Went to the farm

Evening~

I keep waking so damn early -_____-
im tired cus of that and cus of my medication
so tired

So my morning took a lot of effort
i had worn these new shoes on a walk with adam yesterday
the same shoes that gave me blisters the other week
and i could tell yesterday they were making my feet walk on the inside arches
this morning my god the joints in my knee caps hurt!
to walk up and downstairs hurt!!!
so i decided that a run was out the question 
I cleaned my pets out and then did some dancing really
didnt do a lot of dancing as i was just shattered 

me and mum went to the farm to go check out volunteering
its a very small farm and theres next to no where to park round there
we spoke to a woman about volunteering there
she says theres always work there and to fill out a form and ring some guy up
i could pick and area id want to work but there would be no guarantee that id get that area
seemed ok but most im willing to do is a morning a week so far as it doesnt look
overly exciting and im worried about how my germ thing is gonna work
cus walking away from there made me want to wash my hands and i didnt touch anything

we came home and i went to bed
sod it
i was that drained of life i had to sleep
i woke up to find the hair dresser was here early for mum
i struggled to get any lunch cus they take up the whole god damn kitchen
what more was that she always blocks my car in
always
so shes there dying my mums hair and i cant get out
she said "take my keys move it" no way freakin way
shes got a brand new car like this year new 
i wasnt touching that
so i waited
and i waited
45mins in total i waited until luckily my dad came home and moved
my mums car off the drive way so i could get round the hairdressers car
he had ago at me of course he did, a day doesnt go by he has to have a go at me
but if it makes his day better so be it
i got to adams in such a mood
dangerous mood id say
i was prepared to rip heads off i literally was
i could feel my blood boiling 
i told him i was annoyed but i was so annoyed i didnt want to speak
he cuddled me on his bed and after a bit of time passed i could release the mood
and it did pass eventually and i could tell him what got me in such a state
stupid isnt it
in the grand scheme of things what had happened wasnt very big at all but thats the way
my mentalness takes me sometimes, no logic in it

we had a brew and we talked trainers with his dad as he dad used to run loads 
when he was younger and he still runs now just nothing like he used to
so he was educating me on trainers 
then we went to play crash bandicoot we got another section done and i did 2 levels!
i didnt want to come home really

my brother comes home tonight!
i probably wont see him by time he gets in as hes a bit late getting in
and his plane was delayed by an hour
so i will see him tomorrow
or unless he makes loads of noise coming in i might get up

tomorrow
im unsure as of yet what to do tomorrow 
not sure if i will run yet im hoping so and i think ive got yoga if karen is back
she technically should be back now
im thinking of maybe going city centre too cus i need joggers and trainers for running
not ideal shopping but im struggling now

not sure what to do tonight
whether to run or dance or paint  

Few things to try

Evening

Once again Im different again today
I differ within the day and differ day to day
its exhausting 
but i suppose i aught to be grateful that im a bit better today
not perfect but things have been better

I woke up at 7am and knew I couldnt go for a run
as I had karen this morning
so I sat and drew a design on one canvas and i did a few bits round the house
then I set off for Karen's house

It was good to see her
she wanted to know all thats going on with me and i felt i had to tell her
i didnt really want to talk about it as i hate talking about me and my illnesses
she was sad that i didnt have more positive news to tell her
we talked about various things and then I set off for home
saw mum for half hour whilst i ate lunch then she set off for karens
funny how we both had an appt the same day XD

i decided that i would go pick adam up from work
i wasnt doing much else and it would mean me being by myself for a while
so thats what i did i wasnt in the house long after id been karens
i met adam and he was happy id come to pick him up
he smelt like a chip as he'd been working on the snack bar
i took him straight home so he could shower it off

we sat and had a brew but i noticed adam wasnt that talkative 
then we said we'd  pop out to the shops cus adam needed some bits
im always taxi you know
i think he no longer wants to drive, well i get that impression
wish he'd never told me that he'd do his driving test
feel its let me down
so anyway we went round shops then i thought about going back to his but i could not face going back there, sitting on the sofa with his dad watching Tour de France
i cant bare any more time of that
so i took us to my house

we sat and had a drink then went for a walk i let adam play pokemon go
just cus i thought it might cheer him up and it did
he barely spoke when me and mum were talking
he's not big on joining in conversations but it was like even more so today
im always doing the talking for us both 

then i took him home after our walk really
then i sat round reading before dinner
i was hungry but id only eaten a bowl of cereal all day and some biscuits
not a fan of food lately and my brain keeps telling me i weigh 10x what i do
its getting drilled in nicely how fat i am

then tonight i was just talking to mum on her bed
i told her that id researched the buddist Temple her friend told me to look at 
theres an afternoon drop in friday afternoon im thinking of attending to 
she told me to give it a go
and karen had said to both me and mum that i should try volunteering down
at Stone Bridge City Farm
its a city farm and its free and run by volunteers most of which have some form of disability and or mental illness and i could choose where i help out and when
so i believe me and mum are gonna try get down there tomorrow and ask out
ive been before when i was really sick, mum would take me there to get me out the house not that i was well enough to volunteer back then, but at least i know what the place looks like

so i feel i have a couple things to try, its more than what ive had up to now

tomorrow im going to the farm in the morning then i hope to see adam in the afternoon
not sure what i will do exercise wise 
if i wake up early enough i will run if not i will dance whilst my mum pops out shopping
we shall see, ive missed it today but glad i at least did a walk 

my nails this week, tried a bubble effect using acrylic paint

Things just arent good

I've had a crummy day
just dont even want to write it up
really wanted to self harm and die today
its not me i know its not
but im really not happy with life
and unsure of what would make me happy
and unsure of what i need to do to make myself happy
once again its put on me to fix things, theres never any help out there
its finding the strength to keep going
i know im a burden to everyone around me
if i dwell on it i do just want to top myself
im fed up of this boring existence
life doesnt seem worth participating in
what can i do to change that view?
what can i do to be happy?
what can do to not have mental health issues?
fed up

Meeting Adam's Family

Evening~~

Yup just as I figured I didnt get any time to update yesterday!

So yesterday
I was awake from 5am and didnt sleep til 2am this morning
long day or what!
So from 5am I kinda tried to dose til I knew I had to get up for park run 
I was up at 7am, had breakfast, did 15mins of yoga, cleaned girls out
was out the house for 8:20am
Park run was hooooootttttt very hot
I was a puddle at the end of it, very pink faced and I usually dont get that hot
I did 30:45 which isnt a PB but still good considering the damn heat
mum did 39mins which was a PB for her!

We came back and showered and I got stuff ready for the evening so I wouldnt
have too much to come back and do later
my stomach felt majorly off like it was rotting from the inside out
i put it down to medication 
After lunch I went to adams
I did his mum's nails and we played crash I did 3 whole levels! i was on it!
cant remember much else we did, i know he wanted to go for ice cream but i didnt want to
id had cake that morning so i was alright on the sugar front XD


I came home to get ready

didnt take me too long and i was able to see Oz and have a little time to myself 
i think i looked alright, i felt kinda comfortable and besides it was so damn hot
that i would have sweated buckets if i had covered up
so i had on a dress that was just on my knee caps, no tights (yes my bare legs!) and nothing on my arms (yes bare arms too!)
i said my goodbyes to mum and Oz and went to adams

he answered the door not at all ready nether was his dad
surprise surprise there we were leaving in 20mins
whats he been doing that last 2 hours!?
adams dad was like "alright Jo? oh shes got legs!"
i dont show flesh i really dont, adam ran his hands down my arms from my shoulders to my hands
i said "dont pay attention otherwise my armour goes straight back on! jumper and joggers!!"
he laughed and said his mum was getting ready
she looked really nice in her dress and i cant remember the last time i saw her with make up on ether actually, so it was nice for me to see how different she can look
we set off for the city centre once the boys decided that they too needed to change

we got to the casino, i could see the actual casino through 2 doors, we walked up to the desk requesting the party floor. and all we got was
"have you got any ID?"
my heart fell to the floor
my ID was in my purse and adams house...
i said "you are joking me"
he said "sorry its 'Challenge 21'" 
Adams dad was killing himself
i said "im 26!" 
makes no odds once the challenge is in effect, if i dont provide ID i dont get in
im sure i look 21
and besides youve only got to be 18 to get into a casino, im 8 years over that!!!
it was crazy
so they rang for the manager
the manager came and said he''d call for adams aunt whos party it was (and casino regular)
so there I was anxiously waiting for a woman to come down stairs who has never met before and got to vouch for my age for me or I had to go home and get my ID
she came down and wasnt phased in the slightest and said to let us all in
so i was through the doors

the venue was a function room above the casino floor
not a swanky place as one may think
but certainly loud
jesus was it loud, im not used to that noise level and i work in schools 
adams dad got us a table, near a speaker i might add
i couldnt hear a damn thing anyone said
and i was expected to make conversation with relatives i had no idea who they were, i was introduced but theres tonnes! and i cant remember everyone or bothered really
found out that a relative of adams mum's who is 20 wasnt ID''d at the door -___-
adams dad was in hysterics 

i spoke to some people and my personality soon came strongly across them
i thought "dont give a crap i'll never meet them again"
no one took me the wrong way and i made plenty laugh
there was one relative who was like 40 something
absolutely amazing woman she was crazy like child like crazy and on my level
its RARE i find a kindred spirit, we childlike spirits are far and few between
so i danced with her but she took a liking to me and wouldnt leave me
it was like a play date but it was nice to have fun with people

so i met with the aunt who's birthday it was she sat and told us
"ive got musical chairs, musical statues, and pass the parcel"
i shouted "really!?" she said "thats the reaction i wanted!" 
she said "we never got parties as children so at 50 i wanted a children's party"
i thought 'fair enough and its my level this'
then she said "ive booked a drag queen too"
i couldnt swallow, we're getting a tranny in?
ive never been in the presence of a man dressed as a woman before

so anyway we were dancing and adam and his family went to the buffet
i had 5 biscuits from it as there was nothing there i would eat 
so i left it all and went without but i havent really wanted food lately
then the DJ announced the drag queen 
and there he/she was on stage
incredibly strange at first
cus theres a bloke with more make up on than ive ever worn at one time
and showing more skin than ive ever done in my life
he was in a long white wavy wig, leopard print dress which was skin tight with a slit all the way to the hips on the front of one leg, cream stiletto heels 
he sang 3 songs (not all at once) and was quite open with sexual stuff
not my kinda thing but live and let live
he kinda did all the games

the games
we had musical statues first me and adams mum got up and played
there was about 20 of us and adam's mum won!
then it pass the parcel and i stood next to adams mum and the music went off and i passed it to her as we were in mid-pass so i let her have it. 
glad i did...
kinky handcuffs fell out...
we were both laughing 
adam and his dad were killing themselves
the music went on and in the end i got the ending prize, bottle of vodka! which ive put on my brother's desk for when he comes home
then musical chairs
after about 4 or 5 chairs were removed i removed myself from the game
as children you weigh less and arent as heavy and strong
as adults, fully grown, over weight and drinking, its crippling
i didnt want to break anything as it was getting to phyical
and i hated being next to so many drunk people 

then we stayed a little longer til we decided to come away
we got back to adams house at 11:30pm 
i was wired 
no way was i about to sleep
but if i had my total wish it was going home, showering, my own bed
but instead i had to not shower, stay at adams
so i got ready for bed and crawled up in to a ball
after adam had finished with his phone messing he came to me
but he stunk of that casino, he was sweaty and dirty and didnt want him near me
i pushed him away and stuff and i think he got the hint
i sat there dwelling on a 100 thoughts and he fell to sleep
i grabbed my pillow and grabbed a blanket and went to sleep downstairs 
on the sofa, alone. not with my boyfriend
i couldnt sleep there, no room and my thoughts were annoying me
it was gone 2am by time i had fallen asleep and id been awake since 5am

i woke up at 6:30am this morning
safe to say i was shattered
i waited til 7:30am til adams dad came downstairs then i went upstairs and started to get dressed whilst adam was asleep
i came down and drank the brew his dad had made me
then i went up to adam he was half awake and i told him i was going home for breakfast and a shower he said i could have it all here but i needed to go home nothing would have been right for me
he went to cuddle me and i bared it for a lil while but in the end i got up and left cus i didnt like the feel of any of it or the smell

i have to embarrassingly admit ive had another 'issue' going off for the last week
im being tuned into germs, smells, dirt
i suppose its all on the same obsessive spectrum as weight and stuff cus me and food has been bad as well, but im struggling with germs
im showering a lot, washing my hands, the way my skin feels, what my skin touches, what my hands have to touch, what i smell like, other bad smells not wanting to be near them.
seems crazy but struggling
and i told adam about it today as i kept pushing him away as i didnt like the feel of his face on mine, the way his smell would make me smell of him (something i used to like) cus it all looked to him like i didnt want him and that i was pushing HIM away and not the other things that were actually bothering me, i feel so messed up.

i came home and showered straight away and sorted my stuff out and had breakfast, left over cake and sat talking to my mum about everything id been through
then i laid on her bed with bad stomach ache and exhaustion 
i went back to adams for 12 as he wanted to take me out for lunch, i didnt want to do this but knew i have to give in to his wants sometimes
we walked up to a cafe and had to wait over 30mins for food when they werent that busy
i ordered pizza cus i didnt want anything and adam said he'd help eat anything i couldnt eat
food came and i ate 2 slices and didnt want anymore or shall i say
i would have eaten the whole damn thing it was that freaking good
by anorexic thoughts told me to stop eating and adam asked me to eat another slice
but i found it a real hard ask as my brain was saying not to 
i did tho i did eat it
and only me had to deal with the ear ache my brain provides 
we left for home

we talked about stuff on his bed 
i told him about germs, dirt and food 
and i told him i feel worried about the day he loses patience with me as i keep pushing him away and one day he will get mad at me and ill be scared. he told me that he wont lose patience with me that he loves me too much for that to happen and if he ever happens to get mad that he'll talk it out instead of getting horrible about it all. 
he said to me about my weight that im fine and gorgeous and that i expect a lot of myself.
he said try to look at smaller things in your day what youve achieved not going for massive things and trying to be the best all the time. 
something in my head just snapped
that was the same crap that the M.E. clinic fed me when i was 18 and i had to attend those horrid sessions to learn to cope with my condition. 
"its about pacing, doing things in small chunks not trying to go at 100mph"
i felt sick, everything from that time period came flooding back
i started to cry
thoughts came to me like
"where have i been all these years?"
"how did i get through that?"
"why was i put through it all?"
"why did i become sick?"
all i wanted was mum because mum understood it all
i just wanted to cry to mum 
but instead i was with adam who wasnt around during that period
he asked what was up
but i couldnt bare to say as i knew id be a blubbering mess
as it all felt so messy in my head and i could deep down somewhere was hurting

after all that passed we went out with him mum to mini golf
out in the open 28c heat no shade
i was sweating but enjoyed it
and had a drink afterwards then we went home
i sat at his for a lil while then went home
and since havent done much but caught up online and showered
again

tomorrow im going to dance in the morning
then ether make pumpkin soup with the pumpkin adams dad gave me today or if we dont have ingredients i shall do some more job patrolling 
dancing i might record one or atleast improve a couple 

Pokemon Engagement card

Evening~

Guess who was lucky enough to wake up at 3:45am this morning?
I cant bare this crap
i didnt fall asleep again til gone 5am
in the end i refused to get up til 9am
i wasnt going for a run so who did i have to please

I waited til I had the house to myself then i grabbed my ipod
and my speaker and just blasted out 4 dances and went for a shower
mum came home and I was ready to go out
luckily i just remembered to take my medication before we left
so that was at 11am 
ive worked out it takes 3 hours for me to start feeling side effects

we got to a country park and began our walk round
it happened to start raining, we havent seen rain in weeks
seems weird that we havent as it always rains here
it wasnt full on throwing it down but raining none the less
so i carried an umbrella round and i enjoyed the walk
we arrived at the ice cream place i told mum about
and the reason we were here
i had toffee fudge ice cream which was bloody amazing, toffee ice cream with actual fudge in it
mum had what i had last time which was white choc chip
both were amazing

we went back to the car and drove home for lunch
and i wasnt feeling too bad at this point but i could feel the side effects starting
so i decided to have lunch quickly
i joined mum with beans on toast
after lunch i went to mia's parents house and saw her for a bit of a catch up and drawing
i havent been over to her parents house since she moved out in september
so i was able to see a few changes, main one her ex-bedroom XD

we sat and talked then she said how the other day she had put on Buono! dances to see what she could and couldnt remember she told me to get up with her and dance with her, i was surprised how much i could remember all these years later! i dont practice those dances anymore
she showed me on her phone a K-Pop dance she really wanted to learn and it looked difficult but hey im all for it, i told her so. I showed her Lagrima by Onepixcel im currently learning and she said she'd like to learn it with me.
I told her when ever she feels like dances to just let me know cus i dance regularly
she says shes lost her touch but she'll get it back shes a much better dancer than me

we sat down to draw and i got a bit further with my picture
made me actually work XD
then i left around 5, feeling quite sick from medication 
she gave me a lift home as she was on her way back to her house
she showed me photos of her bathroom and its really coming along
hopefully i can see it next week

this evening ive caught up online
and i havent done much else its 7:30pm
im about to shower and do my nails and hit the sack

tomorrow
tomorrow is adam's aunt's 50th birthday party at some Casino in the city centre
so i have quite the day tomorrow
i have never met any family members of his 
so it will be a new thing for me
kinda wanting to go kinda not
never been in a casino ether

so in the morning im going park run with mum
coming home and showering and stuff then maybe going to bed
then im going adam's to do his mums nails for the party and to see adam
then im coming back home to get ready myself then going back to his house
going to the party which starts at 7pm
coming back to his house and sleeping over which i didnt want to do but his mum insisted, so i kinda have to give in to that one
so not sure if my diary will get done tomorrow

card i made for tara's and james's engagement  

No7 Makeup

Evening~

Been awake since 5:30am
I did try to go back to sleep as I knew I wasnt going for a run
but at 7am my dad broke a glass out the dishwasher and I couldnt
even think of sleeping after that as all I could think about in bed was
"was that my rabbit china mug?"
not "has he cut himself" far from it XD

In the morning I waited round til 9:15am for the house to be free
then I danced for 45 mins til I was well and truly sweaty and exhausted 
I had to peel the clothes off me for a shower XD
After my shower I started an massive application form for 1 job
its soul destroying isnt it that you apply to all these jobs and you spend all those hours
doing the forms and looking for jobs
to hear absolutely nothing
i couldnt be bothered to do any more on it
besides my medication had kicked in and i couldnt think for squat 

mum made me lunch just as adam came over 
i didnt want it if im honest but i tried and ate half but left the rest
just felt like being sick, like as soon as i go to bite i get loads of
saliva in my mouth its horrid 

we went out to a town 
i had a brew in a cafe whereas adam had something to eat
i didnt want anything
we went round charity shops, i felt so unclean for some reason being round them
i couldnt wait to leave them, this time of year they do honk tho
i picked up brand new stretchy velvet leggings for £4
perfect for the winter i was well happy
then I picked up this eye shadow set for £1.99

No7! for £1.99! had to be had cus this set would probably cost me at least £10 more in shops
so I thought id have ago as I have never tried green before or No7
mum was impressed and wants to try them

We went back to adams house
sat with his dad a bit then went upstairs we didnt do much but i was happy to have his company then about 4:30pm the thoughts kicked in over drive, like trying to hold up a dam but being completely washed away. I had thoughts about hurting adam, what food ive eaten, how dirty i was, the clothes sticking to me. I needed to wash I needed out of my clothes, i needed a clear mind
so at 5pm I said I would go home

I came home and said to mum i just needed leaving to my own devices for a while
so i had a shower and got my pajamas on and i did feel semi better
i ate all my dinner too so i think im doing better 

tomorrow i think im seeing mia at some point
might start some painting or finish that damn form
might go for a run in the morning
everything is uncertain and just see how i feel tomorrow



I almost had another episode today, caught myself just in time
3 times in one week
im on day 9 of my medication

Got my kimono

Konbanwa~~

I've been awake since 5am
I am shattered!!!
Sick of this crap
I went for a run at 7:15am
how i have the discipline to keep going for runs at the crack of dawn
i'll never know

I got back and showered
the run was a hard ask
when I get home I've been taking my medication then
and when I came in I just looked at it with utter loathing 
hate it
what goods it doing?
I took it, day 6 I believe or is it a week now? i'll have to count

I got into my room and changed my bed
then I had a big clean of my room as I knew I needed to tackle it
id done everything by like 10:30am
adam hadn't even woke up!

My brother left for greece around 11am
well mum took him to his friends how who hes going with 
and he called us just now at 7:30pm to say he's got to his hotel and he's tired
glad hes got there and he's safe 
been thinking about him
im ok without him at the moment as sometimes i dont see him all day
but i know come day two or day three i will start to miss him
i cant imagine living apart from him
im quite attached to my brother
so i know im gonna find this week hard
especially the way i am at the moment

I went and applied to two summer jobs cus thought its worth a shot
and then i had lunch with mum, i couldnt eat all mine
when id finished, my Kimono came in the post!! so fast! 
i havent tried it on yet, it needed a serious iron which mum has kindly done for me
then after the excitement i went to adams

we sat talking with his dad
then went to play Crash, i wasnt feeling it but i felt al over the place today
couldnt control my thoughts at all, zero control what so ever
after a few attempts of us dying we gave in
then he came cuddled me

he then said if i wanted to go for cake or ice cream
i turned down both but said he could if he wanted to
i felt like throwing up and i couldnt be doing with the mental aftermath for something i wasnt going to fully enjoy so we just went round a few shops
he ended up buying me a house plant
i told him not to as i didnt need another one as i have the rose one from last time
god knows how its still living!
then we went back to his house and eventually i reluctantly went home

i ate my left over lunch and my dinner
and since ive had awful stomach pains 
sick of this crap
if i was normal and mentally well i wouldnt need any medication

ive decided id like to have ago painting these 4 small canvases i have
so i might start that tomorrow maybe
tomorrow adam said he'll come see me after work
so at least i have company as i'll be home alone

My nails this week

I had another episode today
thats 2 in one week and i havent had any in ages
i start medication and bam 2 in one week
i have little control over my thoughts and over other things it would seem