Evening~~~
Didn't sleep too bad but was awake before my alarm
must say i wasnt feeling it today but continued on~
Got to school and felt stupidly anxious
Jack asked if everything was ok and I said I was feeling anxious to the point I felt sick, but I said I wasnt even sure what I was anxious about
in the end I got up to distract myself and busied myself with work
i kept feeling a bit off during my shift
i got to go help a teacher give a lesson to year 6 which was nice
it was like being a Teaching Assistant again
and the teacher appreciated my help
and i think i get to help with a year 7 or 8 lesson tomorrow and its heart dissection tomorrow as well i said id go and help with
the head of science who's display i did yesterday said he'd had a lot of good comments about the display ^^
year 9 had exams and a teacher walked in
"ah i dont wanna mark these, I have bottom set to mark"
she picked up a paper "its a good start when the child cant even circle correctly the teacher they have for science, theyve only been taught by them for a whole year"
i laughed and said "good luck with that"
she came back later
"when you think you've seen it all Jo. theres a question in the exam paper 'how does a microwave work?' and the student drew how to cook an instant microwaveable meal...."
i laughed. thats the level we have at school sometimes
Because I felt so off I kinda wondered about the blood test i have booked on monday, originally i thought id be better by then and therefor wouldnt need to go. but im still not feeling that well so im thinking i should go. I asked jack what he thought
he said "you need to go Jo this has gone on long enough dont you think?"
i said "yeah i know but its not til 9:50am and i have to recover AND drive to school it might be like near lunch time by time i get here..."
he said "doesnt matter youre going"
so bossy but hes right and just concerned
i didnt want lunch, shoved it down me and had stomach pains
im so sick of anorexic thoughts as well
its so relentless and i tried to talk to mum about it last night but i could myself tearing up so i stopped i cant describe the sheer hate i have for my body
i cant look at it
i really hate the look and feel of it
so having to eat lunch is a real kick in the teeth
i just about made it through my shift
dont know how i drove home safely
half zombied
got home
pajamas on
went to bed mum woke me for dinner
then i talked with my brother for a bit
did some drawing and got stuff ready for school
that was it
i have no life lately just so tired and dead
tomorrow just another day at school to get through really
did the eyes and started shading but didnt work much on it
too tired and eyes full of hay fever
Evening~~
I slept well and actually needed my alarm this morning
must have needed the sleep
I got ready for school and made sure to fuss Oz at 6am X3
School I felt anxious about
my head was very noisy, i felt a bit sicky and off and wondered if i would have enough energy to see me through the day
i saw jack in the car park tho so we walked in together which was nice
my morning was mad
just always is on a monday morning
teachers come in wanting things, different things, changing lesson plans
and ahhh its hard at times you head is spinning and its hard to know where you left off
plus i wasnt here half of last week so its hard to know where stuff has gone out to and what needs to be done but i got there
i didnt want to eat lunch but i did
felt horrid afterwards tho
sick of it. hate lunch times
i got to do some display work for the first time since being at the school
and it was head of science no less and he was very pleased with my work ^^
artisticness~
i just about got through my day
it was tough
and i was about dead when i walked through the door
mum made me a brew and i had it with Oz
i watched a couple of youtube videos and played pokemon for like 10 mins and shut my eyes on the sofa then did drawing for the rest of the evening
i need to get jack's mug done and fast! so im trying my best to get it done
its coming along tho
im just so damn tired
watching episode 4 of killing eve last night which was good
my other half always enjoys anything with psychopaths in surprise surprise
tomorrow its school
same old really
Evening~~~
So Friday
I got up and felt a bit rough but decided I wanted to go the technician meet
I got to the school and saw Julia cycling in so luckily I got to walk in with her
we had tea and biscuits then started with chemistry
we had a demonstration from their technician and I looked round the room
thinking "is everyone understanding this?"
no one else looked as blank and confused as me
I have to say I had a lot of moments that day were I doubted my job
that i was in the wrong the job as i have no idea whats going off!
Luckily for me Julia knows everything when it comes to chemistry
so she talked me through it all and we did it
i watched 'flame tests' which funny enough me and jack had been trying to create
over the last two weeks with little success but this technician told us how
he had managed it
then he showed us a penny which he turned from copper to silver then to gold
that was quite cool
we stopped and had lunch which i felt ready for
then it was biology time
i got to 'denature' some milk
and we were shown other practicals that i will have to prep for school
so i took note and photos as its gonna help me
we had a break and i was running short on energy but kept going
it was nice to spend time with just julia as i havent really had the time with her
then it was physics and it was a mend it session but it wasnt successful
so they let us go early
and cus i was staying at jack's i decided to head back to my school
julia decided to head back too
she made it there before me as i was texting mum in the car to say i was ok
didnt know julia had reported to jack that i was well behaved and how well i was >.>
i got to school and jack was already asking me to do stuff
i said "ah its not my problem" smugly
he came up to me and said "it is you problem as if i dont get finished on time you will be leaving a lot later because youre going home with me, so if you wanna leave on time i suggest you help"
wise ass
i helped but did bare minimum XD
we got to his and took it easy all evening
jack hadnt checked his phone and found out in 15mins time theo was having friends over as they were having a night out...
i said "im staying downstairs"
he was like "stay upstairs and just see people"
i was in his pajamas and looked like death
i came upstairs and drank some rum which was gross
then i laid on the sofa
and i fell asleep for quite a while
what woke me was them leaving at 11:30pm
we were in bed for midnight
saturday
we had a bit of lay in as jack doesnt do mornings XD
it was stupidly hot that day think it reached 31c
i found out that some of jacks friends wanted to come out in the sun with us
i felt like death
so rather than be in the way i decided to leave
i got my stuff together and told jack i was going home
he was like "you sure youre ok to drive?"
i said "im fine i'll take my time"
we started the walk down to my car and i was struggling
honestly like my heart felt like it couldnt pump enough blood for me to walk
i was struggling to find the strength to open doors
we got to the car park and jack said "jo this is ridiculous you cant even stand up straight"
i said "but i need to go home as i need medication anyway"
he said "rest and get it later"
i was sooo frustrated and just wanted to be well
i felt like id be in the way, that he'd only worry all day about me, and was just annoyed at myself
so i took the walk of shame back to his flat and i lost a few tears
just out of frustration i think
we grabbed some lunch from a store and with theo james and harvey we laid out in the local park those guys were in the sun but i wasnt and jack joined me
i wasnt gonna get sun stroke on top of feeling poorly
i was running short on energy tho
we got back to his flat and slept
when i woke up i felt loads better and decided to go home for my medication
it was so damn hot tho and as much as i wanted to fuss oz i couldnt as id only make him hotter and he was panting as it was as he still has his winter coat
we got back to jacks and i tided up and helped with dinner the 3 of us ate together and started watching pirates of the carribean but we went to bed half way through
then today i got up and didnt feel too bad
we popped round the shops and i felt so tired
we decided to go out for lunch just the 3 of us
we had thai food it was soooo good
then we rested back at the flat
then i came home and as it was cooler today and Oz had missed me terribly
i spent some time with him
put my stuff away from jacks
got school stuff ready
and did my diary
thats all ive had time for
hopefully watching killing eve tonight if i can stay awake for it
coming home i die of hayfever so it tires me out greatly
tomorrow its school
and i plan being back on form and doing the whole week
i am feeling better but i just keep dying now and again
jack says hes gonna make sure i dont tire myself out
julia said "youve got a mum at home and a mum here"
theo was lecturing me on my diet
will there come a time Jo wont worry others?
its nice having people to look out for me tho
i got some face powder in the post to try
its suppost to be good with sweat
and i think its gonna be needed!
Evening~
I woke up at 4am
I felt off and decided to cancel my alarm and not go to work
i woke up at 8:30am
resigning myself to a day of rest really
I played pokemon
had a shower
designed my nails for tonight
did some drawing of jack's mug
got the outline done
watched the last episode of senko-san
ordered some hair dye to have ago with
slept for a couple of hours
yeah just passed the day really
mum made cake and we sat out in the sun drinking tea and having cake
ive eaten soooo much today im fed up of eating!
i decided to go to yoga as i havent been for a couple weeks
and that was really tough despite it being a relaxed lesson
i was just wiped out
tomorrow im gonna go to a different school
one that is 2 mins from my school
its for this 'technician meet up' thing
local science technicians in the city get to meet up and have different workshops
theres tea and coffee i guess
me and julia are attending, jack wanted to go but one of us has to stay at school
and seeing as he has been before he let us go
ive gotta wear my lab coat >.> julia has took it home with her tonight and bringing
it for me tomorrow ^^
im so not gonna blend in with the geeks tho
but jack said its mostly woman and the age is pretty mixed so hopefully there will be others to talk to but i doubt any will be like minded like me XD
but i will attend
tomorrow im 'working' 2 hours less than i usually do
i finish at 3pm
jack doesnt finish til 3:30pm but i said id come school and drop off my lab coat
and go pick him up and stay at his house really
so thats tomorrow
and i dont care how i am feeling
i am going~
Evening~~
Didnt sleep til midnight but woke up at 6:30am so thats not too bad i guess
my morning was alright
I ended up having a bit of a lecture from mum about my mental health/behaviour
as of late...
and shes right i know i havent been on my best lately
but surprisingly just talking about it all brought me back down to earth
i told her im struggling and when im struggling i push others away
its just something i seem to do
but i felt better for talking
however talking almost made me late for work i only just got there on time!
i saw jack and julia wasnt in yet
so i went over to talk to him and told him i was struggling and sorry for being a jerk
he said he noticed i was down and hurting
so we talked about stuff
then he said we had to go round the labs and check the equipment
a job i didnt want to do
he offered to do it together or by our selves
and id brought my ipod - intending to work alone
but since i had talked to mum and talked to jack i felt better and therefor wanted the company
so i worked with him
god there was so much stuff
took us hours
going up down up down off the floor checking trays and shelves
i was feeling dizzy but didnt think much to it really
we had lunch, well i had some biscuits and a hot chocolate
and i felt kinda spaced out and julia said i didnt look so good
i didnt feel good
she suggested i go out for fresh air i got up and almost walked into the door frame
i said "Im ok"
and then my legs just gave way and i went crashing to the floor
jack was there and i was shaking like a leaf
i was annoyed
they said i should go to the nurses office as i could lay down there
i did not want that kinda attention
but it seems it was a day of what jo didnt want to happen >.>
i got carried with an arm under each of me from julia and jack
and they took me to the nurses room
i had to lay down with and ice pack on my forehead as i was burning up
and she put the fan on me
the nurse asked jack "is there anyone we can ring?"
he asked me "is your mum home?"
i said "yeah she is today but theres no need as ill be fine in 10mins then ill go home"
they both looked at each other and next thing i knew jack left me alone with the nurse
she asked me "do you two know each other from school or something?"
i said "no. why do you ask?"
she said "you two seem to know each other well" ^^"
does it show that much?...
jack came back
"rang your mum, shes on her way"
i looked horrified at him "you are joking?"
he said "no Jo I am not joking. youre going home"
i said "ah your dont understand, ill be fine in a few mins, theres no need to send me home and mum is only gonna lecture me again"
he said "i dont care you cant drive end of youre going home"
told him i hated him
but in that moment i hated myself above anything else
hated that i was once again sick, putting others out, and attracting attention to myself
mum eventually arrived
and i said
"i dont think my legs can carry me to the car"
so what does the nurse get for me?
a wheel chair
course she does -____-
so i now have a worried mother and a wheel chair facing me
i literally wanted to crawl up and die
jack pushed me in the wheel chair to mums car ><
i could have died
he looked a bit stressed and concerned and mum said once we drove off
"i can tell he didnt want to leave you. he told me on the phone you didnt bring lunch today"
crap and double crap
we got home and mum rang the doctors
i got a cancellation an hour later
i was checked over and doctor said id basically got a virus that should pass
i just had to rest drink and eat
i got home and went to bed
i felt better for food and bed rest
mia rang me and i spoke to her for a bit which was nice but tiring
i had texts from jack asking if i was ok
i said i was ok and that i wanna come school tomorrow
he told me to take the day off
but i can not bare a day of sodding bed rest
its evil
so i started getting my school stuff ready and mum asked me what i was doing
i said "i wanna go school"
she said "only if youre well as i am not collecting you again, i didnt pick you up this much during your whole time at high school"
i said "i know im 27 and youre still picking me up poorly from school like a child" XD
but we agreed if i was ok i could go
then the lecture came
the food lecture
yes jo has learned a lesson
i have to eat
despite how much i hate myself, my size, my weight.
i must eat
i cant work and not eat
so i have got a lot of food to take tomorrow
and its something ive got to get on with and do
i could get by so much easier in life if i didnt have so many anorexic thoughts and self hatred
i told jack today how much i hate myself and he was so sad to hear that
just fact of the matter
so yeah jo has not been taking care of herself
id like to go school tomorrow
but i guess i shall see
Evening
Didnt fall asleep til gone midnight
and woke up at 4am
sick of waking up before my alarm its like i dont trust its gonna go off!
i got ready for school and sat with Oz inside as it was chucking it down
it only stopped raining at 7pm -___-
Today was probably my first boring day at school
no lessons at all
so nothing to prep and nothing to go in and help in
i did odd jobs
i think the most exciting part of my day was mixing hydrochloric acid up
ive cleaned a lot
im so done in
jack was stressing today, he got to budget through and realised we dont have enough for the equipment we need and was trying to find other suppliers and yadda yadda it went on all day he went on about it during lunch. i tuned off id had enough
bigger things to worry about
but because he was stressing, he turned into a jerk
gods sake he was on my back
what an arse hole
proper did my head in
i told him several times i hated him
the day went incredibly slow
as soon as 4pm hit i was out the door
didnt bother waiting for anyone i was gone
i got home and had a brew with mum and oz
and went to bed
i was shattered, in pain
my knee is so bad
i came to conclusion this morning that its not gonna heal
this is just my body now breaking down, my joints are just getting worse
it feels horrid and does hurt time to time
so sod it im gonna return to dancing as soon as i have the energy to do so
currently im still kicking off the rest of this virus
i havent done much since i woke up
ate dinner and did 30 mins of yoga
gotta get stuff ready for school yet and its 8:30pm
i wanna try and do some drawing as well
just not enough hours in the day
last night jack wanted me to come over tonight
but i didnt want to really so i never gave him a real answer
glad i didnt after the day ive had with him
tomorrow looks like an incredibly boring day ahead
i have lab sinks to scrub clean and lab inventories to do
i hate this week so much
Evening~~~
Didnt sleep too bad
but been awake since 5am
I had a lovely quiet morning at home
morning at school however was another matter
Jack came in charging around
he was running late
he had forgotten he'd left his work wear in the washer, he missed his tram, forgot to buy string over the weekend (despite me reminding him) and after another million things he discovered he had forgot to buy bread for a practical in half hour time...
so my morning was made very hectic from him
i walked to the shop to get bread
on the way i bumped into a drama teacher who said he had seen the drawing i had done for Liv and Alicia and would I do a picture for his daughter who's birthday it is in July. I said sure, he said "let me know youre favourite drink" i dont drink -___- but didnt think to tell him that. so thats Liv who wants a picture drawing for her dad, the drama teacher, and the mug I need to do for Jack
i came in and he started making the practical, went wrong
he told me what to do and i did it -_____-
we only just got to first aid training on time!
first aid training was actually good
we were taught by a woman
i was with jack and a teacher about 40 years old called Andrew
andrew made a lot of jokes and i was laughing
i was hoping id do ok but was made a lil nervous when she said there was a test at the end...
so we covered different things and did resuscitation and used a defibrillator
she said "out of all the hundreds ive taught only 5 people have used the defibrillator correctly"
i had a go and she said "youre number 6 well done"
i did really well
we did the recovery position and i said "ive been in that a lot"
she looked horrified at me as she was an ex-paramedic
she was like "why whats wrong with you?"
i told her "i dont do bleeding, needles and have low blood pressure"
we were given an hour lunch which i took
then after lunch we did wounds and the photos and talking about it was making me feel a lil off and weak as i wasnt feeling 100% anyway
she was asking questions and i was surprised how much i was getting right
the other two didnt say a lot
jack was impressed with how well i did and with my attention span as i didnt doodle once
we took the 15 question test at the end and the 3 of us passed
woohoo
she afterwards said to me i impressed her and its nice to see when first aid comes naturally to people
we went back to the prep room
and i did a few jobs but suddenly felt quite faint and had a 10 min sit
i was annoyed cus i thought i was getting over this!
i did a few jobs when i felt up to it
jack said "seeing as sally is leaving do you wanna draw a card for her?"
i said "seriously? i get like 3 art requests in 1 week!?"
i knew id do it tho
then went home really
got home and in my pajamas
played pokemon and slept
had dinner then started and finished drawing the card for the teacher
its simple and i practically copied a design out there as i wasnt in the mood to design
im too tired, besides she loves cats so im sure it will go down well
tomorrow is school
and its looking like a boring boring day
im gonna try and see if i can hide out in some lessons!
