Not really getting anywhere with mentalness

Evening

My evening was full of hay fever jesus was it bad
I was up watching tv with my parents as it wasnt like I could
read or fall asleep like that
dad put on 'league of gentlemen' a series ive heard of but never seen
ive seen the actors in other freaky things but that series took the biscuit
seriously messed up stuff that got plenty of reactions out of me XD

I eventually slept and got up early
and woke up with hay fever lovely hay fever to remind me its still there

My morning consisted of painted and mia
i went over to see her for 90mins which was nice
i told her a few bits like id booked my holiday and how im unsure on a...
bikini...such a controversial word in my books
i have never worn one
but standing next to a cool pool in my nunary one piece complete with shorts 
doesnt seem right...
mia said she will help with that when we go manchester next month
nice to have some help on a situation I am clueless about!

I came home and had some lunch
then went to psychology 
which was total and utter waste of time
i was losing focus i was getting so bored and fed up with that man's antics
he totally dismissed wednesday's diagnosis and i think its because hes so egotistical that the reason he dismissed it was because HE hadnt diagnosed it.
He did nothing to help
it was so useless and i came away annoyed and feeling quite helpless
im not seeing him now til 29th June...
Im thinking of when I next go to ask if I can see someone else cus this guy is winding me up

I came away and went for a walk  with mum
we went for ice cream
i tried to relax into it but i wasnt feeling right and hay fever was high

i got home and i painted again
went briefly on my laptop
and i havent done much else since really

tomorrow got another 5k to do at the park run
think ive got to drive this week as dad is robbing mum's car
i hope my legs arent like jelly afterwards!

im in a total mood right now
not happy with life
not sure how to rectify this mood issue

3rd coat

Evening yo!

I didn't sleep too badly
I did wake up at 7:30 with hayfever
i went to bed with sodding hay fever

My morning consisted of me spending time with the tissue box
until the spell had passed I sat and painted
added the 3rd coat of paint to the clouds and fox
then later on I drew in the details on the fox so I could start painting them

think its gonna look awesome when its finally finished which will 2021 XD
I am enjoying doing it

Later on in the morning I went in the car 
then I got out and jogged back to the house which felt good


I didnt have Karen today as she was poorly
so I had the afternoon free

I fell asleep for an hour as i was mentally exhausted
mind is too busy far too busy 

I designed adams mum's nails as i realised its her birthday during her next
set of nail art so she can have birthday nail X3

cant really remember what else i did today
my memory has been shocking as of late

tomorrow seeing mia at 11am then I have psychology at 1:30pm
to talk treatment plans

A diagnosis? A Holiday!

Konbanwa

I slept pretty well last night
I got ready to see adam this morning
felt a little weird not being able to txt him as last night
his phone wouldnt charge and there for died, he texted me using his mummy's phone
I did a bit of dancing before I went out, got really sweaty in just 15mins! Effort!

So I got to his for 11am
we went out into a town and dropped his phone off for repair
we then went into a travel agents 
where we were there for agessssss
the woman who saw to us was brilliant she wasnt a hard sell and gave us her
opinion and help
we sat looked at places and places until we decided on
Tenerife, for 17th October for a week!
We are staying in a lovely resort that has a water park 30min walk away!
It ticked a lot of boxes and we just got it booked
Adam paid the deposit for us
then we went to lunch, lunch i was wondering whether id be able to keep it down or not
i was nervous, anxious, feel sick. Just cus booking something this big is a bit of a shock to my system i have to say! Adam said I was curled in a ball on my seat in the travel agent he said i was tense when i came out too ><

We went back to his house and told his dad
and I didnt have too long with him really because I had psychiatrist to go and see
I saw mum's friend who works there too, I was embarrassed tho
The guy who saw me was helpful and got me to explain whats going off even tho he had my notes from  my psychologist 
I told him and went through a few things
he seemed pretty certain that he had a diagnosis for me
which surprised me as my psychologist didnt even seem to know whats going off
he thinks I have DID Dissociative Identity Disorder 
which was formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder 
I had heard of it, I mean I think a lot of us have heard of Multiple personality disorder 
he said there isnt a cure (theres never a cure for anything i have/get!) he said I could try medication but nothing is out there that will cure it or even have an effect and they come with heavy side effects too, I told him I was loathe to try any medication. He said he will talk to my psychologist to talk about further treatment that will probably end up being talking sessions and after that fails apply  for funding to go see a specialist. 
It's kinda rare but there could be just as many people with DID as there is schizophrenia or Bipolar but not many people come forward and ask for help who have DID do to them feeling embarrassed and ashamed which I felt once I had been 'labeled' 
So on friday im due to see the psychologist 
see what happens from there

I came home and told mum and asked her if she felt ashamed or anything of me
she told me she didnt and that she feels sorry for me having it
I then texted adam about it 
im not sure who I want to know. It sounds crazy
I dont want people to treat me differently or think me crazy.
still digesting it. I cant bare to tell any other family about it.
dad wont care and my brother i dont want him to feel he has a crazy sister. 

Tomorrow I have karen and then maybe yoga
see how i feel

Card  I made for my cousin who will be 20 soon!

Canvas Start

Evening~~

I didn't sleep too bad
when I got up I decided that Id wait for everyone to leave at 9am
and did some dancing, I didnt get that far with it all but still 40 mins of dancing
I was sweating and found it difficult
I had a quick tidy up and went had a much needed shower

Afterwards I cracked open the paints and did another coat
its looking better i believe
then I left that drying and went to make 2 birthday cards 
one for my cousin one for adam's mum
made myself lunch

then I sat on my laptop for a lil while
adam rang at 2:30pm to say he'd finished work and if i wanted to see him
even tho id only be seeing him for an hour and he usually moans about seeing him
just for an hour and not to bother, and he didnt want to meet up today the other day
so I said "i cant win with you" but its me being difficult XD
He said he needed an hour
so I went for a walk with mum for 45mins

Got back to the house and went over to adams
i had a good time and messed around
im always getting up to no good
his parents said it was good to see me peppy compared to the other day when i left their house in one of the moods that keeps happening

I left there at 5:30 even tho i arrived at 3:45pm id still enjoyed myself
i got home and had dinner and mum had made cookies also
ive got awful stomach ache now for some reason
did this yesterday actually

tomorrow might go for a run in the morning then see adam in the afternoon
and may book our holiday...
Ive also got at 3:30pm my first psychiatrist session

I took a photo yesterday of the start I made on my canvas

Started Painting!

Konbanwa~~

I didn't sleep too badly
but I didnt actually get up til 9:45am
I guess I must have needed the sleep

I went for a run this morning
wasnt as satisfying as park run but it still was good to do
came back and showered
then I drew out my painting which took a while

i ran through a few dances cus i felt like doing it
I went and painted a few things on the canvas, everything will need
a second coat it would seem
but I am awfully impressed with the paints, theyre so thick and just have a lot
more pigmentation in them compared to what i have been used to
here's what I picked up yesterday for £41

The paints come on their own box that has 4 trays in to keep them all neat
which I was amazed at i didnt expect the packaging to be such high quality

I applied to the two school jobs
didnt take too much time luckily. I can have a go anyway
doesnt hurt to try and apply to jobs
I made myself cheese on toast for dinner cus its what I wanted

Tomorrow I havent got any plans
adam is working and says he will see me wednesday
so it looks like I can paint ^^ and do as I please
so i might go for another run
maybe see mia if she can be bothered to return a text message -____-
and do whatever else i please~

New Paints!

Evening~

I could actually walk this morning!
Which I was glad about
I slept like crap tho so I was tired when i got up at 8am
I got up and ready and by 10:30am I was up for adam
we went to the Range where I spent £40 on painting equipment 
its been in the pipe line for a while now I have wanted new paints for months!!
So i was happy to finally have earned some money to buy them with

From there we went to his house
I sat and talked about park run with his parents
the 3 of them already knew my time - his dad cant help himself but to look it up - and they were very surprised I had managed such a feat
I drove us to a local park which we walked through to go to the pub for lunch
I had soup I wasnt hungry
then we walked back and I had the afternoon at adams house
I did his mum's nails which she was pleased about
then I left at 5ish

I came home and cooked the bbq for everyone
i dont mind cooking it but my dry hay fever eyes are terrible
i wore sunglasses whilst cooking, had eye drops afterwards and could literally not see
but what can i do
mum did the washing up
that annoyed me
why does she keep mothering me and not let me do what i want to do
its almost smoothing at times
and i get frustrated 
me getting frustrated right now isnt a good thing

im losing what little control i had over myself
my thoughts, emotions, what i come out with, what i do
the control is all slipping
its scaring me
i need help which is starting this week 
a part of my mind needs sedating i think
I fear telling anyone the true extent of what goes off behind my eyes
in this mental head of mine
im scared to tell mum cus i dont want to scare or worry her
i dont want to tell adam he knows bits and pieces but i dont want him to know the nut case he is currently choosing to stand beside
i fear telling mental professionals in case the diagnose me with something i struggle to accept and come to terms with
i think its the whole not knowing thing thats doing me at the moment
not knowing just what the hell is wrong with me

tomorrow im thinking of going for a run in the morning
then not sure for the rest of the day
adam is working all day
so im thinking i could work on my painting!

Me today!

Running 5k without a leash

Evening~~

What an achievement today
seriously I am actually impressed with myself
I did the park run today so thats 5k/3mile
last week my mum put a leash on me making me promise her worrying self
that I would walk not run
well its fair game this week
I ran it!
I ran like 97% of it
last week I did it in 44mins
this week I did it in 34mins!!!
I took 10 mins off last week's time!
I couldnt believe how well I was doing
I just kept going really all the way by myself and found enough energy to sprint the last 100m
I didnt feel dead ether, I wasnt dripping in sweat
I was really surprised. 

Running is really good for me at the moment as I tune the world out
I really do tune off
and thats good for me whilst i cont control my mile a minute thoughts
Im removed from pain since my illnesses, I quite literally dont feel pain that much
pain that i know would hurt others doesnt do a lot for me
so when my body is hurting or tiring or having running pains i just block it out
something i know i could never do before and during my illnesses
something has changed in the brain

so yeah achievement today! 
I slept pretty decently too last night
I felt a bit rough this morning and wondered how Id do with the park run
as i was tired just walking up and down stairs XD

At the park run I managed to call mum's crew a bunch of geeks
the top runner of the group asked if i wanted to run with him i said "nah its cool wouldnt want to show you up" i could hear mum saying "shes not my daughter" XD I have untactful mouth

We got home and we bathed the guineas as they felt grimy 
the bath water afterwards was not pretty...
I had a shower and my first brew of the day
i sat on my laptop for a bit then made a salad for lunch
i read on my bed but dropped off to sleep for an hour
i was pretty tired 

I got up and had a brew
mum and dad went out so i hoovered my car, polished the inside and washed the outside
good job done i wanted to get done today 
Later me and mum popped to TK MAXX as I wanted a canvas
i felt the need to paint and theyre local and I know they always have quality canvases reduced
i managed to pick up one bigger than A3 for £1...£1!!
but it had a scratch down it but i think ive covered it, i will check when the paint has dried 

I made myself pasta for dinner and now ive got stomach ache whilst doing my diary
i want to do my nails tonight
its sodding bank holiday this weekend
so everywhere is gonna be full of happy families 
and i hate dealing with busy places full of parents with bratty kids
so Im not sure what I will do tomorrow
im sure adam will want to see me at some point so i'll have that to contend with XD
im thinking of going down to the range and hobby craft as my acrylic paints are pants and going off too, maybe i should invest in something new i certainly need some gold paint for this master piece

 I brought this night cream i am yet to try for £3.50
bargain!
I hope I can walk tomorrow XD