Konbanwa~
I slept better last night
think exhaustion just got to me
so i felt better about the day already~
I sat outside with tiffin for ages this morning whilst reading
and drinking a hot chocolate (chosen breakfast today)
he was sat behind my legs layed out with his face in the sun
he was so happy i didnt want to get up and disturb him so i waited for him to move first
then i sat with millie and alice on the sofa but alice was being mardy and snappy
i went to karen's at 11am and talked about various things
my mental health one of them, shes an ex-nurse so she gets these things
she told me she used her animal cards today and i wanted a go
i havent used these before usually i use her angel cards
i ended up picking 2 up, 2 seemed to call out to me rather than 1
i got the moose and a dragonfly
the moose told me basically im doing what im suppose to
i need to stick to the path im forging and i dont have to please anyone i need
to have confidence in myself
the dragonfly said that i no longer need the masks i wear to please people
i act to please others when it isnt necessary the masks i have used for years
so i was quite shocked at how true they rang out to me
cus yeah i know im on the right path now and as for the masks thats very true
i do act differently round others, done it for years and you kinda lose yourself in it
i think i do it as a way of protecting myself, cus i want to please others, and in some cases
stopping people getting close to me
but i have noticed over the years my masks are crumbling slowly and im more leveled out
and myself round people. all in good time~
I came home and i didnt feel well so i went straight to bed
when i got up i sat and stitched my pikachu
and i can say i finished him!! im shocked at what a pair of socks can make!
i will photograph him for sure~
ive managed to sell stuff on ebay well they have bids on anyway
an angelic cross stitch i made up
a decoden box i made
doctor who badge i got for free in a goodie bag
and some banana earrings i brought and never liked
tomorrow im going swimming with mum again
22 lengths i gotta do damn it!!!
gonna do some dancing but its 27c so i'll be having a shower for sure afterwards~
Evening...
Despite being shattered after watching 8 out 10 cats with my
parents til 10pm i still didnt sleep
took a while to get off then my mum woke me yelling in her sleep >.>
shes gonna be the death of me one day
i fell asleep having a dream the house was being robbed so i frantically
trying to wake up, then once awake i stayed awake in case anything
was happening in the house obviously there wasnt -___-
so i tossed and turned for hours. i decided at 5:30am to read as the sun had risen
so i read for 45mins then i nodded off. woke with a start as i was convinced
mum was yelling "Tiffin!!!" so i woke, threw on my bottoms and ran
rather stiffly down the stairs, to see mum eating her breakfast downstairs
rather startled at my outburst
clearly she hadnt been outside shouting my rabbit
so this morning it was safe to say i was shattered
i got ready for college and headed off at 10:30am
a lil nervous but just wanted to get it over and done with
i met my teacher i think she could sense my uneasyness
she took me into a room and got her tape recorder out and her notes and my file
she told me someone else in my class had been in that morning to do the same
so i thought it cant be too bad if someone has already been before me
we had to state our names to the tape then she began asking me questions
i was looking over at my notes, i couldnt read quick enough and my notes just felt
like a bundle of words about a total different subject, she was trying to prompt me
by pointing at her sheet in front of her i struggled to read upside down
she asked to read my notes, i wouldnt allow it - im traumatized from being criticized
my whole life about what i write
i couldnt do it and what with being so tired and worn down with depression
i cracked
i sobbed
in front of my teacher -___-
i was so annoyed with myself, ive had all week to crack and i did it in front of my teacher
she stopped the tape and gave me a hug
she asked what was wrong i told her i havent been good lately mentally
she asked if it was because it was the holidays i said no as ive had this during school too
we talked a lil about depression as she has bad post natal depression for 2 years and has just come off her medication so she knew what i was going through
so she stood up and left me to go ask her team what can be done, i had
this opportunity to compose myself
she came back and told me i dont have to be recorded
she is to look at my notes (dread) and talk to me about my notes
so that was fair enough she had changed her assessment for me
listing on my reference sheet that due to learning difficulties (dyslexia)
and anxiety issues we had to change the way i was assessed
and that was sooo much better once i got over the thought of her reading my notes
she told me my work was fine. and how amazing i am in school that i do it all so naturally
i just need to have more confidence in myself
which i know, my illness took all my confidence 6 years ago
we arranged to meet again during the holidays
she set me more work (i knew it was coming) and i have til 2nd to do it
when we meet at Costa next time she needed and i quote
"get out of the office for a bit"
so i shall start it tomorrow~
i left the building wanting to have a full on melt down panic attack
i tried to talk myself out of it but i still ended up losing yet more tears
my eyes sting ><
feeling like i couldnt get my breath i just wanted to ring mum and ask to be picked up
but i didnt as i knew the moment i made that call id be a blubbering mess
i got home somehow despite my upset
mum was home and could tell i wasnt right i knew i had to tell her
as it was evident i had been crying so once i again i ended up crying a little
my eyes are truly sore
so i had lunch and a brew both i wanted to bring back up
i went and did some reading
i slept for an hour then i started doing more work to tara's pikachu
i just need to sew the limbs on really a job for tomorrow
my brother took photos on his phone as he likes it the way it is
says it looks like the character from the E-on advert XD
so thats my day
i feel like im losing my mentality slowly
i need help i know i do
mum says shes coming with me to the doctors on monday
tomorrow i have karen
i know shes gonna pick up my depression -__-
Good Evening~
Even after being reunited with my own bed last night
i still didnt sleep well >.>
my parents came home at 11am i was happy to see mum
before they came home i had a quick tidy of the house
Then I have been sewing and working on lynn's present
which i can say is finished!
Im pleased with it, its stitched by using 'free machine embroidery' technique
to those who has no clue what it means
its basically the needle in the sewing machine becomes like a pen
you move the fabric around as if it was a sheet of paper whilst it sews
creating random stitched lines, its a little tricky but once your in the flow its fine
i framed it too with a frame i got from £1 store
im pleased with it~ mum said it was really good ^^
Then i was watching tutorials on youtube of stuff to make
i have plans on things i wish to make
i saw these cute dungarees and i doodled a quick idea and decided thats what
im gonna make! so ive put a bid on these black shorts i need on ebay hopefully i will win!
Then i started doing the pikachu sock plushie for tara's xmas present
but i has had enough of sewing so i quit and read
mia rang to say her friend gave her pokemon heartgold - a game shes been meaning to buy
so i was happy for her. i have pokemon soulsilver. we can now start them again together!
be geeks again and play retro pokemon games
as kids we would just sit in her living room playing pokemon on gameboys then DS
she wants a charmander and eevee so i gotta get them ready XD ditto breeding!
My depression has been shocking lately
i feel cracks on the surface and soon im gonna crumble
im not going to doctors til 22nd tho
i just wanna sleep constantly, i cant be arsed with life, i dont wanna interact with people, i dont want to eat and when i do i get picked on by my head telling me how fat i am and how much weight im putting on, and i keep feeling like something bad is coming. even if a family member is late home my mind goes straight to the worse case scenario like theyve had an accident and died
i dont know how much more i can take
i need help
tomorrow im going to college at 11am to meet one to one with my teacher
whilst she records me asking me questions
so not looking forward to it, i could really do with out it -___-
Good Evening~
Yesterday I didn't blog!
Basically yesterday my parents went away, i was just doing my own thing
and sewing lynn's present
mia texted to ask if i wanted to come over
so i went over for a bit and talked in the sun (cus its been quite sunny lately ^^)
then i suddenly asked her
"wanna sleep over tonight?"
she wasnt seeing rob so yeah she packed her stuff and came over
its good to be spontaneous now and again
I cooked dinner for us as mia cant be trusted to cook food
she just eats it XD i made sausage and bacon pasta it was good :D
we talked and she went through my wardrobe, my necklaces, hair accessories and bracelets
nothing was safe haha
it was because she wanted to choose my outfits yes MY outfits for when we go manchester
I didnt get much of a say in the matter but all well haha
theyre my clothes but just put together differently - tidier some how to how i would wear them
but since then we've changed and outfit - one she didnt arrange to at least i can do that one myself!
gotta get my kawaiiness in somewhere!
we have such different styles
By 10:30pm i was tired and couldnt see the point in staying up
so I said my good nights to my brother and mia and went to go sleep
on my parents new concrete bed -_____-
waking up every 90 mins to turn over and move as i lost circulation
thats not a bed, it would have been more comfy to sleep on the floor i reckon
Meanwhile mia stayed up with my brother i could hear them downstairs
its lovely they are comfortable enough with each other to do that
and i felt grateful to my brother for entertaining her really
as i struggle to stay up, staying up is just effort and more hours in pain
so when i got up 8:30am my brother was already up
he told me they stayed up til 2am! watching youtube and drinking!!!
they were drinking together! brilliant haha
so I came down stairs to empty beer cans
im glad they had a good time
Me and mia ate breakfast outside in the morning sun
with tiffin sitting at our legs :3
she drove me to the sewing shop as she brought a dress over she wanted lengthening with lace
but i didnt have any suitable lace in for her so we had to go get some
came home and i stitched that all up for her, she was happy with the result
and wants to now where that garment to manchester~
she left at 12pm
i cleaned out the pets, fell asleep for an hour cus i was shattered
and i missed my bed T^T
then i was listing junk on ebay for a bit
doing a bit more of lynns present
went for a 15min walk
15mins of yoga
and some dancing
my brother made me dinner!!!
i cant recall ever having dinner made by him
it was a sausage cob and i was grateful as i could not be bothered to make food
tomorrow my parents come home :)
this came in the post today
got it from china for 99p
i want to make a pikachu plush with it for taras present :)
Evening~~
I slept pretty well last night
i was shattered
i didnt even read that much before bed even tho the book
i am reading is quite different and interesting i have to say
This morning I sat with tiffin on my bedroom floor
with millie and alice on my knee haha
tiffin always wants fuss when he sees i have them
jealous big time
but i dont mind, i just sit with my kindle further down my knee XD
I then put them all home and went to do my coursework
my god was it boring really really really boring
i hate laws as it never mind reading and writing about them
but i got it done!!!
so im all set for monday when i have to see my teacher and be recorded
whilst she asks me a load of fun questions -___-
my brother showed me a video today of the
comedian micheal mcintyre i was cringing
it was only a 5 min video but it was about brits on holiday
god it was so true and cringing we showed mum later XD
i did a rough doodle of the collage i want to do for lynn
and i tested it out on a few fabrics cus i want to stitch it in a certain way
and it seemed ok for what i needed it for
i did some reading and went online
and didnt leave the house today
im so lethargic and tired and whats more is im tired of feeling tired
im going doctors on 22nd so im gonna be sure to tell him
i cant go on like this its gonna be a moment of time before i burst in tears
cus i dont feel right
i havent even got a dance done for tomorrow ><
Im currently drinking green tea, its not my favourite thing in the world
but it clears my skin up amazingly and right now my skin is bad
different things work for different people and green tea works for me
but tastes bleh even with sugar
tomorrow my parents are off to derbyshire til sunday :(
i always miss mum i cope fine but it does get lonely round here
as for dad well she can leave him there for me XD
so i got all the pets to look after
here's my nails
i tried to do sakura cherry blossom
but they need work, i didnt like them at first
but they have grown on me
i ordered my 3rd orange eye liner tonight
see how this one fares
Evening~~~
So tired ><
I got up at 8:30am by 9:40am i was in the swimming pool
doing my set 20 lengths
it was the busiest i had ever seen the pool
i was by far the youngest and i think i had the longest hair there too
they were all old people with the same hair styles
does weird me out at times
i think "is that how i will look in 40 years time?"
i stuck behind mum the entire time so then she can carve a
path through the people so i can follow
saves 2 of em battling to get by folk
came home and died
later on mum kindly made me pasta for lunch
after i ate it i needed to sleep
i was shattered and stopped functioning
then when i got up i continued doing helina's tattoo drawing
she has even asked me to go with her!
i feel like saying "next do you want me to have it done for you?"
ive arranged it, drawn it, attending
jeez
but the more i thought about it the more i thought it was a bad idea
when mia went to get her piercing at this tattoo place this year i felt
fainty in there just being around tattoo guns and the noise
i hate needles -____- so i think its a bad idea if i go
so i text mia and she really wants to go with helina to watch it being done
i may be able to get out of this yet!
but here's the doodle i did for her
im yet to hear her opinion on it
then i did a bit more of my pikachu drawing
looks a little random at the moment i know
its gonna be pikachu counting the pokemon mareep
like we count sheep to sleep - well i dont
then i was faffing around with my hair extensions
managed to attach one to a hair clip/claw so it will be more secure than
simply tying it in, i cant wait to give it a go
mum and me both commented on how freaking light my hair is!
its like i woke up this morning with a new hair colour!
but i quite like it i guess
usually i dont like my blond hair as it reminds me of how i used to look in high school XD
tomorrow gonna get my coursework done as i couldnt face doing it today
and might start something crafty yet
Good Evening~
I woke up at 6:45am
next thing I knew mum was waking me up at 8:50am 0.0
I started going online whilst my brother chose to blast
his music out down stairs to which i couldnt concentrate on my
coursework so i waited til he had done
which wasnt too long luckily so i could crack on with another section
of coursework - wish someone else would do it for me -_____-
the sections i had to do start with the word 'demonstrate'
so i thought 'how do i write about me demonstrating? shouldnt i be observed doing this?'
i was stuck on one section and i googled it and it said
"your suppose to be doing this not writing it"
so my theory was confirmed. i tried my best but left one blank cus i didnt get it
hopefully by tomorrow it will be all done
post man came to deliver my converse today!!!!
i was sooooooo happy cus i couldnt wait to see them!
i was not disappointed anyway
check em out
certainly different right?
ive never had a pair like this, usually im more subtle
im not sure on the laces tho :/ but i might get some use
out of them before i change them, if i change them, they may grow on me yet
and they fit fine too~
a complete bargin ^^
dont wanna wear and scuff em up now ><
i did some more drawing of helina's tattoo
i feel its pointless tho cus i cant see her going through with it
but anyway i suppose i'll get on with it :/
me mum and my brother went out to a few stores
i got some crafty things and a picture frame i plan on filling for lynn's birthday
wanna do a collage
went for a walk with mia before dinner
it was good to see her :)
tomorrow i have got swimming and i have 20 lengths to do this week!!!!!
that seems like so much!!!!
hope i can do it!
