probation period

Evening

I did a bit of dance practice last night
made me feel better that i had done a bit of exercise
despite how dead i felt
i went to bed after i sat with Oz
think i read 1 or 2 chapters and fell asleep
next thing i knew, my alarm was going off!
that night felt like 5 minutes!

school was alright i guess
a lil slow at times and no science club
and jack annoyed me at times
but he talked about me staying over tomorrow
pining for me obviously XD well serves him right playing games so much
and what else annoyed me was that my bra came undone!!
i can dance, do yoga and it never comes undone yet at work it chooses to come undone
course it does >.>
so i had to go to the toilet -- which doesnt have a hook or a shelf
take off my lanyard, bow, poloshirt, long sleeve top, bra
and do it all up again!
annoying!
i was tempted to ask jack to just do it up quickly for me in the office
but i wasnt sure how long he'd take over it and decided id be better off doing it myself
would look odd if someone found us like that...in a school...
i was ready to finish work anyway

i got home and sat with tillie on my knee
with Oz....he loves his pigs
so he was ALSO on my knee
i had to shift him over a bit as he was crushing tillie
he kept licking her as they both cuddled together
it was rather sweet actually
mum had truffle and molly

i went for a walk in the rain with mia and walter
it was good to see her
and i gave her her christmas card
i got rather wet
so i changed into pajamas when i came in

tomorrow its school
i havent got a lot to do i dont think
but i have to update the biology technician guides...ive been putting off for weeks XD
telling jack im too busy with other jobs XD
apparently ive passed the probation period
so thats good
but have a form to fill out with jack or something
thats what he gets for being my line manager XD
then i think im sleeping over at his
i havent slept over since 16th november....or spent any time together since then
he seems keen
he wants to put his tree up and eat pizza the three of us
im not bothered but didnt want to crush his suggestion 
so i think thats what we're doing 

Ice cream top

Konbanwa~~

I was in bed for 8:30pm...Jo was tired
and Id had enough of being in my dad's presence if im honest
so I read for an hour and dropped off
only to wake to get comfy again
started my day at 6am
it was nice to see Ozwald this morning
even if he was frisking me for my cereal....

school 
jack kept looking at me first thing in the morning but didnt say anything
i was expect a remark of some sort
i asked him for help with a practical i was unsure of
my god i needed the help as i wouldnt have been able to do that myself
watching a liquid turn from purple to red to orange as gas was bubbled through it...
like magic XD id like to think i could do it myself next time
i felt rough all morning tho
took til about midday to start to feel alright-ish
jack said "youre looking better now" i said "why did i look bad this morning?"
he said "you looked like death, not even warmed up death just death. I did wonder if i would have to send you home at some point"
thanks jack -___- but that must have been why he kept looking at me
i told him that my energy was so low its now affecting my circulation
he said "what you doing tonight?"
i said "seeing tara"
he said "what you doing tomorrow night?"
i said "seeing mia"
he said "wednesday night?"
i said "think nothing"
he said "right, you get no choice in the matter you're staying over. unless you're dying"
so he basically said he's booked my wednesday night XD
hes missed me
and damn right
i told him he was playing games a lot
he said "no i said i was playing games unless anything comes up"
i said "well it never came across that way, it was came across like you wanted to play games and that youd rather do that than see me"
he said "not the case, i will make myself clearer in the future"
i think we're both misreading one another and still getting used to being in a relationship and how relationships even work. cus boy do they take work...
i got through my day at school somehow
and the practical worked, thats another one i can get to work that has failed in past years

i got home and a top i ordered came, was only £5.99 including p&p

its cute! and has ice creams on it i used to love as a kid ^^
so im happy with it
i soon got ready and went to meet tara at the pub
i had a hot chocolate with gingerbread syrup in it
my god it tasted and smelt amazing i loved it
and it was great to see tara time went so fast
she gave me my first xmas present
and i handed her the plant i did, she was so happy with it and said it was so thoughtful
i was pleased and when she got back she said james really liked it ^^
so that was a good gift to do
we said the 4 of us will meet in the new year~
i came home and had dinner with mum now doing my diary
might do a bit of dance practice, sit with Oz and go bed~

tomorrow is school
then im going for a walk with mia and walter after school

Football Coaster

Evening

i continued laying on my bed last night for about 3 hours just listening to music
mum came to see me a few times asking if i was alright
i told her i was
she asked if there was anything she could do or if i wanted dinner
i didnt
i just wanted to be left alone
i got up and sat with Oz then tried to eat some food about 9pm
then went to bed

Didnt sleep too bad but woke up a few times
i got up at 8:30am
I finished my christmas cards, decided to only make 4
but i think theyve turned out alright really
should be able to give them out this week~

I showered and attempted some dancing and yoga
but i felt so exhausted
my body ached and felt heavy
i have really struggled today
i fell asleep after lunch

jack txt me to say did i want to come over
i said i wasnt going to
he rang me up >.>
he said he could tell i wasnt right and i said "no im aching and tired"
he said "do you want to come over, watch anime? ill make dinner you can have a bath"
i said "no its fine"
he said "shall i come see you?"
i said "no it would be a waste of your afternoon"
he said "what would i be doing instead? and seeing you isnt a waste of my time"
said "you have theo and games and your gaming session tonight"
he said "thats true but its my job to make your life suck less"
i said "jack its been 9 years another day isnt making much difference to me"
he said "i cant make you come over but if you change your mind you know where i am"
i know its probably wrong of me to say but i felt like he just wanted to see me for his own benefit, maybe im wrong. i just couldnt be bothered to drive over, to sit aching in his cold flat, to talk and be polite to theo and then sit doing something whilst he games tonight and then get ready for school in the morning. i just didnt want any of it all
and i thought if i mattered that much to  him he'd come see me no matter what
but yeah he never did 
but im glad as i was not in the mood for company today
i was just dead
i think it was the acupuncture sometimes i feel worse before i feel better

i have had to rest today
its been a waste of life and a waste of a day
weekends are precious and ive wasted mine recovering basically
im still so tired and in pain so i dont feel its done any good really

im going bed early cus i cant be bothered to stay conscious much longer
sick of all the thoughts, the pain and the aching
might treat myself to stronger pain killers tonight

tomorrow is school
ugh
school again
but still only 10 school days left!
tomorrow i have a practical im unsure of but jack said he'd help
i will need that help im sure
then after school i should be seeing tara at the pub for a drink (tea) then coming home and having dinner, i will be tired to say the least as monday is my busiest school day usually
so yeah one dead Jo tomorrow coming up~

here is the football coaster i did for the secret santa at work

its turned out well
here is the picture i drew

Dice Bag

Evening~~

I didnt sleep too bad last night
still woke up at 6am cus of my body clock I guess
but I went back to sleep til 8am
when i did get up i saw my dad this morning who for no reason what so ever ripped into me, so that was a nice way to start my day
he's also ripped into my brother
so all in all ive stayed out of his way today
jesus

I did 15mins of dancing this morning
then showered and then went out for my hair cut
just had a trim really 
tidied up before xmas 
I picked mum up some festive winter bouquets from a shop
and when I got in I arranged them for her
she was pleased with them ^^
she does so much for me

i had a brew and went on my laptop for a bit
did 40 mins of yoga and my hips felt a little bit better from acupuncture actually
then i had lunch with mum and then went to bed
cus i wanted to really

got up and decided to do some christmas cards
i wasnt going to this year
but i have done 4 
and thats all im doing
so i have water coloured them and when theyre dry i will outline them in pen
ive done pokemon for jack, tara and mia then final fantasy for my cousin
hopefully they should look good when theyre done
and ive sat and done that all afternoon
think jack texted me at 3:30pm saying i could go over
but i figured he could wait although it is 5:30pm now....maybe i should txt him XD
dont know if i can be arsed to go over or not tonight to be honest
but then i feel im only gonna get moaned at if i dont go over :/ 
i should go over really

not sure whether to go for a walk or not
it is a bit chilly out but its been worse
my body is tired
im sick of it being tired too
i want to get on with stuff!

so yeah tonight im not 100% sure what im doing yet
if i go jack's i guess ill be with him tomorrow
but its kinda like 'what we gonna do?'
its cold and busy everywhere and i personally dont wanna waste my weekend
even tho a part of me knows I DO NEED TO rest >.>
we shall see

here is the dice bag I made for jack for xmas
its a cog fabric as he has a thing for cogs, i also sewed actual cogs onto the fabric

the inside is lined with splatted triangles

im pleased with it and i hope he likes it

The effect one person can have

Evening

well aware I haven't been on here for a few days...

Tuesday I came home from school early
just before lunch as I just wasnt picking up
but i had said to jack i was gonna be the next day
did not happen

what did happen however on my tuesday night
i received a txt message from my phone company
stating that they had failed to take payment from my bank account
and if i dont do something about it, it could lead to termination of my contract
i had only just last week changed my bank details on my contract
so i pay instead of my dad

i rang the phone company up after telling my dad
as unfortunately the contract is in his name not mine
i was on hold for 40 mins no less
meanwhile my dad had called me stupid and a waste of space
crushing what little confidence i have in myself
i felt so poorly as well
i got through to someone who spoke bad english
and she cut me off after a minute on the phone...
i had been on hold for 40 mins
my dad called me all things under the sun
i hyperventilated, ran to the toilet to dry heave over the seat
followed it up with a panic attack and my mum trying to calm me down
my dad was on hold on the phone
he rang his bank in the mean time and they said phone company had terminated the money on his bank account which was correct
i rang my bank but my dad spoke as i was too upset and choked up to breathe let alone speak, and they said they hadnt stopped any payments and all was fine
we got through to my phone company
turns out it was a total scam, and i wasnt the first one to ring about this tonight
 so all this was for nothing
everything was actually fine
i felt sick tho as when i checked the original text message it had asked for some bank details, which i typed in, but it took me to my online banking page - luckily i do not have online banking
so i closed it down
but i worried about the details i typed in
so i phoned my bank again - this was now 9pm think we started all this at 6:30pm
they cancelled my card and put a fresh one in the post
just for peace of mind really

i went to bed exhausted
my body shook with every movement i took
the illness i have is a 'stress' illness and reacts very very badly to stress
what had happened truly stressed me out and i wasnt feeling well in the first place
and i cant cope with such an abusive father
when hes like i think "all the bridges i try and build, all the progress i feel i have made with him. its been for nothing. we're no better than what we were years ago"
he never tries with me
i always try with him
and he still hates me, he still thinks nothing of me
and it hurts
im his daughter
and he treats me like that
it awful
he apologised but only after mum had pointed out what an arse hole he'd been
he put his hand on my shoulder as i sat at the kitchen table, numb
just that action of him touching me made me throw up in my mouth

i had to deal with the mentalness afterwards tho
i wanted to cut myself
i wanted to die
i wanted to hurt him
i wanted to scream
i didnt want to wake up
i didnt want to feel

wednesday
i woke up to my alarm
i sat up and laid back down again
i felt like crap
and its all because of him
i would have been able to go to school if it wasnt for his behaviour
not that he would care
so i stayed at home
home alone all day
i didnt ring school
i didnt text jack
i was disappointed i was still alive when i woke up
my phone rang at 8:30am it was jack
obviously concerned about my whereabouts 
i told him i wasnt well, he insisted on coming over that night
i told him i was fine but he insisted 

during the day i made jack's dice bag which turned out really well
i will upload a picture as im pleased with it
i slept
i sat with pets
i didnt go yoga as i was still dead
jack came over i made us a simple dinner
and we just laid on my bed
he insists we meet this weekend
i told him just about what happened tuesday night
he made me promise to call if im ever upset
that is a hard task i have to say
he left at 9:30pm i was shattered and went to bed after i saw Oz

Today
i got up for school
not feeling 100% but determined to go
half the science staff werent in as they ether dont work fridays or were on a science trip
so i knew it would be an easy day 
julia was on the trip so it would mean jac being alone all day
and i didnt want that
head of science saw me in the morning and could see i looked rough
but i told him id like to get through the day if i can
and i did, somehow
i did think at some point i would go home as i felt bad but i managed to keep going
i got soaked in the rain going to the bins
so i took my polo shirt off, leaving my long sleeved top on, i just heard from the prep room office "keep going" i turned to jack and said "you total perv" and laughed XD
we laughed and joked a lot today actually so it was nice
monday doesnt look too bad
ive got one practical im unsure of but jack will support me ^^

i left school and went to Nigel's
he basically said the reason why i cant digest food, why my lips are blue in the morning, why im pale, is because my energy is at an all time low. my circulation and digestion is compromised so he treated me for that and pain in my hips

i came home, showered and put pyjamas on
and had dinner
im not exercising as i dont think i physically can 
im grateful i got through the day
im gonna sit with oz now and then do my nails then go to bed

tomorrow i have a hair cut in the morning
just a tidy really 
then not sure after that
i know jack wants to meet up but just see how the day goes
it has been weeks since we spent time together
him coming to see me last night was the first time  out of school we've seen each other since 16th november
so i think i will sleep over on saturday night

Football Coaster

Konbanwa~~

I slept like a log last night
but i was still very tired physically and mentally when I woke up
to be honest it took me til about 12pm to stop feeling rough

school was fine
nothing much happening
it was just a hard slog really
body was just so tired
but i got through it somehow 
the last A-level practical with powdered milk went really well ^^
so i was able to finally clear that away
dont know what the next big practical is...dread to think
i also had to varnish the back of 30 leaves.... what a dull job that was
and a waste of clear nail varnish in my opinion 

i was ready to come home i felt like i was about 
falling asleep on the way home
i sat with oz and mum with a brew which took a lot of will power
as the desire to go to bed was incredibly strong!
im surprised i resisted but i knew i really wouldnt sleep
tonight if i had gone to bed
so then i rested 

knew i HAD to do exercise but really really didnt want to 
but somehow managed to do half hour of yoga
god only knows how 
feel like i still need to do more
i have eaten so badly last two days
been so many cakes and chocolates at work
and cus i have needed the energy i have just eaten whats there
its really bad and i have so many thoughts about how fat i will become
but yeah i needed to get through the day
and they were my beacon of light when i was desperate 
but my stomach has been off past two days almost like its struggled to digest the sheer amount of sugar i have pumped into it ><
need to cut back for a week at least

i cant remember if i uploaded this or not yesterday but its the coaster design i have done for my secret santa - head of science. took me about 10 mins to draw

i managed to get another sale on my digital art too on sunday i think
its nice doing little sales, doesnt make feel like such a bad crafter/artist 

tomorrow its school
and i have no practicals going off
so i will have to pass the day some how

tonight i was gonna paint my nails but im so tired
i doubt i could concentrate on them

started secret santa

Konbanwa

I had weird dreams last night
i was some sort of bug that was the size of a cat
i was finding my way through this really abandoned city
with these other creatures, creatures that are more like monsters
very weird. then the whole place began to flood and the monsters came to
hunt those of us who were small
i panicked but soon realised i could breathe under the water
i was hiding behind fallen rubble until a man sized monster found me
he reached out to grab me and i woke up then
thank god i did wake up
it was 9am

i watched truffle running laps in the hall
she bombs rounds her agility is second to none
she is in a world of her own
tillie isnt bothered about running with her 
she joins in for one lap but then soon stops but happily watches her sister
molly just lets her get on with it

i had a shower this morning
then i went out to the shops
i just brought a bra in the sale for £5 its so silky and soft ^^
and some leggings for the christmas party
and some face oils to try 
i did try on some dresses but i didnt look right
wearing woman's clothes looks odd on me and doesnt suit me in the slightest
i left and went for a walk down the river which was cold very cold

i came home and had lunch by myself and then went to bed
my body felt tired
i got up and had a brew
then i wrapped the guinea pigs up ready to go ~ 

then i started working on the secret santa present
ive drawn it out ive just got to rub bits out and scan it in then get it printed as a coaster
then done~

since then i havent done a lot
i could do stuff if i push myself but not sure whether to or not
might save my energy and practice dances tonight
or sort my ipod out ><

jack sent me a txt at 2pm asking to see the guinea pigs
i havent txt him back nor have i shown him the pigs
im just not in the mood for it all today so i feel im best of staying away
unless i say something i regret later on
not sure how i feel about seeing him tomorrow at work
sure i will be fine
not sure if he went hiking or not but ive gone past the stage of caring
cus he's ether stayed in all day playing pokemon with theo or gone out with scouts
ether way im not bothered anymore
if he wants to do his thing i'll continue doing my own
not much of a relationship tho
but saves me getting hurt and disappointed 

tomorrow is work
it is gonna be a full on day
as soon as i get in ive got chemicals to make up fresh
and other equipment to set up like 5 water baths....
im gonna be shattered tomorrow
wonder how cold it will be
this has been the scene thats greeted me both yesterday and today
thick thick frost