Evening
didnt sleep that well
woke up at 5:45am refused to get up and dropped off to sleep
to have a dream where id lost my ozwald
woke up at 6am to my alarm thank god
love my ozwald
school was alright
i couldnt be bothered with all if im honest
id had enough
i was just so damn tired and drained
but the day wasnt too busy luckily enough
I heard jack say to julia "we need to do your probation form today"
i said "careful julia he has a way of putting you down"
i told him about how i felt about him putting me down for my attendance
he defended himself i said "my its me being sensitive about my illnesses. still doesnt stop me from feeling crap about myself" and walked off
at another stage when julia wasnt in the room with us
i told him about how i went to bed by myself at his the other night
how he couldnt not even play pokemon just for 1 night
that i had cuddled more with flump than i had him
he said "i thought you would have fallen asleep"
any excuse
i said "its crap jack and really makes me want to stay over again"
he said "im sorry ill try harder in the future"
i said "yeah we'll see"
he said "well you can stay over saturday and wednesday"
i said "i cant stay over weds as its the science christmas due, and im not staying for the meal"
he said "i can come away, id rather spend the night with you"
i said "jack theres the whole xmas holiday for sleep overs, go to the meal"
secretly trying to get out of staying over at his
told him i dont want to go to the christmas party tomorrow
just dont want to go
the venue looks crap, i cant park so i have to wait for a bus in the cold
and id have to stay at jacks dump of a flat
all in all im out
he said "do i have to drag you there?"
i know he wants to go and hes welcome to go, just with out me
i left bang on time
got home, got into comfy clothes, got into bed
done
i was so dead
i havent done anything since i got up apart from eat
i havent done any exercise
i need to but im so drained its unreal
i might try and run through two dances then get Oz
tomorrow
jo is dying her hair pink!
looking forward to it :3
and im also putting up the xmas decorations ^^
and also getting out of my xmas party
here is some xmas guinea pigs i made for a friend
travelled all the way to australia ^^
theyre cute, my brother and mum liked them
got more stuff people want making before christmas....
Evening
So yesterday I had school
it was tiring but i usually find mid week hard
for some reason
but it was fairly uneventful really
i was just done in after school
and was going to jack's
he was keen to have me over i know he was
and even txted me in the morning to remind me to bring my stuff
I got over to his and my god
what greeted me
just a sheer tip
i mean i know when i've been asking "what did you do last night?" "what did you do at the weekend?" he hasnt respond, for quite some time, with "cleaning"
it was just grim
i could barely walk anywhere due to the sheer amount of crap everywhere
dust, clutter, rubbish, clothes, washing, pots
to say hes been wanting me over for a while and then he doesnt even bother to clean
not even the slightest
kind of made me feel like 'you cant even make the effort for me?'
his room was no better
nintendo switch box from 3 weeks ago on the floor, rubbish like actual rubbish from the convention 1 month ago, books, clothes, the same dirty bed sheets on from 6 weeks ago
the same sheets i would then have to sleep in that night...
yeah i felt a bit deflated if im honest
even my brother cleans his room and stuff before his girlfriend comes over
so to say jack has just been gaming none stop lately is an understatement
its taken over...
i got changed out my work clothes
but it was cold in his flat
my clothes were cold from my car
and i was just cold
and tired
so i curled up in his dressing gown on his bed trying to restore heat
he came and cuddled up and stuff
reminding me i had exercise to do
i was shattered
and said i was having a day off
he nagged but relented
theo came home and i watched jack put the tree up his nan gave to him
and i help him put the baubles on
theo played pokemon and didnt help in the slightest - another one addicted clearly
he said to jack "i have some to trade with you tonight"
jack said "sure once Jo has gone to bed"
i said "what? you cant take one day off?"
he said "well thats me told"
i said "no forget it jack you do what you want"
i was going to bed when i wanted i wasnt gonna stay up for his benefit
nor did i expect him to be able to sleep at 9pm when i intended to go to bed
we ordered pizza
put on an anime film which i found quite crap
watched and ate
after theo continued playing pokemon i could tell jack wanted to
so i got ready for bed, and left him to it
he came to see me and i told him to do what he wants
he said "ill play til the end of the film and come to bed with you"
i thought 'fair enough' as the film had half an hour to go this was at 9pm
at 11pm he made me jump by coming to bed....
so yeah he clearly couldnt resist playing longer
despite that being all hes done past few weeks
i didnt cuddle him when he came to bed i cuddled flump
i got up at 6am
it was cold
and the light in his bathroom constantly flickers
i got ready and got breakfast ready
then drove us to work
work was quite busy
and we had my probation form come through
it had various questions i had to fill out with my line manager - jack
there was a tick box
needs improvement - satisfactory - good - excellent
he gave me some goods and one excellent
he gave me a satisfactory for attendance...that hurt
i said "i have hardly had any days off. and you think i like being off!?"
he said "its not like you dont have a good reason for being off"
this form goes back to headquarters and they will decide - without having met me - if i keep my job or not. and i personally think that giving me a satisfactory for my attendance looks like i cant be bothered to turn up for work.
so i said "its fine jack, once ive lost my job i'll know who to blame. you go give julia top marks on her form"
jerk
really pulled rank about the rest of the form too
treated me like an employee instead of even just a friend
he put things like "jo struggled at the start but has become more competent"
i dont know it was the way he worded it. made me feel like an idiot
he said "this part is anything you want to add"
i said "yeah my line manager is an arse hole"
signed it and walked off
i came home and went to yoga
which i enjoyed and had to show a move to the class karen cant do
we came back and voted
then came back for food
i've got my christmas work due on saturday
theres no parking so i ether bus it or stay at jacks....
and after last night i actually dont want to
and after his performance with my form today im not sure i even want to go
i was only going for him
i dont really want to go
and i feel like id be putting myself out just for him
and he doesnt ever put himself out for me
so even tho ive paid £15 im thinking of not bothering
gonna sit with Oz and go bed
friday tomorrow
Evening
I did a bit of dance practice last night
made me feel better that i had done a bit of exercise
despite how dead i felt
i went to bed after i sat with Oz
think i read 1 or 2 chapters and fell asleep
next thing i knew, my alarm was going off!
that night felt like 5 minutes!
school was alright i guess
a lil slow at times and no science club
and jack annoyed me at times
but he talked about me staying over tomorrow
pining for me obviously XD well serves him right playing games so much
and what else annoyed me was that my bra came undone!!
i can dance, do yoga and it never comes undone yet at work it chooses to come undone
course it does >.>
so i had to go to the toilet -- which doesnt have a hook or a shelf
take off my lanyard, bow, poloshirt, long sleeve top, bra
and do it all up again!
annoying!
i was tempted to ask jack to just do it up quickly for me in the office
but i wasnt sure how long he'd take over it and decided id be better off doing it myself
would look odd if someone found us like that...in a school...
i was ready to finish work anyway
i got home and sat with tillie on my knee
with Oz....he loves his pigs
so he was ALSO on my knee
i had to shift him over a bit as he was crushing tillie
he kept licking her as they both cuddled together
it was rather sweet actually
mum had truffle and molly
i went for a walk in the rain with mia and walter
it was good to see her
and i gave her her christmas card
i got rather wet
so i changed into pajamas when i came in
tomorrow its school
i havent got a lot to do i dont think
but i have to update the biology technician guides...ive been putting off for weeks XD
telling jack im too busy with other jobs XD
apparently ive passed the probation period
so thats good
but have a form to fill out with jack or something
thats what he gets for being my line manager XD
then i think im sleeping over at his
i havent slept over since 16th november....or spent any time together since then
he seems keen
he wants to put his tree up and eat pizza the three of us
im not bothered but didnt want to crush his suggestion
so i think thats what we're doing
Konbanwa~~
I was in bed for 8:30pm...Jo was tired
and Id had enough of being in my dad's presence if im honest
so I read for an hour and dropped off
only to wake to get comfy again
started my day at 6am
it was nice to see Ozwald this morning
even if he was frisking me for my cereal....
school
jack kept looking at me first thing in the morning but didnt say anything
i was expect a remark of some sort
i asked him for help with a practical i was unsure of
my god i needed the help as i wouldnt have been able to do that myself
watching a liquid turn from purple to red to orange as gas was bubbled through it...
like magic XD id like to think i could do it myself next time
i felt rough all morning tho
took til about midday to start to feel alright-ish
jack said "youre looking better now" i said "why did i look bad this morning?"
he said "you looked like death, not even warmed up death just death. I did wonder if i would have to send you home at some point"
thanks jack -___- but that must have been why he kept looking at me
i told him that my energy was so low its now affecting my circulation
he said "what you doing tonight?"
i said "seeing tara"
he said "what you doing tomorrow night?"
i said "seeing mia"
he said "wednesday night?"
i said "think nothing"
he said "right, you get no choice in the matter you're staying over. unless you're dying"
so he basically said he's booked my wednesday night XD
hes missed me
and damn right
i told him he was playing games a lot
he said "no i said i was playing games unless anything comes up"
i said "well it never came across that way, it was came across like you wanted to play games and that youd rather do that than see me"
he said "not the case, i will make myself clearer in the future"
i think we're both misreading one another and still getting used to being in a relationship and how relationships even work. cus boy do they take work...
i got through my day at school somehow
and the practical worked, thats another one i can get to work that has failed in past years
i got home and a top i ordered came, was only £5.99 including p&p
its cute! and has ice creams on it i used to love as a kid ^^
so im happy with it
i soon got ready and went to meet tara at the pub
i had a hot chocolate with gingerbread syrup in it
my god it tasted and smelt amazing i loved it
and it was great to see tara time went so fast
she gave me my first xmas present
and i handed her the plant i did, she was so happy with it and said it was so thoughtful
i was pleased and when she got back she said james really liked it ^^
so that was a good gift to do
we said the 4 of us will meet in the new year~
i came home and had dinner with mum now doing my diary
might do a bit of dance practice, sit with Oz and go bed~
tomorrow is school
then im going for a walk with mia and walter after school
Evening
i continued laying on my bed last night for about 3 hours just listening to music
mum came to see me a few times asking if i was alright
i told her i was
she asked if there was anything she could do or if i wanted dinner
i didnt
i just wanted to be left alone
i got up and sat with Oz then tried to eat some food about 9pm
then went to bed
Didnt sleep too bad but woke up a few times
i got up at 8:30am
I finished my christmas cards, decided to only make 4
but i think theyve turned out alright really
should be able to give them out this week~
I showered and attempted some dancing and yoga
but i felt so exhausted
my body ached and felt heavy
i have really struggled today
i fell asleep after lunch
jack txt me to say did i want to come over
i said i wasnt going to
he rang me up >.>
he said he could tell i wasnt right and i said "no im aching and tired"
he said "do you want to come over, watch anime? ill make dinner you can have a bath"
i said "no its fine"
he said "shall i come see you?"
i said "no it would be a waste of your afternoon"
he said "what would i be doing instead? and seeing you isnt a waste of my time"
said "you have theo and games and your gaming session tonight"
he said "thats true but its my job to make your life suck less"
i said "jack its been 9 years another day isnt making much difference to me"
he said "i cant make you come over but if you change your mind you know where i am"
i know its probably wrong of me to say but i felt like he just wanted to see me for his own benefit, maybe im wrong. i just couldnt be bothered to drive over, to sit aching in his cold flat, to talk and be polite to theo and then sit doing something whilst he games tonight and then get ready for school in the morning. i just didnt want any of it all
and i thought if i mattered that much to him he'd come see me no matter what
but yeah he never did
but im glad as i was not in the mood for company today
i was just dead
i think it was the acupuncture sometimes i feel worse before i feel better
i have had to rest today
its been a waste of life and a waste of a day
weekends are precious and ive wasted mine recovering basically
im still so tired and in pain so i dont feel its done any good really
im going bed early cus i cant be bothered to stay conscious much longer
sick of all the thoughts, the pain and the aching
might treat myself to stronger pain killers tonight
tomorrow is school
ugh
school again
but still only 10 school days left!
tomorrow i have a practical im unsure of but jack said he'd help
i will need that help im sure
then after school i should be seeing tara at the pub for a drink (tea) then coming home and having dinner, i will be tired to say the least as monday is my busiest school day usually
so yeah one dead Jo tomorrow coming up~
here is the football coaster i did for the secret santa at work
its turned out well
here is the picture i drew
Evening~~
I didnt sleep too bad last night
still woke up at 6am cus of my body clock I guess
but I went back to sleep til 8am
when i did get up i saw my dad this morning who for no reason what so ever ripped into me, so that was a nice way to start my day
he's also ripped into my brother
so all in all ive stayed out of his way today
jesus
I did 15mins of dancing this morning
then showered and then went out for my hair cut
just had a trim really
tidied up before xmas
I picked mum up some festive winter bouquets from a shop
and when I got in I arranged them for her
she was pleased with them ^^
she does so much for me
i had a brew and went on my laptop for a bit
did 40 mins of yoga and my hips felt a little bit better from acupuncture actually
then i had lunch with mum and then went to bed
cus i wanted to really
got up and decided to do some christmas cards
i wasnt going to this year
but i have done 4
and thats all im doing
so i have water coloured them and when theyre dry i will outline them in pen
ive done pokemon for jack, tara and mia then final fantasy for my cousin
hopefully they should look good when theyre done
and ive sat and done that all afternoon
think jack texted me at 3:30pm saying i could go over
but i figured he could wait although it is 5:30pm now....maybe i should txt him XD
dont know if i can be arsed to go over or not tonight to be honest
but then i feel im only gonna get moaned at if i dont go over :/
i should go over really
not sure whether to go for a walk or not
it is a bit chilly out but its been worse
my body is tired
im sick of it being tired too
i want to get on with stuff!
so yeah tonight im not 100% sure what im doing yet
if i go jack's i guess ill be with him tomorrow
but its kinda like 'what we gonna do?'
its cold and busy everywhere and i personally dont wanna waste my weekend
even tho a part of me knows I DO NEED TO rest >.>
we shall see
here is the dice bag I made for jack for xmas
its a cog fabric as he has a thing for cogs, i also sewed actual cogs onto the fabric
the inside is lined with splatted triangles
im pleased with it and i hope he likes it
Evening
well aware I haven't been on here for a few days...
Tuesday I came home from school early
just before lunch as I just wasnt picking up
but i had said to jack i was gonna be the next day
did not happen
what did happen however on my tuesday night
i received a txt message from my phone company
stating that they had failed to take payment from my bank account
and if i dont do something about it, it could lead to termination of my contract
i had only just last week changed my bank details on my contract
so i pay instead of my dad
i rang the phone company up after telling my dad
as unfortunately the contract is in his name not mine
i was on hold for 40 mins no less
meanwhile my dad had called me stupid and a waste of space
crushing what little confidence i have in myself
i felt so poorly as well
i got through to someone who spoke bad english
and she cut me off after a minute on the phone...
i had been on hold for 40 mins
my dad called me all things under the sun
i hyperventilated, ran to the toilet to dry heave over the seat
followed it up with a panic attack and my mum trying to calm me down
my dad was on hold on the phone
he rang his bank in the mean time and they said phone company had terminated the money on his bank account which was correct
i rang my bank but my dad spoke as i was too upset and choked up to breathe let alone speak, and they said they hadnt stopped any payments and all was fine
we got through to my phone company
turns out it was a total scam, and i wasnt the first one to ring about this tonight
so all this was for nothing
everything was actually fine
i felt sick tho as when i checked the original text message it had asked for some bank details, which i typed in, but it took me to my online banking page - luckily i do not have online banking
so i closed it down
but i worried about the details i typed in
so i phoned my bank again - this was now 9pm think we started all this at 6:30pm
they cancelled my card and put a fresh one in the post
just for peace of mind really
i went to bed exhausted
my body shook with every movement i took
the illness i have is a 'stress' illness and reacts very very badly to stress
what had happened truly stressed me out and i wasnt feeling well in the first place
and i cant cope with such an abusive father
when hes like i think "all the bridges i try and build, all the progress i feel i have made with him. its been for nothing. we're no better than what we were years ago"
he never tries with me
i always try with him
and he still hates me, he still thinks nothing of me
and it hurts
im his daughter
and he treats me like that
it awful
he apologised but only after mum had pointed out what an arse hole he'd been
he put his hand on my shoulder as i sat at the kitchen table, numb
just that action of him touching me made me throw up in my mouth
i had to deal with the mentalness afterwards tho
i wanted to cut myself
i wanted to die
i wanted to hurt him
i wanted to scream
i didnt want to wake up
i didnt want to feel
wednesday
i woke up to my alarm
i sat up and laid back down again
i felt like crap
and its all because of him
i would have been able to go to school if it wasnt for his behaviour
not that he would care
so i stayed at home
home alone all day
i didnt ring school
i didnt text jack
i was disappointed i was still alive when i woke up
my phone rang at 8:30am it was jack
obviously concerned about my whereabouts
i told him i wasnt well, he insisted on coming over that night
i told him i was fine but he insisted
during the day i made jack's dice bag which turned out really well
i will upload a picture as im pleased with it
i slept
i sat with pets
i didnt go yoga as i was still dead
jack came over i made us a simple dinner
and we just laid on my bed
he insists we meet this weekend
i told him just about what happened tuesday night
he made me promise to call if im ever upset
that is a hard task i have to say
he left at 9:30pm i was shattered and went to bed after i saw Oz
Today
i got up for school
not feeling 100% but determined to go
half the science staff werent in as they ether dont work fridays or were on a science trip
so i knew it would be an easy day
julia was on the trip so it would mean jac being alone all day
and i didnt want that
head of science saw me in the morning and could see i looked rough
but i told him id like to get through the day if i can
and i did, somehow
i did think at some point i would go home as i felt bad but i managed to keep going
i got soaked in the rain going to the bins
so i took my polo shirt off, leaving my long sleeved top on, i just heard from the prep room office "keep going" i turned to jack and said "you total perv" and laughed XD
we laughed and joked a lot today actually so it was nice
monday doesnt look too bad
ive got one practical im unsure of but jack will support me ^^
i left school and went to Nigel's
he basically said the reason why i cant digest food, why my lips are blue in the morning, why im pale, is because my energy is at an all time low. my circulation and digestion is compromised so he treated me for that and pain in my hips
i came home, showered and put pyjamas on
and had dinner
im not exercising as i dont think i physically can
im grateful i got through the day
im gonna sit with oz now and then do my nails then go to bed
tomorrow i have a hair cut in the morning
just a tidy really
then not sure after that
i know jack wants to meet up but just see how the day goes
it has been weeks since we spent time together
him coming to see me last night was the first time out of school we've seen each other since 16th november
so i think i will sleep over on saturday night
