worked from home a day early than planned

 evening

I couldnt sleep last night

I was stressing about not sleeping, school, life

I got up and jack bolted up right "WHAT!?" errr 0.0; 

I thought 'jesus hes really mad cus I cant sleep'

I said "erm Im just going toilet" ^^;

he said "right" and fell down to sleep

I left him as I thought he was mad at me

so I worked on some drawings for school and when my thoughts took a dark turn at 3am I decided to bite the bullet and wake him

turns out he remembers nothing about shouting at me. He must have done it in his sleep....scary

so we had fruit loaf and tea then went to bed at 3:45am when I finally got some sleep

I had had A LOT of medication

I woke up at 6:15am to my alarm dripping in sweat and shaking, my heart pounding

awful way to start the day. Had a dream about the friend that died a couple of weeks ago

I took Jack to school. It was clear I was not fit for school

I came home and slept til lunch I was dead.

I had lunch then did some drawing

Mum came over for a bit, then I did some dinner prep and got Oz in who is happy bun today. Hes been playing on the wet grass and I think its helped clean his bum a bit. Mum brought my packages over today and one was his probiotic. I have put it in his water dish but hes a bit sceptical of it. I have seen him drink from it once.

Jack came home and I talked to him for a bit whilst doing some yoga

I did dinner not that I wanted it

Then I laid on the bed, since Jack had come home I had shed a few tears as he wants me to go school tomorrow and I cant face it. When he found me on the bed he said I could stay home tomorrow. I feel I can get more work done at home than at school right now anyway.

i cant face going tomorrow. Hearing 2 classes nail rats down to boards by their paws. Its harrowing and I cant deal with that in my current state.

Ive cried as Im tired, so so tired. and stressed out which is amping my pain through the roof

I had a shower now just waiting for Jack to have his shower

I will take him work tomorrow and work on science club posters.

I just want to die to be honest. I am just so done.

im just not good at being human. Everyone else seems to manage it so well i just seem to constantly struggle and battle through life...

I was just in a depressive state thats all

 Evening

I just haven't felt like doing my diary

I was in a rather depressive state and I couldnt face writing about how crap I felt about life

My thoughts went to dark places. Im not going to write them as I want to move on from them

I just wasnt good and wondered what the point to life was

Im did another box frame over the weekend but need to take photos of it

I didnt sleep that well for school today so I have been tired all day but I havent had much on so I have just done easy sitting down tasks.

I have horrible rat dissections this week tho. total of 3 times. twice on wednesday and I want that day to work from home!! I cant face being round that much rat being cut up right now. Its too distressing with my mental state.

Oz has still had off tummy. Its not every day but its a lot lately. I have ordered him some probiotic to try its one I have had before. But waiting for it to come. Its only what the vet would prescribe anyway and Id rather not stress him out with the vet right now.

I have just this week to go

wednesday Im working from home

friday I finish at 1! so its not too bad of a week I suppose.

dont want to go tomorrow  tho

just dont want to go.

tonight I have still got to do some exercise but not sure what to do yet. Maybe just dance.

then have a nice bath, watch anime and play pokemon.

got to sort Oz's bum out before I take him home T^T

poor bun

More topics done, and Karen....

 Evening

Think I actually slept from like 10:15pm til my alarm. Thats 2 pretty good nights on the trot!

It was nice to wake up and not feel like utter death

I was however stupidly anxious. I felt sick and everything!!! WHY!?

I wasnt even going to work today!!! It was very annoying

I told Jack that some of my anxiety was worrying if I was allowed to stay off school, would I get into trouble, would I be able to get enough work done?

He said it was all totally fine, I wouldnt get into trouble and to do just do what I could. The idea for me to NOT get stressed. Hes right. But anxiety can be so irrational at times.....

I dropped him off at school anyway

I came home and went to bed for an hour and when I woke up my anxiety had gone

I then I got on with my drawing. I managed to get 2 topics done

The Earth

Metals and acids

I started 'forces' but only done the rough outline. So I might finish that or tonight I shall see

I had mum over at lunch time, finally able to see her ^^ We talked about Karen, we found out yesterday that Karen is not going to see christmas....shes in a hospice where its one way ticket. my granny ended up there too. Mum said she burst into tears when she found out. I think it brought it all back about granny and stuff and obviously karen being poorly. Life is short. Life is crap. I cant bare to think about it too much as I just want to cry and cry and cry. I cant imagine what her family is going through....

mum left and I continued drawing

did some chores that Jack normally does so it would help him when he got home

then I started doing a grow with Jo workout and Jack came home. I suggested doing all our chores and having a bath then eating dinner then going to bed which is what we did. Dinner was good tho ^^

I am doing my diary and might do some drawing then I will watch anime, play pokemon and hopefully sleep!

Tomorrow is school

I hope it goes ok

it was freezing in my sleep

 Evening

I kept waking up last night, I was shivering, I was soooo cold! I had goosebumps. Each time I just said "I'm cold" and Jack in his sleep cuddled me. How strange is that? I can make so much noise and move around on the bed and he doesnt wake. I say a couple of words and hes there. I wasnt complaining tho as it helped me get back off to sleep :) I did feel tired, drained and achy when I got up this morning. I am not sure why it was so cold in the night tho. It wasnt snowing and i slept in my dressing gown and with a blanket on the top

School was ok

and Lizzie and Chris came to talk to us it was like a little technician meeting. I like it when we group together. 

I couldnt think straight all morning, I had taken more pain killers as I was aching so much I was just fuzzy and full of pain. I didnt complain to anyone I just tried to get on with it all.

I did computer work in the afternoon but didnt get loads done

I know what I can work on tomorrow tho as I am working from home thank god. Need a recovery day

Its weird not having Luke in tho I am missing him

We came home, had a cup of tea then I did dinner which was noodles, it was easy but I didnt enjoy it.

I laid on the bed for a while. I was so close to skipping out on exercise but somehow I managed 20mins of just dance with weights. I had a shower and now I am just on here doing my diary.

I was to go bed and play pokemon again

I missed my mum today

I told her I could see her for my lunch tomorrow so we've decided to do that I was tired after work.

missing mummy and I think shes felt a bit flat, I need to pick her spirits up

I hope I sleep tonight and its not cold again.

Jack's stomach is off I cant get him out of that bathroom since we've come home i hope hes ok.

nothing form fitting or clinging

 Konbanwa~~

Last night we played pokemon in bed, I drifted asleep but suddenly woke up at 11pm needing a wee but after that i slept through to my alarm so I didnt feel too dead when I got up. I was however really sicky anxious for whatever reason

I did manage to wear my new dungarees for the day. I did feel constantly fat and self conscious so I am not gonna deal with that again tomorrow >.> 

My day was actually pretty ok

we had 3 science teachers off so it was quiet I guess. But poor Luke has covid. No science lesson for me this week :/ might sit in another class's lesson.

I got my day done, did a lot of computer work which I still havent finished actually! cant believe how long it is taking me. Then I need to go through it with Jack

We got home and had a cup of tea then did dinner. Dinner was good as the chicken had been marinating for 24 hours

after dinner I looked online for a new disney CD for work and found 2 disk set for £2 so I ordered that. Everyone seems to quite enjoy it XD

now doing my diary, then I will dance, have a bath and then watch anime then go play pokemon in bed. Have an easy evening

tomorrow is school, I will be wearing joggers as I just cant cope with anything slightly clingy or form fitting

and seeing mummy tomorrow as well~

Jigglypuff Box Frame

 Evening

So last night I did my nails and was in bed for 9:30pm, I played pokemon but I was aching and not really feeling it and I wanted to see if I had stuff to do another box frame. So I went under the stairs and got my pokemon box out (which I have to move 5 other massive boxes first to get to) then I had a look at stuff I had to make it cute as I had found 2 eevee cards and it was eevee I was thinking of doing a frame for.

Jack came downstairs from gaming at 10:45pm and found me he said I looked pale and waxy 

I told him I couldnt sleep

he cuddled me in bed and told me to wake him if I couldnt sleep, he made me promise

I did try to sleep, I felt more relaxed with him there but I still couldnt sleep, I got up and took pain killers and stayed up 10mins and as I felt like it was gonna be a while I did decide to wake Jack. He made me fruit loaf and we played pokemon til 2am. Yup it was a long night for me! 

We woke up at 8:40am so we had a quick morning to get out the house for food shopping

I felt anxious and panicky whilst shopping, I think when you're tired you cant cope as much

we came home and brought Oz in for morning carrot he enjoyed that. 

Then in the space of 70mins I got

my soup cooked

biscuits made

meat cooked for breakfast

marinated fish for tonight

marinated meat for tomorrow dinner

I smashed it! I was determined to not be in the kitchen all day!

We had lunch and I felt like I could go for a sleep but didnt want to

Instead I cut and sewed Oz's new toilet blanket....

we went for an hour's walk as the sun actually came out!! It was a nice walk actually, and we havent spent any time together this weekend so it was good to do. Jack was gonna play with Theo again tonight but after I told him how anxious and worried I was about school tomorrow he changed his mind whilst we were on the walk. I said I would be fine but he said he wanted to be there for me and spend time with me.

We got back and had a cup of tea

then I popped Oz in the living room with Jack as he was just playing pokemon on TV

I was on my laptop looking for eevee things

I looked and looked but what I could find just wasnt doing it for me

so in the end the idea came to me, why dont I do Dedenne? it would be the same colour scheme so my work so far isnt wasted. I looked for Dedenne stuff and found cute things I brought the frame which was £10 and the dedenne stuff was £10. But honesty if i sold these frames I could make double that.

Here is my Jigglypuff one

Everyone has said how good it is.

We had dinner and now I am gonna take Oz home and have a bath and unwind. We are gonna watch anime and play pokemon in bed. I hope I sleep

not sure what tomorrow will bring as Luke has emailed saying "waiting on PCR test, expecting the worst" baring in mind he along with 2 other science teachers were at the school christmas party on friday. So if teachers need to self isolate or whatever, if we dont have enough staff in to staff the school, could the school be shut!? :3 thats just wishful thinking I know >.>

but really, why have sodding office parties in this climate....seriously. We were invited obviously, but we decided we didnt want covid and didnt go

mine and guineas pamper morning

 Evening

we were playing pokemon in bed til 11pm just cus I couldnt sleep. Even then it took me a while but I did sleep. Woke up at 8am and let Oz out, I was determined for him to have some outdoor time as he doesnt get a lot of outdoor time right now. 

This morning I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned Oz out and scooped my boy up and went over to mum's for 10am

we sat having a brew, I cut truffle's fur, both hers and tillie's claws. Then mum dyed my hair. I dyed my eyebrows whilst my hair dye was doing it's thing

Then I had a shower and dried my hair it looked shiny and healthy and my eyebrows looked uniform

I went to bring Oz in so mum could help me cut his claws but bless him he bum was in a mess. Why? we're not even giving him anything. So I said to mum I was gonna take him home and sort him out. I was home for 12:30

I released Oz outside as he was stressed out from the car journey so when he calmed down Jack helped me with what had to be done. I held Oz but he kept squirming and shaking so I had to keep putting him down (I did it on the floor anyway) and give him cuddles then let jack cut the fur again. He got a lot off him as when mum looked at it she said it was just one big hard clump there was no way he would be able to sort it himself. I took him home with a peace of bunny popcorn to chill out as we had stressed him out. He knew we were trying to help as he was growling or biting and he could have

we were gonna go for a walk but when I looked out it was spitting and when Jack looked at the weather it was set to rain all afternoon. Man was I glad that we didnt walk. It has been horrible all afternoon. So I worked on my Jigglypuff pokemon box frame and went to rest on my bed at times. I had brought Oz in at 3pm as it was clear he wouldnt go out and Jack was only playing pokemon on the TV so I left them too it whilst I did my box frame.

I broke off for a brew then went back, then did dinner then went to continue my frame until I got it finished about 7pm! I am really pleased with it too! It looks really good actually. Jack says its good. He has been playing with Theo online since 6:45pm and will be playing til late tonight, he did ask and I said it was fine. i am ok today so yeah he may as well. We just havent really spent any time together, think the only time we have been in the same room has been at meal times!

I cleared my mess up and went to do bunny yoga but Oz has been in the loaf position for ages. I think he was tired from his day, hes been to mums and had tummy ache. So yeah he didnt do much bunny yoga and I took home half way through as I could tell he was tired and hungry. So I popped him home for the night at 8:20pm. I did 45mins of yoga just so I felt like I had done some exercise today without getting sweaty and needing another shower.

I have had a hot chocolate whilst doing my diary, now I am gonna do my teeth, clean my face and do my skin care, paint my nails and play pokemon in bed. Should be in bed for 9:30pm

tomorrow

weekly shop

soup to make, biscuits to make, meat to cook, meat for monday to marinate, exercise to do and I have a blanket to cut up and sew so Oz can wee on it XD

I also plan on taking a photo of my box frame~