"are you ok?"

 Evening

I did not sleep well

I am so tired

waking for a wee at 

10:30pm

1:02am

1:24am

seriously!? what the hell! literally taking the pee

It was still so windy on the way to school. The car was moving in the wind! the lights in the house earlier kept flickering

school was ok

it wasnt particularly hard just long

I was so done

The window guy rang and was trying to come over but obviously we are at work now, however I arranged for him to come at 4pm and for mum to let him in. On the way we hit roadworks so it took us longer to get home I was a cripple getting out the car. I was stressed as I felt I had 2 people waiting on us.

The guy was nice and put all the measurements down and what we want, hes gone to go price it up and will give us a quote. 

we did dinner which luckily was pretty easy as I had cooked the chicken yesterday

I did 30mins of yoga which Oz joined in on, and I fussed him LOADS, he was in the mood for a good fussing, think he had missed us today.

I had a bath and now I want my bed but I will watch anime

tomorrow another dull school day

today I was asked several times by different people "are you ok?"

yup peeps I am currently this pale and dead looking as this is my life

I just reply "yeah im fine"

as what do you say? "no Im not ok, how long have  you got? my life is a wreck. Just 35 more years and I can end it" but no you say the generic "im fine" cus people dont car, people dont wanna know, people havent got time. So what is even the point to "are you ok?"

i am pale, my lips have no colour heck even my NAILS have gone a pale colour. My feet and hands are often pale/blue/purple. I look like death 24/7

still, we go on

I had a go with my new crayons

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night, given the wind and rain

also when Jack told me this morning - he had actually left me in the night! I did not know this! He was playing pokemon in bed, it hadnt gone well and he felt wound up so he went upstairs to game on his PC and kill things XD I had no idea any of this went off. Good job as I would have killed him if he had woke me. We both got up at 8am anyway cus we needed to do food shop. It was just so horrible out there tho T^T

Food shop was ok, I was going dizzy a lot. Like my heart was working over time just to keep me upright. My lips were lilac and white when I got up. Jack said I looked pale round the shop. he told me to stop bending down for things. Which is what mum told me to do at TK on friday cus I was like this on friday. My blood doesnt seem to be very good right now. Maybe I am anaemic? Im so pale and dizzy and exhausted so I am wondering if to get a blood test done.

we got home and unpacked well Jack unpacked anyway.

then for an hour after I had sat down, I was cooking. I got a lot done ^^ made biscuits and half made 3 dinners! anything to make life easier for myself for when i go back to school!

I had lunch with Jack then I did some colouring in with my new pencil crayons ^^ it was nice to do as I havent done that in such a long time and theyre really good. It made me realise just how time consuming it is compared to digital art! I kept taking breaks as I was tired and achy

I had a break with Oz and Jack tho. I had a brew and fruit loaf. Then somehow managed 50mins of yoga. I really wanted to stretch myself out. Oz kept checking in on me. Jack said I looked pale and waxy. I have no idea what he sees in me. My health sucks and I look like death 99% of the time

Im just doing dinner now I hope it will be good ^^

Then I suppose I will have a bath and go to bed

I have my outfit sorted for tomorrow as unfortunately it is school tomorrow. After 9 days away from the place, I get a taste for freedom to say the least. I have no idea how the hell I am going to manage as I am tired, pale, and struggle to walk.

but hey gotta work til im 65 so I best get used to it! only 35 more years to go~ 

its still windy and rainy out and has been allll day, to be honest the whole of this holiday has been crap weather. Oz is happy to be in anyway

7+hours of house bun

 Pyon~

I slept pretty well last night as I was just dead after I had done everything. I had been to my parents and come home to repot my cactus and plants which look amazing ^^

This morning I got up at 7am and Jack got up at 8:30am. I left him in bed to sleep. I brought Oz in and had an amazing breakfast with him. I had banana cake and a biscuit X3 sugar!!!! I went and cleaned Oz out and then Jack was up. I then cleaned the bathroom, did my shopping list too, then 40mins of yoga, got ready to go over to mummy's

she gave me some home made fruit loaf which was nice and gave me some to take home. I trimmed truffs fur and she was grateful bless her. dead good she was and she looked better.

I left at 12:30 and had lunch of hot chocolate and fruit load then I went to bed for a couple of hours as I had enough I was exhausted. I didnt want to get up to be honest but I did. I had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack and then did some more work in my sketchbook.

the weather had cleared up and I fancied a walk as its been weeks since I have walked with Jack as I have been struggling to walk. but it looked nice, I wanted to get out for a walk with my Jack so we literally walked from one street to another. We were gone like 10mins if that, it was cold but nice to do. We had left Oz in the living room whilst we were gone as it wasnt worth putting him home for that.

we did dinner which was nice, I took Oz home - he had been in for 7 hours, plus extra from this morning hes practically a house bun >.> he helped himself to a bouquet of flowers I have on the hearth from my birthday, demands food, and gives fuss.

then I had a bath, which was soooo hot I came out panting and red. I was trying to kill the aches. But did myself in a bit ^^; 

I did a little bit more colouring in my sketchbook, we are gonna watch anime now then play pokemon in bed ^^

tomorrow I am going food shopping

got biscuits to make, meat to cook, fish to prep, breakfast meat to cook, but no soup to make luckily ^^

I have been anxious about school being on the horizon. And the fact that I still cant walk properly...

big isnt always better

 Evening

I couldnt get off last night despite being half dead from massage

I had to get up and eat something and take lots of drugs. By which time jack finished gaming and came to bed so we went to bed at the same time. I woke up in the night for a huge 2L wee XD and even at 8am I needed a huge wee. Its all from massage, but surprises me how much the human bladder can hold @.@

I was dead this morning I had lilacy white lips, lovely. Theyre usually pale but not THAT pale....

But I couldnt bare to waste a day inside 4 walls so after mum txt me to see how I was this morning I told her I could manage going to TK with her. But then she told me to go get Jack's permission >.> how unfair is that!? its just cus I am prone to pushing myself and Jack knows this. He gave me the terms and conditions, like I had to say before I was dying that I am dying, not to carry bags. So I told mum and she came for me at 9:30am. i put my bank card in her purse so it meant I had nothing to carry. No keys or phone XD 

we had a look around for almost an hour, I managed to buy 2 plants pots and they match ^^ they are for my bathroom as my plants in there are desperate for a repot. I got some hot chocolate too and a candle that smells like chocolate. I am picky with candles and also light them almost everyday. As Oz being in the lounge so much can make it smell of....bun....

we got home and mum helped me bring stuff in

she stayed for a quick cup of tea then left. I recovered and had my lunch. I felt too wired to sleep tho so I sat and drew~ I drew for ages but was taking breaks when i couldnt sit at the desk anymore. Jack likes the drawing so far, I havent drawn in a sketchbook for ages!!! I want to test my pencil crayons out and I feel the first thing I do with them should be for jack ^^ 

My brother came over just before dinner, after I had a bath. He came to drop off his work graphics tablet for me to have a go with as its like A3 size 0.0 its freakin huge! but in doing this he had to download the new wacom software as my tablet is 10+ years old....

doing this deleted my settings for my tablet so I was a bit sad but I wanted to have a go on a big tablet to see if I would want to upgrade to a big tablet one day.

We had dinner when my brother left and Jack went to game. I sat in the lounge with Oz. I was testing out my brother's tablet but I could not get on with it. DOES NOT NEED TO BE THAT BIG!!! size is not everything it would seem. Literally couldnt cope with it being that big. So I went to plug mine back in and nothing worked, i was googling how to set stuff up, couldnt do it. i was getting anxious and frustrated until at 7pm I took Oz home and went to my parents.

No one was expecting me and they were happy to have me. My brother put everything back to normal for me on my laptop as I took everything over with me. i was relieved and felt I would actually be able to sleep tonight.... 

mum cut me some banana cake she made today it was so good! she gave me some to take home and some biscuits she made and they were for Jack as she said "i dont know if you will share that cake" XD she knows me well. I had a pig sit and told truffs I would see her tomorrow for a trim.

I stayed til 8:30pm and came home. jack had realised I had gone. I forgot to say anything to him and didnt take my phone ^^; I was in so much of pickle over my tablet. He was fine and happy to have a biscuit I brought to him

Hes still gaming for a short while more then hes coming down

whilst he was gaming I repotted 4 plants. he wouldnt let me do it earlier as he didnt want me to push myself but I got it done ^^ my new pots are in the bathroom and look so nice!! I am so happy with them :D and other plants have had a shuffle. My coconut has a bigger pot now but I dont think it will last it long as it wasnt that much bigger but it will tide it over for now. couldnt keep it in the pot it came in it was cruel! I fed everything rain water I have been cultivating in an old coffee jar like some crazy person.

I am very tired and achy now tho but I feel I have achieved something

tomorrow

got Oz to clean out and bathroom to clean, then going to mums for an hour mainly to trim truffs fur as my god she a mess~ then probably draw rest of the day or do some actual revision i guess.....

Our 3rd anniversary

 Evening

I ran out of time yesterday

I woke up at 7am and I made biscuits and got ready to go into the city centre 

I was a bit disappointed as my legs were hurting and I wasnt able to walk my best. I think it was because the day before I had been sat like all day with Lizi.

My brother pulled up at 8:50am and he was using my desk to work from home. I would be leaving my brother and boyfriend alone together. Something that would have never happened a year ago. My brother was still unsure round Jack but little by little hes getting more comfortable round him. Jack is learning more about my brother too. I was feeling ok about leaving the two of them alone

Mum picked me up at about 9:30am and we headed into the city on a very windy day. we got on a bus and yeah the whole thing felt like 10 years had passed. When had I last gone into the city? when had I last gone with her?

we walked round, and she pitied me, I know she did. She told me that she and dad cant bare seeing me like this. Told me they wanted me to reduce my hours or aim for Lizi's job once she moves on. Something I literally cant afford to do. She said I have no life, I just work and suffer, and why? I had spent my whole 20s suffering, id be soon 40 having spent my 30s suffering. thank you mum.  she wasnt saying it to depress me, shes worried and wants whats best. But we need something called MONEY which is something you get less of if you work part time

we looked round several jewellery shops in the aim of finding rings. However we didnt really find anything we truly liked. It would have been picking out something for the sake of it. She was shocked at how much stuff was and said she hadnt brought out enough money and if she tried to use her bank card it would probably get blocked as she never uses it T^T she told me this as we had stopped at midday for cake and hot chocolate. So at this point I decided to not push myself any further as I could barely walk and we wouldnt be able to buy anything anyway. But to be honest I am not bothered. Yeah I ring would be nice I guess but I dont NEED it, I had a nice time with mummy, we had gone TK MAXX and brought them out of their rabbit easter stuff XD we had an amazing cake. Everyone has made a fuss of me for my birthday, I dont need anything else.

She dropped me off and she stayed 10 or so minutes to talk with my brother. I hugged her goodbye and went straight to bed whilst she was still here XD

I got up and had a cup of tea with Jack and we talked about our days, we had a bath, my brother finished up work and left us. I was keeping Oz in til the last possible minute so I wouldnt need to have him out when I got home. However he ended up going home a bit early as he went a bit mad. He jumped onto my bare skin arm, started humping my hand but was holding on with his teeth...i was squealing at him as my god it was so painful, if it wasnt for me having thick skin then he would have pierced it. I squealed as I didnt want to scare him by screaming no matter how much I wanted to scream, i was trying to prise him off my arm but his jaw had like locked onto my skin. Jack came running through as he could hear me distressed. Oz just about finished at this point and left me with 2 purple/red teeth marks. I felt my eyes water - from pain and shock. Jack told me to take him straight him (he was in a towel from the bath) I put Oz home and usually he does 180 in a second and checks his food dish for his evening treat or even my hand for a treat, however, he did not do this. He went all low and submissive like he knew I wasnt happy with him

we got to harveys for about 6:30

it was good to see harvey and theo. They ordered burgers and I took fish soup over. We started eating and I asked Jack what day it was he said "wednesday" I said "its also our 3rd anniversary" he said "yeah I know its our anniversary"

Harvey turned to theo "shall we leave for them to have it out?" XD I had deliberately waited to ask him in front of his friends just to see what laughs would come of it. Harvey was calling Jack all names under the sun. Jack was playing it up saying "woman know their place" theo was laughing

It made me laugh. I know my Jack loves me. We had decided to not do anything for our anniversary as I was running short on energy this holiday and also cant walk! we havent had a day out anywhere together this holiday cus of me.

we ordered pudding and I ordered my own pudding instead of eating jack's free ice cream. I had fudge cookie dough, ice cream, custard and really enjoyed it. I mean I wanted to kill myself afterwards but I did enjoy it and didnt get crippling tummy ache

we left at just before 9pm. I said to jack when we left "shall we pretend to have a row on harveys doorstep?" he laughed and said he would love to do that.

I got home and was having thoughts about food. I also felt sad about Oz it felt like we had gone to bed on an argument and i was hoping he wasnt upset doing bunny tears. I managed to get some sleep

this morning it hurt to walk from walking with mum yesterday

i had a banging headache, i felt exhausted and i think my body was screaming at me to just god damn rest. something which i am not good at ^^; however I have very much lazed about today it feels like a waste of life but suppose needed to be done.

Oz was ok with me, I went to get him out this morning and he was all submissive and low and gave me lots of licks. He wants his mummy to love him

I went for a massage at 4pm and it felt so good, i told her my shoulders are sending pain up neck to my head she told me afterwards that they were horrendous and she did my legs but was careful. shes very good at her job. she gave me some skin care to try and I booked in another massage for easter holidays and also booked in some reflexology as my mother requested 

i came home and ate as i felt a bit sicky and thought a hot bath might make me feel even more sick. she  had told me that if i could soak my shoulders in hot water that would be good as she did a number on them and they will ache come tomorrow. so after my dinner which i just reheated in the microwave, i had a hot bath. Jack has been gaming on a new PC game since 4:30pm, some warhammer game hes playing with theo. So he made wraps and took them to his study. He asked if this was all ok and it was as i am dead.

I am just doing my diary with Oz on the floor snoring, its only 8pm XD

I will be going to bed soon, by myself

tomorrow

mum said she will ether go TK MAXX with me or come over for a brew she says it depends how I am. I know I need to rest tho so if I am crippled which I imagine I will be - then it will be a rest day

Id like to get some drawing done, as I have finished drawing the pokemon for the case i just got to do the background

Gel nails with Lizi :D

 Evening

I slept okish, apart from getting up at midnight needing to eat something as I felt sick and my stomach burned from tablets. I woke up at 8am and got Jack up as we needed to get the stew on

Jack did chores and also rang the window company to tell them to stick it. He didnt like what he read online about them, I mean I didnt want them over anyway so I was unwilling to give my time and energy to them. We are still hopefully getting the window guy over my parents have used later in the week.

I did some drawing in the living room with Jack and Oz which was nice. But I was so tired and kept laying on the bed. I had a quick lunch of porridge before Lizi came over

she came over at 12:20pm and left at 7:30pm......7 hours of talking and pretending to be ok ^^;

to say I am exhausted is an understatement. I had no strength left. No exercise happened and i ate chocolates so I am full of self loathing

however I have had such a lovely day

she loved my house, she was happy and relax and not worrying about covid - we did do tests at 8:30am

we did each others nails so I have finally been able to see gel nails! I have gel nails! I am going to take a photo of these beauties in the day light tomorrow! I am in love! she loved what I did for her. I offered her dinner but she would have it, which is fair enough

she was entranced by my bunny XD Oz got loads of fuss and treats today >.> damn him

Jack enjoyed having her over and came to join us for a convo at times. Mainly times when i shouted him cus I wanted tea XD

She spoke to us about her career and what to do and yeah she stayed a lot longer than anticipated ^^; but we would certainly do it again ^^ i enjoyed my day but so exhausted and I didnt eat til 7pm!

she left and we had korean noodle stew which was so good! I used the korean spices I brought the other day ^^ I was happy with it

Oz went home later than normal as we were later than normal doing everything, he was so tired bless him.

I went for a bath then my brother rang, think he wants to use my desk tomorrow as he is working from home which is fine.

tomorrow

going into the city centre with my mummy

we are going ring shopping and going out for cake~~ should be good

Jack will probably be here gaming and my brother here working~

then in the evening we are off to Harveys for takeaway, I am having a stew out the freezer but I will join in for dessert  

a week of being 30

 Jo is alive~~~~

yeah, I am back

I took a week off from all this as to be honest a lot of the time my diary is a chore to me >.>

Anyway as of today its been a week since I entered my 30's

can't say anything has changed XD

we had a rather difficult week at work tho. We are pushed to our limits at school

we both contemplated quitting our jobs. See, when youre on the bottom of the food chain youre expected to do more and more for less and less until in the end  -  you break

I saw my Jack, my strong/cool and collected Jack, break down in front of head of physics. Hes just so frustrated and had enough of it all. But on better news with him, he has a chance of school paying for him to do a degree at uni! we are still going through the hoops to get him onto the course. But I think basically if he doesnt get this course he will be off. Hes had it with school.

I could barely walk, I was in so much pain and it made me really quite sad.

when my mum came over friday after school she came saying her and dad would like me to have some treatment - treatment they insist on paying for

that was it then, the walls I had kept up to stop others knowing what was on my mind, my troubles and worries, came pouring out. I cried and cried. I think a lot of it was down to sheer exhaustion rather than sadness. Mum was like "im here to support and I want to get to you better! I didnt want to make you cry" it was fine it was just exhaustion. So she said she wants me to have ether reflexology - which does eventually boost my energy but I feel worse before I feel better. Or she wants me having acupuncture - which has the potential to help but I wont see someone other than Nigel as I HATE needles.

I agreed to reflex as I found out my massager charlotte does reflexology so I will book in with her when I see her for a massage on thursday

I didnt agree straight away

I talked it out with Jack the next day as basically I will be poorly after treatment, for whatever reason, it kills me off. Therefore work may be missed. So i said I couldnt have treatment as I cant miss work.

Jack said "Youre already having to have 1 day a week off to work from home cus youre too sick to keep up. Why not have that day working from home but also recovering. So what if you end up actually missing some work. You need to be selfish and look after yourself. Sod work. You need to look after your body more"

hes right, I am already struggling to keep up and having to recover/work from home 1 day a week now so hopefully if I time it so I am only poorly 1 day during the week like on a monday or something, it wont be too bad? ^^; i still feel incredibly guilty about all this. including my parents paying. I am 30 and have moved out but still causing them worry.....

we did our weekend chores but on the whole I did just literally recover from work, I cant believe how much of a corpse I was. I did have my hair cut and then dyed by mummy so I feel all fresh

today me and jack cleaned the house for several hours...looks so tidy and clean. We also had a rejig of the living room. My desk from the study is now in the living room! I like my craft room but I can feel isolated in there from time to time so I thought if I have a desk in the living room I can work in there with Jack and Oz. Also if I have to bun watch then I can still do my art.

my current art is still the picture for Jack's phone case but I would like to try out my new crayons from Jack ^^

Tomorrow

Lizi is coming over! for the first time ever! I am very excited as she is going to gel nails for me, I have never had gel nails before. I have asked for gems and the lot! I am also very happy as she she very covid aware but has said she will come over! I feel honoured ^^ it was another reason why I cleaned so much today, so she feels like my house is clean and not a germ pit. Since covid shes become very germ aware so I was gonna clean my house in the holidays anyway but seeing as she was coming over I decided to do the clean before she comes over. I offered to feed her but she feels happier bringing her own food which is fine. I hope she feels happy and comfortable over here tomorrow

so at 10am we have some guy coming to give us a quote for new windows T^T

then at 12 Lizi is coming over ^^

got my korean stew to put on too ><