relationships dont seem worth it

Evening

Didn't sleep great
woke up at 6am and thought "sod that" then woke up at 8am
thats more like it for a saturday
i was with the girls this morning

then did 40 mins of dancing and yoga
i was sooooo sweaty afterwards
but it felt good to work out and i did really well too ^^
then i went on my laptop for a bit
had lunch and went to bed for 2 hours
my body was just exhausted 
working all week still takes it out of me

in the afternoon i started the last 4 guinea pigs
and eventually got them finished
so theyre all done which is a good feeling 
they look cute too my brother and mum like them
get them sent off soon~
i still have many other projects to do...

jack woke up at 11am really hungover but said it was good night
i only got on drunk txt message at 12:30am saying he misses me
so i told him today if he still misses me he knows where to find me
he said he was gonna clean up the mess and go shopping
which i thought was fair enough
and i kinda thought he'd come 'kidnap' me as hes being saying he would all week
and that he wanted to spend saturday night together
kept saying we need to spend time together
but he told me today hes going hiking with scouts tomorrow....
so i asked him what he was actually gonna do today
turns out theo has brought a switch today with pokemon
so thats what hes doing...hes gaming. AGAIN
once again im put on the shelf for games
it hurt 
and it made me question a lot really
like 'am i important at all to him?'
i know i need to have it out with him
to be honest i was so upset tonight that i told mum i no longer wanted a relationship
that i was better off alone
as that way i wont get disappointed and let down
i felt foolish for letting myself get close to someone
mum said jack has been disappointing lately, he never actually does anything for me, this relationship or does anything he says hes gonna do! but that maybe its his autistic side and that hes not intentionally being selfish and thoughtless, hes just wrapped up in his own world
which is fair enough i understand and its no excuse
but i said i dont think he can change
and mum said it depends on how much i can put up with but that i do need to talk to him
i cant really face seeing him monday...
just constantly let down by him and it wears thin. im also fed up of crying over this relationship and the fact he doesnt know how much i shed tears over him
had enough

im having an early night as my eyes are stinging from crafting and crying
crafting and crying, the two things ive done for the last few weekends!

tomorrow
i have other craft projects to crack on with
i will photograph things i make

got an advent calender

Evening~~

Kinda slept ok
but was happy when i woke up to see it was friday
although 3:30pm seemed a mile away....

it was freezing this morning
i thought it was gonna be an easy day too
until i looked at what was needed for monday....
my god i have got a busy day monday
i have chemicals to make up - which have to be made on the day
i have stuff to move between classrooms
just loads to do its gonna be mad and im gonna be shattered...
jack said he'd help

head biology asked if we would take money from the tea & biscuit fund
to go asda and get advent calenders for all 19 members of science staff
(yes we have a lot of staff due to part timers >.>)
i looked at what else we needed to stock up on and in the end ask jack
to come with me as i was gonna get all that myself
so we got advent calenders
i got white chocolate and so did jack
finally i have one this year, last year i brought myself one
and once again no one brought me one this year T^T
so its nice having one but i cant say im that fussed

i kept busy thoughout the day really
but i had my coat on before 3:30pm
i was more than ready to go
i had awful stomach ache after i ate my lunch
i was weird today as i actually felt hungry
it has been weeks and weeks since i have felt hunger 
so i couldnt wait for lunch and when i ate it i had bad stomach ache
but lately ive been having that anyway when i eat but not as bad as today

i got home had a brew with oz and mum
then danced
not much but enough as i was dripping
i would have liked to have done more but that wouldnt be listening to my body 
showered
then pretty much listening to jpop whilst looking at japanese fashion

jack is out tonight with the guys
so i might have drunken text messages later we shall see...
but at least he will be out for the count tomorrow and i can get on with craft
he invited me out with everyone but i thought 'its cold and i cant drink'
im more of a liability than anything so i opted out
besides i want my saturday to craft
i said to mum im unsure whether to see jack or not at the weekend
hes been saying we need to spend time together but yeah i have A LOT to do
so i told mum i made a decision
if jack comes over on saturday and actually you know - makes an effort - i will see him and sleep over at his on saturday night as he as requested i do this weekend
BUT if he cant be bothered to come get me that forget it im not doing the running around and i will spend the weekend at home.
i will not tell him this, i want to see if he is capable of making an effort off his own back
mum said it seemed fair
so thats where i am at
ive told jack hes welcome over any time and he might have to whisk me away from my crafting

right im gonna sit with my lad 


tomorrow i plan on sewing these last 4 guinea pigs
drawing my secret santa present
making christmas cards
making jack's present
hell i have so much that needs doing still...

just another long thursday

Evening

I couldnt get off to sleep last night
was tired when I woke up and prayed it was actually friday...

school was boring
but nice to have jack back i guess
i started work 15 mins early so i could leave 15 mins early
as it helps with having yoga

i didnt do much today
i threw out more crap in the prep room
and did other bits and pieces but yeah it was a dull day really
helped Julia out as well

Jack was moaning we havent spent any time together for while now
i said to him "youre too busy playing games!"
he said "thats a lie and you know it"
i said "no cus i got used to going over to yours on a wednesday but you started putting your name down for online gaming groups"
he said "i invited you over last night but you said you forgot your stuff"
 i said "i txted you tuesday evening and got nothing back so i wasnt even sure you wanted me over still"
he said "well the gaming wednesday group has ended, we need to spend time together"
i said "also 2 weeks ago you decided to sort your switch out rather than see me, last week you were playing pokemon"
that shut him up
i said "well i have a lot to do this weekend."
he asked if id stay over saturday but i said i'd see
think hes got the message that hes been ditching me
and that i wont go running back to him when it suits
he has to learn
not that i think he has learned really but makes me feel better
not sure what will happen at the weekend tho

i came home
sat with babies and Oz
truffle is so unruley she just walks all over everyone
Oz is grooming them both

went yoga which was good
then had dinner now gonna have a shower, sit with oz then do my nails

tomorrow is friday
thank bloody god

Pokemon Terrarium + secret santa

Evening

I think I slept well

I felt shattered when I woke up

and I looked at my bed...it was just in a ball

god only knows what id been doing in my sleep

had i rested at all?

I got to school and started taking all the lessons out

reminding teachers that Jo was captain of the ship today ;)

everyone had faith in me and a couple even said "thought you're normally the one in charge"

then jack waltzed in at 8:40am 

he wanted a microscope to take with him but soon realised it was beyond fixing so didnt bother taking it. he asked if i was staying over tonight but i told him i hadnt brought my stuff. I didnt want to come out with "no i dont want to" as it felt a bit harsh for that time of the day XD

i told him not to bother coming back as he didnt have a microscope to return 

he left at 9am

and that was that

Jo was in charge

but my god the day ended up being busy...i was so tired by the end of it

just people wanting stuff and julia was that snowed under she actually asked for help for once

i keep telling her to ask me if she wants help as i dont mind

didnt get much of a lunch break ether, i had so many disturbances that in the end i was so annoyed that i just kept working 

i cleared loads of crap cus my god the previous technician was a horder. no other word for it

and i cant always throw stuff away with jack there cus he can be just as bad

so i tend to clear out when hes out the way

it looks better tho

jack turned up at 3pm

with a bag full of 'goodies' i mean it wasnt anything i would call 'good'

but he was happy

yet more junk

and literally the space id cleared on the tables -- to work on

he emptied his stuff on...i told him "Ive cleaned that today!!" he did clear up

but hes now got to find places for all the junk hes been given

he told me he'd brought food for tonight for the both of us

but in fairness i never actually said id stay over i simply replied 'maybe' so i didnt feel bad

im not dropping everything for him

we walked out of school and he said i looked shattered i think he was thinking that we could go grab my stuff and have a sleep over at his but yeah i think he looked at my face and thought again

Jo was tired

he thanked me for covering for him tho

we did secret santa at work today

we pulled names from a science beaker 

I got head of science, course i did -___- but i have an idea of what to do

we cant spend anymore that £10

Jack pulled one out and was happy and then said "actually no this makes things harder"

im under the feeling he's pulled me for some reason

but we shall see

i have never actually taken part in secret santa before

tomorrow its work

so fed up of work

want a break to do crafty stuff

and then i yoga with karen to face.....

jack txt me tonight saying he's missing me

should hope so

i know hes gaming online tho so he can soon the void

i keep telling him hes gaming a lot

im not sure when we will meet up as i have a lot of art and craft to do

so my weekend looks booked up

here's the pokemon terrarium i made and its still at work

Fang the Bat

Evening

I slept a bit better last night
still woke up but it was without the nightmares at least
sat with Ozwald this morning
last night he was falling asleep on my knee it was very cute
he was tired bunny
but he was fine this morning

school was dull
had 2 practicals on in the whole day
so i helped julia with the washing up, again
i didnt mind
jack came in and said I looked like I needed cheering up
and presented me with this little guy~

Isn't he cute!!!! I love him!
jack brought him the same time he brought Luna the mini pumpkin 
he was saving the bat for christmas but thought id like him now
I have named him Fang as i like his little fangs
very cute and I've put him with Cosmo the bat plush i brought from convention
another gift came my way today as well
a computer!!!
despite there being 3 technicians, we've only ever had 2 computers
and whilst jack is on his A LOT me and julia share one but i always give it to her
as im never doing much on it anyway and computers hold little interest to me
but i asked chris - the IT technician very nicely for a computer
and today he delivered!
the computer its self and monitor are second hand but he gave me a brand new mouse and key board!! so i dont have to use one used by gross children, he also put an SSD in it so its far faster and actually functions unlike jack's and julia's but ssshhh they dont know that! he also kindly put photoshop and the whole lot of Adobe on there for me *0* i was grateful
i put up a display - well the start of one
its for science club and i got praised by head of science for all my display work ^^
i had science club at the end of the day
its always chaos but makes that final hour go quick

i came home and had a brew with Oz and mum
after id found Oz that was
he didnt want to go home it would seem

then i went for a walk
had dinner
and then cut out the remaining 4 guineas i need to make
so i feel ive achieved something with my time tonight
i got distracted as well with watching dances XD 
i'll sit with Oz and get to bed

tomorrow is school
and look who is captain of the fleet tomorrow ;)
jack is at some technician meet up thing so im in charge
he says im not but we all know I AM X3
he INSISTS on coming in in the morning and at the end of the day
god only knows why as i know i sure as hell wouldnt
but anyway
so i will see him at some point im sure
he wants me to stay over tomorrow but im not in the mood
id just rather not at the moment but havent quite broke that news to him yet...

i have a feeling tomorrow will ether be really hectic or really slow...
we shall see

Terrarium

Evening

I was so shattered last night
I had a restless night
and I woke up at 5am from a nightmare that consisted of torturing humans...
so much  blood...
when i saw they were about to start on woman and children thats when i woke up
being witness to that and not being able to help was horrid
i was sweaty when i woke up and knew i was getting up at 6am anyway
so i laid awake and got up at 5:45am
got ready as usual and sat with Ozwald who still doesnt understand
its hard to feed myself AND stroke him XD

school was soooooo boring
i just didnt want to be there
i took one look at head of biology and thought "you know love you're not worth my time and effort, i can not even be bothered to talk about you"
so i didnt bring it up i simply thought 'ill have her next time she talks to me like crap'
i had no practicals on today T^T so that makes my day go slow
chris said he'd deliver my computer today but he didnt >< 
i did my first terrarium and put it on the windowsill for all to see
everyone liked it ^^
i helped julia with the washing up as she had shed loads
i moped around
i wasnt in the mood to be happy for people cus i wasnt feeling happy if i was honest
jack could tell there was an issue but i told him to his face i didnt want to talk about it
he later on tried to prise out of me what was up
i told him id had a meltdown on sunday and felt crap about life in general and that i wanted to overdose and give in. i didnt mention anything to do with him as it wasnt the time
i couldnt wait for the end of the day. i left dead on time
but awful traffic greeted me :/

i got home to find the girls were in the hall
fearless truffle came trotting all the way to my feet! shes just not afraid of anything
she was being a pest and kept getting told off by molly XD
i had truffle and tillie on my lap then Oz was on the sofa
he came running over and truffle walked off, course she did, she doesnt have time for cuddles. Oz began grooming Tillie and tillie talked to him whilst he did it, truffle came over and casually bit one of Oz's whiskers off!! Oz growled to warn her but wasnt aggressive cus my god he could have had her if he wanted to but hes too soft and loves his sows
i moved truffle away were then she proceeded to walk over tillie. course she did
when we put the three in the box to go home you could see and hear molly giving truffle a good telling off XD naughty child. molly has her hands full with that one

i did some yoga and had dinner
then did a bit of dancing
looked through a manga book as i might draw a page from a manga

Jack wants me over on weds but i dont want to go over
im not in the mood
i dont want to be touched or hugged or anything
i know ive shut my emotions off
i get like this time to time i just remove myself from the world
from feeling
im sure it will pass but being around jack when im like this isn fair so im best of staying away otherwise i might do something or say something i regret 
ill see him another time
besides hes been gaming loads and i feel like now hes had his fun out of all that its time to pay jo some actual attention and it doesnt work like that im afraid. i dont come second best

tomorrow is school
i have science club where we are erupting out volcanoes!

4 guineas done

Evening

I didnt sleep great
think I had a lot on my mind
I got up at 8am and beat mum up so I got to get the girls out X3
i ended up letting them play outside it was wet out but warm
surprisingly warm
so i got dressed and went for a walk then washed my car
as it was filthy 
then i showered

i continued on with sewing the guinea pigs
then i laid on my bed
and cried
cried for about 3 hours....
til i had puffy eye lids, red eyes and a sore face
got everything off my chest to mum really
she listened bless her
told her how ive talked loads about moving out next year how im actually gonna do it, if i talked about it enough and convinced myself - that id actually do it
despite all the people who think i cant
but the reality is i cant move out next year
the reality is im still not well enough to take care of myself
the reality is im still a child having everything done for me
so  i was upset about that
how i'll be 28 next year
all my friends have moved out years ago and are engaged
and im...still at home
life continues to repeat it's self
i work, i come home and exercise, i eat dinner, i sit with oz, i go to bed x5 days
weekend i just about manage to do something 'normal' and live my life
all the time suffering with pain and fatigue 
and i dont know if jack is the right one to be with ether
as much as i enjoy his company
he by far doesnt pull his weight in the relationship
he says he will do things and doesnt do them
he only does the stuff that matters to him
i dont think he intends to be selfish but he just doesnt think
mum doesnt think hes up to the task of 'looking after me' 
she wants me to talk it out with him tho and try and work it out as she thinks hes worth that much
so yeah i cried a lot and mainly about life
life that i know could be worse, but difficult and hard all the same
i wanted to end it
i wanted to overdose and not wake up
sometimes i convince myself that that option is better on myself and everyone

 i know i have jack to talk to about this but im not sure when i will talk about it
as i obviously cant talk about it at work but i dont want to spend time with him ether
hes totally ditched me lately for games and other things
and i think 'why should i come second best' so he can sod it
and im not seeing him over christmas he can forget that one
as thats more running around as usual for me
he never runs round after me


i laid on my bed and fell into a fitful sleep about my granny
about how she was dead and stuff
i woke up and realised i hadnt had any of medication.
medication i usually take at 7am and it was 3pm
so that has probably not helped things today
its not like me to not have my meds
but i didnt have breakfast ether i just got dressed and went for a walk
i sat with mum and oz and had a brew 
then went to finish 4 guineas! good feeling to get 4 done anyway

im so tired
i laid with cucumber on my eyes and a face sheet to try revive my eyes and skin
cus it all stung
not sure what i will do with my remaining hours of freedom before the work grind starts

just school tomorrow
i plan on saying something to head of science about how head of biology talks to me
she aint getting away with fridays behaviour

Completed my christmas shopping

Evening

my god it was nice not waking up at 6am
getting up alone in the pitch black
its sad i no longer need my kindle or light to see in the dark
ive become that accustomed to walking round and finding things in the dark
jo has evolved into night vision XD
i didnt sleep i woke up loads but got off to sleep again
when i did wake up at 8:30am i could hear mum with the girls downstairs
yeah its nice waking up to life instead of people sleeping away

so i had my girls this morning which was nice
ive sat with them and played with them twice today actually

i went out with mum in the morning as i had a cheque to cash in at the bank
and i needed stuff from the sewing shop
then we went to a garden centre
i brought a plant for tara, and a cactus for mia
all in all that completed my christmas shopping for 2019!
i also picked up two cacti for myself to take to work ^^ 

i came home at 11am frozen
as it was raining and cold
i was just numb
i ended up sleeping for 2 hours
once i got up i started more on the guinea pigs
then i did 45 mins of dancing/yoga which was good
had a shower and was in my pajamas for 4pm woo!!
and continued on with my guinea pigs

im gonna see  my ozwald a bit earlier tonight
then work on the rose picture and go bed i think~

tomorrow im gonna sew, draw, dance, just please myself :)
i cant remember if i showed this or not
but this is the quilt i have made for mia's birthday this year for her dog Walter

Finally the weekend after a stressful day

Evening

my god i did not wanna go this morning
felt like i was doing 6 days not 5
i sat with my Ozwald this morning
he helped cheer me up

school was stressful
just a bit full on
i got my christmas display done tho
but i was spoken to rudely in front of a class of year 12 by head of biology
having a go at me for giving her the wrong practical
so i quickly whipped up the one she did want
wheeled it through then she reluctantly told me she had put down the wrong practical
so i wasnt at fault it was her fault
but the way she spoke to me
and followed me into the prep room demanding it NOW in front of jack and julia
it was disgusting and im not sure how i didnt snap at her
she thanked me but didnt apologise 
jack and julia were shocked
its not professional what she did to me
so i think im gonna talk to head of science on monday about it
cus it cant go on like this
i am gonna snap one day
i went home crying cus of it and cus id simply had enough

i got in and didnt sit with oz and and brew how i usually do
instead i went straight to bed for 90 mins
i just needed to not be here for a while
think im alright now
ive seen ozwald and had dinner and been for a walk and had a shower
so ive chilled out a bit more now
and now im gonna sit with oz and go bed!

i must say ive thought about death a lot this last week
not sure if im low or not or just got a lot on my mind
but it does feel like it would be easier on me and on every one if i wasnt here
i just feel like giving up then my mind wonders to 'how would i do it?'
yeah depressing and i try to stop it but sometimes it really feels like
it would make sense if the world was lacking me
mum told me today there was a freak accident in chesterfield that someone was
driving along and a big tree just fell, crushing the car and killing the driver
and her 16 year old daughter. just tragic
but i thought, would i want death to be granted to me so easily?
why were they taken and not me?
dont know
not sure whats up with me
i dont think id ever act on it
but ive told mum and jack

anyway enough about death it is officially the weekend!
and Jo is pleasing no one!
im crafting and doing art
and dancing or doing some form of exercise as i can never forget to do that >.>
but yeah im doing what i wanna do

just want the weekend

Evening

I got up for school
felt tired and done in
but continued on
sat with Oz who did actually want me this morning X3

School was long and dull
just nothing much happening really
i was on the floor for about 40 mins with low blood pressure again
just feel fainty 
jack told me to take as long as i need, then to take a further 10 mins as i always rush it according to him...
i started pushing a trolly through full of heavy physics stuff
and suddenly the trolly got lighter...i turned round and head of science had the other end...
he said "should you be pushing this?"
well technically YES as its part of my job and i could have mouthed off about this
instead i simply replied "no" he said "right answer"
jack saw and said "jo I'll take the that" head of science said "you tell her jack"
i swear everyone is against me at times....i wanted to shout "im not an invalid!!"
jeez, what they gonna be like if im ever pregnant or anything
yeesh
but im grateful really as i could have it a lot worst
its good for me mentally and physically that i have an understanding work place
i helped Julia out a lot today, washing up really as i had very little to actually do
but was well ready to leave and go home
i was just so tired

i got home and sat with Oz and mum
mum was doing well, she was rough this morning
i still did dinner which was very easy but still had mum in the kitchen throwing in her two cents....but got that done with and then i did some exercise even tho i was dead
i kept going dizzy but kept on
my legs were shaky afterwards
so tired
i cant believe i have another day to do
it feels like a 6 day week for some reason

jack has been online gaming and playing pokemon
hes a bit obsessed to say the least

tomorrow is friday thank bloody god

No more pain clinic for 6 months

Evening

I dreamed of my granny last night
that i was in her house which looked exactly how it used to
i could feel her soft skin and squishy arms as i hugged
i started to cry, knowing she'd die and whether or not i should tell her
she gave me a blanket she no longer wanted and i could smell
her scent all over it
i woke up but i hadnt been crying in my sleep luckily
i sat with Oz this morning but he didnt really want me this morning DX

School was dull
just a bit slow and boring and with jack going on about pokemon
id had enough really
my god hes obsessed with games, im not even in his radar right now
but what can you do
just glad im not like that
i left early from work to go to a pain management appointment 
which was fine, we talked about stuff and she was happy with my progress
not seeing her now for 6 months but i can go before then if i need to 
but i dont think i will even need the 6 month appointment to be honest

i came home and went straight to bed
id had enough of my day
woke up and mum had returned with dad from having her foot injected
i helped make dinner after telling mum 3 times to sit down and let me effing do it
honestly such a control freak she needs to have no weight on that foot
she was gonna shower tonight despite having one this morning
i was like "no just go and sit down for gods sake!"
honestly

tonight i havent done much
im so tired mentally and physically
not sure how im gonna get through this week at the moment
and im still totally blanked by jack
arsehole 

First walk with Walter

Evening

Woke up tired ><
not sure why
I sat with Ozwald this morning as usual
he was licking my hand, the hand I needed to spoon cereal into my mouth XD
he doesnt understand I need hands to feed myself unlike him

Work was slow and boring
like 2 experiments on and even then they were small
so I worked on display work
i had a meeting with jack and head of science
about ways to keep me in work really 
it went well and i have a few things to work out
im allowed to wear a cardigan so im gonna get one ordered
i couldnt wait for the day to end
i had science club at the end of the day which helped pass that final hour
we were painting the volcanoes which was alright i guess
not a relaxed arty lesson i was hoping for tho
more like chaos but still its done with

I've come second best to games once again with jack
if i hear one more thing about a sodding Switch i will deck him
hes obsessed and totally forgotten me
so ive sod him now and told him as he cant be bothered to see me in the week
im not spending my weekend with him
id also like to spend NEXT weekend also without him just so he learns
jerk
like one track mind and narrow minded 
hes getting a switch with pokemon tonight so yeah im on the scrap heap for a while i can see
so this weekend sod him i will do my craft work which actually does need doing
as i didnt have chance to do anything last weekend

i saw mia after school as i havent seen her in weeks!
we walked her dog Walter
first time ive been on a walk with him
hes sooooo well behaved for 4 months old i was totally surprised
and shes so in love with him
first time ive seen her truly happy for a while now
and it was good to have a catch up with her too
even if it was -1 outside

tomorrow is school
when i get home i have dinner to cook as mum is actually having the injection on 
her foot so shes outta action
and thats it really

My bacteria

Evening

Didn't sleep great
and woke up feeling rough and knowing i wasnt 100% recovered
from friday and saturday...
still I got ready for school~

It was insec day
so it was non-uniform day
i went in a cute bunny jumper and wore a bunny ear hair clip
i had lots of people say how much they liked my outfit and how cute it was
even tho it was from charity shop XD
i stand out at school to say the least

school was alright
i managed
i wrote my notes up from friday
and got other bits and pieces done
i showed my bacteria which impressed jack and julia
i had to kill all but one ><

i felt unwell towards the afternoon and had to lay on my back 
in the prep room office 
jack made me sweet tea and i managed to get through the last 2 hours
its really frustrating when that happens
its like my blood pressure just plummets and i have to stop
but Jo doesnt like to stop

i got home and sat with the babies and Ozwald
then i fell asleep for half hour
got up and made myself a salad
then i went for a walk in the freezing -3c outside world
then just got my stuff ready for school tomorrow
as sadly i have to be in uniform 
tomorrow im having a little meeting with head of science and jack
just to talk about little changes ive gotta do in order to keep myself in work
gotta look after myself better basically
not looking forward to i as i always feel a bit attention seeky 

Microbiology Course! Birmingham Convention 2019! + its been 9 months!

Konbanwa~~~~

I have been away haven't I XD

Ok so friday
was a different friday for Jo
i had to start my day at 5:20am
I drove 67 miles to Peterborough
I have never driven that far before 0.0
it took me 2 hours...

the day its self was really good tho
I learned loads about micro biology 
we got to do experiments and it felt like i was in a science class
everything had been prepped for me and i had to the experiment
like i was student XD
we messed round with bacteria and got to take some home - lovely
i had free lunch but i mainly stocked up on biscuits
it took me over 2 hours to get home
i was well and truly dead by the end of it
but it was a really good achievement for me
i made loads of notes that i will write up at school
I then had dinner, saw Oz and then went to jacks at 9pm
i was well dead
theo was there and jack had been watching a film with him
i told him to finish the film as i was going bed and didnt need him there
i just needed sleep!

saturday
we woke up at 5:20am
another 5am start...
and I got ready for the convention 
but we were late leaving so we were running through the town centre
at 6:30am it was empty and i was just running dressed as japanese school girl
god knows how that must have looked on CCTV
we caught the train with 2 mins to spare!!
arriving in Birmingham for the convention!
I have been to Birmingham NEC before but I went with lynn for the festival of quilts
i havent been to the Birmingham convention
it was HUGE
probably biggest one ive been too
the london one is big but its just repeated stalls its rubbish
this one was just massive
i took a couple of photos whilst waiting to go in
i went as Mirai from Beyond the Boundary 

we walked round and there was sooooo much i could have brought
honestly if i had the room and money i would have brought a lot more but 
here is the little bits i did pick up
pokemon figures for the terrariums i want to make :3

stuff I got in a £5 lucky bag which i was pleased with

a digimon t-shirt which was the last one so a bit big but i had to have it, its patamon!! 

badges jack brought me and a little science chibi badge that ive put on my lab coat

and of course a plush!!! I have named him Cosmo as his fabric is like a cosmic galaxy
both jack and mum love him ^^

we had a drink and a piece of cake cus i was starting to get shaky
i could feel i was struggling
friday had been a big ask on my body
and walking round this place was starting to hurt....
but we managed it all and brought some lunch to eat before getting on the train home
by which point i was struggling to walk
jack was carrying everything as he had done all day
and i could tell he was worried
upon getting on the train there was no seats...
i told him that my legs werent strong so to help me
i was starting to feel unwell
and we looked behind us in 1st class and jack just made me sit in there as it was practically empty, the ticket guy came round and just sat to move once seats become available which was nice of him as i was on the verge of tears i was in THAT much pain
id held out all day but my god
i was walking like an old person not a 27 year old
we took the tram from the train station as i was struggling that much

jack helped me once we were at his
i dosed up on tablets
and said i didnt think i could drive home
so he told me to stay as i had enough medication
i had a hot bath and rest and i did feel a bit better
we finished off the evening watching the last digimon tri and eating pizza
perfect day to celebrate 9 months together!!! we've done well ^^
we were in bed for 9:30pm

today i woke up at 9:30am feeling like id been ran over
i needed pain killers 
we lazed round and watched anime then i came home
showered, ate and went to bed
i was exhausted
ive done some yoga but even that was a hard ask
my body is to tired
god knows how work will go
but tomorrow is insec day so no lessons and non uniform!
so it wont be a big ask on me at least

despite how crap i do feel im grateful i can do what i have done
and im not in bed for like a week
i can keep going