Anorexic thoughts + shorts

Konbanwa

I was so restless last night
stupidly so even tho my body was tired and achy
i fell asleep just before 11pm
kept waking up in the night 
i woke up at 7am but stayed dozing til 7:45am
just couldnt face getting up to life
so i was too late for a run

I wore shorts round the house
seeing if i was brave enough and comfortable enough to leave the house in them
turns out i was! i went out the house in just shorts no tights!! achievement 

i sorted a few bits out in the morning and did 25mins dancing
it was hard dancing as it was already warm this was at 10am
but i still sweated
i had a shower
did a couple of doodles
wrote a list of crap to take with me to manchester
sorted out my Rika Jougasaki cosplay too - not tried it all on tho i was too hot
sorted out fabric into cutting piles
got ready to see adam
my new t-shirt arrived in the post, stunk of fags real bad, i banged it in the washer for a drowning and then hung it up outside 
ive since tried it on and had to order a privacy bra as its a bit big (understatement) so it reveals a fair bit shall we say, but i like it and want to wear it, and i said it was a t-shirt but its more like a dress and will look awesome with tights. I could even take it on holiday with me

I went to go and pick adam up from the gym then we went to his house
we had a brew and sat with his dad but id had enough of sitting i was aching
im sure theres something in this
a quiet head = aches and tiredness
a busy head = more energy and no tiredness or aches
its weird

adam played Crash but I didnt want to
i laid on his bed trying to fall to sleep but he soon came and put a stop to that
much to my annoyance but he was right
i always said to him "dont let me sleep during the day"
he was only following orders but my god it peed me off
and then we were just annoying one another
i felt off in way
adam's dad suggested we go get ice cream
i instantly shut down
like enter panic mode
food i shouldnt be eating

we set off and i was quiet as my head was noisy
just full of anorexic thoughts
and when my head is busy the outside world doesnt matter it fades away
and adam was struggling to get a word out of me
we had
I shouldnt be eating ice cream
think of the calories
i will be fatter than i already am
do i have to eat it?
how can i get out of eating it?
shall i eat something less tonight?
so stressful -____-

we ordered ice cream and i didnt really enjoy what i was eating
and we walked back home and i know it was a good thing that i did it
but i turned to adam and said "you wont think twice about the ice cream you just ate, but i will be thinking about that until i fall asleep tonight, do you have any idea how exhausting that is?
he told me he loves me, my body is fine, he loves my body
but its not good enough
as much as i appreciate what he says to me and that no one is calling me ugly or fat its just not enough somehow, perhaps its got to come from ME. ive got to like myself
which i dont

we came back to his house and laid on his bed for half hour then i went home
about it really
adam appreciated me wearing shorts and paid attention to my legs
which i hated -____-

i came home~
got ready for my interview tomorrow which is at 10:30am
just want to get it over and done with really as once again i show willing for job i 99% wont get but hey i try and i attend. to the point where im not even arsed
its only summer work anyway
then i'll see adam in the afternoon i believe

its me and my thoughts tonight anyway
but im thinking of going for a run now
even tho i danced this morning and went on a short walk earlier
feel like wearing myself out
and tomorrow morning mum is going for a run/walk im hitching a ride and going a different route by myself, before my interview~