Evening
ahhhh it's so late!!! it's 10:15pm ><
Im usually in bed for now but Ive just got back from Mia's house!
I didn't sleep wel I was up between 11:50pm til 2am
Eating cereal and drinking hot chocolate
dad woke me at 7am mum woke me at 7:25am
as I still hadn't got my tired butt outta bed XD
I had acupuncture I hated it and moaned all the way through
poor guy
Came home had the girls out and had a brew
then I worked on the black bird picture
had lunch with mum and did some cards for both Karen's
broke off for first therapy session which was a total complete waste of time
came home and finished cards and had a shower and got stuff ready for tomorrow
went over to mia's new house at 6:20pm
she had pasta and meat balls on for us
it was very nice
we had a tour of the house
i can not believe the size of the house! shes done well
and shes decorated bits but shes done a fantastic job
it already feels homely
we talked til 10pm ><
Id write more but I gotta go!
Here is the house warming stuff I made and gave to her she loved them ^^
Tomorrow I am going derby with adam ^^
looking forward to it
I want to wear make up and dress and look like a girl~
Evening~~
Something Saturday night disturbing and not totally unexpected happened
Oz humped my arm...
Now my little boy has been not himself for a week now
some evening hes been charging up to me on the sofa
grunting at me and thats sign of hormones building
but saturday night he started jumping and grunting round my arm on the sofa
then all of a sudden he tried to mount and hump my arm
so at least I know why he hasnt been himself
its because he's come into his hormones!
quite a few months late too!!!
which is surprising for rabbits as usually theyre still babies and wanting to produce their own babies!
Im a late bloomer too trust me to pick a fellow late bloomer
He's booked in for thursday for 'the snip'
So yesterday I sat and made a couple of cards in the morning
I thought afterwards I only had 2 more to do but today ive realized I forgot to add both Karen's to my list so I have 4 cards left but still im getting there :)
I txt adam to see what we were doing as the weather was chilly
he said we were gonna golf so i got ready then he said his dad didnt want to go
so i had to think of what to do, got to his house to find out his dad did want to go golfing
so we went
and it was the opening weekend for the mini golf course
but there was hardly anyone there! it was brilliant ^^
actually the course was really good it was well worth coming
and guess who won!!!! :D
wooohoooo im just awesome despite the fact my head was a total mess yesterday
we got back and i drove us straight to my house to see Oz and to allow myself to get a few bits ready for when id get back from adam's later
Oz was over joyed to see adam
we got to adams house and I fell asleep on adam on the sofa
i was shattered i really was
we then played pokemon
had dinner
played some card game i wasnt playing cus his mum played on my be half
i was so tired i hadnt got a clue what was going off
then we had a competition who could squat the longest
and i thought with all my yoga i should be able to do this
so the scores
adam's mum - 9 seconds
adam - 27 seconds
adam's dad - 1.11 seconds
ME - 1.51 seconds
'AVE IT!!!
I won that bugger
I came home and mum said I looked shattered and i was and my head was a terrible mess
adam could tell there was something troubling me but i didnt want to go into it as i felt it would have upset me and i wasnt prepared to be upset
i had a shower and took my meds
i talked to mum in the kitchen and eventually the tears fell
so we went to talk on my bed for 40mins
i felt so bad for her as shes always picking up the pieces
everyone sees the happy normal facade i put on
then i shut the door and i break and mum is there witnessing the broken side of me and picks me up and puts me together again
she said she doesnt mind and will always help me but its always tough on her
which i imagine it is as she has no one to talk to about me
i fell asleep and woke up once or twice but waking this morning i was tired
my face was puffy too
I sat doing some more of the black bird drawing and its slowly coming alone i think
I went to bed and two hours later woke up
i had sweated a lot in my sleep due to having a nightmare (during the day!) about being raped
adam arrived 5mins after i woke up
i was in pajamas and sweaty i looked a state
so i went and had a shower and like a gentlemen he waited downstairs for me
we played pokemon and at 4pm we went to a cafe
he had a burger i had hot choc
we went to his and he cuddled me on his bed
i asked him what we did for valentines day this year if we saw one another
so i said i'd check my diary
i got home and danced a lil
then checked my diary
i read about 18 days worth between jan - april 2017
i couldnt read any more it was too upsetting to read
i cant bare reading what i write here
cus all i see is the negatives and my illness and how difficult and messed up i am
tomorrow I have acupuncture at 8:30am
im gonna ask him what he worked on last week as this week i dont feel like i had any benefit from it
he massaged my shoulders which are still bruised and have ached every single day this week to the point where i end up taking my bra off. My mental health has totally sucked too this week
then at 2pm i have my new therapy
psycho dynamic therapy
mum knows someone who works there and told her who im seeing
apparently its a 61 year old lady 0.0
she will assess me then the assessment will go to a board of professionals and theyll pick someone to work with me.
just want tomorrow out the way if im honest
Evening~~
I didn't sleep that great
I didn't get off til almost midnight then
I woke up a couple of times with shoulder and back ache
I woke up at 9am then drifted off to sleep next thing I knew
the doorbell was ringing at 9:45am
My brother got the door luckily
I was glad it woke me as I knew I had to get the girls out as mum
was doing her park run
It was so windy again today
I had the girls to clean out and its not easy in the wind
saw dust flies everywhere trust me
but got the job done
originally I had said to adam yesterday i'd be over to his for 11am
at 10:50am I was still in my pajamas!
I didn't get to his til 11:40am
He had been to get us lunch which I was grateful for as I hadnt had breakfast
struggling to eat breakfast past few days
So I sat with his parents and we talked about stuff
adam came and we talked til 12:10 then had lunch and my cob was amazing ^^
I took some biscuits up and they were appreciated
I did his mum's nails, they were a leopard theme this week
and next week will be halloween nails!
We played pokemon and he gave me plenty of cuddles on his bed and he was stroking me he laughed as I was enjoying being stoked like a cat XD then at 3:30pm I left
Before I left him I told him that last night Oz was tired and lazing around on the sofa next to me and I said to mum "adam got to finish work an hour early tonight" Oz at that point got up and was dashing around almost like he was looking for adam it was a lil weird as if he recognised adam's name!
I got home and saw to Oz he had a bit of fuss on sofa with me
he looked shattered XD
Then I went to my room where I sat and made another 3 cards
Katey's xmas card
Mia's 26th Birthday
Steve's 60th Birthday
theyre slowly getting there I think
not many more to do I don't think
Then tonight I plan on dancing once again
just these dances are difficult and last night I started a halloween dance as I realised I hadn't done anything for halloween yet!
Tomorrow - weather permitted - me, adam and his parents are going to check out a new mini golf that has opened if the weather sucks then im not certain what we'll do
theyve invited me for dinner ether way
I was well happy as this week I got my new eye shadow set!!!
Etude House - Play Colour Eyes - Wine Party
I saw a Japanese girl use it on KawaiiPateen
The colours looked so pretty, Im quite into peach and orange eye shadow
I thought reds could complement these colours
I went to order some etude house eye shadows as their eye shadows are so soft and vivid they are amazing but each colour was £3.99! The Play Colour Eyes was £11.99 it was a no brainer really cus look how many colours I got!
Also I got some freebies! I got a cucumber face pack sheet and I have no clue what the other two things are I have to say!
I had ago with the eye shadow today and it was brilliant it really was
gives a very mature look
I will wear it again tomorrow ^^
Otsukaresama desu~~~
I didn't sleep well
I went to bed at 10pm
It got to about 10:30pm and I could feel a similar panic attack
coming on like the day before
but luckily I was strong enough to talk myself out of it
and distracted myself with my 3DS until I felt like sleeping
unfortunately for me I didn't feel like for quite some time
i was reading until 1:40am -_____-
I was woken at 8am by agencies
guess they didnt read yesterday's email -___-
I got up cus I wanted to go shops with mum to check for fabric
we set off about 9:20am
I had a good look round but didn't find anything I needed
so I had to make the decision whether to order stuff online or whether to do a derby trip
I haven't brought this type of fabric before so it would be helpful to see it in person
rather than on a screen
we got back and I sat in my room looking at stuff on my laptop
but got bored very quickly so I went downstairs and put my ipod in
and made cookies!!!
Theyre in the shape of bunnies, stars and hearts
I havent baked in so long probably not since march
it took me quite a while from start to finish but I was pleased with my achievement
adam asked if he could try one so im gonna take some to his house tomorrow
his parents can try them too if theyre feeling brave XD
I had lunch which was left over yesterday's pasta
it was alright actually
i sat in my room starting to make xmas cards
yes I know its only october
and it is not because I feel festive its simply because I wanted something creative
to sit and do. I managed to make a total of 4 cards all unique for who they are destined to go to.
I don't enjoy christmas stuff but I did enjoy making the cards I think I am improving
so far I've made
my cousin sarah
mia & rob
Tara's
adam's parents
I will photograph them tomorrow :)
I believe I will make cards for
Adam, Ed, parents (but they usually have a photo for their card), Katey in america, Lynn & Den
so not got many more to do
me and mum went for a walk in the afternoon
my shoulder still hurt a lot
so i didnt walk far and its day 2 of not wearing a bra XD
Sat with Oz a few times today just cus I like giving him attention
Stuff came in the post today which I had ordered
I brought mum for xmas a guinea pig coloring book its an adult one dont worry!
I got my new eye shadow set and it came with free samples and a face pack sheet!
I can not wait tomorrow to have ago with the eye shadow :D
Going to do some dancing tonight as I didn't get a lot done last night
Tomorrow I am going over to adam's around 11ish
we'll have lunch together and then after that who knows!
Good Evening~~
Last night I had a bit of a moment shall we say
I was putting off going to bed as I felt a bit churned up and anxious
I can't explain why
in the end I went to bed at 10:30pm (late for me!)
by 10:45pm I was back downstairs with tears pooling in my eyes as I walked to my mum
"do you want me to come up stairs?"
I nodded
i just felt like my breath wouldnt come in all the way and i had so much going off in my head that i just felt like i was about to have a panic attack anyway mum came upstairs a minute later
I got quite upset
just seems things came to a head
I was upset about how little I was working, how I wasn't handling things I used to be able to handle, that Im still not normal, its taking so long to live a normal life, what did dad think about me?, is mum disappointed in me?, im 25 but not acting like it
I got it all out my system and by 11:15pm I was back in bed trying to sleep
which came a lot sooner than I thought and the night wasnt too bad
mum had told me to wake her in case i felt like i was gonna have another panic attack
but luckily I didn't need for any of that in the morning
I got up and felt rather rough
I didnt want breakfast til gone 10am
I looked through my craft books but didn't find much inspiration for gifts
guess I gotta come up with stuff from the top of my head which im pretty good at anyway
Adam was coming over after work
I got a dance recorded and I emailed agencies to say that I dont want to be called up for work in the mornings as i need more notice as im not coping with it.
I started making pasta lunch for me mum and adam
as they would be both coming in at the same sorta time
it was good pasta :)
me and adam sat on the sofa with Oz then we sat on Pokemon
my 3DS eventually needed charging >.>
and I wanted fresh air anyway so I motivated adam and I drove to his house
we walked round the shops
i didnt get anything he offered a cake or a tea but i didnt want to sit in a cafe if im honest
so we went back to his
we talked to his dad for a bit about France and the holiday we were planning to have there
then I took adam upstairs as i wanted to talk about his dad and mum's xmas present
I didnt want to talk in case his dad over heard
then I went home really
I got back and started planning
i quickly planned out adam's mum's nails for saturday
then started on the cushions I want to make for his mum and dad for xmas
as the idea just came to me really and ive decided im gonna make him one too as why not! theirs looks knackered and old anyway if im honest. so 3 new cushions im sure will be appreciated :)
the 3 will match and I will do a silhouette of their favourite animals with a pattern
adam will have a lion
his mum an elephant
his dad a bird
nice having something to sew :)
tomorrow doesnt seem like i'll have work so i might start cushions
or i might go and look for fabrics somewhere
ether way i plan to do something productive
I drew a picture this week
today me and adam have been going out 200 days
mum says im sad for counting
im not counting i simply worked it out >.>
Evening
I didn't sleep that well
but when I got up at 8:45am
id missed two calls from the agency balls to em I dont like being on call
i notice for work not an hour in advance
but I felt awful when I got up
mum said i look drained and exhausted and that was how I felt
So I cleaned my pets out and went to bed
I got up at 11:30am
I did feel better for going to sleep
god knows what that was all about
I sat and had some cheese on toast
then I went to my room and I have a box under my bed I call my 'present box'
simply because its only function is to store presents for people :)
I was checking on what I had stashed away in during the year
as I tend to pick things up for people when I see them so then it helps when it comes to christmas and birthdays but also its not such a big expense all at once :)
I had a fair bit actually I was pleasantly surprised ^^
I then wrote down a list of ideas on what to get for people
I have already finished lynn's present and I ordered Tara's last night~
I had acupuncture at 1:45pm
really didnt want to go >.>
but I dealt with it all
had cupping, massage (which was brutal) and needles
god I was crippled afterwards to say the least!!
Went over to adam's
it was rainy so we didnt go out just stayed and played pokemon really
came home and had to get Oz in from out the rain
i told mum to leave him out if he wanted to play out
bless him he was all damp
really glad I didnt go derby with lynn
just couldnt have coped with it today
tomorrow not sure what im doing as of yet might see adam
he has work in the morning til lunch
gonna dance tonight
last night didnt do any dancing as i had awful stomach pains all night
did do mine and mum's nails tho :)
Here are the blankets I made for a friend in Australia
depressing that my work gets to travel there but I dont!
they had to kinda link and match
think they came out alright im not good at baby stuff if im honest!
wonder what i'll sew next
Konbanwa~
I didn't sleep too well just cus of the seriously strong wind
it was hurricane or something out there
all I could think of when I woke was "I hope the pets are ok"
just wanted to bring them in!
I got up at 8am for my CBT
I got there on time and stuff
we talked for 30mins and she discharged me!!!
I no longer have to go CBT!
I did tell her that I still haven't heard back from Psycho Dynamic Therapy
So she gave me their direct number that she would use to chase up the referral
I thanked her and noticed my card from the other week had been pinned up
she said she really liked it and thanked me for it ^^
i showed her my latest drawings
I then went to the post office to go post the baby blankets to Australia
£11.40 it cost me!!! robbin' gits they are!
To 'celebrate' that I had been discharged I went and had a good look at cosmetics ^^
I got a number of things~
Shiny sparkly top coat (nail varnish)
nail stencil stickers (to have ago with)
shiny cream eye shadow (never used cream eye shadow before)
night face cream (same brand as Im currently using)
facial scrub (new one to try)
hair conditioning packs (I love these for a treat!)
pair of new pajamas that are soooo cute 1 pair left and in my size - meant to be!
I called into Greggs on the way back to my car thinking 'my bro has been a bit down this week I know what will cheer him up a bit'
I brought him for £1.40 a cheese, bean and sausage pasty bake thing
I drove home and he was on the drive just finishing up washing his car
I passed him the pasty and god he was so happy he even facebooked it -___-
He put 'just washed my car, sister gave me greggs, that is to be respected'
he said i was a legend
its amazing how food can make my brother happy
I got in and rang up this number for my referral to see how it was going and they wondered why i hadnt heard from them so 10mins later they phoned me back and said cus id chased up the appt and that there was a cancellation did i want to go next tuesday at 2pm?
0.0
I was told i would be waiting months, to hear id be going next week had me speechless!
so i booked in, its only down the road too ^^
then did my hair and make-up
got ready to see adam kinda thing
picked him up from the gym and we went to a town
we had lunch in a pub whilst waiting for our meals adam got out a lil black book id never seen forand then we had 3 rounds of pool as I was in the mood for it
not that i won a single game i wasnt fussed i just wanted to play
my arms were aching holding the cue up think yoga last night did a number on me ><
we went round some charity shops
I didn't need anything it was just something to do
I picked up £30 worth of boots for £7.99 theyre brown and come up to my knee cap
I picked up a dress/tunic top for £4.49 its coral and i love coral and peaches :D
we then arrived at adam's house the for the afternoon
we played pokemon really
from 3pm i just felt off i was tired and sickly
but i didnt say anything cus i didnt want to be treated any differently
i left at 5pm
i was suppose to be going mia's house for dinner but i felt terrible
i txted her to say if i could just pop over for a drink instead of food
but she said to leave it for another week
so it will be 6 weeks :(
I txted lynn to say i didnt want to go derby tomorrow
wasnt feeling up to it and i wasnt in the mood to go
Tomorrow I have managed to get booked in with acupuncturist
hopefully he will get me going again
thats at 1:45pm after that i'll go see adam
tonight im treating myself to some girly power~
I am doing mine and mum's nails, a face pack and hair treatment and lip treatment :D
