Evening~
I was drawing til 9:50pm last night
didn't realise the time
I got 1 picture finished and 1 in pencil ready for pen
Drew wolves really
Last night I didn't sleep well at all
I woke up at 12am from a nightmare that had me almost empty my stomach
i felt so sick and sweaty when I woke up
It was that dream of being raped. but I have no idea why I suffer with this nightmare as I have never been sexually abused so why have this dream? Every time I screamed out or moved another hand would pin me down to the ground until I was flush on my back exposed. I shouted out "I can't do any of this im already taken" to which a voice out of no where replied "then maybe he needs to learn to share you" I woke up at that point, got up for a wee to break myself out the dream state sleep
from there I woke up every 2 hours -_____-
This morning I was going to take photos of myself
and I did get semi-ready for that but adam txt me to say his work might need
him in earlier so i decided to go up earlier and sod the make-up and photos
id rather have company than take photos
got to his house and we sat whilst he watched the last of the cricket - shoot me now
we went up to the deli for our lunch as usual
but what wasnt usual was the fact of our county's MP was in there -____-
god help me now
he is so slimy i hate him sorry well i hate all MPs
it is "small business day" here apparently and so he was making his way round the independent businesses as come on its a chance for him to have his photo taken!
we came out both saying we felt sick and needed to shower XD we then found him a few shops down having his photo taken with the owner!!!! sickening!!!
we had lunch and then I did his mum's nails the flamingos came out really well actually ^^
I played on Okami-den for a bit as adam watched the bloody football
i turned it off and got bored quite frankly
and then frustration kicks in and then my mood can plummet so I left at 2:30pm
got home and grabbed my ipod that only has battery these days for 10 songs :(
I went for a walk by myself seeing as it wasn too cold today it was 6c and no winds :)
my ipod died tho >< i really really need a new one its 7 years old would you believe
I got home had a brew with the girls on my knee
then took them home and had Oz in my room who was happy bunny
I opened my parcels from Korea and I got my lip oil finally and I got my yellow eye shadow
cant wait to try them! I got a free facial sheet mask despite ordering 14 the other day
i cant help but wonder if someone is laughing at me XD
I finished off the wolf picture and I will photograph it tomorrow
they're ok I guess~
I got Mia a personalised christmas decoration for one of her christmas presents
its got written on it "first christmas in our new house Mia & Rob"
thought it would be a nice little gift for her :)
Not sure what im doing tomorrow
been invited over to adams for dinner as per usual but what to do during the day i am not sure
i'll probably do photos in the morning and then see him
it might be Oz and a walk maybe cus not brought Oz up to their house for a while
but not sure yet
Adam liked my phone I guess
already could work it quicker than I could >< how depressing is my life XD
Im getting there with it
kinda....XD
Evening~~
I didn't sleep too bad last night
I had the foresight to sleep in my dressing gown :3
I got up to once again the sound of dad ringing the power company
jeez its wearing thin on us all
but at least my phone was happening!
I set off for acupuncture which I didn't want
and I was squirming all over the joint
I told Nigel about my absence of feeling and pain yesterday that went from 5 - 10pm roughly
he couldnt really explain it but told me to take notes of the good things that come from it
i dont want it to happen ever again
i know I upset adam
he sent me a text saying "i feel like you only tell me you love me to keep me happy and that you're gonna leave me soon"
so which i told him "do you think im the sort of person who likes to make people happy even if i dont mean it? if i dont like something i tell people how it is. besides i have more respect and love for you than to string you along. that would be wrong and id never do it and i have no plans of leaving you so you best not have plans of leaving me mister"
he said he felt better for hearing that and that he didnt have any plans to ditch me
mum worries about the day if we do ever part ways
she worries about what it would do to me mentally. no pressure adam XD
although he said he'd turn to drink if i left him. no pressure me!
basically we're both happy how things are why change em XD
I got back and had my morning brew to find my new phone had already arrived!
that was fast! i had absolutely no idea what i was doing with it
so i drank my brew and put it on charge and left it
i couldnt even put the damn sim card in -______-
my brother was out all day so i had no technical help til 6pm
there was no rush anyway but i did what i could do in the mean time which was order a cute phone case and screen protector XD get my priorities right ;P
But on that note it does actually work its fully working and im pleased with it
im yet to have a proper go on it
it bores me
i had lunch with mum and then we went pets at home, bargin shop, tk maxx
i got Oz some new food which had been released that week and it started at half price! had to be brought it sounds really nice and i like to spoil him. I brought a new shirt reduced to £8 i really like it its fitted and mum says it looks good on me :)
we picked up other bits and pieces
came back and i planned out some drawing, went on my laptop for a bit
after dinner me and mum went for a walk which was nice
tomorrow I seeing adam and i told him id be on my best behaviour
he puts up with so much
i feel like dressing up and doing make-up in the morning so i might indulge my self there XD
my profile photos need an update and i have to be in the mood to have my photo taken
Here are my new christmas decorations by the way
i got a snowflake chain, tinsel stuff, donut, squirrel, fox, rabbit, llama
kawaii desu yo~
its all im buying for this year but they were all £2 or under
Evening~
I didn't sleep too badly
but I woke up with a stuffed up nose
yeah think im getting what feels like my 100th cold of 2017 -_____-
I did wake up to the sound of my dad once again cursing on the phone
he was on the phone to 3 my mobile company provider
as he was yesterday or day before whenever it was
he was left waiting 20mins before he could speak to someone so in the end he put the phone down and rang the bank to cancel the direct debit. I thought that was the end of the matter but oh no dad insisted on calling 3 up again. And at 10mins waiting he said he had to go to work
and passed the phone to me!!!!!
Jeez I dont know what Im freakin' doing!
Eventually after 20 mins i got through to a human being
she was asian and I struggled to understand her english so I wasnt always sure what it was I was agreeing to! But dad had got through to the 'complaints department' so thats who i was talking to and they obviously want your custom and I told them I was moving to tesco mobile and told them what phone and stuff. They told me they could better that deal with a better phone and tariff
so I turned to mum telling her this she quickly rang dad to see if he wanted me to move from 3 or if i could stay. id prefer to stay even though they are a crap company but I have been with em 9 years and so I get loyalty discounts.
I agreed to a phone I have no idea what it looks like I really honestly don't
but I thought phones a phone and as long as it rings and txts im not arsed.
it will be delivered free of charge tomorrow between 8am and 6pm
so someone has gotta be in for that then.
I will unveil my phone tomorrow
I was tempted to google what it looked like but i knew id judge it too much on a screen I want it to be a surprise XD
but its sorted now thats the main thing
After I did that I did some dancing and went on my laptop for a bit
i had breakfast at 11am as I had stomach pains til then
stomach hasnt been too bad today actually thank god
mum came home and had really banged her elbow and i could see she was in pain
so i made her lunch and stuff
she said she didnt think she could do yoga which i wasnt too fussed about as i cant breathe right anyway which makes yoga harder work.
so she cancelled that so no yoga tonight
adam came over after work
i made us beans on toast for lunch cus i wanted it
then we sat with Oz who sucked up to adam a lot >.>
I showed adam the squirrel badges i brought for his dad to annoy him XD
we went to his house and we had a play fight which was fun
then we had biscuits and a drink to cool off
when we came downstairs we realized it was snowing and quite heavily too
he suggested i go home but i knew it wouldnt be much and it did stop
but it was strange seeing snow in november considering how little snow we've had over the recent years. Then we went for another play fight cus i wasnt finished
turns out i hurt him and something in me just flicked off
it was like i couldnt feel anything
i mean adam is alright but im not
and i told him i was fine and that i had to go for dinner
he was quiet with me i could tell my sudden switch bothered him
and im still like it now
i cant feel anything im so numb its strange but quite blissful
i cant feel emotions my pain has lessened so much it barely feels there
and i know i should be scared to feel like this but i dont want to be scared
to be scared means i have to feel to feel means i have to be in pain
and i quite like this freedom
how long it will last i dont know but i'll take anything i can get
tomorrow i have stupid acupuncture at 9am
dont want to go >.>
then dont know what
My nails for this week~
Evening~~
I went to bed last night
I was aching and hurting
and after just 10 or so minutes I just cried
yet another night of crying
sick of it, its pathetic and doesnt achieve a damn thing
so I laid there alone, aching and crying
I waited for my family to go to bed which was 11:45pm
I went straight downstairs and took every pain killer available to me
Then I was just in the living room I stretched using the exercise ball
I sat and drank a cold drink and then did some yoga
and by 12:50pm I was in bed
I woke up at 6am and dosed to til 8am
I was shattered when I arose from my coffin
Mum cleaned the pets out for me which was nice of her
as it was very cold and I had stomach and a headache like I have done for
the last 2 weeks + not sleeping im like death
Then at 10am we went to the shops and my god was it cold!
I got a new transparent mascara as mine looks gross its rare I wear coloured mascara
as its hard to remove and the skin round my eyes is sore 90% of the time due to crying
transparent mascara is so much easier to get off than that black stuff
I also put £21 worth of old pound coins into my bank account and brought Oz some treats
I also managed to send off the cards I post abroad for christmas
we came home then and I just relaxed and made some porridge for lunch
I try eat bland foods so not to provoke my stomach any worse
but still hurts
I met adam at the pub facing the gym, at lunch time
he had food there and I had a brew which wasnt up to much if im honest
then we went to his house
he had a shower and then we had a play fight i started X3 afterwards I fell asleep
I woke up we talked and then looked at phones and i think im closer to getting a new phone
then i had another play fight
man i was knackered but it got all my frustration out that id felt over the last few days
felt good to play ^^
came home and had dinner which was like poison
jesus who'da thought pasta would hurt so much!
I wanted to dance as well tonight ><
Tomorrow I should be seeing adam after his shift
and then i have yoga :)
Here's a piece of make-up I ordered from Korea for £3.50
the brand I wanted was £8.99 but this seems just as good to be honest
its burgundy eye liner and i quite like it
it makes a change
Evening~
I'm so sick of feeling crap and having bad stomach ache
I slept alright I guess apart from waking up at 6am freezing
my god it was bloody cold
I dozed from there as I had stomach ache the same pain I went to bed with -__-
my morning consisted of dad shouting down the phone at 3 (mobile company)
basically I have been looking at new phones and said to dad
"i must look when my 2 year contract is up"
turns out it was up 2nd May this year
so they have been over charging my dad ever since basically
he was not happy
and rang them up
but they dont ever tell you you're due an upgrade they just keep taking your money
dad got off the phone and said
"you have til 3rd December to find a new phone. Switch companies if you can. If you can't find a new phone by then its not the end of the world as its only £10"
"yes but theyve taken enough money from you. I will look today"
So thats what I did
I spent my morning looking at phones
and my god is it boring
I dont understand half of it
and currently the monthly bill is £10 which is enough by my opinion
seeing as the new iphone X is £120 per month
theres some difference huh who'd pay that much per month!?
So I had a look and I couldnt see anything for £10 per month
they were naff and I dont want a crap dodgy phone that I'll just want to burn
but I also cant charge anymore to the bank account me or dad aint paying for a phone I wont use to it's full potential.
So now I have the issue of
do I have a cruddy phone thats £10 per month and just shut up about it
or~ do I buy a phone I want for under £150 and have a sim contract which will be under £10 pm
I need to sit down and work the math out
all the phones i 'liked' I use the word loosely as I dont like phones, were £15pm and I cant do that
so difficult. I do like the Huawei P8 2017 I believe but its £15pm
to be honest what adam's mum got the other day a Nokia 3 for £9 pm is a good bargin and if worst comes to worst I'll have the same
theres always options. Adam said he'd have a look with me
I dont understand any of it
I went to bed then
I got up and put the girls out for a trot bless them
Oz came out too after meditating onto of his fence paint bucket in the shed XD
Mum came home and I did her lunch
I told her id had a wasted morning and had to look at phones
I told her I feel crap and im getting a bit fed up of it
I spent my afternoon drawing a christmas picture for adam but its also good practice for myself
then me mum and my brother went to the testing place
they dropped me off and went tesco round the corner
the testing was boring but got my £20
came home and thats been it
I was supposed to see adam today but I couldnt face being social
Ive seen his mum yesterday and today but not him feels strange XD
I said Id see him tomorrow tho and I do hope I can I really do
Think me and mum are going shops in the morning
I brought this online the other day from japan
it's a facial wash and my god it strips your face clean!
It felt squeaky clean like nothing ive had before on my face
but on inspection when I got out the shower and had rinsed it off
it appears to have dried my face out a lot
so I will use it when my face is bad otherwise I think it will make my skin sore
and skin is fragile in the winter as it is
Evening~~~
Yesterday~
my parents went to fetch the Daihatsu from Doncaster
I stayed home and did the pet duty
I went to draw in my sketch book to find it was full -____-
Im really annoyed as I ve had chances to pick up a new one!!!!
I started putting my make-up on and got a phone call from mia
she was going to TK MAXX did I want to come
I agreed and 20mins later she came to pick me up
She didnt need much so I decided to put the guinea pigs out
otherwise they wouldnt get to play outside
we arrived and mia wanted to go costa for lunch before shopping
I just go with it, I ate cheese on toast and a tea
even something that simple gives me stomach ache sick of stomach ache
we went shopping and shopping with mia is the devil she can look and look and look
I personally didnt have that much energy so in the end i stood and waited for her
I did pick up a few bits spending a total of £10.30
I got an 55cm blow up exercise ball for £2!!!!!! reduced from £16 bargin
its too big for what I want it for but I thought it would provide me with entertainment for £2
I got a 'Debbie Shore' craft kit reduced to £3 lynn LOVES debbie shore's work
so perfect present right there! I got a nail varnish reduced to £1 it was similar to a colour I had to chuck out last week. Then finally I treated myself to a facial highlighter for £4.99
I have been 'researching' highlighters and I almost brought one online last night but didnt
theyre all between £5-£10 of course you can pay as little or as much as you want but I hate spending loads and I usually buy eastern make-up but this one caught my eye maybe it was the packaging but I picked it up
and Im glad I did cus its soooo sparkly it has a lot of glitter in it, and I do love glittery make-up anything that will provide light to my dull and ghoulish face so im well pleased.
I kept looking at powders but some reviews said they didnt show up, I have a highlight cream but its sooo subtle I cant always see it so this is good ^^
The weather began to turn so I asked to go home to put my girls away
good job too as it sleeted it down
I rang my parents after 1pm to see where they were
and they were 20mins away hadnt stopped so they were hungry
I didnt want to look ungrateful so I made them some lunch for when they got in
When they got in I went to adam's
we sat had cake and a brew
then we went for a walk i mean I didnt want to cus it was bloody freezing but I couldnt stay in all afternoon whilst he had bloody football on, i would have gone insane or slept
i didnt want to sleep
so we went down the road i soon warmed up
we got back and he told me i looked shattered and to have half hour sleeping
i relented and did that
i woke up next to him on his phone we talked and cuddled
i gave him a back massage then did his exercises with him then seeing as he was on the floor i started a play fight one of many yesterday XD he must have had enough of me if you ask me
i ran down stairs telling his dad to hide me cus adam was coming XD
luckily i didnt get beaten too badly haha
we had dinner and i got awful stomach from it. i never do cope well with beef even on good days
i didnt have pudding
we sat and talked and then at 9pm i went home shattered.
had a shower and had Oz out then bed
Today
I felt like road kill
I had over done things yesterday I know I had
when my body shakes I know im in for it the next day
luckily i was able to keep my shaking to myself cus usually adam notices
so i went to bed at 11am
i did bugger all
woke up at 1am did some drawing but didnt do much at all
mum said i looked like a ghost colour today
at 4pm I left for adam's mum's work place which is a 15min drive away
but thanks to tea time traffic is was more like 30mins
i arrived and found his mum straight away
she showed me where to go
i had to try 6 different pepperoni snacks
my god they were gross i used to eat them as a kid god knows how they're rank!
the computer questions were sooo easy
i was there 45mins
i was grateful of the sweets and drink in my bag
adam's mum gave me a packet of peanut butter oreos for some random reason XD
gonna try them at some point
I came home in tea time traffic
spent more time in my car than in the place!
got to go back tomorrow same time then I get £20 for my work ^^
Since then ive had stomach ache still and wasnt looking forward to dinner of bloody sausages jeez i was fed up of seeing sausage shaped things XD so i had toast but it still gives me stomach pains. yup another trip to the acupuncturist seems to be in order id say -______-
tonight I might do some dancing
tomorrow think adam wants to see me but i'll see how i feel as i need energy to do the testing again
Evening~~
I asked my self today - Why do I keep doing dance uploads?
I'm not sure why I still do it
I guess it makes me do the dancing which is good exercise and good for my memory
but why do I bother to upload it? my videos arent popular but then I never wanted them to be
but why do I bother still? What do I get out of it?
Not sure what I do get out of it really
and when is the time to stop?
Heck Adam has no idea I upload my dances
am I embarrassed? Do I want him seeing them? Probably not
feels like a side of me I keep private yet I put myself online for all to see
strange girl I am
Anyway today
I have the internet!!! Woohoo!
My brother came back around 11pm last night
my parents picked him up and took him mcdonalds XD!!
Lucky boy
I saw him this morning, I didn't wait to stay up for him
He seems to have had a nice time anyway he showed me his photos while we ate our cereals which was nice really. Makes a change to have him chatty first thing in the morning XD
I went and cleaned out the pets, I put my Ipod in listening to C-ute which was different
Oz didnt pester too much
I got ready to go to adams house
I was quite looking forward to seeing him
I feel more myself today, im fragile dont get me wrong, but if I dont stop to focus on things to hard I can hopefully avoid falling into that pit of hollowness
mum came back from her park run, shes done two personal bests for the last 2 weeks!
shes doing well to say its winter!
Then I left for adam's house
I arrived and talked with him and his parents
they had been doing their park run in the snow this morning! snow!
cant believe somewhere near here had snow already
I told them that dad was planning on buying me a Daihatsu Terrius 2005 in turquoise...
dad did show me and I laughed and said Id have ago in it
dad likes it as its rare. its rare for that make of car to be an auto-matic
just like my car my Renault Megane is rare for being an auto-matic
he likes cars that are hard to acquire
so I told them I could see me having that XD no Suzuki Swift for me!
around 11:30am we went to get lunch as usual
but this week I got a turkey, sausage meat stuffing, apple sauce cob
oh my god it was AMAZING and the first time I have enjoyed food in a while
tasted like christmas actually
We sat in his living room
and teased and tormented each other, he always takes his dad's side
hes supposed to take mine damn it! so I always lost the battle >.>
and even got kicked off the sofa!
damn him
I went and did his mum's nails after a while
Then at 3:30pm I left for home
Got my girlies in and Oz seeing as he was rattling his cage door with his paws...
he's only been locked up 2 hours! anyone would think he'd been locked up 2 weeks!
he was all happy and giddy to be in my room
I turned my laptop and went online to catch up basically
My family went out for drinks at the pub
I danced had a shower and my dinner
my family came back with pizza but I dont enjoy or digest greasy food well
so i always opt out
I have't done much tonight
last night I painted my nails and did that drawing
dont know what to draw next
might take my colouring book to adams tomorrow for something to do
Not sure what im doing tomorrow
we wont be going to AvailableCar seeing as dad actually won the auction on the Daihatsu
its in Doncaster tho and I dont want to go fetch it, doesnt even run -____-
yep my 'new' car is a non-runner XD I never get anything fancy
£200 something pound he got it for -____-;
So Im not sure what to do tomorrow
I dont want to go round any shops that is for bloody sure! everywhere is chaos
stupid christmas
see what adam wants to do
his family have invited me over for dinner
their sunday evenings are never quiet anymore XD
Speaking of adam his phone case came in the post the one I got done for him
here it is
the quality is really good and its the same transparent colour he already has
but ive just done a design on the back
he should like it I hope
my brother and mum think its good anyway :)
