Evening one and all
I went to bed at maybe 2ish this morning as I couldnt sleep
but what is new there! I needed pain killers like some sort of junkie
but I refuse to lose to them. I didnt take them
I went to bed to try sleep
I woke up sat up right on my bed, feet on my floor...
thats a new one on me!!!! How do you wake up like that!?
I was aching even at this point so I got up and again went downstairs
it was gone 4am by time i had slept and woke up at 8:45am
brilliant amount of sleep that is. 4 days in a row now
those tablets are doing nothing for me anymore
im left to suffer and REFUSE to see my GP as it will be a...
complete and utter waste of time and life
I will wait til next friday to see the psychologist and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist
in the mean time eat salad and soup!
i love life!
Oh I watched kinda like the last episode of Kara no Kyokai
it was 2 hours long so I watched it in 3 parts
brilliant, sick but brilliant
theres extra episodes so i will check them out!
Oz stayed with me the whole of the last hour and he was good boy :D
Today tho my Ozwald is like a feral rabbit
he bit my nipple twice >.> through clothes obviously but it hurt a lil i have to say
and he was pulling some faces at me and scurrying me
not looking forward to spending time with his mardy pants tonight
I trimmed the girls's claws and i gave maisy a hair cut
Ive been drawing as well today
drawn I believe 4 pictures now
I did 40mins of straight dancing like a pro XD
we had yoga tonight and my lovely teacher karen has lost so much weight
but she puts up a front shes strong and she has always had my respect
she is a strong woman
but todays class i have to say was the hardest ive had in some time
jesus it was difficult
I got home and dad was cleaning out this car to sell to someone and it was a 4x4
i was dying for a go so I had ago!
there was 3 neighbours - men - talking together watching me
i said i was gonna go joy riding, hand break turns and what have you
i set off and i was only gone 5 mins but i had sooooooo much fun i loved it!!
like driving a bus youre so high up! it didnt 'go' tho it had like no power cus its old and stuff
but it was fun
i went to get out of the car to find the neighbours watching me i said
"that was the most fun ever" and they just laughed
always amusing others i am~
im excellent at making others laugh
I have been looking into violin lessons
im thinking of picking up an instrument
baring in mind i have NEVER played anything NEVER had a desire to play and have NEVER been able to read music but im wondering if i should try my hand at something new
and i like the violin out of all instruments
we shall see, mum is tempted to join me i can see she is
tomorrow ahhh tomorrow hopefully fingers crossed should be good
as im going over to mia's in the morning to draw
both of us are gonna do our art together
then might go shops or cafe later
obviously i cant eat yet so im gonna have to come home for food
but should be good~~
pikachu i doodled and took a photo of it
random i know
Evening~
I'm quite fed up lately
I had a crackin' time at Mia's last night
I didn't get home til gone 10:30pm - what a rebel XD
After that my evening went rapidly down hill
I didn't sleep til gone 5am...
I was aching and in need of Tramadol but I havent taken it in like 2 weeks
i refused to cave into it, I chose to suffer and go without sleep than to ruin my clean streak
So I fell asleep after 5am and woke up at 8:30am
great
I was shattered as this day 3 of crap sleep
Im still not myself mentally
i still cant eat like a normal person
Im skipping breakfast cus theres no point in it
My morning consisted of going to a couple of shops with mum
we managed to pick Karen up something for her birthday
We popped into pets at home for bunny food and they had baby guineas like literally hamster size they were very young and very noisy and very cute X3
We came home and mum made me a salad
wooooo salad -____- its wearing thin fast
after lunch I made a roast vegetable soup by winging it again no recipe
after that I did some more drawing
and then mum was going up to Nigel's so she dropped me off at adams house
so I was only seeing him for an hour which at the moment is enough cus im growing bored and agitated very quick and easily.
But what was the point in me going up today? id say none what so ever
literally i spoke more to his dad than to him and I didnt go up there to make idle chit chat with his dad. so it annoyed me and i was sure to txt him and tell him. I also told him im sick of being court jester to him and his family. Literally every saturday i come away feeling ive talked more to his parents than i have to him i feel like I go up entertaining them all. I entertain his parents by talking and he just watches and listens. its never a 4 way convo and its peeing me off so ive told him now and I know ive probably made him feel crap but its making me feel crap every time i come away on a saturday or whatever. He says he will try harder.
But today it literaly gave me no time to talk to him about anything
sometimes i choose to go in his room just so i can talk to HIM and not his parents
i love his parents and i like talking to them but at the end of the day i go up to see HIM not them.
see what happens, im fed up of everything currently. and my relationship which is suppose to make me happy and enjoy life is just adding to the fed up list quite frankly.
I can't make any rash decisions when im like this. im not planning of splitting up cus next week i might be totally different. we shall see
Anyway for dinner I had soup
woooo soup again!
feel like ive nothing but moaned here tonight
I need to dance I need to get out my system but ive got stomach ache and i dont feel that well actually but i want to soldier on and do what i wanna do.
Tomorrow so far as i know ive just got yoga in the evening if im ok to go as last week i couldnt face going what with how my stomach was or in fact still is.
Heres a japanese facial product i brought the other week and Ive been using it for 4 days in a row and my god my face is so soft and glows which is what the reviews say but you can never fully believe reviews but i am impressed i have to say!
Otsukaresama deshita~~
I didnt sleep well despite taking 2 tablets
I was up til 2am
and I am very hungry by which time, I can hear my stomach chewing on it's self
mum woke me this morning before she went to work so I was up at 8:30am
sometimes wish I was working -___-
My morning consisted of
3 toilet trips
no breakfast
drinking a brew outside whilst watching my piglets
dancing for almost an hour
learning a dance from start to finish
recording a dance
completing that online form
researching what dances I wanna learn
showering
all done by 11am
by which time adam was just about up and leaving for the gym
I told him I was drawing and maybe sewing today
so later when he said "what do you wanna do today?" thinking he was seeing me
I said "well ive told you what im doing today"
he said "so youre not seeing me?"
I said "no because you may be happy to doss and do nothing all day but its not good enough for me I cant sit and waste my day i wanna crack on. and 9/10 lately i feel all we do is sit round and its boring"
He said "well youve got to doss some days you cant be doing stuff all day everyday"
i said "I know you cant be doing stuff all day and every day, as for me, just watch me" XD
and left him at that, he left me a text saying he loves me
its just dull you know? i know EXACTLY how it would have panned out today if i had seen cus it would have been just like any other Tuesday
we would have met after his 1 hour session in the gym, gone to his were his dad has the day off and just sit in the living room playing happy families. and im sick of that crap. its a waste of life. im sick of pleasing people and looking like court jester to their family. i want to do what i want to do.
so im doing is basically sod everyone.
i mean yes we COULD have gone out dont get me wrong there was nothing stopping us going out as it was sunny out and stuff. Just one little thing that annoys me with that is, well actually 2 things
1. I would be the one coming up with ideas on where to go what to do
2. I would be the one taking us and bringing us back in my car
sick of it.
So I did what I wanted to do
I got a fair bit of drawing done and designing done
I can't sew until I have received the lace in the post which shouldnt be too long now
I made myself salad for my dinner, so Im eating a different dinner to my family
I had the last portion of soup so ive got to make some for tomorrow
I am seeing my bestest sister tonight Mia I have plenty to tell her
I sat with my Ozwald
tomorrow looks like I will be popping to a few shops with mummy
as we need something for karen's birthday
and then I might do some more drawing i know adam will want to see me
but its whether i want to see him
I did txt him basically saying that we're two different people he is content to spend his days doing nothing but its not good enough for me, i will get annoyed at wasting my day and i will probably from there get annoyed at him so to stop me doing that we're best off doing different things now again. He says hes fine and understands
Oh and here's me I took a photo of myself on saturday i was in seifuku
Evening Evening~~
Mite Mite~~~~
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have the ending!!!! Came in the post today
after 8 years of collecting I have the last book
I have been collecting since I was 18 and I was in college
I used to go on my lunch break to pick up the new copy
and since then just slowly been collecting and im so glad i can say i have the whole
series of Pandora Hearts as I love it!! DAISUKI!
brilliant series, the anime is alright but mangas just rule
so when i have finished reading Nura I will go to Pandora Hearts!
I have worked out that just 1 antidepressiant isnt enough to sedate me
as Im finding it hard to get off to sleep and to remain asleep
I had to get up like at 1:30am I still feel like pinks is in the living room
but I know shes not its kinda a habit to poke you head round the door
to see if she too is awake.
So this morning I had to get up
My stomach hurt and I was befriending the toilet then i went for a shower
and got ready to go into the city centre
I was early this morning so I popped into a couple of shops before I went to the agency
the agency building was massive but I was told they were out of interview rooms so would i like to conduct business in their office. So now Im in an office with 2 men
1 of which used to deal with me (but never met him) when he worked at a previous agency (that im still with) so it was good to actually see who it was who was speaking to me on the phone
I met the guy who was doing my interview
both were probably early 30s and we just laughed and joked through the whole thing
til one said "i promise you Jo we are a proper agency" XD
that was easy but they said ive got to the form online as they didnt have any paper copies to hand, so i said id do it when i got home. and i left
I then shopped for over an hour going all over the place
I did managed to pick up
2 x chokers for £2 each in the sales
some dried apple for mum and Oz for 90p
2 x pairs of joggers/jogging bottoms one for £8 (sale) £12.99 (non-sale)
I have been hunting for pajamas and joggers and I couldnt find pajamas they were rubbish
who, in April, wants to sleep in mini shorts and a vest/tank top!?
not me Im still sleeping with blankets!!!!
Well happy about the joggers tho as I only like wearing ones with writing on
hate plain ones
At lunch time I went to go meet adam at the bus stop i went to cut through a shop to get there
to find he was walking through to meet me!! strange how we think a like at times it really is
so we went for lunch, i picked a pub thinking they had soup on the menu
chigau! wrong! so i ended up having sweet chili noodles with chicken and veg
which hot but very nice
from there we went to his house, he invited me for a brew
but i could feel my stomach kicking in so i said i was gonna go home
i was home at 2:30pm and mum came home we caught up
I sat on my sewing machine and made her a little draw string bag shes been wanting
then i checked my mail for this form but i hadnt got it not even in my spam mail
so ive requested that
been looking at dances and other bits really
I made myself a salad seeing as i had nothing left in my stomach
im so damn hungry all the time!!!!
might do some dancing now, i mean ive done a lot of walking today but i enjoy
getting dancing out of my system
then i might draw if theres time
tomorrow
seeing adam maybe and then mia!
not seen my lovely sibling in ages!
GooD EveninG
I slept better last night taking 2 tablets
This morning I had stomach ache -_____- I couldnt face food
not after 2 toilet visits within 30mins of waking
so I didnt have anything apart from a brew
I did something I havent done in over 18months
I weighed myself
O:
Seeing how my body is at the moment I felt it might be wise
to keep a check on my weight...
So I was surprisingly cool about it cus I havent been weighing myself due to
the mental grief it gives me. Let's just say it starts a chain reaction of anorexic thoughts
thoughts that quite frankly I can live without
the scaled told me I weigh 9stone exactly which is roughly 57kg
that doesnt sound a lot but to me IT IS
for years during my illness I weighed between 8.4 - 8.6 stone 53kg - 54kg
and I was fine with myself then I was, well not 100% true I still had anorexic thoughts
but I tried not to act on them they were just kinda there constantly
when I was at my 'sickest' i weighed 7.12 stone which is 45kg...i looked sick and thin
but it was because i was so poorly not because i was starving myself
So finding out I weighed 9 stone wasn't as bad as I thought
finding out I had put on half a stone didnt hit me as hard as I thought
I KNEW I had put on weight I could see it on my body this last 6months and feel the change
so maybe thats why it didnt make me go crazy and want to live off water XD
This morning I spent it sorted out the downstairs ready for my parents to come home
i did a little bit of dancing also then showered and went on my laptop
lunch was soup, no bread T^T missing my carbs and cake and biscuits
I picked adam up and we went for a walk then went back to his house
I did his mum's nails, played okami, talked to his parents
his mum offered me cake and i turned it down but she cut me a piece to take home
i was sooooooo hungry truly i was
adam showed me a mini photo album he had and he must be about aged 2 or 3
and sweet and innocent looking, he said "now youve seen mine i gotta see yours"
sooooooo not happening for so many reason
the main reason being that i know for a fact some of pur family albums
have photos of me and my brother naked in the bath together -_____-
what was my mother thinking taking those damn photos
at least facebook wasnt invented and they were posted all over that!!
i will keep those photos very well hidden
I came back and i ate some cake and then had a salad and had a small piece of bread with it
cus my god i cant survive off veg alone
and it would seem i had literally ate poison as i was in the toilet and in pain
mum says if im still the same by friday ive gotta go doctors again T^T
she talked to me about how in whitby it was Goth Weekend
ive always wanted to see whitby goth weekend!!! i wanna go next year!
we then talked about holidays and i told her that today adams parents suggested that the 4 of us go france together and i didnt turn her down or even think about it. my goal this year is to go abroad and in truth im wondering if i will achieve it. i know im not gonna die on holiday but i need to enjoy it not suffer through it and right now im not right they mentioned going away in July
which isnt that long to get physically and mentally stronger is it
i feel a lot of people doubting me but wishing for me to go
people just want for me to be better and live a normal life and to enjoy myself
yeah it sucks being me sometimes
i will get there
i spent some of my evening getting all my documentation ready for tomorrow
as at 10am i am signing onto another teaching agency its in the city centre
so im gonna go there for an hour, shop round then adam is gonna meet me in town
we're gonna have lunch (soup and nothing but soup) then come home!
My nails this week 10 different designs~
Konbanwa~~~~
Ahhh I didn't sleep that well
I only took one tablet like the doctor suggested
but it didnt feel quite enough to knock me out
I think at 12:30pm I must have only just drifted off and then I heard a bang
I went downstairs my brother was there and said he'd knocked the calender
off the wall which was what bang, made a loud noise for a calender
I was up at this point so I got a hot choc and cereal and read for half hour
when i went to bed it took me til 2am to get off to sleep
my mind was very hard to still
so i might take 2 tablets tonight to settle it
So this morning I woke up at 8:45am
I did my pet duty and cleaned the girls out in the drizzling rain
sick of it raining its nothing but rained today, not heavy, but still rain
I got ready to go over and see adam about 11ish
originally i wasnt gonna eat at his house but when we went to get his food
he ordered me a chicken salad and asked for everything in it so i could pick round it
i thought it was a good idea
so thats what i did
and i did manage to talk to him later about whats been up with me mentally
and i talked to him about stuff that is bothering/concerning me about the relationship
he took it all well and told me several hundred times how he loves me and im his
i swear the day we part (if we part) it will be very hard
for him...
I came home at 3pm and I put my girls outside in the drizzling rain
because yesterday when I brought them in the hall they did bugger all
so i thought sod it they can have half hour outside
and they loved it! for a whole hour they stuck it out
i went to get them in
Millie dry-ish
Alice dry
Maisy wet
maisy must not understand why i put stuff out there to shelter under XD
shes been trying to rape millie and alice today shes been right annoying em
piggies get hormonal too every so often it seems
I did some dancing and I got 2 dances recorded and uploaded just 1 for now
shows my blond hair which im quite liking the colour of
i will never have barbie bleach hair ugh i cant stand that false look
I also got a birthday card for karen made i like the design to say i just randomly
thought of it and did it, best way with art sometimes.
Designed adams mum's nails as well shes gonna have lady birds on her nails this week
suddenly remembered at 8pm i hadnt designed em yet XD
I put the girls out for the second time, still Oz decided he wasnt gonna come out
i went to get them due to it starting raining (as yes it did stop at 8pm)
and who decided that when everyone has gone home and its raining again that he
suddenly wants to come out to play...Oz. dont get that rabbit at times
I had another shower but didnt wash my hair cus i'll do it in the morning
there was just no way i could go to bed sweaty
Tomorrow mummy and daddy come home~~
i think theyve been having an alright time
apparently room and weather isnt the best
theyll be home around lunch time im guessing as per usual
so my morning will consist of me sorting pets and cleaning up!
to be honest i have been staying on top of it as usual so shouldnt take me long
then get ready to see adam
but what we will do who knows! depends on weather i guess cus its been so bad last few days
im not gonna stop for dinner cus its usually around dinner time i start feeling the need to spend some quality one to one time with the bathroom. To be honest i havent been that bad today but then I did only take 1 tablet last night and yesterday lived off vegetables like i have done today
im soooooo hungry!!!!! i wanna eat like everything but i dont want the pain
im getting stomach ache now, its trying to sleep with stomach ache which is pain in the arse.
hopefully it will get better soon
tadaima~
Otsukaresama deshita~~
It was hard getting off to sleep last night
my stomach hurt big style im good at coping with pain but
there was no relief after hours of pain
and when I woke up I still had stomach pains!! not as strongly thank god
This morning I stayed out my parents way whilst they got ready for
their weekend to Whitby. Mum takes everything like literally everything
she knows nothing of packing lightly for a weekend XD
They left and I cracked on with my morning!
I have had a productive day of being left to my own devises
I finished my Ogata Haruna badge
I think it looks alright and is certainly different from the others sent in
I hope the person on the other end received it ok
turns out I didnt need any help with it! just that good you see XD
At this point I decided to get the girls in as this morning they went outside
but started raining at 10am and hasnt stopped since its now 7:30pm
so they came in the hall whilst I played with food
never get to play with food
so I made roasted vegetable soup something ive always wanted to have a stab at
I totally winged it, no recipe for me~~
and tasted good actually
No bread or anything, I have snacked on the odd biscuits and cereal but I was trying not eat too much
im missing my food but im looking at food and remembering the pain and 5000 toilet visits
After lunch I began another picture one im thinking of 'selling' but its all a work in process kinda thing im gonna get some opinions on my work and such.
I wanted a shower as i had to wait at least a day before i could wash my hair from dying it
but before i hopped in the shower i did some dancing
oh my god i sweated i was gonna record some dances but i looked soooooo sweaty
dont think people wanna see that!
after that i showered
got Oz in, made a brew and rang ed for almost and hour and a half
we talked about all sorts good to speak to him instead of messaging him
I made myself some dinner, by which i mean i cut up more vegetables and had a salad
ive eaten more veg than the guinea pigs today!
it was alright tho, then i went to do a bit more drawing
now im thinking of having a short dance to stretch out my back from being sat at my desk
ive also designed this weeks nails for myself so im gonna do those tonight woo
i like a productive day~~
tomorrow i have got my girlies to clean out
get ready and stuff and see adam
depending on how my stomach is of course and ive already warned him
i cant eat lunch with him tomorrow
he finishes work at 10:30pm and usually his parents pick him up
but theyre away tonight so he has to walk home which takes 50mins
in the past i have picked him up instead of his parents
but no one has said or asked and i havent offered so im not picking him up
might encourage him to take his damn driving test
yes i am that harsh
after he's done a 13 hour shift and its raining
