Evening~~
Didn't sleep great
but i put that down to not having the sheer amount of pain killers
i have been taking as of the last 3 days
as my god i ached and it was waking me up ><
this morning i felt a bit better about life
i mean i didnt want to go to work really
i think a part of me could have buried my head under the duvet for the day
but thats not solving anything and letting people down
myself included
so i pushed on and went to work
jack gave me hugs and stuff today
think hes missed me
well i guess its been over a week since we've spent any time together
and i didnt see him over the weekend
i didnt want to tell him what id been like over the weekend
as i dont know if its male bravado of wanted to be needed or him wanting to help
but id only get lectured about not calling him or telling him
and its done now and theres never anything anyone can do
you have to ride it out
so i kept quiet about the extent of the damage
i talked to Liv about it all as she has depression
and i told her that i hadnt told jack
and she just said the same thing as i think
theres nothing anyone can do you just have to ride it out
i fetched maggots
gross little things and i could smell em too
i was getting everything done
but i had so many demands made of me today
and then at 2pm so with 2hours to go i find out bacteria is needed for tomorrow....
apparently jack was told but i wasnt
and it hadnt been made and it is not a 2 minute job
i was stressing a bit as i didnt know what i was doing
the instructions might as well be written in chinese
and i had little time left + the other jobs that needed doing
but julia and jack helped me
we got there and was only a few minutes late
i felt anxious about coming home
just didnt want to fall into depression again
i told jack and he offered to have me over but i wasnt sure if it was his way of wanting to help or pitying me. besides i know he wanted to game tonight
so i told him id be fine
i got home
and surprise surprise i went to bed!
just knew i wouldnt see the evening through
had pizza when i got up
tomorrow
cant face tomorrow
got maggots and bacteria to sort
but on top of that a stupid introduction for new staff at the school...
ive been there 7 months
bit late?
julia is doing it along with a biology teacher whos been there since november
jack is hoping i can get out early as im only support staff so stuff isnt really needed for me
julia as she has children at the school, i will understand if she wants to do the whole day
as for me id rather support jack
theres free lunch but im taking my own i cant be doing with the stress of that
Millie had the vets today
to check why she has fur missing
the vet suspects molly has been pulling it out...
so were keeping an eye on em
but glad she doesnt need treatment
i cant remember if i showed last week's nail
but i had a lot of compliments
speaking of compliments
jack said hes getting fed up of being told how cool Jo is XD
im just that amazing
he said "no one tells me how cool i am"
i said "thats cus youre not, youre not even in the same league as me"
a few teachers from work have even added me on facebook
even tho i dont use it XD
Konbanwa
I slept alright I guess
but woke up at 1:30am to find quite a few txt messages on my phone...
and i think thats what woke me up -- my phone screen illuminating my room
it was Jack
Jack who had clearly had one too many
cus my god those text messages XD
quite amusing
all declaring his undying love for me
i txt him back saying "think youre drunk cus we dont usually say this stuff"
we aint a soppy couple
and he continued sharing his feelings
i said "you are gonna want to die in the morning when you read all this"
after a while a turned over and went to sleep
this morning i felt slightly better than what i had done the night before
i kinda thought 'new day' sorta thing
at 10am i got a txt from jack "oh my god"
i said "seen last night's damage have we?"
he said "god i had a lot. could be worse i guess. at least my drunken thoughts are of you"
which is true i guess at least hes not going round touching up other girls whilst drunk
no one compares to Jo you see XD
I needed to have a bit of me time
or to feel something
i felt so numb
so i went down to the river and walked a long side it
which usually calms any unease im feeling
but it didnt do a great deal for me
so i decided to go shopping
shopping usually makes people happy right?
so i walked round tk maxx with my ipod in
i picked up a cardigan, new school trousers, joggers, body spray, eyeshadow, night cream
none it i needed, well the cardigan i kinda need but none of it i needed
i just brought
i didnt try on ether
cant say it made me feel any better
i decided to go home
jack had text me to see if i wanted to join them for food but food wasnt doing it for me so i couldnt see the point in wasting more money so i said for them to go without me
i went to sleep after i had lunch
got a txt from jack at 3pm saying they were going pudding place did i want to come
i said there wasnt much point in coming out as id have to get home for school and stuff
they kinda begged for me to come out
but i told them to leave it
i laid on my bed a bit then sat outside with Oz and a brew like i did at breakfast
cant really taste anything today
pretty numb to the world
ive got drawing i should be at least making a start on
id like to start it tonight if i can as ive done nothing towards it
hopefully i will feel more of the world tomorrow
tomorrow is school
again
and it starts again
work, sleep, work, sleep
not much longer i guess
Evening
Got woke up at 7am by a crow on the roof outside my window...
on my day off too...
life is cruel
i got up anyway
had breakfast and stuff and had a brew with mum
then did some dancing which i found difficult but felt good to do
had a much needed shower
then i went to pet shop
got Oz two bags of food
4 bags of treats
and a bag of guinea food
then me and mum went to Currys and finally finally brought a new tablet
as ours is dying and is about 7 years old
so we got an Acer which was on offer and the same brand as my laptop
and my laptop is pushing 10 years so i know its a good make
also it came in rose gold!
im yet to have a go on it
but its bigger than the old one and better resolution so dances will look amazing!
i came back
went to sleep for 2 hours
got up for some food
got a txt from Jack "you were right, i didnt see the morning."
that was at 2:40pm
he said "i gotta go food shopping and tidy up but then you can come over"
i said "so its almost 3pm and you havent done anything yet?"
he said "no but it wont take me long"
went back to bed
got up and went for a walk which was quite nice
and bumped into my hairdresser
at 6pm jack said "you can come over in half hour"
i said "im staying home tonight but you guys have fun"
i was tired and not in the right frame of mind and couldnt be doing with going out and being nice to everyone then dealing with the noise of a bar
but mum said "why dont you go over and see him?"
i said "because if i go and say i dont want to go out, i will stop him from going out"
she said "but maybe he should want to spend that time with you instead of out drinking"
i said "i dont want his friends getting annoyed at him for not going out"
so im best of staying out the way
i went back on my bed and cried
for about 2 hours
just sadness really
fed up
tired
fed up of my illnesses
fed up of mental health issues
fed up of not being able to understand why jack even puts up with someone like me
just want to be as strong as everyone else
i didnt tell jack i was upset i told him i was fine
he said "do you want to come out for brunch with us tomorrow?"
i said "yeah i will try"
but hes already told me the other day that sunday he wants to play games all afternoon
which is fair enough, its his weekend
but if hes hungover he isnt gonna see the morning and if i make the effort and come out for food i wont be with him for long before he wants to play games
so all in all i cant see the point in going out tomorrow
ill just see him monday at work
i took a lot of painkillers
double my usual intake like last night
as it numbed everything brilliantly
a small dark part of myself wanted to take more
so i fall asleep and not feel anything for a long while
but i know thats stupid and dangerous so im not
but thats where my mentally has been today
down and low and wanting to be numb to the world
hopefully tomorrow will be better
Konbanwa~~~
Another week completed!!
Im not sure how I got through today but I have
and it ends another school week
just have 8 more school days to go before summer holidays!
school went quick
but i got to school and realised my lunch - porridge - had leaked all in my bag...
this is the second time that container has leaked on me
so it went straight in the bin
it meant i had no lunch tho apart from some grapes :/
the milk went all over my lanyard and phone...
so i cleaned up my phone best i could but it restarted in my hand...
then when it rebooted it had a headphone icon on it like there was headphones in
but there wasnt...
so im guessing it was milk inside it so i left to drain but nothing came out
and eventually the icon did go
i washed my lanyard in the sink at work as it stunk of milk
I had heart dissections to sort which went alright
I had time to do display work and I have stuff to
put up now so next time Im free I can actually put it up!
i will be sure to take a before after shot i think
I left dead on time
i wanted to get home
i was sweaty in our 27c prep room
and i had also got pig's blood up my arms
i mean i washed it off but i did feel somewhat unclean you know
but it was good to finish and get everything done
i released the maggots into the wild as well
so i dont have to think about them
need to get more on monday tho :/
i got home
showered
then put my milky school bag in the wash
hand washed my lanyard
cleaned my phone properly
stupid milk stupid container
i sat up the garden with Oz mum and some food
then i took A LOT of pain killers, more so than yesterday
i wanted to be numb
then i went to sleep for an hour
woke up feeling well off my head XD
had dinner then i mentioned i wanted to change the piercing i had done on 4th may
my brother offered to help as it looked tricky and fiddly
im so glad for his help as it took 2 pairs of pliers would you believe!
it had seized up and he couldnt grip it
eventually it was out and he changed it for the rose gold wing i brought ages ago
he was so careful with me not wanting to hurt me
but i told he was fine and not to worry
takes a lot to hurt me
plus the fact i was on so much nerve numbing pills i probably couldnt feel anything
even if i wanted to!
so now i have a pretty wing on my ear :3
i just hope my hair doesnt get too tangled in it!
tomorrow
im dancing in the morning
then im gonna go pets at home to get Oz food and some treats
then not sure what i will do
maybe sleep?
i will see jack later afternoon then we have a lads night out to attend
i do have a strong feeling i will be the only female going out XD
but ive missed the last 3 nights out so id like to be able to attend
and thats it really
Evening~~
I slept pretty well
got up for school
same old really
school was busy
and hot
working in a 27c humid glass house isnt pleasant to say the least
i struggled today
mentally and physically
i didnt want my lunch but after being nagged by jack and julia i did eat
just felt sick with anxiety
i ached god i ached so much
i was finding it hard to think, i was tired, in pain and hot
i just wanted to go home
to be honest i think if the day had gone on any longer i would have cried
Jack asked me "is everything ok, you're not your usually bubbly self"
i said "i am ok im just tired and in pain"
he said "you know im here for you and if theres anything i can do just say ok?"
its nice hes there but god knows why he cares so much sometimes
i feel like im not deserving of the job sometimes, like he should have employed someone more sciency and healthy
i didnt have to deal with the maggots personally today so that was one good thing
and someone brought cake in so that was a good pick me up
i left at 4pm before i keeled over
driving home i cried a bit to myself
i ached and was so tired
i knew it was a yoga night
and i knew mum wanted to go and heck i wanted to go
i want to do things for myself instead of work and sleep
but i got home i changed into pajamas and cried
mum listened and was sad to see me like that
but i just hit a wall and had had enough
as much as i enjoy work it does feel like im punishing my body by going there
im so done in
i feel asleep and my brother woke me as my mum had gone yoga by herself
so i did some food and took A LOT of pain relief
i just wanted to be numb and to stop feeling
and it worked some what but i feel quite sick
i needed to continue with jack's mug
so i did a bit more on that
and ive come up with a potential design
im gonna show mum and look at it again tomorrow
tomorrow
is school
god only knows how i will get through the day
im coming home after school im not staying at jack's
i know hes missed gaming and not having the internet so im letting him
get it out his system
besides i probably need the rest
im hoping he rests as he didnt go to bed til 1am cus he was playing games
honestly
like a sodding teenager
we have a night out with the guys on saturday and ive missed the last 3 due to bad health so im hoping i can join him for that
just got to get tomorrow out the way
Evening~~~
Yesterday I was early for work
so I waited at the tram stop for Jack
we walked into the school grounds together and i moved a thorn bush out
my way with my bare hand
he pulled such a face
I said "whats up?"
he said "it had thorns on it!"
i said "yeah and?"
he said "what if it had hurt your hand?"
i said "its only a thorn bush and look im fine, you worry too much"
he said "what if you had cut your hand, saw blood and passed out outside the school gates"
i said "does your mind actually leap to that kinda thing?"
he seems to ask me a lot "do you not think or just not care what happens to you?"
bit of both I guess XD
nice having him look out for me tho
my day went well
it was probably the first day in a while i didnt actually feel faint!
i got through the day alright
the head of biology asked if i wanted company with going to fetch maggots
i said "no no im fine honest"
she was like "i dont mind"
jack said "yeah you two go together it will be good"
damn you jack for volunteering me like that >.>
ive never had a teacher in my car before XD
after school
i went food shopping with jack as we needed food for dinner
and also stuff for work like 40 oranges
and 40 oranges weighs a lot so i suggested to jack get them whilst i was driving instead of him carrying them on tram
then we went to his and i just relaxed in his pajamas
helped make dinner
then lazed
then he and theo wanted to watch some trashy program called "love island"
i went to bed
he crawled up to me an hour later
i woke up in the night, had the rape dream
not had it for a few weeks
it had a different spin on it this time,, really psychotically weird
i woke up panting and sweaty
jack asked if i was alright, i told him id had the rape dream
and he held me
it was a little strange having rape dream and waking up next to someone and hearing all the noises in his apartment i was struggling not scream to make it all go away
but i just listened to his heart beat and after a long while fell asleep
i woke up at 6am and had a shower
leaving jack half dead in bed as per usual
but getting ready together is nice i guess for school for a change
as we both dont have company in the morning as we're just up too early compared to those we live with
got to school and he was busy prepping stuff as he was leaving at 12:15pm to have the internet installed at his flat after waiting 3 months without it
yeah he and theo were well missing internet
mid morning i had to go out and get maggots...
i went with the teacher and it was fine
the shop stunk
my god i had no idea fishermen shops stunk that bad
and the guy got half a pint of maggots for us
just seeing them wriggle made my stomach flip
but after i looked at them for a few seconds i kinda got used to it i guess
we got back to school just in time for me to say bye to jack
leaving me in charge of the ship
whilst no one was looking i took a photo of the maggots
my job is pretty gross at times
i was sure to send this to my brother
he responded with "eat one"
i had a heart dissection to contend with but only 4 hearts were used
i went to see the art department for paper to paint on
i spoke to the art teacher for a while
she said i was welcome to come during year 7 art club at lunch tomorrow
so im gonna quietly slope off to that without anyone noticing hopefully!
i did some display work
i hope to do a before and after
cus my god the display work is seriously crap
chemistry want a lot of display work doing
my god so much work!
but its creative so im not complaining
i was ready to leave
cus it was sooooo hot and humid
i had sweated buckets
i got home and showered, again
i havent heard much from jack since hes been reunited with internet XD
i said "try not to watch too much porn"
he said "ill try not leave myself too drained"
so sick XD we have a sick sense of humour
and im not sure why i laugh at what he says as most girls would be repulsed
he finds it great i have such a weird and gross sense of humour
certainly not like other girls
i fell asleep for an hour
had dinner
and then saw my pets
mum wants to take millie vets as her skin is a bit dry and shes got two patches of fur missing which is odd and we hope molly hasnt pulled it out
ive had to order another hair dye tonight
as despite doing mine permanent, you cant even see it!!!
so ive tried another brand
school tomorrow
and hopefully yoga
suppose to rain tomorrow
im hoping that means it will be cooler and not just unbearably humid
Evening~~
Didn't do my diary yesterday as I didnt go on my laptop!
So yesterday Jack wanted me to see him
even if all we did was laze around he said
so after lunch i went over to his and we just laze around
he asked me if i was worried about the blood test results
i said "no i think i have gone past the stage of caring"
he said "how can you not care? does it not concern you?"
i said "no not really, ive accepted ill never be truly well so whats more health issues"
he worries more than i do
he made me dinner
i didnt want to leave
i felt crap
what i had to go back home to was taking medication i didnt want to take
and a blood test in the morning
im fed up of being sick and unwell
i told him i didnt wanna go home as i have the blood test in the morning
he offered for me to stay over but i knew it wouldnt make a difference
this morning i woke up
knowing what was gonna happen that morning
i felt sick
it felt weird not to getting up at 6am for work tho
blood test
i did so well
i remained conscious but getting up off the sofa thing i kinda went a bit then
but over all it didnt take as long as it has done in the past
so i came home had a sweet tea and biscuits and recovered
then went to work
didnt want to all i wanted to do was sleep
got to work and the first person i saw said "you look knackered"
good start
everyone asked me if i was feeling alright
guess i looked bad
i mean jack did say i looked like death
i felt like it too
a few times i felt like going home
i felt like i couldnt handle the day
i couldnt think straight
i wanted to cry
id had enough basically
but Jo stuck it out
jack kept me going as he knew how annoyed id be at myself if i gave in and went home
he also brought me white choc chip cookies to keep me going
i came home
undressed into pajamas
bed
woke up for dinner and ate that
then got stuff ready for school
and thats my life
work and sleep
tomorrow its school and same old really
