Konbanwa~~
This is Jozu who hasnt practiced her japanese in a week!
naughty naughty ><
ahhhhh im struggling
no other word for it
me and my head are at war
its been brewing i could feel it and today i feel like i understand
what schizophrenics go through
it's like having a constant voice a constant noise and im not sure its
thoughts or voices i feel like i literally telling who ever is in my head to f*** off!!!
im not sure what to do
my stomach for a very long time hasnt been right and this week it feels and behaves the
way it did when i was 18 its like stressed and feels like its tied in a knot
to cure it I had acupuncture which was like torture to me
i considered going to go back and have it
but the thought of laying down with those needles in me makes me want to cry
well i did used to cry actually
i thought about getting in contact with someone who deals in mental health
because i think im getting stressed stomach because of my thoughts
my thoughts are stressing me out about my eating and about my insecurities
and now adam is in my life thats kinda like a new target for it
telling me how bored he will be of me and it wont last long
just my insecurities
i dont know what to do
theres other stuff as well my head talks about. stuff that to write down will seem like complete madness its something i have never told anyone. and even when i have approached the subject with mia and with mum i could tell it scared them so i never mentioned it again because i didnt want them to worry or look at me different cus what i have going on in my own head
scares me
i dont want to be like this
i want to be free
but i have no idea how to go about any of this
i feel quite alone with it all actually
anyway today
i was surprised to see mum wake me up at 8:30am with pinks
i had taken sleeping pills and slept through the night
it felt like id only slept and hour! i cant actually remember the last time a night
went so damn fast and i slept through!
I was sewing and I got Oz's blanket finished and I am really pleased
with it actually because for a while I was unsure of the design and changing
it all as i went through it all
i photographed it :)
then started on lolita bows
did all of this whilst watching 'Vampire Diaries' which Im getting quite into actually
and as usual my favourite character is the psychotic one
seem to draw to the psychos some how
probably cus i can relate to their way of thinking XD
I didnt bother filling in that job form cus i just thought they wouldnt have me anyway
private school - i wont be posh enough for em
Been with the pets and stuff cus its been a bit
cold and miserable out there today
Oz even given the option to play outside chooses to stay in his cage!
he is the complete opposite of tiffin
I had yoga which wasnt good actually
didnt enjoy it
tomorrow I have doctors at 8:50am cus my skin is still in bad condition
just flakes away and is sore to touch at times looks so red too
not nice really
then at 10am Oz has his injections! bless him
then I think me and mum are traveling to the other side of town for a few clothe stores :)
Good Evening~~
I actually slept!!! wooo!
I woke up at 9am to find mum had kindly cleaned the girls out for me
it was a real cold bitter morning
its freakin' april -____________-
Well this morning all I did was sew really
as I discovered that Oz's blanket is a tad small
so I needed a border which took time
then I hand stitched his date of birth on it
it doesnt look as if ive improved it since yesterday really
did all this whilst my brother was playing with his new macbook pro
he'd got at about 9am this morning
he said and I quote "it's pure pornography" XD
I went to meet adam after lunch and he'd finished his gym session
i parked up at his house then we walked in the cold to the charity shops
but there was nothing good really nothing i could see to do up even /:
so we walked back to his house
sat and had a brew but I was still cold
so i asked to go on his bed cus thats comfier than the wooden seats
in the hope i would warm up
we played on pokemon for a lil while til he turned his off and gave me a cuddle
i turned mine off to cuddle him back
and i think we just laid there for like an hour
i was trying not to drop off to sleep cus it was the first time i'd been warm in the last 2 hours
and its nice being all cuddled and wrapped up
he hardly ever lets me under his bed sheets cus he knows...
i get warm and that tends to equal me falling asleep or becoming tired at the least XD
but he let me ^^ so I enjoyed my afternoon~
we talked about a lot of stuff really about moments we've shared and such
i got home and 30mins later went for a walk with mia
it was good to see her again :)
she was disappointed cus the 3rd house she's wanted isn't as good as its made out to be
and shes unsure whether she wants to go through with it
i personally have a gut feeling its not a good buy and i told her that but its her decision
and rob's of course
came home had dinner
left a tiny amount and got the wrath of mum and dad set upon me
i just didnt want what i was eating
so made a piece of cheese on toast simply to shut them up
theyre right i know they are but they dont have go on at me >.>
tomorrow I am sewing and gonna try get Oz's blanket finished
I got a skirt in the post today but its a lot shorter than I thought!
so that needs a bit of alterations doing cus i wont wear it otherwise
i have lolita bows i want to make as well
never did any more of that 10 page job form
just never had the time today
but i will tackle more of that tomorrow
its soul destroying knowing you spend hours filling out a form
to not even get a reply - probably
t-shirt new for £4.20 i got online :D
Evening~~~
I didn't sleep
I had my nightmare pay me a visit
I ended up tearing off a head from their shoulders which splattered me with blood
to which I woke up sweating
I couldnt sleep for some time then.
so annoying these nightmares
I did some sewing and got further with Oz's blanket
its really coming along
I sat looking through my Japanese fashion books
just for inspiration really and I found a style of hair bow I'd like to try
I rested then got ready to meet adam
I picked him up from the gym and went into a town
I went on a market I havent been too in months! (was spending too much there!)
The stall lady remembered me and she always knocks money off for me
even tho her stuff is so cheap
I mean these bracelets were £1 each!!!!
I also got a cute little hair bow she didn't charge me for and finally
2 chokers for £1 each
so I spent a total of £4
you can't even buy some of these items for £4!!!
Then we hit the charity shops
I picked up this skirt for £3.99 it H&M thought it was cool cus its so different
and then a top for £2.99 its Miss Fiori and I plan on maybe sprucing it up a bit ;)
then we came home and had a brew in the lovely sunshine baring in mind that it was
SNOWING yes SNOWING whilst we looked round charity shops
just what the hell is wrong with british weather!?
one moment we had snow then the next we're in t-shirt at the top of the garden
all in the space of 2 hours!!!!!
then we had a play fight inside when the weather turned cold once again
he kicked me off my bed twice -________________-
but told me later he loved me ^^
I took him home
and since then just been with pets
and trying to fill in a job application that is 10 pages long
i will finish it tomorrow ><
tomorrow seeing adam again at some point or another
and hopefully mia too
Evening~
Didn't blog yesterday cus I didn't get home til 9:15pm
and quite frankly I could not be arsed to turn my laptop on
and write, I just wanted a shower and bed! I was shattered truly shattered
anyway~ the reason for the title of this entry
basically the last time I blogged I finished up at 7:45pm
I closed my laptop down and thought 'I'll go ged Oz in from outside'
I hadn't seen him for a bout 15mins or so but I wasnt concerned
but upon going outside and looking for him I couldnt find him
but didn't panic cus i thought 'he's no doubt in bush or something'
mum came out after she saw me looking for 5-10mins
we couldnt find him...
20mins had passed and we'd turned the house, garden and shed upside down
i was trying to keep my breathing under control
dad was there saying "well he's got out hasnt he, he could be anywhere or someone could have even snatched him I suppose"
thanks dad. thanks for that one. im trying not to have a panic attack and look for my baby and you go and say stuff like that!!!!!!
So we were out on the drive way looking for him, looking over neighbour's fences
he could not have got out tho. we've never had this problem before. never
at this point i did have tears down my face but i wasnt crying and my breathing was turning into a panic mode of breathing
my family were all out the front
i came back round to the back door and movement caught my eye
who was underneath their hutch? Oz of course he was
so i called him he came from under his hutch and i scooped him up at this point i was crying with relief cus i was worried sick for him
i came to tell my family and mum was relieved i could see her holding tears back
dad and brother just went inside
30mins of absolute terror there. really thought he'd gone
but where the hell had he'd been? cus obviously all 4 of us looked under his damn hutch
next day he was out and about
i was off to adam's house so i went to get Oz in
couldnt find him
so I went to look under his cage
and at the back of Pinky's cage on the floor is this hole about the size of a big slice of bread
it is cut out of my neighbour's house. we'd put half a standard brick to block it up as in past years hedgehogs have used it for a nest would you believe!
so i just thought i'd check it, keeping in mind we've never had a problem with this with kip or tiffin. it was so dark and small but i caught movement
it was Oz. having a wash.
he was under my neighbours house!!!!!
no way in hell could i get him the hole was so small
im not sure how he found it or fit through it
i about had a heart attack seeing him there cus he could go under my neighbours floorboards and deep into their house! - which my dad kindly pointed out whilst i has my heart attack
so i talked to him and he came out after a minute
i picked him up for a cuddle
so thats where he had been that night. no wonder we couldnt find him! its a pitch black tiny hole!
he was none the wiser their was a problem!
so ive fulled bricked it up now i dont think he can move 2 full bricks.
after all that i went over to adam's house
spoke to his mum on the drive way for a few mins then went in to go see him
we went to a local park and walked round the big lakes
i was quite tired actually after that
we didnt know where to go eat so adam suggested frankie and benny's
a chain restaurant im not fussed about but there was nothing round us
so i ate a small plate of spaghetti and adam had a big burger with chips and a whole garlic pizza bread i swear i have no idea where he puts it all, it was only lunch!
he paid. again. ><
we came back to my house and sat in the sun in the garden
whilst watching the pets outside
it got warm actually
my hair is slowly being bleached blond by the sun like it does every year
gonna dye it probably but adam says he likes it /:
then we went over to his house
but god from eating lunch and sitting up the garden i had wicked stomach ache
and i had it still at his house just bad pains but it wasnt doing anything
i couldnt find the cause for the pain
we sat for a while talking with his parents
theyre so lovely to me and im good at bringing his dad down a few notches XD
he was sucking up to adam's mum so he'd get out of doing the ironing
saying "you make such a wonderful job dear"
i could see right through that one. so i kissed the tips of my hand and then tapped my bum
everyone was laughing and his dad did not see that coming XD
we had a beef roast which was really good
and pudding
then we played scrabble which i have never played before
and wont play again its awful game for dyslexics i cant see anything
his mum helped me and i won. how i do not know.
we played triominos again i won! i was on a role
then i came home
today i havent felt brilliant actually
ive plodded along sewing Oz's blanket
went to see karen for reflex
slept
and just had an easy day
like i said i didnt feel good
not sure why i cant work it out
tomorrow seeing adam after lunch
here's one bow ive made
Evening~~
I didn't sleep well
I woke up to the sound of my brother coming home at 1:30am
from there it took me ages too get back to sleep
honestly i sleep so lite at night!!!
during the day i sleep through anything
like a guard dog and twitch in my sleep like one XD
I woke up at 7:30am I got up and then realized it was
7:30am and not 8:30am which I thought it was ><
All well I wasnt gonna be able to fall back to sleep now
so i carried on and started my day~
I got loads done in the morning
I sorted all the pets out
cleaned em out
hovered downstairs
tidied downstairs
did some laminating for dad
did some sewing on a hair bow
got ready to go over to adams
and this was all before 10:30!
I waited for mum to come home from her walk then went to adams
we sat with his parents and talked
then we went for food
but i have been struggling all day with food
i just dont want it today my head just doesnt want me to eat
and its really annoying me
then he put a film on in his room
i wasnt watching it i couldnt even tell you what it was called
i was too busy playing pokemon til my battery ran low ><
then I annoyed adam for all i was worth XD yes i got him good
he was getting close to breaking point
he threatened me with several things mainly stealing an item of clothing off my body
but he wouldnt dare
and it was time for me to go anyway really
I told his dad i was going home to wash my car
he said "you're what? wait and til his mum hears this, she NEVER cleans her car"
at that point adam's mum did come into the room
adam's dad "jo tell her what you're gonna do when you get home"
he looked smug at this point and i could see adam silently joining his side
theyre always ganging up on her!
so I turned to her "I'm gonna go put my feet up and have a brew"
his mum "ah thats a good way to spend an afternoon"
his dad like exploded at that XD "you suck up!! thats not what you said"
i smiled cus I had won that round
Sticking up for the girls!
I got home and cleaned my car cus it was just bad
then I went to finish the hair bow I started that morning
made myself some food later on
now just thinking of dancing and maybe skipping also~
here's the t-shirt I got in the post it was only £4 and a good brand too!!
Tomorrow I have been invited to go over to Adam's house
for dinner once again >< but hopefully i wont get told off like last sunday by mummy XD
so I think I'm seeing him at some point, going for a walk and then doing whatever in the afternoon til the evening time. I hope to spend some time at home tho
we did look today at going manchester for convention but it's not til 30th july
so we're holding back on booking it
this time next week i would have been convention in my home city~
Evening
I slept like crap I really did
I was shattered when I woke up at 6am and waiting til 7am to get up
I got all ready for the school and arrived there no problems
it was only down the road really
The school was quite big actually
and I was in the youngest class
the staff were all really nice ladies ^^
but the kids meh they werent the most polite bunch of kids i've known
the job it's self was very very easy
but boring
the problem with easy work is that it makes time go mega slow
so i could not wait for 3:30 to come!
the classroom was noisy and so was the staff room!
I couldnt escape the noise!
When the day finally ended i couldnt wait to get home
mum made me a brew
but i knew if I sat too long I'd fall asleep i was that shattered
i had nothing but snacked on biscuits in the classroom for energy ><
so I went upstairs to go make a cute little hair bow
but before i could do that mum told me to come see something
she had put the ramp on the side of Oz's cage and showed me that he
could come out and use it!!! I had planned to show it him this weekend
but mum had beat me to it!
she said he'd been using it all day going in and out
bless him
he's one clever lil bun
I caught him here under my bed but laying on top of boxes
like next to no room XD
I made my lolita hair bow
its just drying cus I painted it a lil and im pleased with
Ive cut fabric out for another one id like make
but ran out of energy and time
so thats for tomorrow morning!
tomorrow i am going over to adam's house at 11ish again
its becoming a normal thing for me to do on a saturday
to go see him before his shift
looking forward to seeing him ^^
I got a t-shirt in the post today
well pleased with it ^^
I will photograph it
I brought a skirt online tonight £5 second hand but worn once
so should be ok worth about £15 anyway
but it's a large but it has corset strings so im gonna make them as tight
as they'll go and pray it becomes smaller for hips~
Good Evening all~
I slept pretty well and woke up at 8am
it was raining - wonder when it would finally rain
so I was on pet duty as mum was at work and it was indoor play
so it took me til almost 10am by the time they had all had their morning stretch
Oz did really well outside today
he explored everywhere this time I think he was surprised at how
much land he found
he is one lucky bunbun
I actually left him to it twice today
but was watched like a hawk by me and mum inside
i went out a few times cus i could tell he wasn't sure and lost his confidence
I have been working on Oz's blanket today
I got quite a bit done actually I was pleased
and i think it's looking alright
it will take a while to complete it tho as im taking my time
ive got loads of fabric left over XD
I fell asleep around midday cus i suddenly felt sick again
and when I woke up I still felt rough
but I managed yoga anyway :) I did really well actually
considering im nursing my aching muscles!
I ordered a cute skirt last night it was £8.50 and new
its a sailor moon theme I cant wait to see it
I got this today from Korea - etude house eye tear liner
Basically a lovely soft glittery eye line to place just under your eye
I cant wait to have ago with it
may try it out when I see adam on saturday~
I was thinking about him today actually
about how Ive allowed myself to feel
I had chosen to close myself from people and emotions
mum always said i was 'hard' and that i feared getting close to people
she was right
i would never take that risk
i had always wanted to finish my education and sort myself out first
before i dated it was just something i wanted to set right
but then by this time I was and still am carrying my illnesses
so i remained closed off from people and my feelings
thinking no one would want me anyway cus id be too much of a burden
but ive taken that chance with adam
not sure what has made me actually take that leap but im glad i did
i feel more like someone of my age and i enjoy the range of emotions he makes flutter through me
instead of just constantly feeling my illness
its almost like he's here to replace my illnesses
i just hope he doesnt get fed up of me
cus lets face it he has to put up with A LOT
><
tomorrow I have school!
a school I have never been to before
but it's local only 10min drive if that
and not bad area so hopefully should be alright :)
it's all day tho so i've made myself a salad and got some stuff
in my bag I can doodle with on my breaks
i hope the staff and students are nice
wish me luck!
