I'm good at making mess

Konbanwa~

This morning was chilly >< but today has been warm :D
I started doing my crafts in the morning and through out the day really
i main cut up ready for sewing kinda thing
I also watched anime this morning

In the afternoon I went for a walk by myself
got sweaty >< i walked past my granny's house
I couldnt see her in the living room so I knew she was in bed
I crept round the back of the house and peered through her bedroom window
i could see her sound asleep on her bed so I decided not to call in and wake her
and so went home

I continued my craft and made mess
when i make mess it means progress
i have been like this for years XD
only good stuff comes out of mess

beautiful isnt it XD
I hate clearing it up but its satisfying when the area is tidy once again
I cut up these, 23 bunting flags

did 23 for my age when I made them kinda thing
and these will be on another bunting row
its suppose to be us as a family so me and my brother

and my mum and dad

i cant wait to do them its gonna be funny XD

tomorrow I have got the awful deed to do which is to go to the office
dump the kits down and tell them im quitting
i just want to get it over and done with, a clean break, no meal celebrating
how long ive worked there like the other staff members have had
i just want to leave and fast
im dreading them asking me "why you leaving?"
do I tell them the truth? it makes no difference tho If i did
it wouldnt change anything
theres gonna be no one left there soon

I will continue to look for jobs I did have a day off from that today
my dad does not want me to work in a school
i know it isnt his decision but he just keeps advising against it
but what are you suppose to do when thats plan A and you dont have a plan B?
I will cancel the meeting I have with the college on Tuesday
I can always book another at another date

granny is not doing good and we are going to be booking her into
a cancer home, for people who have terminal cancer
its a one way ticket, once you go in you dont come out
so its sad and we thought she would protest but she didnt
she told us she didnt want us worrying over her and that the home could
look after her all hours of the day, i just cant get my head round
that very shortly i will have no grandparents left and only 8 family members
our family is getting smaller and smaller
none of us were able to give granny a great grandchild or invite her to our weddings
its odd when i think of that way, that most of my friends have their grandparents still
and i just wont. i wouldnt mind so much if they died quick and pain free
but all my grandparents and family have suffered horrible deaths.
it sad and im struggling to come to terms with it all, to think about attending grannys
funeral brings tears to my eyes i dont know if i can go i know will have to
if nothing more than to support my mum
its amazing how hard life can get at times isnt it? and how fast things turn bad

anyway tomorrow I will visit granny with mum in the afternoon
and im gonna looks for jobs and do my crafts :)

It's sinking in

Evening all~

Today I woke up at 7:15am as Mia said she would go
for a walk with me at 8am
So I left at 7:55am for her house, boy was it chilly >< dew was still on the grass
and my feet got wet through my shoes
it was lovely she made the time for me as she was going out with work colleges 
as her boss had treated them to a meal out for working so hard
because her employer appreciates his employees

anyway I talked to her about yesterday and the fact that im going to quit on monday
and she said no job is worth getting that upset about, life is too short
and the more i talked about it the more it started to sink in and feel right
that i wouldnt have to go back there
I got home and had breakfast after mia had invited me for a cup of tea to warm me

my parents have been speaking to me about my future
my dad does not want me in a school he doesnt think its right thing to do
he doesnt think highly of schools so i know his is opinion is bias
but i know or like to think he means well
he suggested volunteering at an animal shelter like the RSPCA
but I had a look on their website and they seem pretty choosy about who they let in
I will ring them next week. I have applied for a few jobs today
but Im not getting myself bogged down with it all

I visited my granny today, she was in bed when we arrived
its getting harder and harder to see her like that
we can see how fed up she is, i mean you wouldnt see an animal suffer like this
she couldnt lift herself up in bed shes that weak, its sad and i wish i could do more for her

I got home and applied for jobs
drew a picture
rang lynn to see how her husband was
went to sleep
read outside with the pets

and that was it really today 
here's the picture bit random i know

I'm Quitting

Evening all~

My day started like any other day
having breakfast with the pigs trotting
i even went outside in the morning sun with tiffin
and had a cup of tea whilst reading out there with him
a nice normal day
i rang up my old college back from when i did my level 3 in 2010
i was still on record ^^ I have arranged a guidance meeting next week

I got a text at 7am from work saying "could you come do the kit
exchange at 11am instead of the usual 2pm"
I wasnt going, no way were they going to have my morning AND afternoon
all for the sake of £20 cus that would be all id get paid for all the hours
id be outside the house, so i went at the usual time of 2pm

i had lunch with mum  and set off earlier than i would do normally
on a friday to work, as i had an after school club to head straight for after
i had done the kit exchange the journey to office is 25mins and i do not get paid to go
i arrived at the office and met the new assistant branch manager Helen
she was nice enough and i told her i was here for my kits as i couldnt come this morning

emma had left my kits for me round in the lab
i ALWAYS check the kits before i take them as they are usually a mess and missing
crucial pieces, box 1 was a mess everything covered in corn flour and only just enough
equipment, box 2 hardly anything in it to last an hour and only just enough chemical so
i went rummaging through the lab and added a couple of things to do. and box 3 was 
disgraceful there was not enough to last an hour, and the equipment my manager had said
i needed to take to the school was unsurprisingly not there
last week i had refused to take a kit due to it being crap, this week as no one was there
to sort this out i left the kit and decided id pick up a better one next week
its shameful 

so i headed off to the school which was miles away
the school it's self was nice the kids were quit rowdy but i knew they
were just excited, i was getting out what little stuff i had to do the lesson with
and did my best, at the end of the lesson i had walked to the reception, to my car
and forgot my bag, ive never done that before so i had to go all the way back for it =.=

upon getting to my car i could feel tears stinging my eyes
i got in my car and thought "just what am i doing with my life?"
i drove home crying...
i had been out the house 1:15pm and got back 5pm and was earning a total of £20
thats what im doing with my life
im running round ragged for mad science, not getting an ounce of gratitude, working
and traveling for hours and getting paid pence and working with poor equipment.

i got home and sobbed to mum, you know when your that upset you sound like 
a child crying, well i do, my face burned with tears
i said to mum "i dont want to return, i dont want to go, i cant do it anymore"
mum and dad have always said how crap mad science is
so they support my decision
but this leads to another problem, what do i do about money? i need a career
but its not that simple for me...im still sick...so the idea of working 9 til 5
is still not possible for me which made me cry more
"what employer wants someone who cant work full days?"
"i dont have any qualifications that matter to any employer"
i suggested that i quit, live carefully on my saving and volunteer at my old primary school
to see if i do want to work with children, then in the new year start a college course
the college course im thinking of doing says that you need to do 14 hours per week
in a primary school, so i suppose volunteering at a primary school will get me
set up for that and make my decision if thats the path i want to take.

i just cant go back there
they asked me to work sunday as theres a marathon through our city
i have no idea what science has to do with a marathon
and when i asked Helen today she had no clue....i asked her for the parking permits my
manager had said she'd give me (as its in the city and no where to park)
but Helen said "theres only one, im taking emma we can fit you in the car too"
so ive gotta drive to the office to get a lift to the event on sunday
slight catch, ive got to be at the office 7:15am
arrive at the event before 8am (due to road closers for the marathon)
then wait. and wait for 3 hours as the event isnt starting til 11:30am
so im being asked to once again waste my time for mad science
for an event i have no idea what im doing at
i dont want to go i cant ive had enough
its no shock how they have next to no staff and no body want to have the job
the head manager owner guy his attitude is "if you dont like it, leave, i can hire new presenters"
so hes not even remotely interested in his staff
 mum and dad have told me not to go sunday
i have never skipped out on work
but what does it matter im not going back
with the job being werid and stupid im classed as "self employed" so i  can
leave when ever i like i dont need to give notice
well ether way theyre not getting it
i will give the kits back monday and that will be it

so now im tired and my eyes hurt
ive texted a few friends, who have offered to ring me, but i turned them down
as i didnt want to get upset again
but mia is meeting me at 8am for a walk before she goes out for the day
so im glad i get to see her

my moan over with
i will do something with myself i wont sit back on my arse - thats not me
but nether will i make myself ill again and run ragged after a crap company
for £20, im done

My deformed reindeer

Otsukara desu~

Last night at yoga boy did she work us hard =.=
it was really hard work and she enjoys dishing out pain
but i got there
even tho i can usually tune off during yoga i couldnt this wee
i had far too much swirling round my head
in fact ive been feeling a bit stressed and upset about it all
it probably looks from an outsider as very little to get stressed about
but i just dont cope anymore
when i got home i actually took a sleeping tablet, not taking one in ages
i just knew with not having a lot of time to wind down after yoga, and the thoughts
i had, i would not be sleeping that night
so i took that and before i knew it it was morning!!!
I couldnt believe how quick the night went, i slept all the way throught
first time for 2 weeks, tempted to take another tonight XD

in the morning i headed on over to grannys
i drove the short distance as i had a special passenger to take with me...
tiffin! he came with me to grannys
so he had a hop round her house as was such a good little boy
whilst i cut and painted grannys finger nails and toe nails
i also looked at her very swollen legs/ankles and decided to try sooth them
so i got some body butter lathers her ankles on gave a good gentle rub over
once i had done one foot i compared it to the other and it was a different
colour and shape, i had got her circulation going
so i said id do that for her each time i see her

I spoke to mum about my troubles she supports me
and says take one step at a time
i have been a mess with my head
i want to sort my life out
today i even looked at jobs, and studying abroad
something needs to change
and only i can make it change

i sat and made my rather deformed looking reindeer today

im not happy with it, but something has to go at the back of the
tree so i will make sure its not facing this way XD
so heres the collection whats going on the little hanging basket tree

work went fine it was nice being with my group of 8 :)
traffic has been terrible today tho and the whole of this week
where do all these cars come from!?

tomorrow im seeing tara in the morning
and i have the office to go followed by work

xmas cake and candle~

Good Evening~

I was shocked to see it was 9:40am when I awoke today
I wasnt even awake to wish my brother good luck on his first day =.=
I know I didnt sleep well..again..but still 9:40am!!! thats half my morning gone
mum ended up cleaning tiffin out for me =.=
I gt ready quickly so I didnt feel like i lost too much time

I rang work as Mary wanted to change today's after school club
it was "closer" she said and a nice school, the one i went to last time
was nice, the kids were a lil noisy but nothing i couldnt handle
but i thought id be fine swapping schools
so i got all my stuff ready to go
annoying thing is i wont get paid for fuel with this school
what with it being down the road from the office, down the road
from the office not down the road for me, so i lose out on fuel
nothing new there in mad science

i made a couple of decorations for the tree~
christmas cakey and a candle :)
kinda cute I guess

I looked at dance schools again i found a few others
but im still at a loss what to do
ether they are too far away, too late, too expensive or wear a stupid leotard 
i just want to dance!!!
i also looked at colleges to do a teaching assistant course
but im finding that difficult also, its looking like a lot of education
im gonna have to go into a college and speak with someone i think
i have emailed both colleges 1 has got back to me im just waiting for the other
then i'll book myself in to see someone

the school i got to which is through the damn city
hate city runs
the staff were nice, but the kids were so disrespectful to the point
were i just wanted to walk out it was disgusting it really was
i think im gonna email Mary and tell her cus i aint putting up with that next week
the traffic coming home was murder. to say it was "closer" than last weeks school
it certainly took as long travel wise cutting through the city at that kinda day
is just horrible. so i dont feel like i had good day today
i got red food colouring on my t-shirt too, luckily it was old anyway
it was just all these little things put a dampner on my day

i uploaded a dance today, one from my old channel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmTPB6-NpUY

tomorrow morning i am going to see granny
she wants her toe nails & finger nails cutting and painting
then i have work, and i should be seeing mia after for a walk

tonight is yoga and i look forward to tuning off from the day

Gingerbread man & snowman

Hiya all~

Today I woke to the sound of mum shouting "Lily!"
haha its always lily, mum was taking lily & pinky home
so millie and alice could have their morning trot 
as it was too wet AGAIN to put them out in the garden
the mornings have been so dewy and damp, winter is on the way =.=

This morning i spent 1 hour, 1 HOUR sorting out the lesson i was gonna do
i havent done it before and its one were I am doing all the work
and the kids watch and listen, i dont like that way
but theres a lot fire involved so no way could they do the work
it took me ages to practice, learn and sort out
i got there in the end

I started them on my snowman and ginger bread man :D

i ended up finishing them when i got back from work
but i think theyre cute, theyre for my mini tree

I uploaded a dance also~
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nk9OjIy7jtc
my new Youtube channel is going well i think
i have 32 subscribers and 4500+ views
so its going well, its so nice that people take the time to watch me dance
sometimes i wish i could dance on stage, but idols sing as well
and i highly doubt i could sing i mean i never do
ive never been one for singing along with songs or just randomly
having a sing to myself. never
but sometimes in my dreams i dream that i am a idol/popstar kinda thing
when i do im always singing my lungs off til my throat hurts
i throw myself into it. its so unlike me. why do i dream like that?
ive had quite a few on those performance dreams XD
last night i dreamed that i witch in witch school and we were summoning dragons
yeah find the logic in that one XD i havent read, seen, heard anything about magic for a while
anyway moving on ^^"

the class went fine, the only hiccup was the popcorn machine
its a bit on the mental side
Mad Science gave me plastic party bags to serve the popcorn in
but i soon realized that bringing the bag near the machine caused them to melt!!!
so yeah, i got there in end, but lets just say i was picking up popcorn for a while ><

tomorrow I want to get more decorations for the tree done
my brother will start his university course tomorrow too
lynn's husband den was hospitalized yesterday after an ambulance had
to be called, he had a lil stroke on the bus 0.0
i was shocked to hear this, i hope hes doing ok
i want to dance practice tonight~
i have to give my manager a ring in the morning something about she
wants to swap my school round tomorrow >.>

Start of mini tree's decoration

Good Evening

I awoke to the sound of mum shouting "Lily! Lily!"
I thought i best get up and see her before she goes to work
and to see what lily was up to, she was stubborn and wouldnt
come from beneath the kitchen table XD

I sat with millie and alice as it was indoor play
so i sat with my breakfast on the hall floor whilst they
trotted around, the normal really in the morning
theyre getting much more confident now
i just wish millie would speak

I spent the morning doing Mad Science work
at first i thought i had an after school club to do
but when i studied the register i noticed it said 25th on it 
which is friday not monday XD so im working tues - fri this week
so I wrote some notes up for a lesson and i did my time sheet

then i sat on my laptop trying to make sense of teaching courses
theyres level 2 level 3 some you need to be employed at a school
others the course takes a year
i got confused so i emailed both local colleges
i hope i get a reply soon

i had a rest during the day as i felt like it and had the time ^^
i felt so much better afterwards as once again i slept bad
then i got making these

theyre to go the tree i uploaded yesterday
i want to cover the tree in kawaii things, the next ones will
be more "christmasy" like a candle, reindeer, snowman kinda thing

went for a lil walk with mum, i went for a walk yesterday too
its rained loads lately so ive been going for a walk when it actually stops raining

i wanted to talk to mum about my mental health
but i didnt, she is stressed with granny i know she is
and shes putting a brave face on for us all. to trouble her with my problems
is so selfish so i didnt.
basically i made an appt at the doctors to go last friday
but i canceled the appointment as i felt ok, i hadnt heard the voices and had thoughts
for a good week,  and i thought "maybe its actually going as im challenging it and aware of it"
but i know its not gone, its there but i started to not notice it
it insisted i weighed myself, i did, and i didnt break the scales i was around
my usual weight maybe a tad over. so that wasnt good enough to my head
also i went to get lunch today and it was deciding which was less calories porrage or soup
i thought "i shouldnt be worrying about my weight i shouldnt be worry about food"
so clearly its still with me. i really thought it was "leaving" 
im not sure what to do, after speaking to Karen last week telling her that i thought it was getting
better, she told me "ultimately it is all down to you, to challenge your thoughts, to not follow what it says, they can change your medication but its YOU who has to beat it"
shes right and im not sure what to do
i'll probably go doctors next month or something i dont want to worry mum about all this
and incase your wondering, i did go for the soup :) i told it to shut up

tomorrow i have work, but i want to do some crafting in the morning
and i will upload a short dance
thats all for now~