It's like I'm at the bottom of a well

Evening

Last night was a repeat of last sunday night
I once again couldnt sleep and lay there aching
mum said she heard me sleep talking "why can't I sleep?" ><
I was quite tired come morning but it was a lovely bright morning
so that made it all feel better :)

School was alright really the child I care for
was very tired herself so it was difficult to get her work or stay on task
but the morning soon went

I came home and had cheese on toast
then did some dancing! I had a right fun time and sweated
so hopefully i will sleep tonight
then I layed out on my bed hoping i'd fall asleep before adam came over
no such luck, he'd worked hard to finish early for me ><

We played pokemon and I watched him play as well
he cuddled me and we talked about stuff
i went and got a shower then dressed for dinner
didnt bother with hair or make-up cus quite frankly i could not be arsed!!

I had fish pie, then shared a chocolate cake and ice cream with adam
it was good a lil pricey tho i have to say

just tired
i know im tired cus i struggle mentally
i struggled about how many calories must be in the food i was choosing for dinner
i struggle with adam (i hide it well)
its hard seeing someone so often cus im simply exhausted from work AND socializing 
realistically right now my body can only handle one or the other
but once again i push myself

I was trying to explain to mum the way i feel
i feel numb, ive never had fancy feeling for guys
its never ever been there almost like i was never given the hormone 
i feel like i'm in the bottom of a well by myself and adam is at the top extending his hand to me to join him in life and some days i latch onto that arm wanting to be part of a 'normal' life other days i feel like pushing the hand away and keeping to my loneliness not needing anyone
but surely if you like LIKE someone you should want to be with them all times right?
so why do i have moments of not wanting or needing anyone?
i feel its in my genes
my dad's side of the family - his uncle, his sister. never married no kids no relationships. nothing
just alone
and i refuse to let that become my future
i do not want to be alone
but im struggling to make that jump into life. and im not sure why im struggling....
anyway enough of that its depressing me

Tomorrow I have school then im FINALLY seeing mia for a walk i believe after she'd finished work. be good to actually see my lovely sister. prehaps she can talk some sense into me!
cus when i dwell on stuff for too long at the moment i find im holding tears back!

I got this make-up the other day
its a pink eyeshadow liner i use it to line my eyes. it's brand is Lioele and its really nice actually as it's subtle i will keep posting make-up as and when it comes! 

 

First holiday of 2017 Booked~~

Good Evening~

I didn't sleep brilliantly 
for one I kept waking up with stomach ache god knows why
when I woke up at 8:30am i didnt wanna get up
woke up an hour later then crawled out of bed just before 10am ><

I cleaned my room cus it was getting a lil dusty
i like to stay on top of it ^^
Then I sorted some stuff out on my laptop
and had lunch
Tiffin has been in a mood today

Adam decided he wanted to walk over to my house
but it was raining! So i had said I was gonna fetch him
so in the end i met him a few mins from home then we walked the rest
of the way together :)
It felt good to get some fresh air even tho it was cold ><

Then he stayed at mine from about 2ish til 6pm
we booked my first holiday of 2017!
We had talked about going away and I suggested easter holidays
cus ive got 2 weeks to kill!
so we've decided to go south yorkshire (me and ed went last year)
we're staying in a old hall on grounds that has its own lake
theyres an indoor swimming pool also :D
it was surprisingly cheap actually
so for 2 nights and train there and back its cost us £71 each!! good bargin actually
so thats 3-5th april
i feel i trust adam enough other wise i wouldnt even suggest going away
and he knows not to expect anything if you know what i mean
hes happy to go at my pace and be patient 
cus if he expected me to 'give up the goods' i wouldnt go away with him. no freakin' way
we just enjoy each others company :)

Then we played pokemon i was teaching him about Wonder Trade
and then we ate the cake he brought round for me! I didnt ask him to but it was a lovely surprise
and his mum had made it too!!
then we just talked and he cuddled me ^^
tiffin went for both of us >< right mardy rabbit

tomorrow I have school in the morning
then adam has work til about 2ish then he insists on taking the bus
from work to my house then we're going out for dinner later :)

Mum went out with dad today
and she randomly brought this for me

random but cute i love it
it's on the back of my door
need to name her!

More charity shop finds

Good Evening

Man how good did it feel to not be woken at 7am!!
It was nice waking up to see 9:15
even tho that takes some time from my morning it still feels really
good mentally and physically
I got up and took it easy this morning in getting ready
I was to meet adam at 11am

I picked him up and we basically went to 3 towns
i drove of course i do wish he could drive!!
We went round over 10 charity shops
I found 2 good buys!
this jumper from quite an expensive brand for £5 it has stars and a bunny!

Then a tartan skirt i have never had a pink on before but what is great about it is

theyre actually shorts!! These were £2.99 and originally from River Island - theyre stuff aint cheap!
so good bargins ^^

At lunch I had leak and potato soup which was handmade and served with handmade bread
i had a cup of tea and it came to £5.50 really good food and great value i was impressed
adam had a flippin' burger, chips, onion rings you name it XD
The last cafe we went to we both had a scoop of ice cream
my first ice cream of the year! realy good ^^

I came home and rested really
cus i need to rest
I organized going to the kitty cafe again with helina
thats happening on the 10th march :D im gonna go after school with her :)
we're due a catch up~~
I chose what nails I want to paint this week
gonna do clouds/weather as i think the kids at school will like them

tomorrow adam is gonna come over after lunch i believe
we're just gonna play pokemon, chill out and yeah just enjoy each others company
hes very patient with me. he tries to put my insecurities and worries to rest  but its easily said than done but it does make me feel better to hear it said. he willing to patient with me, he wants to understand me, he doesnt expect anything of me, he wont get bored of me. But i still have doubts but i think thats me cus he hasnt done anything wrong its just me feeling small really.

i actually had the energy for dance last night
got sweaty and did warm down with yoga moves
i plan to do the same tonight!!! 
oh and i weighed myself this morning cus i was absoultely convinced i had put weight on, i felt big and my thoughts  were relentless. so i bit the bullet and weighed myself. i weighed my usual 54kg...how is that possible? and why was i so convinced that i had put weight on? is my head messing me and getting the better of me? bit worrying but im glad i havent put weight on cus christ that is not a good road to go down!

Finally 3rd time lucky we got to go out!

Evening

Man I could not sleep last night
just ached in bed big style
Not sure what's gone wrong with me this week
but it's wearing a lil thin now!!!
So of course I was tired when I woke up but no change there

Got to school
I did some maths and english with the child then it was indoor play
cus it was throwing it down out there 
Then p.e. in the hall
so pretty easy but i was just done in and i had a lot of staff asking
"are you alright today Jo?" 
guess I must have looked how I felt ><

On wednesday I took a spare SATS paper home
SATS are the end of year exams year 6 take so the government knows how well the school is performing basically, but what the school tells the kids is that the tests happen so that the High School next year knows how smart you are. loads of rubbish as when you start high school you sit CATS tests in your first month to find out your intelligence 
anyway the other student Joe at school took the paper he was disgusted with himself for only achieving 29/35. i said "i'd be happy with that score! I'd like to have ago myself"
to which at this point the head teacher homes in says "there is a spare paper"
eep...me and my big mouth
next thing i know one is in my face!! so i took it home to do
before you think anything
no i did not cheat
us what would be the point? i wanted to see how bad/well id do
so i took it in yesterday for marking
and today i got the results...(luckily i made sure it wasnt gonna be marked by head teacher!!!!!)
24/35....jesus
i was horrified XD

Anyway this lunch I came home 
mum and mum headed on out to Tiffin's cafe
it was pretty easy to find
it was very retro
lacey tables and pastel colours, old china cups thats kinda scene
i would have been more than happy to have tea and cake instead of lunch as well
but i didnt think mum would let me get away with that
so i ended up having sausage baguette which was very good
the tomato sauce i asked for came in a mini jam pot!!
the earl grey tea we ordered came in a beautiful tea pot, it was fresh leaves!!!! and the milk pourer was in the shape of a dove!! so pretty
then we knew we had to have cake but we were both full
but both had a piece of butter scotch cake
my god it was the best cake id had in a long while
i didnt want it to end
then i felt very very sick
so i wrapped it up and took the rest home mum didnt finish hers ether
but it was good to finally get out as this was the 3rd time we'd planned it
after we hit some charity shops
i picked up a coat for school cus mine is scruffy now
it was only £6.99

came home and chilled out really with pets
cus it was too wet for em to go out 
then i spent almost 2 hours doing make-up research
im trying to find ways to brighten/lighten/whiten my skin
but i HATE wearing a lot of make up. i just never do it
i dont own foundation cus its just horrible stuff. i use bare minium on my actual face
my eyes have more make-up on them 
so i looked at many products, reviews, brands
my head spun!
I like asian brands. mostly korean and japanese ^^
so i've ordered bits and pieces i will upload em~

Tomorrow I am seeing adam
not sure yet whats happening!

Here are this week's nails
pinks!

 

World Book Day

Good Evening~~

I was cold again last night and the rain lashing against my window
woke me up a couple of times 
crummy weather

It took me ages to get ready this morning as it was World Book Day
and I was dressing up as Angelina Ballerina!! So make-up was difficult

But I think I did an ok job
I put my own spin on the character ^^
a lot of people said I was cute!

School was fun as everyone put 6 people were dressed up!
we had a lot of "where's wally?" characters XD and halloween costumes of course!
It started with an assembly then the child in my care went to the doctors so for an hour
of my morning I spent it listening to readers. Very easy
Then the child returned. We did some work and painted the hot air balloon too :) 
then it was home time really
so easy day

Came home ate lunch and went to bed!
Im so tired i think its cus im busy and its cold 
my head wont shut up about food its peeing me off no end
adam is fine with me. i would have seen him today had i not got yoga
so we're meeting on saturday :) cus he works 11 hours on fridays
jeez id hate to work that long!!!

tomorrow just last day at school in the morning
then afternoon me and mum are trying for the 3rd time to go out for lunch!!!!

My insecurities

Evening

It was another cold night and i was once again cold in bed
god knows why I didnt think to get an extra blanket -____- brain dead

I had school today and felt anxious about going
I told the TA in the classroom (she too has M.E.) and she put my worries to rest
We had P.E. first thing which was easy enough
then break then the child I was looking after became a bit hard work
I think she was tired actually. 
I came home and I was just shattered physically and mentally
not sure whats going on mentally

So I was suppose to meet with Adam after lunch
i txted to say 'I need to time to chill out from school before I come over'
He said 'you can chill out with me' i was keeping him in the dark how I felt really i was on my bed
reading and resting. I said 'I'll be over at 2pm'
well you'll never guess what happened next
i fell asleep didnt I...
Yep it 2:30pm when I woke
I woke to about 6 txt messages
I couldnt say sorry enough and thats when it kicked off...

he had a bit of go at me, which i gave back saying i wasnt happy about even needing a sleep and that id kept my illnesses away from him so not to trouble him and the first time i cause a bit of bother he has a go. I apologized of course i did. but he wasnt happy with me. So i put my phone in my draw and cried a lil cus i felt like "will anyone understand me?". Immature to put my phone away but with how I have been mentally I just couldnt face it. In all honestly my phone is still in the draw and its 9pm! anyway

mum came home and talked to me.

but she said to give adam time and to be more open cus he didnt know how i was feeling. its just me not wanting to let people down. i wasn't responding to adam cus i couldnt face it i thought he'd be really angry at me you know.

then the door bell goes

its adam with cake as he's walked 50mins to get to my house!

so we talked it out and it was all fine. i just find it hard to let people into my life i think. i dont like to trouble people.

he stayed a couple of hours then i took him home
but i felt so much better about it 
i think I would have been in real down mood for the rest of the night if he hadnt shown up
he'd given me cuddles and everything was forgiven and he told me what he wants to do together at the weekend and stuff. I just don't get how he doesnt dislike me

I havent done much since
cus im just shattered quite honestly
tomorrow it is 'World Book Day'
I am dressing up as Angelina Ballerina 
I plan to take a photo :D
Here were last week's nails not sure if I showed them or not 

 

22 Birthdays

Good Evening~~


Today is my brothers birthday!!! yay yay he turns 22 today!! :D
I've put up with him 22 years. scary! XD
He took the 'join the dots naughty positions' book I had brought and wrapped for him to college. He opened it there and had a laugh with people. One of his class mates was completing one, went to the teacher saying "ive finished one" the teacher laughed and said "whos is that?" "oh its not mine" "course it isnt" my brother recorded it all XD im glad he found it amusing in his day. 
I also gave him the two t-shirts i brought from manchester last year with mia and a scarf~
he liked his gifts :D mum made him some biscuits cus he prefers biscuits to cake DX 
I hope he manages to celebrate his birthday 
I think most he wants to do with us is a take away pizza on friday night

Man was I cold last night
I couldnt get to sleep once again. I was roasting as well
but I ended up cold and about 5 hours sleep
getting up at 7am to a freezing house was no something I enjoyed
I must have walked round the house tense and with a face on me XD

School I had a talk with the teacher about the child I provide care for
she wants the child to be more involved in the class which works for me
and I understand she still needs to be apart of her class but a lot of the time
i personally think she could be doing some more productive than on the carpet
with her class mates not understanding a thing whats being said
but its a fine line 
but today we did some painting, another layer of her hot air balloon
english and maths she got it all done today
apparently she was tired yesterday afternoon! i had tired her out!!!
She's 6 she should have more energy than me XD
I hope I can get it all right. I just keep doing my best

Got home and mum had soup on for me ^^
which was nice of her
Then we both went outside to clean our cars
cus my god my car!!! It has not been done this year
so I hoovered, polished the inside then washed the outside it looks much better
and hopefully when new freshener comes it will smell better too

Then I went for a walk with mum
came in and did some cross stitching whilst watching Jon Richardson  'how to survive the end of the world' which I had missed last week.
Then I went upstairs and made a pair of mouse ears for my cosplay on thursday
I have it all ready now :)

Now im trying to do some stretches and dances before shower
then sit with tiffs
Im feeling really anxious today im not sure whats gone off
seems to get worse if i think about adam which just puts me into doubt
normally if you like someone you should want to see em and be happy if you think of them right?
but today ive felt nothing but anxiety about it all. The anxiety has affected my head also so tonight im gonna take sleeping tablets as i have a strong feeling i aint gonna sleep tonight with my head a mess.
hopefully it will all be ok tomorrow
hate anxiety but i dont let it mess my day up!
I could quite easily not the leave the house tomorrow but as much as id like to do that i know id really hate myself for giving in and not going out.
so sod the anxiety 

Tomorrow I have school once again
and hopefully just to lunch time ^^
Then I think im seeing adam tomorrow at some point...? who knows! 

Im gonna wear this new hair tie/scrunchie i have 

it's based on Dedenne from Pokemon :D
I won it in a bid auction for £3.10 ^^ well happy
I havent worn it yet~