bought 2kg weights this year and my first kettle bell so I have been using them to try get stronger.

being with Jack. We still havent had a full on argument or any argument really. We work so well together and he takes such good care of me and I cant help but love and care for him. He did of course ask me to marry him by the waterfalls on October 19th ^^ he is the best

take better care of myself. Well this year I broke for the 3rd time. and after that 3rd time I confessed whilst sobbing to mum that if I was to burn out that badly again that I wouldnt have the strength to go on. That each time I burn out a piece of myself dies and I dont have enough strength to bring myself out of it a 4th time. That i would take my life. I only told Jack this a couple of weeks ago actually, he looked so sad and hurt and was disappointed I hadnt told him at the time that I would have taken my life. So going part time was the only way. I had a slow return to work after my break down and i liked working those hours so asked work if I could stay working part time and it was agreed. dont get me wrong it BURNS having to work part time. I hate it. I hate having to need this. But I also need to be fortunate that I am financially able to do this and I able physically able to work to. I hope to continue working like this

photos, god I suck at this one. Haven I taken one this year? are there any this year? god this is bad. I just hate looking at myself so much but I need to change this mindset. I have plenty of the loaf XD

so on the whole Id say I have done pretty well out of all those goals really.

big changes this year too was getting the whole house new windows, I gave up social media, we got a different car

what do I want out of 2023?

maybe I need to make more of effort with taking photos....

to live happily with my jack and support him through life~

do art and craft, I need to make that time for myself each and every day even if the work is rubbish. I need to do it for me and stop being a perfectionist. This year I lost out of doing a lot of art because I thought it would be rubbish and pointless whereas really, none of that  matters I should be doing art for me and not to go up in a gallery. Just chill out Jo!

I want to do up Jacks study, it needs properly sorting

be nice if I could decorate the lounge, maybe get patio door changed

go on a holiday even for 2 nights somewhere and make it somewhere new

keep up with my japanese but to enjoy it and learn it. I was the worried about falling out of the 'platinum league' on Duolingo that I was just the same lessons over and over again to earn quick lots of EXP and wasnt learning anything or even enjoying it. now I have fallen out of that league but actually improving 

think I will leave it at that

I will probably just be here weekly now as I stopped enjoying this, this was a chore. I am hoping weekly posts will be less chore-like

7th January is my baby boys 6th birthday. He is my world. I love him and will give him anything. I am so proud of him making it this far I hope hes 7 and becomes my longest living bun!!!!! Long live the loaf!