Oz tried to hump me

 Evening

I slept like the dead, I didnt even wake to Jack coming to bed. He wasnt even that much later than me going to bed but I was long gone.

I got up with him this morning, but I noticed upon walking to the kitchen, it was so painful to walk. I was so relieved that I wasnt going school. I just needed to take Jack to school

As soon as I got home from dropping him off I went to bed for almost 2 hours

I cant believe how much I slept and how deeply. I think I just had no more to give

I got up and began my work tho

mum came over for lunch but I felt too tired to hold a conversation. She brought the girls over which was nice. She left and I laid down for a bit I just was so tired for whatever reason. I really does get frustrating being this drained and tired. 

I got up and got 1 part of my work finished - a 50th card from the science department. 

People were up for it and gave me ideas about Mel I could write. But I must say - it took a lot longer than I thought it was going to! But I didnt want it to look crap you know?

I brought Oz in and had fruit loaf and tea with him. I sat on the floor. He came grunting over which is day to day thing Oz does. but he suddenly really intently sniffing my wrist as I was leaning on my arm laying on my side. He then started grunting and I could tell he was being frisky.....He let off a smell as well. And it was like he wanted to hump my arm....but didnt quite know what to do....he was kinda trying to do it but just ended up lifting one back foot then the other like he was walking on the spot which is an odd sight for a bunny.

This is VERY ODD behaviour for Oz. Frisky behaviour for a bunny is common - however - Oz have NEVER shown any mating signs/humping/frisky behaviour etc. Even when he still had his manlyhood. He never did it. Which I did find weird as all my other bunnies did it and I couldnt wait to get them castrated! But Oz never did it. I had him castrated as soon as he was old enough as it makes them smell better XD So when he tried this today I must say it did shock me. But bless his cotton socks, he couldnt work out how to do the 'hump' action. No one had thought to tell Oz how to do it XD that was 30 seconds of behaviour nether me or him with ever understand

Jack came home not long after that actually and I told him it was weird for Oz but Jack didnt seem that fussed.  We talked about our days then reheated our leftovers for dinner

had dinner and then Jack went for a shower, I went to fuss Oz on the floor and once again he tried this frisky-like behaviour. There must have been a smell on that sleeve/wrist maybe? as it was only there he was trying it with. This time he grunted and his bum was twitching and he tried to pick a back foot up but once again he just did not know how to do the action and gave up after 15 seconds XD I just hope this isnt going to be a thing with him as I can't stop this 'desire' I have already taken his balls theyre aint much else I can have chopped off!

I felt exhausted, it still hurt to walk and stand but I knew after 2 days of doing no exercise, skipping again wasnt an option as other areas of the body were starting to scream. I didnt know what exercise to do but then remembered my mum brought my post over and in it was a new just dance game! so I went on that for half hour with Oz watching me as usual. It was really good!! the dances are harder thats for bloody sure!

I put him home and I cleaned the bathroom, god I could not face it but it had to be done

I had a 30min bath! i was so soggy XD

now just doing my diary

Tomorrow

got Oz to clean out

car to clean - jack says he will help 

science work to do T^T

it was karen's funeral

 Evening~~

I slept well last night, after laughing at the 'science fell in love' anime

I got up for school and my legs felt a bit better, I was glad I had chosen not to exercise last night

my first thought today was "its karen's funeral" I had even dreamed of my granny and was crying telling my mum how much I miss granny. I think its because granny and karen died in the same manner

school tho, the moment I started walking round school my legs hurt....

yet another day in awful pain

I was keeping an eye on the time. Thinking about mum going to the funeral, about karen etc

I had had enough tho, just being on my feet hurt.

I felt quite flat but was doing my best to keep it together

I got home and found mum here and she had let Oz outside but he didnt appreciate it XD

Jack went upstairs leaving us alone

mum talked to me about karen's funeral. She brought with her the little book you get at funeral with a lovely photo of karen on the front which made me want to cry just from seeing that

it sounds all in all that the family did brilliantly holding it together. Mum said they had painted her casket which was something karen had said to me years ago - before her cancer - thats what she wanted to happen when she died. I was glad her wish came true.  Mum said you could even touch the casket! but mum didnt. She also didnt go to the wake just because of covid and how many people were going! also mum is still recovering from her virus and said the funeral did her in. Funerals are exhausting tho.

I started crying, I couldnt keep it together any longer. I thought about karen, granny, life. Yeah i let it out.

I did dinner when she left not that I felt like it, I just wanted it done out the way

I cried for an hour then after then

the mask I do so well to wear, to keep that brave face on, to pretend all is well

fell off. I just silently cried. Jack hugged me and went to wash up but was keeping an eye on me. He cuddled me after he had finished. I told him I was fine. There was no need to go into the usual thing wrong with me - being long term sick and how it impacts my day to day life. I also felt I had no right to cry today as Karen's family must be going through hell right now.

I couldnt exercise, I was wiped and felt dizzy and headachy. So I decided to grab a quick shower. I wasnt in the mood for a bath, thought it would make me feel worse. A shower kinda brought me out my symptoms. I am just sat doing this whilst sitting with a face sheet on. To try calm the inflammation on my face and swelling

I might get round to drawing. Last night I attempted drawing for a few mins but my eyes were so blurry and tired that everytime I drew a line I pressed UNDO afterwards. I gave up. I was just so shattered that I ended up getting ZERO time to myself and went to watch anime with Jack before bed. But I may attempt it again tonight

tomorrow

I AM WORKING FROM HOME

I have plenty to be getting on with, I refuse to put myself through another day of pain for work. I missed my friends funeral for work, I am in so much pain I do not want to waste my weekend recovering from work. So I put my foot down and said to Jack I would be working from home tomorrow. I had made this decision earlier at school when my legs were screaming at me so I prepped for tomorrow and monday so to take the stress off Jack. Jack is fine with me doing this. Mum said she will come eat lunch with me so it isnt a long day of being by myself.

so it should be a nicer day on my body mentally and physically tomorrow

in so so much pain, it hurts to walk

 Evening

I slept well last night

but this morning, god my body

my legs and lower back KILLS

it actually hurts to walk. To the point where I could cry

all I wanted to do was stay home and sleep. I needed to be out of pain

but instead Jack just told me to take regular breaks

I was on my arse for hours doing nothing. I thought "if he wont let me stay home, I will make it so it is like I was home" XD but to be honest I couldnt do much

but after break time I did start to pick up a bit

but the pain of walking....it was like someone squeezing my muscles constantly combined with growing pains. I wanted to cry. 

So I have overdosed~

I somehow got through my day going from perch to perch

Mum was home when we got in, and I was in such a mood. Cobby and grouchy

but I soon chilled out, Jack left me to mum think he wanted to escape me XD

I went to have a bath

I wasnt going to exercise today as I felt any exercise was going to make matters worse

so I was in the bath ages and massaged my calves with muscle relaxing body wash and it helped a bit.

Then I made biscuits then served up the curry we put on this morning.

Oz has just gone home and I might have 10mins of drawing then watch anime and go bed

I am so exhausted

this is what I have been working on anyway

its for my brother's birthday, if it turns out well I will get it printed as a glass coaster for his new work desk I think

if I feel like this tomorrow and still hurts to walk - i will not be going

I feel i pushed into going school today and really i should have recovered at home

but anyway. the day is done

bed......where is my bed T^T

im walking like a cripple

tomorrow is school

i have my biology lesson and I have a practical to do

it hurt to stand

 Evening

I woke up a few times last night and got for 2 wees, turns out Jack did too! we are like an old couple already haha

I was abit anxious about going school but not as bad as yesterday. It was -1c tho like yesterday T^T

but oh my god

school

so busy

Jack had meetings to attend and other things meaning he wasnt around for support. I was overwhelmed with the sheer volume of work and I was so close to crying. There was so much to do. It was hurting to stand up as I had been on my feet so much. It was a very very hard day. I just wanted my bed so bad

I got home and mummy was home which was nice. We had tea with her and Oz

mum is still feeling poorly but she didnt look as deathly as I thought she was gonna do

She left and I did our noodles which only took like 10-15mins to cook. It was bliss having an easy dinner after a hard day. I had stew to prep for the morning tho

did 20mins of exercise videos and then went for a bath but forgot to take Oz home

usually I take him home before my bath as I dont like going out to the garage with damp hair

so Jack - during my bath - picked Oz up and took him home!! this never happens! It was such a surprise that Oz cooperated and Jack was brave enough! and it went well!

I am gonna do a bit of drawing now! like literal 10mins

I then will watch anime and go bed as bed feels like an actual treat right now....

I am hoping school wont be as bad tomorrow

New Just Dance games!

 Evening

I slept pretty well

but today felt sicky and anxious for whatever reason

I was also tired

school was ok

I went to see Lizzi and ended up being with her for an hour for one thing and another -_____-

I couldnt do a simple working out of how strong a chemical needed to be because all I could think about was my weight, how fat I look and feel, to skip lunch, to not eat when I get home etc

It was doing my head in - literally! 

Found it so frustrating. mentalness just been bad today I guess

I got the day done tho

Mummy is still poorly

Julia said her daughter is off school poorly, she sounds like she had the exact same bug as mum actually. My poor mummy T^T

we got home. I was so so dead honestly

I had bad aches which I had at school, I was shattered and had a splitting headache

but the show must go on, I had dinner to cook 

then I was determined not to do any exercise tonight

but I knew after how my head had been today that I would end up killing myself if I did no exercise. I would be full of self hate and not sleep

so I managed 15mins of just dance but I really didnt try

dont think I was even sweating afterwards

went for a bath and when I came out I decided to look for just dance games on ebay

and wooooooo they had 2016 AND 2017

2016 is the one I need next and is usually £25 pre-owned in shops

I got it for £12 pre-owned. Then 2017 was only £13! such bargains needed to be had

Jack is having the new pokemon game this month so I need something XD

I have wanted another just dance for ages but never want to pay out for it

I know I wont play them every night but theyre a good alternative to weights or work outs in general. I only play whilst wearing weights now tho XD

now I might get some drawing done whilst Jack is in the bath, he takes ages to even get in the bath. Never known someone to spend so long on the toilet -_____- 

tomorrow is school

and hopefully seeing mum after school too!

I couldnt weigh myself

 Evening

I slept ok and got up for Oz at just before 8am

we had a bunny with attitude to deal with this morning >.>

We got the shopping done and I did the shed load of cooking

had lunch, had a rest for an hour on my bed but didnt fall asleep

then I felt flat all afternoon my body is physically TIRED but I hate resting

I spoke to my mum on the phone then my brother

I attempted some drawing but I hardly did any

did dinner then I was gonna skip exercise but I managed to do 20mins on just dance

I am shattered now tho

I used the Wow dream coat on my hair for the first time and my hair actually feels thicker and is shinier its strange! I hope it last the 4 days like it says, I would do it again!

Got school tomorrow T^T going dressed as a school girl XD

this morning

I asked Jack to weigh me. Just to tell me Muscle mass. I did want to know body fat percentage but thought best not push it.

however

as soon as I held the scales in my hand. I could the pull and hold they had over me

I WAS GOING TO OBSESS

I told jack how I felt. He took them and hid them! He actually hid them!

He said its not worth it

I agreed

I mean as VERY tempting it is to become leaner and skinnier - it is not worth making myself poorly. I have walked away. I can tell where I am right now with my mental health that it would just be a downward spiral.

I told mum and I think she was relieved

yeah its not worth it

at the end of the day I exercise to better myself mentally and physically. Not to be bothered about numbers. I need to stick to this belief

dont wanna go school tomorrow T^T

Gave mia her Todd canvas

 Evening~~

Last night I got a lot done and waited round for Jack who said he would finish gaming at 10pm. I got into bed at 10pm and I didnt noticed him come to bed.  I fell asleep like straight away! i was just that shattered. Jack told me in the morning he wasnt long after 10 to bed XD I was just tired obviously. 

I woke up at 7am and considered going back to sleep but I didnt want to same mistake to happen as last saturday. Instead of over sleeping and and mum knocking at my door it would be mia. So I decided to get up. I got Oz in and had breakfast with him then I scooped him up at 8am and he came with me to wake Jack up. I sat with Jack for a bit then went to clean Oz out. mia turned up just after 9am for a walk

I gave her her birthday present finally! And she LOVED it said it was the most thoughtful birthday present she had received. She was off to her parents house afterwards to she said she would show off her canvas of her past dog - todd

we went for a walk and it was nice to see her. She talked about weddings and things. I still feel no jealously or desire for marriage. I truly am happy where I am in life with Jack. I dont think if he asks me to marry him that he loves me more. Or that the reason he hasnt asked me to marry him yet is because he is unsure on the relationship. I think we are both content and if we chose to get married we will know when the time is right. Mia was asking what I would do for my wedding but it all depends on my health - how much I can handle, and money - how much we want to pay out for. Weddings are too expensive. Mia is going registry office then renting a venue for a big party. As its far cheaper and she wants to spend the money on a holiday to florida rather than spending the money on the rental of a wedding venue for a few hours. Literally she could rent a wedding venue for several hours for £5000 or go to florida for a full on 2 week holiday for the same price. Sickening 

I got home and had a cup of tea I was a bit cold as it has been like 0c today. Mum phoned so I spoke with her for a bit

We had lunch and I went to bed for an hour reluctantly but I was really tired. The cold walk had taken it out of me.

Then I cant remember what I did then but we decided to go to the next town for some bits. I was getting it out the way so I could see mum tomorrow. but she txt me later on saying shes felt so poorly and been in bed for 2hours :( my poor mummy. So I wont go see her tomorrow.

we came in and had a tea to warm us up and brought Oz in

I chose what nail art I wanted to do then went for a bath, we did dinner and had that in pyjamas which was nice. I was soooo hungry. Now I am doing my diary but I will do some drawing soon then do my nails before bed!

Tomorrow

is weekly shop and the load of cooking I usually have to do ><