The struggles with working

Evening~~

Im still alive
I havent taken another sleeping tablet and still not sleeping

anyway yesterday
I got up and bathed millie and alice as they smelt
I cleaned my room up
i danced
i had a shower and got ready i went and tried to look like a girl XD

to be honest my fringe was peeing me off so i decided to tie it up
take that fringe!
I made myself lunch then went to adams

the four of us went to a mini golf
i had started my new antidepressiants and were making me very wooly headed and sick and dizzy but somehow i managed to come 2nd!
we came home and i felt exhausted and had a brew
i cant really remember what else happened i just know I got a call from the agency about having work at a school potentially til 7th March but to work one to one with a special needs childs
needs that he couldnt seem to find out...
i agreed as it was work and was only 20min drive 
for the rest of the evening  i was then anxious 
my dinner didnt even go down as i was so churned up
just dont cope well at the moment
tiredness does that to people
but i wanted to push through i didnt want to give up
if i give up i may as well live in a hole my whole life
i will never achieve anything

i went home and mum said i looked awful
and i did i look zombiefied 
so i got my stuff ready for school, sat with Oz and showered then hit the bed
i woke up through the night
and i have been awake since 5:30am as once i woke up then my anxiety was kicking off

today anyway went alright

i cant say it was my most enjoyable job simply because i dont like working with special needs kids but i did and it was a long long day 8:15 - 4:00
i was shattered i felt poorly
i got home and talked to mum about what to do for the remaining days as i didnt feel i could keep it up for 2 weeks and i didnt enjoy it that much
she gave her opinion and even phoned dad to see his opinion
they said to give it another day
but when i thought about it i remembered that they said i could be looking after some polish AS WELL and apparently hes a real git
all in all i felt  couldnt cope
so i phoned the agency and told them
they gave me tuesday and wednesday at a lovely school i worked at before christmas
its a 30min drive but im fine with that i will get it done :)
so it worked out really well actually 
i am much relieved and my anxiety has lowered loads

i didnt want to give up work as it doesnt come by often
i pulled myself to pieces that if i was 'normal' i could breeze through it
i shouldnt feel so dead after 1 days work 
i need to get on with stuff and stop living in a bubble
but i tried and in stead its worked out in my favour
this time anyway
i cant afford to think i will be lucky every time 

so tomorrow i am off to a school ive been to before
to work all day in the youngest class 
it should be fine
just know i will be exhausted but its money ^^
something i live in constant shortage 
adam pays for a lot of my outtings but i dont like to do that
i really dont as i feel in debt to him
he assures me im not but i dont like people spending money on me
he works harder than me and it should be his money
never will be one of the girlfriends that makes the guy pay for every thing
and take it for granted 

i hope i sleep a bit tonight so i can survive tomorrow!

A night on sleeping tablets

Evening

well last night allow me to review
I took the sleeping tablet and went to paint my nails
and lets just say my nails ended up looking like a 5 year old had painted them
I had no idea to tablet would kick in so damn fast!
so I was doing my nails with bleary eyes XD

I went to bed and conked out
I woke up at 12:30am feeling like id had 10 hour sleep
no joke I felt like id had loads of sleep
and it must just be because I had actually had deep sleep for once
so I drifted off and from there I woke up to turn over or get warm
and id fall asleep straight away
i ended up waking up at 10am 
mum had cleaned pets out for me ^^
i was seriously out of it this morning tho
every thought process was slow and hard
i went to my car and expected to get in it without any keys....
yeah not a great start to driving is it!

I got to adams and we went up for food
I like ordering things from the deli just to see what the owner's face does XD
so this week I ordered tuna, cucumber, chorizo sausage, tomato sauce
yeah she had to repeat my order and still bewildered XD
it was bloody good and the first thing that had tasted today
as taking those sleeping tablets makes my mouth and air ways taste like im
sucking on 50 tablets at once

afterwards we sat with his parents
then i was aching from sitting so we went upstairs
i went to play okamiden and i couldnt do the stupid boss
seriously its stupid
i hate games
he wanted to play fight and was trying to take my clothes off, naturally i made this difficult and went to stop him XD i love being what i call 'fun police' he hates me being fun police XD
i couldnt put up much of a fight tho i was simply too tired and just collapsed in a heap
we came downstairs so i could paint his mum's nails
shes got cherrys on hers
im redoing mine tonight damn it

then i came home and put girls out and saw Ozwald
i danced a bit and then i havent done much since then
i made myself salad for dinner
sat with maisy who talked to me

im gonna dance tonight and maybe wrap my brother's birthday stuff for weds

tonight i am not taking another sleeping tablet
i do not want to rely upon them
tomorrow i start my new antidepressant 

tomorrow not sure what im doing but adam says he wants to see me after lunch

here's me today, i dont look so shattered round my eyes
and even tho i have makeup on here mum said i have more colour in my face today!
 

Should I have to beg for medical help? My cousin has a bunny!

Konbanwa~~~

I didn't sleep well
man im getting fed up of writing that!
I woke up at 12:30am and felt sick, not as sick as yesterday night tho
but still sick enough to need anti-sickness tablet
and I came back to bed at 2am after cereal and hot chocolate
I read til 2:30ish and fell asleep to only keep waking up
and mum woke me at 7:45am as I had a doctors appt

I saw my useless GP
honestly he does anything but help
be different if it was his hundred kids that were sick
anyway I asked him if he had received a letter from the pain clinic as I hadnt
but he had lucky
I said it should mention about changing my antidepressant but only if it is ok
with the GP and my psychologist 
he just said to me "its fine by me" and wrote me a prescription and just like that I had
swapped an important medication to me and he hadnt even bothered to think about
the psychologist, i thought it was gonna be a weird experience for health care
professionals to actually communicate with one another
guess i was right!
Then he said I could only take these tablets if I reduced my current anti-depressiant 
i said that I was currently taking the lowest dose possible - he didnt know this
he said I would also need to reduce my pain killers, and I have I have gone from 8 a day to 2 a day- once again he didnt know this. and i was keen to point out that I had done all this work off my own back no thanks to any professional
I asked him for some sleeping tablets
he wasnt keen and asked why i needed them and i told him id only slept through the night 3 times since last April but he said to me "yes but i dont want you to get addicted"
so i played my trump card, i brought out my pocket the sleeping tablets he'd prescribed me several years ago and passed it to him i said
"you gave me those years ago, i never finished them and theyre out of date now, hows that for addiction"  he relented and prescribed me just 10 sleeping tablets (generous huh!)
i felt saying to him "if i was effing addicted would i be trying to come off medication by myself!"
he just doesnt want to help
i dont think he realises just how crap i feel every day of my life and i turn to my GP for help and relief and all he can think about is money and how he deems me not worthy of treatment
sickening
i felt like id literally had to beg for help
but none the less i came out with everything i needed
i will ween off my current antidepressiant this week then switch to my new one
it takes a month to kick in and by which time i should be seeing my psychologist so at least i guess i can tell him how its been going.

so tonight i have a sleeping tablet!!!
oh my god i have a high chance of sleeping!!!
im gonna do everything possible to promote good sleep
it will leave me with a rank taste in my mouth all day and make me drowsy in the morning
but hopefully it will be worth it
as im shattered!

after id been doctors i waited for mum to sort stuff out and i checked my emails
 turns out that all the bunny questioning my cousin has been asking me this week
has led to her getting her first pet which is a black bunbun!
very happy for her it should do her some good
im not keen on his name Revio or something like that

We set off to the other side of the city for some retail therapy mum said XD
we first went for lunch and we shared a sausage and bacon panini with a brew
then we hit the shops!
mum got everything she needed
i got:
pair of black joggers £6
thermal lined tights £3
lilac lace top  £6
cream wool cardigan £10
a kitty t-shirt £1.50
when i got home i realised that the t-shirt, which i had found in the sale part for £1.50 was actually a childrens, it fits totally fine. yeah its only for age 9....seriously -____-
mum says i have a children's body T^T

after shopping we head home and saw to the pets
i keep fussing Ozwald when ever i get the chance
I went on my laptop for a bit and ordered a few bits online
then I made mum a mother's day card as thats in a couple of weeks
luckily I already have stuff for her just needed a card
my brothers birthday on wednesday

might do a quick bit of dancing
then Ozwald sitting, then my nails and bed
god I pray i sleep please please please sleep 
this is literally like the final thing i can try

i still feel pretty good from nigel's treatment
i hope it lasts this way

tomorrow i am seeing adam i believe

He brought me this the other week and one for himself

its basically the exact same game i had on gameboy but i can play it on my 3DS
i started with Chikorita but ive barely played it as ive been wanting to finish Okamiden

Bowen Massage effects

Evening~~~

last night I ached and was fretting about the night as i was at my limit
I had cried a bit before bed time and I thought about sleeping over at adams
but i thought it was best not to do that to him
I went to bed at 9:45pm and I fell asleep pretty quickly due to exhaustion 
I still woke up tho during the night
at 2:30am i felt like I was gonna be sick which isnt normal for me
I got up and went to go get a drink and a sickness tablet
but upon getting the stuff i felt dizzy and really felt like i was gonna
chuck my guts up in the kitchen
so i went down to kitchen floor in the recovery position
anything to help me keep my guts in as i really didnt want to be sick
i was very very hot too but cold kitchen floor soothed me
eventually i was able to take the sickness tablet
and i did feel better
i was up for 2 hour, id had cereal and hot chocolate and crawled to bed

Mum woke me at 9:15am I was semi awake but just didnt want to start the day
when I did get out of bed I was surprised at how i felt
my pain had lessened loads!! I couldnt believe it
it felt like id already had my pain killers
i could feel where nigel had given me Bowel Massage yesterday

i didnt do too much this morning other than my pet sitting 
i was still very tired
I waited for mum to come home and we had lunch then went to a few shops
didnt get anything for myself it was just daily stuff 
we came back and I made myself a brew and got Oz in to sit with me on the sofa
and he shocked me by laying fully out on the sofa!
he even fell asleep!!!!! bless him

Later on I was on my laptop looking as nail ideas
i just could not decide on what to do on mine and adam's mum's nails
ive got the designs sussed now

I have also been planning what Id like to do for adam's 1 year anniversary card

Yoga was bloody tough honestly
i wont be walking tomorrow!

seeing as my body has reacted well physically and mentally to Nigel's Bowen Massage
I txted him and told him and asked if maybe I could give it another go
so he said i have to wait at least a week so im seeing him 2nd March
I have an appt with karen 1st march but I think I would rather try Nigel instead 
as i want to know if it was fluke or if theres something in this bowen massage

tomorrow I have doctors at 8:40am
i am not leaving without sleeping tablets
then me and mum are going to retail shops then for a walk at a nature reserve :D

here's an eye shadow I got in the post with 3 free samples!

Painting at 11pm

Evening~~

I was incredibly restless last night
pain was awful and I wanted to cry out my frustrations
I had an need to paint so thats what I did
I painted from 10:15pm til 10:50pm
I randomly painted a rabbit
I didnt use a pencil I just kept working with paint i was constantly mixing
i suck at painting ive never been good at it but sometimes i enjoy it and do it
so at 11pm i went downstairs to my parents to show them this

mum really liked it and dad thought it was good
my brother thought it was good and a lil weird i had done it in that moment of the night
just couldnt help myself and it distracted me from my endless pain

I went downstairs for an hour then climbed into bed at 1:30am eventually
falling asleep just after 2am to wake up at 3:30am
i dont go into a deep enough sleep im just exhausted
whats wrong with me?
im so tired

i got up at 8:15am 
i got ready to go over to Nigel's for 'Bowen massage' 
it was strange and sometimes a lil painful but i was alright
then he let me fuss his dog who is lovely and bonkers and i can see the love he has for her
i was told to drink a lot and not sit for long periods of time
i came home for a brew~

then I did odd jobs really
got ready to see adam who turned up at mine after the gym
we sat round a little bit but i was gonna fall asleep  so i decided to go out
i took him down to the river where i used to throw stones and skim stones as a kid
i started running down the bank to the river, adam watched
then i threw a stone in watching is splosh 
adam asked "what are you doing jo?"
i didnt turn to face him i just continued and luckily he passed the test
and came to join me instead of calling me childish or something
we were there a while and he could obviously throw amazingly far
his skimming skills were amazing too!

we walked to a pub for a brew and it was a proper brew too with tea leaves
i was well happy but very achy and tired
we headed to the car as it began to rain 
we got to mine and tried to round in Oz out the shed but he wasnt having any of it
from me mum and adam XD
so i got my girls out and we sat with them
when i took them home Oz decided he wanted fuss so i scooped him up
and brought him on the sofa to fuss with adam 
then i took adam and Oz home XD

since then I havent done much
been trying to think of ideas for a rabbit quilt I want to make for my wall in my room
its gonna take a lot of designing!!

god knows how my night is gonna go 
i told mum and adam i could easily have a hissy fit
and get uspet tonight as my frustrations and fatigue is bubbling over
so if that is what happens tonight i have warned all XD

tomorrow not seeing adam as he's working a longer shift
but i will entertain myself as per usual~

Losing dignity at 10am

Evening~~~

I didn't sleep too badly last night
i was in quite bad pain going to bed
so it took 3 hours to get off to sleep
which took it to about 12:30am

I didn't do too much in the morning
i had a shower and did the pet duties
and was dying of stomach ache
i have had stomach ache for 8 days now
whats up with me

i will say what did happen in the damn morning tho
my brother phoned to say that he was expecting a package from amazon
i thought "well im still going in the shower"
so I showered and got out to the sound of the door bell going
i just groaned knowing i was the only one home
I quickly grabbed a towel round me, ran to mum's bedroom and shouted out the
window to the poor postman who looked up to see sopping wet with a towel
hiding my modesty
i asked him to leave the parcel at the front door he did and didnt look at me again!
do i look that bad as a drowned rat!?
i went to go get dressed in the bathroom and the door goes again!!!
window cleaner!!
damn him so i was dressed but still with sopping wet hair i answered and paid him
and went to dry my hair
theres no dignity left with me
in the space of 10 minutes id embarrassed my self twice in front of two men
also also the parcel wasnt even for my brother it was for me!!
so i couldnt even moan to him!!!!
very annoying!

i went to make myself cheese on toast for lunch
so i grilled one side of the bread
went to put on the other side - sweetcorn, tuna, cheese, mozzarella
wait why is the mozzarella green!!!!!?
seriously it poured out the packet green (it was already pre-grated cheese)
so it ruined the entire thing and i had to start over!!

I went to meet adam at the gym he said he's been watching me reverse up
with his friend on the CCTV all i can say is, thank god i can reverse and did it first time
otherwise that would have been embarrassing

we went to his and i wanted to go out so we went to walk to his local shops
we went round charity shops and i found 2 pokemon figures i rescued
we went for ice cream then went to his for a brew and talked with his dad
then had a play fight on his bed

i came home and since then i havent done much
but i plan to hopefully do some dancing or drawing
something anyway
then watch anime with Oz

tomorrow I am seeing Nigel
he isnt giving me acupuncture tho!
hes learnt a new type of massage, but he isnt qualified in it
but would like me to be his guinea pig and i agreed cus i dont mind really
so thats at 10:30am not sure how long for tho
then seeing adam apparently

wonder what tonight will be like
some nights i ache like crazy
some im shattered
some im hyper and feel like howling at the moon XD

my nails this week~

another wasted monday

Evening all~~

And what a total waste of a day today has been
which exactly like last monday which surprised me
I just felt exhausted and mentally drained
once again I hadnt slept
I was aching like crazy in bed and I got up when my parents went to bed
i thought "sod it i will take two" instead of taking 1 pain killer
only when I had taken it did I remember I still had one left in my system from
earlier so I had overdosed a lil but I wasnt arsed
wasnt going to kill me
did make me feel off my head tho as im not used to taking 2 anymore
never mind 3 so I went to bed to conk out on there which I did
then I woke up in the night as per usual~

I havent done anything today like literally nothing
i went back to bed at 12pm
i just couldnt think my eyes felt tiny and sore
so i slept for 2 hour straight and i did feel more awake when i got up
but my body was still very sluggish
its taken til 6pm for energy to flow so i did a bit of dancing

i did some doodling today and i found an anime for me and Oz to watch later
apart from that ive done nothing
i did eat one of mum's homemade cookies
i knew i shouldnt but i wanted it as they arent that big and i hadnt eaten much 
but i actually didnt enjoy it
so i know not to bother next time  i will leave the rest for my brother to scoff XD

tomorrow I am hopefully seeing adam woo
be nice to have some company but i dont know what to do with him
i cant plan my day somehow 

i got some more korean products in the post last week
i got a lavender face cream to make under the eyes brighter - which it does ive tried it!
and i got a orange lip crayon and its proper orange!!!
both im pleased with and i got for a good price with free samples