Heart in fridge

Evening

I only took my recommended dose of 75mg of pain killer last night
i laid there for 3 hours unable to sleep because of sheer pain
in the end i got up and sat with the tens machine
and went to bed at 12:30am
had a restless night and been awake since 5am
im so tired!

work was soooo boring
and it hasnt stopped raining all day
places are flooded 
so it was boring, dismal and depressing
i thought i was gonna have a busy day! turned out to be slow and easy
i mean i shouldnt complain but then i like to be busy
it passes the day

jack asked me yesterday if id stay over on wednesday
and in all honesty i didnt want to
but today he told me hes gonna cook dinner and stuff
and that its just the two of us as theo is back home with his mum
and jack was gonna see his mum tonight so he'd be free for wednesday
so i kinda felt like he was trying
and damn right he should too
so i feel i should maybe give him the chance to redeem himself
i just cant be arsed!
i will go over tho it will be alright i know it will
and be nice just the two of us

i went and fetched the heart after school
so i got to leave school early! result!
its in the fridge, in replacement of the maggots XD

i got home and did some dancing
i was sweating and very tired but i have to do these things
i left my sweaty jogging bottoms on my bedroom floor and later told mum a full description of them to which she was not impressed and said and i quote "i brought you up better than this" i put them in the wash bin, i only did it to annoy her

been getting stuff ready to sleep over to jack's
im so tired ive probably forgotten something but who cares
gone past the stage of caring

the few people ive told that ive overdosed
made a real big deal of it
and i kinda understand the reaction
but in a way i feel its an over reaction
or have i become detached?
i never once thought my life or health was at risk i just knew i could handle it and id be out of pain and even if things took a turn for the worse
it would be worth it
last night during the night i had so many self harm thoughts
i do worry for the day im not strong enough to fight them off and i go through with it
which is why today i made an appointment to see the doctor
but they cant get me in for another week surprise surprise

anyway tomorrow is a boring day at work
i have to get the tonne of stuff ready for A-level open evening tomorrow night
which will give me something to do
dont really want to handle the dead rat....and they best get rid of all the blood and heart and rat 
i am NOT cleaning that thursday morning

so i will go straight to jack's and spend the night with him
were gonna watch an anime dvd i brought "summer wars" we both havent seen it

i do plan on taking 150mg tonight tho
which is a dose i was once prescribed so i know i can do it safely
i told jack that i cant keep taking so much as i'll burn through my prescription
and he says "youre more bothered about running out of medication than you are about your own health and what youre doing with yourself."
he has been on my case about it

new thermal compression socks how exciting

Evening

I took 175mg of pain relief last night
felt quite good and i only felt a lil drugged up in the morning
still i know i shouldnt be taking these doses but ive gone past the stage of caring

i got up for work
work was long and dullllll
it was so boring
like no practicals for me so nothing to make up or clean up
dead boring
i was doing just odd jobs to pass the time really
i felt nervous in the morning as i didnt know how jack was gonna be with me
he was fine
he said he was sorry about the weekend
but in all honesty i couldnt be arsed with him
yes i could have let him have it right there in the prep room
but i just couldnt be bothered
i just said "its ok" and walked off
but i have been off with him all day
ive felt pretty fed up all day if im honest
ive talked with staff about anything and everything just to pass the time

and behold tomorrow
i have back to back practicals!!!!
why cant it balance out
also tuesday is suppose to be my quiet day, it seems the only lessons i have on are typically practical lessons, also its the first week of science club but im leaving early to go collect a lamb's heart from the butcher. i left early today to go collect maggots which are currently residing in our garage fridge much to my mother's disgust 
tomorrow there will be a lambs heart in there instead
the joys of biology

so tomorrow looks full on
gonna be shattered but at least i wont be bored
i did put up a halloween display which looks good and i got praised for too ^^

i came home - early
which was nice i have to say even if it was only by half hour
i complained to mum about my pain and wanting to die as i had enough
i cried a bit
im so low lately i dont know whats up with me
but i could quite easily give up and curl up and not wake up
ive about had enough of my life

we got a txt from Nigel my acupuncturist at the weekend
he's back!!
he went travelling with his wife last year and was suppose to not come back
but hes back! and doing appointments!
so ive booked to see him friday
it will be so good to see him again
and im hoping he can help me with my pain

ive brought these from japan, very expensive £20 each
thermal compression socks 

for when it gets colder
i had a pair last year and they were good

lets get tomorrow done with
jack wants me to stay over on wednesday night
but i cant be bothered

It's just been a rough week

Evening

I havent been doing my diary, i know
things have just been so bad this week
i hit rock bottom
i was so low
in so much pain
and had almost given up
i didnt want to go to work
its just been awful it really has

my week at work was alright, a lil slow at times
and tiring
a few times i was just in so much pain all i wanted to do was cry and go home
i cried when i got home on monday tuesday wednesday
i slept a lot
i wasnt sleeping at night
so i was tired for work

jack i could tell was concerned and said we'd do something at the weekend
something good and something to make me smile
we arranged to go to derby on saturday
we were to meet up at 10:30am
i hadnt slept well, but i got up, did some yoga to help myself, got my stuff together and did my hair and make up all ready to go
he didnt wake up til 12pm...
it hurt
he was the one who was gonna try make stuff better. he isnt late for the things he wants to do, he doesnt let other people down but he let me down
he said he was sorry and asked if i was still coming over
i said "i dont know if i can be bothered if im honest"
im always the one doing all the running around and id had enough
so i didnt see him nor did i txt him
he doesnt put any effort into the relationship at all
i love him but he needs to try and work at it
as at the moment i feel its always always me

so i put all my stuff away, took my make up and went to bed
i was so low at this point
i just didnt want to feel anything

i got up and did some dancing
and went back to bed
night time came and i was crying again as i was hurting both physically and mentally
so i went from taking 0mg of my pain relief to 225mg + a sleeping tablet
id gone past the stage of caring if i woke up in the morning
mum came to see me when i went to bed and asked what id taken
i considered lying to her so she wouldnt worry but i told the truth
she was worried and said i shouldnt do things like that and to wake her in the night if i didnt feel well. 
i ended up sleeping for 12 hours
it was amazing
i woke up feeling well off my face
i was so drugged up it was brilliant
mum said she'd poked her head round my door this morning to see if i was still breathing XD
i said "i might have been in a coma"
she said "i had considered this actually"

so today i have felt better cus of the sheer amount i took
i plan to take 100mg tonight
no sleeping tablet tho
i did 50 mins of straight dancing i was dripping
i managed to finish Monogatari's For me
as i love love that song :D but my dance needs work
i did 30 mins of yoga
altered the painting i did last week
sorted out my laptop finally 
did some paper work that ive been putting off
so yeah i got a bit achieved today

not heard from jack today
let him feel like hes in the dog house
i will be professional tomorrow tho at work

and thats it really
i have come to realise that i do infact need my pain relief
i talked it over with my parents and yeah i need them
i hate hate hate admitting that
when ive come so far in coming off them
but if i need to continue to poison my self with them then so be it
ive got an appointment to see a back pain specialist ive been waiting to see since april
that will be in october and so will my hip xray
and i hope to get other appointments so i can sort out pain relief
as i have no life at the moment
overdosing seems to be my only joy
and that in its self is sad

Tick Tock Painting

Evening

I woke up at 8am
my god the state of my bed...what had i been doing in my sleep!?
bottom sheet was off, the duvet pulled away from the wall and frame, plushes everywhere and on the floor, it was a mess
god knows what i had been doing

i got up and went to put pets out but it started raining
and rained all morning
i was gonna see mia at 10am but she rang to say rob's parents had invited themselves over
and would i mind coming over later as its not the same as you cant talk how you normally want to in front of parents. that was fine with me as all i was doing today was painting
which i can say i have finished!!

its alright i guess
i just dont feel im improving
i asked jack if he thinks the art teacher at school would mind giving me some pointers 
so i might take my sketchbook in tomorrow

after i finished painting
i feel asleep, woke up and went mias for a few hours
met walter the whippet
who was like Bambi, his muscles havent developed so he cant do what he wants to do
its very sweet but he will soon grow and develop that im sure
todd was there too who was asleep on the sofa the entire time
its good hes being so good with walter what with him being such an old dog

i left there and had dinner when i came home
rolled around in pain for a bit
my god i ache
and im hoping its cus i havent done any exercise today or that i did a lot of exercise yesterday
i could not be bothered to do anything tho
im tired so tired and in pain
its hard to do anything
but somehow i forced myself to go for a walk then did a bit of yoga
cant say i feel much better so i might treat myself to some pain killers tonight
im on my last week of medication!
literally counting the days
days until im free
free after 9 years of poisoning myself with them
i need to celebrate when im off them

cant wait for my bed
im gonna sit with oz and do my nails and go bed
ive had enough

tomorrow is school
ive got such a busy day at that
ive gotta be on it tomorrow otherwise i could easily make a lot of bad mistakes
got all the compost in my car to take out too
wish me luck

new eye shadows

Evening

yesterday was work
it wasnt too bad a bit boring at times
my god my monday looks hectic i dont want to go
i made up the chemicals i wasnt looking forward to doing
took me a while and i had to use maths, i made mess but i did it
a little achievement as i didnt need any help
jack wrote what chemicals i needed, julia helped me find them
and off i went 
theyre in the fridge now ready to be used
i wrote down instructions for me next time so i know what im doing
jack was being his usual jerky self and says stuff to me in front of staff
its amazing how many members of staff back me up tho to say hes been there years
before me everyone takes my side
he told me after i'd left that head of physics had said "you've got to stop being so mean to jo"
jack was like "yeah ok i will" XD
everyone likes jo~

i came home as we'd got plans to go out with
rebecca and alan in the evening
so i got ready and it turned out that alan couldnt spare the time
so the evening was cancelled
but jack text me to say we could still go out
and thats what we did
we went for an amazing pizza
we were gonna go for dessert afterwards but we both agreed that we 
would only be forcing it down ourselves
so we went home, intent to watch a film
we sat talking with theo a while
then laid on his bed and he fell asleep
i asked him if he was tired and he said "no no im fine" sleepily 
so i left him it was 11pm and i went to take tablets and get ready for bed
i came back half an hour later to find he was just gone
light was on, he was dressed and hadnt done his teeth
i just turned off the light and crawled into bed and cuddled the snorlax plush
jack didnt stir much so yeah he was obviously tired

in the morning
god he took ages to motivate
hes worse than a woman to get out the house
we spent time on his bed tho cuddling up which was nice as we havent done that in a few weeks as we havent met up and we dont touch each other at work
i said "i cuddled snorlax all night"
he said "i know...if he had a strap on then you could just replace me with him"
i laughed 
and he said "Straplax"
i died at this just laughing
i said "dont give him a porn star name! youre ruining him!"
he was laughing
he said "next time you're over straplax will just be waiting on the bed with a strap on on"
i went upstairs and told theo
and he said "what dont you want to explore straplax's 15 inches?"
i said "15 inches!?" 
theo said "look jo we've talked him down to 15 inches"
i was laughing so much
and then they were both googling strap ons....
just ew
the things that exist in this world is grim
but poor snorlax

we eventually left for the garden centre as i needed stuff for work
and got all i needed 
then i took him to a different garden centre so he could get a plant for his nan
then he said "theo has harvey over, shall we go for dessert?"
i said "im not fussed i need to do a walk or exercise"
he said "we cant do both as harvey goes at 4pm"
i could tell he wanted to see his friends and i kinda needed space to myself
so i dropped him off, he was sad i wasnt spending time with him and his friends
but we didnt get out til 1pm cus he was faffing so id wasted half my saturday
and walking round busy hot city centre going for a dessert i didnt want didnt sound like my idea of a good way to spend a precious weekend
so i dropped him off
came home
danced for an hour
then went for a walk as it was so sunny and had a lovely warm breeze
i came back and my brother came home
i was laying on the brick wall in the garden
it was a much better way to spend my time
such freedom to do what i want
i had a shower, pajamas and laid on my bed

im really tired now tho i have to say
cant wait for bed

tomorrow i had been invited to go birmingham with jack and his family for his nan and mums birthday but ive played 'happy families' with my own family years ago and found it boring and i dont want to waste my sunday
that may seem selfish but even jack has told me not to go as its gonna be boring
he doesnt want to go
he said "theyre more bothered if youre going than if im going!"
i laughed
also, sitting for almost 2 hours in the car to birmingham, then sitting round his nans, then sitting for almost 2 hours coming home in the evening and having work in the morning
is a BIG ask for me
im gonna be in such pain and i told jack that he said "really, dont come"
so instead im going to finish my painting i started last weekend
im soooo looking forward to it i have to say!
but before i can paint im seeing mia in the morning
im meeting her new Whippet puppy she got on friday
shes named it Walter....
walter whippet
should be cute anyway

i keep watching the dance for dreamcatcher's breaking out
its so hard but i want the challenge

i got a new make up eye shadow pallet from USA this week
not used it yet but i can not wait to have ago with some of these colours!!!

now molly at the vets

Konbanwa

last night we noticed molly had a bit of a wet eye
we checked and couldnt see anything
we said we would see how it was in the morning

another morning of not needing the alarm
honestly
i woke up at 5:40am so not too bad for me really

work
my god work
god did i screw up big style this morning
it was one thing after another 
never ending
but i got there in the end
i sat outside during lunch by myself as it was sunny
i soon left as soon at it hit 4pm
left the prep room floor to dry as i mopped it
it was so dirty

i was sooooooo tired
i was even tempted to come home this afternoon as i just felt off and tired
but stuck it out, i was glad to get home
mum had taken molly mole to the vets
shes got an eye infection so ive got to give her drops twice a day
poor molly
mum is fed up of vet bills ><
i hope Oz doesnt make it the third pet at the vets this month!

i started falling asleep on the sofa
and said i wasnt going yoga even tho mum had gotten ready
id had enough
i was tired and in a lot of pain
dad said "go you bone idle git"
fine yeesh
so i dragged myself there
it was hard work but somehow i did it

now im truly ready for bed
im dead
i hope i get through tomorrow
cant wait for weekend tho i have to say
need time to recover after my week

tomorrow its just work
got some practicals to prep for next week ones im not certain about
but jack says he'd help me
this afternoon was slow at work i hope tomorrow goes quickly enough
see how molly is tomorrow
Oz sniffed her on my knee but didnt lick her
he always liked millie
misses millie

i ordered a hip brace, should come next week
give it a go i guess
yet more money wasted on health care products

molly' first day alone

Evening


ahhh soooo tired
ive been up since 4:30am as thats the time i woke up
and i knew i wouldnt get back off to sleep

school was alright
same old but i was able to stay on top if it all
spilt hot tea all over me and my lab coat
i hope my lab coat will wash out >< 
i need to bring it home for a wash
good job i was wearing it other wise i would have burned myself a lot worse
but yeah i did alright at work
a few hot and cold sweats but its to be expected

i got home and we had molly out
mum said she's been alright today bless her
and mum has said shes not sure whether she wants more pigs or not
so yeah we shall see

i fell asleep for an hour
i was shattered i really was
i still am i havent done a single thing since i got home
no walk or exercise or anything 
just too tired and worn out to even think

i cant stay over at jacks at the weekend
i can tell its annoying him now - theo and his loud sex woman
cus its not fair on jack and its stopping me staying over too
hes on about buying speakers for his computer and blasting out gross porn next time theo and his woman are at it XD 

i had to take one of my new piercings out my lobe as it hurt and was very sore
so i took it out and slept for an hour when i woke up it had healed round the back...
that fast! 
so i had to force and i mean force, an earring through
it was sooo painful like worse than getting it actually pierced
good job im good with pain
it bled a bit but it should be alright now

got through half the week
i can see the rest of the week through im sure
i want to continue with my painting
school and yoga tomorrow