Yesterday was games night!
Id been awake since 2am and woke up at 7:45am
safe to say I was tired
but I still motivated myself for a run
I came back and showered
did some sewing but realised I needed yet more fabric!
I did other jobs to pass the time
I didnt want to see adam til at mia's
4pm came and I was over at Mia's house
it was good to see her and rob
didnt get very long with them at all before adam arrived
and I know i should feel happy to see him but I didnt really
i just instantly felt my walls go up
i feel awful treating him so coldly but im so confused how i feel right now
and i think my way of coping is to not feel and to push it all away
anyway so games night
we played crash team racing which of course i was a total pro at
i just havent lost that skill i owned all their butts on that games ;D
we played frogger but me and mia soon introduced to the boys how we play frogger
we play 'romeo and juliet' basically one person is romeo one is juliet
romeo has to sit on juliet and the whole 'death do us part' happens
as hippos go under water, logs disappear so when you sit on a hippo and it goes
under the water you die together
we kept doing it to the boys as we've had years of practice and my stomach
hurt from laughing so much mia was laughing her head off too
we played Darius a space ship game ive never known anyone to have even heard of but Rob said he owned that game!! oh my god i was shocked!
played rayman, pandemonium, let mia and rob play star wars,
we ordered pizza
2 x 12" BBQ
1 x 12" vegetable
i didnt eat any vegetable due to it being spicy and i didnt want an off stomach, dont cope with spice but the BBQ was good i had a few slices
then we went back for more games
me and mia went to make a brew and when we came back we found the boys on truck racing, level of sadness there but we sat and talked whilst they did that.
then that was about it
lots of laughs
adam tried to sneak a few cuddles from me by grabbing me whilst on the carpet but i didnt want it i just want to be left alone
we left at 10:30pm
i took adam home
he said "its not nice having an unemotional girlfriend whos not affectionate"
i said "well you try giving out affection when you feel no emotions, it feels wrong and i dont like doing it"
he said "my mum asked if everything is ok between us"
i said "what did you say to her?"
he said "i told her everything is fine. because it isnt it?"
the way he looked at me made me feel sick cus i just wanted to say "no" but i couldnt cause that hurt right there and then and so i replied "yeah it is"
he just looked so helpless and worried
its hard for us both right now, im in a messed up place and he doesnt know whats going off with me.
i wish i had a normal mind
he asked if he'd see me monday or tuesday i wanted to say "nether"
what is wrong with me? why am i such a jerk
i just said "not sure what im doing this week"
im so cold and heartless hes done nothing to deserve this coldness from me but i cant help myself
i drove home, thought i saw someone but no one was there, thought i saw a horse it was a cyclist
my brain is telling me stuff that simply isnt there or really there
its quite distressing and becoming more frequent
im not sure how to control it ether
i got home to find a text from adam
"my mum asked again if everything is ok between us"
i said "what did you say?"
he said "yes we're fine, i think shes wondering why you havent been up for 2 weekends now"
I said "last weekend i couldnt face the monotonous routine and this week i wanted to get stuff done and then see you at mia's"
he said "yeah i understand"
i ended up staying up til midnight as i needed time to wind down from all that excitement and fun so it left me stewing away with thoughts.
thoughts of adam
thoughts of whats wrong with me
thoughts of food and how fat i am and how i ate pizza
*gasp* sinful pizza -____- bet no one else went to bed feeling guilty about the pizza
i woke up at 7:30am
i felt rough like id been drinking or something
mum saw me and said "wow you look like death"
literally did look like a corpse
god knows what that was about
it took a while to get motivated and i even laid down on my bed thinking i would go to sleep but i said to myself that i really wont sleep tonight if i do that
so i got up out my pajamas and put my work out clothes on and did 15mins of dancing but it was exhausting!
i went for a shower and went to the shops for fabric, picked my brother up a surprise of a pasty for breakfast which he was well happy about XD
came home and went into the roof to put the playstation away
helped my brother with a job
checked my emails
it was 11am by this point i was impressed with how much id pushed myself to do to say i felt like death when i got up
i did some sewing
and this is how far i am
ive decided tho that the black surrounding the tshirt motif needs a bit of attention at its too plain so i looked at japanese to see if i wanted to write a quote but i think it will be fiddly doing kanji in such a small space so ive opted for flowers to match that on the geisha's kimono
thats tomorrow's job as id had enough
but looking good
needed the black outline on all the kimonos
sat with Oz and had a brew
we tried him with new cereal and he went mad for it
very cute but embarrassing Oz, have some decorum XD
I went to sort my dinner out
mum decided she'd do hers at the same time
she ended up by accident knocking over my trinket pot that i used every single day to put my pills in and it fell to the floor and broke...
i wasnt happy
2 things in 2 days that have broke of mine
this too was Lisa Parker the hare design!! i can not believe that i seriously cant
its a kick in the teeth as i love both items and both are not replaceable
ive tried gluing it and i'll check in the morning if its fixed
they say it happens in 3s so whats next of mine to break?
whats number 3?
stop breaking my things!!!!
looked at dance schools
but all the websites are crap
like they assume you know what types of dance mean
no prices nothing
so ive got 3 i need to email
planning on running tonight
i really cant be arsed if im honest
but i havent ran in the evening time in ages ive been doing it in the morning as i got in the habit of getting up early before the hot sun and doing it but the weather has been very mild lately so i can run in the evening and it did help my head so im hoping it will help my mentalness and i will sleep tonight as im sick to death sitting up by myself til 1am doing nothing cus im so damn tired and just want to sleep.
give it ago
tomorrow not sure what im doing
i know i should see adam
but god knows
and god knows what we'd do even
wish my head was normal
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