Bunny Filter + Warm stuff for school

Evening

I couldnt sleep
just couldnt sleep
I was up til 1am
woke up at 7:15am and laid there for 15 mins but gave in and got up
i was tired
cleaned my pets out
felt weird not doing a park run

i went on my laptop before massage which was booked for 10am
got to the massage place for 9:55am
turns out I didnt have an appointment
i did it online and it hadnt worked...
so she said "would you like 11am?"
i agreed and went home
i was peeved so very peed off as i felt like i was wasting my day
so i rang up to see if i could make it an end of the day appointment
and the woman on phone said they had no people in to give massages...?
what? id just booked in tho 10 mins ago?
so i told her to just leave it

i danced to get the irritation out i felt towards the human race
then i went AGAIN to the massage place
and luckily the woman was waiting for me
she was no messing just got straight to it, im too used to karen who likes
a chat before we begin XD
the woman was lovely but yeah she talked and talked
id stopped listening really
it wasnt painful i thought it would hurt but didnt really
i could feel my knots tho i have to say
she was good and even ran over by a few mins too
i think id go again anyway, maybe before christmas or something

i came home and showered
then i got ready to go to the city centre

I realised i had a bunny filter on my phone today XD
so i was playing with that before i went off out

i got to the city centre easily enough
i had the aim of potentially picking up any xmas presents and then my main reason for going in the first place was to pick up warm clothing for school
so heres what i picked up
thermal socks, thermal gloves, thermal snood all of which are for school

a hoodie which big and baggy and cheap and will be used for school to keep me warm i think

fleece lined leggings i have several pairs already but dont have any patterned ones

a lip stick, and bunny xmas ornament for the xmas tree this year as if i ever come across any bunny ornaments i pick them up no messing

finally dog socks for mia, hedgehog socks for mum, oil for mum and candle for mum

so i was glad that i was able to pick up a few presents also
to be honest my xmas shopping is close to being finished
it helps having no friends and family i have to say
ive only really got a few more bits and pieces to finish off i think
i will get there with it all im sure

i sat in a cafe and had a hot chocolate which was good and warmed me
not to mention kept me from the rain outside
by time i went back out it had stopped raining
i caught the bus home after my shopping
i had got what i needed and i kept feeling panicky for some reason
but ive been unbalanced last week or so
but worse since ive had this job
im all over the place i mean mentally not physically XD
i rang mum on the bus home to say i was coming home and i feel a bit panicky
i knew i was ok tho

i came back and saw her for 5 mins before she headed out with dad
so i did a bit of dancing but if im honest i was exhausted so i didnt do it for long
just worn out but massage adds to that
plus the week ive had plus not sleeping 

food hasnt cut it for me today
not enjoying anything im putting in my mouth
so not eaten a great deal today
just dont wan food really
im 9stone i weighed myself this morning
so i have plenty of meat on me

i had another shower
i didnt want to but i felt dirty and i wanted my pajamas on
mum came home and i showed her what i had brought
then i put it all away then ive been on my laptop
ate my dinner which was good but just didnt satisfy me

ive found dances i want to learn
got so many to do but its having time and energy you know
i feel fed up a lot and dont want to go back on monday
dreading monday
cant stop thinking about school
but what good is it doing? its not helping or changing anything so why am i worrying over it?
im fed up of it all if im honest and feel crap about myself and about life
at least ive managed to get all the warm stuff i need for school anyway
hopefully it will help
i plan on wearing the hoodie all the time at school almost like an apron so it protects my clothes from children and keeps me warm 
i will be always wearing my snood and socks too

tomorrow i have no clue what i will be doing yet
cant see any friends cus honestly the ones i have are just too busy
so im just adjusting to living in my own world really
adam hasnt texted me since sunday and i havent replied to him
yeah

see how i am mentally tomorrow
and see how crippled i am from my massage 
she said i may hurt

oh my instagram thing if anyone wants it
lunatique_designs 

Week complete! Doodle in a frame for Mia~

Evening

A congratulations is in order
Ive done my first week!
I survived!

Last night I was in bed for 9pm
I had had enough I was mentally drained
honestly just drained and couldnt be arsed to stay up
i was that tired i didnt bother watching the last episode of Task Master
and I love that show

I woke up at 6am as I have been all week
stupid body clock making me even more tired by sticking on more time to my day!
i got up for school and felt sick but knew it was anxiety
i still shoved a brew and cereal down me tho
dont think i sat with Oz tho just too tired to and he was happy to go outside

school was alright
sam told me to tell the head of TAs of my dyslexia
i didnt want to be a bother to anyone but she seemed to feel it was necessary
so i told her and also told her ive got to leave early on 21st for a psychology appointment

I was in the cold cold nursery all morning
which was just what i call 'crowd control' just making sure theyre happy and safe
easy enough
but had to stand outside for 45mins
safe to say i was rather cold
and when it became lunch time i stood running my hands under the hot tap (steam was coming out) for a few mins until i had feeling in my hands and they had turned red
but i could feel them
lunch was cold and half way through i went to main school staff room
found a few faces i knew 
so warm in there ^^ i know where to go in future 

after lunch i was with the foundation class i least prefer - class 8
but sam pulled me away for groups which im still getting my head round
i came with her to main school to see where some equipment is stored and the computer guy talked to me about doing 7 days residential trip in december with year 5 and 6 to which theyre doing classroom activities and walking i told him id think about it. 
then the dept head came to talk to me and shes starting my induction process on tuesday seeing to any support i may need and sorting out school bits
then sam said she'd sort something through with me on the end of the day
head was spinning
ive had a headache from the sheer amount of information

i came back to class to help clean up which prevented me sadly from standing out on the playground getting cold again. 
then it was pretty much home time
sam came with me the end of the day to talk about groups i will have to do solo on monday afternoon which i dont feel too bad about and ive brought my stuff to have a flick through over the weekend what a joy

i came away at 4pm not wanting any more information or conversations
traffic was a bit bad coming home but i was glad to get home to
a brew and cake cus my god i needed it
even though id felt sick from breakfast and lunch i thought id eat

i went just dance for 25mins
i was so stiff tho i have to say
so maybe that massage tomorrow will do me some good

i managed my dinner
mum hasnt been overloading me on food luckily
then i washed up cus im determined to keep that up
despite mum offering to wash up telling me ive been at work all day
but i gotta do these things
i can do them   

i will be relieved to go bed tonight
i had cake after dinner too
im fat and ugly thats for sure

ordered 2 pieces of make up i wanted to try seeing at the £90 i earned all of last term came in from the agency

tomorrow
not doing park run
im gonna have a 30 min sport massage at 10am
hope i can walk afterwards
from there unsure what i will do really
but id like to make the most of my weekend if i can

here is part of mia's christmas present

i drew her this which randomly popped into my head
then i brought a frame for it

always pressure giving someone art work when they are great at art themselves
but i hope she will like it



i hope i can tune off from work this weekend

4th Day = tears

Konbanwa~~~



I woke up at 1:15am for a wee that must have gone for a minute
my god no wonder my bladder woke me XD
then dad woke me up at 6:50am 
i was quite tired actually but i think its from running last night
i had time to have a brew with Oz in the morning

I felt a bit apprehensive about school today
i knew id be fine but i think i was just mentally drained
i realised on the way to work as i thought on about school 
that i actually had tears running down my face
I was upset on my way to school
but wasnt even sure what it was i was upset about

i got to school and sat in my car and wondered whether or not to ring mum
i did
wasnt sure what i was even gonna say or what the problem was but
felt like i would feel better if i talked to her
she told me how well im doing and how proud she is
being a usual amazing mum to me
i did stop crying and composed myself and headed into school

i worked with the teacher that does the end of the week as the staff for both foundation classes seem to job share and i met them yesterday but today was my first day of working with them
so this morning she kindly talked to me about school
and i just started crying!
i felt like such an idiot but i couldnt even explain to her what was up
i just said its so much to take in and i want to do well
she sat me down and talked to me reassuring me it will come with time, theres no expectations, theyre grateful to have me, were a big team, i wouldnt have the job if they didnt have faith and confidence in me.
i felt better and she let me go wipe up my face in the toilet as the children came in

i was in foundation in the morning with the class i do seem to gel with
then did the weird lunch thing which i still dont enjoy
i went to lunch by myself again cus id had enough of serving meals
i sat quietly, i talked a bit to those who joined us but on the whole i think i zoned out

in the afternoon i was with the other class but first the lovely and amazing sam grabbed me and said we would start the intervention groups so i could finally learn from her
so she went through toys and crap with me and we talked toys and i asked her if she was a 90's child she says shes '96!! making her younger than me and my brother
shocking!
she has such an aura of maturity i was convinced she was 26 or 27 
so i got to see what happens in the groups and i enjoyed that
then i was with the class at the end session 

id had enough
and i said i was sorry for coming in the way i did
but they were fine with it and said we're all human and have our own personal pulls and stresses
theyre so lovely there, if they werent i think i would have jacked it in by now
but because of the staff are amazing i believe they will help me muddle through 

i came in and mum had made Nutella cake!?
never had that before and its actually pretty good i liked it
so i offered Oz some and he actually turned cake down
so i got him a treat and i ate some cereal and cake
needed to boost my sugar for yoga XD

yoga was good
hard work but good 
i struggled to tune off from work tho

came in and had soup for dinner with mum
i felt a bit panicky afterwards and lost a few tears
but i think its because im tired really
i hope i sleep tonight

just got one more day to go
hope it doesnt break me
i think its just a massive overload and will get easier with time
i just have a lot going on with my physical and mental health
which makes dealing with a new job all the more harder
but last day chin up

i got these in the post

cat ear clips
cat ear clips are rare believe it or not as theyre usually on a headband 
so i was happy with this find off ebay

3rd day of school

Evening~~

I keep waking at like 6am!!
Very annoying I have to say
I sat with Oz and had my morning cuppa with him seeing as it was raining
i could tell he didnt want to go out
I set off fine and traffic was a lot better than yesterday

I got to school and i was in usual reception class
but working with the computer teacher who works on a wednesday
he was very grateful of my help as he usually has the class of 30 to himself
he said he'd been in this job for 25 years so i pointed out im 26
and he said it made him feel old, mission accomplished XD
but he wasnt good at controlling the class
and i found myself taking leadership a lot to say ive only been there 2 days really
i knew the routine and names and took charge
i surprised myself if im honest
computers was a little hectic and i can tell wednesdays are gonna be my hectic day
still weird serving the children their meals tho i dont like that part of the day if im honest

Lunch time was cold always cold there
but left over cookies made it better and i took a cup of tea today as well
my voice hurt and i was grateful to sit in quiet

after lunch i was in the other class and first i was in the craft room which bored me a lil
and then i was in the classroom making Indian sweets which i didnt eat

i got to read stories to the class by myself at the end of the day
i enjoyed that despite having a sore voice 
i made it funny and got lots of laughs from the children

end of the day my first staff meeting
i wasnt introduced or anything
had no idea who anyone was
dont know if it was my dyslexia or just the fact that i had no idea what was happening but having to take notes into my diary was bloody hard and I had someone at the side of me helping me prompting me which notes to take, she saves my life, shes called Sam shes the one im gonna be taking over and tomorrow i hope i can work along side her and watch her

i came home and sat had a brew with Oz and mum and a cookie mum made
i got changed and did 25 mins of yoga then went running club
running club we ran through hospital grounds which i wasnt keen on doing
but got through it
went to jump over a puddle but fell slightly short and splashed a fellow runner who had a hissy fit at me and ignored me after that shes like 45 and behaved like she was 5
i wasnt arsed to be honest i dont go to make friends

came back and had my dinner
leftovers! pasta!
then i had a shower where i massaged my muscles best i can
i said to mum i need a massage not been for months as karen has been out of work due to cancer 
so ive decided to try a place that mums been to last week and adam's family uses
so ive booked a 30 min sports massage for saturday!
not gonna go park run im gonna have a massage
mum suggested i missed park run as ive been doing a lot 

tomorrow its school again and then yoga
just not enough hours in the day seriously!
i hope school goes ok tomorrow
i felt  a bit panicky in that staff meeting i think cus i was mentally tired and couldnt take any more info on board
sometimes i feel down about the job sometimes i immerse myself in it and enjoy it
we shall see

a necklace i got in the post~  

2nd day better than the 1st

Konbanwa~

I managed to do some Japanese last night ^^
I watched Peter Kay last night til 9:30pm then went promptly to bed
was shattered
didnt sleep well, woke up at 2:30am for a huge wee XD then I woke up at 5am
then dosed til 6am so yeah been awake for quite a while
just not sleeping well really
lot on my mind and i wasnt really looking forward to school
i was moaning that i wasnt sure the job was right for me

Got up for school at 6:45am
had plenty of time this morning and had time to get pigs out whereas mum had
to be left with that yesterday morning
traffic was quite bad this morning compared to yesterday tho

got to school and i saw someone from school walking to school i walked with them and they said they were a TA for year 6 and that i should join everyone from main school at lunch
I was in reception class again for the morning
then at lunch I was given a proper lanyard and the fob to the doors so i dont have to keep asking people to open doors for me
i sat with people from the early years team and someone brought cookies in ^^
so i was glad i didnt go to the main staffroom theres like no seats in there anyway
would have missed the cookies
i went towards the end of lunch and copied a henna design picture onto paper and the teacher saw and was amazed and found where my talents lie
no one had thought to ask me what i enjoy in life XD
after lunch i was with the other reception class which was ok a lot of speach and language difficulty in that class

the lady im kinda taking the role of sat down with me and told me her role and showed me time tables and work she does
jesus its a lot
i have so much to take on board
heck she gave me a whole booklet just with songs in! so much to learn
she says she will take me to do some of the one to one groups she does so i can learn and watch from her basically, shes lovely and a similar age

at the end of the day i was given a diary as apparently i need one
i also spoke to the teachers saying how low i felt yesterday overwhelmed i was with it all
they said they dont want me to be stressed, i have plenty of time to learn stuff, theyre grateful of the help, it will come naturally soon, take each day at a time
its because i expect so much of myself i like to get things right and work hard and last night i felt i wasnt good enough and that i would never get everything right
but today i came away feeling a bit better than yesterday that i will get there and i will enjoy it
some kids still pee me off but id get that with any school any class any year group
theyre just needy and sometimes it grates on me
i hope i get there

when i got in mum kindly made me a brew
then i danced for a bit just cus i needed to really got sweaty
ive eaten so much past few days so i have a lot to burn off
hate myself each and everyday
food thoughts dont stop
but i have no self control lately i see food and i eat it
its not helping the anorexic thoughts
im not even hungry but i eat
need to stop this behaviour as its only giving me stomach ache

i did a tiny bit of sewing
just sewing on reflective fabric onto my running club hoodie ready for tomorrow
as i plan on going tomorrow
think i will go for a walk in a bit with mum then shower then Oz
feel not too bad about going school tomorrow
hope i sleep better tho
i have surprised people with my energy levels
cus of how much sugar ive had last few days tho i think
and the sheer amount ive eaten

my nails this week which ive had a lot of comments about

First Day of my First Proper Job

Evening~~

I slept pretty well
but woke up at 6am and could no way sleep so I stayed awake
and got up at 6:50am when my dad did
I got ready fast but it was a real rush think i scolded my throat with tea
and got indigestion from shovelling cereal down me
got mum too take a photo of me

but the sun wasnt really up that much so the poor lighting has created a some
what grainy photo of me
i got off ok and felt so sick and nervous

I arrived at the school early
in the hopes that i could meet the staff id be working with before school started
but no one seemed to know where i was stationed and couldnt find the head teacher
in the end someone else saw to me and i didnt have a lot of time with the teacher
i got bombarded with information today i truly did

in the morning i was in foundation so aged 4-5 
i was informed which children to look out for
i was basically in the craft room doing an activity with the children with paint
and had to write notes whilst the other TA took children for flu vaccinations 
morning went ok then break which i had to be out on
then it was free play inside which was fine
just trying to learn all the names is hard work tho

lunch time came round and they have a very weird set up at the school
we have to take the children and serve them lunch! i kid you not!
very strange and something i felt uncomfortable doing cus it didnt feel like part of my job
but guess it is
then we got our hour lunch time my first actual break
they said cus the staff room is so small that the younger years staff (which im now part of) tends to eat in their own section (in classroom infact!)
they said its my option but i thought i couldnt be doing with meeting anymore people
so i stayed with them
and one person had their birthday today and kindly brought in cake so i had a piece
good job i stayed with them XD

so ive met  just about all the staff im working with as ive been told im working with 3 classes...
thats 90 childrens names and i have staff on top of that
nightmare
but keeps the job varied
what i wasnt keen on was the age group im working with
foundation 4-5 years 
and nursery....3-4 years
hate nursery it is far too young
young and needy brats
the kids i cant say i could take to 
just didnt like them
none of them had manners 
just not nice children and so many needs as well
no wonder they appointed me they seriously need help for how many difficult children they have down there. unreal
but i must say staff are lovely lovely people
all female and im the youngest but one does look a similar age to me
the rest are like 40-55 years

after lunch i was in sodding nursery 
we made something using ice lolly sticks
then they danced to firework songs as it is bonfire night tonight
then in the spirit of bonfire night we had a fire!
it was a small on and we just burned leaves but it was good
and whats more we even served the nursery children hot dogs, mushy peas and marshmellows!!! didnt do that in my day XD so that was nice
then another break i had to supervise on
then got ready for home time
after the kids left at 3:25 i had to stay til 4pm
but it ended up being 4:10pm as the teacher just wouldnt stop talking to me
just wanted to get home id had enough mentally and physically
speaking of mentally today was the first day in a long time ive wondered whether or not i need anti-depressants, but i can talk to my psychologist about that next week

i got home and had a brew
then i went on just dance 2 to get stuff out my system
had dinner then went for a walk watching fire works
but i needed to get out i couldnt sit and stew in the house all evening
so despite being shattered i took myself for a 45min walk
just got a lot on my mind really
if i like the job, can i see myself there til easter, will i be able to learn everything, what ive eaten, my body shape, what will tomorrow be like, will i sleep tonight, what will life be like from here
all that kinda stuff
just dont feel that happy
even tho a job is what ive desired for the last year now its here im not sure how im feeling about it
the staff told me to relax and enjoy it and they all love it and have been there years
im just not sure how im feeling about it all
but only been day 1

see what tomorrow brings
i hope i sleep
i am shattered 
truly

First Day of School Tomorrow!

Konbanwa~~

I had Oz in my room last night because of how much was kicking off outside
he spent the whole time washing and laying under my bed happy little bunny he was
i sat with him on the sofa and mum said, at 9pm, would i like to go for a short walk
both of us in pajamas like
she doesnt usually do this so i felt i was ether in trouble or she needed space and air
so i changed my clothes and went for a walk then came in at 9:20pm 

I watched the final episode of Killing Eve last night
was not expecting that for an ending
clearly left it open for potentially more episodes
cus that was not an ending!!!!
I went to bed then it was about 10:30pm
by 11:50pm I went downstairs just like the god old days
i was aching and couldnt sleep despite pain relief and sleep tablets
just couldnt sleep 
so I did 25mins of yoga and had a hot chocolate

woke up at 7:30am then I woke up again at 8:20am and got up
weighed myself
im a lump
all the weight i lost is back with a vengeance
honestly hate this body i really do
i ended up having a massive rant i had kept in lately to mum
about how much i hate my body and that i want to be in the 8 stone
boundary not the 9 stone and how i put weight on so easily
my body disgustingly shaped and has fat everywhere i hate it
hate it
truly hate my body
i want to lose weight
makes me feel like i have a control over its awful appearance
its not feminine and fat
hate it

i went and washed my car which was ready for a scrub
and now its already for my journeys to school
came in and had a shower 

i got a few things ready for school
took a photo of the thing i made  

then attempted another thing to hang off the christmas tree but ended up being pretty crap

but still it kept me quiet for an hour
i then put my cousins picture in her frame and decided to start on the picture i was gonna do for mia and after a few hours i got it finished and framed! good job done and i think it looks alright
mum says its good but im my worst critic but i think its good enough to give her

i had lunch and had an hour's walk
it was raining a little but i needed the air
came back and had a brew in front of my laptop
looked and ordered a few christmas presents as i order abroad i need to allow time for them to come it also distracted me for a bit
i hate christmas with a passion
why have we in the first week of November got christmas adverts on TV and christmas songs playing it shops huh? appalling

I went on Just Dance 2 for a short while
couldnt be bothered but thought id eaten a lot today so i needed to burn it off otherwise it will turn to more fat no doubt

gonna sort out what to wear tomorrow as its school tomorrow!
my first day of school!  My first proper job!
I am nervous hence why i cant sleep and have upset stomach 
i just hope im good enough and i hope the staff are nice especially the teacher i will be working along side til easter >< 
i know i will be tired after school
getting up at 6:50am and leaving at 7:45am 
start at 8:30am and finish 4pm
not taking much for dinner as food gives me stomach ache lately and i dont want stomach ache at school i can deal with it at home but not at school
i will eat when i get home

i usually go running club on a monday but seeing as it is bonfire night im not going as a lot of fireworks will no doubt be kicking off so Oz needs me
i will go running club on wednesday instead 

adam text me today not heard from him friday and saturday :D
he text "Hi, how are you?" today
i just didnt respond
i mean thats a talkative message to respond to right
he has no one else to talk to and is probably bored and has nothing to say
and i cant say i have anything to say to him

school tomorrow!
please let me sleep
i cant think we so much tiredness