Otsukaresama Deshita~~
I didn't wanna get up today
just felt like a weekend some how
anyway I got up for school
my last day at my old primary school
I arrived and had plenty of students asking the same question
"is it your last day today?"
yep sure is! thats what i thought anyway
at 11am the dept head (my mentor) came up to me and said
"we need some TA cover for 2 days in January are you up for that?"
I couldnt believe she was actually willing to PAY me you know?
so of course I took it, my first bit of paid work since finishing my course!
So it looks like im returning in the new year~
I had half the class to monitor on computers whilst the other half did P.E. with the teacher
so that was an easy morning really then we played games
i just drew things for people really
during lunch the head teacher gave us all a card with a scratch card inside
i thought 'odd' i won £1!!! haha one whole pound!
The year 3 teacher she gave me a card and a lil present which was really nice of her
a girl drew me a lovely picture, another girl gave me a chocolate orange
after lunch i had to go up with the whole of key stage 2 (4 classes)
to the local church, we walked up its hardly far but feels further when you have
so many kids to watch for and both your hands are held by children
i really really really didnt wanna go church!
it was to practice for the carols tomorrow which the school has done for decades
kinda a tradition
i had to do it as a child
real chore but at least i wasnt the one singing!
then we came back
had break time were i had loads of year 3s holding every limb possible telling me
"don't leave!!!" "please i dont want you to go!!"
making it hard for me! i didnt get upset
but some students did
i gave them to card i made they liked it ^^
they had done me a class card with little messages in side which was sweet
the year 6 teacher thanked me at the end of the day
he came towards me and my natural reaction was to move back
i wasnt sure if he was gonna hug me
really dont have much confidence with guys huh
so i left and i was done
graduated for the second time at that school!
glad i got to do my training there
i have worked damn hard there tho!
got back and had pets out
made myself cheese on toast
tiffin peed on my bed - thanks tiffin!
tomorrow i have got the day to do what i please~
here were my christmas nails for last week
took an hour
Evening~~~
I had a lazy morning
just putting some songs on itunes really
i had lunch
then at 2pm i was to leave to go see seth
but my parents decided they wanted to walk round the same area
i planned to walk round before i met up with seth
so they basically asked if we went together
i didnt mind i guess but i was looking forward to doing something BY MYSELF
also it would have given my car a good run out as i dont take it far when i use it
it meant dad coming also -______- so i was little put out but what can you do
i think sometimes its a case that mum doesnt want to be left alone with dad XD
so we walked round
or should i say power marched round
i had planned to have a drink half way round at the cafe
but dad marched on through, there was no offer of a drink what so ever
we left and went to white post farm to which my parents dropped me off
to go somewhere else whilst i saw seth
the people on the farm let me straight on in ^^
everyone was really nice to me
i looked round the animals on the way to seth as i couldnt help myself
i stroked a donkey, saw two reindeers, and best part i help a young guinea pig!!!
i was quite happy ^^
then i went in search of seth i found him straight away
couldnt miss him
i spoke to him for 5mins then a load of kids came so he went to work
i went round the farm
then he finished up and took me to his 'trailer' i said "you make it sound like your a movie star!"
he said "i can assure you its not that glamorous" true to his word it wasnt XD
so he got changed then walked with me to the car
my parents were waiting he said hello and stuff to them
then we went home
after seeing baby bunnies i wanted my own ^^
so ive been with tiffs
my beautiful boy~
tomorrow is my last day at my old primary school ><
im wearing a my red and black tartan dress i altered for my last day~
always fashionable ^^
painted my nails already
gold and and pink, simple really and a bit glittery
here are some hand made cards ive done
one for my head dressers - they salon is grey and white
a yoga styled xmas card for yoga teacher karen
a thank you card for the staff at school
a xmas card for karen -she loves trees
and two british styled cards for nienke and anouk (can't remember if i uploaded them or not!!)
Evening~~
I'm pushing myself to blog tonight
i want to gain some normality into my life
This morning was a challenge
i stayed curled up on the sofa til mum told me to go to bed
i didnt fall asleep but i motivated myself at 11am
i went for a walk with mum
my legs were like dead weights
mum tried to talk to me about my depression whilst we were on the walk
but i didnt want to talk whilst walking as it would have led to tears
so i didnt say a great deal
but i think she wants me to try counseling in the new year -___-
i just dont get how telling another person your problems helps
i tell mum but feel no better
mum says they give coping strategies
I got back and had lunch
then went on my laptop for bit
wrote my cards for monday - monday is my last day at school
did a bit of dancing
made a CD for my car as im getting sick of the ones i have in there
i wish i could burn songs from my ipod then id have an awsum CD collection XD
I brought a DVD online today
its Momoiro Clover Z live
I have never brought their dvds before as they fetch for £45+
and that is A LOT to spend on a concert DVD its not like its a big boxset series or anything
but I found this one second hand for £19 and I thought it over til i thought
"ah sod it no one else is gonna buy it me"
so I brought it and pray it arrives safely next year.
I took some photos of my pets today well pinks and tiffin really
tried to do a christmas photo of them
im yet to check how the photos came out
here's my xmas decorations this year
im only allowed to decorate the living room so yeah i tried my best~
I was watching my C-ute concert dvd whilst decorating
before that i was watching Rock n' Buono3 DVD :3
tomorrow I am off to a place called "white post farm"
its a good 30+ min drive away from here
but Seth is playing santa there and I gotta see it with my own eyes
i havent seen Seth since last September when I left Mad Science
we both no longer work for mad science but kept in touch.
im gonna go for a walk round another area first then pull into white post
i am family with white post farm as i used to go as a child also my first bunny - sky - was brought from there :) its easy to get there just a dull drive
hence the CD making XD
It was brought to my attention that it has been over a week since I blogged
I still don't feel quite up to returning yet but i will try
even if i end up not blogging tomorrow or the next day
today is better than nothing right?
I have been suffering from my depression big style lately
thats been my disappearance from online
ive basically been that unhappy and sad that i didnt feel like i wanted to write up or share my bouts of depression with people as its not nice to write or read.
I will give a quick brief on the past 9 days
Nienke and Anouk had their last day at school and were moved to tears from the amount of love and gratitude they received from the students. it was really lovely
i met there teachers also. they encouraged me to go over to the Netherlands
My depression started brewing up from there really
it just spiraled out of control
i imagine my depression as a jar in my head
i keep the lid on very very tight but when i am weak or upset the lid loosens
if i am strong enough i can screw the lid on again and get on with the day
lately the lid has been falling off and rolling away....
I have broke down in tears many times over silly things
tiffin has been poorly and i went to call the vets up, i broke crying before they picked up so i put the phone down.
every piece of art and craft i did i hated and binned
i have tried to record dances several times but end up deleting those also
nothing was good enough and so i lost my motivation
i slept a lot to escape my thoughts
it was the thoughts and the general bleak unhappiness that was consuming me
take today for instance i was rushed off my feet at school
i didnt stop as it was christmas activity day - a busy and stressful day
the head TA had been on my case all day ordering me around like a bloody skivy
no one was there with pleases and thank yous
and at the end of the day i couldnt find a cloth she asked for and that was it
i just broke down crying i ran to the toilets to try and dispel the anxiety attack
i couldnt so i left school without telling anyone - it was home time anyway to be honest
so i cycled home crying
sobbed to my mum when i got in
i just cant handle anything at the moment
im sure i'll break out of this
i usually do
its hard to find the strength to pick myself up
this is another reason i dont date
i wouldnt want someone to have to put up with this side of me i can see its hard
enough on my mum seeing me sob my eyes out over the stupidest of matters
so thats me
i am ok physically just not mentally
i will be tho
i will be ok
just bare with me
and this is all truth and not attention seeking or
feeling sorry for myself
i wasnt even gonna mention any of this i was just gonna return all happy and smiles again
but some people began to become concerned on my where abouts.
thank you to all those keeping me in your thoughts
Good Evening~~
I slept pretty well last night
mum woke me at 8:30am cus we needed to get off into the city center
So we got ready and left the house just about 9:30am
we could leave earlier if we didnt have the pets out XD
The city was busy but that was to be expected
still it wasnt too bad really
we went all over and got a fair bit actually
i was really done in from walking and carrying bags
we did both get our annual hot chocolate from the christmas market
i try to have a different flavour each year
this year it was chocolate orange~
I picked up some joggers, a dress which a lil weird but only £6!!! reduced ^^
oh and a 3/4 sleeve top reduced to £4! its peach coloured ^^
mum got a fair bit actually im glad she did
we caught the bus back to the car then drove to a pound shop cus we needed a few bits
i was well happy as i found a Kuromi plush!!!!
Look Look!!! Amazing right!
They had my My Melody plush too i was so surprised
i should photograph them together now theyre re-united
i got my My Melody plush a few years back from the city center for like £5!
poundshops are amazing~
We came home and soup for lunch
I went to bed mum kindly cleaned out the pets~
I got up and wrote Nienke's and Anouk's card
I also wrote things on my new calender
then I went for a walk with mia and helina
had dinner
now im here~
Tomorrow im at school and its Nienke's and Anouk's last day!!!!!! T^T
so Im taking in their cards and plushies :3
I hope they dont forget me ><
I will wear something good tomorrow as i wanna take a photo with them X3
Konbanwa
Jeez the fog today!!! It was like a thick mist
almost like being in a cloud
the sun didnt seem to come out today to burn the mist off
so we had it allllll day >.> cold and damp allllll day
This morning i went post office
jeez the line was soooooooo long!
but i got there. i dont want to think how much ive spent on postage
its sickening
so expensive to post anything now days
then i came home
i went on my laptop and applied for another school job
then i went to start making the soup mum asked me to do
hung washing up
mum came home i put shopping away
ate lunch
then we went to my college to pick up my folder
didnt see my teacher but i knew i wouldnt
then we went to a garden shop
i got a new plant as bugs ate mine >.>
so i can re-pot that at some point
i got a lil present for my hair dresser too
i'll photograph it
feel like i have a few things to photo lately actually ut keep forgetting
ive had crummy belly ache, sickness and dizziness since lunch
anyone would think im bloody pregnant XD i have no idea why im feeling this way
i suppose to see mia but i didnt cus i felt cruddy and i didnt wanna get cold also
so ive been home
agencies ringing me left right and center
not sure how to pass my evening yet
tomorrow going into the city center with mum
she wants a few bits before xmas
this could be the last time i go to the city center this year!
Nienke and Anouk finally txted me they are fine and feeling better
i was a lil worried
i cant wait to give them their cards (still need to photo) and their plushies
they are called Hagelslag i laughed cus of the SLAG bit at the end XD Nienke didnt get it XD
Basically hagelslag is bread with chocolate sprinkles on well any sprinkles really you can use butter or peanut butter also
ive had it
its nice :)
Good Evening~~
I couldn't get off to sleep last night
my brother has his tv on loud listening to the final of 'im a celebrity get me out of here'
my parents also had it on so it was double blasting XD
Even after everyone came to bed i still couldnt sleep
i had nightmares
i tossed and turned
got about 3-4 hours sleep
but still got up at 7am for school!!!
We did maths which i found difficult
followed by boring english
Nienke and Anouk were both off poorly
i txted Nienke but she didn't reply...slightly worried as they have never both been off together
and to not reply seems a lil off
but im sure its all fine
Nienke was suppose to teach tho today :/
I was tasked with making a card for her for the kids to sign
During lunch I was putting up a display for year 3
the teacher was pleased
the head teacher came round
"who has done the lettering for this?"
"me"
she gave me a smile and pat on the back =^.^=
after lunch i did odd jobs then it was art where i drew loads of random
christmas things for the kids
home time i came
I went to leave and saw the head teacher i told her i was leaving at christmas
she was saddened but understood that i needed to earn money
so we talked briefly before a parent needed to talk to her
i know the school will miss my presence i will also miss the school
i came
home had a brew
checked my laptop
went did 5 mins of skipping
shower and now im gonna dance i think
tomorrow i have post office to do~
im thinking of collecting my college folder also actually
i have cards and something for my hair dresser to make so i have stuff to do
my nails from last night
