Konbanwa~~
Ahhh still not sleeping -_____-
nemuritai!
I must have fell asleep reading my kindle as i found it on the floor this morning!
how did I not hear it fall?
anyway I got up at 8am feeling like utter crap
hate those death like mornings
I went on my laptop for a lil while trying to put songs on my new ipod
my priority is Hello! Project groups ^^
I have managed to put some stuff on but I like to make playlists and theres
where lies the time that gets eaten up!
At 11:20am I was called up by the pain clinic telling me their internet was down
did i still want to come?
well considering I had turned down work to come to them today, yes, i was still bloody coming!
anyway why the hell do they need the internet? im the focus not google
yeesh
so I got there for my appt at 11:40am (yeah they rang just as i was leaving the house)
it was a nice place as far as therapy places go
and i was called through straight away by a middle aged woman
and i could have kissed her feet
finally a professional who knows their stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!
honestly i learned more from her in 5 minutes than I have in the last 5 years in regards to my pain so i was taking in every word. She said to me "we will get you sorted and another appointment very soon as youre too young to be left like this" oh my god! she saw me as an actual person!
i was not used to this treatment!
I left with the information that I was going to be put into a therapy group as she said it shows to be the most effective way to treat those with my pain condition
i am to meet with the leader of the group 5th march to talk about which group i should start out of the 'active group' and i guess the not so active group
and to find out more about this group work
she told me that my fibromylgia that ive had since november 2010 has gone on for too long. it is my nervous system sending wrong signals to the brain. its telling the brain theres pain were there is no pain and it goes through my emotional centre in the brain so it pulls on mood. but because ive had this condition so long my brain has forgotten how to turn off these pain sensors and is on high alert at all times and thus causing needless endless pain. i need to learn to turn the volume down on the pain sensor as it were. so thats what i gotta learn
as with all my conditions there is no 'quick fix' or 'cure'
she also mentioned about changing my anti-depressiant but wanted my GP to talk to my psychologist before that happened. my god health professionals talking to one another!? really!?
this therapy centre truly was the twilight zone
anyway i came home and got lunch
i tell you i have nothing but ate today
sod the world
i went for a quick walk in the hope it would wake me up instead of wanting
to drop asleep
i went on my laptop, then did a bit of sewing then went yoga
god i wanted to fall asleep in yoga and thats not something im used to feeling
usually im loving it or knackered but not wanting to sleep
just that shattered i guess
going to the doctors next friday to hopefully get some sleeping tablets
on monday i went for my second psychology session
we talked about life and the devil that seems to reside in my head
and how i communicate with it, past experiences of what its been like
yeah it all makes me feel normal -___-
but my next appt is in 5 weeks time! so until then looks like i just gotta cope by myself!
tomorrow i have work just for the morning at a school i worked at last month
with two special needs kids
looking forward to working not looking forward to looking awake and happy for others.
but just the morning and first time i would have worked this month
woo £30 to survive off for the month!
wish i was normal and could work a normal 9-5 job
i brought some more korean make up to try its a brown mascara thats easy to remove as i have very sore and sensitive eyes from not sleeping
came with free samples!
I'm here
I just havent been in the mood to tackle my diary
i've had a lot of ups and down
its hard to know where im at some times
I will probably update with a deeper diary entry at some point
but for now im gonna leave it here
Just want to be normal
Its valentines day today
a stupid holiday by far
and me and adam said we were doing nothing for it
which we havent but he couldnt help but buy me flowers today
i let him off as id brought flowers for mum this week
but we didnt celebrate it or be all mushy
we aint like that
just a holiday retailers cash in on
tomorrow i am at the pain clinic for the first time
i went to psychology this week
he doesnt quite know whats up with me (makes you feel good doesnt it)
and i see him in 5 weeks time
until then gotta cope it looks like!
Evening~~~
I forgot to mention yesterday when I turned 26
so did Yaijima Maimi from C-ute
weird how we were born on the same day~
I miss C-ute T^T
Angerme is going to France this year and I would drool over tickets
If i was ever lucky enough to have some and go *0*
Anyway today
I slept kinda ok well it wasnt my worse night by far
I woke up at 7:30am and decided to get up and start the day
so I started with my piggies and had a lite breakfast
then went to go clean Oz out and I cant tell you how exciting he found it XD
Once I was left home alone I was able to reverse my new car on the drive way next to my old car so i could transfer stuff over easier
I hoovered my new car
used anti bacterial wipes on it (trust me about 1000 of these were needed)
polished the inside
cleaned the windows on the inside
washed the outside of the car
the car has been trashed if im honest
its had like 100 dogs in and STINKS of wet dog it really does
the back seats and flooring is really discoloured
every plastic trim is scratched to high heaven from dog claws
the outside has plenty of scratches on it
and its just worn everywhere it just hasnt been looked after
im hoping it will grow on me but right now it doesnt feel like an upgrade
it feels knackered and dirty its the smell as well
my old car was in great shape and didnt smell or anything
im struggling to let go and move onto dog battered car
i am grateful but then i wonder why i have to have this standard when my younger brother has a nice car and he too is on his 4th car and i have held my license 3 more years than him
i cant and wont complain to dad
i just hope it grows on me
after 2 hours of cleaning none stop i was spent
my god i was tired
i came in for lunch
then laid on my bed for a while
then me and mum went out to have a brew
we went to a garden centre that does tea with actual leaves not bags
so we had a pot of earl grey with sugar lumps
my god it was good
we came home and ate a slice of my birthday cake in the peace and quiet
then i think i went on my laptop for a lil while
then we went yoga which was good and i got to use my new mat too
my teacher commented on my new mat
tomorrow i have a fun filled day ahead!
in the morning me and my mum are going in to the city centre for a look round
were coming home at lunch time then im seeing adam
then getting ready for bowling and then dinner with adam mia rob
should be really good and the first time the 3 of them have met!
gonna be fun!!
then i get to sleep over at adams :D
I said id show what I got for my birthday so
firstly obviously the 'new' car from my parents
and a new Ipod gen6 in Pink :D which my brother spent an hour trying to sort out for me as my itunes was dated 2012 and the laptop had a fit when facing downloading new software! i dont like updates it means change XD
My brother brought me a case and screen protector for my ipod which i knew i needed and he fitted it for me
Adam's lovely gift of a pandora bracelet which the pictures dont do its beauty any justice its got thumper the bunny on it i dont think i want to add anything else to it i love it the way it is
adams parents brought me a yoga mat and so did my parents my parents brought me the green one and adams parents the grey one
tara brought me a load of nail varnish
karen brought me a t-shirt from japan and a cute fox brooch
fantastic gifts :D
Omedatou Gozaimasu!
Today at 2am Jozu-chan turns 26 years old X3
Anyway I am home~~
I've had a really good time I have enjoyed my little break away
I came home about 10:30am this morning with adam
I haven't actually done a lot on my birthday
the celebration is more spread out across the week I'd say
but today we've sat with the animals, we've been for a walk
I went over and saw adam's dad for an hour
I have opened all my lovely gifts and cards
mum made me my favourite meal of home made meatballs and spaghetti
she baked me a cake and let me lick out the bowl woohoo!
I've had adam's company til 5pm
tonight I have danced in my room for half hour enjoying myself
as I felt i needed to get it out of my system
im just with Oz whilst im doing this quick diary
then he's going home for the night so I can shower and try a couple of facial products
i have been saving for my birthday X3
I have a hair product too but considering how freshly dyed it is im not gonna bother
Tomorrow I have the job of sorting my new car out
as yes I officially have switched my cars!
From my 2004 Renault Megane I now have a 2005 Kia Rio
it isnt a vast upgrade but the car is growing on me
just currently it stinks of wet dog and needs a serious clean
second hand cars for you
so i need to clean it out and put all my crap from my old car into my new one
I also have Ozwald to clean out too
Later me and mum should be going out for a brew somewhere
then we have yoga in the evening
and i have a new yoga mat to give a test drive!
I can't say I feel and different haha
to be honest it hardly feels like my birthday
it really doesnt for some reason
i feel quite detached from it all
even adam has said im quite today
but maybe im just exhausted from matlock
who knows what with my mentality
I got this year
a new (second hand) car from my parents
they also got me a new generation 6 pink Ipod touch
this is my 3rd Ipod since I was 16 my ipods have lasted! but I have never had a touch before
ive had 2 nanos
they also got me a new and very pretty yoga matt
Adam brought me a freakin Pandora bracelet!!!!
totally unexpected i mean i have no idea how much pandora bracelets are
but i know they aint cheap and it has a thumper charm on it and charms aint cheap ether!!!
guess it shows he loves me X3
im very pleased with it anyway very happy with it and dont think i wanna add to it as i like it how it is at the moment he was very worried i wouldnt like it for some bazaar reason
its from him and had a rabbit on it whats not to like!?
My brother gave me a ipod case and glass screen protector which he put on for me
Adams parents brought me a yoga mat which im gonna keep in my car for when i go and do yoga at mia's house so that worked out well and she can have my old mat
Tara brought me a massive nail varnish set!!! seriously theres a lot there 0.0
Karen brought me a t-shirt with an anime character on it i think its Kotori from lovelive! which she ordered from Japan and she brought me a little fox brooch also
so ive had a lot of lovely things today and a few them on the pricey side which doesnt usually happen! ive had the car insurance and tax paid also
very lucky
very grateful
Evening~~~
I slept like crap
I woke up at 12pm to the sound of my brother taking his
newly gained girlfriend home
fell asleep and woke up at 1:30am
I had to get up for pain relief
I ended up doing half hour of yoga then I had a hot chocolate
went to bed at 3am i tossed and turned til 4am
I woke up then at 8am then 9am
my sleep is so disturbed and broken
I got up and was nagged for getting up late
yes but I have been up half the night and Im shattered
and feel like death
I got the suit case out the shed to start packing
but I didnt do any
I managed to write down directions to the places we're heading too
I got ready to see adam and had my lunch and that was literally
all I had time for
I am getting used to my purple hair which hasnt faded much ><
it was good weather so I didnt bother bringing Oz off his paint bucket to
adams in the end I went up to his house picked him up and we went for a cold walk
man it was chilly!
we got back to his parents house for a brew and his mum was making scones
so I got to have a scone ^^
we sat on the sofa playing on DS i was getting frustrated with a boss on Okami-den
i did it tho ^^
I was aching like mad and in the end adam suggested that we go upstairs
i sat next to the radiator or paced the room until he picked me up onto his bed
he tried to have a play fight with me but i was so tired
we talked and stuff
when it was time for me leave his parents gave me a birthday present
and an extra scone and told me to have a good time in matlock
i didnt stay for dinner at adams i was far too shattered to endure that
so i came home and packed a few bits
packing is very hard as derbyshire has a strange climate
its sunny one minute then chucking it down the next
not to mention some points were walking the streets others were walking in nature
so its hard to pack! glad ive got my car and not the train so i can fill my
car with crap without having to carry it!
I had a moment tonight were I felt quite sick
I was googling a few mental health things to just try and understand myself
when I came across Dissociative Identity Disorder
which seriously sounds like me that it scared me
i wonder if thats what i have?
Ive been Ozwald who has been in a good mood all day
bless him i will miss his little face
I did my nails for my birthday week~
So tomorrow I am going to Matlock - Derbyshire
staying in a castle
and coming back wednesday 7th february which is my birthday!
Evening~~~
Death
look and feel like death
I mean just check this out
Just look at those eye bags, dark am I right!
I really look like a corpse that hasnt slept in yonks as lets
face it I no longer sleep
I no longer have a normal sleeping pattern
and its taken a real toll on me
I know my hair is dark but when I took this photo I felt I really
did look sickly
anyway it will wash out but doesnt mean I will sleep
So today I felt like death it took me ages to get going
I managed to clean my girls out
then I got ready to go see adam i was looking forward to seeing him
and his parents as i havent seen them in a while
I wondered what the verdict would be on my hair
but they all said nice things even tho i could tell it shocked adam to see it
my dad on the other hand told mum that "i don't like Jo's hair"
im not bothered
it will wash out
I refused to go up to the shops for food
as it was effing freezing today it just didnt stop raining making cold and damp
and lets face it miserable
so I stayed home and talked to his mum and dad for a lil while
we had lunch then i did his mum's nails
people at her work place had noticed she hadn't had them painted in a couple of weeks
and asked her "they havent split up have they!?" haha noo just havent been around XD
then i came home for 4pm knowing i had pets to have in as it was so wet out there
pinks had a bath this morning as it was just gross she stunk so shes smells
fresher now
Oz was happily playing out in the rain today
my god he was wet bunny! so he will need a groom tonight!
Id like to paint my nails tonight if i can
i did my toe nails last night ready for swimming in matlock
tonight i would like to dance as i have done no exercise today
due to it being cold and wet
tomorrow adam has asked if i take my Ozwald to his house
which i said i would
then not sure what happens after that
i guess it depends on the weather
i gotta pack for matlock also
Evening~~
I didn't sleep well and ended up getting up at 5am for pain killers
I have as of yesterday managed to drop a pain killer during the day
so I was on 8 a day now im on just 2 a day
+2 which is a different pain killer
I didn't want to get up and was woken up by the agency ringing me
but screw em Ive rang them twice now and asked them to call me back
but they didnt and decided to call at 8am! screw em!
I got up anyway and felt like road kill
My morning started with a bit of dancing then I started working
on the dungarees mia gave me
mum came back from acupuncture and we went to the super market
i havent been in quite a while we were gonna go there then Boots
so I could look at hair dye but I ended up choosing one from the super market
i went for 'plum'
I have never had purple hair before
we got home and had lunch then I laid down for an hour
i was feeling mentally much better than yesterday but still not perfect
me and mum went for a walk and it turned out to be a right crap walk
she brought up the fact that dad wants ME to sell my car
and at the whole thing I feel like having a total melt down
I started getting frustrated with the situation and then at myself for not being able
to handle simple things so I got upset whilst walking and it took a while to calm down
because it wasnt just that thought that was troubling me it was everything
everything comes piling to the front of my mind in a mix like a hurricane
and its hard to deal with
we got home and had a brew and i talked about how im finding everything
so difficult lately
she said "you need a husband to sort all this out for you"
i said "i dont need a husband i just need a normal head!"
she went to dye my hair then
and I am dark purple
yup its quite dark indeed and purply XD
I havent told anyone that ive done it
afterwards i had a shower and went and continued the dungarees
i ended up finishing them and i think they look cute
mum liked them anyway
i packed up and went on my laptop
I got my hair wax in the post this week
I am yet to try it
its smells like cream and it looks like it has a soft texture and a light texture too
i look forward to giving it a go
tomorrow i am seeing adam
im looking forward to being cuddled up in his arms
i just want to be put at ease
lately i feel like tranquillising myself just so i can sleep or chill out
sick of my mental state
its really really taking its toll
