Not a good way to start week 2

Evening

Did not sleep

like that was a BAD night

I was in bed for 9:30pm after watching the first episode of tenchi muyo, showing it to Jack I havent seen it since I was like 14/15. Tsubasa, like I thought when I saw the first 3 episodes when I was in my teens, is very slow and dull. But I said I will watch it

I couldnt switch off, the more I thought about school the more anxious I felt, I decided to get up at 11pm for pain killers, took too many on an empty stomach and felt sick. Really sick and i was back in bed by this point trying desperately to get some sleep before school! Then I started having sweats so I got up to open the windows at midnight and just decided to get up in general til 1:30am.......I went to bed but every time I dropped off I immediately had an nightmare or saw something disturbing. After the 3rd time of it happening I got up and went on my laptop. As it goes I was able to find myself a new hoodie finally and for only £6! I also managed to get some christmas presents! I came to bed at 3:45am but took me a while to sleep. I would have liked some more pain killers but knew I would probably have been sick. I was hungry despite having a cookie and apple. So I just laid there thinking "if I dont actually sleep then fine"

I did get off to sleep and woke 3 mins before the alarm so I think I got just under two hour......

Jack on the other hand slept really well again! I am so pleased. He was not pleased I had not woke him.

He is fed up of me doing things myself and suffering alone. So I have promised to make more of an effort to wake him to get up together.

we got ready for school not that I bloody wanted to go. I felt like death but hey I got on with it

I was even polite to everyone all day

not grouchy

got all my work done

no one would have known I had been overdosing and had under two hours sleep

We picked Oz up on the way home mum said she had told him off a few times today for plant chewing and such. I said I would see her tomorrow

we had tea and fruit loaf when we got home and did dinner which was good and filling even if it was 80% vegetables 

I went on my laptop for a bit and then did 10-15mins exercise as I didnt want to burn myself out, had a bath now just doing my diary with my lad. I have made  him a 'warren' with his tubes, the sofa and my dressing gown and he is loving it X3

tomorrow

is school and I have 1 practical and its very easy to get ready just a bit messy to clean up. Cant have it all ways I guess XD I would like to do some art as well if I can

please god let me sleep peacefully and through the night tonight 

did biology art and diffusers work!

 Otsukararesama deshita

Last night we went to bed with the diffuser for the first time, I put essential oils in it to help Jack breathe and to relax us. I couldnt sleep for whatever reason. But I noticed Jack was asleep but not only that, he was breathing through his nose....like this has never happened in the whole 2 years I have slept next to him!! I couldnt believe it. I was so happy and wanted to wake him to tell him XD

I got up til 1am and when I came to bed he was still able to breathe through his nose! I was so pleased. I slept but was woken by Jack who said his earring had come out and stabbed him then we both fell asleep til 8am. He said he felt like he had slept really well! I told him that he was breathing well. We are keen to try it again tonight!

we went food shopping and managed to pick up 3 outdoor plants that was reduced! poor things! I was a bit anxious going round the shop for whatever reason

we got back unpacked, had tea and fruit load - addicted to that stuff XD

then we did my soup, I cleaned the bathroom, chose my clothes for school. I tried on a jumpsuit I got for £5 off ebay....yeah I didnt feel comfortable in it. Jack said it wasnt suitable for work as he would get nothing done XD left little to the imagine put it that way. Literally saw every bump and curve of my body.....then we had lunch. I threw the jumpsuit out for charity

I rested for 45mins and when I got up I started to do my biology art work but Jack said he was going outside to garden, I could tell he didnt want to so I said I would come out

I got some sun - not been sunny in ages - and I did my exercise for the day which was yoga on my picnic blanket with Oz. Jack got what he needed get done. We are now able to plant some plants if we want to!

We came in and had a cup of tea, well I did, Jack had an ice cream XD

I then did my science work. I just sat quietly with youtube on and did it. Felt I learned it better this time round. and it looks good. Jack said he was very proud of me

I then brought a load of hair bows and clips for my mum mainly as shes come and robbed some from me and having no luck finding any for herself so I thought if I brought a load she could pick what she wanted and I would have whats left.

we did dinner and had that. After that I said I would help him make a character for his next D&D game hes playing. Did not expect it to take an hour.....I was gonna get some digital drawing done too!!

Then I had a pamper in the bath and now doing my diary with Ozwald eating carrot in front of me. I have a face sheet on. I plan on doing my nails later. Good pamper before school.

Tomorrow is school T^T

my first full week in months

last week we had the monday off at least. I have a full week and I know theres plenty of practicals>.>

I hope the diffuser works for jack again!

cant even do a 14 year olds homework.....

 Evening

I slept ok I guess, woke up for a wee so I had to get up and leave my cocoon Jack had wrapped me in but I managed to get a bit wrapped up when I got back to bed, even in the dark

we got up at 7:30am Jack said he was tired

we went to TK MAXX for 9am when it opened as I wanted new wrist weights

I did get new wrist weights but theyre so small! theyre not childrens and I dont have fat wrists but my god they only just go together!! so I am not overly pleased with them.

I also got FINALLY a biscuit tin! I have been looking for weeks!!! think I have looked in there 7 times now and they had 2 ceramic 'tins' one was a cream owl and the other an orange fox. Easy to guess which I got!! I love the fox and only £9.99!!! I also got an oil diffuser for Jack as he constantly has a blocked nose at night so sleeps with his mouth open - gets a dry mouth - wakes up to have a drink which is always next to him. But it is disturbed sleep nonetheless. I read that diffusers and oils can help stop the nose getting dry and help air ways etc so I said we would order one this weekend. Usually theyre £20-£30 but we found one reduced for £7!!! Also got a load of art supplies as they had loads of art stuff in and they dont usually to be honest. It is very hit and miss what they have in. I got 50 gel pens. All to do my science work with. Finally got some reduced face masks~

we got back and had a brew and fruit loaf for me ^^ 

then my mum came over and I cleaned Oz out whilst mum and jack gardened. He has started moving the rockery and its looking different already! I came inside and did a few jobs like sort out my joggers I have put summer lightweight ones away and brought out bit thicker ones but not winter ones. I have SO many joggers....I sorted out my art supplies as that was a real mess too

mum went home for lunch and we had lunch together then I went to bed as my body was tired. Mainly from school and using the weights yesterday.

I read today that if you have a lot of muscle you burn more calories at your resting metabolism rate than you would if you were just like 90% fat. And I have been growing muscle and my body percentage is like 11% fat last time I looked. So maybe I am burning more calories off now I am gaining more muscle. just havent worked out why the bones are starting to show but my guess is that? I dont over exercise or under eat

Jack woke me up before I had even got off to sleep as my parents had come to take our 20+ bags of garden waste to the tip. Dad and jack went to the tip and mum stayed to weed my path. I went to do my science homework.

couldnt do it

4 questions for 14 year olds

and I couldnt do it

I felt so stupid

depressed me even further

jack and dad came back. Dad told jack he had done a good job of the garden

they left and we had a cup of tea and a rest then jack went through my homework with me. When I had googled it to try work out the answer it had made no sense. but when jack explained it to me it did make sense. he had to go over it a few times and gave me examples but i did get there. He helped me word my answers as well. so grateful. hes so damn patient. its great. so grateful to him.

we rested a bit then  I did dinner which was amazing

then i did some biology work in my sketchbook, just art up to now not done any science yet XD

did some exercise, showered, now I am with Ozwald who has ripped up his clean hutch....god knows when as hes only been home 45mins today.....git

I said I would massage Jack's leg for him when hes out the shower as hes struggling with his paralyzed foot. And its making other muscles tight and painful and he is doing all the hard gardening work.

we will watch anime tonight and have hot chocolate. I made fresh biscuits for my fox tin today it made me so happy ^^ but I will be good and just have hot chocolate and not my 3rd biscuit of the day as well XD

we have started watching Tsubasa

tomorrow

chore day....

shopping, soup, bathroom cleaning, school to get ready for

managed my first week back, bones showing

 Konbanwa~~

I slept pretty well last night again! Jack tucked me into bed again, in all my layers. Literally woke up feeling like id been steaming myself all night XD everywhere was a bit damp under the layers

He told me I was grim

We dropped Oz off and I was lucky enough to catch mummy outside so a had a quick cuddle ^^

We got to school and yeah the day was ok really

I set a practical out really nicely for a teacher, I took some chocolate to the printing technician, I checked on the art technician whos been on her own all week (art teachers all got covid!) I did a little lilo and stitch laminate for chris (his favourite character is stitch) so I was helping keep everyones spirits up

Mum told me Oz was ok and the jacket I ordered for her she really likes it and was asking if it really was ok for her to have it. I was glad. I like to do things for people ^^

I had a 40min power nap on the floor at work I had burnt myself out a bit today I did get so much done!

I was glad to finish today, on the way home I went to the range with Jack for a sketch book and garden stuff.

mum met us at my house and I had fruit loaf and tea ^^

I realised tho I had brought the wrong type of sketchbook, in my defence i was tired and couldnt think. But this one will get used for something. I ended up ordering 'pink pig' sketchbook which are my all time favourites! expensive but good quality and what I used for EVERY project at college I must have spent almost £500 on sketchbooks in those 2 years!

we had dinner and then I laid on my bed jack went to go game

I motivated myself into doing 30min exercise however much to my dismay i picked up my ankle weights and the sand fell out, its got a hole in it!! I picked the other one up and that too has a hole in it!!! D: I only used them yesterday! I used them all the time. So I put my wrist weights on my ankles and held small dumbbells which as actually really difficult! theyre heavier than the weights i tie round me. I want to go replace my weights!!! no point in repairing them its just gonna keep happening.

I had a long bath til i was a prune then did a good skin care routine by which point jack came downstairs he had finished gaming 30mins early. Typically the friday I am not ready for him and he finishes early! Im usually sat waiting by 9pm  so we are sitting with Oz together now then we will watch some anime

not sure what we are watching as we finished first season of noragami last night ^^

I told mum about my ribs showing she didnt know what to say really. when I was washing my body tonight tho I was trying to massaged a muscle in my neck and i noticed how much my collar bones show and they werent visible at the start of the year....

tomorrow

guess its garden work and a few chores

such is the life -_______-

done my first week back tho!

First step in my 5 year journey

 Konbanwa~~

I got Oz in, who had clean toilet but decided to pee on my carpet....why god why? I was shattered

I slept pretty well despite how I was feeling last night

just woke up cold a couple of times really

Didnt want to go school, felt too nervous about biology lesson

We dropped Oz off who was not impressed with being dropped off

We got to school and printed my booklet off for my first lesson 

and I got going with work, mum sent me photos of Oz chewing her plants.....T^T

I had my lesson which Jack told me to go to like I needed telling!

I sat by myself and yeah it was fine. A LOT TO TAKE IN

I knew nothing! our first topic is cells. I have heard of words but not knowing the meaning and today was all about parts of the cell. I wrote a lot, paid attention, didnt doodle. But god its so much to take in. I suddenly panicked thinking "this is lesson one of a 3 year course then I sit an exam based on all this! how do I remember it all!?" I felt stupid and my GCSE seems miles out of reach. But its good to learn. I might just have to learn my own way and do some art or something because someone endless talking for an hour isnt how I learn. Its too much info. I tend to learn a sentence someone says not an hour worth.

I came back to the prep room office and crawled into a ball under my desk

jack was like "it couldnt have been that bad!?" I said "i know nothing Jack! and I have so much to remember!!" He went through it all and said he will happily go through bits with me. And to be honest some stuff he said did make it sink in and explain it better so I understood it.

Luke came in and told Jack I sat very nicely XD

so thats my first step taken in my 5 year journey. 3 years for a GCSE and 2 for an A-level

I got the rest of the day done with my 2 practicals and my list of jobs.

we collected Ozwald on the way home, came home for brew and fruit loaf. I noticed tho the heads off all my sunflowers have gone....they were there this morning now theyre gone. Im guessing its headless horseman squirrel style.

we did dinner and now I am doing my diary whilst food goes down then I would like to work out. I could feel stress building today and I would like to work that stress out and sleep tonight.

so work out, bath, Oz, anime. The usual

tomorrow it is friday then thats the first week done!

should be seeing mum too tomorrow.

oh I forgot to upload it i know its random but here is space duck I did for the science department last term. He was naked and yellow then I painted him. He didnt win anything XD

literally felt every hour today

 Evening

OH MY GOD I SLEPT

like a friggin' achievement 

I felt so much better for actual sleep too

This morning I wasnt sure what to wear, so I put on my thinner tights in the hopes that it would warm up. It did not. I have been cold all day -______-

I have felt EVERY HOUR of this day

how can time go so slow!?

the day was never ending like just people wanting stuff left right and centre, like a constant conveyor belt of staff wanting crap I feel like I am forever sorting people out and their lives!!! Ugh!!! I can tell I am back. I did have a 20min lay down at lunch cus I was like dead

We have a helper in, shes an ex-student from last year doing a gap year so we have her 3 hours a week the rest shes gonna help in lesson :3 shes really nice I dont mind her. The only person I have ever met who was totally home schooled tho. I would HATE to have not gone school

At home time we picked Oz up and came home for brew and fruit loaf as I was starving!!!!!

Mum said Oz hadnt done anything all day......wish I had done nothing all day I was knackered

what I thought was gonna be an easy dinner needed more work and I needed to make more biscuits....

we had dinner and I had stomach ache for almost an hour afterwards. Life is not fair. I had been cold all day, ached, stomach ache and just, I just had no more to give so I didnt exercise as it was too late by time stomach ache passed. So I had a nice bath then went to get Oz in

WHO DECIDED TO WEE ON THE CARPET!!!

like are you trying to stressing me out further!? I felt like crying. I cleaned the carpet and took him home as he didnt deserve to stay in after that. He knows better and even had a clean toilet tonight. No excuse for what he did.

I had a biscuit and it gave me stomach ache so I have stomach ache to go to bed with

yup not happy

want to overdose and not wake up basically

trying to think positively tho as I have my first Biology lesson tomorrow! at around 10am. Bit nervous but I want to do this.

I hope I sleep tonight. Body and mind is shattered but done no exercise and got stomach ache and endless thoughts about how fat I am. So I am not holding out a lot of hope

First day back, even Oz wasnt feeling it

 Evening~~

Could I sleep last night? when I actually needed sleep T^T I was awake til 12:30 with my thoughts going through loads of random crap >.> I got up for pain killers and stayed up til 1am

I came to bed and did sleep but had a dream I started a new course but was struggling to do it because of my dyslexia and was upset

I woke up at 6:15am to the sound of my alarm. Ugh an actual alarm >.> did not want to get up today. The only saving grace was wearing non-uniform

We got up and got the dinner on for this evening and got ready for school

when Jack got Oz up at 6:15am he said Oz had a right face on him like "what ungodly hour is this!?" he only gave Jack one lick whereas he usually get loads XD even Oz wasnt feeling it 

we dropped him off for bunny daycare

We went to work really not wanting to. Who wants to go back

I spent two hours in the morning talking the art technician as he art teacher was off with covid, and she didnt know what to do as she didnt feel she wanted to sit with all the teachers in the hall and catch covid, I told her I never go in and was waiting for occupational health to call me - who never did....

So I was tired from talking, it was free tea time so I got my tea and hurried to drink it as it was so noisy with all the staff there. I went to escape to Chris's room. He was working by himself and rather stressed but i am always welcomed there. Chris's office is a safe place. No science teachers tend to go down to his office for starters! I was sat there talking to him when a guy came in and gave me a good look then asked Chris if he was ok. Chris said he was and when the guy left he gave me a really pointed look I kinda thought "whats his problem?" and noticed he had a different school badge to mine and I thought "someone from another school, if cant be bothered to introduce himself I aint gonna bother introducing myself" and chris sighed when he went and was like "im gonna get a message in a minute" I said "how come?" he said "oh that was head of IT for the trust of schools, like my head head boss. Hes gonna be wondering why youre in my office, and at my desk no less" woops XD how was I to know!?

I worked til lunch then ate my lunch up in the office by myself as Jack and Julia were having school lunch which was on plates so they couldnt come up stairs but to be honest I was glad of the quiet as all day I had talked......so much socialising.....not used to it!

After lunch we had a department meeting and said to Jack I was running out of energy and thinking power and I needed organising so we did my to do list and he wrote on thursday "go to lesson" XD yes my first biology lesson is thursday! I did some more jobs and helped Jack then did computer work as I was knackered. It was just one thing after another. Like as soon as you go to do one of your jobs about 3 people come in talking to you or just wanting things cus your a technician!!!!!!!!! god my head was spinning. I couldnt want to finish.

Mum came to drop Oz over and stayed for a cup of tea and I had fruit loaf too as I needed treat~

I did dinner which wasnt hard as we put the pulled pork on this morning. After dinner we prepped from tomorrow's dinner as its a curry to put on in the morning 

Now I am doing my diary and gonna do some exercise then have a bath or shower. Jack is just having a quick game with the guys. I hope it helps him unwind a bit

we will sit with Oz and watch anime

school tomorrow

please god let me  sleep

but as first days go it wasnt too bad. Its just a lot sometimes