Evening
what crappy day
literally
life is unfair
i have no life lately
work + sleep = jo's current life
I tried to dance this morning
i managed 20 mins but i was so done in
my heart felt like it was working over time and i was incredibly hot
i had a shower and was still red in the face
felt ill
once i was dressed i went to bed
and thats where i stayed til 5pm
kid you not
didnt sleep for all that time
but i was just there
and i was suppose to meet alan rebecca liv and jack for food at 6pm
i hadnt heard from jack til 4:30pm when he asked if i was seeing him before food
i said i had been poorly in bed all day and wasnt coming out
jo missed out once again
so ive been quite low
ive slept so much today as i couldnt bare to be awake today
just couldnt cope with it all
wanted to be numb away from it all
i made myself some food at 6:30pm
ate it and did a bit of drawing afterwards simply so i would feel like
i have achieved something with my day
tonight is Killing Eve
looking forward to it
tomorrow Jack wants me to see him
but im unsure
if im feeling rough im not ruining his day
i hope i feel better cus im fed up frankly
Evening
ahhhh im so tired -_____-
i managed school
luckily a load of cakes and chocolates were brought in
so Jo got through the day using sugar
but my day was busy
and i kept expecting to hear jack's voice or expect him to come in
it was weird not having him there
first period i went into lesson to help out with making shells
i cleared up and talked to head of biology about display work
she's given me a shed a load of work which i really want to do
she also told me theyre gonna train me on A-level (aged 16-18) practicals!
i didnt stop and then i had 2 heart dissections to prepare
i went into one heart dissection to help out and that went well
then i had both of them to clear up
other practicals going off
and yeah i just didnt stop
but i didnt feel too bad but i think its cus i was living off adrenaline and sugar
me and julia survived
and the teachers thanked me for the help i provided
everyone said how well i managed with out jack XD
they were like "we dont need him" XD
it was a mad rush at the end of the day i could have used his help but apart from that i managed
i got home
and all i wanted to do was shower
cus my god it was hot and i sweated buckets all day as i was constantly on the go
so a shower was needed
but i realised i had got my pink hair dye in the post!!!
its permanent O:
i have never ever used permanent hair dye as i cant be doing with roots and stuff
but i decided to dye the underneath part of my hair 'pink hazelnut'
so mum kindly did that for me
then i had a shower
my hair looks nice its subtle which is what i was wanting
wonder what everyone will think
since then ive been talking to mum and brother and resting
i am shattered
but have remained awake!
i hope to sleep tonight
gonna paint my nails tonight
tomorrow
in the morning i am dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont care how the hell i am feeling I AM DANCING
i have missed it terribly
during summer holidays i plan to catch up with my recording and uploading
so i need to get back into practising!
then i will take it easy as i am seeing jack then i do believe at 7pm we are meeting up rebecca and alan and possibly liv and alicia and going for a meal out somewhere
so that should be nice
then i will sleep at jack's probably
Evening
I woke up 1 minute before my alarm
beat it~
Got ready for school
as i was leaving the house mum said "i dont want you doing any sports day stuff, theres always next year. be sensible, i know you dont like being sensible" >.>
got to school and saw jack in the car park i said "got literally banned from doing sports day"
he said "yeah, good cus youre not doing it" >.>
school was fine
but by 9:30am i was feeling dizzy and sick so i was on the floor with my feet against the wall
sick of it
so frustrating
jack made me sweet tea
i was able to continue
spent and hour of the morning trying to source maggots...
yup as it falls on jo's shoulders - the biology technician - to source maggots for lesson
jack said "buy some a store them in your fridge over night and bring them into school"
i said "jack i live at home, do you think my parents want maggots in their fridge?"
wasnt happening
so luckily i found somewhere near the school that sells them
so next week i need to leave during school to go buy some and store them in the fridge at work. thank god it worked out for the best
i dont wanna buy them or have anything to do with them
they stink and are gross
i managed to get through the day
it was hard to say the least
i felt rotten after my lunch too
had a text from mum during lunch 'you best not be doing any sports day stuff'
jesus
we had Liv upset so we comforted her
im so gonna miss her she only had 3 weeks left with us :(
i annoyed jack as much as i could seeing as he isnt in tomorrow
i will be in charge of the ship
so i was winding him up about stuff that i will get up to tomorrow XD
i can tell hes not 100% happy about leaving work
but he chose to go to a nerdy technician meet in York
he says hes actually gonna check up on me through Julia >.> the git
doesnt trust me
he says "julia is in charge"
hows he figure that when shes upstairs in chemistry
im downstairs manning physics and biology and everything else
therefor im in charge
should be a fun day XD
i got home
slept
mum woke me for yoga
but i knew i couldnt do it
so she went alone
i went back to sleep
woke up for food, my diary and now im gonna sit with oz and sleep
just got tomorrow to do
Evening~~
Had weird dreams
a horse had died and it's friend - another horse - was protecting it's dead body
i tried to get to it so i could lead the horse away from the dead one
but it was protecting it fiercely
i was chased away
i was then walking in the room bellow the dead horse and i watched a guy walk ahead
and i called out to him to stop walking
as the ceiling gave way
the dead horse came through it and along with a load of green rotting bodily fluids
luckily i wasnt touched but the guy was covered in it
so gross and disturbing
why do i dream of such weird stuff?
i was a bit sweaty when i woke up at 5:45am
i stayed awake and got up 10 mins later
felt dizzy this morning but still went to school
this morning jack was having a meeting with a science equipment rep
leaving me in charge of 6 classrooms by myself for 2 hours >.> the git
he had such a cushy morning
me on the other hand i was actually running between labs and the prep room
i had solutions to make up, things to mix up, things to print off
staff wanting stuff, students wanting stuff
it was endless and i was about dead!
jack came back and we had a cup of tea i needed it
i didnt want my lunch i felt off before i had even looked at it
but julia and jack both told me to eat
i then knew i had the delightful job of draining the blood from the hearts
as they were bagged up and sitting in a puddle of blood
14 hearts
14 puddles
safe to say i needed a lay down afterwards
doing that job when you already feel quite sick and off is not good
a teacher asked me "should you be doing that if youre not feeling good?"
i said "dont have a lot of choice ill get it done"
i had 3 teachers ask me if i was ok so i was starting to think 'perhaps i dont look good?'
jack said i looked like death
he let me lay down
he said "what am i gonna do with you?"
i said "why whats up?"
he said "well most people would say 'im sick im going home' but youre like 'no i wanna work'"
i said "ive missed so much school already i cant miss anymore they will sack me"
he said "they wont sack you. have you thought about going part time?"
i said "Not going part time. im doing this"
but i was getting frustrated laying there as it was 2:30pm and i hadnt even looked at tomorrow's classes
i said to him and the head of science "i dont have a life at the moment, i work, come home, sleep, get woken for food, go back to bed. then repeat"
jack asked if i wanted to come over friday evening but hes not getting home til 8pm
and i wont have energy anyway so i said id probably see him over the weekend
i got all my prepping done for tomorrow with 1 minute to spare
i was done in
and i had the job of disposing the hearts as well
lovely
got home ate food and had a brew
Oz was outside so i left him
then i went to bed
mum woke me for food
after food i worked a bit more on jack's present
got his shading done
i will next work on myself
it will get done
speaking of drawing
a chemistry teacher has asked me to draw the chemistry teachers thats 5 teachers for a wall display so thats a lot of work to be done over summer
tomorrow school then yoga
jesus how am i gonna get through it all
i almost came home today
i hope i can get through tomorrow
Evening~~~
Didn't sleep too bad but was awake before my alarm
must say i wasnt feeling it today but continued on~
Got to school and felt stupidly anxious
Jack asked if everything was ok and I said I was feeling anxious to the point I felt sick, but I said I wasnt even sure what I was anxious about
in the end I got up to distract myself and busied myself with work
i kept feeling a bit off during my shift
i got to go help a teacher give a lesson to year 6 which was nice
it was like being a Teaching Assistant again
and the teacher appreciated my help
and i think i get to help with a year 7 or 8 lesson tomorrow and its heart dissection tomorrow as well i said id go and help with
the head of science who's display i did yesterday said he'd had a lot of good comments about the display ^^
year 9 had exams and a teacher walked in
"ah i dont wanna mark these, I have bottom set to mark"
she picked up a paper "its a good start when the child cant even circle correctly the teacher they have for science, theyve only been taught by them for a whole year"
i laughed and said "good luck with that"
she came back later
"when you think you've seen it all Jo. theres a question in the exam paper 'how does a microwave work?' and the student drew how to cook an instant microwaveable meal...."
i laughed. thats the level we have at school sometimes
Because I felt so off I kinda wondered about the blood test i have booked on monday, originally i thought id be better by then and therefor wouldnt need to go. but im still not feeling that well so im thinking i should go. I asked jack what he thought
he said "you need to go Jo this has gone on long enough dont you think?"
i said "yeah i know but its not til 9:50am and i have to recover AND drive to school it might be like near lunch time by time i get here..."
he said "doesnt matter youre going"
so bossy but hes right and just concerned
i didnt want lunch, shoved it down me and had stomach pains
im so sick of anorexic thoughts as well
its so relentless and i tried to talk to mum about it last night but i could myself tearing up so i stopped i cant describe the sheer hate i have for my body
i cant look at it
i really hate the look and feel of it
so having to eat lunch is a real kick in the teeth
i just about made it through my shift
dont know how i drove home safely
half zombied
got home
pajamas on
went to bed mum woke me for dinner
then i talked with my brother for a bit
did some drawing and got stuff ready for school
that was it
i have no life lately just so tired and dead
tomorrow just another day at school to get through really
did the eyes and started shading but didnt work much on it
too tired and eyes full of hay fever
Evening~~
I slept well and actually needed my alarm this morning
must have needed the sleep
I got ready for school and made sure to fuss Oz at 6am X3
School I felt anxious about
my head was very noisy, i felt a bit sicky and off and wondered if i would have enough energy to see me through the day
i saw jack in the car park tho so we walked in together which was nice
my morning was mad
just always is on a monday morning
teachers come in wanting things, different things, changing lesson plans
and ahhh its hard at times you head is spinning and its hard to know where you left off
plus i wasnt here half of last week so its hard to know where stuff has gone out to and what needs to be done but i got there
i didnt want to eat lunch but i did
felt horrid afterwards tho
sick of it. hate lunch times
i got to do some display work for the first time since being at the school
and it was head of science no less and he was very pleased with my work ^^
artisticness~
i just about got through my day
it was tough
and i was about dead when i walked through the door
mum made me a brew and i had it with Oz
i watched a couple of youtube videos and played pokemon for like 10 mins and shut my eyes on the sofa then did drawing for the rest of the evening
i need to get jack's mug done and fast! so im trying my best to get it done
its coming along tho
im just so damn tired
watching episode 4 of killing eve last night which was good
my other half always enjoys anything with psychopaths in surprise surprise
tomorrow its school
same old really
Evening~~~
So Friday
I got up and felt a bit rough but decided I wanted to go the technician meet
I got to the school and saw Julia cycling in so luckily I got to walk in with her
we had tea and biscuits then started with chemistry
we had a demonstration from their technician and I looked round the room
thinking "is everyone understanding this?"
no one else looked as blank and confused as me
I have to say I had a lot of moments that day were I doubted my job
that i was in the wrong the job as i have no idea whats going off!
Luckily for me Julia knows everything when it comes to chemistry
so she talked me through it all and we did it
i watched 'flame tests' which funny enough me and jack had been trying to create
over the last two weeks with little success but this technician told us how
he had managed it
then he showed us a penny which he turned from copper to silver then to gold
that was quite cool
we stopped and had lunch which i felt ready for
then it was biology time
i got to 'denature' some milk
and we were shown other practicals that i will have to prep for school
so i took note and photos as its gonna help me
we had a break and i was running short on energy but kept going
it was nice to spend time with just julia as i havent really had the time with her
then it was physics and it was a mend it session but it wasnt successful
so they let us go early
and cus i was staying at jack's i decided to head back to my school
julia decided to head back too
she made it there before me as i was texting mum in the car to say i was ok
didnt know julia had reported to jack that i was well behaved and how well i was >.>
i got to school and jack was already asking me to do stuff
i said "ah its not my problem" smugly
he came up to me and said "it is you problem as if i dont get finished on time you will be leaving a lot later because youre going home with me, so if you wanna leave on time i suggest you help"
wise ass
i helped but did bare minimum XD
we got to his and took it easy all evening
jack hadnt checked his phone and found out in 15mins time theo was having friends over as they were having a night out...
i said "im staying downstairs"
he was like "stay upstairs and just see people"
i was in his pajamas and looked like death
i came upstairs and drank some rum which was gross
then i laid on the sofa
and i fell asleep for quite a while
what woke me was them leaving at 11:30pm
we were in bed for midnight
saturday
we had a bit of lay in as jack doesnt do mornings XD
it was stupidly hot that day think it reached 31c
i found out that some of jacks friends wanted to come out in the sun with us
i felt like death
so rather than be in the way i decided to leave
i got my stuff together and told jack i was going home
he was like "you sure youre ok to drive?"
i said "im fine i'll take my time"
we started the walk down to my car and i was struggling
honestly like my heart felt like it couldnt pump enough blood for me to walk
i was struggling to find the strength to open doors
we got to the car park and jack said "jo this is ridiculous you cant even stand up straight"
i said "but i need to go home as i need medication anyway"
he said "rest and get it later"
i was sooo frustrated and just wanted to be well
i felt like id be in the way, that he'd only worry all day about me, and was just annoyed at myself
so i took the walk of shame back to his flat and i lost a few tears
just out of frustration i think
we grabbed some lunch from a store and with theo james and harvey we laid out in the local park those guys were in the sun but i wasnt and jack joined me
i wasnt gonna get sun stroke on top of feeling poorly
i was running short on energy tho
we got back to his flat and slept
when i woke up i felt loads better and decided to go home for my medication
it was so damn hot tho and as much as i wanted to fuss oz i couldnt as id only make him hotter and he was panting as it was as he still has his winter coat
we got back to jacks and i tided up and helped with dinner the 3 of us ate together and started watching pirates of the carribean but we went to bed half way through
then today i got up and didnt feel too bad
we popped round the shops and i felt so tired
we decided to go out for lunch just the 3 of us
we had thai food it was soooo good
then we rested back at the flat
then i came home and as it was cooler today and Oz had missed me terribly
i spent some time with him
put my stuff away from jacks
got school stuff ready
and did my diary
thats all ive had time for
hopefully watching killing eve tonight if i can stay awake for it
coming home i die of hayfever so it tires me out greatly
tomorrow its school
and i plan being back on form and doing the whole week
i am feeling better but i just keep dying now and again
jack says hes gonna make sure i dont tire myself out
julia said "youve got a mum at home and a mum here"
theo was lecturing me on my diet
will there come a time Jo wont worry others?
its nice having people to look out for me tho
i got some face powder in the post to try
its suppost to be good with sweat
and i think its gonna be needed!
