Evening~~~
O genki desu ka?~~
Last night I was annoyed
I attempted to sleep IN my bed
I thought it was all going according to plan until I started aching
and a whisper in my head told me I hadnt taken my pain medication
and at 12:30am I got up and had to get rid of the content of my stomach
i thought whilst i was up id go see if I had in fact not taking my pain medication
and low and behold I hadnt! that is why I was aching
and even at 1:30am whilst I tried to sleep in my bed I just didnt feel comfortable
so in the end at 2am I climbed on top of the sheets and wrapped my dressing gown
round me, as i am sick to death of being sodding cold at night
its not cold but I am, its my anti-depressiants
what little circulation I had has gone basically
my hands are constantly cold and white like scary white
I woke up at 9am after I eventually drifted off to sleep
I spent my morning doing a bit of sewing and I told mum I was seeing adam after he'd
eaten lunch at the gym. she asked what i was doing about lunch
i told her i hadnt eaten today and would eat later as i was trying to give my guts a break
i hadnt eaten but by 11am i had visited the toilet 3 sodding times
my patience was wearing thin
I told mum id be home after picking adam up and popping to the shops and post office
I told her I wanted to crack on with sewing and drawing
she said "and this is how youd be if you were 'normal', constantly wanting to do things and adam content with not doing anything. which is why i dont think you two would work if you were normal" if thats mums way of asking me to break up with adam then she best come out and say it. i HATE people pussy footing around me
shes right what she says tho. cus if im totally honest if i was 'normal' i wouldnt have a boyfriend any how, no time and not important enough to take my time. who needs love and emotions right
i told her i envy the fact that a lot of people my age are happy to waste their days doing nothing how easy they find it to switch off but i just dont.
mum said because ive been feeling so crap lately she doesnt blame me for wanting to get stuff done cus ive been missing out on all i want to do
i met adam in the pouring rain
i had to take him home to fetch a coat
we went to a few shops
it felt good to be able to drive again as it felt like someone had taken my right to drive
i was safe and no issues happened
i posted a lil rabbit toy i had to my cousin as it looks similar to her new bunny
thought it would be a nice surprise for her
we came back to his house and i stayed for a cup of tea but i could feel my stomach griping
whether that was from lack of food or it wanting to be requited with the toilet
i didnt know. nor was i gonna chance it
so at 2:30pm i said i was leaving to have some food
adam could tell i didnt want him with me
i was not prepared to waste my day dosing and playing games
no way. i would have bitten his head off i think
before i left adam asked me to show his dad my driving license which i did
and his dad laughed...yeah i get that kinda response. i was 17!!!!
he said "you sure this isnt your brother's license? you look chinese"
i said "chinese!?"
he said "you should be careful when you go abroad they may not let you back in the UK you know what with you needing a VISA and such" clearly loving this
so tonight i texted adam and said "when i next see your dad i will speak to him in my native language" he asked what i meant i told him "when i see him and i can be arsed i will speak japanese to him as im totally capable, seeing as he thinks im of the asian persuasion" he found it hilarious and cant wait to see it
got home and made myself a salad which stayed in me for about 2 hours
i did a tiny bit of sewing but im waiting for the burgundy lace in the post so its on hold now
i did some more drawing
got a lil further i guess but i got distracted reading manga and being with pets
tonight i did a bit of dancing and got a bit sweaty
i couldnt face showering again so i didnt
lately for the last week ive been showering twice a day and today i can not be arsed
the music choice lately has been Kalafina/fictionjunction
i listen to that group when im drawing, i did listen to mami kawada but i fancied a change
im enjoying their song sprinter very much ^^
i prefer listening to my groups live performances rather than their recording studio CDs
so many groups i wish i could go see live or even meet
i noticed that i only listen to female artists now
in my car today i blasted out 'sayonara solitaire' as a celebration of being back behind the wheel, that truly has to be my favourite song of all time. such beautiful lyrics. i have loved it for many many years so i think i can safely say it is my favourite song. its hard to have a favourite song when theres soooooo many right
anyway tomorrow
mummy wishes to have a trip to the city centre
i will accompany her
we dont need much so hopefully wont be too long
adam said he wants to see me. i swear hes a glutton for punishment
the way i am now why on earth would he chose to see me
he says its because he loves me
love makes humans do strange things if you ask me
Evening
I slept pretty well apart from being cold
keep being cold but then i think its because ive been sleeping
on top of my bed with a blanket instead of sleeping in it under the duvet
i had gotten so used to sleeping this way when sleep was bad only last
monday, but i think i am able to sleep IN my bed not ON it.
I am planning to put this to the test tonight actually
how long has it been since I slept IN MY bed
wow cant actually remember
when i was waking up constantly due to pain and not going into a deep enough
sleep i was padding out my bed as much as i physically could in the hope
it would help me sleep but hopefully none of that is necessary anymore
Anyway today
I was still dizzy but not as bad as I have been
i think taking 2 tablets at night is enough for me
in the morning I stayed home as dad was expecting an engine in the post
yup muggins here had the job of waiting in for it but luckily it came at 11am
but by this time i was on the kitchen floor cutting out my jacket XD
i dont like sitting doing nothing
previous to this i was on the internet casually looking at idols as I do
and I came across something interesting
basically Ogata Haruna from Morning Musume'18 is graduating this June
now she is by far not one of my favourite idols but that isnt the case for someone
in Japan who is selflessly giving out badges outside the venue on the day of Haruna's graduation concert. These badges are for free
what interested me is that he/she is asking for artist to post their fan art of Haruna so she/he can make these badges. They are asking for 3-5 artist and are welcoming foreign fans.
This got me thinking
So i checked on what other people had already submitted and if im honest i didnt like any of them they all sucked. so not much competition there!
I would like to make my own badge design and send it in. The person said they are taking donations for the badges and will pay the artist. I dont want any money
I would be thrilled to have my art go abroad that is enough payment for me
so I got started on my own Ogata Haruna badge~
I would be further but I got distracted through out the day XD
upon looking at all this I thought Id google 'Ogata Haruna fan art' just to see casually how others had drawn her. safe to say there was next to none images. Like no one has drawn her? i find it hard to believe so perhaps the images are hiding from me. But one image did pop up.
An image of Tanaka Reina (an Idol i LOVE) fan art on a t-shirt
so naturally i followed the link and it took me to a website my brother has used a few times to buy t-shirts from - Red Bubble
I had a look at how others post their art on there and sell their art basically
and how easy it looked. I thought it was a good idea and im thinking of having a go
i mean how hard can it be right?
so thats after I have finished the badge
todays artistic mission.
Adam rang me after he'd finished work at 3pm
I told him id cut my jacket out and all the business about art
he was impressed and said "you have been busy researching havent you"
i said "i know it makes me sound like im important but it all was total fluke" XD
he asked me if I had remembered to look at JET2holidays
I told him yes, he sounded shocked that id remembered
so i thought id bring the level back down
"yeah i looked for about 15mins i was researching where places are on the globe, I didnt know where Malta was AND i found out where Portugal is"
he said "portugal is next to spain...you didnt know this?"
i said "no i had no idea"
he said "i thought you did geography in high school?"
i said "yes but we learned about mumbai and the rainforest not about the world or countries it was ever so helpful"
I continued with my jacket I got a quite a bit sewn on to it today
then did drawing, danced for half hour
I havent left the house today anyway
im thinking and hoping that i will be fit to drive tomorrow
think im seeing adam anyway tomorrow
but im happy with my own company damn it but its wrong to push people away
my distraction today was watching music videos and live videos as usual
Konbanwa
I only took 2 antidepressiants last night
instead of 3 in the hopes that I would still sleep
and that I might be able to drive and eat normally
well I slept which was a good start
but my dizziness if anything seemed worse than yesterday
and im still running to the toilet after food
and cus i am so dizzy I am still unfit to drive
this is getting real old real fast
I spent my morning laying on my bed reading Nura manga
im on book 17 of 25 now! then Id like to start on pandora hearts
i have read a lot of pandora hearts so i may not need to start from the beginning
but i shall see. I ordered the last volume last week you see~
I want to read Natsume's book of friends but the next volume isnt coming
out til I believe september -_____- i cant wait that long!
anyway moving on
after I had read Nura I went in the shower were I discovered that I was truly
very dizzy today and was not at all impressed by this
I couldnt even think straight there was no thought process
adam wanted to see me but i couldnt organise a damn thing
in the end he got dropped off after lunch
which gave me time to do a few jobs and make my dad lunch as it was just us two in the
house today which is odd in its self
my brother went out on his BMX which he practically lives on :D hes really good on it
and my mum went to go do a 5k Nordic walking challenge 50mins away in Thorsby
adam came over and we went for a walk to the woods which didnt involve me driving
on the way we saw mum driving home! she pulled over and got out her car and she
showed me the medal she had been given for completing the challenge its really cool
the bull head in the center spins round! i have never seen a medal like it
then she went off home after id filled her in a bit on what dad had been keeping himself busy with whilst shes been out as we got the impression he wasnt thrilled to be left alone on his day off, like a big kid really. doesnt know how to entertain himself and expects mum to always entertain him and to be able to do her house work as well! today he'd finished the jet washing and cut the grass and other bits and bobs.
we came back and played on pokemon for a bit
i havent been right all day tho - mentally
something is quite up with me and its not my fault ether it feels like something is messing with the order of my brain. some moments i feel like having a argument or fight really then others i just want to be left alone. i think today i would have been more than happy with my own company. being with adam was no problem and i know deep down i was happy for his company but i felt nothing towards him not love and affection and i didnt want his affection ether. didnt need nor want it. and i know he could tell that and he's seen me like this before. a new added extra was how horrible i could have been today and relished in it also. and thats NOT me i am not a horrible person, but the thoughts of what was wanting to be said was cruel words to upset the other person and enjoy upsetting them in the worse ways but not being content with just upsetting the one person oh no it was a case of the more the merrier. i could have kicked off and laced into anyone. and knowing exactly what to say, what buttons to press. its another side to me. one i keep locked and sealed and buried. its like living with another entity as its not me at all.
adams mum came to pick him up at 5:30pm which was nice of her as she had dropped him off earlier too. saves me risking life behind the wheel.
when i was left to my own devises i went on my laptop for a bit, chose a few fabrics to hopefully start making my jacket tomorrow. might dance as well. seeing as i got a lot of dancing done last night.
tomorrow think its just me by myself really
im no good to anyone like this im best left alone really
Konbanwa~~~
I went to bed a bit smacked out my head last night
it is taking some getting used to with taking these tablets
i have to say, but i know i will get there and if it will help
me sleep like a normal person all the better!
I woke up at 11:30pm tho /:
whats with that? and whats more is i didnt feel drowsy like how I did
an hour previously when I first went to bed
I felt i needed to get up so I did just for an hour and I nodded off again
i have no idea why i needed to wake up and how i didnt feel like death
body is just strange i guess
I woke up at 8am as a bee flew in through my window and the noise
of it buzzing woke me, miss.light-sleeper
so I was up then and cleaned out my piggies as they smelt like farm yard animals
I had breakfast which resulted to me running to the toilet
this is like day 4 of everytime i eat i have to get to a toilet and fast
theres nothing left but sadness XD im sick of going
Mum dropped me off at adams house today
as im still quite dizzy and spaced out and dont trust myself behind the wheel
he wasnt expecting me but was happy to see me still and we walked up to the shops
for lunch but i told him i wasnt eating and would eat when i get home
there was no way i was gonna risk eating there and running to his loo
we got back and he ate and i just had a drink and made an origami cat whilst waiting XD
cant help but do stuff
I painted his mum's nails I used nail tape and i remembered why i dont use that stuff
its damned fidley and very annoying but we got there and she was pleased with her fan design
at 2pm mum came to pick me up and i had lunch followed by a trip to the toilet
i hate eating at the moment its not worth the hassle
but i gotta eat
whilst i was eating i noticed my dad was in the garden setting fire to stuff
safe to say i couldnt eat my lunch quick enough and was desperate to see what
he was settling fire too
i came out and discovered it was ants nest he was burning with fuel and matches XD
very safe XD
our whole garden is slopping if you look at the photos from 24 years ago when we first moved here our lawn, rockery and everything really was pretty much level and now its truly not
our rockery looks like its being pushed forwards and its suppose to keep the land in check
so dad decided that he would start taking it apart and that when he started burning ants nests as its amazing how many you find under stuff and the red ants hurt bad when they bite
i stayed outside for about 2 hours with him just generally assisting really and enjoying seeing what we found under the rocks i know the soil round here is very clay like and i was surprised to see that the clay soil changed from reddy brown to light grey the deeper dad dug
then it rained so we came in and i sat with Ozwald and a brew
since then i have made myself some pasta and ate it and went to the toilet
starting to see a pattern
food = stomach upset
then i watched a few live performance videos on youtube cus i enjoy that time to time
as evening comes my dizziness increases which i find bazaar
so im trying to cope with that currently
its peeing me off!
id like to do a bit more dancing tonight if i can
i mean it is sodding hot again and im dizzy but i want to do something
tomorrow i believe I am seeing adam
but as to what we are doing remains a mystery
that is simply because without me we dont have transport
annoyingly
so if im still unfit to drive then it limits the day somewhat
id like to be able to drive tomorrow but no point in risking it
just have to see
the second hair clip i brought, cute huh
Evening~~~
I woke up a fair bit last night having dreams and having some dreams
i wanted to wake up from, it is rather scary being in a dark closed room
with a beastly dragon firing fire balls at you, jeez i dont even know where
half my dreams come from
I did manage to go to sleep instantly each time I woke up
but I did notice that I was wet with sweat as I was well layered up
on a night probably most people slept on top of their duvet
it was a warm night to say the least
but I was still shivering despite my hot body temperature
mum woke me at 7:30am but I found it hard to rise
as I felt like a drowsy zombie XD
but I knew I had to get up for Ozwald
we got him to the vets on time and our usual vet greeted us
and she was heavily pregnant!! I couldnt believe it
I said to her it doesnt feel long ago she was on her honey moon
but she said that was 3 years ago!! she said shes been a vet for 9 years now
so I have know her some years as Ive owned rabbits for 13 years which is half my life now
Oz was so good honestly he didnt even flinch when the needle went in!! hard core!!
what i didnt appreciate was how he was all over the vet!!! he was leaning up at her
not me
and giving her licks
not me
talk about second best Ozwald he didnt want to know me and wasnt in a rush to leave ether!
the vet loved Ozwald as usual and wishes all her patients were like him
flirting with the nurse Oz
We got him home and I told mum I still felt unfit to drive
im still very dizzy but i can tell i have improved from yesterday in that respect
but im still dizzy and its making me feel a little sick from the dizziness and my stomach is still majorly off it doesnt like food at the moment it would seem
but i will get there. my mood is a lil strange too my head feels very mixed up
im trying to distract myself from dwelling on it all
I got dropped off at psychology were i could not be arsed to go
but i went as i know i have to >.>
we didnt talk much about family as he said we would it was more about my responsibilities in life
and how sleep effects life. he wasnt impressed by my doctor swapping me to another anti-depressiant so quickly. and he suggested that i may need to meet with a psychiatrist to sort medication out as theyre more specialised in mental health medication
i came away feeling a lil annoyed by all we talked about i felt like i had to stand my ground with it all but that might have just been the way i was feeling like i said i don feel quite right in the head today.
mum picked me up and told me that she had posted my ebay stuff off
think ive made a total of £25 so it was worth doing i guess
we came home and i checked on Oz he seemed fine just warm bless him
Today I made mum a new waist pocket thing i suppose it looks similar to the retro 'bum bags' as she likes to have one to put her keys in and phone when she goes for her walks, but because she got a new phone recently shes struggling to fit it in as its much bigger than her blackberry and she asked me yesterday if id make her one before sunday so thats what i did today i took my time as i have little brain power but somehow i didnt screw it up! she was pleased with the result
I havent done a great deal else and it feels like a long day today
but i think its cus i was up early and i havent had a sleep in the day today ether
oh and a massive achievement to myself today i am officially 2 days clean of Tramadol
this hasnt happened for 7 years so its something to be proud of
and hopefully i can keep being clean as i do plan to be rid of them for good
I got this in the post this week its a hair clip, but so cute right i love it
tomorrow i think im seeing adam but hes in work earlier and im not sure if i will be able to drive or not so i will have to see about it all
suppose to be another warm day tomorrow as well
Evening
I slept
what more can I say to that
I actually slept
like normal sleep for me
I know its normal because:
its deep sleep im not waking up shattered
I have a weird dream that keeps me busy in my sleep
I stay in my bed all night!
I couldnt believe it when mum woke me that it was the morning
it felt like only hours
slight issue tho I felt really drowsy, not tired, drowsy
Mum said I looked worse for having a normal night's sleep XD
hows that possible!? I did look like a zombie tho
seriously like halloween had come early to me
mum, my brother and adam could tell i wasnt on the right planet today
just by looking at me i believe
Anyway so this morning another discovery I made was
that I was incredibly dizzy and woolly headed
and my heart is pounding like its having to work extra hard
I walked downstairs and sat in a seat thinking
"whats making that banging noise?" I'll tell you what it was
it was my heart beat, I could hear it very loudly in my ears
I felt so dizzy to the point of losing my balance or feeling faint
I didnt feel sick but the constant dizziness did make me feel off after a while
I just felt awful if im honest. I wasnt tired but had gained a lot more crap
so I did what I thought was best and went back to bed at 9:30am thinking
that I could sleep the rest of the medication off
woke up at 12pm to the sound of every house alarm going off within a 5 mile radius
ugh not what I wanted to wake up to and I knew what it meant
we had a power cut...still it got me up as i couldnt believe the amount of
time i had slept. I noticed that I had sweated a lot through the night and also during my sleep
in the morning, I was hot like seriously hot. you could probably cook an egg off me
so i dived from my bed to the shower
which i didnt enjoy as my heart was working double time and i felt dizzy
I came downstairs afterwards and adam was ringing me
he wanted to come over. despite me txting him hours earlier telling him NOT to come see me
as i was living corpse and no good to anyone
basically when my health is bad all i do is hole myself away from everyone
i HATE people to see me to see my illness
its not fun im not fun and its a waste of everyones time involved
as i cant be myself and i cant do anything with anyone
im best left alone
despite me saying all this it still didnt put him off as he was on the bus over to
my house!! i just knew i was gonna get a telling off for this from mum
she hates me seeing people when im like death as she sees it as being unfair on me
but anyway he turned up
he was sweaty as it was 25c today! he had taken the time to buy me flowers ^^
I have done nothing all day apart from sit
laying around
occasionally going into the sun and sitting some more
i couldnt even fuss the pets as they were hot also
so theyre having extra long outside tonight
millie and maisy have really become fast friends
I told adam that he shouldnt come and see me like this
that its a waste of his time
but ether he just doesnt get it or sees it differently but he says it doesnt bother him
well sometimes i just wanna die in peace ok
i did get the 3rd degree from mum when he'd gone -_______-
when he'd left i wrapped up all my ebay stuff ready to post tomorrow
I decided id go yoga not knowing how id cope but knew i was aching a lot
due to not doing any exercise today so i knew ether way id got to do exercise
as is the nature of the beast of having hyper-mobility-syndrome
Yoga was HOT there was no fans or air con and only one small window open
but we had little breeze and no clouds today so a whole lotta good it did
i dont know how i got through the session i know several times i got the 'concerned look' from mum and karen. Mum told me later it was because i was like white and sweating. how i was getting goosebumps when i was roasting is beyond me. Karen looked sick, she must have lost a stone this week, seriously. I know shes got stomach issues and waiting for an op but my god shes lost weight in a week i hope shes gonna be ok
I did read the leaflet that came with my anti-depressiants
basically they can cause heart to beat out of rhythm, dizziness, for moods to change rapidly until they get fully working (which why the doctor asked me if i felt suicidal) these tablets are kinda like a 'last resort' if all else fails which explains why i havent been prescribed them before, theyre none-addictive and the side effects ease up after 2 weeks, great 2 weeks+ of this!
so i can expect my moods to change then from looks of things so i told mum that cus other people around you tend to notice your mental state more than you do.
tomorrow is suppose to be another hot day
i swear our country has the worlds mentalist weather
my pets are hot cus they still have their winter coats on! no one saw this weather happening
be rained like crazy before we know it or even snowing lets just see
anyway tomorrow Oz has the vets at 9am which by that time of morning wont be warm other wise id cancel his appt and take him when its cooled off out there as its not an emergency its just his yearly jabs and a health check. Then im coming home to drop him off and going near enough straight back out for psychology at 10am for an hour then driving down the road for the post office to post off my ebay crap basically then coming home to die
Konbanwa
ahhh Atsui ne~~ Atatakai
Last night I started my new anti-depressiants
these must be my 7th type I have tried
and disappointingly I had to take 3 >.>
for someone who is trying to reduce their medication and going from taking
just one anti-depressiant to 3 is a kick to the gut >.>
but anyway I did feel drowsy and I went to bed at a 'normal' time of 10pm
I woke up at 12 and fell asleep til 1:30am which is when my back
proper ached from Nigel and I needed pain relief!!!
I was up then til 3am just reading manga and eating cereal same old really
and I fell asleep til 8am then
This morning even tho I had still had disturbed sleep I didnt feel shattered
usually I wake up and come 10am Im struggling to keep my eyes open
but maybe its because I slept deeper that I didnt feel so dead
ether way I was happy about that
and got on with my day
by 10:30am I had
cleaned out my pets
hovered my car
washed my car
had a shower
had breakfast
I was on it this morning~
I txted adam to ask what he wanted to go after the gym today
as it was probably England's first hot day of 2018
I was thinking a walk near water but mum said it was full of the little flies in the air that appear
this time of year as thats how it was yesterday so i skipped that idea and we went for a walk round a park and walked round a few shops and i drove to his house
all day i have been a bit off...
like i see the negative straight away in things where there probably could not even be negativity so ive had to watch my mouth today otherwise i could be very rude i think and maybe nasty too
when we got to adams his dad had just come in and i knew we couldnt not talk to him so i sat and talked for a bit but i havent been in a talkative mood all day so i found it an effort and thats no fault of anyones but myself. in the end the pair of them started talking about sport so i walked off as i find it so boring listening to sport.
adam turned on Okami as he knew I wanted to play on it
so I started playing on that whilst i think he played on his phone im not entirely sure as i sat in front of him and zoned out in front of the game. i told him id had enough of playing and he turned it off and flicked through facebook, i patiently waited and just rested a minute on his bed then he went on this game on his phone and started playing that so i turned over and was just zoning out waiting for him and then he said "this boss is gonna take a while" I said "im gonna go home if youre playing that" it was 4:45pm and I was planning on leaving at 5pm anyway
he didnt want me to go and i could see he felt bad and said "i was playing on it thinking you were resting" i said "no i was waiting for you, i dont know why you cant wait til i have gone home"
so I went home cus i have better things to do
i told mum I had been in a bit of a mood all day
and i sat outside in the garden in the sun reading my kindle with a brew to try relieve some tension
mum said i blame myself too much and that im not entirely at fault
i dont think id been home 20mins before adam txted saying he loves me and i txted back saying i love you too kinda thing, not wanting to look like a complete bitch. he said "i miss you" and i could have bitten heads off with that sentence. i said "im sure youre fine youre usually are" but i could have said a lot worse. and he said "i still miss you tho" i didnt txt back.
hes on about seeing me tomorrow but i will see how i am first
patience with stuff is thin today for some reason
the stuff i put on ebay finishes today!
The total payment came to £44.02! so i hope it was worth doing but of course i have postage to pay out for and ebay fees also. but i bet I will come away with £10 i hope anyway!
i will post stuff on friday or even tomorrow if everyone pays up
heres something i got off ebay the other week
its a new bodyline skirt for £10 its beautiful and high quality i love it!
the straps can be tied in a bow or taken off
tomorrow i have got yoga and thats it really
i wonder how sleep will go tonight
the new japanese compression socks are great!
