9th session

Evening~

Well I didnt sleep til 2am
just couldnt sleep and was achy so i dosed myself up well over dosed really
and made myself feel quite sick!
I woke up at 7:45am by 8:05am I was running up a big hill
i kid you not, Id only been awake 20 mins and i went for my morning run
talk about shock to the system but i got it done cus im just that motivated!
I got back for 8:30 so I made good time, showered, breakfast and then
straight out to psychology

psychology was at 9:30am
I wasnt looking forward to going
i was a bit anxious about this 'review' session we were gonna have
as i didnt feel ready to be discharged
and i told him my concerns about this and he said that we would have appointments
still but theyd be far apart and i can always return if i need to
so i felt reassured about that
i told him about my decision to live with 'my other half'' shall we say
the whole thing of taking anti-psychotics which made me by myself in my head
scared me and panicked me
when ive had a voice and a presence in my mind for over a decade to suddenly have it
gone wasnt nice and wasnt how i expected it to be
at the start of my psychology sessions i decided i wanted my other half gone, dead.
But ive changed my mind,  ive seen the bigger picture and that this is a part of who i am. 
I have accepted that i will have this other 'being' with me
and now i want to learn to live with it basically
i do not want to be at war with one another
i want to co-exist 
so thats what i told the psychologist this morning
thats where im going with it
he was impressed with this acceptance and said its a massive step
there will be bumps in the road but i will continue to improve 
since my 'acceptance' things have been more bearable in my head
almost like that aggression has gone as im not longer trying to get rid of her

i came home and mum made me a brew
she said i looked the happiest i think ive ever been after psychology
i told her it was because i dont have to go back til end of september XD
that was my 9th session
i did see a sign on his office wall about a group that meets up every 3rd wednesday of the month to talk about hearing voices and my condition Dissociative Identity Disorder was listed 
i plan to ring up and get information about it, looked for it on google maps and it doesnt look like it exists which i found weird but we can see

I did some sewing and I got 2 more kimonos done
so thats 14 done 10 to go~

me and mum went to shops i just got a pair of tights nothing exciting
we did for mum to try and find her a swim suit but no luck
so we're gonna try next friday~
i came home and went on my laptop for a bit
but i soon get bored of laptop if im honest
i did upload my Yosakoi dancing! Its out there XD
so far ive had nice comments
still a little unsure whether to show my family and friends on facebook tho 0.0
daunting task that is! 
even nervous about showing mum! 
silly really as its only a dance, and whilst i know im not brilliant i know im not terrible XD

i sat and did over an hour of cross stitching 
in the quiet tuning off from it all
my head was a mess and i was tempted to sleep but knew if i did that then i really wouldnt sleep tonight so i was disciplined and sat quietly 
i was pleased with my effort
its hard for me to sit still for so long!

tonight i've got adam to pick up from work at 10:30pm
he says i dont have to but i will
he has to walk through a rough part of town otherwise and id only be worrying about him getting home without being stabbed or mugged not that he's helpless but hes not superman ether
so im gonna get it done
go to bed
then park run in the morning!
i highly highly doubt i will be beating last weeks awesome record of 27mins
i am NOT trying to beat it im simply turning up and enjoying it
well hope i enjoy it!
then probably sew or something rest of the day or do digital work that i havent touched today 

Sticking to my guns and 12 more to go

Evening~~

I didnt sleep til 1am
just couldnt tune out
I woke up at 7am
groaning as I was tired and could not be arsed to start the day but
i got up any how
mum wasnt gonna go for a run and i really wasnt feeling it
so  i had a slow morning and danced at around 9:15am
I didnt dance for too long as I just didnt have the energy but I made an attempt
showered and watched my brother empty the contents of his
room for his new bed
hes moving from a single to double moaning he hasnt got enough room
i sleep on half a single XD i have a single bed but half is taken up by toys
and i dont move them and they dont move ether 
everyone wonders how i fit on my bed XD

I went and did some digital work as I need to do something
for adams birthday next month /:
i made a start but got bored as I havent been into digital work for a while
I will keep going with it when I can
then i cracked out the sewing
Ive got a total of 12 kimonos done
I laid out all the kimonos and the t-shirt to see where I was at with it all
i believe I need a total of 24 kimonos so I am half way
I only have to cut out another 4 kimonos so at least its not too much more cutting
but a fair bit of sewing yet to do
then ive got borders to do! so much work! but i enjoy it

I made pumpkin soup using hand grown veg from adams dad
so that was nice to have for lunch and mum appreciated coming in from work
and being able to have fresh lunch~
adam had rang me whilst making it but my phone was upstairs so i missed the call
he left me a text saying "gonna go home now" he means from work
and im guessing he was expecting me to cave and say "oh no you come over!"
but fat chance, he can go home and do nothing all day
which is exactly what he has done!
he does nothing
to be honest ive been thinking long and hard about my relationship with him
as im not sure its gonna work if it continues
he does nothing and  his lack of motivation to live his life is holding me back
so i think words have got to be said
thinking of doing it sunday
this isnt me getting rid of him this is me stating that im basically not happy
with watching life pass me by whilst being with someone im finding quite dull lately
too comfortable with life and i sometimes wonder if he is autistic 
so i stuck to my guns and didnt see him
deliberately breaking up his usual thursday routine 
life is too much of a routine for him


I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon
i felt tired and achy from sewing and exercise
plus my head was going through a 1000 scenarios with adam
i needed out, i needed a break so i fell asleep and didnt want to wake up
but i got up and continued on

we had yoga with karen
luckily it wasnt hot today so we didnt sweat too badly but it was still warm
and humid in her room with no windows or doors open
we came back and just in time too as it threw it down so we got the girls and oz in
Oz has been out all day and i think its because its cool hes made the most of it
by sleeping in the shed on an old yoga mat would you believe
life of some bunnies

tomorrow i might get up and do a run
i will see
dont like running the day before park run
but i doubt it will be a good park run anyway as i have the job of picking
adam up from work at 10::30pm so im gonna be tired
i have psychology at 9:30am so if i do do a run i gotta dab in and get it done
i will upload my yosakoi video too at some point
still not shown mum it id like to know her opinion before  i share it with my
friends on facebook
probably just sew and maybe go out with mum maybe tomorrow
id love to learn Onepixcel's "Sparkle" and "Be With You"
both dances and song im really into

Bad night of driving and twice ive come home early

Evening~

Well last night going to tara's was a royal disaster
I went and got 5mins from her house to find the main road closed
i had no satnav and no one with me
i was forced to take A roads
i had no idea where i was, where i was going 
and i just want to come home
i was scared
i am not a confident driver. i dont drive far and im scared of getting lost
honestly being lost scares the crap out of me
its happened too many times and each time i about have a panic attack
behind the wheel which isnt safe
somehow i always manage to find myself back
if im honest i do have a great sense of direction whether on foot or by car
i can just do it and find my way back
if i panic then it goes to pot
i found my way home through my tears and shaking arms and hands

i pulled up and got out the car and i couldnt speak i was so shaken
mum hugged me and was shocked at how badly i was shaking
panic attacks do that
stupid really
very stupid
but we all have things we dont cope with
technically i knew i would never actually be lost as i had my phone on me and i know that has google maps but if im honest ive never used it. usually i have satnav or someone with me who uses google maps for me.so last night my brother showed me the app for next time im lost
i texted tara she apologised for not letting me know the main road was closed and we'd meet at the pub another time. I just dont know that end of town
all night i was sunk inside myself. drained. i couldnt be doing with anything or anyone

i went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 7am 
me and mum went for run and we both said after how tight our chests were
so i think the air must have been dusty it was very windy today
but i managed it and had a shower and breakfast afterwards

i went shops with mum 
we went all over really
i got a few bits to make some crafty presents with 
then i came home and had lunch
cut some fabric out and i got it all cut out actually
just blasted on through it and got it done

adam texted me last night he said he felt bad about the day how he practically sent me home and was no fun. i told him he was fine. but he says i was off with him giving 1 word answers but i just wasnt in the mood to text and talk. 
today he said i could come over if i wanted to
he'd been doctors and for a hair cut he didnt bother going gym this week
so he''d done nothing all day
i went over around 2:30pm
we did nothing
not a thing
i know i wasnt perfect with how i was mentally as ive been in a bubble since last night
but he really wasnt talkative or anything
so at 4pm i got up and i left so thats twice ive come home early from him
he texted saying he was sorry i told him he had nothing to apologise for and if hes tired he should have told me and not seen me. i told him not to see me tomorrow after work id see him on sunday as i want him to have a break. he says he has a break friday and saturday well he works 9am - 11pm friday and saturday i dont call that a break.  he works til 12pm on thursdays so he can have the rest of the day to himself and depending on how we both feel depends on if i see him sunday.

i went through my newly cut fabric and arranged which colours go where
so theyre ready to be sewn now, then that will take me up to 20
i brought the backing blanket today which is white with multi coloured polka dots on
not that you'll see it as it will be the back of the wall hanging

tomorrow i will go for a run as i think mum is wanting to run im not sure
then do some sewing and we have karen with her mental yoga session in the evening

my nails this week~ 

Got 10 done! + Yosakoi dancing

Evening/Afternoon

it's ony 5pm but because Im unsure of what Im doing
tonight I thought I'd get my diary done now~

I could not sleep!
so hot
too hot
and too wired
i was up til 1am
woke up at 7:45am
but I said to my self I wasnt gonna run today

I had my breakfast and I got my kimono on and did a bit of hair and make up
and I walked to a local park that is ALWAYS deserted
I noticed the gate to the actual park had a lock on it? didnt understand that
so I climbed over as the gate only comes to my waist
I set up my camera and had a few attempts at recording my yosakoi dancing
took a few attempts before I was happy with my dancing
took me a while to calm down i was quite nervous, stupid really
but eventually i stopped caring and paid no attention to those walking round the park
and got the job done
i was dripping afterwards!

i came home and got changed into my work out wear
and did a little bit of dancing but my body was shaking so i called it quits 
and went for a shower
i sat and did some sewing and got the first 10 finished!

they look really good :D
i then looked at my Yosakoi video, and I felt ok about it. 
My problem is that everyone i know wants to see my yosakoi dancing as no one has a clue what it really is so id like to show everyone but theres no point in uploading something i will live to regret but i think i could possibly show my friends this. Im yet to show mum she said she would like to see it and i want her opinion before i share it to my friends
most friends have no idea i do youtube dances, some know but dont know my channel
i live a secret life!
so most havent seen me dance
not that im any good at it!
the dance i have recorded today will be on my youtube channel on friday~

i had leftover noodles for lunch which were good
then i quickly left to go collect adam from work
i didnt have to but i chose to
its hot and i felt sorry for him XD
i too him home and said i didnt have to come in
he hesitated and said that i should come in for a brew
i did and a couple of times he said "you can go home at any time"
he never says that to me
so hint taken i got off the floor and said id leave
he tried to grab me but i walked off and put my shoes on
his dad asked why i was leaving so quickly i said "cus adam is tired"
i just got the feeling he didnt want me there
so i went
no skin off my back as i wasnt doing anything and wanted to go home
and cut some fabric which is exactly what i did go and do
starting to cut the next 10 kimonos out

tonight im SUPPOSE to be seeing tara
but shes notorious for messing me around so i basically dont hold my breath now
so i may or may not end up going over to her house basically 
id like to see her as i havent seen her in months
and shes engaged now too! 

tomorrow i said to mum we might go out to the shops as i need a canvas to make adam something and i might look at other stuff. then maybe see adam who knows
but i know me and mum are going for a run in the morning, not that i run with her but shes still driving me down the road~

Big Mimikyu Plushie~~

Konbanwa~~

I never went on my laptop yesterday ><
anyway so yesterday I woke up and went for a run
I can feel it does get easier with time
I came back showered and had breakfast
did some sewing then had lunch and went to see adam
it was so damn hot and humid yesterday that we didnt do anything
i wasnt getting annoyed at the lack of productivity i was just happy
having some company really
and it felt like it was my birthday yesterday
adams mum gave me 4 Barry M nail varnish is very cute colours
adam had brought me a SLAB of chocolate cake from a cafe
it was so damn good and unexpected, i felt quite sick after it but enjoyed it
and he'd also brought me this...

Big Mimikyu plushie!!!
I've been saying for some months Id like to own a big mimikyu
i didnt see a big one at convention just small ones
adam has brought me a small one in the past this one is a beefy one
hes a big one and thats what i was after 
its an official pokemon product too
i was well happy so he now lives on my bed <3
i told adam he really doesnt need to buy me stuff im not that kind of person
and i never ever ask him to buy me anything
i wouldnt do that
he says he likes to do these things
but what can i do in return? he doesnt have these interests i do
its hard to do something back /:

we floated between his room and the living room
i played okami the first time in weeks
and i did his mum nails
also the first time in weeks i stayed for dinner
i kept turning them down for one reason or another
but i decided to stay this time and i enjoyed my time there
i came home to round Oz up from outside

I came home at 8:45pm
i was wired like really buzzing
my brother was trying to get through a Stongbow Keg by himself XD
so he was just as buzzing so i spent time with him
til i decided i would have 1 go going to sleep
and i actually did sleep! i really doubted i would

I woke up at 6am
didnt get up til 7am tho cus screw 6am
i reluctantly went for a run, my muscles ached a bit
but i extended the route a bit as im finding it easy
i came home showered and had breakfast
then mum dragged me out food shopping
we also went pets at home and tk maxx
and i can report that i FINALLY FINALLY have a pair of joggers with zip pockets i can use!! i was well happy it honestly. My pair are so knackered.
worth going anyway

I came home and i felt really tired
i think the heat, going to bed at 1am, waking early and endless exercise is wearing me down
so i quietly read on my bed, woke up as my kindle dropped out my hand and landed on my arm so i moved it and actually fell asleep for an hour!
couldnt believe i actually went! i wasnt trying to sleep but guess i was just done in

i got up and had lunch, did some sewing
did only 20 mins of dancing and i was dripping its so damn hot and humid
your wet at the littlest of movements
so i gave in and had a brew with mum
but i was determined to have another go at Beat Generation 
then did sewing, i got 3 more kimono blocks done today
so now i have a total of 8 and theyre looking good :D 

made myself rice noodles for dinner not had noodles in ages
no one in my family likes them so i eat them solo 
might do a bit of dancing tonight as ive found a live version of Lagrima and i can see more of the moves now so im gonna tweak my dancing 
if i dont sweat to death 

my neighbours have gone on holiday
so its bliss
2 weeks of quietness~~

tomorrow not sure what to do really
i am tempted to go record my yosakoi dancing outside somewhere
cus i feel im ready and i wanna share it with others
adam is working til 2pm i told him its up to him if he wants to see me or not
if not i will sew~
im not running tomorrow tho as my muscles need a rest so im gonna dance in the morning instead and mum says we'll go running wednesday so im gonna wait til then
dont feel it does me good to run everyday

Got 4 done! + new PB!

Evening

I was awake at 6:45am
like on auto-pilot for park run XD
I got up, got ready, cleaned pets out, did stretches
then went for 8:20am
I like seeing how much I can get done in an hour~

Well I tried hard, I was itching to go
i had adrenaline and everything
and just went for it, I said to myself
"if im not shaking and like jelly when I cross the finish i wont be satisfied ive worked hard enough"
So thats what happened when I crossed the line I was a shaking mess but quickly recovered much to my surprise.
I stood waiting for mum and I was staring at a guy
thinking "i swear I know that guy"
and I did
During my secondary school years I was good friends with him
it used to be me, adam, him and another boy who used to be together during our GSCE Design and Technology class
we had a lot of fun together
so I shouted "Guy!" and he turned round so I was right it was him ^^
we talked briefly, it was his first park run
said to me he was coming next week so Id see him then :D

I went home and had a much needed brew~
had a shower as i had sweated my body weight XD
I went to check my emails to see my park run time as I felt I had got under 30 mins
last time at a different park run I had done a new PB of 28:50
this week at my usual park run I had managed to do it in
27:46....is that for real!? I could not believe it!!!
when I first did it i did it in 34mins
this was my 8th park run, how am I improving so fast?
my parents think im crazy and pushing myself too hard
but if im fine for the rest of the day i dont see it as pushing myself
if i couldnt walk all day afterwards then yeah
but im fine and coping
i doubt very much i will beat that time for some time
 i was just feeling good today
then I went and did some sewing
I managed to get 2 more blocks done so I took a photo 
of them with the previous 2 and i think you can get more of an idea what its gonna look like

gonna look good i hope
after i had done 2 i felt my brain had reached its limit
granted i am getting quicker at them tho ^^

I was then left by myself for a short while
so i danced
yup even after everything ive done and the 5k record I did
i still had energy to dance
and it wasnt slow dancing ether XD
can tell im feeling better once again cus i actually have too much energy!
anyway i worked on a bit of Yosakoi and I worked on Beat Generation
seriously beat generation is INSANE!
that difficult chorus will be the death of me
i was sweating buckets trying to learn it
what i do when i have a hard part of a dance to learn 
i have ago as much as i can so the moves semi-stick in my head then i practice randomly that short part whenever i can, so when the kettle is boiling, waiting for something, anytime (privately of course) i do it slow because slow and accurate is best then it can sped up
so thats what im gonna be doing for a while, did it earlier today whilst making a brew XD

i then made a brew and sat reading, shut my eyes for 15mins cus i was tired but then i soon got up to do other crap, i am very happy right now as im listening to Suzuki Airi's album someone shared it on yotube and I love it
its a shame i will never be able to learn any of the dances but i like watching them. I like Tabun Ne

i sat and designed the 2 hoodies i brought from Manchester, ready to sew whenever i feel like it, no rush as theyre hoodies and not needed in this weather!
one is gonna be pink and cute, the other black and bat themed

dont know how i'll pass the rest of the day
its 7:30pm
i hate the evenings as i never know what to do as my brain is on shut down XD
might sort more crap on my ipod

tomorrow i believe im seeing adam
not sure what were doing tho as its suppose to be mega hot
and i hate going out pointlessly in the heat
i have my room to clean at some point too
ether tonight, tomorrow morning or monday

its adam's birthday next month
and i have no clue what to give to the guy
so i thought about making something
ive seen people melt crayons on canvases and it looks really cool so i might do that with a photo in the centre or something and maybe make him a pokemon plush

Kimono Quilt start~

Evening~~

My first words this morning were
"bloody karen"
god i hurt!!! shes mental that teacher!

It luckily didn't take me til the AM hours to fall asleep
adam had given me his shirt to sleep with too :)
made me want him tho cus it really had his scent strongly on it
and it aint no substitute damn it XD
I woke up at 7:45am

I got ready to go to the city centre with mummy
think we were out the house for 9:30
we did well actually 

We mooched round the city and didnt go in loads of shops
but we managed to get a load of stuff from Debenams 
honestly like brought 3 bags full
they had sales on and everything we brought was in the sales
its great when things are reduced to like £5 and they last from debenams as well
so I got 2 t-shirts, a t-shirt dress and a skirt :)
mum got a fair bit and she was pleased with her findings

cus we spent so much there the lady at the check out gave us a 20% off
voucher at the restaurant there so we decided to go there for lunch
i had soup mum had salad and we shared a cake
then we went home really
we were back home for 1pm 
so wasnt too bad really

I put clothes away and tidied up other stuff
then i went to make another patchwork square and i got another one done, quicker this time so now i have 2 squares using both background colours and i like how well they go together

Theyre so neat too! I'm glad I havent lost my neatness, I do have qualifications in patchwork afterall and i was one of the neatest in class ^^ glad i can still do it~
think I probably have between 20 and 30 to do in total + a border
so theres a lot of work to do~

after that i went on my laptop but not long as lets face it, its boring!
so I decided at 5pm I would do some dancing in this stupidly humid weather
danced for 20 mins as it was enough and i was dripping
then I showered and did some cross stitching

Ed had texted me yesterday asking if id like to meet up during his summer vacation which is this month, I told him id love to see him and he asked he could sleep over as he used to sleep over but i dont want him to, i cant be dealing with that right now and also I have adam now and it doesnt feel appropriate, even tho we wouldnt be sharing a bed or anything just the whole thing doesnt sit well with me so i told him it would be a day trip 
we'll see anyway, may not happen yet

hopefully seeing tara next week on 7th
maybe a games night with mia rob and adam on 11th
and ed on 15th
so i may have a few nice things to look forward to

tomorrow i've got park run in 18c heat which isnt too bad but bad enough
going with mum to the usual one, just get it done
i feel i have more energy and i dont ache as much but i can tell im not
totally alone in my head again
things have woken up ive found it quite hard to stop myself from being snappy and having a temper on me today but i cant bare to announce that im no longer alone
not ready to admit it yet
wish i knew others with split personality