New Car New Pigs

Evening

I haven't stopped since 6am and its 8:30pm
im shattered! i actually feel unwell im that tired

anyway today~

Work was busy
had loads to do as usual
but i got it done and actually got praise from head of biology and head of science ^^
jo works hard

i left work, got home and got changed
i took all the little cute trimmings out my car (soon to be old car)
went out to Nigel's for acupuncture 
i havent seen him in a whole year since he's been abroad
so it was good to see him
he said "i didnt miss my clients, but i thought about you, although you're probably not gonna believe that are you"
i said "i am entertaining i give you something to laugh at right"
he said "no no, its your spirit and energy i like"
so i thought that was nice of him to say
i was totally squirming tho having acupuncture god i was so bad with it
i still feel like i have got needles in ><

i left nigel's and had a shower
then had dinner, and then went to pets at home with mum
she had been earlier in the day and txt me during work saying they had cute babies in
so we got there with 30mins before closing time
they had a few female babies
we have decided its got to be a baby as we are struggling to rehome and the longer we leave molly alone the harder it will be for her to accept another pig in her cage and her life
so anyway the baby girls they had was:
tri-coloured with a crown
fawny grey all over
white with a black bit covering the face
light tri-colour
white fluffy with red eyes
mum liked the tri-coloured with the crown but i didnt
i also didnt think much to the fawn one
i didnt like the white with black on as it reminded me of a rat somehow
but the light tri-colour was so cute and reminded me of millie
but i also loved the scruffy white one my god shes fluffy and scruffy
so we held the two i liked as mum liked the same two i liked
and we decided to get both
BUT we havent actually got them yet
we will go and collect them in the morning, we will go as soon as the shop opens up as we couldnt reserve them.
but my god theyre cute
they actually are so cute 
morning feels a long way off!
i will be sure to show them off!!!

i got back and sorted out my car insurance
and got the tax ready to do in the morning
and now doing my diary
im tired!
mum bless her had spent two hours cleaning my new car for me whilst i was at work
i didnt ask her to of course
but that was so nice of her
saves me a massive job
my car is lovely i really do like it
and i  dont think ive ever said that about my previous 4 cars
i was just grateful for a vehicle 
but this one is nice ^^

i was suppose to be going derby tomorrow with jack
but instead the day is going to molly and her new girls
i plan on doing the bonding
mum isnt very good at it
shes too skittish
but we've gone from rehoming an older pig for molly to potentially buying her two babies 

tomorrow will be fun im sure
two soft new baby pigs!
right im gonna go crash on sofa with Oz

new car tomorrow

Konbanwa~~~

My god yesterday at work was manic
no one told me or warned me they hard big practicals coming up!
ones i havent done before >< so i was a lil stressed
but got everything done much to my amazement
i got shed loads done yesterday
i was about dead

after work i went to jack's
we had food and cuddles and talked about stuff
he brought up saturday and yeah i could tell it had been on his mind
and too right
so we sorted that out without arguing or anything
id gone past the stage of caring anyway
then mia rang me and we talked for a bit
and we went to bed for 11pm

we went to school
and school wasnt too bad
head of biology gave me a chocolate orange ^^ think it was her
way of saying thanks for all the help with open evening
cus i did so much running around
it was just really cold today i wore my lab coat all day
so many people like my lab coat cus its got lace and bows on it X3
i had do an important practical today and a 10 min job took me an hour
as i was trying to get it right
i had to use a spray that gives cancer literally 
not nice stuff so i had to be careful with that
and solvent that burn
just a nasty practical for biology but only 3 more classes have to do it this year ^^
me and jack obviously had the same lunch as he made me lunch
but we managed to eat without anyone being there so no one noticed and therefor couldnt ask or say anything as it did look strange XD
still not everyone knows about us in the science department 
despite it being almost nine months now!

i came back and sat with Oz and mum
missed my Ozwald
then we went yoga but we had a supply who we have had before once shes ok but holds things for a long time, my hips cracked loads i doubt i will be able to walk tomorrow -___-
mum made brownies today so that was nice to come home to

tomorrow is school and friday
so i just gotta get that outta the way
but also i get my new car tomorrow!!!
mum is also going pets at home to look at baby pigs
as were not having a lot of look with rehoming shelters 
we were gonna go rehoming shelter on saturday but the lady doesnt have many females she says
so yeah
we shall see

Heart in fridge

Evening

I only took my recommended dose of 75mg of pain killer last night
i laid there for 3 hours unable to sleep because of sheer pain
in the end i got up and sat with the tens machine
and went to bed at 12:30am
had a restless night and been awake since 5am
im so tired!

work was soooo boring
and it hasnt stopped raining all day
places are flooded 
so it was boring, dismal and depressing
i thought i was gonna have a busy day! turned out to be slow and easy
i mean i shouldnt complain but then i like to be busy
it passes the day

jack asked me yesterday if id stay over on wednesday
and in all honesty i didnt want to
but today he told me hes gonna cook dinner and stuff
and that its just the two of us as theo is back home with his mum
and jack was gonna see his mum tonight so he'd be free for wednesday
so i kinda felt like he was trying
and damn right he should too
so i feel i should maybe give him the chance to redeem himself
i just cant be arsed!
i will go over tho it will be alright i know it will
and be nice just the two of us

i went and fetched the heart after school
so i got to leave school early! result!
its in the fridge, in replacement of the maggots XD

i got home and did some dancing
i was sweating and very tired but i have to do these things
i left my sweaty jogging bottoms on my bedroom floor and later told mum a full description of them to which she was not impressed and said and i quote "i brought you up better than this" i put them in the wash bin, i only did it to annoy her

been getting stuff ready to sleep over to jack's
im so tired ive probably forgotten something but who cares
gone past the stage of caring

the few people ive told that ive overdosed
made a real big deal of it
and i kinda understand the reaction
but in a way i feel its an over reaction
or have i become detached?
i never once thought my life or health was at risk i just knew i could handle it and id be out of pain and even if things took a turn for the worse
it would be worth it
last night during the night i had so many self harm thoughts
i do worry for the day im not strong enough to fight them off and i go through with it
which is why today i made an appointment to see the doctor
but they cant get me in for another week surprise surprise

anyway tomorrow is a boring day at work
i have to get the tonne of stuff ready for A-level open evening tomorrow night
which will give me something to do
dont really want to handle the dead rat....and they best get rid of all the blood and heart and rat 
i am NOT cleaning that thursday morning

so i will go straight to jack's and spend the night with him
were gonna watch an anime dvd i brought "summer wars" we both havent seen it

i do plan on taking 150mg tonight tho
which is a dose i was once prescribed so i know i can do it safely
i told jack that i cant keep taking so much as i'll burn through my prescription
and he says "youre more bothered about running out of medication than you are about your own health and what youre doing with yourself."
he has been on my case about it

new thermal compression socks how exciting

Evening

I took 175mg of pain relief last night
felt quite good and i only felt a lil drugged up in the morning
still i know i shouldnt be taking these doses but ive gone past the stage of caring

i got up for work
work was long and dullllll
it was so boring
like no practicals for me so nothing to make up or clean up
dead boring
i was doing just odd jobs to pass the time really
i felt nervous in the morning as i didnt know how jack was gonna be with me
he was fine
he said he was sorry about the weekend
but in all honesty i couldnt be arsed with him
yes i could have let him have it right there in the prep room
but i just couldnt be bothered
i just said "its ok" and walked off
but i have been off with him all day
ive felt pretty fed up all day if im honest
ive talked with staff about anything and everything just to pass the time

and behold tomorrow
i have back to back practicals!!!!
why cant it balance out
also tuesday is suppose to be my quiet day, it seems the only lessons i have on are typically practical lessons, also its the first week of science club but im leaving early to go collect a lamb's heart from the butcher. i left early today to go collect maggots which are currently residing in our garage fridge much to my mother's disgust 
tomorrow there will be a lambs heart in there instead
the joys of biology

so tomorrow looks full on
gonna be shattered but at least i wont be bored
i did put up a halloween display which looks good and i got praised for too ^^

i came home - early
which was nice i have to say even if it was only by half hour
i complained to mum about my pain and wanting to die as i had enough
i cried a bit
im so low lately i dont know whats up with me
but i could quite easily give up and curl up and not wake up
ive about had enough of my life

we got a txt from Nigel my acupuncturist at the weekend
he's back!!
he went travelling with his wife last year and was suppose to not come back
but hes back! and doing appointments!
so ive booked to see him friday
it will be so good to see him again
and im hoping he can help me with my pain

ive brought these from japan, very expensive £20 each
thermal compression socks 

for when it gets colder
i had a pair last year and they were good

lets get tomorrow done with
jack wants me to stay over on wednesday night
but i cant be bothered

It's just been a rough week

Evening

I havent been doing my diary, i know
things have just been so bad this week
i hit rock bottom
i was so low
in so much pain
and had almost given up
i didnt want to go to work
its just been awful it really has

my week at work was alright, a lil slow at times
and tiring
a few times i was just in so much pain all i wanted to do was cry and go home
i cried when i got home on monday tuesday wednesday
i slept a lot
i wasnt sleeping at night
so i was tired for work

jack i could tell was concerned and said we'd do something at the weekend
something good and something to make me smile
we arranged to go to derby on saturday
we were to meet up at 10:30am
i hadnt slept well, but i got up, did some yoga to help myself, got my stuff together and did my hair and make up all ready to go
he didnt wake up til 12pm...
it hurt
he was the one who was gonna try make stuff better. he isnt late for the things he wants to do, he doesnt let other people down but he let me down
he said he was sorry and asked if i was still coming over
i said "i dont know if i can be bothered if im honest"
im always the one doing all the running around and id had enough
so i didnt see him nor did i txt him
he doesnt put any effort into the relationship at all
i love him but he needs to try and work at it
as at the moment i feel its always always me

so i put all my stuff away, took my make up and went to bed
i was so low at this point
i just didnt want to feel anything

i got up and did some dancing
and went back to bed
night time came and i was crying again as i was hurting both physically and mentally
so i went from taking 0mg of my pain relief to 225mg + a sleeping tablet
id gone past the stage of caring if i woke up in the morning
mum came to see me when i went to bed and asked what id taken
i considered lying to her so she wouldnt worry but i told the truth
she was worried and said i shouldnt do things like that and to wake her in the night if i didnt feel well. 
i ended up sleeping for 12 hours
it was amazing
i woke up feeling well off my face
i was so drugged up it was brilliant
mum said she'd poked her head round my door this morning to see if i was still breathing XD
i said "i might have been in a coma"
she said "i had considered this actually"

so today i have felt better cus of the sheer amount i took
i plan to take 100mg tonight
no sleeping tablet tho
i did 50 mins of straight dancing i was dripping
i managed to finish Monogatari's For me
as i love love that song :D but my dance needs work
i did 30 mins of yoga
altered the painting i did last week
sorted out my laptop finally 
did some paper work that ive been putting off
so yeah i got a bit achieved today

not heard from jack today
let him feel like hes in the dog house
i will be professional tomorrow tho at work

and thats it really
i have come to realise that i do infact need my pain relief
i talked it over with my parents and yeah i need them
i hate hate hate admitting that
when ive come so far in coming off them
but if i need to continue to poison my self with them then so be it
ive got an appointment to see a back pain specialist ive been waiting to see since april
that will be in october and so will my hip xray
and i hope to get other appointments so i can sort out pain relief
as i have no life at the moment
overdosing seems to be my only joy
and that in its self is sad

Tick Tock Painting

Evening

I woke up at 8am
my god the state of my bed...what had i been doing in my sleep!?
bottom sheet was off, the duvet pulled away from the wall and frame, plushes everywhere and on the floor, it was a mess
god knows what i had been doing

i got up and went to put pets out but it started raining
and rained all morning
i was gonna see mia at 10am but she rang to say rob's parents had invited themselves over
and would i mind coming over later as its not the same as you cant talk how you normally want to in front of parents. that was fine with me as all i was doing today was painting
which i can say i have finished!!

its alright i guess
i just dont feel im improving
i asked jack if he thinks the art teacher at school would mind giving me some pointers 
so i might take my sketchbook in tomorrow

after i finished painting
i feel asleep, woke up and went mias for a few hours
met walter the whippet
who was like Bambi, his muscles havent developed so he cant do what he wants to do
its very sweet but he will soon grow and develop that im sure
todd was there too who was asleep on the sofa the entire time
its good hes being so good with walter what with him being such an old dog

i left there and had dinner when i came home
rolled around in pain for a bit
my god i ache
and im hoping its cus i havent done any exercise today or that i did a lot of exercise yesterday
i could not be bothered to do anything tho
im tired so tired and in pain
its hard to do anything
but somehow i forced myself to go for a walk then did a bit of yoga
cant say i feel much better so i might treat myself to some pain killers tonight
im on my last week of medication!
literally counting the days
days until im free
free after 9 years of poisoning myself with them
i need to celebrate when im off them

cant wait for my bed
im gonna sit with oz and do my nails and go bed
ive had enough

tomorrow is school
ive got such a busy day at that
ive gotta be on it tomorrow otherwise i could easily make a lot of bad mistakes
got all the compost in my car to take out too
wish me luck

new eye shadows

Evening

yesterday was work
it wasnt too bad a bit boring at times
my god my monday looks hectic i dont want to go
i made up the chemicals i wasnt looking forward to doing
took me a while and i had to use maths, i made mess but i did it
a little achievement as i didnt need any help
jack wrote what chemicals i needed, julia helped me find them
and off i went 
theyre in the fridge now ready to be used
i wrote down instructions for me next time so i know what im doing
jack was being his usual jerky self and says stuff to me in front of staff
its amazing how many members of staff back me up tho to say hes been there years
before me everyone takes my side
he told me after i'd left that head of physics had said "you've got to stop being so mean to jo"
jack was like "yeah ok i will" XD
everyone likes jo~

i came home as we'd got plans to go out with
rebecca and alan in the evening
so i got ready and it turned out that alan couldnt spare the time
so the evening was cancelled
but jack text me to say we could still go out
and thats what we did
we went for an amazing pizza
we were gonna go for dessert afterwards but we both agreed that we 
would only be forcing it down ourselves
so we went home, intent to watch a film
we sat talking with theo a while
then laid on his bed and he fell asleep
i asked him if he was tired and he said "no no im fine" sleepily 
so i left him it was 11pm and i went to take tablets and get ready for bed
i came back half an hour later to find he was just gone
light was on, he was dressed and hadnt done his teeth
i just turned off the light and crawled into bed and cuddled the snorlax plush
jack didnt stir much so yeah he was obviously tired

in the morning
god he took ages to motivate
hes worse than a woman to get out the house
we spent time on his bed tho cuddling up which was nice as we havent done that in a few weeks as we havent met up and we dont touch each other at work
i said "i cuddled snorlax all night"
he said "i know...if he had a strap on then you could just replace me with him"
i laughed 
and he said "Straplax"
i died at this just laughing
i said "dont give him a porn star name! youre ruining him!"
he was laughing
he said "next time you're over straplax will just be waiting on the bed with a strap on on"
i went upstairs and told theo
and he said "what dont you want to explore straplax's 15 inches?"
i said "15 inches!?" 
theo said "look jo we've talked him down to 15 inches"
i was laughing so much
and then they were both googling strap ons....
just ew
the things that exist in this world is grim
but poor snorlax

we eventually left for the garden centre as i needed stuff for work
and got all i needed 
then i took him to a different garden centre so he could get a plant for his nan
then he said "theo has harvey over, shall we go for dessert?"
i said "im not fussed i need to do a walk or exercise"
he said "we cant do both as harvey goes at 4pm"
i could tell he wanted to see his friends and i kinda needed space to myself
so i dropped him off, he was sad i wasnt spending time with him and his friends
but we didnt get out til 1pm cus he was faffing so id wasted half my saturday
and walking round busy hot city centre going for a dessert i didnt want didnt sound like my idea of a good way to spend a precious weekend
so i dropped him off
came home
danced for an hour
then went for a walk as it was so sunny and had a lovely warm breeze
i came back and my brother came home
i was laying on the brick wall in the garden
it was a much better way to spend my time
such freedom to do what i want
i had a shower, pajamas and laid on my bed

im really tired now tho i have to say
cant wait for bed

tomorrow i had been invited to go birmingham with jack and his family for his nan and mums birthday but ive played 'happy families' with my own family years ago and found it boring and i dont want to waste my sunday
that may seem selfish but even jack has told me not to go as its gonna be boring
he doesnt want to go
he said "theyre more bothered if youre going than if im going!"
i laughed
also, sitting for almost 2 hours in the car to birmingham, then sitting round his nans, then sitting for almost 2 hours coming home in the evening and having work in the morning
is a BIG ask for me
im gonna be in such pain and i told jack that he said "really, dont come"
so instead im going to finish my painting i started last weekend
im soooo looking forward to it i have to say!
but before i can paint im seeing mia in the morning
im meeting her new Whippet puppy she got on friday
shes named it Walter....
walter whippet
should be cute anyway

i keep watching the dance for dreamcatcher's breaking out
its so hard but i want the challenge

i got a new make up eye shadow pallet from USA this week
not used it yet but i can not wait to have ago with some of these colours!!!