slight lay in before school

 Evening

I was in bed for 9:10pm last night and slept through til 6:50am which was a slight lay in compared to normal as we were going butchers for 8am. As it turned out googled lied to us and it didnt open til 8:30am so we waited around a bit. A little bit annoying as I could have had even longer in bed!!! ><

Got to school and was rudely spoken to by a certain member of staff as she was doing a practical and I wasnt getting it all ready for her as I wasnt in! But as she rudely spoke to me I didnt bother to help or assist really. I walked off to see if other staff were ok

Jack helped me today with bagging the hearts up. He held the bags open I put the hearts in

he helped with my washing up load, and pushing out heavy trolleys as earlier today my knee joint hurt bad from trying to move a heavy trolley with microscopes on. Jack said I should have got him to do it but he was not around, what was I to do

After school mum came over, she brought my dyslexia report from college as I need it for work. Jack happily read it whilst I was talking with mum. It was good to see her finally

Oz has enjoyed playing out and being inside bless him, happy bun

Mum was late leaving so I did my exercises whilst dinner was in the oven then had a hot bath after dinner which was nice

tomorrow

school, hopefully got a bit more of a quieter day, I did manage to put up some display work today but not actually do any art work

so I may get some art done or Julia might want some acid making up. I shall see how the day goes

Im just glad it wasnt another day of horrific pain

She lost Todd

 Evening

I kinda forgot to do my diary, when I was gonna do it my brother rang then I just forgot!

My monday was ok as far as mondays go

I had a lot on and a practical I had got to get ready but no one thought to tell me they werent actually doing it til wednesday....thanks for that

we saw people queuing for fuel when we left for school and when we came home. Madness.

I couldnt wait to finish school I was tired

I had an easy enough dinner, but didnt feel like exercising. However I still did exercise for 10mins

I also got my occupational health report which Jack read then he gave me the gist as I didnt want to read it really. He says they cant discipline me from reading that so that made me feel better

my brother rang me for 20mins which was nice

we were in bed for 9:10pm I was done 

I didnt sleep too bad but I had been aching in bed and couldnt get off to sleep so at 10:20pm I got up for pain killers and dosed myself up

I didnt want to go to school this morning

my day was hard as I knew it was going to be. Had 6 practicals and the big 2 to get ready for tomorrow as well. Jack has helped me but all day my pain killers have done nothing. Not even touched it. Like they were empty tablets. I even took an extra dose at work but it did nothing but give my liver a harder time. I wanted to cry in the afternoon as I had been in agony all day with no let up. I mean I ache constantly my whole life but pain killers do take the intensity off. This was just awful and it becomes relentless. I have to think and do my job in this state whereas all i want to do is go to sleep so i can escape pain.

we prepped all we could for the morning as we are gonna be late tomorrow morning!

we came home and brought Oz in as it was raining. Jack made me fruit loaf and tea and it was amazing especially combined with a lot of pain killers. I went to lay on the bed for 40mins not that I slept but I just needed the comfort of bed.

I did dinner as it was noodles and I used a sauce instead of making a broth just to save me

I am not exercising tonight, I want an easy night of just soaking in a HOT bath and then having an early night this is what I will do. Self care

tomorrow

its school and we are going to the butchers to pick up 65 pork & lamb hearts. They dont open til 8am and we normally start school at 7:50am. So we will be a bit late. I imagine we will be there for first lesson however we have done as much as possible for first lesson and Julia knows the score.

I just hope I feel better tomorrow and not have another day of this

I was suppose to see mummy today but no way could I do that after school.

Mia sent me sad news whilst at school, Todd her family dog was put to sleep today. He was 17. I really liked Todd. I had known him since the first day she got him and I grew up with him really. He was the only dog I had gotten to know as previously I was quite scared round dogs. He made me put trust in dogs and not just think theyre all out to bite me. She said she is very upset which I can imagine bless her.

finished the first drawing

 Evening

I was soooo tired last night after we had come home at 9pm

it had been a LONG day

I woke up at 8:30am, meaning I had slept for 10 hours ^^

not only that but I slept IN MY BED for the first time in a long time. I slept through the night too. I had done so well.

I had breakfast then went to clean Oz out, whilst cleaning him out my mum appeared! She was just dropping a few parcels on her way to the shops and she gave me a cuddle and things ^^

so far my day was good

at 10am we set off to Jack's mum's as it was her birthday

I got there and noticed there was 50th everywhere...he never told me it was a special birthday -___-

I would have made her a special card or something!!!

So I had to sit there and talk and be polite, I was given a home made scone which was nice, at this time of day I would have eaten one of my home made biscuits so I was glad of something. Later on a lovely homemade and very sickly looking cake came out, we sung happy birthday and I very much looked forward to some cake....did I get any!? No!!! WHY!? it just didnt get cut whilst we were over and we stayed til 1pm T^T I was dying I had had enough. Needed food and pain killers

we left and I drove home, there was load of people around so it was stop go stop go - football match on >.> ugh. After I got past that there was a mile long line of traffic...what the hell!? I panicked and got stressed until I managed to smoothly drive down a road parallel to the blocked on and that saved us probably 20-30mins but I was very stressed at this point. Could not wait to go home, be comfy and drugged up. 

we had lunch and I went to bed for just 45mins as it was too late to have a longer nap

I got the odd job done but we had to have an early bath of about 4pm so I didnt get anything done what I wanted to get done

then we went over to Harvey's which was ok, I mean his sofas are nice looking but are not comfy in the slightest. He went for looks more than a practical sofa so I always dread going over. We ordered food but I took my own food as take away gives me bad stomach pains. The meal estimate kept getting pushed further and further back but we had already ordered dessert from another place. I was starving and didnt want to eat my dessert before dinner as thats just wrong

so I sod the guys and ate my dinner at 7:30pm as I was starting to feel sick.

the dessert truly did arrive before the meal. So we ate the dessert I had a sundae but couldnt finish it I had half of it so Jack helped me out. Harvey had to chase up the burgers a couple of time. They arrived at 8:15pm and they ordered at 5:45pm. Jesus. 

we left at 8:50pm I was glad to leave

I had had enough of being round people and sitting down

I hadnt done any exercise all day but I hadnt really eaten much extra so I didnt have anorexic thoughts

we got Oz in and had him in for a bit and he was happy bun

then we went to bed and we could hear the festival going off - which was why there was so much traffic earlier it was because people were trying to get into a festival.

I managed to get off to sleep in the bed again ^^

woke up at 7am and there was no Jack he said he got up at 6am cus he couldnt get off to sleep

I made my biscuits in the morning and we had Oz in for like an hour as well

we did our food shop but I felt really worried on the way there as there was the biggest line for fuel i have ever seen. I didnt know anything about this and it freaked me out. Jack told me people are pointlessly panic buying fuel. When we left the shop the line and got even longer!!! So I rang my mum when I got home and was like "do not go that way!!" blocking islands and sets of traffic lights. sheer madness.

Jack helped me do my soup and I cooked my pork for breakfasts for the week whilst soup cooked

after lunch I had a sleep for 50mins as I felt exhausted. Yesterday did a number on me with aches and such.

When i got up we went for a walk which was nice as it was like 23c and you gotta make the most of this weather! We got back and had a cup of tea and then I did some digital drawing! I even got a picture done!! thank god. For the first time I actually got some drawing done and started another one!

we did dinner, and I helped Jack in the garden and now I am gonna have my weekly pamper sesh in the bath, do my nails later on too.

so its been a bit full on I must say and yesterday I felt wasnt everything it cracked up to be

want an easier weekend next weekend

tomorrow

back at school T^T

I have got a nasty practical back to back in the afternoon

I have the morning to prep it and practice it to see if it will work

I have asked Jack to hold my hand

completed my first full week in months

 konbanwa~

I didnt sleep great, was up til midnight, had a lot on my mind I guess. Then kept waking up

so I felt quite shattered when I got up

I was glad it was friday but I was also ready for it to be the weekend ><

School was ok really

I made 15 litres of hydrochloric acid up, all in an hour as im an actual pro XD

Got my practicals done, washing up completed, tidied up, technician meeting as the 3 of us are stressed with a few things. But I caught up with everything finally - 4 weeks into term and only just caught up....jesus. Managed a bit of art too which was nice as well. 

Mum sent me a txt saying she was cleaning my house *0* and sent a photo of Ozwald as well

so that was all very lovely and kept my spirits up

we got home and had tea and fruit loaf with mummy

she had dusted, hoovered, done the pots, watered the garden. ahhhh i felt spoiled! She did so I would hopefully have some time to myself this weekend as she knows I never get time to myself anymore and my saturday is going to Jack's family and friends. So she did it for me ^^

We had dinner then I instantly fell asleep on the bed. Only for 45mins but god I fell into a deep sleep in seconds. I was exhausted. Mum and Jack had said I looked shattered and pale :/ working myself to death as per usual I guess. Its been my first full week back in months, it was bound to be hard

I did a few bits then 15mins of exercise then had a bath

Its friday so Jack is gaming. He woke me at 6:30pm when he was about to go game and I will wait for him as he says he will be done at 10pm he said I can go to bed sooner if I like but I said I would wait for him :) I like going to bed with him.

Tomorrow

probably clean my chunks out in the morning for him to ditch his cage 10mins after its been cleaned....thats something Oz seems to do each week >.>

Then setting off at 10am to Jack's family's as it's his mum's birthday so were having a cup of tea and cake with them. 

Im hoping to come home for lunch, have a power nap then do some art. Then we are going over to Harvey's for takeaway, well I am taking leftovers from mum for my meal but I will have dessert with the guys. So a full on day of socialising >< 

I just best have time for my art damn it >.>

being disciplined at work!?

 Konbanwa~~

I woke up for a wee in the night, woke up at 5am and was pretty awake after then. Annoyingly

So this morning I felt sicky anxious but I knew it was just because of my test

Jack did go through some questions with me after our break at work, he just said them not wrote them down and I got them right. So I was feeling quite confident and wasnt too nervous come actual lesson We were given 20mins to do the test, I finished in 7. So I checked my answers 

I actually got 32/36! I was aiming for 30 so I was happy with that

a few kids got full marks but Luke was sceptical but its what you get when you mark each other's work. Lowest was 25 marks so I am glad I got what I did really. If I hadnt revised I would have probably got around 10 to be honest. I would have felt real dumb. The revision was needed.

I came back and announced my marks to Jack and he was so happy and proud ^^ He asked where I lost marks and I said I lost 2 on the diagrams, which is when Luke said lots of people lost marks there as its such a bad photocopy. Julia assured me that on an actual exam paper it will be clear and not a copy of a copy of a copy....yeah I couldnt tell what the arrow was actually pointing too! But it was experience that diagrams can look different.

Lunch was needed, and I txted mum what I got in my test ^^

I had my occupational health appointment at 2pm. Lasted 56mins

the lady on the phone was very lovely and I had to go through all my illnesses, my medication, how I feel, a depression test (done these like 1000 times in my life), we talked about my dyslexia and that I think I have ADHD and she said I might be able to get screened for that if theres funding. Which I would do as it means not going on a 3 year waiting list from the GP. She finished up with

"so I think youre ok to attend a meeting about your absences"

come again?....

"what meeting?"

"well because you have over the limit of days off, you have flagged this service as part of the school's protocol. You will need to have a meeting with your manager and a member of HR to see what can be done about your absences and if you need to be disciplined"

I suddenly felt panicked. I had no idea I was having a meeting with someone high up

and disciplined!?

I said "well as long as I have my manager with me as hes my partner too"

she said "no you cant have him there if hes your partner, its conflict of interest"

so that was a meeting I now I had to do and by myself. I felt sick

"why am I being punished? I was poorly I had a sick note from the doctor"

"people do feel like theyre being punished but it just to see if any chances can be made so they can keep you in work and not have as many days off. I believe you will fall under the disability act and as such they will have to support you"

I came off the phone and thanked her beforehand

then cried

I think it was cus I had had an hour of talking about  my health - which I HATE doing

and finding out im having a meeting, with no support to be potentially disciplined

Jack found me as I was opening the office door to let air in, I was hot

I was crying, he made me a tea and talked it out with me. I can have a friend there in the meeting and he said he would go as a friend and get his manager to go as hes still my manager just not direct line manager. its head of department and hes nice enough

i was left feeling quite drained tho by this point

luckily there was less than an hour to go

we got home and mum was home, she had been watering the garden with Ozwald

I had a brew with her and then we all left at the same time as I had doctors appt with Jack

they were running 40mins late so it about killed me off waiting in the car for him but had to be done I guess. Hes got to go to neurology and have a blood test. Its cus he has drop foot for the second time.

We came back and had dinner, then I had tummy ache - pulled pork leftovers strikes again

did 10mins of exercise as it was all I could manage

had a bath then just doing my diary whilst Oz eats me out of house and home

friday tomorrow

and then I would have done my first full week back this term XD

I hope I sleep tonight

stressed, tired and got my first test tomorrow

 Evening

To say Jack didnt come to bed with me last night I did actually sleep really well. Dont think I even noticed when he came to bed. I got up for a huge wee at 1:30am but soon fell back to sleep.

We didnt take Oz to daycare/mums as its not worth it. He came out the garage by himself so I think he is feeling a bit happier today. I noticed when I took him home this morning that he had eaten a fair amount of food during the night which I was relieved about as he had hardly ate all day yesterday including his carrot which isnt like Oz really. 

School was ok just at times very stressful - staff made is stressful

but its because it was open evening for the next year to come up so parents were bring up their year 6 children to see if they want to come to our school next year. It was made stressful as no one seemed to know what they were doing or what they wanted! I got stressed. For 15mins it felt like my medication was stuck in my throat from taking them at lunch. My stomach kept getting churned by anxiety and stress so it hurt. Bloody teachers >.>

We came home and I let Oz out who safe to say has made up for food from yesterday >.>  eating me out of house and home! we had a cup of tea and a piece of fruit loaf and sat for 30mins which took us up 4:50. It is now 8:40pm and we have just sat down. We had 20mins sit for dinner between then. But its just exhausting we've been up since 6:15am. Just none stop always something to do always chores always work. I never get to do anything for myself anymore. I was grateful for Jack doing me another biology test and stuff but on the whole. I just never get time for myself anymore.

This saturday morning is going to Jack's family as its his mum's birthday

the evening is going to his friends. So I have effectively lost my saturday as I will have chores to do between then. 

I envy people on instagram posting so much art each week or several times a week. I couldnt hope to achieve this!! But Jack says people like that often are night owls and have no job or life. Which I know in a lot of cases, is true. But still I do envy free time.

I will try not to moan. I should be grateful for everything I have

Im tired I know I am

So I am gonna take my bunny home in a minute. Going to give him some fuss then take him, hot chocolate then bed. I feel the bags under my eyes are actually pulling my eyes down!

Tomorrow

ugh tomorrow

another full on day

I have my first biology test just before midday, 2pm I have occupational health ringing for an hour. After school Jack has the doctors. 

so yeah another exhausting day

Slept deeply for the first time in months!!!! and I get praise ^^

 Pyon Pyon~~

I slept. Like deeply.....really odd. For me anyway XD

I woke up feeling like I had had a deep sleep. I found my phone on the floor but it lives on my bedside table I dont go to sleep reading my phone. So at some point I had knocked it off in my sleep and even that hadnt woke me!! So strange. I did nothing different tho......

So this morning, Oz didnt come out in the garden which isnt like him. I went to find him and found him sitting on the planks in the garage, i thought I would bring him in for morning carrot and he panicked in my arms as I got closer to the back door. I think he thought he was going in the carrying case - he didnt want to go daycare. I keeps massively stressing him out. 

I said I would give it another go as it means he wouldnt come out much during the winter months, but seeing so unhappy and stressed gets me het up as well. Also hes 4 now and only has a little heart, Id hate for the stress to get him to and he have a heart attack - it can happen!

So txt mum and told her about Oz that he would be staying home. I think this is it now. I think no more daycare. What was meant as a nice thing for him (company and exercise during my working hours) is just stressing him out now. He will be home tomorrow, I hope he comes out in the morning.

I was a little bit anxious about school but it was actually ok and I got it all done including the god forsaken online training. But yeah it was an alright day really. I was just shattered after it

mum was already here. She had done 30mins of gardening for us which was nice of her

I had a brew with her, whilst Jack wrote me some more biology test questions.

We did dinner, which was spicy noodles....Jack thought it was nice and not really spicy....

the first mouthful blew my face off, after the 3rd mouthful I lost the ability to taste anything, after the 6th mouthful I saw Jesus. 

After dinner, my lips were burning like id had the skin pulled from them, my throat burned and my stomach like all my intestines felt burnt!!! Jo does not do spice ><

After I recovered I prepped tomorrows dinner with Jack, then did my biology test and Jack kindly went through it again and I got 13/15! He praised me and said I am always improving ^^ He never makes me feel stupid. Which is how a lot of adults made me feel whilst growing up, which led to me not asking for help, which led to me struggling through my school life. I somehow passed my exams but barely 

I then did a choly ting work out and I was using my weights for the whole 15 mins but it about killed me off!!! Jesus! It wasnt even that 'bad' but god I was done

had a nice soak in the bath

Just looking at make up whilst Oz eats carrot in front of me. I have been thinking of wearing some but Im really into my skin care, I would hate to put something on my face which ruins my skin or makes me break out. So I have ordered a conditioning blush and conditioning lip. Different brands and I will see how it goes I guess. I havent worn make up since before corona!!

Jack is gaming tonight hes been gaming for an hour and I said if hes finishing at 9:30-10pm to not bother coming to bed with me and stay up til whenever as I like to be in bed for 9:30pm. So I am not sure when he will join me. He told me I can get him if I need to tho.

Tomorrow

school really, nothing special, not many pracs so I might get some art done!! <3

oh I was praised - not to my face - by dept head again today when she found out that I was responsible for the displays in science. She asked who did them as they were the best in school

damn straight ^^

sometimes its nice to be praised, other times I dont feel good enough for praise.

depends on what mental state I am in ^^;