Pokemon Terrarium + secret santa

Evening

I think I slept well

I felt shattered when I woke up

and I looked at my bed...it was just in a ball

god only knows what id been doing in my sleep

had i rested at all?

I got to school and started taking all the lessons out

reminding teachers that Jo was captain of the ship today ;)

everyone had faith in me and a couple even said "thought you're normally the one in charge"

then jack waltzed in at 8:40am 

he wanted a microscope to take with him but soon realised it was beyond fixing so didnt bother taking it. he asked if i was staying over tonight but i told him i hadnt brought my stuff. I didnt want to come out with "no i dont want to" as it felt a bit harsh for that time of the day XD

i told him not to bother coming back as he didnt have a microscope to return 

he left at 9am

and that was that

Jo was in charge

but my god the day ended up being busy...i was so tired by the end of it

just people wanting stuff and julia was that snowed under she actually asked for help for once

i keep telling her to ask me if she wants help as i dont mind

didnt get much of a lunch break ether, i had so many disturbances that in the end i was so annoyed that i just kept working 

i cleared loads of crap cus my god the previous technician was a horder. no other word for it

and i cant always throw stuff away with jack there cus he can be just as bad

so i tend to clear out when hes out the way

it looks better tho

jack turned up at 3pm

with a bag full of 'goodies' i mean it wasnt anything i would call 'good'

but he was happy

yet more junk

and literally the space id cleared on the tables -- to work on

he emptied his stuff on...i told him "Ive cleaned that today!!" he did clear up

but hes now got to find places for all the junk hes been given

he told me he'd brought food for tonight for the both of us

but in fairness i never actually said id stay over i simply replied 'maybe' so i didnt feel bad

im not dropping everything for him

we walked out of school and he said i looked shattered i think he was thinking that we could go grab my stuff and have a sleep over at his but yeah i think he looked at my face and thought again

Jo was tired

he thanked me for covering for him tho

we did secret santa at work today

we pulled names from a science beaker 

I got head of science, course i did -___- but i have an idea of what to do

we cant spend anymore that £10

Jack pulled one out and was happy and then said "actually no this makes things harder"

im under the feeling he's pulled me for some reason

but we shall see

i have never actually taken part in secret santa before

tomorrow its work

so fed up of work

want a break to do crafty stuff

and then i yoga with karen to face.....

jack txt me tonight saying he's missing me

should hope so

i know hes gaming online tho so he can soon the void

i keep telling him hes gaming a lot

im not sure when we will meet up as i have a lot of art and craft to do

so my weekend looks booked up

here's the pokemon terrarium i made and its still at work

Fang the Bat

Evening

I slept a bit better last night
still woke up but it was without the nightmares at least
sat with Ozwald this morning
last night he was falling asleep on my knee it was very cute
he was tired bunny
but he was fine this morning

school was dull
had 2 practicals on in the whole day
so i helped julia with the washing up, again
i didnt mind
jack came in and said I looked like I needed cheering up
and presented me with this little guy~

Isn't he cute!!!! I love him!
jack brought him the same time he brought Luna the mini pumpkin 
he was saving the bat for christmas but thought id like him now
I have named him Fang as i like his little fangs
very cute and I've put him with Cosmo the bat plush i brought from convention
another gift came my way today as well
a computer!!!
despite there being 3 technicians, we've only ever had 2 computers
and whilst jack is on his A LOT me and julia share one but i always give it to her
as im never doing much on it anyway and computers hold little interest to me
but i asked chris - the IT technician very nicely for a computer
and today he delivered!
the computer its self and monitor are second hand but he gave me a brand new mouse and key board!! so i dont have to use one used by gross children, he also put an SSD in it so its far faster and actually functions unlike jack's and julia's but ssshhh they dont know that! he also kindly put photoshop and the whole lot of Adobe on there for me *0* i was grateful
i put up a display - well the start of one
its for science club and i got praised by head of science for all my display work ^^
i had science club at the end of the day
its always chaos but makes that final hour go quick

i came home and had a brew with Oz and mum
after id found Oz that was
he didnt want to go home it would seem

then i went for a walk
had dinner
and then cut out the remaining 4 guineas i need to make
so i feel ive achieved something with my time tonight
i got distracted as well with watching dances XD 
i'll sit with Oz and get to bed

tomorrow is school
and look who is captain of the fleet tomorrow ;)
jack is at some technician meet up thing so im in charge
he says im not but we all know I AM X3
he INSISTS on coming in in the morning and at the end of the day
god only knows why as i know i sure as hell wouldnt
but anyway
so i will see him at some point im sure
he wants me to stay over tomorrow but im not in the mood
id just rather not at the moment but havent quite broke that news to him yet...

i have a feeling tomorrow will ether be really hectic or really slow...
we shall see

Terrarium

Evening

I was so shattered last night
I had a restless night
and I woke up at 5am from a nightmare that consisted of torturing humans...
so much  blood...
when i saw they were about to start on woman and children thats when i woke up
being witness to that and not being able to help was horrid
i was sweaty when i woke up and knew i was getting up at 6am anyway
so i laid awake and got up at 5:45am
got ready as usual and sat with Ozwald who still doesnt understand
its hard to feed myself AND stroke him XD

school was soooooo boring
i just didnt want to be there
i took one look at head of biology and thought "you know love you're not worth my time and effort, i can not even be bothered to talk about you"
so i didnt bring it up i simply thought 'ill have her next time she talks to me like crap'
i had no practicals on today T^T so that makes my day go slow
chris said he'd deliver my computer today but he didnt >< 
i did my first terrarium and put it on the windowsill for all to see
everyone liked it ^^
i helped julia with the washing up as she had shed loads
i moped around
i wasnt in the mood to be happy for people cus i wasnt feeling happy if i was honest
jack could tell there was an issue but i told him to his face i didnt want to talk about it
he later on tried to prise out of me what was up
i told him id had a meltdown on sunday and felt crap about life in general and that i wanted to overdose and give in. i didnt mention anything to do with him as it wasnt the time
i couldnt wait for the end of the day. i left dead on time
but awful traffic greeted me :/

i got home to find the girls were in the hall
fearless truffle came trotting all the way to my feet! shes just not afraid of anything
she was being a pest and kept getting told off by molly XD
i had truffle and tillie on my lap then Oz was on the sofa
he came running over and truffle walked off, course she did, she doesnt have time for cuddles. Oz began grooming Tillie and tillie talked to him whilst he did it, truffle came over and casually bit one of Oz's whiskers off!! Oz growled to warn her but wasnt aggressive cus my god he could have had her if he wanted to but hes too soft and loves his sows
i moved truffle away were then she proceeded to walk over tillie. course she did
when we put the three in the box to go home you could see and hear molly giving truffle a good telling off XD naughty child. molly has her hands full with that one

i did some yoga and had dinner
then did a bit of dancing
looked through a manga book as i might draw a page from a manga

Jack wants me over on weds but i dont want to go over
im not in the mood
i dont want to be touched or hugged or anything
i know ive shut my emotions off
i get like this time to time i just remove myself from the world
from feeling
im sure it will pass but being around jack when im like this isn fair so im best of staying away otherwise i might do something or say something i regret 
ill see him another time
besides hes been gaming loads and i feel like now hes had his fun out of all that its time to pay jo some actual attention and it doesnt work like that im afraid. i dont come second best

tomorrow is school
i have science club where we are erupting out volcanoes!

4 guineas done

Evening

I didnt sleep great
think I had a lot on my mind
I got up at 8am and beat mum up so I got to get the girls out X3
i ended up letting them play outside it was wet out but warm
surprisingly warm
so i got dressed and went for a walk then washed my car
as it was filthy 
then i showered

i continued on with sewing the guinea pigs
then i laid on my bed
and cried
cried for about 3 hours....
til i had puffy eye lids, red eyes and a sore face
got everything off my chest to mum really
she listened bless her
told her how ive talked loads about moving out next year how im actually gonna do it, if i talked about it enough and convinced myself - that id actually do it
despite all the people who think i cant
but the reality is i cant move out next year
the reality is im still not well enough to take care of myself
the reality is im still a child having everything done for me
so  i was upset about that
how i'll be 28 next year
all my friends have moved out years ago and are engaged
and im...still at home
life continues to repeat it's self
i work, i come home and exercise, i eat dinner, i sit with oz, i go to bed x5 days
weekend i just about manage to do something 'normal' and live my life
all the time suffering with pain and fatigue 
and i dont know if jack is the right one to be with ether
as much as i enjoy his company
he by far doesnt pull his weight in the relationship
he says he will do things and doesnt do them
he only does the stuff that matters to him
i dont think he intends to be selfish but he just doesnt think
mum doesnt think hes up to the task of 'looking after me' 
she wants me to talk it out with him tho and try and work it out as she thinks hes worth that much
so yeah i cried a lot and mainly about life
life that i know could be worse, but difficult and hard all the same
i wanted to end it
i wanted to overdose and not wake up
sometimes i convince myself that that option is better on myself and everyone

 i know i have jack to talk to about this but im not sure when i will talk about it
as i obviously cant talk about it at work but i dont want to spend time with him ether
hes totally ditched me lately for games and other things
and i think 'why should i come second best' so he can sod it
and im not seeing him over christmas he can forget that one
as thats more running around as usual for me
he never runs round after me


i laid on my bed and fell into a fitful sleep about my granny
about how she was dead and stuff
i woke up and realised i hadnt had any of medication.
medication i usually take at 7am and it was 3pm
so that has probably not helped things today
its not like me to not have my meds
but i didnt have breakfast ether i just got dressed and went for a walk
i sat with mum and oz and had a brew 
then went to finish 4 guineas! good feeling to get 4 done anyway

im so tired
i laid with cucumber on my eyes and a face sheet to try revive my eyes and skin
cus it all stung
not sure what i will do with my remaining hours of freedom before the work grind starts

just school tomorrow
i plan on saying something to head of science about how head of biology talks to me
she aint getting away with fridays behaviour

Completed my christmas shopping

Evening

my god it was nice not waking up at 6am
getting up alone in the pitch black
its sad i no longer need my kindle or light to see in the dark
ive become that accustomed to walking round and finding things in the dark
jo has evolved into night vision XD
i didnt sleep i woke up loads but got off to sleep again
when i did wake up at 8:30am i could hear mum with the girls downstairs
yeah its nice waking up to life instead of people sleeping away

so i had my girls this morning which was nice
ive sat with them and played with them twice today actually

i went out with mum in the morning as i had a cheque to cash in at the bank
and i needed stuff from the sewing shop
then we went to a garden centre
i brought a plant for tara, and a cactus for mia
all in all that completed my christmas shopping for 2019!
i also picked up two cacti for myself to take to work ^^ 

i came home at 11am frozen
as it was raining and cold
i was just numb
i ended up sleeping for 2 hours
once i got up i started more on the guinea pigs
then i did 45 mins of dancing/yoga which was good
had a shower and was in my pajamas for 4pm woo!!
and continued on with my guinea pigs

im gonna see  my ozwald a bit earlier tonight
then work on the rose picture and go bed i think~

tomorrow im gonna sew, draw, dance, just please myself :)
i cant remember if i showed this or not
but this is the quilt i have made for mia's birthday this year for her dog Walter

Finally the weekend after a stressful day

Evening

my god i did not wanna go this morning
felt like i was doing 6 days not 5
i sat with my Ozwald this morning
he helped cheer me up

school was stressful
just a bit full on
i got my christmas display done tho
but i was spoken to rudely in front of a class of year 12 by head of biology
having a go at me for giving her the wrong practical
so i quickly whipped up the one she did want
wheeled it through then she reluctantly told me she had put down the wrong practical
so i wasnt at fault it was her fault
but the way she spoke to me
and followed me into the prep room demanding it NOW in front of jack and julia
it was disgusting and im not sure how i didnt snap at her
she thanked me but didnt apologise 
jack and julia were shocked
its not professional what she did to me
so i think im gonna talk to head of science on monday about it
cus it cant go on like this
i am gonna snap one day
i went home crying cus of it and cus id simply had enough

i got in and didnt sit with oz and and brew how i usually do
instead i went straight to bed for 90 mins
i just needed to not be here for a while
think im alright now
ive seen ozwald and had dinner and been for a walk and had a shower
so ive chilled out a bit more now
and now im gonna sit with oz and go bed!

i must say ive thought about death a lot this last week
not sure if im low or not or just got a lot on my mind
but it does feel like it would be easier on me and on every one if i wasnt here
i just feel like giving up then my mind wonders to 'how would i do it?'
yeah depressing and i try to stop it but sometimes it really feels like
it would make sense if the world was lacking me
mum told me today there was a freak accident in chesterfield that someone was
driving along and a big tree just fell, crushing the car and killing the driver
and her 16 year old daughter. just tragic
but i thought, would i want death to be granted to me so easily?
why were they taken and not me?
dont know
not sure whats up with me
i dont think id ever act on it
but ive told mum and jack

anyway enough about death it is officially the weekend!
and Jo is pleasing no one!
im crafting and doing art
and dancing or doing some form of exercise as i can never forget to do that >.>
but yeah im doing what i wanna do

just want the weekend

Evening

I got up for school
felt tired and done in
but continued on
sat with Oz who did actually want me this morning X3

School was long and dull
just nothing much happening really
i was on the floor for about 40 mins with low blood pressure again
just feel fainty 
jack told me to take as long as i need, then to take a further 10 mins as i always rush it according to him...
i started pushing a trolly through full of heavy physics stuff
and suddenly the trolly got lighter...i turned round and head of science had the other end...
he said "should you be pushing this?"
well technically YES as its part of my job and i could have mouthed off about this
instead i simply replied "no" he said "right answer"
jack saw and said "jo I'll take the that" head of science said "you tell her jack"
i swear everyone is against me at times....i wanted to shout "im not an invalid!!"
jeez, what they gonna be like if im ever pregnant or anything
yeesh
but im grateful really as i could have it a lot worst
its good for me mentally and physically that i have an understanding work place
i helped Julia out a lot today, washing up really as i had very little to actually do
but was well ready to leave and go home
i was just so tired

i got home and sat with Oz and mum
mum was doing well, she was rough this morning
i still did dinner which was very easy but still had mum in the kitchen throwing in her two cents....but got that done with and then i did some exercise even tho i was dead
i kept going dizzy but kept on
my legs were shaky afterwards
so tired
i cant believe i have another day to do
it feels like a 6 day week for some reason

jack has been online gaming and playing pokemon
hes a bit obsessed to say the least

tomorrow is friday thank bloody god